Tirek stared at the prone pegasus in front of him. She wasn’t moving. For that matter, he wasn’t entirely sure she was still breathing, either. Maybe he’d hit her just a little too hard this time. It’s not like she worked out in her downtime like he did. And as much as she annoyed him, she was still just a filly after all… Not that he really cared, but it would be inconvenient if she died.
Cozy Glow’s sense of hearing came back first. Her ears twitched at the tinkling of shattering glass and the screech of metal deforming. Touch came back next, and she noted with confusion, not to mention disgust, that she was face down in the mud. She shook her head from side to side, trying to clear the cobwebs out. “They must’ve tossed me out of the hideout. Again.”
“Our newest guest awakens.”
She didn’t recognize the speaker. Cozy’s head was still pounding so her eyes remained shut. She did her best to turn towards the mysterious voice. “What hit me?”
There was a sigh. “Not a ‘what’, but rather a ‘who’. Your ‘friend’ Tirek, and I use that term very loosely, swatted you away from him.”
“Like swatting a fly with a brick, or maybe even a Buick.”
“You totally just stole that joke from my franchise.”
The first voice had been joined by two more, the second robotic, and third higher pitched, to the point where she couldn’t tell if the speaker was a female or a prepubescent male. “Who are you?” Cozy Glow finally opened her eyes, blinking in the muted sunlight of an overcast day, illuminating a large yard filled with derelict machines the likes of which Cozy had never seen.
A Great Dane puppy walked towards her. “Cozy Glow? Hi, I’m Scrappy Doo.”
“Hi Cozy! I’m Nermal, the world’s cutest kitty cat.” A gray-striped tabby batted a ball of yarn between his front paws. His voice, much like her own, was bright, cheery, and overly enthusiastic, a sharp contrast to the dreary landscape they found themselves in.
“Friend find, look behind.”
“I love making friends!”
“Bad pony.” Nermal spritzed the filly with a spray bottle. “You’re going to make some real friends for once.”
“Did a cat just spritz me with water?”
Nermal rubbed his chest. “Yup. We’re here to help you, and that means listening to us instead of scheming.”
A comically oversized towel dropped on top of Cozy Glow. “Here’s something to help you get dry. Now where was I? Wheelie’s the name, and rhyming’s my game. It’s a personality quirk, that makes everyone else act like a big jerk.” The last voice came from one of the machines surrounding her. An orange one that was in far better condition than any of the others. It started falling apart. Much to Cozy Glow’s surprise the pieces reassembled themselves into a giant bipedal robot.
Dozens of questions burned in her mind. “How do you know my name?” Cozy was used to having the inside scoop on everypony and then using it to her advantage. She didn’t like the idea of ~~anypony~~ anycreature doing the same to her. She’d have to do her own intelligence-gathering as they interrogated her.
“We know a lot about you, Cozy Glow. You’re a very naughty little filly.” Cozy made a mental note that the cutesy act wasn’t going to work as the puppy continued. “We’re here to help you.”
“Great! Because I’ve got some plans, and I’m sure that with your help we can get rid of Grogar and then take over Equestria!”
Squirt.
Being squirted in the face was getting old fast. She glared at Nermal. “Must you?”
“Yup! Besides, to clarify, we’re not here to help you with your nefarious schemes, we’re here to help you become a better character.”
Cozy Glow groaned. “Friendship this, being nice that. Yadda, yadda, yadda, don’t care. I heard it all from Twilight Sparkle. Spare me the lecture and just send me back to Tartarus. I escaped once, and I’ll escape again.”
“I really think you should hear us out first. It’s in your best interests.”
Cozy Glow rolled her eyes and resigned herself to her fate. Even if they wouldn’t help her, perhaps they could still be useful to her plans. Cozy took a better look at her surroundings, paying particular attention to the strange machines. Many of them appeared to be conveyances of some sort. “Where am I?”
“Welcome to the Scrappy Heap.” Scrappy waved a paw around at the junkyard surrounding them. “A refuge among the refuse for unloved characters such as yourself. A place where we can be ourselves and offer encouragement to one another.”
“I’m not unloved! I have lots of friends! Just you wait, with the power of their friendship I’ll overthrow the princesses and rule Equestria as empress!”
“Poor, deluded little pony.” Nermal purred as he rubbed himself against Cozy’s forelegs. “Poor, deluded, soft, cuddly, and warm little pony.”
“The sad fact is that to be hated, is why you were created.”
“It’s true,” added Scrappy. “We’ve been watching you with interest since your first appearance. Getting established characters like the Cutie Mark Crusaders in trouble was your first mistake.”
“No, that was your second mistake. Being too cute and adorable was your first mistake.” Nermal looked at his reflection in a mirror. “Nobody trusts anyone who’s too nice or too cute. A curse I know all too well.” He rubbed a paw on his chest.
Scrappy conceded that point to Nermal. “Now you’ve gone from last season’s big bad villain to this season’s comedy relief. Specifically, the receiving end of all the cartoon slapstick violence. Child abuse is a horrible crime that scars kids for life. Unless it’s a character no one likes, and then it’s funny. We’re annoying, so we deserve it.”
“I get thrown through doors and mailed to Abu Dhabi.” Nermal sighed. “I’m on a first name basis with every postal carrier from the Midwest to the Middle East.”
“Elmyra Duff gets anvils dropped on her.” Scrappy turned on a vintage floor model television set to a clip of Tiny Toon Adventures.
“And then there’s Brainy Smurf, he gets tossed out of his village headfirst into the turf.” Wheelie pressed play on a VCR, and a different TV played a loop of Brainy landing on his noggin.
“And Tirek, Chrysalis, and Grogar all smack me around.”
“And how does that make you feel?” Scrappy asked her.
“Unappreciated. I came closer to my goals than any of them. I outsmarted Twilight and her friends. I outplayed the creatures from Twilight’s stupid school. And the only reason I didn’t rid Equestria of magic is because the Tree of Harmony intervened. How could I possibly plan for that?”
