Sugarless Gumption

by FanOfMostEverything

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Pinkie Pie (EqG), Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Sunset Shimmer, Main 7 (EqG), Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4466

Rainbow Dash makes another ill-advised wager, but this time it's Pinkie who has to put her munchies where her mouth is.

Being friends with Pinkie Pie requires a certain kind of patience. She offers plentiful rewards in exchange... but sometimes those rewards are themselves the problem. After a prolifically provisioned practice session, the two most calorie-conscious members of the Rainbooms decide they've had enough.

Sunset just wants to know how she got roped into the madness.

Published 2019-06-16 15:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-16 15:50:02 UTC

No Sugar, Entrees Only, Diner Destination

Summer vacation was a precious thing for the students of Canterlot High, especially as college loomed on the horizon. None of the Rainbooms wanted to admit it, but they knew their last hurrah as a music group was fast approaching. As such, they were making the most of the time they had left. That included striking a balance between quality and ponying up, though at least that had gotten easier since the trip to Camp Everfree.

As the last bars of "All Good" echoed through the Apples' garage, Rainbow Dash beamed and let loose a power chord that shook dust from the rafters. "Yes!" She leapt into the air, ears, hair, and wings shifting and keeping her suspended. "Aced everything without any magic!"

Applejack smirked up at her. "About that."

"Ha ha." Dash rolled her eyes as she landed, soon returning to normal. "But still, this means we can definitely do a whole bunch of performances over the summer without getting abducted or dissected or whatever Twilight was worried about."

Twilight crossed her arms. "Look, I know I'm not the only person on the planet who actually questions the nature of magic. Saying it's all video editing isn't going to work when we're performing live."

"And since we can definitely do all those performances this summer, it's time to celebrate!" Pinkie smiled wide enough for three people as she wheeled a tarp-covered cart into the garage. "And you all know what that meeeeans!"

The other girls rolled their eyes, some better-humored than others. As one, they said, "Pinkie's Tes—"

"Pinkie's Test Kitchen!" Pinkie grabbed the tarp, poised for the dramatic reveal. "So, for my third baking experiment this week, I made some—"

Dash's groan stopped the spiel dead. "Pinkie, enough already."

Nerveless fingers released the tarp. Pinkie's jaw dropped along with it. "Huh?"

Rarity moved to Dash's side and nodded. "I'm afraid I must agree with Rainbow, darling."

"But... but I..." Pinkie looked to the others.

Before anyone else could say anything, Rarity moved to Pinkie and put a hand on her shoulder. "Dear, I love you like a sister. And since you've met Sweetie Belle, you know that means that sometimes I just need you to stop for a moment. For the sake of my waistline, if nothing else."

Dash nodded and patted her stomach. "Yeah, I'm gonna have to double my usual workout to burn off what I already had this week. We're not all like you or Sunset, able to eat our weight in sugar every day and still pull off rockin' bods."

"I still have a pony metabolism," said Sunset. "I don't know what Pinkie's excuse is."

Pinkie sniffled and pouted at her with watery eyes. "Et tu, Occasum?"

Sunset held up her hands. "Hey, I'm all for your experiments."

"Yeah. Yeah! Everyone else likes my treats, don't you?" Pinkie turned her attention to the others.

Applejack shook her head, more focused on putting away her bass. "Oh, no. I ain't steppin' in this cowpat. Y'all can have yer little sugar drama without me."

Fluttershy nodded. No one else could tell who she agreed with, or if she was just listening to the woodlice in the walls again.

After a moment, Sunset nudged Twilight, who was writing so fast she nearly tore her notepad several times. "Uh, Twilight?"

"Gah!" Twilight flinched enough that she had to snare her thrown pencil in her telekinesis to reel it back. "Ahem, sorry. Planning out a potential experiment. Pinkie's good at baking." She gave Sunset a smile too eager to be called sane. "On a completely unrelated note, how would you describe the differences between pony and human metabolisms?"

Pinkie, Rainbow and Rarity turned back to one another, looks of varying frustration on their faces. "You know what?" said Dash. "I bet you can't even make anything that's not super-sugary!"

"Can so!"

