Mummy Issues

by Lofty Withers

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Ahuizotl, Princess Celestia, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 3004

An ancient evil enters Celestia’s safe space, bringing madness, shenanigans, and tomfoolery.

An ancient evil enters Celestia’s safe space, bringing madness, shenanigans, and tomfoolery.

background vector from boneswolbach
Grogar vector from koolfrood
Celestia vector from sparkponies
Luna vector from gamemasterluna
chair vector from ponyhd
cake vector from chainchomp2

Published 2019-06-18 13:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-20 16:18:19 UTC

Septuagennial Support Meeting

Celestia sat beside Luna in the circle of chairs and smiled reassuringly at her. ”It’s just like I told you,” she whispered. “There are many other new or returning ponies here since our last meeting seventy years ago. You’re not the only one.” She waved across the room and smiled. ”See, there's Sombra. He's missed just as many meetings as you.”

“I don’t understand.” said Luna. “Our enemies have delivered themselves. Even now, they plot to overthrow us. Should we not capture them here? I would not see our subjects suffer needlessly.”

“No,” sighed Celestia. “It wouldn’t be fair to Twilight.” Celestia looked to her student across the room. “She’ll enjoy doing it later.” She took a bite of cake. “Besides,” she said, still chewing, “it’s important for everypony to have a safe space to talk about our problems without fear of retribution.”

Sombra smiled and nodded at the pair, pouring himself another cup of punch. “I couldn’t believe at first that you’ve all kept this up,” he told Chrysalis, who stood at the buffet with him.

“Some things never change. I mean, look at Celestia. Still eating all that cake and never gains a pound.” They both looked to the plate floating beside Celestia, holding four pieces of cake. ”She disgusts me.” Chrysalis sipped her coffee.

“Isn’t coffee a pesticide?” asked Sombra.

Chrysalis sprayed her mouthful of coffee onto Sombra. “Why didn’t someling tell me about this before?” she demanded.

Sombra wiped the coffee from his face with a hoof. A flick of his wrist flung several droplets to the ground. His horn flared as he changed into a mist and reformed a foot away, fur and clothes cleansed of coffee.

“They’re trying to poison me!” accused Chrysalis.

“Don’t be silly, Buggy,” said Pinkie, popping up beside her. “You’d need to drink tons of coffee to feel its effects. If they wanted to poison you with caffeine, they’d pair it with some other pesticide. Tomatoes?” Pinkie offered her plate, but Chrysalis waved it away and Pinkie took a seat.

“What is Pinkie Pie doing here?” asked Lord Tirek, joining the group.

“I find it is best not to ask such questions,” Chrysalis deadpanned. “Come, we are about to begin. Let’s sit before all the good spots are gone.”

The milling groups took their seats and Celestia addressed the crowd. ”Welcome everypony to the 28th septuagennial meeting of the immortal support group.”

Twilight leaned over to Pinkie and whispered. “Septuagennial means occurring every 70 years.”

“Well that’s a relief,” said Pinkie, pulling out a planner and pen. “I thought it was seventy times a year.” She opened the planner and began crossing out entries.

“Wait a minute,” said Twilight, taking another look at the mare beside her. “What are you even doing here?”

“Ahem,” said Celestia loudly.

Twilight looked away from Pinkie to see the whole group staring at her. “Eheh,” she laughed weakly. “Sorry.”

Celestia continued. ”In this forum, we can discuss our problems without judgment, shame, or guilt. As immortals, we face a lot of pressures that regular ponies don’t. Let’s start by introducing ourselves. ”

Ahuizotl leaned over to Grogar. “I still can’t get over how casually racist she is,” he whispered.

“Ahuizotl,” called Celestia.

“Huh? Me?”

“Perhaps you’d like to begin the introductions.”

“Well, I don’t know where to begin. You see, it—”

CRACK! The garden door flew open as lightning struck the gardens outside. The sound of thunder followed, peeling across the room. All heads turned in time to see the flash illuminate a pony standing in the door frame, wrapped head to hoof in old bandages.

The figure halted at the attention, looking slowly around the room. ”Am I in the right place?” he asked with a raspy voice. ”I was looking for the immortals support group.”

”You've found the right place,” said Celestia as the expression of curiosity on her face returned to a smile. “Why don’t you join us.” She gestured to an empty seat.

He nodded and began walking to the circle with a slow and dragging gait. The clock on the wall ticked away the seconds as they all watched him shuffle forwards.

