Chapters Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, Rainbow Dash was in the bathroom reading the latest issue of a comic called Captain Equestria…
“Once upon a time, in the now-horrible land of Equestria,” narrated Rainbow Dash as she read the comic out loud, “there lived a wonderful regal pony named Smith. Smith wasn’t like the other normal ponies she ruled over. She actually took notice of the fact that the magic of the land was being sucked dry by the intolerant, morally repugnant politicians, certainly not like herself, that her subjects had foolishly elected to power. Smith pleaded with her subjects to wake up to reality, even going so far as to have her most trusted subordinates, Jack and Bob, spread the truth, including powerful messages about how they needed to live their lives in every one of their works. But it was too late...for the evil walls they had put up in their minds had transformed them into...money-grubbing griffons! Reluctantly, Smith had Jack and Bob write hit pieces on every one of these irredeemable monsters, banishing their harmful thoughts forever, and a good wall was put up to prevent them from ever stepping foot in Ponyville again. Since then, the land has been safe from intolerance. The evil walls in the minds of the citizens have been destroyed, as they now realize that they don’t need money to be happy, just the knowledge that there are figures in power who are actually looking out for their best interests…”
“BWA HA HA HA HA!” Rainbow Dash laughed maniacally at the terrible writing and blatant politicization as she tore the last page of the comic out and tossed the book aside. “Keep dreaming!”
After she finished wiping her ass with her newly found toilet paper, she mulled to herself in thought as she washed her hooves, not noticing a mysterious yellow glow coming from the comic that now laid on the floor...
“Man, those comics just keep getting worse and worse with every issue! No wonder Panel Peddler had to beg me to buy that shit...hmm?”
Rainbow noticed as she was wiping her hooves with a towel that there were now small, yellowish nails growing out of them.
“Woah…” Rainbow grimaced uncomfortably. “I knew I tore through that comic a little too easily, even if I only mean that in the traditional sense. I should talk to Twilight about this right away…”
Rainbow flew to Twilight’s castle, where immediately upon opening the front door, she was greeted to the sound of “All Star by Smash Mouth Only Every Word is Sung by Maud Pie” playing on Pinkie Pie’s laptop. Following the music up to the meeting room, she opened the door to find all of her friends sitting around the table of the map.
“Oh!” Pinkie exclaimed, quickly pausing the Youtube video and switching to another tab out of embarrassment. “Hi Rainbow! We were just having some fun while waiting for you to show up to our friendship meeting!”
“I didn’t even know there was a friendship meeting…” Rainbow replied with a scowl. “Why didn’t any of you tell me?”
“We...figured it wasn’t too important…” Twilight answered sheepishly, making Rainbow suspicious. “Like, really, I mean it! It’s not like the map called us, Pinkie just wanted to show us all an interesting video.”
“Not just an interesting video…” Pinkie retorted as she opened a tab with a video titled “Maud Pie Reacts to Teen Titans Go! to the Movies” on her laptop. “An interesting video about the most interesting pony in Equestria, my sister, Maud!”
The video began playing as a hologram displayed by the map, showing Maud watching a leaked DVD rip of the movie. Being shown only the key segments of the movie, she gave the screen an apathetic glare some of the time, and spent the rest of the time genuinely smiling and even chuckling. After the edited version of the movie was over, another Maud Pie held a microphone up to her.
“So what did you think of that version of the movie that we edited together after we pirated it?” she asked.
“It made me happy to save some money.” Maud answered.
“So...are you happy about the fact that it saved you money, or are you happy about the fact that it entertained you?” the Maud interviewing her asked.
“It’s content I can appreciate getting for free.” Maud replied.
“Yeah, I’m also glad I didn’t have to spend any money…” the Maud interviewing her said before he noticed that small, yellowish nails were growing out of the hoof he was holding the microphone in…
“Oh shit…” he swore, effectively getting the video demonetized. “FFFFFUUUUUU-”
With that, the video was taken down for violating the site’s terms of service.
“Wow, even the Fine Bros. aren’t invulnerable on Youtube these days.” Pinkie Pie remarked in surprise. “I wonder how all those porn videos are still up and monetized though…”
“Heh,” chuckled Rainbow as she browsed the internet with her smartphone, “unless you count Childish Gambino and awful liberal shill late-night TV hosts, no one’s untouchable on Youtube these days. Want immunity on the internet in this day and age? Sell yourself out to the leftist mainstream media like a cuck.”
*SCREECH*
To her shock, Rainbow realized that she had somehow made a scratch on her phone screen with only her right hoof. Looking at her hoof, she gave a fearful glare at the fingers that were growing in size and sharpness, making her hoof appear more like an eagle’s claw…
Rarity gasped before crying…
“Rainbow! Where did you learn to talk like that?!”
“Um…” Rainbow grunted in bemusement at Rarity’s apathy to her situation. “Doesn’t this concern you more?!”
She asked that as she held out her right hoof for her friends to see. However, the only one who gave a notable reaction of interest was Pinkie Pie.
