Sunbutt, Moonbutt, Sparklebutt, I Have Questions

by ThePinkedWonder

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 4714

After waking up in Equestria, a brony has MANY questions for three princesses. None are about how to get back home.

When an unconscious "brony" is found in Equestria, he is bought to the Royal Castle by Princess Twilight Sparkle. When he wakes up, he is surprised to see three of the "characters" of one of his favorite cartoons in front of him.

But when offered the chance to ask questions, he takes it and asks the trio questions. A lot of questions. None are how to get back to his world but instead are mainly about their "questionable" moments.

He may be surprised about what he'll get for asking those questions...

Special thanks to TheHardie-Boy for proofreading this story.

06//06/19 Oh my Celestia this made the featured list! :pinkiegasp: Thanks so much, and glad you liked it!

06/07/19 Wow, reached 1,000 views in less than 2 days!

Published 2019-06-05 23:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-05 23:40:01 UTC

Questions, Lots of Questions

I know they said it's nothing too serious, but why did Princess Celestia and Princess Luna want me to come? And why did they want only me?

Once again summoned by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, but this time was asked to come alone, Princess Twilight Sparkle flew through the open gates into Canterlot, through its streets close to the ground, all but ignoring the ponies standing or walking along the streets. It wasn't because she didn't care about them, but because she was too focused on getting to the Royal Castle as quickly as possible. After arriving at the brown doors to the Royal Castle two minutes later, Twilight slowed down her wing flaps to land and, at a slower pace, trotted through the doors, down the hallways in the castle, passing by guards along the way, before finally running through the light-blue double doors to its throne room. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna sat in their respective chairs, high up on the other side of the room.

As much as Twilight wanted to ask what was wrong, she first panted for five seconds to catch her breath from her flying and running. "Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, I'm here. What's wrong?"

Celestia explained, "Twilight, we are so glad you're here, and as I said before, I don't think it's anything grave. But we have received reports from one of the guards of an unknown being in the Everfree Forest, and we would like to ask you if you could take a look into this matter."

"An unknown being?"

"Yes. From the reports, it had an odd appearance suggesting it's not something from Equestria or even of this world, and seemed to be unconscious. You have first-hoof experience of how it feels to suddenly be in an unknown world, so if it wakes up, Princess Celestia and I thought you would be the best one to talk to it. That's why we only called for you this time."

Twilight thought about the first time she entered the "human world", when she chased after Sunset Shimmer after she stole her crown, and how weird, surreal, and frightening the first moments felt, despite her loyal long-time friend, Spike, being with her. She shuddered at the thought of it happening without warning and if she were alone, and concern of the shock and fear the being might experience filled her heart. "I see, so that's why you only called for me."

"And if you find the being still unconscious, please bring it back here, but try not to wake it up and do your best to keep it out-of-sight. We don't want other ponies to see it, until we can learn what it is."

"Luna added, "And, as you are aware, the Everfree Forest is a dangerous place, even for a strong pony such as yourself, so it will be best to get it out of the forest as quickly as possible, for its own safety."

"I'll go right away. And to make sure I have everything right, you want me to find it, bring it here if I can, and make sure nopony sees it?"

"That is correct, and thank you. I was right to choose you for this task, Twilight." Celestia complimented.

Twilight blushed at her former teacher's words, then departed from the Royal Castle, flew out of Canterlot and made her way to the Everfree Forest, taking short breaks along the way to catch her breath.

Upon landing at the entrance to the Everfree Forest, Twilight softly walked along a path through the forest with her ears perked. The only sounds she could hear came from gently swaying tree limbs, or from the chirping of birds, and the trees surrounding her blocked out most of the sunlight. Twilight shivered as she thought about the more dangerous creatures, such as Timberwolves and Cragadiles, which make her want to both trot faster and move as quietly as possible to not draw attention to herself. Or worse, to the unknown being in the forest, who might be much more defenseless than the powerful Alicorn was.

After walking for five minutes, a being lying face-down half-buried in the grass beside the road came into Twilight's sight, but it wasn't moving a muscle. After creeping up to examine its head, arms, back and legs, but didn't touch the motionless being, with a gasp, Twilight recognized what it was, and it seemed unharmed. Is this a "human"? It looks like the "humans" I've met in the world on the other side of the portal, but the composition of this one's body and clothes is nothing like those "humans". I better get it to the Royal Castle, and hope I can do it without it waking up, Twilight thought to herself.

With her magic, Twilight slowly levitated the mysterious human, who had black hair going down to the middle part of its back and wore a green shirt and blue shorts, and trotted out of the forest. As she carried it, Twilight looked at its face and could then tell it was a male.

