Ludicrous Scene, Go!

by Kaipony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Princess Luna
Length: 1412

Make way for Dark Mare. All shall rise in the presence of Dark Mare.

It's a ponified version of one of my favorite scenes from the 1987 movie Spaceballs. There's not much else to say other than I had a good laugh imagining this in the pre-dawn hours.

Published 2019-06-22 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-22 02:40:01 UTC

What Have I Done?

Princess Luna, dressed in full battle regalia, peered down her muzzle and considered the proud, defiant stallion that stood before her royal personage. The two of them, a mere wingspan apart, was alone in the room. The floor, a polished steel plate, was cold beneath their hooves, but if they felt any discomfort, neither seemed to notice or care.

Grinning haughtily, Luna turned and marched, slowly parading herself around the stallion. She flicked her cosmic tail at him as she passed by, the tip of its perpetually undulating length wafting a hint of lavender and metal underneath his nostrils.

“Shining Armor,” she purred. “At last, I have you in my clutches.” Continuing her circle around Shining, she passed behind him and drew the tip of a single feather down the length of his spine. “To do with you as I please.”

“Release me!” Shining Armor demanded, flinching away from the alicorn’s caress.

“No,” she replied softly. “You are my prisoner now, but soon you will be my consort.” Luna completed her promenade and stopped within easy reach of Shining. She leaned in, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Together, you and I will rule all of Equestria. It will be just as I have planned for many years.”

“Not so fast, Luna!”

The Princess hissed sharply and leaped back as another alicorn landed across from her, blocking Shining Armor from her view. With wings flared and horn alight with a bright blue aura, there was no mistaking the pink coat and multi-colored mane.

“Cadance,” Luna growled. The dark mare shifted her weight towards her hind legs, lithe muscles prepared to react to whatever might happen next.

Shining Armor’s wife pawed at the steel floor and drew herself up to her full height. It was a respectable measurement, but it still failed to rival that of the Princess of the Night. “Yes, Luna, it is I. I’ve come to rescue my husband.” Cadance turned her head and blew a sugary air-kiss towards the stallion. “Hi, honey.”

Luna rolled her eyes dismissively as two more figures swooped in, alighting to either side of Cadance.

“And I’m here to help save my brother,” Twilight declared confidently, despite being the smallest of the assembled alicorns.

“And my Captain of the Guard,” Celestia added, keeping her wings unfurled and poised. Celestia slowly advanced upon Luna, the younger alicorn holding her ground and meeting her sister’s level gaze. “How could you do this? Have you again succumbed to the darkness that led you down the path of Nightmare Moon?”

Luna chuckled and shook her head. She noted that of the four princesses present, only she was properly adorned for battle.

“Tsk. I am not Nightmare Moon, dear sister. I am in full control of myself.” Luna grinned, baring her teeth, as the air around her grew darker and more substantial. The coolness of the metal grew into an unmistakable chill, and the ambient light in the room dimmed. “And I am far more powerful now than I was when we last fought.”

Cadance advanced a single step and lowered her head, aiming her horn menacingly at Luna. “That doesn’t matter. We’re here to stop whatever plans you’ve made.”

“Ha!” Luna took three measured steps backward, placing herself at a point equidistant from the other alicorns. “I’m afraid you’ve all made a grave mistake.”

“Well, there’s three of us and only one of you,” Twilight countered, a smug look upon her face as she moved to Celestia's side. “Simple math says that you’re outnumbered.”

Luna’s eyes narrowed, thin wisps of indigo magic leaking from around their rims. She still wore her toothy smile. “You should have brought the rest of your friends.” She reared back upon her hind legs, her silvery armor glittering with starlight from her mane. “Then it might have been a fair fight.”

With a thunderclap of speed, Luna shot forward past Celestia and Twilight. She slammed into Cadance. Blue arcs of magic crawled across the pink alicorn like lightning jumping from cloud to cloud. Cadance uttered a single cry as she tumbled over the floor, then lay still and unmoving when she came to a sliding halt.