"Wait, wha—" Dash shook her head. "I mean, oh yeah? Prove it! Or you'll accept it when we tell you stop forcing dessert on us!"

"I will! After our next concert, I'm gonna make us all the unsweetest meal you've all ever tasted! And it's still gonna be delicious!" Pinkie finally whipped back the tarp, revealing squares of stoplight-colored custard on pie crust. "And then you're gonna eat my experimental triple-citrus bars and like them!"

"Our next concert," said Rarity.

"That's what I said!"

"As in our performance at Applejack's great-aunt's home this Sunday?"

"That's what I said," Pinkie said, a bit less certain this time.

"Just making sure." Rarity twirled on one foot and walked back to the makeshift stage. "Looking forward to it."

Pinkie tried to glare holes in the back of Rarity's blouse. "Oh, you'll love what I'm going to make."

"I have no idea what I'm going to make!" Pinkie wailed, head in her hands.

Sunset did her best to not roll her eyes. Video chat made that kind of catharsis more trouble than it was worth. "Maybe you shouldn't have accepted the challenge, then?"

"But I like cooking for my friends! It makes them happy, which makes me happy, and happy Pinkie is best Pinkie! And if Rarity and Dashie are getting tired of sweet stuff, that just means I've got to up my game!" Pinkie nodded at her own assertion a moment before wilting. "I just don't know how else to play."

"Isn't that what cookbooks are for?"

Pinkie stuck out her tongue. "Ugh, cookbooks. They take all the fun out of learning a recipe! My Granny Pie taught me how to make my first sugar cookie recipe herself, and that's how I like it. It's why I post baking videos and not just recipes on some forum."

Sunset frowned. "So why come to me?" Even for Pinkie, this didn't make sense.

"Well, Mom won't help 'cause she says I'm the one who got myself into this by making a foolish and prideful wager."

"Which you did."

"Marble's a super-good not-desserts cook, but she's not gonna go against Mom. And Applejack says it wasn't right to put my mouth where my money wasn't. Or, you know, something country-y along those lines." Pinkie had sagged with each new person she mentioned, but now she straightened up and beamed anew. "But you have to cook for yourself, and you're not afraid to get your hooves dirty!"

"I was talking about scientific research when I said that. Plus I get a lot of takeout, frozen stuff, and instant ramen. And, you know, hands." Sunset waved her noodle-tipped monkey limbs for emphasis.

"Not with my plan."

Sunset filed that under "Pinkie being Pinkie." "Also, I'm pretty sure helping one friend win a bet against another goes against the whole 'friendship' thing."

Pinkie shook her head, smirking smugly. "Don't you worry your condiment-colored head, my little parolee. Auntie Pinkie has it aaaaall figured out."

"I'm several years older than you. So what's this idea, anyway?"

"This is a terrible idea."

"Terrible?" Pinkie said. "Or amazing?"

Sunset felt an eyelid start to twitch. "I'm sticking with terrible."

Pinkie waved that off. "Come on, who could be a better teacher than me?" She smacked the Wondercolt statue base for emphasis.

"We can't just go to Equestria whenever we want."

Pinkie blinked, tilting her head in thought. "We can't? I thought Princess Twilight built a fancy portal doohickey so we could." She stuck her hand into the statue for emphasis. "Hee! I can't feel my fingers."

"No, I mean—"

"Besides," Pinkie added as she played patty-cake with the dimensional interface, "it'd hardly be the first time someone at CHS went to Equestria for fun."

Sunset stiffened as her entire thought process locked up. "What."

Pinkie turned back to her with a concerned frown. "Wait, you didn't know? Trixie buys a cartload of probably legal fireworks from herself every week."

After a few moments spent quelling the rage, Sunset said, "That would explain where she got that poster we put in the yearbook. And maybe how wild magic keeps entering our world." She sighed. "Why did you even ask me for help? I thought you did so I could write to Princess Twilight, but that clearly wasn't it."

"I thought you'd like to spend time in Equestria when there isn't some big important world-endy magic thing going on," Pinkie said with an utterly guileless smile.

Sunset couldn't help but smile back. "Okay, fine. But we're definitely going to have to talk to Princess Twilight about keeping the thing shut most of the time. You know, like I assumed it was."

