The Poorly-Planned Pink Pony Protector

by Nebbie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 3743

The CMC decide that Pinkie's hammerspace tail makes an excellent hiding spot. Mistakes were made.

Pinkie's tail is a lot bigger on the inside, and certainly will keep three fillies hidden when they get in trouble, but is it really so easy to get out? They certainly think so...
Takes place sometime during Season 4 (before Twilight gets a castle).

Made for Matthewthawes as a fic request.

Published 2019-07-21 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-28 03:03:19 UTC

The Perfect Plan

It was such a good plan. Sweetie was sure that it would get them their cutie marks. Who would have known that filly ingenuity was a bad mix with parts supplied by Discord?

"Applejack's behind us!" cried Scootaloo, making the three rapidly make a few turns to shake her pursuit.

"To Sugarcube Corner! Pinkie would know where we can hide!" said Sweetie after a moment of thought.

Soon enough, the Cutie Mark Crusaders burst through the door.

"Ya think they saw us? If Pinkie isn't here, we gotta find somewhere to hide, quick!" exclaimed Apple Bloom.

"Definitely!" replied Scootaloo while catching her breath.

She came up to the counter and rang the service bell about two dozen times in a row. Within a moment, Pinkie slipped in from out of frame above them and hopped down to behind the counter.

"Ooh, ooh, is there some kind of cupcake emergency?" she asked the three slightly-confused fillies.

"How did yo-," said Sweetie before being cut off by both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom.

"We made a big mistake on the farm with a paintin' machi-," the yellow filly said.
"We ran all the way here and we're out of options and and-," the orange filly got out before Sweetie Belle stuffed their mouths with her hooves.

"Hiding spot! We need a good hiding spot nopony would ever look! Hurry!" the white filly blurted out squeakily with desperation in her eyes and voice.

Pinkie made a "hmmm" noise for a bit as she stroked her chin with the tip of her tail. Suddenly, as she looked down at her tail in deep concentration, a lightbulb appeared above her head, then fell to the floor nearby.

"I've got a place! My tail! It's bigger on the inside; I call it a TARDIS: Tail And Related Diabetes-Inducing S'mores," she said with a wide smile and a s'more in her hoof of no apparent origin.

"Uh, wha?" Apple Bloom replied with one eye wide in confusion as Scootaloo scratched her head and Sweetie just stared speechlessly.

"Here, I can show you! Just pull my tail!" Pinkie exclaimed as she turned to face her plot at a nearby wall and slightly towards the fillies.

Scootaloo shrugged and gave the pink appendage a yank. When she let go, Pinkie began vibrating up and down with her tail raised and eyes wide. Finally, the pink pony stopped as, with a comical sputter and a bit of confetti, a small unicycle flew out her butt and lightly hit the wall.

Scootaloo recoiled in horror with her tongue out in an extreme expression of disgust.

"You...can fart out things that go into your tail? I'm done, I think I'll just take my spanking now," replied Sweetie, with almost as much disgust visible on her face.

Apple Bloom, however, was smiling wide, and grabbed Sweetie, mushing their cheeks together as the white filly went along with it out of fear.

"That's perfect! And it might be a good thing to show off at the next Apple Family Reunion, Big Mac's farts are funny, but they ain't exactly stage material if ya know what I mean," she said with a giggle.

Sweetie sighed, knowing that her resistance probably only made these earth ponies crazier.

Pinkie nodded a bit.

"Can do! Huh, that unicycle was one Limestone hated when we were foals. So that's where I put it..." Pinkie said as she picked it up.

Suddenly, from outside, voices could be heard.

"They went in here, y'all! Come on, ya slowpokes!" shouted Applejack at the top of her lungs just outside the door.

"Hey, who are you callin' slow?!" replied Rainbow Dash distantly.

Apple Bloom immediately leaped into Pinkie's tail, with Scootaloo a split-second behind, and Sweetie showing only a moment's hesitation before jumping. Pinkie's eyes went wide as she saw them being absorbed into the pink hairs.

"Wait, wait! You can't just...oh no," she said just as Applejack burst in, slopping wet with red paint and a bit of mud, practically no part of her coat visible except the left half of her face.