Once out of the forest, she took flight and made her way back to the Royal Castle with the unconscious human still in her magical grip. To avoid any ponies from seeing him, Twilight flew higher in the air than she normally does and held him close to and directly over her, so her own body would block ponies' views of him. Thoughts of how he might feel when he woke up again entered Twilight's mind, making the kind-hearted Princess want to be extra careful, so she flew at half her normal flight speed, only stopping when she needed to rest, while making sure no other ponies were nearby when she did. Once she got close to the gates to Canterlot, Twilight teleported herself and the human into the Royal Castle.

Back in the throne room of the Royal castle, with the young man lying motionless on the floor on his back near the now-closed doors to the room, Twilight, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna stood puzzled on whom he was or where he came from. They thought it would be best to have nopony else present and wait for him to wake up on his own, but to reduce the risk of him feeling frightened, Celestia and Luna remained in their respective chairs, and Twilight stood to the left of Celestia, hoping the distance between them all would allow the human to feel safe.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, do you have any idea on where this "human" came from? He looks very different from the humans I saw in the 'human' world with Sunset Shimmer."

Celestia replied, "I am not sure myself, Twilight, but from how you said the humans from that world looked, he's not from there, and his appearance is something I have never seen before either. I don't sense any magic in him, so it's not because of a spell that he looks like that, and with no magic, I don't think he is any kind of threat. Perhaps he is not even here of his own accord."

"In which case it was wise indeed to bring him here before he could wake up and panic. He is not having a dream, so I can't -- wait, he's starting to move his 'hand', so he must be waking up."

Celestia reminded, "Remember, he may be nervous or even scared, so smile, talk softly and don't make any sudden moves."

Oh, my head. I knew I should've laid off that last drink, but like a grade "A" dumbass, I just haaaad to drink it.

With a smile and in the most gentle, friendly voice she could muster, Twilight asked, "Hello. Can you understand me, and are you all right?"

Rubbing his head and lifting it up to where he heard the voice, but remained on the floor, the human answered, "Yeah. My head's hurting but I'll be -- wait, what the f--?!" The surprised young man sprung to his feet, took a step back, while staring and pointing a shaking finger at the ponies in the center of his sight. "It's...you're...you're..." Okay, what the fuck is going on?! Is that Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?! They're just cartoon characters, so they can't be...and this room...am I in the Royal Castle?

Celestia, with a warm smile of her own and, in her most gentle, friendly voice, assured, "I know you are probably scared, but I promise that we mean you no harm. You're completely safe with us."

Yeah, okay, forget the "last" drink; I should've laid off all of them and I'm never drinking again! For real this time!

Princess Luna, in her friendliest voice, said, "Please, just try to stay calm. Do you have a name?"

"D-Danny."

Seeing the human calling himself "Danny" lowered his arm and had stopped shaking, Twilight greeted, "Hello, Danny, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and if you don't know where you are right now, you are in Equestria."

I must be losing my mind. I'm in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, and Luna are right there in front of me, and they are talking to me. Wait, let me pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Yep, that pinch on the cheek hurt, so I must've just gone nuts because there's no way this is real. I'm not in Equestria, I'm in la-la land, population: me.

"I am Princess Celestia, and the pony to my right and your left is Princess Luna, and you are in our castle. We will do our best to help you in any way we can. Are there any questions you would like to ask us?"

"Ask as many questions as you need, and we will do our best to answer them." Luna chimed in.

You know what? Since I've lost my mind, I might as well pretend this is real and have me some fun, because I have a lot of questions to ask these three, starting with you Sunbutt and Moonbutt. And oh man I can't wait till I get to you Sparklebutt! "Yes, I have some questions."

Celestia started, "I can imagine one of them is if we can get you back to where--"

"Actually, no, that's not one of them."

"Oh, really?" Celestia couldn't hide the confusion in her voice that Danny apparently had no concern about returning to where he came from, but cleared her throat to recompose herself. "Very well, what are they?"

"First, Princess Celestia, why did so many disasters happen a 'thousand' years ago?"

Danny's highly unexpected question surprised Celestia, but her long experience as the ruler of Equestria allowed her to largely not show it, but even she failed to resist stuttering as she attempted to answer, "I...don't know w-why you would ask that, or h-how you know about Equestria's history, but I--"

"Is Flurry Heart the first Alicorn ever to be born an Alicorn, or is she just the first to be born in Equestria, and others have been born elsewhere?"

"Oh, well, that--"

"When Twilight wanted to open her School of Friendship, why didn't you tell her to run it the way she wanted to right away, so Neighsay would've stayed off her flank and let her do her thing?"