“Shut the door!” ordered Tirek, rubbing his arms. “You’re letting in a breeze.”

“Sorry,” rasped the newcomer, turning slowly back towards the door.

“I’ll get it!” shouted Luna and Chrysalis in unison. The door slammed shut in the collective glow of their magics.

“Not only is she racist,” Ahuizotl said to Grogar, “but she’s ableist too.”

“That was the other one,” corrected Grogar.

“Whatever,” replied Ahuizotl. “All the ponies look the same to me.”

“Should you even be here?” Twilight asked Ahuizotl. “I thought Daring Do stopped you from becoming immortal.”

“Who put you in charge?” huffed Ahuizotl. “I don’t need to answer your questions.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the approaching pony. He’d finished turning back around and had taken another step forward. At this rate, she calculated, it would take him sixty-seven more seconds to reach his seat. She sighed and pulled out a book to read while she waited—Daring Do and the Immortal Flower. She could read at least three more pages in that time.

The others watched his approach in silence. Well, almost in silence. Pinky munched loudly on popcorn. Grogar glanced in disdain at her. Pinkie tilted the bag towards Grogar. He stared at it. Pinkie shook the bag gently. He shrugged and took a hoof-full.

Finally reaching the chair, the bandaged pony pulled it to the side. Everyone winced as it scraped along the floor. He sat, then scooted the chair forward with another round of scrapes and wincing.

“Are you good?” asked Cadence when he finally appeared settled.

“Good?” he asked raspily. “I am far from good. Good trembles at my approach.”

“More like winces,” said Ahuizotl.

“No, I meant like, are you done?” Cadence replied. “I want to get on with this. I’ve only got my babysitter until four.”

“Oh, yes,” he rasped. “Sorry. Proceed.”

“Before you arrived,” said Celestia, “Ahuizotl was about to tell us about himself and how he became immortal. Please, continue.”

”I don’t think—uh—” Ahuizotl glanced around the room, sweating. “I mean, this new guy! I’m more interested in him. You all know my story, at least if the sales figures I saw for Daring Do’s last book are accurate. Tell me—us—how you became immortal.” He leaned forward. ”Spare no detail.”

”I am Reshef,” replied the newcomer, ”King of the Neighgyptians.” His rasping voice was barely audible and the other immortals leaned closer to hear. ”I was born three thousand years ago. The kingdom I inherited from my father was small. Too small to contain me. In my twenty-third year, I conquered the neighboring kingdom. Others fell soon after. I spread terror throughout the region. To ensure ponies would know of my great deeds after my death, I had monuments built to celebrate my magnificence. Great pyramids reached to the heavens for my vanity. Countless thousands died to pay for that vanity. For my immortality, I paid through the nose!” He pulled a canopic jar from his saddlebags to illustrate.

“If you’re so great, King Reshef, then why have I never heard of you?” asked Sombra.

“My quest bankrupted Neighgypt,” said Reshef sadly, shaking his head. “Even my conquests couldn’t cover the costs. It made a lot of folks unhappy. After I died, they chiseled my name off the monuments. That wasn’t enough for them. They formed a secret cabal dedicated to hunting me down. It lasted for thousands of years, but their last scion finally died. That's why, for so long—” He coughed—a dry cough—and the others leaned in further to better hear his next words.

”I've been living under wraps.”

Author's Note

contest judges: Here ends the first of the two submissions. The next chapter is the next entry.

It's a brick party. It's going to get weird.

Twilight closed the book and set it aside. “I can’t finish this. It rubs me the wrong way—that a pony could be so callous.” She stood and walked to the edge of her balcony.

“At least they caught him,” said Spike.

Twilight’s wandering gaze caught Maud at the edge of town with a group of ponies unloading a large stone slab from a barge. “Over a decade after his scheme started! The author tried to warn regulators, but No One Would Listen!”

Spike flinched. “Twi?”

She turned and noticed her extended wings. “Sorry,” she mumbled, looking down as her ears folded back. “I’m going for a fly to clear my mind.”

She leapt from the balcony, spread her wings, and caught a thermal. Soaring around the castle, she lifted higher until the ponies looked like ants below. She straightened her flight and soared past the edge of ponyville. Closing her eyes, she let go her worries and duties, just enjoying the flight—the sun on her face; the wind whistling past her ears; the tension of stress being replaced with—

“Hey Twilight.”