Meanwhile, the fillies found themselves floating in a dark, endless, gravityless void. They held onto each other tightly, head to butt, to keep together.

"Okay, not our best plan, but at least we're all together," said Apple Bloom, chuckling nervously.

"Um, girls, what if we have go to the bathroom?" asked Scootaloo, with audible worry.

"You're holdin' it in for as long as I'm behind you!" shouted Sweetie against the orange filly's butt.

Back outside, Pinkie put on a brave face as her inner Pinkie literally raced around a Mario Kart track between different excuses to make about the CMC. She hit a question mark block along the way, and it gave her "DISTRACT AND STALL".

"Hey Applejack, are you going to a beauty pageant as 'clumsy barn-painting farmer'? It's a good look!" she said while trying not to sweat.

"Pinkie, an apple a day can keep anypony away if I throw it hard 'nough into their face. Now ya'll are gonna cut the horseapples and tell me where those three little rascals went," she said with a glare that easily melted the ice cubes Pinkie's brain was using to prevent sweating.

Pinkie began to giggle nervously and somewhat crazily, with an eye twitching, and a few beads of sweat forming. Applejack stared, looking worried, but the odd scene was interrupted as Rainbow Dash and Rarity burst in together, with streaks of red paint all over the former, and mud completely covering the latter.

"Where are those little punks?! That squirt is getting this out of my mane, even if I have to chain her up!" shouted Dash.

"Now now, Dash, don't be so rash, I'm sure the three of them will apologize and PAY FOR ALL OUR MANE CARE OUT OF THEIR ALLOWANCE FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIIIIIVES!" Rarity shouted with an enraged scowl before hyperventilating.

Pinkie gulped as her tail twitched. This was gonna be a doozy.

Author's Note

Hopefully everyone got a good laugh. Chapter 2 promises even more humor.

The Perilous Problem

"Uh, well...the fillies just had a uh...sudden invisibility party to go to. You know how it is, you turn invisible, you want to celebrate before it wears off, heheh...heheh..." Pinkie said with sweat dripping down her face.

"Oh really? Well I know one pony who might just got a sudden liar party to get to, and it involves my leg going into her face. So, where again are those three?" asked Applejack sternly.

Pinkie gulped as she put out a bucket to catch more sweat, which filled up so soon she had to get two more within seconds.

"Allow me, Applejack," Rarity said as she wiped some mud off her face and came forward.

"Pinkie, darling, if you don't provide us with the whereabouts of those three fillies, I'm afraid we'll simply have to punish you in their place. Where are they?" she asked, meeting Pinkie's gaze with a glare that melted Inner Pinkie's tungsten parasol.

Pinkie pulled a paper bag out of her mane and began to breathe into it rapidly. However, a moment later, Dash came forward and popped the bag with a nearby tack, then grabbed Pinkie by the mane and brought her snout to snout.

"PINKIE!" she shouted simply.

"Alright! Alright! They're inside of me!" Pinkie said as inner Pinkie hit an abort button on operation deception.

Rainbow dropped her as the three stared, confused.

"Um, Pinkie, darling, what?" the fashionista asked, her aggressive demeanor completely flattened.

"I kind of...absorbed them..." Pinkie said with a somewhat flat mane.

Rainbow flew around the counter and began to poke at Pinkie's belly, then buttcheeks, complete with under-the-tail inspection.

"You...you digested them already! Pinkie...I didn't even get to say goodbye to that squirt...how could you..." Rainbow said with tears starting to form as the other two stared in shock.

"What? No no, I didn't eat them, I'm sure I could do it, but I'm not some crazy cannibal like my great aunt Pony Pot Pie, Dashie, they're in my tail!" Pinkie said.

"Um...run that by me again, sugarcube?" queried Applejack.

"It has infinite storage and uh, they're inside it. Hey give it a yank, maybe they'll come out!" Pinkie said with an overly-excited smirk.

Rarity sighed and pulled. As with before, a short fart and confetti blew out an object, this time a lifesize painted wooden carving of Fluttershy striking a pose. Rarity's eye twitched as she backed up from the sight.