"U-Uh, okay, I guess I--

"And why, oh why, did you three just sit back and watch Queen Chrysalis run away after she threatened Starlight Glimmer? And for that matter, how the fuck did you all get caught by the Changelings?"

Luna stuttered, "W-well--"

"Speaking of threats, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, you two said Equestria's had an unheard level of peace, but there have been a crapload of crises lately, so how bad were things before Twilight and the others could save the day so much?"

Drops of sweat ran off the foreheads of both Celestia and Luna, and Celestia stuttered, "W-Well, that's--"

"And for that matter, how many times have you two ran to Twilight to make her fix everything?"

Celestia protested, "W-Wait just a moment. We don't 'run' to her like that!"

"Oh, no? I'm gonna take a wild guess on how I got here in your castle: one of your guards found me lying somewhere out-cold, you called Twilight, she came running; or flying I should say, you told her to check things out, she did and found me, carried me here, I woke up, and here we are?" And I don't see the other five so I guess you didn't think I was important enough to call all six of them.

Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna wanted to say something to defend themselves, but the human guessed correctly, so they stayed motionless and no words left their mouths.

"I rest my case. And please tell me I wasn't found in the Everfree Forest."

Twilight answered, "Well, yes, I did find you in the Everfree Forest. What's wrong with that?"

Are you fucking kidding me? Why there? Why did it have to be that goddamn forest? Couldn't she have found me somewhere else? "Whatever, I have more important questions anyway. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, why did you two think it was a good idea to tell Twilight to take your places with so little warning, and expect her to do it after only a few days without panicking? And how did you two not see her 'twilighting' and think 'hey, maybe we're asking her for too much?', because the pony was twilighting right there in front of you?!"

Twilight "facehoofed". "Seriously, you use me as a verb too?"

Celestia stuttered, "W-Well, we did see her, b-but--"

"After all the crap Twilight had to do she deserves to be an Alicorn and Princess, but shouldn't she have gotten her wings after saving Equestria in heroic, preferably badass fashion, not by fixing a fuck-up that she did? And not only that, you didn't even know what she was meant to do with her new title!"

"O-Okay, maybe I should have waited until Twilight--"

"And Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie have saved Equestria multiple times, so why aren't they Alicorns now? What, till Flurry Heart came you could only become an Alicorn by fixing your own fuck up?"

Luna interrupted, "I-I guess they do deserve Alicorn wings, but--"

"Or at least why didn't they get medals for when they saved Equestria, like Starlight, Discord, Trixie, and Thorax did when they saved all your flanks?"

"Well, to be fair, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack didn't want anything like that, and Starlight, Trixie, Thorax and Discord receiving medals was my idea."

"Since you answered that question, Twilight, how about you answer the next ones, because I have so many questions for you." And I am going to enjoy this. Brace yourself Sparklebutt, and try to keep up!

Twilight, with a nervous smile, nodded her head. "O-Okay?"

"First, when you were running from that Hydra and were falling to your death, why didn't you teleport yourself to safety?"

"W-Well I--"

"When those Pinkie Pie clones were wrecking Ponyville, why didn't you just think to ask them questions that only the real Pinkie Pie would know, to find who was the real Pinkie? If the real Pinkie sneezed or something to make her look away from that painted wall, you would've sent her to the mirror pool without a second thought!"

"I-If you put it that way, I guess I could--"

"Why were you flying so well soon after you got your wings, but later became 'Twilight Crash' by crashing all over the place like you forgot how to fly or something?"

"One word, Danny: Alcohol."

"I understand completely, but I'm far from done. You're a princess, so why don't ponies give you the respect you should get, and why do you let them push you around? I know you're friendly and don't want to go on any power trips, but if you keep this up you're gonna need assertiveness lessons from Fluttershy!

"I-I guess I could try to--"

"As a Unicorn, you could travel through time, send forty-nine Pinkie clones back to that pool without breaking a sweat, lifted an Ursa Minor with your magic, and as an Alicorn, you're supposed to be even more powerful, right? So when you and the others were in the Everfree Forest, why didn't you blast that fucking Cragadile that came after you or use your magic to hold it in place, instead of running from it? Or at least why didn't you teleport to save yourself and Spike?"

"W-Would you like to know some of the secrets to Pinkie Pie?"

"Nope, I want the answers to these questions more. Do you have a thing for humans? Because the first guy you had a crush on was a human, not a stallion." And if you ask me, Flash Sentry's not a bad guy, but you could've done better.

"Uh...pass?"