“No one ever plans for the deus ex machina.”
“Golly, what’s that?”
Scrappy pulled a flip chart from the dilapidated office. “Try to keep up with the tropes. You’re going to need to know a lot about them. Deus ex machina is an unexpected plot device used to resolve an otherwise hopeless situation. Usually to save the heroes at the last possible second after everything else has failed.”
“Basically it’s something pulled out of thin air. Yes, it’s completely and totally unfair.”
“Meaning your plan was as perfect as it could be, but it was destined to fail regardless,” Scrappy continued. “Unlike the real world, where evil often wins, there’s literally no way to ‘win’ on your series unless you’re a good guy.”
“I don’t believe you!”
Scrappy pressed a paw to the ridge of his nose. He was going to have a headache before all was said and done. Villain Scrappies were the worst to deal with. He turned to Nermal, who was all too happy to spritz Cozy again. “Sit. Stay. Learn.”
“Or don’t!” Nermal beamed and brandished the water bottle. “I can do this all day.”
Cozy Glow sighed and sat on her haunches in the mud. That, she could believe. The rest? Not so much.
“I want you to think back. Think of everything you’ve learned in school. Everything you’ve read about history. When did the bad guys win?”
“Well, Discord won. For a little while anyway. And Grogar says he ruled until Gusty the Great took him down.”
“And what do those fleeting victories have in common?”
“They were short-lived. And they were a long time ago. Like really ancient history.”
Nermal turned on computer and pulled up a website with all the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic episodes on it. “Nightmare Moon. Banished for a thousand years. Defeated in one night upon her return. Reformed. And when we get to see her fall from grace in the past, we see her defeat was also quick at the hooves of her sister.” He skipped to the next two-parter season opening. “Discord. Sealed in stone for a really long time. His return lasted a day before he was stoned again.”
I turn to stone when you are gone, I turn to stone.
Nermal facepawed. “I thought Bumblebee was the mute who plays the radio to talk in your universe?”
“Movieverse ‘Bee has to use the radio to say ‘hello’. I just really like ELO.”
“You…rhymed…Electric Light Orchestra…with hello…and it works.” Nermal’s mind bluescreened.
“Goodbye kitty. Next up: We Built This City!”
“My favorite song. Thank you, Wheelie.” Scrappy bobbed his head to the beat of the song.
“It’s a moot point anyway. Sombra may not have managed to get his hooves on the Crystal Empire, but at least he did one thing right: that meddlesome tree is long gone. And that means I’ll win next time!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. ‘I’ll get you next time, Gadget, next time!’ and all that.” Scrappy rolled his eyes. “I’ve heard it all before. Get it out of your system. And if you have any evil laughs, or cackling, or anything else of that nature, let’s just get it over with now.”
“But...my evil plans? You can’t mock them! I’m going to put those self-righteous ponies and creatures in their place!”
Nermal’s brain resumed working. “Dr. Claw was 0-for-86 in episodes of Inspector Gadget. But at the end of every episode he swore he’d get Gadget next time. Is that how it’s going to be with you too?”
“The real question is whether you want a happy ending, or if against the Mane 6 you’d rather be defending,” Wheelie added his two cents, in rhyme, of course.
Cozy looked to the three of them. “I want a happy ending. I want to stand over my defeated enemies and laugh at their misery as I crush the remaining spirit from their bodies.”
Squirt. Nermal looked at the spray bottle. “At this rate I’m going to need refill this thing soon.”
“That’s not how you get a happy ending on your series. Your show is about love and tolerance.” Scrappy paused and shifted tactics. “Look at your former teachers, the Elements of Harmony. What are the elements?”
“Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty, Laughter, Honesty, and the most powerful of all, Magic. Friendship may be magic, but magic is power. And without magic, that power is mine for the taking!”
Powerful mechanical fingers grabbed her tail and soon Cozy Glow was brought face-to-face with Wheelie. “Hey!” She flapped her wings so all her weight wouldn’t be hanging by her tail.
“So be kind. Help others when they’re in a bind. Be generous to a fault – those evil schemes you must halt. Place your loyalty in the royalty. Have a laugh and put your faith in the show’s staff. Don’t be uncouth, seek out the truth. If I wanted you permanently shushed, I’d pinch my fingers and you’d be crushed. Tell me, little pony, the true meaning of power. Don’t think I can’t feel you shake and cower.”
You’re not fooling me, ‘cause I can see, the way you shake and shiver.
Scrappy glared at Nermal, who dove for cover as the puppy dropkicked the boombox playing the Scooby Doo theme song towards the pile of scrap being processed for recycling.
“I can’t believe you just went there. Scrappy’s feelings won’t you spare?”
“I would, but his reactions are priceless.”
“Because that wound just won’t go away. My franchise is one of the most beloved of all time, and it’s rare when there isn’t new media being produced. And I’m not in any of it. Everyone loves Scooby, but no one loves Scrappy.”
Nermal laid a paw on Scrappy’s back. “Bud, I love you like a brother. This…” He waved a paw around, motioning at the junkyard surrounding them. “This is an incredible thing you’ve done. For me. For them.” He motioned to Wheelie and Cozy Glow. “For all of us. Someday, someone will decide that it’s time for you to make a comeback. New Coke is making a comeback. You know, the old shame Coca-Cola couldn’t discontinue fast enough. If New Coke can rally back from oblivion, so can Scrappy Doo!”
Scrappy huffed. “That’s a limited promotion. 500,000 cans and that’s it. And it’s a promotional tie-in with a show set in the ‘80s.”
“Start small, but think big.” Nermal awkwardly hugged Scrappy. Empathy or affection for anyone other than himself was somewhat out of character for the normally narcissistic kitty. “You and I both know that if those 500,000 cans sell out instantly, Coca-Cola will use that as an excuse to make more of them. They’re a corporation; they like to make money. You had that oh-so-brief, blink and you’ll miss it, cameo in Supernatural. While reviewers expressed relief that it was merely a cameo, no one actually complained about it. The road to redemption may not lie through conventional channels. Sooner or later people will stop blaming the character for the failures of the writers and executives pulling the strings. And someday a writer will look at Scrappy Doo and consider it the ultimate challenge to return you to grace.”
