"Keep Calm and Flutter On"
Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Today I learned a great deal. For one thing, Twilight Sparkle will not give up if she thinks she can get a creature to read or write. Hence the letter. I learned other things, too, but first I need to tell you a little story.
A long time ago, in the magical kingdom of Equestria - well, no, we’re going even further back than that. I was born at a very young age. To someone, presumably, though that part seems to have mysteriously gone missing from the Royal Archives so I suppose we’ll never find out whom.
Oh, look at that. Autocorrect. You have a clever student, I hope you know.
At any rate, I was born, or summoned, or what have you, in what was going to become Equestria, and the place-magic took ahold of me not long after. I wanted to make friends.
(You did know there was a place-magic to your own realm, right? I mean, if you’d thought it was your own doing, or that it had been cultivated over the years by your little ponies - my, now that would just be embarrassing.)
Wanting friends in Equestria isn’t a matter of simply being lonely. It’s almost a compulsion. Your average pony isn’t aware of it, and why would they be? They grew up with it, and they aren’t nearly magically strong enough to figure it out. And besides, they fit. They interlock like puzzle pieces with it, and the more friends a pony needs, the more miserably insane they’ll be without them. (That Pinkie Pie proves the point beautifully - as a side note, if that filly isn’t descended from Sleipnir somehow, I’ll eat your tail.)
But they want friends, naturally, and I wanted friends, somewhat unnaturally but who’s counting. So I decided to shape the world to my will and see who came by to appreciate it.
And lo and behold, you did! Well, you and your sister. You both glared at me so beautifully, promised to wreak vengeance on my head, and stormed off. I was delighted. I had friends!
You may have realized that this only makes sense if one accepts a very interesting definition of “friends.” But, Celestia, I said it once and I know you can’t stand it: what fun is there in making sense? If you said, “None,” you would be correct. Unfortunately, what you actually just said was this strange sort of growling noise while clenching your teeth and wondering if this is going to lead to a headache, which I’m afraid isn’t even one of the choices on the test. Not even D) All of the above. Twilight would be so disappointed in you.
But then you and your sister came back with some magic rocks that you’d dubbed the Elements of Harmony, which I thought was hysterical, and of course they didn’t work.
“What?” I hear you cry. I have very good hearing, or I’m sitting right behind you.
Made you look.
“But the Elements did work,” you continue, still talking out loud for some reason. “They turned you to stone!”
Yes, but they weren’t supposed to.
Let me walk you through something you already know. At least, I assume you already know it, because entrusting the security of your entire nation to six powerful magical artifacts you found in a cave in the middle of nowhere, without even making the effort to understand how they work - well, that would be even more embarrassing.
But for some reason I just feel like explaining these things to myself. Indulge me. And stop blushing.
The Elements are, to put it bluntly and somewhat inaccurately, physical manifestations of Equestria’s place-magic. That compulsion to find friends. I supposed you never wondered why Twilight Sparkle, along with five other fillies who’d lived in the same town all their lives but had never been true friends, would suddenly form such a tightly-knit group, despite the ridiculous differences between them? No, you thought it was just your special student’s influence, or something. The Elements of Harmony are more like the Elements of Equestria. They foster friendship on that barely-not-compulsive level. The same with destiny, and finding one’s place in the world. All things ponies do with ease.
Back to me. I’m not on a horse, nor am I a horse, but I was already overrun with Equestria’s sunshine and rainbows. What were the Elements going to do? I had my place in the world, but not the physical capability for a cutie mark. I already wanted friends, and in my mind, I had them, in you and Luna. As far as destiny... as far as I can tell, I’ve never had one. So they couldn’t revert me back to those things, and they couldn’t simply not work because of all the conviction and, I don’t know, love for Faust and country you and your sister were pouring your little hearts into. So they returned to you what seemed like a good enough compromise: stone. Stasis. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t move or do magic. I could hear, I could see, and I could think.
And I could hate.