Rainbow started to crack up as Applejack put a hoof around Rarity.

Pinkie was the first to giggle.

"See! Not them, but useful if you're ever in a statue decoration emergency. The randomness makes it fun!" she said.

Rarity stepped forward and pressed her hoof to Pinkie's barrel.

"Pinkie, a lot of things are fun, and my sister being trapped in your body while y-you...break wind to do impossible things without so much as an 'excuse me' is not one of them!" the white unicorn explained, barely avoiding shouting.

Pinkie's mane almost fully flattened as her inner Pinkie tried to reconcile a square "Rarity" peg and a round "fun" hole.

"Sorry, Rarity, look, I think I can get them out, just give me a moment..." she said as she hopped to the other side of the counter.

Rarity nodded and stepped back. To her horror, Pinkie then squatted and started straining, looking like she was defecating. Soon, a loud fart erupted.

"Woopsie, that wasn't them..." she said before resuming.

Rainbow giggled a little, earning a glare from Applejack.

Pinkie farted profusely for nearly half a minute as Rarity slowly lost composure, but all that came out was wind.

"Aah...well, I feel a lot better now, but I didn't get them out. At least this time it smells like cotton candy," the pink pony said with a slight smile.

Rarity, now wide-eyed, took a slight sniff.

"I can't bear this...this horror! Ponies were not meant to experience this!" she said as she collapsed onto Applejack's side, earning an eyeroll from the farmer pony.

"Consarnit, first the CMC ruin our picnic and now this. I swear, if another thousand-year-old wannabe shows up next, I'm gettin' out the axe, cause I ain't in no dang mood!" exclaimed Applejack as she tried to wipe away the mix of mud and paint where Rarity was against her.

"What did they do, anyways? You three seem awfully keen on punishment! Did they break a Pinkie promise while they ruined your picnic?" asked Pinkie.

Rainbow sighed as she sat down in one of the few spots not covered in paint or mud.

"They were doing some stupid cutie mark stunt and it got us covered in...in this!" exclaimed Rainbow.

"I might've told 'em to try paintin' the barn and they came up with some fancy contraption that only painted us...Rarity took cover near some mud and got splattered even worse by it. I promised 'em I'd spank those flanks 'til they were redder than any barn ever was!" said Applejack with a motion of her hoofs to show she meant business.

Pinkie envisioned Apple Bloom having a rear end looking like an apple, which would definitely win some beauty pageants, but would probably need a very expensive cream to not hurt all day, and Pinkie realized this would be her fate if she didn't do something.

"Oh...um, well maybe if we just-" Pinkie said, rubbing her chin with a hoof as Inner Pinkie drew up blueprints in crayon and a plunger showed up in the pony's free hoof.

"DARLING NO!" shouted Rarity as she swatted it away, before taking a moment to breathe.

"As soon as we are cleaned off, we are going to Twilight and she will find an answer and you will not talk or do anything without our permission, do you understand me?!" she practically shouted.

Inner Pinkie showed calculations concluding angry Rarity could easily kill Maud with a teacup in close combat, and Pinkie gulped, then did a silent Pinkie Promise as her tail did a weird sort of spin.

In the gravityless void, a sputter could be heard as Scootaloo breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

Sweetie's eye twitched as she realized just how much ponies took gravity for granted when they used the toilet.

Author's Note

For those wondering, here's a short summary of the history of space toilet troubles; it's not pleasant, and there's a lot worse details about the Apollo and Shuttle problems and especially certain incidents. Poor Sweetie.

The Punchline

The four were all in the bathtub, having the first bit of relaxation in the strange day. Rarity of course was still scrubbing herself even with the last bits of mud off.

"Are you sure it's all gone, Applejack?" she asked.

"Rarity, for the last darn time, it's mud, it ain't like some kind o' fancy perfume that lingers in every little hair, me and Dash were covered in paint and we're spotless, you ain't got nothin' to worry about!" the farmpony said sternly.

"Very well, I guess we shall be going, then," Rarity said with a flick of her mane, putting it back to its normal shape.