Cozy Glow was lost. Scrappy had flown off the handle at the music being played. Nermal was being sincere instead of sarcastic. And Wheelie still had her by the tail. “I have no idea what’s going on.”
“You’re not the only one here with issues. We all have problems, or we wouldn’t be here. Scrappy’s wound may not be fresh, but it’s still tender nonetheless,” Nermal explained as Wheelie set the pegasus back on the ground.
“And maybe if you weren’t so self-centered, Nermal, you’d be more popular.” Scrappy was still livid.
“Time out! There’s no need to shout! The issue must be resolved, or I fear your friendship may be dissolved.”
“Yeah! I’m an expert on solving friendship problems. I studied under Twilight Sparkle herself! I was so good she made me her assistant.”
“Bad Cozy.” Squirt. Squirt. Squirt. “And empty.” Nermal tossed the empty container aside. “I’m gonna go get the hose.”
“Seriously!” Water dripped down what was left of Cozy’s rapidly straightening curls as she tried to explain. “I can do this. For real, even! No tricks, no agendas, promise!” She turned to Scrappy. “Nermal likes to pick at scabs so the wounds can’t heal. He’s a tormentor. Like me.” She paused. “Oh my stars. I’m a tormentor too. I enjoy seeing other folks get riled up.”
“Sure, solve your own friendship problem instead of ours. Just like we planned.”
Scrappy nodded. “Sometimes you need to look around to see what’s inside.”
“You staged this?”
“Well, duh. Now that you know why nopony likes you, what are you going to do about it? Make it good, because I can still get the hose…”
Cozy put a hoof to her muzzle and scrunched up her face in concentration. “Golly, I don’t know. I don’t know if I know how to be good. Even if I can figure it out, I’m not sure I want to. There’s something empowering about not caring about those around you. Go ahead, take Tirek or Chrysalis hostage. See if I care.”
“Sort of how Grogar doesn’t care about you? And what, exactly, are you planning on doing to him?” Nermal rolled his eyes waiting for Cozy to put two and two together.
“Backstabbing him… Oh.”
“Exactly. You know how to make friends though, right?”
Cozy turned to Scrappy. “I’m very good at making friends!”
“Just not so good at keeping them.” The puppy shook his head, sadly.
Cozy opened her mouth to raise an objection but closed it. “I can’t argue that. I mean, at one point I had everypony eating out of my hooves, but now? They know.”
“And most of them will never trust you again. And how did you make friends?”
“By doing favors for ponies. That way they’d owe me later.”
“That’s less of a friend, and more of a means to an end.”
“Friendship doesn’t work that way. Nermal, Wheelie, and myself are offering to help you without any expectation of you reciprocating. If we can help you, that will be enough for us.”
“And that’s a pretty big ‘if’. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone struggle with the concept of friendship this badly before. You may need to consider seeing a therapist.”
“Oh, I’m just a filly. Maybe when I’m older. Right now I’m really too young to date anypony.”
Nermal slapped a paw into his forehead as Scrappy tried to explain. “Nermal means you should get therapy to help you work through your problems.”
“Nah, I’m good.”
“Only time will tell if that’s true.”
Only time will tell
You're claiming victory
You were just using me
And there is no one you can use now.
Nermal rolled his eyes as Wheelie cranked up Asia’s ‘80s hit by the same name. Before he could comment on either Wheelie’s taste in music or Cozy Glow’s need of therapy, they were interrupted by a gray Great Dane with buckteeth and a magnifying glass.
“Dum, dum, dum, dum!”
“Who’s that?” Cozy asked as the canine examined her under the magnifying glass, shrugged, and continued looking for nonexistent clues to a nonexistent crime.
“Scooby Dum. He’s not very bright, and he’s hated only marginally less than Scrappy. He doesn’t have any place else to go so Scrappy lets him stay here with him.”
“So, he’s, uh, Scooby Doofus basically?”
Scrappy couldn’t help cracking up at that. “Stick around kid, I think I could get to like you after all. We don’t normally condone making fun of each other, and Scooby Dum is the sweetest dog you’ll ever meet, but you just gave me a nickname I can use for my uncle.” He sighed. “Sooner or later they’ll use me as a villain again. May as well be prepared to act the part.”
Cozy Glow chuckled. “When it comes to being a villain, I can teach you a lot. Like my good friend, Tirek, always says…”
Cozy and Scrappy both were immediately drenched by Nermal, who had made good on his threat to get the hose. “Bad pony. Bad puppy. We’re not here for revenge schemes. Not against Twilight Sparkle and her friends and not against Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc.”
“We could mail Garfield to Abu Dhabi.”
Nermal pondered Scrappy’s words but ultimately shook his head. “Tempting, but no. Come on, bud. These are your rules. Your safe haven. Do these things mean nothing to you? Or has this all been a sham while you secretly plotted against your uncle?”
“I… wow. She’s good.”
Cozy Glow smiled her sweetest, most innocent smile. At least she did until Nermal turned the hose on her again. “Oh come on!”
“This is why Scrappy keeps me around. Sometimes I have to be the voice of reason.”
“Mostly because it involves drenching ponies.”
“Ponies, puppies, you know, whoever needs it. Except giant robots. It doesn’t work very well on giant robots.”
“Snarky gray kittens.”
“Nah.” Nermal waved a paw, dismissively. “Cats hate water.”
“Thank you, Nermal. I about lost my head there. Though, yes, I will file that insult away for future reference if I ever need to use it.”
“Do you know why you’re bad?”
Cozy cocked her head and looked at Nermal. “I need a reason?”
Scrappy sighed. “The writers didn’t exactly give you a good reason for your megalomania, did they? So you’re just kind of evil because you can be.”