“Ooooohhhhh…” Pinkie responded in enthusiastic awe. “It looks like your dream’s finally coming true, Dashie! You’re finally going to become a griffon!”
“Uh, since when has that been my dream?” a puzzled Dash questioned.
“Since Season 4, Episode 16!” Pinkie answered ebulliently.
“And what’s up with the rest of you?!” Rainbow exclaimed as she turned from Pinkie back to her other friends at the table. “You’re taking the fact that your lifelong friend is undergoing a sudden mutation awfully well...is this some sort of prank? Are you unreformed renegade Changelings?”
“Our apologies, Rainbow.” Twilight empathized. “The reason for us not flipping out over this is because this is exactly what we wanted to talk about with you. Did you see the Maud Pie clone growing nails just like yours in the video? We’ve been getting reports of an outbreak like that all over Ponyville, and we wanted to ask you if you knew anything about it.”
Rainbow began to scowl ever harder as she started catching onto what was going on.
“No, I don’t know anything about it.” she told Twilight sternly. “That’s why I came to talk to you…”
“Oh, stop taking it so personally Rainbow…” Rarity snidely interjected. “It wouldn’t be the first time you betrayed us…”
“Well this would be the first time you pretended to care!” Rainbow yelled angrily as she hit the table with her right hoof. “Only because it’s now convenient for your agenda to cut me out!”
Rainbow’s friends were taken aback not just by her exclamation, but also by her right hoof fully transforming into the hand of a griffon. When Rainbow looked down and noticed, she pulled the hand away and shuddered while trying to hide it.
“I...I have to step out for a minute…” she murmured fearfully, rushing out the door, slamming it behind her, and getting on the phone right away.
“Boss…” she said to the one on the other line. “I have some bad news. My friends don’t trust me anymore. I thought things would be cool after they started caring about the fact that I betrayed them, but I was wrong. Either they’re only pretending to care or they’re caring for the wrong reasons! And I’m becoming a griffon!”
“Didn’t you always want to become a griffon?” her boss asked, speaking with a nasally, youthful voice that sounded different from the one Rainbow knew. He also sounded like he was having a hard time sitting comfortably on a chair, but Rainbow chose to ignore it.
“Back when it was cool!” Rainbow answered. “Now that the SJWs have perverted the idea with their lame propaganda, it sucks!”
*PUFF*
Rainbow looked down at herself to see red feathers now growing on her chest.
“Well, sorry you had your feathers rustled then!” the boss joked to Rainbow’s bemusement.
“Look, do you know of any way I can win back their approval?” Rainbow asked. “Or do you know some kind of cure to my transformation? Or at the very least, do you have some kind of theory about what’s causing me to transform?”
“Call it a wild conspiracy if you wish, but I believe you’ve been betrayed by someone you thought was a close friend.” the boss replied. “I don’t know about any cures and I really don’t know about winning back anybody’s approval...in fact, I’d recommend distancing yourself from anyone engaging in suspicious behavior. Take it from me especially…”
“Boss...you don’t mean…” Rainbow suggested as something dawned on her.
“THERE HE IS!”
Rainbow heard this exclamation in the background precede the sound of a gun being cocked and fired…she then gave the phone a mortified look before hearing This Is America by Childish Gambino play. Hanging up, she put the phone back in her pocket and stared at the wall, wondering to herself in thought…
Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie
This Ship Belongs to the Red Griffon!
“So what now?”
“Hey, Dashie!” Pinkie exclaimed, suddenly opening the door and bouncing out of the meeting room with the rest of the group. “We were talking for a while, and we decided it’s for the best we just put all this behind us. Would you like to come with us to see a movie to help us forget about it all?”
“.....Sure.” Rainbow answered, trying to sound as neutral in tone as possible. “What movie are we going to see?”
“Teen Titans Go! to the Movies!” Pinkie replied. “Just like my sister!”
“Yes…” Rainbow said, continuing to sound emotionless. “Just like your sister…”
“Keep it together…” Rainbow thought. “Just be glad we’re not going to see some thinly veiled feminist propaganda...or that horribly inaccurate documentary about us last year, trying to make me out to be a pirate…”
A nervous look came across Twilight’s face as she slipped a phone into her chest and said…
“Let’s get going, I don’t want us to miss the show. Plus, when we get back, I got a lecture to prepare for the school…”
“Yup, our school that thankfully has no political biases.” Rainbow thought again, unable to stop her train of thinking even without speaking her mind. “Come to think of it though, I really have no way of knowing whether or not my friends are trying to implement social justice politics into their lessons…”
As the group passed by Rainbow, Rarity gave her a suspicious glare, telling her…
“You better watch yourself. I know where you lean…”
With that, Rainbow’s right wing suddenly stuck up.
“No…” a disheartened Rainbow told herself as she took notice of her wings becoming griffon wings. “I’m not who they think they are. That comic was full of it! I’m not a griffon, I’m a pony! I’m a pony who is…”
“Boring.”
Rainbow heard that voice come from her phone. Pulling it out, she looked at her reflection in it and saw Maud Pie’s face.