She sighed. “Hi Dash.” She opened her eyes and looked over to her friend.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Just enjoying the bliss of solitude.”

“Awesome.”

They flew in silence. Below them, a construction crew was clearing a large section of undeveloped land. Whatever was going there would be big.

“Do you want to come to my brick party?” Dash blurted out.

Twilight blinked. “What?”

“My brick party. It’s Tuesday night. It would be cool if you came.”

Whatever it was, it would probably be a nice break from reading up on politics and current affairs. “Sure.”

“Thanks Twi. See you there—seven o’clock at Rarity’s. Bring a friend.” Dash banked away and disappeared into the clouds.

“Huh.” A frown crept onto her face, growing deeper as she flew on. She banked around and started descending rapidly towards Ponyville. The streets zoomed by below as she approached Sugarcube Corner. Tilting her wings, she shed speed and gained elevation in front of the bakery before landing gently. She strolled inside, setting off the bell above the door.

”Be right with you!” called Pinky from the back. The seats were already filling with diners for the lunch rush. Pinkie emerged with flour on her face and wearing an apron. ”Oh. Hiya Twilight. What can I do you for? The blueberry muffins are fresh out of the oven.”

”Actually, I just wanted to ask if you knew what was up with Rainbow's brick party.”

”Rainbow's having a party? Why wasn't I invited?” Her mane started to deflate as her smile reversed itself.

Twilight froze. She blinked. ”She said to bring a friend! Do you want to come with me, Pinky?” She tilted her head and smiled awkwardly.

Pinkie's mane floofed back up. ”Great! It's a date!”

“Sure,” said Twilight, turning to go. She spun back around before taking a step. “Wait, wh—”

Pinked leaned across the counter suddenly, planting her lips on Twilight’s for a kiss. She pulled back and smiled. “Pick me up at six-forty-five.” A buzzer sounded from the kitchen. ”I gotta finish this order for Dr Caballeron's construction crew. See you Tomorrow.” Pinkie pronked into the kitchen, leaving Twilight standing slack-jawed.

As she left, her wings banged against the doorframe. She folded them and stepped out, bumping into a stallion coming up the steps. “Sorry,” she said quietly, not looking back. A smile crept onto her face as she wandered the streets, staring into the distance.

“Twilight!” Minuette trotted alongside her. “Want to grab some lunch with me?”

Twilight turned and grabbed Minuette, looking into her eyes. “It’s a date!”

Minuette’s eyes widened as her heart beat faster and her ears perked up. “What?”

Twilight shook her head. “Wait, what?”

Minuette leaned in and kissed her cheek then pulled back, smiling, as Twilight dropped to a sitting position, staring at her. “Come on, it’s a date.” She pranced down the street, stopping to look back at Twilight a few yards on. “Coming?”

Twilight shook her head, blinking. “Wait!” she cried, trotting to catch up. “That’s not what I meant!”

◮ ◮ ◮ ◮ ◮

“No, I’m sorry,” said Minuette. “I should have noticed the Twilight stare and figured something was up.” She stuffed another hayfry into her mouth. She swallowed and reached a hoof across to touch Twilight. “Still, if it doesn’t work out, you know where to find me.”

Twilight shook her head and looked away, watching Ahuizotl stroll down the street in a tailored suit. “I just don’t know what to think. It seems rather sudden.”

“Lyra was telling me earlier that Pinkie’s sister just got married. Maybe that got her to thinking about starting a family of her own.”

“That’s”—Twilight cocked her head—“really insightful actually.”

Minuette rolled her eyes. “Don’t sound so surprised.”

“Sorry, I didn’t m—” Her head whipped around and she scanned the street. She turned back to Minuette. “Did you see a monkey dog thing wearing a suit walk by just a minute ago?”

“I—what?” Her face scrunched in confusion.

“I’ve gotta go!” Twilight teleported to the intersection and scanned the adjoining streets.

The waiter placed the check on the table as he walked by.

Minuette sighed and reached across the table to take Twilight’s abandoned milkshake.

◮ ◮ ◮ ◮ ◮

Rarity set the tray of sliced quince before the couple and sat down across from them, looking them over. “So how long has this been going on? It must be new or I would have noticed it before.”

Twilight answered as Pinkie’s head rubbed against her shoulder. “This is our first date, actually.” She stretched a wing around Pinkie, snugging her close.