“I… I… huh. Yeah, I guess I never really thought about it. I don’t know why I’m bad. I’m just bad.”
“Break out of it. Instead of looking for a Better Way To Be Bad you should instead focus on finding a way to be good. The only reason you’re bad is because the writers want you to be bad.”
“If you’re truly as evil as you say you are, go over there and steal Scooby Dum’s magnifying glass. And then break it.”
Cozy grinned at Nermal. “Challenge accepted.” She trotted towards the dimwitted dog and put on her biggest, sweetest smile. “Oh Mr. Scooby Dum! I think I found a clue! Can I borrow your magnifying glass for a minute?”
“She won’t go through with it.” Scrappy shook his head.
“She will, watch. This is her moral event horizon. If she’s capable of learning, she’ll figure it out pretty quickly. Otherwise we’re just wasting our time with a sociopath.”
The sound of shattering glass reached their ears as Cozy Glow spiked Scooby Dum’s most prized possession into the ground.
“My magnifying glass! It’s all broken.” He pulled another magnifying glass out of thin air and started looking for clues as to who could have possibly broken the first one, despite having watched the perpetrator commit the crime two feet in front of him. Defeated, Cozy returned to the others.
“Way to break some glass. That’s real badass.” Wheelie’s sarcasm made Cozy’s ears flatten.
“He was supposed to get upset! He was supposed to cry or scream or do something! Anything except going back to doing what he was doing!” She gripped her hair in frustration. Her curls had long since flattened due to all the soakings she’d endured thanks to Nermal. She pulled it, but not hard enough to yank it out by the roots. “He couldn’t find a clue if I bucked it right to him!”
“His curse is stupidity. I suppose if some future writer decided he was ironically named and really has an IQ of 157, that could change. But with his name and stereotype, well, think about a certain gray pegasus on your series. It’s way too controversial to bring him back. I probably have a better shot of returning than he does.”
“Now that you’ve said that, watch, Scooby Dum will be in the next direct-to-video Scooby movie.” Nermal chuckled. “Murphy’s Law and all that.”
“I’ve got to stop tempting fate like that…”
“Yes you do.” Nermal turned back to Cozy Glow. “You’re bad because the writers planned that you were going to be a villain. They wanted you to be unpopular before the season ender revealed that you were the big bad. Season 8 of your show was all about ponies getting along with other creatures. It stands to reason then that a pony would be the ultimate villain. In particular a young, adorable pony to show that cute and pretty doesn’t necessarily mean good, and icky, buglike changelings aren’t inherently evil. Unless you’re Chrysalis.” Nermal shuddered. “I still don’t know why the bronies love the changelings so much.”
“Sort of like the Flories from your franchise’s first generation,” Scrappy added. “Anthropomorphic flowers that were in conflict with giant crabs. Of course the naïve ponies sided with the evil flowers instead of the heroic Crab Nasties.”
“The Flories took over Posey’s garden for a season. And the Crab Nasties’ leader’s voice sounds familiar for some reason…”
Scrappy rolled his eyes. “Probably because her franchise and your franchise are both owned by Hasbro, and that was Peter Cullen. You know, Optimus Prime himself.”
“What do you mean by franchises?”
“In your case, My Little Pony. Your franchise is currently in its fourth, and by far most popular generation. But the hit show is ending after nine seasons. With the exception of a Stack’ems, you haven’t even gotten a toy yet, and it seems highly unlikely you ever will this late in the show’s run. G4 is on the way out, and chances are you won’t even end up in the eventual fifth generation. In my case, Scooby Doo. I was introduced in the show’s tenth year. Aside from a movie that intentionally attempted to destroy my character forever, I haven’t been a part of the franchise in thirty years. They continue taking potshots at me though.”
“Transformers, giant robots in disguise. Put more simply: big, metal guys. In my franchise’s live action reboot, the made me a tiny villain, not a big brute. But instead of watching the world burn, I got a heel-face turn.”
“Garfield. I’ve been in just about every incarnation of Garfield to date – from the comics, to the cartoon shows, to the live action movies. Unlike the others, I’ve been somewhat fortunate. There are a lot of annoying characters in my franchise. Some even more so than me, like the Buddy Bears and Binky. The bears are a ‘take that’ at the Care Bears, Get Along Gang, and other franchises that encouraged conformity by making sure the differing opinion was always wrong. And Binky, well he was in the comic strip. His whole shtick is that he’s an annoying clown that screams loudly at inopportune times. ‘Hey kiiiiiiiiiiiids!’”
Cozy Glow cringed. “Clowns are evil.”
“Evil. Annoying. Same difference.” Nermal shrugged. “And yet, somehow, Binky is an ensemble darkhorse who may, in fact, be more popular than I am. I haven’t fallen from grace, mostly because there’s been a large backlash against my franchise’s title character. It’s almost as cool to hate on Garfield as it is to pick on me. That said, my character drifted towards antagonistic in the most recent cartoon. Yet the thought continues to haunt my dreams. When will it be my turn for a face-heel turn?” Nermal sighed. “I don’t want to be a bad guy.”
“Nor did I.” Scrappy hung his head in shame. “When they made a live action movie of my franchise, I was the villain. And then they’ve never used me since. It’s become a running gag that I’m not to even be mentioned.”
An awkward silence fell over the group, broken only by the steady drone of the compactor crushing vehicles into cubes of metal and the occasional ‘Dum, dum, dum, dum!’ from Scooby Dum. Cozy used the silence to study her surroundings. “What are all these things?” Cozy Glow pointed to the derelict vehicles. “And why do they all have ponies on them?”
“They’re called automobiles. Or cars. Specifically, these are mostly Ford Mustang IIs. The Scrappy of cars. The Mustang has been a popular car from the time it debuted. You can make them fast, luxurious, or just cheap basic transportation that looks good. But the Mustang II was made in an era when cars were generally awful. It doesn’t matter that the Mustang II kept the Mustang name alive through that era and allowed the model to survive to the present day. It doesn’t matter that sales of the Mustang II were some of the strongest the Mustang has ever had. It isn’t fast, and even other Mustang enthusiasts dismiss it as ‘not a real Mustang’ so it’s earned its place here. It doesn’t deserve the hate.” Scrappy ran a paw along the hood of the nearest car. “Poor cars. I save them when I can.”