Damn you are just so adorkable with that nervous smile on your face so I'll let you off the hook. "Fine. We all know you had a big crush anyway and don't try to deny it. Now, I know Trixie was a grade "A++" bitch to you and your friends, but still why were you so hesitant to give her just a bit of a chance after doing it for Starlight? Couldn't you had at least watched them first and step in if you saw Trixie really about to do something to hurt Starlight?"

"Fine, I admit I was a bit--"

"Speaking of Starlight, who's stronger in magic: you or her?"

"Well, it's complicated, but--"

"And I hate complicated things so let's just skip that question. When Zecora was turning into a tree, you weren't in much of a hurry to help Fluttershy find a cure, but when you learned how to return Starswirl The Bearded back from limbo, you wouldn't wait a single second! What the fuck?!"

"I-It's not that I didn't care about Zecora, but Fluttershy--"

"And I know it's hard to think straight when you're excited, and you were oh so excited, but you and Sunburst really didn't think the Pony of Shadows might return with the pillars when you brought them back? Aren't you two the smartest out of your friends?"

"Uh, are you sure you don't want to know how Pinkie--"

"No, not now. About your school again, even if Celestia fucked up by not telling you to run it the way you wanted, why did you let Neighsay push you around like you were nothing, and not remind him that you're a princess, and friendship is what you're in charge of? You out-ranked him, so you should've laid down the law as soon as he messed with you, and if he didn't back off, throw his ass in a dungeon!"

Twilight sighed and sarcastically asked, "Let me guess: you're about to ask why I didn't tell Princess Celestia the truth right away about her acting, aren't you?"

"Actually, no. Princess Celestia's your idol, and if I looked up to someone like you did to her, I probably would have done the same thing."

A smile formed on Twilight's lips at the sudden words of understanding from Danny. "Oh. Wow, thank you so much for understanding how I--"

"But I'm still not done with my questions. I know your temper sometimes get the better of you and you're not flawless and a work in progess, so not even you can get everything right. But why didn't you at least try to hear out the CMC when you thought they 'sabotaged' Cozy Glow, before banning them? By you, an adult, laying into those three fillies as soon as you had them in your office, they were too damned rattled and confused to think straight!"

Frustration at Danny's latest question swelled in Twilight, and she, in a raised voice, objected, "Okay, now I was just--"

'When you 'disguised' yourself at Flim and Flam's school, why didn't you hide either your wings or horn? You really didn't think the fact that you're a purple Alicorn would give you away? Ponies were at that school, not Dragons!"

"All right, Danny, I'm starting to get an--"

"When Pinkie was playing that whatever-the-fuck-it's-called, why did nopony tell Pinkie her playing was wrecking Ponyville instead of you guys just walking up and telling her 'Pinkie, you can't play worth a shit' and not say what her 'music' was doing!"

Finally pushed to her limit by Danny's relentless questions, Twilight, in her Royal Canterlot Voice, shouted, "Okay, I get it! I screw up sometimes and I'm sorry! That's enough!"

Unfazed by Twilight's shout, Danny lectured, "Oh, excuuuuuse me, Princess, but I'm just getting warmed up! You're not the only one that can ask a million questions, and after I'm done asking them to you, Sparklebutt, I'm going back to Sunbutt and Moonbutt over there because I'm not finished with them yet, so the four of us are gonna be here for a while!" Fuck, I didn't mean to call them that out loud, but whatever, I forgot this isn't really happening so I'm just gonna keep doing it.

But before Danny could resume "warming up" Celestia turned her head to Luna. "Sister, what he just said clinched it; I now know where this 'human' came from."

Luna, in turn, turned her head to Celestia. "So do I, sister."

A moment of realization came over Twilight, which made her stop scowling and confess, "And now I do too. Why didn't I figure that out sooner?! It's so obvious by his questions and why he had so many."

"And oh yeah, Sunbutt and Moonbutt, why do you keep calling each other 'sister' and not by your real names? And, Sparklebutt, about your Ladybug phobia--"

Celestia interjected, "And that's enough questions. And I hate to say this, but now we can't allow you to leave Equestria."

Celestia's unexpected words left Danny with his eyes and mouth wide open. "W-What? Why?!"

"Because we can't let you tell your world that it's not the writers' fault things are sometimes not...ideal. Yes, all of your questions can be answered by that Princess Luna, Princess Twilight, and myself just simply, as you might put it, fuck up a lot and, I hate to admit it, but we will keep fucking up a lot, those 'writers' are just as confused about it as you, and they still don't understand why they feel so compelled to 'write' us the way they do. And before you ask, I know all this because of my magic."