"Aww, I wanted to blow more bubbles with Gummy!" said Pinkie, earning a facehoof from Dash.

"Ya can do that later, sugarcube, let's get to Twilight's," Applejack replied, leading everypony out the door.

It wasn't a minute later that they exited Sugarcube Corner to see their worst nightmare: the auto-painting machine wreaking havoc on the town. Twilight flew overhead towards it, but in her haste, smashed right into a sign.

"Twilight! You okay, darling?" asked Rarity.

"I uh...whoa I uh...my horn hurts. I think I'm fine, though," replied the alicorn as she took back to the skies...and promptly failed to cast a basic magic beam at the contraption, having it blow up in her face and send her cartwheeling off into some houses.

"Of course their machine goes crazy, and the one pony who could stop it doesn't look where she's going!" Dash said before crossing her forehooves.

"Twilight may be out of commission, but we can sure do something. You two think o' somethin' smart while I go try to help Twilight!" said Applejack as she ran.

Rarity scratched her chin a bit before noticing Spike running and carrying a stack of strange items that could only be Twilight's over-prepared selection of emergency disaster tools.

"I'll make sure the little dear can use those, perhaps you can do something with Pinkie's, erm...abilities?" said Rarity with a glint in her eye.

Rainbow looked to the smiling Pinkie a moment and gulped while Rarity trotted off.

"This better work..." she said as she grabbed the pink pony, putting her over her shoulder like a bazooka, rear pointing at the oncoming contraption.

She gave the tail a pull, and with the usual noise and confetti, an anvil shot out like a cannonball...and missed completely.

"Typical," was all Dash could say as the machine went after a certain gray pegasus.

Derpy gave a screech as it utterly splattered her into a red mess...of a pony covered in red paint. She of course then smiled and flew off, not seeming to care anymore.

Rainbow rolled her eyes before unloading another shot, this time...just a huge sputter and a lot of confetti.

"Hehe, I may have a few times cleaned up confetti with my tail. It's a good sweeper," said Pinkie as Dash made a groan of annoyance.

Meanwhile, the battle raged on, and Rose screamed for over a minute as the machine came towards her, finally brushing past lightly and dramatically touching her cheek. She swooned and fainted with a scream before playing dead, putting on a face like her head had been taken off by the complete-opposite-of-brutal impact.

Rainbow tried a third yank, and this time, a wrench flew out. it went right in where Rarity had managed to get a panel open, and many clanking sounds were made as it hit the inner gears of the machine. The whole contraption seized up and shook, stopping completely with a lurch.

Spike was the first to cheer...only to be hit all over his front by one last spurt of red paint. Rarity leaped to him, getting on her knees and holding his legs.

"Why him? Why-hy-hy? Why!? He was so young!" she cried as she begged hysterically.

"Uh, Rarity, I'm fine," he said, as the fashionista continued to bawl.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and set Pinkie down as Applejack returned carrying a dazed Twilight.

"Good work, ya'll, turns out an alicorn's weakness is signs," she remarked as she set down the dizzy princess.

"It was uh...it came out of nowhere!" she tried to say in her defense.

"Uh-huh. Look, now that that's taken care of, think you can get the Cutie Mark Crusaders out of Pinkie? She kind of...ate them...with her tail, so if you've got some kind of magical laxative that works on whatever is going on in there, we could use it," Rainbow said with a very serious expression.

"Yeah, I can fart things back out, but it's kinda random, and I guess not every pony thinks being random makes everything more fun," Pinkie said with a confused look.

Twilight stared blankly for several moments, trying to comprehend what she'd just heard.

"I...I...just meet me at the treehouse and I'll bring Zecora," she said, before trotting off in a hurry, grabbing Spike from Rarity along the way.

Everypony was silent as Twilight and Zecora worked tirelessly on potions. Pinkie, of course, couldn't stand it.

"But what if I play some musi-" she tried to ask before Rarity grabbed her lips and yanked them hard.

The glare on the white unicorn's face was one that made angel Pinkie pack up her bags and move to Dash's shoulder, while devil Pinkie tried to play tough for a moment, only to wet herself and run into the bathroom door in Pinkie's ear. Pinkie herself just sweated and gulped.