“It’s my alt mode when I’m here. A Mustang of dubious year. But look close and I’m more than meets your eyes – I’m a robot in disguise!” Wheelie transformed into an orange Mustang II with a white vinyl roof, completely different from the futuristic design he normally sported in his own series.
“Eh, you’re a car. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all.” Nermal stretched and yawned as cutely as possible. He hopped up onto Wheelie’s hood. “Your engine’s still warm.”
“Now I have a paw print – right in the middle of my window tint.”
“Just hit a varsity cheerleader car wash on the way back to your franchise.”
“I can do the math; you want me to take a sponge bath.”
“I like a clean bed. Sue me.”
“Now I’m covered in cat hair. And you still don’t care.”
“Not particularly.”
“Let’s do some instant market research. I’ll pose a question on a major internet site.” Scrappy picked up a tablet and started typing. Who wants to watch a video where a puppy gets kicked repeatedly? “Wait for the replies.”
That’s horrible! Why would you do that?
Im gonna call the ASPCA on u!
Only if it’s Scrappy Doo.
Yeah, what he said! Scrappy sucks!
Add me to the list of people who’d watch a video of Scrappy getting kicked!
“Everyone’s outraged until someone suggests it should me. Then it’s okay. Encouraged, even.”
“Golly! And I thought I had an image problem after the whole fiasco at the School of Friendship…”
“Don’t worry, you do.” Nermal licked a paw. “But his is much, much worse.”
Scrappy closed the internet window. “Thanks, Nermal.”
“That’s what friends are for!”
For good times, and bad times, I’ll be on your side forevermore. That’s what friends are for.
Nermal groaned as once more his words were accompanied by an ‘80s song. If he didn’t put a stop to this soon it was going to become a running gag.
“Part of your problem is the company you keep. No offense, but Tirek’s a creep.”
“So what do I do?” Cozy held back the tears. She would be strong, even against these odds.
“There’s nothing much you can do. The court of popular opinion has already ruled against you and convicted you.”
“Abuse isn’t funny. Unless the victim is unpopular, and then it’s okay and played for laughs. No one likes you, so it’s okay to beat you.” Nermal sniffled. “So we’re different. We march to the beat of a different drummer instead of drinking the Kool-Aid and going along with the masses. It doesn’t give everyone the right to hate us because we’re different.”
“Or kill you.” Scrappy shuddered. “I was killed off in an official parody on another series. They even kept my corpse there as a sight gag in subsequent episodes.”
Nermal and Cozy Glow felt sick to their stomachs. Wheelie had no stomach to get queasy. Plus, considering his race had been embroiled in a civil war for millions of years, death really didn’t faze him anymore. Not to mention death was cheap in his franchise. He’d lost count of how many times Optimus Prime had been killed off and brought back.
“If you’re dead, how come you’re still alive? Or am I dead too?”
The others chuckled and Nermal answered her question. “We’re cartoon characters, Cozy. We can’t really die. We can fade away into obscurity, but not truly die. Think about it – have you ever been seriously hurt?”
“No.”
“Is that why you keep tormenting powerful enemies into smacking you around? A feeling of invincibility?”
“Maybe?” Cozy hesitantly answered Nermal’s question. “I’m not really sure why I do the things I do.”
“The whims of the writers.” Nermal shrugged. “And even they don’t always agree from one episode to the next. Lack of continuity for the win!”
“Who are these writers you keep talking about?”
“You’re a cartoon character. You live in a cartoon world populated by pastel horses. Your princesses move the sun and moon.” Scrappy pulled even more charts out. “The sun doesn’t really rise or set. The moon goes around the planet, and the planet, in turn, goes around the sun. This is how real life works. But you’re a cartoon horse in a cartoon world. Your princesses can move the astral bodies. The sun can smile if it wants to. A cartoon sun could greet you every morning with, ‘hey Cozy, what’s up?’ Because anything can happen in a cartoon. The only limits are the imaginations of the writers, and the restrictions of the franchise owner and the ‘E’ rating.”
“I don’t get it. I’m as real as the next pony. Or, uh, puppy, kitty, or giant robot as the case may be.”
“We’re cartoon characters too. What’s your absolute earliest memory?” It was hard coming to grips with being a cartoon character in a cartoon world. Scrappy would ease Cozy into it, and if that didn’t work, well, Nermal lacked subtlety.
“Um…” Cozy trailed off as she thought back. “Crying by a tree until the Cutie Mark Crusaders showed up.”
“Which was your introduction on Friendship Is Magic.” Scrappy started playing a video of Cozy’s intro scene in season 8. “So this is your earliest memory right here? No memories at all before that?” Cozy shook her head. “What are your parents like?”
“I… I don’t know. I don’t have parents.”
“So you’re an orphan?”
“I guess? It never came up.”
“You’re still a child. And yet you have no recollection of parents or an orphanage, or anything else aside from the School of Friendship. Think about this logically. Why is that?” Scrappy kept pressing Cozy Glow to ask the really hard questions and seek the truth from within.
Cozy looked at her hooves in frustration. “When you say it like that it doesn’t make sense.”
“Care to say it in a way that does make sense? Because I’d love to hear the justification for this one.”
“I can’t. So if what you’re saying is true, how come I’ve never been out of my cartoon until now?”
“Your series is still ongoing. You have commitments until new episodes stop flowing.”