“What have you done?!” Celestia exclaimed, her wings flaring in alarm to their full span.

“The same thing that I’m going to do to you, sister.” Luna’s magic lashed out like a whip and struck Celestia across the face, sending the older alicorn careening into Cadance. The pair lay together in a motionless pile. Luna turned to face Twilight. The smaller alicorn was frozen in place, her eyes wide with alarm. “And I haven’t forgotten about you.” Again, dark magic flared. Twilight shrieked.

Pale purple smoke curled off the three unmoving princesses as Luna stood over them. With a satisfied smile, she turned from the would-be usurpers and once more advanced upon Shining Armor, her eyes flashing with hungry intent.

“At last, my dear, we are alone.”

The stallion backpedaled until he bumped into a steel wall. “Stay away from me, you monster! You are a foul, treasonous creature of the night. I want nothing to do with you.” The stallion turned to look for a way out. He found none. When he dared look back, he paused. Luna had stopped, pursuing him no further. Shining Armor peered into her eyes for a long moment in silence. They were deep wells of starlight and silent, spinning galaxies. His muscles relaxed.

“And yet...” Gingerly, he took a step towards Luna. “I find you inexplicably attractive.”

The Princess took a step forward, closing the distance between them. “Of course you do.” Another step closer. “Ambitious stallions such as yourself are attracted to prominence and power.” They were within a leg’s distance from each other now. Luna reached out with one of her wings and caressed Shining’s cheek with a velvety pinion. “I have both.” She brought her face to within inches of his. Their breaths mingled. “And you know it.”

“No,” he responded weakly. “I will not succumb to your wiles. Leave me alone.” Shining Armor tried to tear himself away from the touch, but Luna pressed herself closer, enveloping them both in a cocoon of feathers until she was touching his snout with her own.

“Surrender to me,” she growled.

“Never!” Though his words spoke one truth, Shining Armor did not again flinch away from the contact.

“Hold me!” she demanded, and embraced him.

“No!” he insisted, trying to break away from the contact. But even as the words left his mouth, his body betrayed his speech and leaned back into Luna. The pair held themselves together in the heated embrace, trading a torrent of affecionate words until their feelings for one another were finally exposed.

When the pair parted minutes later, they settled to the metal floor together. As they lay their necks across each other’s, Shining Armor spoke. “Princess Luna.” His hoof reached out, and he caressed her back. “You are so very wise, and your scheme to conquer Equestria is flawless.” He pulled back to look her in the eyes. “It’s no wonder thousands have pledged themselves to your service.”

Luna beamed and was leaning in for a kiss when the door behind her suddenly slammed open. A member of the Royal Guard thrust his head into the room.

“Your Highness!”

Luna’s forelegs flailed outwards in a sweeping motion, gathering the five equine figurines that lay in front of her to her chest. She teetered on the stool upon which she sat, fighting to maintain her balance.

“WHAT?!” The Royal Canterlot Voice thundered in the sparse chamber, but the Guard appeared unfazed.

“You’re needed in the throne room, ma’am.”

“KNOCK ON THE DOOR!” she commanded. “KNOCK NEXT TIME!”

The Guard saluted. “Of course, Your Highness.”

Luna’s eyes darted from corner to corner of the chamber as though furiously searching for something. Then she glanced over her shoulder at the Guard.

“Did you see anything?” she demanded, eschewing her Royal Voice.

The Guard shook his head. “No, ma’am. I didn’t see you pretending to overthrow the kingdom with your dolls again.”

“Good!”

Then the door slammed shut, and Luna was once again alone with her figurines and fantasies.

Author's Note

Something I scribbled under the influence of too much caffeine and too little sleep while stuck inside a big, haze gray metal box for two weeks. I'm going to go get another cup of coffee and reconsider my life choices.