"Got anythin' yet, sugarcube? We're gettin' restless," asked Applejack.

Twilight sighed before presenting a bubbling green goo that looked about ready to try to jump out and terrorize them.

"It's all we've got, but it's worth a shot," said Zecora as she put a hoof comfortingly on Twilight's shoulder.

"Right, just be ready if something...unexpected happens, Applejack. I've never made a potion like this before. Just follow the instructions carefully and she shouldn't blow up," Twilight said worryingly.

"Um...ya'll sure this is a good idea?" the farmpony asked.

"Well, we could try feeding it to an animal, one that we would miss less if it exploded. Fluttershy might not be too fond of it, but at least we wouldn't be putting our friend in danger..." Twilight trailed off as she checked a clipboard of testing protocols.

"ENOUGH!" yelled Rainbow as she swiped the potion from Twilight's magic and shoved it in Pinkie's mouth, forcing the pink pony to gulp it down.

Everypony stared in shock for a moment as Pinkie started to turn red the moment the flask left her mouth. A moment later, she began to vibrate and swell up like a balloon while squeaking in panic. Rainbow let out a few murmurs of "oh no no no", fearing the worst, as Rarity and AJ backed away slowly.

Pinkie bit her lip and grunted, straining like she was trying to take the biggest dump of her life. A few moments later, the first sputters of air came out. She then made one big grunt as suddenly, she deflated and raised up as a totem pole of the three fillies sitting atop each other appeared from out her rear. Apple Bloom was on bottom, looking slightly shocked; Scootaloo was in the middle, clearly more disturbed; and Sweetie Belle was on top...head still stuck inside and muffledly saying words quite inappropriate for a filly.

Pinkie strained a moment more as Sweetie's head came free with a sputter, and hopped off while sighing in relief. Sweetie appeared absolutely mortified and lost her lunch into a nearby trash bin.

"If next time it's that or certain doom, I don't care that her farts taste like cotton candy, I'm choosing certain doom!" the white filly angrily declared.

Rarity leapt to her and hugged her, planting a few cheek kisses and nuzzling her. "Oh Sweetie Belle, you're okay."

"I wouldn't go that far..." Sweetie said with a slight eye twitch before whispering into Rarity's ear how it was inside.

Rarity responded with a similar eye twitch, and held the filly tight.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash trotted over more calmly to hug their little sisters as Twilight wiped away some sweat from her forehead.

"Now what did ya'll learn about runnin' from punishment?" Applejack asked.

"Uh...ask what you're signin' up for?" Apple Bloom replied.

Scootaloo sighed.

"Don't try it or Rainbow Dash will just catch you anyways," the orange filly said with a groan.

"Good answer, squirt. Now, what do you two think is a good punishment?" Rainbow asked with a smirk.

Rarity hmmed a moment before getting an evil grin as Twilight Sparkle and Zecora began doing some testing on a rather under-the-weather looking Pinkie Pie, complete with a small cloud above her head that was threatening to rain.

The CMC looked to each other and gulped in unison, as if this would be their last moments.

"I do believe that Sweetie has suffered enough what with ponies'...bodily functions," Rarity said with a horrified shudder.

"I s'pose Apple Bloom and Scootaloo got it almost as bad...how about they just clean everythin' up and we call it even?" suggested Applejack.

The CMC breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Well...okay, but Scootaloo is also my maid for a week and has to do everything I say!" added Rainbow Dash.

"Ugh, fine!" replied Scootaloo, trying to hide a slight blush.

Twilight giggled as she came over.

"Now that that's all sorted out, anypony want to help Pinkie recover? The potion seems to have dehydrated her and Zecora's not sure another one to help would be wise," she said.

"Of course, darling! Applejack, why don't you give the fillies a bath while me and Rainbow help out Pinkie," Rarity replied.

"On it!" Applejack said as she scooped the three up and ran for the bathroom.

Rainbow immediately rolled her eyes as she spotted the now-raining cloud.

"Typical Pinkie..."