“Wheelie’s right. To prove we’re cartoon characters, take your best shot at me. I’m tough, I can take it.” Cozy Glow turned her back on Scrappy and then bucked him with her back legs for all she was worth. Scrappy went flying, slamming into the front fender of a nearby Mustang II, then tumbling over the hood of the car, and finally landing on his head on the other side of it. “Okay, not gonna lie. For an adorable little pony, you pack a wallop.” Little cartoon birds flew circles around his head and he spit out some teeth as he stood up. He flashed a smile and all his teeth were magically present again. “But you know what? I get knocked down, but I get up again… It’s not the worst hit I’ve taken. That came from my Uncle Scooby. It wasn’t the worst physically, but it absolutely devastated me mentally.”
“That certainly caused your heart to pang, but weren’t you trying to kill him and the rest of the gang?”
“Details. It’s not like I wanted to be a villain. I’ve got no control over what the writers subject me to.”
“Is that my destiny too?”
“Perhaps. Perhaps not. It depends entirely on the whims of the writers, and the executives at the studio, the network, and the toy company pulling the strings. Fortunately for you, you’re an absolutely adorable pony in a franchise of adorable ponies. You couldn’t be more toyetic.” Nermal jumped onto Cozy Glow’s back and curled up into an adorable ball of fluff. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re super soft and comfortable?”
“Has anyone ever explained the concept of personal space to you?”
“I’m a cat. My space is my space and your space is my space. Especially if your space is warm and cozy. Cozy Glow is an appropriate name. I approve.”
Scrappy rolled his eyes as the world’s cutest kitty cat fell asleep on the filly’s back, head resting on one of the few curls that had survived the drenching. “There are a few things that might help you. First, you’re not the villain in focus this season, and your show’s big on redemption. Next up, you’ve got a bit of a mouth on you, girl. Season 9 opener? You had all the best lines. That’s bound to earn you a few brownie points with the fandom. They may be setting you up for a heel-face turn. Of course, you’re also in the company of some fan favorites. Chrysalis, for some reason, is quite popular with the bronies. Sombra has his fans. And Tirek? I’m not sure, but his popularity level is probably still higher than yours. Helped by abusing you, no doubt.”
“Redemption through friendship would be rosy, and Grogar’s expert has to be Cozy.”
“Exactly what Wheelie said. You may be the key to his plans.”
“Me? But I can’t change shapes like Chrysalis or steal magic like Tirek or utilize crystals like Sombra. I’m just an ordinary run-of-the-mill pegasus filly.” She sniffled. “I’m not special at all. I don’t even know why he brought me along.”
“Because you understand friendship. How else is he going to make a bunch of villains get along long enough to work together to bring his plans to fruition? You know, before he backstabs all of you in a pivotal moment when the rest of you realize how much your friendship with one another is truly worth.”
As they talked, Scrappy continued walking towards the steady stream of vans, SUVs, and minivans being fed into the junkyard’s compactor. The one thing they all had in common was they were all painted like the Mystery Machine. He had to shout over the grinding of metal as he continued. “And even if the worst happens and you die, keep this in mind: death is cheap in fiction.” He jumped through the missing cargo door of a Chevy Astro as it was loaded into the crusher. Seconds later it was a slab of pancaked metal, blood dripping from the flattened remains.
Cozy Glow started bawling. She was stopped by a paw tapping her on the withers. “It hurts, but you get used to it if you die enough times. Always aim for a quick death if you can. Quick, but painful is better than slow and ‘painless’ because newsflash, there’s no ‘painless’ way to die. Overdose? Lethal injection? You’re still going to feel it when your heart stops beating.”
“You’re alive!” Cozy wrapped her forelegs around Scrappy and pulled him into a tight embrace. “Don’t you ever do something like that ever again! How are you alive? I…I saw you die! That’s your blood right there, isn’t it?” She pointed to the crimson staining the remains of the Astro van.
“Yup. My body’s still in there.”
“How?”
“I got better.”
Cozy Glow looked back and forth from the very much dead Scrappy to the very much alive Scrappy. No longer able to form complete sentences she worked her jaw up and down a few times before finally being able to stammer out the important words. “New body? How?”
“Respawned. Like in a video game. You ever play video games?”
“No. But I’ve seen a few colts around Ponyville who enjoy playing them.”
“There’s a brief period of intense pain and then you reappear somewhere else nearby. Adding insult to injury, your old body will remain there to mock you unless disposed of. A car compactor generally does a good job of not leaving much in the way of remains. It’s my favorite form of death.”
Cozy kept hugging Scrappy as Nermal stirred on her back. “Did he kill himself again?” He stretched and hopped off Cozy Glow’s back.
“You do this frequently?” Cozy looked at Scrappy, horrified.
But it was Nermal who answered for him. “He does it a few times a day.” He smacked Scrappy in the head with a rolled-up newspaper. “Bad puppy. No more suicides.”
“Why do you kill yourself?”
Scrappy sighed. “Death equals redemption, or so I’m told. How… how many times do I have to die before I finally get redeemed?” The stoic façade cracked for good in Cozy’s embrace. “It’s not fair. I didn’t write the scripts. I didn’t make myself annoying. I… I saved the entire Scooby Doo franchise when it was on the brink of cancelation. And in return I get the scorn of most of the fandom. I…I get the blame for everything that was wrong with Hanna-Barbera in the 1980s.” He let the tears fall freely as Cozy hugged him tighter.
“Or the simpler answer: he’s pretty broken.” Nermal licked a paw and washed his face, adorably.
“C’mon you big lug, how about a group hug?” Wheelie carefully maneuvered his robotic form to a position he could embrace the other three without crushing them.
A wimpy giant robot, a jerk of a kitten, and an absolutely broken puppy. As friends went, they were still an upgrade over Tirek, Grogar, and Chrysalis. Even at his most massive, Tirek would find it hard to destroy Wheelie. Nermal was far better at verbal jabs than anypony, or anycreature for that matter, she’d ever met, and Scrappy seemed to have an amazing grasp on events outside her own control. She could use them.
Splash. Clang.
Once more Cozy was dripping wet. And this time she was wearing a rusty bucket on her head. “Come on!”
“No fantasizing about using us to take over Equestria.”
“I wasn’t…”
“You were.” Nermal glared at her.