Danny shouted, "Wait, WHAT?"

"Yes, you heard Princess Celestia correctly. They believe they're 'writing' about something they 'made up' but we are as real as you or them, and they just don't know it. In fact, one of them even had a nightmare after he 'gave' Twilight her wings, because he had no idea what made him do it. I forgot his name; I think it was 'M', 'M.A.', something?"

Knowing what Twilight was about to start feeling at any second, and to prevent the mare from becoming an unstoppable force of nature if she didn't get what she would need, Celestia ordered, "Because we told you the secret that only we Alicorns know, you will have to stay in Princess Twilight's castle from now on, and do whatever she wants."

Danny pleaded, "B-But you can't make me stay! I have a life in my world! Sparklebutt, uh, I mean, Princess Twilight, you're the Princess of Friendship, and this isn't something a good friend does!" Wait, why am I worried? I lost my mind so none of this is happening!

The fact that Danny asked her so many questions, and how he didn't want to stop when she told him to, finally sunk in for Twilight. It triggered something inside her and is what Celestia knew would happen. A smile formed on the pony's lips, and her voice tone grew into a more saucy one as she assured, "Oh, don't worry, Danny, you'll be quite happy in my castle, and I'm not going to be a good friend to you anyway. I'm going to be a good friend to you."

"Wait, what do you mean by that?" No way, Twilight couldn't mean...?

Twilight slowly walked from her place beside Celestia, along the red carpet from the Princesses chairs to the other side of the room, where Danny still stood, and her smile became a more seductive one. "Now that's a question I hoped you would ask me. You see, being asked so many questions so fast is a turn-on for me, so once I have you in my castle and nopony can see us, I'm gonna give you...friendship lessons. Lots of friendship lessons." Twilight, now a foot away from Danny, made her seductive smile even bigger and batted her eyes.

Danny's mouth dropped at what the smiling, flirtatious pony standing in front of him just did and said. Oh, shit, she did. This isn't la-la land, this is dream-come-true land, and I knew all along she was best Princess even if she fucks up sometimes!

To their surprise, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna suddenly felt "it" too, looked at each other, then gave their own seductive smiles towards Danny, but stayed in place and didn't bat their eyes. "I take it from your smile that you're...pleased by what Princess Twilight wants to do to you, every day, Danny?"

"And we didn't realize it until now, but Princess Celestia and I also find being asked questions a...turn-on, so we will sometimes visit to teach you 'friendship' lessons too, so you won't get too...bored by only having them with Princess Twilight." Like the last ten stallions who asked her questions did, and Twilight better FINALLY remember to be gentle or you won't last long enough for me to have my turn.

Danny couldn't believe what he just heard from the three Princesses. His smile grew into a grin of pure happiness, as someone would have if their dreams came true. He still wasn't sure if any of this was real, but he didn't care. "...You know what? I'm sick of all the fucking political drama in that dump of a world anyway. Take me away, Princess Twilight, and I'll do whatever you want!" And now I hope my mind stays gone, forever! Mind, Danny no longer needs you!

Danny went on to deeply enjoy one "friendship lesson" after another everyday from his "good" friend Princess Twilight Sparkle in her castle, with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna visiting every four or so days to give...advanced friendship lessons. Starlight Glimmer, after Danny asked her "questions" and turned her on, sometimes took Twilight's place in the lessons, and was excited to finally give lessons herself, instead of always having to get them from Twilight.

Yes, you read correctly.

Because Danny was either too "busy" or too tired to even think about it, he never bothered to ask Twilight or the other princesses about how he even got to Equestria, but he didn't care. Danny also had many questions for Twilight's other friends, but she never gave him the chance, worried it might turn them on too, and it was bad enough that she had to share with Starlight, Celestia and Luna.

It is unknown if Princess Cadance didn't share this...desire, or if she just didn't want to risk Twilight seeing her give "friendship" lessons to anyone other than Shining Armor.

And as for Grogar, Lord Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy Glow? When they learned the true colors of the Princesses from spying on Twilight, they couldn't bear the sight of them. It was so bad, the Legion of Doom even gave up their plans to rule Equestria, because they simply wanted to get as far away from the lustful Alicorns as possible. However, Cozy didn't truly understand why she felt the way she did, and sometimes even asked her ex-Legion of Doom members why.

But Cozy never got an answer, because neither Tirek, Chrysalis, or Grogar were interested to give the young filly "The Talk".

Author's Note

Well, that happened.

And going by Danny's reaction to being found in the Everfree Forest, I guess he's also a long-time fanfic writer.