“You’re so fake.” Maud Pie told her as the tune of Upbeat Inspirational Song, one of the songs from the Teen Titans Go movie, began to play. “You’re no more real than who you criticize for being disingenuous, pretending that you’re happy with not expressing your true feelings…”
“My feelings…” Rainbow said to herself, not sure what to think. “What are my true feelings? Do I even know anymore?”
She then imagined being at the Changeling hive, approaching a group of Maud Pies that surrounded the bonfire they called the feelings forum.
“Come on, Rainbow Dash.” they told her in an eerie-sounding voice. “Join the feelings forum. You can stay here for years and years if you want. All you have to do is promise to never tell us how you really feel. The only cost is the eternal silence of your soul...oh, and giving us your soul itself would be nice too.”
“NNNNNOOOOO!” Rainbow screamed out loud in the movie theater, revealing that she and the rest of the gang had gone to the theater to see the Teen Titans Go movie while she was having her episode.
“NNNNNOOOOO!” Pinkie began screaming with her before someone from behind told them to “shush”. “The poor kitty got run over!”
“Do you want me to report you to the staff?” the stallion from behind threatened. “Do you want to have to leave?”
“No no!” Twilight exclaimed suddenly as she turned to the guy behind her, growing worried. “I’m sorry, I assure you, my friends are just anxious from personal trouble. All they need is some time to settle in-”
“I’VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!” Rainbow screamed as she got out of the seat and ran past Twilight through the theater row, only for her right wing to suddenly stick out and slap Twilight in the face, causing her to slip out of the seat and drop the phone that was in her chest on the floor. While the phone suffered no damage, the rest of Twilight’s friends and the stallion from behind gasped as they saw that the phone, lying face-up, was set to record video.
“Piracy…” the guy muttered in disbelief.
“Wait!” a frightened Twilight cried in desperation. “I promise, it’s for my lecture! Youtube took down all the rips and there’s no way the DVD would come out in time for my next class! I only meant to show it in my classroom for educational purposes, I swear!”
“Works for me!” Pinkie exclaimed innocently. “We all know that Teen Titans Go is very educational material. They taught me that there are people in this world who can’t count to 10!”
“Wow…” Rainbow thought to herself, noticing the guy wasn’t moved, scowling as he went to report them. “I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for Twilight, but with the way she and the others have been acting lately, I don’t feel bad for saying, “Better her than…”
“ME?!” Rainbow found herself exclaiming in disbelief in Princess Celestia’s throne room. “What did I do?!”
“Though Twilight may have been wrong for attempting to pirate a movie,” said the ruler on the throne who resembled Princess Celestia in a snooty voice, pretending to be unbiased, “at least she was only doing such a thing for the greater good of educating our youth. You, on the other hand, were engaging in disruptive behavior for no good reason. Had you not hit Twilight in the face, her deed would not have been exposed and this wouldn’t have turned into such a big deal.”
“But-but-but...THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Rainbow stammered before having an outburst. “It was still Twilight’s fault for pirating a movie in the first place!”
“Seems you have a personal feud with Twilight…” the ruler sneakily changed the subject. “Not surprising knowing your blacklist. Accomplice to the illegal mutation of innocent civilians into Maud Pies, destroying one of Panel Peddler’s comics, and my favorite, watching alt-right conspiracy theorist videos from Black Pigeon Speaks…”
“WHAT?!” Rainbow screamed and squawked, her mouth becoming a beak. “What does that have to do with anything?!”
“Ooh hoo, you really should’ve set your Youtube video history to private…” the ruler taunted. “Black Pigeon Speaks is nothing but a lying bird spouting dangerous wrongsay...but you would know, now that you’re transforming into a lion bird yourself, lmao.”
“That’s not FUNNY!” Rainbow yelled as her ass transformed into that of a lion’s. “What gives you the right to tap into my information like that and use it to slander me?!”
“The fact that I’m your sovereign ruler, that’s what.” the ruler gloated. “I make the rules on what you watch. I make the rules on what you can and can’t say. There are no rules for myself, on the other hand. I am your infallible god.”
“Is that…” Rainbow replied in horror. “Is that how little you truly see me as?! Are you the only one you look out for?!”
“Oh ho, of course not!” the ruler jeered sarcastically. “I think that you’ve been a really awesome tool of mine up until recently! It’s just that Jack and Bob have been doing so much more for me lately. Nothing personal, it’s not that I don’t care about how long we’ve been friends, it’s just that they’re much better suited for aiding me in my plan to control the masses…”
“Then you’re…” Rainbow realized.
“Yes…” the ruler answered. “I am not the Princess Celestia you know. I am also not that blithering fool from last time. I am Smith.”
As Smith said that, she used her magic to make two white stallions appear beside her. The one on the left wore a white mask with a blue smiley face and a cone hat on it that covered his whole head, and the one on the right had brown hair that was given a buzzcut. The one on the left’s cutie mark was of a dead cow’s head with a false smile painted on it, and the one on the right’s cutie mark was of a heart being stabbed with a pen.