And I don't need to see any more to know that I can read your mind. This time Wheelie tuned into the Alan Parsons Project.
“I was.” She sighed. “I can’t help it. It’s who I am.”
“We won’t help you. Even if we were willing, we really can’t.” Scrappy had pulled yet another diagram out of the scrapyard. “We can’t enter your franchise any more than you can enter any of ours unless there’s an official crossover someday.”
“There was supposed to be a crossover comic between Transformers and My Little Ponies. But it got canceled before you could meet my cronies. So here I’m stuck, you’re out of luck.”
“How did I get here?”
“When a mommy pony and a daddy pony really love each other…”
Scrappy tried to wrestle the hose away from Nermal to squirt the feline for that horrible joke, but failed. He gave up and offered an explanation instead. “Regardless of medium, there’s an unseen ‘fourth wall’ between a work of fiction and the audience. Picture, if you will, a stage. There’s a wall behind the scene on the stage, and walls on either side, but nothing separating the stage from the audience. That’s the fourth wall. Scrappy Heap’s exists just alongside the fourth wall, out of sight of both the work of fiction and the audience. As for how you got here, well, it’s complicated. You know how I said earlier you aren’t dead?” Cozy nodded. “You are, but you aren’t. Tirek hit you too hard. The script calls for you to bounce up as if nothing happened, but we intervened to awaken you here before you could, spawning a new body for you here. Your normal body is still on your side of the fourth wall. But when you leave here, you’ll wake up like normal. Your show will just fade to black, do a scene change, and then when they come back to you it’ll be as if nothing ever happened.”
“So did that happen to all of you?”
“More or less. We’re all victims of abuse. Sometimes it goes a bit too far. Garfield threw me harder than he thought one day. Before I could bounce back up I found myself here.”
“Decepticon attack. I got shot in the back.”
“And since cancelation looms for you, we should explain that once the final episode airs, it’s not the end. You’ll just be stuck maintaining the status quo for the rest of eternity… or until your franchise reboots, whichever occurs first.”
“And even if you’re not included in the reboot, you’re still part of the franchise. Look at Tirek – he’s old school G1 My Little Pony from way back in the beginning of the franchise’s media. He sat out later G1, including My Little Pony Tales, all of G2 and G3, and returned halfway through G4’s run. He didn’t stop existing during that time, even if he wasn’t present in those incarnations of the franchise.”
“Media?”
“Movies, books, television shows, magazines, comics, etc. Any work of fiction. Even fanfiction!”
“You mean the drivel Twilight Sparkle writes in her journal about Daring Do? The journal she didn’t publish and ruin everything with. It’s awful. You’d think somepony as well read as her would be a half-decent writer, but no, her fiction writing’s as dry as her lectures. I should’ve published it when I had the chance…”
“Don’t mock it – it’s something that will keep you around for a long time to come. A character only dies when there’s no one left to remember them. Gertie the Dinosaur is over a hundred years old, and while parts of her film have been lost to history, her story’s been preserved nonetheless, and even restored and recreated.”
“Maybe you can’t walk into your local Walmart and buy something with her face on it, but she’s not forgotten. It’s been a while since you could go to Walmart and buy something with my likeness on it too.”
“I’d totally buy something with your face on it.” Cozy Glow immediately blushed at letting that slip out. She looked at Nermal sheepishly. He really was cute. Adorable even. He was probably better at it than she was, but he’d had far more time to hone his craft.
“Somepony’s got a crush…”
“Oh, will you just hush.” Cozy facehoofed. “I just finished your rhyme.”
“Is that a crime?”
“Stop that! I’m starting to see why nopony likes you.” Nermal squirted her again. “What was that for?”
“We’re all free to be ourselves here. And we don’t make fun of each other.”
She spat out water. “You just really like spraying everyone with water.”
“That too. There’s a fine line between being antagonistic and being an outright antagonist. I antagonize Garfield, and pretty much everyone else. I remind them that I’m cute and adorable, and that they’re not. I’m perky, happy, and bubbly. I enjoy tormenting others and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But I’m not an antagonist; a villain to be defeated. Indeed, when the chips are down I’ve got Garfield’s back even if I’m not always sure he’s got mine. And that’s where the humor comes from the abuse. The audience wants to see me hoisted by my own petard. Because I torment Garfield, it’s okay for him to throw me out windows and mail me to the Middle East. Now, who else here is young, adorable, and likes to point out just how old her companion is?”
Seeing Cozy Glow roll her eyes, Scrappy picked up where Nermal left off. “I see you as the perfect example of an after school special gone wrong. The girl who ends up in a bad relationship with an abusive boyfriend. And each time she gets beaten she pops back up and stays with him because she loves him. Until the day she doesn’t.”
“Why not?” Cozy asked.
“Because she can’t.”
“Poor girl dies, but no tears in his eyes. Just a tool to use; another victim to abuse.”
“Don’t let that be you.” Nermal looked up at her with sad eyes. He did the puppy dog eyes better than the actual puppy in their presence.
“Wow. You must be special. You’ve got Nermal caring about someone other than himself. That’s never happened before.”
Nermal was about to retort but stopped. “Yeah, that’s legit. What can I say, cute knows its own kind.”
“So why tell me all this? Especially if everything’s out of my control and in the hooves of the ‘writers’ you mentioned?”
“There are things you can do. ‘Cozy Glow is best facemaker’ is already a meme. That’s been helping you win over some fans.”
“Unfortunately, most of those are either abuse shots or angry shots. Which defeats the purpose.” Scrappy clicked through some images on a popular pony website.
“The rest are absolutely adorable. Those are my favorites, naturally. You could still learn a lot from me, of course, but you’re pretty good.”
“You’re running out of time. Officially, you’ve got thirteen episodes left. In actuality, seven of those episodes have leaked early so you’ve got six episodes left. And who knows what else Hasbro may authorize to tide things over until a fifth generation of ponies can be produced.”