"Responsibility later. Cooking now!" cried Pinkie, who was suddenly behind Sunset. A hard shove sent the Equestrian stumbling home.

"Pinkieeeeee!"

It turned out that it was indeed possible to spend the entire trip through the portal shouting.

After Sunset collected herself in the quarternary library of Namepending Castle, she took a few steps back from the mirror. Once Pinkie's ears were clear, she said, "Okay, walking on four legs might... be..." Sunset sighed as Pinkie started pronking about the room like she'd been born with four legs. "You've been here before, haven't you?"

Pinkie gave a very human shrug, nearly tipping over before she got her forehooves back on the floor. "Oh, once or twice. Or quarce. Or whatever the word for 'ten times' is. Other-me and I both wanted to broaden our party horizons."

After a moment of consideration, Sunset said, "So which one of you threw a way too accurate Equestrian cuteceañera for the CMCs?"

"Pinkie Pie, silly!"

"Of course." Sunset shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and turned to the library doors. "Let's just go get this over with before I have to explain this to Princess Twilight."

"Hi Sunset, hi Pinkie." Sunset opened her eyes to see a smiling Princess Twilight. "Explain what to me?"

That twitch started up again. "Banish it to the moon, did you know about this?"

"About what?" Twilight looked back and forth between Sunset's scowl and Pinkie's increasingly nervous smile. "Wait, didn't you agree to the interdimensional cultural exchange? We discussed it in the journal and everything."

"I thought that was all hypothetical! Who told you I did?"

"Eh heh heh..." Both turned to Pinkie, who tugged at a nonexistent collar. "So, why don't we go see me? Sound good? Sounds good." She dashed for the door. "Bye Prin— Waa!" The cry came as Pinkie's hooves left the floor, her whole body wreathed in crimson magic. "Magic is cheat!"

Sunset dragged her back and spun her around, the better to glare into her eyes. "We are having a talk after all this is done, young lady."

"I'm really sorry about this, Sunset," Twilight said, her ears flat.

After a moment, Sunset let out a long breath and gave Twilight a tired smile. "Well, we did want to bring the worlds together. This is just pushing up the timetable a little." She thought about that. "Or a lot. We'll figure it out. Now, where's the local Pinkie?"

"Sugarcube Corner!" said the nonlocal Pinkie. "Put me down and I'll take you there."

Sunset raised an eyebrow. "How do you know she's there?"

"Pinkie Sense, of course!" Pinkie's forelock twitched, then twisted to point out of the castle.

"So I can just use you as a Pinkie sensor."

Pinkie took in Sunset's smirk and gulped. "I take it back. This was a terrible idea."

"I don't know. Now I'm leaning towards amazing." Sunset trotted out of the room. "See you soon, Twilight!"

Twilight walked after her. "I feel like I should object to this."

"Sorry, can't talk, delivering a comeuppance!"

Sunset got a few funny looks on the way to Sugarcube Corner, but nopony said anything. Maybe it was because she was new in town. Maybe that was just how small-town Equestria worked and she, a Canterlot filly, didn't know.

Maybe, just maybe, nopony wanted to mess with the unicorn who was toting around a grown earth mare like a divining rod.

Sunset frowned as the thought struck her and let Pinkie dip down to her side. "Sorry about this, Pinkie. I just really don't appreciate how you went behind my back on this. Or tail, I guess."

"Yeah, we could've handled this better. Does it help if I mention that I stopped the CMCs from selling tickets? They were trying to claim it as the Canterlot Magical Conduit."

"It does," Sunset said with a smile. "Thanks."

"Soooo... Are you going to let me go?" Pinkie would've gestured to the aura still keeping her immobilized, but there was an aura keeping her immobilized.

Sunset picked her back up. "When we get there. I could use the telekinesis practice."

"Hi Pinkie! Hi Sunset Shimmer!"

It said something, thought Sunset, that she didn't even flinch when an identical party pony burst out of a hay bale, smiling and waving.

"Uh..." The stallion who had been pulling the wagon containing that hay bale clearly hadn't had nearly as much Pinkie exposure, going by his slackjawed expression.

"No changelings," said his passenger as she disembarked, "just a magic non-pool mirror and funny balding apes."