“I’m Jack…” the one with the mask said. “I make what your ruler decides you eat…”
“I’m Bob…” the one with the buzzcut said. “I make what your ruler decides you watch…”
“And together, we’re…” Smith intervened before they introduced themselves together as… “Jack Bob Smith!”
Rainbow just stared at the trio in silence before she burst out laughing.
“BWA HA HA HA HA! And just for a second, I thought you might have been a threat! What kind of loser name is that?! It’s just three loser names jumbled together!”
“Silence!” Smith yelled. “You haven’t heard our alternative name yet!”
“Oh, what’s that?” Rainbow continued to mock them. “Bob Jack Smith? Ah ha ha ha ha!”
“No…” Smith answered. “It’s the initials of Bob Jack Smith...together as that, we’re...BJS!”
“OOOOOHHHHH, REAL SCARY.” Rainbow taunted. “I guess I should watch what I say more now, just to make sure you don’t blow ! HA HA HA HA HA!”
“THAT DOES IT!” Smith screamed. “First you dare to criticize me, then you dare to LAUGH! THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!”
“It was worth it.” Rainbow gloated, unphased. “Go on and prove your fear of me by cutting out my tongue. Punish me all you like, but you can’t punish my friends.”
“Oh, I absolutely can.” Smith boasted with an unsightly sneer on his face. “If Twilight and the others ever start sticking up for you, I’ll treat them every bit as badly, maybe even worse than you if I feel like it...and make myself look glorious while doing it. So don’t be surprised if you find yourself saying “Hi.” to them shortly. After all, you’re already going to find yourself greeting your so-called “boss”...”
The sound of the gunshot Rainbow heard on the phone earlier echoed through her mind as she realized what happened to her boss...
“YOU BASTARD!” Rainbow bellowed as she charged at Smith, only for her horn to glow with the same yellow glow that was on the comic she read before she zapped her. Rainbow fell on the floor unconscious, only to awaken later in a cell…
“Dash…” a familiar voice called out to her as she could see the claw of a blue griffon shaking her awake. “Dash, wake up! It’s me, your boss…”
“Wha...what…” Rainbow stuttered as she opened her eyes fully and saw… “Gallus?”
“Yeah, not the Gallus though…” the griffon replied as he bristled his neck. “I’m your boss.”
“I thought your voice sounded different on the phone, but geez…” Rainbow remarked as she got off the prison bed she had been laying on. “How did you get like that?”
“I was tricked.” the boss answered. “Panel Peddler sold me out, told Smith and his friends about my location. His comic is what made us into this...”
It was then that Rainbow looked at herself, seeing that both of her hooves were claws now. She then went over to the mirror above the sink in the jail cell and saw that she had finally completed her transformation into…
“A red griffon…”
Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie
They Played Us Like a DAMN FIDDLE!
Rainbow Dash slumped over the sink, tears welling in her eyes.
“How could they do this to us?”
“It’s the way of the world.” the boss replied. “Panel Peddler called me before you did, told me that it was nothing personal, that he just had to act in the best interest of his business. As for the jokers who put him up to it, that’s unfortunately just the way they see the world. They can only view anything, even including other people, as mere objects, mere walking pieces of propaganda that either agree or disagree with their dogma. To them, we’re just red and blue…”
“How do they live with themselves…” Rainbow said with frustration seething in her voice.
“HHHHHRRRRRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!”
She gave a furious cry as she punched the mirror and shattered it into pieces.
“HOW CAN THEY ACT LIKE TREATING PEOPLE LIKE THIS IS AN ACT OF JUSTICE?!” Rainbow bellowed.
“Hey, keep it down.” the guard from outside, a clone of Maud Pie, told them. “You’re scaring your friends. They’re going to be joining you in here for similar crimes of speaking wrongsay, so try and be quiet.”
Rainbow clenched her claws very tightly in rage as she saw the guard leading Twilight and the others into the cell with her and the boss before closing the cell door behind them and locking it. Looking at Twilight angrily, she asked…
“...What did you do?”
“Well…” Twilight replied nervously. “I sort of felt guilty about how you were the only one who got in trouble despite the incident at the theater being my fault...and I sort of really didn’t like the way Princess Celestia handled things...so I kind of put everything I had into an 18-page lecture for my class about how you weren’t treated fairly…”
“What?!” Rainbow exclaimed. “What the hell were you thinking?! Do you really believe that Smith and her pals give a shit about facts and logic?!”
“I realize my mistake now in thinking that somewhere deep down, the Princess Celestia I once admired was still alive…” Twilight answered remorsefully. “Even a 34-page lecture wouldn’t have opened her eyes...but hope is not yet lost. Smith may control the way Ponyville sees us, but not every part of Equestria. The Dragon Kingdom and Griffonstone for one, think what’s been going on lately is ridiculous and have threatened war...again.”