Ooh, yes, the H-word. I hated you. You betrayed me. Imagine being nearly about to sneeze for a millenium. Imagine having an itch on your nose for three centuries. Your precious sister got to sleep through her punishment. I was aware. If I wasn't insane before you imprisoned me, those first fifty years certainly did the job. I'd tell you more about it, but I'm afraid you need to be a level four friend to unlock my tragic backstory. I'll let you know when you've earned enough XP.
Does it bother you, that a little pegasus one-hundredth your age managed to do in an afternoon what you failed at for centuries? Does it bother you, knowing that even with all your power and wisdom, for all you play at the paragon of motherhood and acceptance, you had to rely on one of your little ponies in the end? Does it bother you, knowing that there was a solution, that I could be reformed, that all it took was a little kindness, and the pony who gave it to me wasn't you?
Does it bother you, knowing you have at most a century before you can no longer keep your leash on me alive, and I will be free to do whatever I wish? It bothers me occasionally. Then I remember that I'm insane and I don't need to care.
Anyway, your faithful student (gag) found out I'm more or less omniscient when I'm paying attention, and after choreographing her own one-mare slapstick routine, calmed down enough to hassle me into writing friendship reports about her and her friends' antics. She thinks that since they did her so much good (debatable), I should benefit from them as well. You know, for such a smart pony, she's neither very clever nor very good at manipulating the people around her. Tsk, tsk. Her education has clearly been lacking.
No, of course I didn't agree, what are you, a five-year-old wearing a trenchcoat and platform shoes? But then Twilight went and got Fluttershy, who guilted me into it, and here we are.
Hmm. Maybe she's better at manipulating people than I thought. We'll have to work on that.
Toodles!
Your Resigned Ssttt no sorry can't say that with a straight face. Give me partial credit, I tried.
Discord
Author's Note
Unfortunately, Discord was reformed after "A Friend in Deed," so I can't rip that one apart. I don't know whether I want to do each episode in order, or just do selected ones, or skip around, or what. Feel free to tell me which morals you're looking forward to seeing Discord drive into a wall in the comments.
Partly this is a challenge to myself, because I don't like Discord and I wanted to see if I could make him funny and interesting to read about instead of a pain in the ass. Sooo he's got a lil Deadpool in him now? I think he'd be fine with that.
Dear Princess Sunbutt,
Today I learned that nepotism really is magic!
Ugh, fine. You want to know what I think? I think you've been playing checkers so long you've forgotten how to make it look like chess. Even for you, that was blatant, and your little ponies might fall for it hook, line, and sinker, but I've been playing this game for longer than you've been alive. I know what a cop-out looks like, and I do not appreciate it. It's boring! At least send her off to some wild place where she has to save the world with rainbow lasers again. A pony should not get to ascend to immortality just for going through all five stages of grief and their corresponding heartsongs in three hours.
Mind you, I don't disagree with the results. I merely think you could have at least gone in for a bit of flair. Granting phenomenal cosmic power to a young adult who's only had friends for the last three years? This is going to be great! I'm already making popcorn. Say, how come all of them don't get to be alicorns? That'd be a riot.
Yes, yes, you didn't do it for me, but the thing is, you didn't do it against me, either. I am very much looking forward to how this plays out. Do you think she's realized she's going to outlive all her friends yet? Will you tell her, while she has stars in her eyes when she looks at you? Or will you wait, until they can't keep up with her, until the arthritis and rheumatism and cataracts set in, until she realizes she's still as pristine as the day she got her wings? And she won't hate you for it, I hope you know. You've groomed her too well. She adores you. Even if she puts together that it's you who did this to her, you who took her friends from her for eternity, she will never, ever blame you.
Only you and I will know she should.
How many weights do you have on your withers, Celestia? How heavy is that crown? Maybe it wasn't a reward. Maybe you were just tired, so tired, of losing the students and proteges you've poured your heart into. Maybe you just didn't want another tiny piece of your soul to die, so you bartered away Twilight Sparkle's. She'll forgive you for it. You will never serve penance for your sins.
Isn't that just the worst part?
Ciao,
Discord
Author's Note
Skipped "Just for Sidekicks" and "Games Ponies Play" because, frankly, I didn't want to rewatch them. Yes, this chapter is short, but MMC didn't really have a moral per se. Discord's just using it to mess with Celestia.