"O... kay?" He shook his head and sped away from the crazy. Sunset wasn't sure if she envied or pitied him.

She turned her attention to the newcomer. "Hi, uh, local Pinkie. What are you doing out here?"

"Oh, I took my lunch break early when I Sensed not-local me." As if on cue, both pink forelocks quivered and pointed at one another. One Pinkie turned to the other. "So, our horrible web of lies fell apart already? I thought we had another week."

"Well, I kind of need help with a bet, and I have to do it by myself, so I figured I could ask my other self! And I was so busy figuring that out that I kind of forgot Sunset didn't already know about how people are using the portal."

"Happens to the best of me. So, what brings me here?"

"I need to prove that I can make a recipe that..." Human Pinkie shuddered. "Isn't sweet."

The local Pinkie sucked a breath through her teeth. "Wow, they must have really gotten to you."

"My pride as a provider of tasty treats is on the line!"

"I totally understand. It's just like when Limestone—"

"—told me I wasn't making rock dumplings right!"

"Exactly! Lucky for you it's market day." Pony Pinkie swept a hoof across the many booths visible in the middle distance. "We've practically got booths on top of booths full of top-notch ingredients!"

"Perfect!" Human Pinkie's smile held out for several seconds, but eventually she cleared her throat. "Uh, Sunset, could you put me down now?"

"Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred." Sunset, who'd been lifting her friend-shaped weight up and down the whole time, blinked and said, "Huh? Oh, sure, sorry."

Applejack's face went through a full emotional journey as they approached: Recognition, anticipation, confusion, and finally acceptance. "Howdy, Pinkie. And, uh, Pinkie."

"Hi, Applejack!" they chorused.

She looked back and forth between the two. "You ain't been messin' with old legends again, have ya?"

"One of them's with me." Sunset stepped forward and offered her hoof. "Sunset Shimmer. We met briefly in the Crystal Empire."

Applejack smirked as she completed the hoofbump. "That's one way o' puttin' it. Heard about you from Twilight. Glad to hear yer doin' good fer yerself in that other world." She considered the Pinkies flanking Sunset. "So, which one of 'em's the hummen?"

"Human. And..." Sunset frowned as she looked back and forth between the two. "Darn it, this is half the reason I was keeping a hold on one. Let's see... Cheese Sandwich is overrated."

The resulting "He is not!" came in ear-flattening stereo.

"Ugh. Look, could one of you wear a hat or something?"

One Pinkie flexed her mane—long association kept Sunset from thinking about that too hard—and produced a baseball cap that read "If Lost, Return to Sunset Shimmer." "How's this?"

"Works for me."

Applejack cleared her throat. "So, what brings you by? Don't want to rush you none, but much as I like t' shoot th' breeze, I got hungry customers comin'."

The hatted Pinkie thrust a hoof into the sky. "We need ingredients for a grand culinary adventure!"

"Wait, that's why we're here?" said the other.

"Um, yeah. Why else?"

"To say hi to pony Applejack." Local Pinkie (probably (hopefully)) gestured towards the mare in question.

That got a slow nod. "Well, that is a good reason, but it wasn't the only one I had in mind."

"But we need to make something not-sweet. Apples are full of sugary goodness, especially Apple apples!"

"Uh..." Applejack scratched under her hat, likely trying to decide if that was praise or not. "Y'know, there are plenty o' tarter varities."

"Yeah, but we're cooking with them!" said hatless Pinkie. "We'd have to save the apples for a garnish or something. Sorry, Applejack." With that, both Pinkies trotted off.

Applejack turned to the last remaining potential customer. "I'm guessin' hard cider ain't an option?"

Sunset shook her head. "We're not legally allowed to drink back home."

Applejack drew back like she'd been slapped. "Shoot, why even stay there?"

"It has its perks. Now if you'll excuse me, I probably shouldn't leave those two unsupervised for long."

The Pinkies had made their way to a different stand, where the clerk, without the unique life experience of a Bearer, was looking even more concerned by twice the Pinkie he was accustomed to.

Said Hatless to Hat, "All I'm saying is that if you want something filling and yummy without being sweet, this is where to start."

Said Hat to Hatless, "And all I'm saying is that no one's going to want any!"