“But that’s only because Spike is friends with us and Dragonlord Ember,” replied an unenthusiastic Dash, “and griffons...that one should be obvious. Even if we could somehow get the truth out, what would be the point? I’ve lost everything...”
“No you haven’t…” the boss interjected. “If they had really stolen everything from you, they would’ve also stolen your mind. The only way that we can truly lose to them is by believing that their lies have defeated us. Why would we give up now when we have an overwhelming advantage over them? The fact that they’ve given their minds over to transient, ever-changing political beliefs that have no effect on them whatsoever while our minds are still free. Unlike them, we still have an imagination that knows no bounds. We have an imagination that is willing to accept what we hate and create something beautiful out of it...we have an imagination that can create a rainbow at the end of this storm…”
It was then that Rainbow was reminded of a scene from that documentary she hated, the scene where she created a rainbow across the pirate ship...and soon after, she started to laugh.
“You know…” Rainbow said, starting to feel happier. “I think I actually like the idea of being a money-grubbing griffon now...in fact, I think I like the idea of being a pirate now too...because at least unlike poorly written propaganda, money is actually valuable...and a pirate can still put together a great crew of friends!”
“You…” Rarity replied guiltily, rubbing her hoof against her foreleg. “You still consider us friends? Even after we sincerely contemplated cutting you out?”
“I know now that you were just afraid.” Rainbow told them in consolation. “If you truly didn’t care about me at all, you would’ve never felt guilty or stood up for me at all. Besides, we need to work together if we’re ever going to get out of this cell!”
“I don’t know...” Pinkie said despondently. “I’m all for teamwork, but to get out of here, we’re going to need a real asspull!”
“Leave it to me…” the boss intervened with a cocky smirk on his face, reaching into his trunk. “Before I got captured, I shoved the perfect thing up my rectum for this situation…”
“On second thought…” Pinkie reconsidered. “I think we’ll do fine with a real case of Chekhov’s…”
From his ass, the boss pulled out a handgun, bewildering the others.
“Gun.” Pinkie finished, flabbergasted.
“Hey guard…” the boss said ominously to the Maud Pie standing watch, keeping the pistol behind his back. “I have something for you…”
Soon, a gunshot was heard, and the Mane 6, especially Pinkie, stared at the scene in shock.
“How can this be…” Pinkie remarked in disbelief as the scene showed Maud Pie in the cell with them...testing out the pistol on the wall. “How did I never know that my sister had a thing for guns?!”
“Alright, it’s a deal.” the Maud clone told them, handing the boss the keys to the cell. “I get the gun, you get to leave. I’d suggest using your right to make phone calls before you go though. Seeing as there’s like, eight of you, that’s a lot of free service to be passing up.”
“We should call our loved ones and tell them we’re okay!” Fluttershy suggested.
“Absolutely...our loved ones including Spike and his dragon friends…” Twilight winked to Rainbow Dash.
“I’m calling an old friend to let him know he’s being screwed over…” the boss gave a nudge to Rainbow. “I’ll let him know that his so-called pals don’t care about his financial situation, unlike us…”
Rainbow put her claws together, a devious scheme forming in her head…
View Online
Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie
What Do You Fight For?! I Don't Know, Love and Friendship?!
Meanwhile, Smith and her friends were already concocting their own evil scheme in the middle of Ponyville town square. They had started a parade, riding on a float shaped like a gold cow, decorated with TVs and being carried by Maud Pie clones. Riding with Smith and her friends in the back were Panel Peddler and an actual cow named Bovine Waters, watching as Smith and her friends threw comics at the ponies in the crowd the float passed by. While the cow mooed in delight as this sight, Panel did not look pleased.
“Yup, I just love the sight of my merchandise having to be given away for free…” Panel remarked bemusedly, his lack of enthusiasm not just coming from being a clone of Maud.
“Me too!” Bovine Waters, oblivious to his sarcasm, exclaimed happily. “Smith truly is a wonderful, generous god sent here by God!”
“Ha ha ha ha…” Smith chuckled evilly to herself as she eyed a mysterious funnel on the gold cow’s head. “Stop the float...I think it’s time for the main event…”
After ordering the Maud Pie clones to stop walking, Smith was about to use her magic to turn on the TVs before…
*STOMP*
“Hold it right there!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, riding on an elephant that gave a loud, resounding trumpet noise. “Whatever you’re about to do, stop right now! The party’s over!”
“Absolutely wrong.” Smith replied. “It’s just about to begin!”
“What are you going to do?” Rainbow mocked, following behind Pinkie with the boss by her side. “Play BS news from CNN on those TVs?”
“Better…” Smith retorted. “I’m going to play news from the best source of all...MSNBSCNN!”
Smith zapped the TVs with her yellow magic, turning them on to show Jack as a news reporter on MSNBSCNN.
“Good evening, I’m your host, Jumbo Jack.” Jack introduced himself as the tagline “ALT-RIGHT CONSPIRACY THEORISTS FACE #METOO BACKLASH” appeared below him. “And tonight, we are here to slander former friendship official, Twilight Sparkle, who was recently caught promoting neo-Nazi ideologies with her friends through the destruction of liberal Panel Peddler’s property, two years ago by means of an elephant, the symbol of the Republican party. Bob, a witness to this act of blatant racism and bigotry, is here with us to share his thoughts.”