Fluttershy came in through the front door. “Hi girls,” she said, approaching. Seeing Twilight and Pinkie, she stopped. Looking around at her friends, she moved slowly to take a seat. “Um.”

“Finally! We can get started.” Dash stood and passed out colorful catalogs with pictures of bricks: red bricks, blue bricks, big bricks, small bricks. One brick had a pharaoh’s face. One brick showed a carapace.

Fluttershy looked up from her catalog. “Is that quince?” She looked at the couple, then to Rarity. “Isn’t that served at—”

“Fluttershy!” said Rarity. “Look at page three! There’s a brick stamped with a butterfly pattern.”

She glanced down briefly, then turned her gaze back to Rarity. “Where did you even get quince around here? I don’t even know anyone who—”

“Bricks!" said Rainbow. "I invited you here for bricks, not to discuss fruit. Now, if you buy enough junk, my bonus is twenty percent bigger.”

“Darling, we talked about this. You don’t call the product junk in front—”

“Can I have my free brick now?”

Everypony turned to Black Flag.

“Sure, here you go.” Rainbow hoofed over a small brick.

“Awesome sauce.” She trotted to the door, turning back briefly before leaving. “See you from the end of a noose, bourgeoisie pigs!”

“Bye Flags!” called Rainbow as the door closed.

“Darling. Are you sure that was the best idea?”

“She’s not lame, Rarity. It’s not like she’s going to throw it at somepony.”

They winced at the sound of breaking glass. Black Flag’s muffled cry followed. “One, two, three, four; escalate the social war!”

“Hey, get back here!”

“Down with the mare!”

Dash looked around the room and shrugged. “Mistakes were made.”

Twilight held up the back of the catalog. “Hey, this looks like the mummy who crashed my support group.”

“Yes,” said Rarity. “Reshef. He runs the company.”

“Doesn’t that bother you? He’s an ancient abomination from beyond the grave!”

“Hey!” said Pinkie, pulling away from Twilight’s embrace. “Do you have something against ancient abominations?”

“Sorry Pinkie, I didn’t mean all ancient abominations. Just the ones exiled from their homelands for bankrupting their people.”

“Well,” said Rarity. “I invested a lot of money in the company and it’s already paying dividends.”

“Wait, so you know him?”

“Reshef? Not as such no. I invested through my regional rep: Ahuizotl. He’s in charge of Canterlot and Ponyville. All the way down to the Tenochtitlan Basin in fact.”

“Wait, what?” asked Rainbow.

“Do you have any financial statements from the company?”

“Why yes, darling. I have their prospectus right here. Thinking of investing yourself?”

“Something like that.”

“Guys, what’s this about Ahuizotl?”

Rarity retrieved some papers from a nearby folio and passed them to Twilight, who looked them over. “Mind if I keep these?”

“Why certainly.”

“Hello?! Rarity? Twilight?”

Ignoring Dash, Twilight continued. “Do you know how to get in touch with Reshef?”

“No, you’ll have to—”

“The pharaoh?” asked Pinkie. “Yeah! I know him. We go waaay back.”

Twilight tilted her head and stared at Pinkie. She blinked and shook her head. “You’re going to tell me about that. Later. Where can I find him?”

◮ ◮ ◮ ◮ ◮

Twilight sat across from the princesses in the private audience room. A spoon stirred the tea floating before her as the wait staff retreated. She sighed, looking away from the princesses.

Celestia shared a glance with her sister. Turning back to Twilight, she asked, “What happened after the party?”

“Pinkie led me to Reshef, and I confronted him. No way was I letting the regulators ignore him for a decade. He was mum at first. I unwrapped my case. The construction site, Ahuizotl, the brick parties, the financial records and dividends. He opened up like a tomb to Daring Do.” Twilight raised the tea, inhaling deeply.

“I do not understand,” said Luna, glancing between the others. “What did he confess to?” She cocked her head, brow furrowed, eyes wandering. “What case did you have?”

Twilight winced, grinning slightly. “Well. It may not have been as much of a case as it was a hunch and the threat of deportation.” She sipped her tea. “Long story short—”

Luna’s eyes widened with realization. "Nay! Do not say it.”

Celestia glared at her sister. ”Please, Twilight, finish.”

Twilight glanced between the sisters and sighed. Gazing into her tea, she stirred. ”Long story short—it was a pyramid scheme.”