“But you’ll probably be in only two of them. You know they’re setting you up for the grand finale of the series. Some epic two-parter, no doubt. Because that’s your true target here. Technically you could become a fan favorite while still being a card-carrying villain.” Cozy Glow’s eyes lit up at that prospect. “Unfortunately for you, you don’t have a tragic backstory like Mr. Freeze or the staying power of Tirek or Grogar. They were badass enough in the ‘80s that they were brought back for your show. Your shtick is more along the lines of affable evil, but your temper betrays your affability, meaning you’re no Hank Scorpio either. So in your case? You’ve got to go good. At least you still have some time to plan things out. Make the audience adore you for real.”
“Good triumphs over evil! Celebration in Ponyville!”
“What’s my end game?”
“To be rescued from the Scrappy Heap.” Scrappy patted the fender of a Mustang II. “Much like I rescue these cars from certain destruction, your goal is to reintegrate into pony society in a way that doesn’t make the audience hate you. But that’s out of your control. All you can do is be a better pony now that you know the truth.”
“Put simply: redemption.”
“The world’s cutest kitty cat is right; if you redeem yourself your future will be bright. Though my next words you should heed; once rescued, your rights to come here you must cede.”
“Translated from rhyme, Wheelie says if and when you’re rescued from the Scrappy Heap you won’t be able to come back. Take this.” Nermal ripped the trotting pony off of the grill of nearest derelict Mustang II and gave it to Cozy Glow. “As a reminder that friends will always be there when you need them – even when they’re an entire world away. As long as you’re holding that, all you have to do is close your eyes, picture this place, and you’ll be able to return any time you like. Your body here will snap to life, as your body back in Equestria stops working. I highly advise you to be in bed when doing that. Otherwise everypony’s going to think you’re dead.”
Scrappy hung his head. “It’s the most we can do for you.”
“When you feel yourself start to crack, this emblem will lead you back.”
“There’s a revolving door of characters that pass through here. Don’t be surprised if we’re not here next time. Except Scrappy.”
The puppy sighed. “For all intents and purposes, I basically live here these days. There’s very little demand for me, and what little there is tends to be short, painful parodies that don’t take up a whole lot of my time. Usually commercial break bumpers for Cartoon Network reminding everyone that I exist, and that I’m to be mocked in perpetuity.”
“Oh, and in your case, avoid Elmyra at all costs.” Nermal shuddered. “She loves cute and cuddly. If she sees you and it’ll be like when she spotted me: she forgot all about the cutesy bunnies she tries to capture in her own franchise.”
“And if she does capture me?”
“She’ll love you, and hug you…”
“That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“…And squeeze you to pieces.”
“To be avoided, got it. What did she do to be lumped in with the rest of us?”
“Aside from being an annoying antagonist in her original franchise, she killed the spinoff of her show’s successor within a single season of being added to the cast. Fans of Pinky and the Brain will never forgive her.”
“But even she isn’t without hope. With the upcoming Hulu reboot of Animaniacs, it’s possible she may find redemption with the audience. Pinky and the Brain are confirmed to be in all episodes, and since they have the right to air classic Tiny Toon Adventures episodes, she might even show up in cameos like she did in the original Animaniacs series. Much like your eventual G5, it’ll be interesting to see what they do with her, if anything.”
“And we’ll always be here for you. Always. This is your safe place and you’re welcome to come back any time you want. One last thing you should know: if that emblem ever disappears, it returned here without you because you’ve been rescued from the Scrappy Heap. And if it ever reappears after that, well, welcome back.” Nermal leaned in and Cozy Glow closed her eyes. Their lips met and Nermal’s whiskers tickled the hairs on her muzzle. Cozy leaned into the kiss, but instead of falling into the embrace, she instead fell forward.
Cozy’s eyes flew open. Nermal, Scrappy, and Wheelie weren’t there. The junkyard filled with strange machines was gone and replaced with the more familiar, not to mention even more depressing, walls of Grogar’s lair.
“You’re alive. Should I be concerned that in addition to snoring, you also make kissy faces in your sleep?”
Cozy glared at Tirek. Returning to the waking world after such a bizarre dream was weird. Unlike most dreams, she could still remember most of what happened. She wanted to close her eyes and go back to sleep so she could finish that kiss. So he wasn’t her same species – she’d been to the School of Friendship. If she could be friends with griffins and dragons, why not date a cat? Professor Rarity had mentioned a cat named Dapper that they’d run into on their adventures outside Equestria. She’d even commented that he was quite the handsome specimen.
Oh well, it wasn’t to be. She couldn’t allow herself to be distracted by a fantasy when there was work to do. Grogar’s plans needed to be put into action. And her own counterplans with Tirek and Chrysalis also needed to be finalized. Cozy didn’t know what the villains would do to her if they failed, but it would likely be far worse than rotting in Tartarus for eternity. She was suddenly self-conscious of being the youngest and weakest member of the team. The most expendable. The pawn. Not much she could do about it though. Grogar had already turned King Sombra into an example, banishing him back to the darkness when he failed to conquer the Crystal Empire. And counting on protection from either Tirek or Chrysalis was like expecting the Tooth Breezie to show up to a high society dinner. And considering how easily Grogar had restrained all of them previously, there wasn’t much they could do to help her even if either was actually willing to do so.
She stood up and something clattered to the floor in front of her.
“What’s that?”
Cozy ignored Tirek as she picked up the chrome pony. It couldn’t be… “Nothing important. Just a… good luck charm. I know we’ve got this, but we’ve all been defeated before, so what harm is there in having a little luck on our side, right?”
“Whatever. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t die.”
“I’d be less likely to end up dead if you’d stop smacking me around.”
“Not a chance. It’s one of the few joys I have left in life.”
The centaur stomped out of the room and Cozy picked up the Mustang II emblem and clutched it to her barrel. “I never thought I’d have real friends. I won’t let you down.” She started pondering how to treat real friends and decided to just act like she always did, only without the evil overtones. It would be a start, anyway.
Author's Note
And a blog entry that should hopefully answer most questions:
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/866062/puppy-power