The scene then cut to Bob, who was pretending to be outraged.
“I just can not believe this, I just CAN NOT BELIEVE someone Smith trusted so dear to her heart would do something like this!” he yelled in a fit of badly acted rage. “I wish I had known about this when it happened two years ago, because I sure as hell would’ve confronted her when it was convenient for me back then too!”
“Yes,” interjected Jack, “they say an elephant never forgets, but in this case, we had to dig up what even the elephant had a hard time remembering so that justice could be served. What say you, Panel Peddler, as the victim in this situation?”
“It caused me pain.” Panel answered apathetically. “But I’ve been doing my best to recover-”
“Thanks Panel,” replied Jack, cutting him off as soon as he heard him saying something that would make him look like he wasn’t a victim, “we will now hear from someone who is actually stupid enough to dissent to our thoughts on this situation, here’s Papa John.”
“I honestly feel that you’re overreacting and jumping to conclusions by calling this racist,” said a pizza delivery pony with a black mane and orange coat, “not to mention an elephant doesn’t necessarily relate to the Republican party, whatever that is-”
“SIR, SIR!” Jack cried, cutting him off. “Whatever that is is not relevant to this discussion! We’re going to have to cut this short! Anyways, before we cut to commercial break, we have just received word that Papa John is actually a racist for his neutral defense of racism! A tragedy, I know. I can’t even enjoy pizza anymore, it’s ruined! This is why the only food you can trust is Jumbo Jack’s chicken wraps, only at Jack-in-the-Box!”
This news report was met with a reaction of dead silence from the crowd.
“How are we supposed to react to that?” one pony eventually asked.
“I don’t know,” answered another pony, “ponder how much of it is valid over fast food?”
“Evidently, normal manipulation isn’t enough…” Smith commented.
“We’re going to have to bust out the big guns…” Bob replied. “At this rate, how are we going to get them to listen to my movie reviews?”
“YADDA YADDA YADDA!” Bob was shown screaming while typing vitriol on a computer about a film he didn’t like. “This movie didn’t agree with my ideals and made fun of stuff I liked! One of the worst things I’ve ever seen, made by a psycho!”
“How are these plebeians going to function in a world without me to tear their garbage apart?” Bob bemoaned. “They need someone like me to expose the fact that their entertainment is as low-quality as their lives!”
“Moreso, they need someone like me to expose the fact that only our side of the story matters…” Smith remarked as her horn glowed again with a yellow aura. “They need some more of the highest quality of...yellow journalism!”
Smith then used her magic to make newspapers rain all over the crowd. Ponies gasped when they picked them up and read headlines such as, “Rainbow Dash Accused of Sexual Abuse”, “Rainbow Dash Accused of Sexual Misconduct with Gallus, a Minor”, and “Rainbow Dash Slanders Gays by Turning Red”.
“WHAT THE HELL?!” Rainbow screamed. “I never did any of that stuff, you’re just straight-up manipulating facts to get others to assume the worst!”
“While it’s good to get your side of the story,” replied a dopey-sounding pony, infuriating Smith with how anyone was listening to someone besides her, “when are we going to get our fast food?”
“You want fast food?!” Smith yelled angrily. “I’ll give you fast food!”
She turned to Bovine Waters and started using her magic to lift her towards the funnel, scaring Bovine as she heard the sound of blades running…
“Wha-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” she screamed. “I thought you were my friend! My savior!”
“Don’t worry, a friend I no longer need is still a friend indeed…” Smith pretended to console her. “So hush and do what a real friend would do...sacrifice their self for their friend...and their savior…”
“NO!” Bovine cried as Smith began putting her in the grinder. “LISTEN TO ME, EVERYONE! ANY RESTAURANT THAT SELLS MY MEAT, IF YOU SEE ANYONE IN THERE, PULL THEM OUT OF THERE AND TELL THEM THEY’RE NOT WELCOME!”
“Idiot.” Smith insulted her before the sound of Bovine being sliced up by the grinder was heard. “I’m not giving your meat to a restaurant...I’m giving it straight to the masses!”
The gold cow’s mouth then opened to reveal a tube that spurted out a slurry of burgers onto the crowd.
“EEEEEWWWWW!” the crowd went in disgust. “Is this shit even cooked?!”
“THAT DOES IT!” Smith hollered furiously. “I AM SICK OF TRYING TO APPEASE YOU UNGRATEFUL MANBABIES! JUST TEAR UP THOSE COMICS AND TURN INTO GRIFFONS FOR ALL I CARE! AT LEAST THEN I’LL BE ABLE TO PUT YOU BEHIND A WALL!”
“That does it for me too…” Panel growled as he told himself that in thought. “It’s high time I-”
“Not so fast!” Rainbow exclaimed. “We didn’t come this far to let the problem work itself out that easily! Now Pinkie!”