"Come on, your friends might be picky, but this stuff goes with literally everything! Even itself!"

Sunset interjected before anypony called whatever passed for police in Ponyville. "Pinkie, humans can't digest hay."

Hatless Pinkie's jaw dropped. "They can't?"

"We can't," said her counterpart.

"Oh. I was wondering why nohuman ever seemed to use any. Why even stay there?"

Sunset couldn't help but smile. "It has its perks. Come on, let's find something that'll actually translate well."

They hadn't gone six steps before hatted Pinkie pointed at another booth. "Ooh, ooh, what about that?"

"Hmm..." Hatless Pinkie rubbed her chin.

"That is literally a booth selling nothing but molasses," said Sunset.

Both Pinkies went silent for about ten seconds. "Riiiiight."

After several similar misses, the hatted Pinkie said, "Uh, Pinkie?"

"Yes, Pinkie?"

"I'm kind of noticing a trend in your market."

"What's that?"

"Well, everything so far seems to be fruit, human-inedible, or really expensive."

Hatless Pinkie waved away that last point. "Come on, six bits for a cherry's not that bad."

"At home, they sell them by the—"

Hatless Pinkie shoved a hoof over her counterpart's mouth and forced a smile at Boxy Brown as they walked by his stall. "Six bits a cherry isn't. That. Bad."

Once they were clear, the muzzled Pinkie edged away from her counterpart, her hat having been lost in the brief scuffle. "Ooookay. Creepy cherry cartels aside, I need, you know, not-sweet stuff!"

"Ponies do have a very sugary diet," said Sunset. "Why do you think I'm always up for taste testing?"

"But you've got to have something that isn't sweet or made of hay, don't you?"

The sound of a cleared throat made them turn to a nearby stall. "Ladies," the vendor said from behind his wares, "I believe I may be of assistance."

All three took in the offered items. "Pinkie, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"

"I think so, Pinkie, but would she still be called Countess Coloratura if she were filmed in black and white?"

"Not that, the other thing."

"Oh. Oh! Yeah, that could definitely work!"

Sunset looked back and forth between the two. "This is a terrifying conversation to experience from the outside. Just saying."

The Pinkies shared a look that spoke volumes. "Sunset helps taste test?"

"Sunset helps taste test."

"Don't I get a say in this?" said the designated taste-tester.

They turned to her with matching devilish grins. "Free food."

"Made by earth ponies."

"... That argument shouldn't work as well as it does."

The concert might have been for an audience that had more cats than humans, but the cheers made it worth it regardless. That and a modest check, but Sunset still took the most fulfillment from bringing people happiness.

But now was a private matter for the band. As the various Apples began departing, the Rainbooms gathered in Goldie Delicious's yard at a fold-out picnic table. "Okay, Pinkie," said Dash, her eyes on a pot Pinkie had kept safe through Granny Smith's offensive driving, one big enough to contain a whole turkey. "Moment of truth. Do you have something sugarless, or are you gonna face the consequences?"

"Ha! Do I have something sugarless? Do I have something sugarless?"

"Um, do you have something sugarless?" said Fluttershy.

"I'm glad you asked." Pinkie's smile grew to one of the widest Sunset had ever seen as she charged the pot with her magic. "Ladies... Behold!" A pink burst sent the pot lid flying. "Chili!"

Steam wafted off of the bubbling, red-brown contents. Beans, vegetables, and meat glistened, redolent aromas of herbs and spices spreading from the pot. Everyone's eyes went wide. More than a few jaws dropped.

Pinkie's smile shifted to a smug smirk as she put a hand on her hip. She held out the other, letting the lid land in it. "I did add some unsweetened cocoa powder, but that's just for extra body." She grabbed a bowl off the stack next to the pot. "So, who wants some?"

"It's not too spicy, is it?" said Rarity, who took a napkin and delicately dabbed at what certainly wasn't drool. "I remember those Atzocan chocolate ginger snaps of yours."

Sunset shook her head. "I was her taste tester. Finding the right balance of heat and other flavors wasn't easy, but it was filling."

Twilight adjusted her glasses and put away the notepad she'd been using to parse her thoughts on explosion-based reheating. "Um, there's definitely meat in there. Is it one that's, you know, not an Equestrian sophont?"