“Hee-yah!” Pinkie cried, giving the elephant a buck.
In response, the elephant trumpeted before spurting a wave of water all over the townsponies, effectively washing them off. Smith and her friends were astonished.
“Did our enemies just bring in our blue wave for us?” they thought.
“Listen up, everypony!” Twilight exclaimed. “I know all of you don’t really care about what’s going on here, and trust me, I COMPLETELY understand. But Smith is serious when she says that you have to be either with her or against her-”
“LIE!” Smith yelled. “I DID NOT SAY THAT, I ONLY MEANT THAT! YOU’RE TWISTING MY WORDS OUT OF CONTEXT!”
After a pause, a bemused Twilight continued by saying…
“I know that it’s hard, but you need to be willing to acknowledge how you truly feel about this and make a stand for what you believe in. If all you think about is what other people say and what other people think of you, then you’re not being honest with yourself.”
“It’s all fun and good to be a pussy sometimes.” the boss interjected. “But there’s also a time and place to be a dick. It’s fun to get fucked as a pussy on occasion and get an easy ride, but it takes a dick to fuck an asshole once you’re finally done with that asshole’s shit!”
The crowd then began to chatter amongst themselves in fascination before one of them asked…
“So...what is it exactly that you guys believe in? What do you fight for?”
“The one thing in this world that truly matters...” Rainbow replied endearingly as her friends gathered around her. “...money!”
After abruptly exclaiming that, Rainbow flew up high to a pirate ship in the sky, being captained by Celaeno and her pirate crew, which had grown rapidly since the griffon outbreak. And with more pirates came more booty...
“Time to make it rain, Rainbow!” Celaeno encouraged Dash.
“Aw yeah, this ship belongs to the Red Griffon!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed before she grabbed some of Celaeno’s ever-growing supply of treasure and started making rainbooms in the sky that spread gold coins and jewelry out to everyone in the crowd. The crowd cheered gleefully at being showered in treasure, admiring their newfound fortune in awe...and then turned to Smith and her friends with angry looks on their faces.
“You never gave us money, Smith…” they told her bitterly, feeling unloved.
“The “virtuous” ideologies you pushed on us never made our lives better…” another one said angrily. “You just wanted a way to control us…”
“HA!” Smith gloated, even with the tide changing against her. “ABSOLUTE LIE! I’ve made you plenty of money and care plenty about your finances! I even just gave you a bunch of comics for free! I’d love to see your in-depth examples of how I controlled you, you alt-right conspiracy theorists!”
“I’ve got one…” Panel Peddler said, finally standing up. “The sales of my comics have plummeted ever since I’ve allied myself with Smith...wanna know why we had to give those comics away for free?! Because they’re worthless! They’re laced with magic that turns anyone who rightfully rips them up into a griffon, which Smith already admitted to! The whole reason for this parade and giving those comics away is to weed out ponies who disagree with her views!”
“PANEL, YOU TRAITOR!” Smith screamed. “YOU INSANE FASCIST!”
“It’s just business…” Panel replied bluntly. “You just can’t keep taking from others and giving them nothing of substance in return. It’s fun to live in a fantasy for a while, but eventually, we must face the reality that we all have actual lives to live and money to make. Your propaganda is just a distraction. It’s because we are sane and live in the real world that we recognize your propaganda as a waste of time!”
“NO, IT’S YOU WHO’S INSANE!” Smith and her friends started yelling. “IT’S EVERYONE ELSE WHO’S INSANE! EVERYONE ELSE IS TO BLAME! DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING IS A WASTE OF TIME?! THE ONLY BELIEF THAT WORKS IN THIS WORLD IS NIHILISM! THE ONLY JOY IN LIFE IS MAKING THOSE YOU DON’T LIKE SUFFER, EPICALLY ROASTING THEM BEFORE YOU DRINK THEIR TEARS AND FEAST ON THEIR MISERY! THAT IS JUSTICE! THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO LIVE IN A PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY!”
“Isn’t that, like, the complete opposite of a progressive society?” Applejack interjected. “That “you don’t like ‘em, destroy ‘em” mentality was the “justice” of medieval barbarians!”
“And if everything is just a waste of time, where’s the motivation to progress?” Fluttershy chimed in.
“You losers could never understand…” Smith and her friends said ominously as they reached their forelegs down to their groins. “...because you still have something left to lose, unlike US!”
With that, Smith and her friends tore off their groin coverage to reveal that underneath it was...nothing. The crowd gasped.
Maud Pie Reacts to the Teen Titans Go! Movie
And That's How Equestria Was Made!
“You...you guys don’t have dicks...OR PUSSIES?!”
“I knew it…” the boss gave a taciturn remark, remembering what he said earlier. “You’re not dicks or pussies...YOU’RE JUST ASSHOLES!”
“And we very much enjoy SHITTING ALL OVER YOU!” they proudly proclaimed as Smith used her magic to activate the TVs again, switching them from playing the news to them showing Smith and her friends in the nude. “Also, unlike us, you don’t have the privilege of getting naked on live TV! We can even make money by uploading our porn to Youtube without it getting demonetized! That is the power we will always have over you! We can still get rich even without a moneymaker to shake! MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
“WHY?!” Twilight yelled. “WHY ARE YOU SO EVIL?! WHAT MADE YOU THIS WAY?!”
“Oh, that’s simple.” Smith answered. “I just got tired of being such an average, plain guy. I came here to take over Celestia’s throne and identity because I was bored. Plus, I have depression.”
“I wanted to impress this girl I liked.” Bob chimed in. “Also, I have depression.”
“I wanted people to eat more chicken.” Jack explained. “Oh yeah, and I have clinical depression.”
“Wow, those aren’t very good excuses…” Twilight responded in awe. “But at the same time, that’s HORRIBLE…”
Sad music began to play as a 1-800 number appeared, accompanied by a voice narrating…
“If you or a loved one is diagnosed with depression, you should call-”
“Wait just a goshdarn second!” Applejack interrupted. “If you had depression, why didn’t you just call a doctor or seek medical help?”
“Better yet,” interjected Fluttershy, “you could have just found a positive, constructive way to combat your mental health issues.”
Silence filled the air after AJ and Fluttershy pointed that out, before Smith and her friends cried…
“YOU CAN’T TELL US WHAT TO DO! WE’RE OUTTA HERE, SUCKERS!”
Smith and her friends teleported away as Twilight growled, wanting to go after them with her own teleportation magic before Rainbow intervened…
“No.” she told Twilight. “They’re not worth it. They’re not the kind who are ever going to learn their lesson in this life. Cliche as it sounds, let’s just allow their karma to catch up to them. Because trust me, it will...IT. WILL.”
“Rainbow, you really have changed…” Twilight replied, admiring Rainbow’s maturity. “You really have grown up...so that’s why you called Captain Celaeno and not Panel Peddler. Instead of fearing what Panel really thought about you, you had faith in him, realizing he needed to stand up for himself on his own and chose the path of self-acceptance.”
“Heh heh heh.” the boss laughed. “Even I didn’t call Panel. I’ve been around the block enough times to know about how businesses fail, and I knew that he was the kind of guy who would put his business first. So instead, I decided to discuss business with an old dragon friend...”
Meanwhile, Smith and her pals had retired to a solid-gold mansion in Canterlot, built from gold they had stolen from the griffons and the dragons. Before their propaganda scheme had been foiled, they had intended to steal gold from Ponyville too, and use it to expand the mansion. However, thanks to Rainbow’s efforts, Celaeno got to the gold first and gave it back to the citizens of Ponyville. Had Smith and her friends succeeded, everyone in Ponyville would be made poor just so Smith and her friends could get even richer. But now that their true nature had been exposed to so many, such a ploy would never have a chance of success again…especially with karma on its way...
*STOMP* *STOMP* *STOMP*
Smith and her friends didn’t even hear the stomping of dragons outside, as they were too busy jamming to Gold on the Ceiling by The Black Keys until the former Dragonlord, Ember’s father, tore the roof off. Smith and her friends turned to face him and shrieked before he breathed the most powerful torrent of fire he could on them, melting their entire gold mansion along with them, mixing their incinerated corpses that became ash with the molten gold. He then stuck his head in the pool of molten gold and drank some of it.
“Delectable.” he remarked, grinning devilishly. “We’ll make a fortune off of this...get the bottles ready…”
“And that’s how the Millenium Items were made!” Pinkie exclaimed on a stage at Griffonstone.
“Wrong franchise, Pinkie.” Maud, standing at a microphone, corrected her before turning back to the microphone. “Anyways, we’re glad to have you all here tonight, folks. Thanks to the generous donations of the Dragon Kingdom, Griffonstone is no longer the poorest region of Equestria, and now has the potential to make its mark as a prosperous nation once more.”
The crowd, filled with Equestrians of all species from all over the land, cheered.
“None of this would have been possible if we hadn’t fought for what we believed in.” Maud continued her speech. “We stood up and stuck up just like dicks for our cause to say what we want to say and be who we want to be. And while we all wished there were more times we could have taken the easy way out and been pussies, at least we never fell to being assholes spouting a bunch of shit that we didn’t believe in ourselves, yet forced on everyone else anyways! We have fought hard for and earned our right...to call ourselves believers!”
The music from the song, I’m a Believer by The Monkees, began to play as Maud started doing a cover of it. The audience continued to cheer, even as one pony who looked like Young Neil from Scott Pilgrim remarked, “This is really bad.”.
On a hill, watching from afar, were Rainbow Dash and all of her friends, including Spike, the boss, and Panel Peddler.
“Come on guys…” Rainbow Dash happily told her friends as they got up. “Let’s go see a movie together…and just enjoy hanging out with each other for who we are...”
When the human who became Maud Pie saw this on his computer screen, he smiled to himself, saying…
“Now that’s the kind of content I really appreciate getting for free…”