"Of course it is!" said Pinkie. "I wouldn't make my bestest tester eat something she didn't want! That's why we got the recipe to work with carnitas after we got back."

"Got back from where, exactly?" said Applejack, one eyebrow cocked and ready to fire.

Sunset met her eyes and, unblinking, said, "From the farmers' market where we got some of the ingredients."

The two sat there for some time, enough for Pinkie to serve everyone. Applejack took a spoonful without breaking her gaze. Then she actually ate it. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her sockets as she looked at her bowl. "Jumpin' horny toads, this stuff's fantastic!"

Similar cries came from the other girls. Rainbow Dash spoke last, more focused on emptying her bowl as quickly as possible. Finally, as she scraped the sides, she said, "I've never been happy to lose a bet before."

"That much more hot yoga for me, I suppose," said Rarity, the grin on her face belying her mournful tone.

Pinkie beamed and put an arm around Sunset's shoulders. "And I couldn't have done it without Sunset!"

"Happy to... urgh." Sunset shuddered and wrapped her arms around her stomach.

"Sunset?" said Twilight.

"Everything okay, Sugarcube?"

Before Applejack could react, Sunset lunged at her with one hand, keeping the other over her stomach. Sunset's eyes flashed, and then she turned and ran for the house. "Sorry for reading your mind AJ need to use your great-aunt's bathroom!"

Fluttershy gulped, looking at her own bowl and looking ill. "Um, exactly how much taste testing did she do?"

"Well, we made eight little batches before we found the winner," said Pinkie, "and there was only so much room in pony-me's fridge. Well, I suppose it's actually the pony-Cakes' fridge."

"Y'all went to Equestria?" Applejack looked towards the house, split between pity for Sunset and annoyance at the half-truth.

"Sure! Who better to learn from than myself?"

"So you used Equestrian ingredients?" said Twilight.

"Well, this batch was mostly Earth stuff, but I did save a few Equestrian ghost peppers. The funny thing is that they actually look a little like ghosts over there!" Pinkie pulled one out of her hair. It was the size and shape of a jalapeno, only white, with black spots that suggested empty eyes and a wailing mouth. "See?"

At that moment, horrific wailing echoed out from Goldie Delicious's cabin. Shrieks like the rent souls of the damned melded with a voice that, while still alive, clearly didn't wish to be.

Everyone went as pale as the pepper. Twilight adjusted her glasses. "Ghost peppers, you said."

As if to confirm that, another round of ghastly shrieks sounded from the house.

"Oh dear," said Rarity, turning green.

"On Sunset's still Equestrian metabolism."

Pinkie gulped. "Uh oh. I'll, uh, I'll go check on her."

Even without reading Applejack's memories, finding the bathroom was easy. Pinkie just had to look for the door that had Granny Smith and Goldie Delicious in front of it "Land's sakes, Pinkie," said Granny, "what did you feed that girl?"

Goldie shook her head. "I haven't seen someone race for the outhouse like that since the two of us snuck into Old Man Bayou's pepper patch back in '47."

Granny glared at her. "We said we'd never speak o' that day."

"We said a lot o' things." A single moan, unearthly but less hair-raising than before, came through the door. Goldie turned away. "C'mon, now, Sugar Smith. Let's let the youngins sort out their problems."

Granny rolled her eyes but followed.

Pinkie just wrung her hands. "I'm so sorry, Sunset! I didn't know!"

"I know, Pinkie." The voice on the other side was ragged, but not angry. "Neither did I. But it's fine."

"Are you sure? Because—" Even Pinkie's sense of tact was enough to get her to cut off that thought before she finished it.

"It's a small price to pay for you girls. Even moments like this are just part of being with the Rainbooms, you know? These days, even with the occasional wild magic problem, I'm honestly glad that I brought Equestrian magic here. Whether we're performing or just spending time together, I get the best of both worlds. Especially when it involves a day trip back home."

"So... what you mean is..."

Sunset chuckled. "Yeah. A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush."

Author's Note

Did I neglect to mention that this was an entry in Super Trampoline's Fimfiction Feghoot Festival until now? Whoops. :trollestia: