Pinkie Pie Does the Impossible

by Vespi

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3447

Pinkie Pie makes Eminem smile

We all know Eminem, or Slim Shady, or Marshal; however you want to name him. After being bored with nothing to do in Ponyville Pinkie Pie takes it upon herself to make every single pony in the whole wide world smile. But will she be able to make the king of rap smirk?

Rated S for Shady (Vulgarity, Violence, Cursing, Drug Themes, Hating on Osama Bin Laden, Politcal Controversy, Stupidity)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-11 05:24:01 UTC

Pinkie Pie Does the Impossible

“Well thank you for helping me Pinkie Pie” Cranky Doodle Donkey said, for the first time in what felt like history, Cranky Doodle Donkey broke out into a wide grin, that one smile was like a gold medal for Pinkie Pie. Before long she couldn’t help but explode into song and dance, reusing the old lyrics for her newfound friend.

“You're a Cranky Doodle Donkey guy.”

“A Cranky Doodle Donkey.”

“I never met you but you're my new friend and I'm your best friend Pinkie Pie!”

Before long her, Cranky Doodle, and Matilda were all bursting with laughter. Pinkie Pie had done her duty, she had found another friend.

***

Pinkie Pie woke up bursting with joy, she felt like after hurdling the big task of making a hesitant friend, and finally getting to write a letter to Princess Celestia, anything was beatable. She got up and went right off to her job at Sugarcube Corner. All day long she made delicious sugary treats with extra vigor, answering to customers with extra cheer, and washing her hooves with extra efficiency.

By the end of a work-packed day, Pinkie Pie felt no less tired. She almost felt like she was under one of Twilight’s spells, like a spell that made her unbreakable! She couldn’t wait to go back and see what Cranky Doodle Donkey was up to! Maybe they could go fishing! Or perhaps Pinkie Pie could teach him how to make cookies for Matilda! Or even they could go down the river on Cranky Doodle Donkey’s raft!

Pinkie Pie walked down the streets of Ponyville, filled with her customary glee and excitement; only this time it was amplified with the sense of adventure and undeniable happiness.

hile day dreaming about her upcoming night she accidentally walked into Twilight, literally.

"Pinkie Pie!” Twilight said in a aggravated tone, Pinkie Pie hadn’t noticed but she had walked straight into Twilight Sparkle. Pinkie Pie felt a tad of guilt, but it was Twilight’s fault Pinkie Pie thought. How was she supposed to know it was her if he was carrying books piled up over her head?

“Oops sorry Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said with a giggle. Twilight wanted to admonish the pink foal but she couldn’t help but drop her frown and turn into a small smirk.

“Hey have you seen Cranky Doodle?: Pinkie Pie said

“Yea, he said he was going down the river with Matilda” Twilight Sparkle said, brushing off the dirt from her books.

“Awwwwwwwwwwww” Pinkie Pie said, her smile weakened; she had finally planned out her day with Cranky just then, but now it was worthless.

“Yea” Twilight said trying to silence the conversation “Sorry Pinkie, I’d love to talk but I have a big report for the Princess due in a couple days and I’m not even close to finishing!”

Pinkie Pie frowned “What should I do then?”

“I don’t know! Just see what everypony is up to!” Twilight said, levitating the massive stack of literature and rushing down the street, single pieces of paper falling out of her grasp and fluttering in the breeze.

That wasn’t a bad idea, there were 3 more ponies in town she could help! Rarity was away in Canterlot and since Twilight was doing her project she had 3 names: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy.

She quickly galloped towards Sweet Apple Acres to see what AJ was up to.

***

“Hey AJ what are you up to?” Pinkie Pie said

“Bucking” Apple Jack said. With a firm kick from her legs a fusillade of bright red apples fell down from her targeted tree. The apples avalanched down into an old rustic wooden bucket and Applejack placed it with the other 47 barrels.

“Oooooooooo can I help can I can i?” Pinkie Pie asked. Without waiting for an answer Pinkie Pie kicked a small sapling, the trunk was knocked back and became bent.

“Uhhh no offense Pinkie Pie, but you don’t seem to have the experience I seem to have” Applejack said. To show what she meant she kicked another tree, the apples fell down onto the grass, granted this tree was a little more solid than the other tree, but AJ only wanted to prove a point. She didn’t really like having to get help from outside the family; she just never liked to be dead weight.

“Like this?” Pinkie Pie said, she kicked a new tree again, she didn’t do any better. The trunk was knocked back and forth a tad but none of the apples dropped.

“Here Pinkie, like this” Applejack said. She tried to perfect her kick as much as possible, she kicked the next tree in line hard and high, the apples came falling.

“Like this?” Pinkie Pie asked

***

“There we go, all the trees are done!” Pinkie Pie said to herself in triumph, she had kicked every single tree! AJ was skeptical at first, but since she had to repair the wagon, she had no chance but to rely on Pinkie Pie, boy would she be happy Pinkie Pie thought.

“Howdy Pinkie! Boy you got all them apples?” Applejack asked she looked around; something was wrong “Where are all the apples?”

“Here!” Pinkie Pie said pointing to 5 buckets worth of apples.

“Pinkie there are thousands of apples in these here trees! What happened?” Applejack said. She broke into a cold sweat, she was strapped on time and now she had to buck all of the apples to. Buck!

“o……really? I kept kicking the trees but nothing came out” Pinkie Pie said. Applejack looked into the orchards, every tree was practically knocked down.

“PINKIE PIE YOU DON’T KICK THEM THAT MUCH OR THEY BEND!” Applejack exclaimed

“Don’t you just replant them?” Pinkie Pie asked

“NO”

“O, well bye then” Pinkie Pie said trotting away. That didn’t work out! Time to find Dashie!

Applejack buried her face into her hooves, looks like they were back on welfare...again.

***

“Hey Dashie!’ Pinkie Pie shouted towards the sky “What are you up to?”

Rainbow Dash came down from behind the cumulus clouds; she twirled while in the air and brought herself to a picture perfect stop.

“Hey Pinkie Pie, what are you up to?” Dashie asked

“Nothing just trying to get rid of these excess clouds” Rainbow Dash said, taking off towards a encroaching white cloud.

“Cool! Need any help?”  Pinkie Pie asked, intent on helping her great friend.

“Nah im kind of good now” Rainbow Dash said

“Anything Dashie? Please please please please?” Pinkie Pie begged

Rainbow Dash gave out a long sigh “Fine Pinkie Pie, you can go……..do my taxes! Yea that’s great! If you can do my taxes that’d be great, everything is up in my house in Cloudsdale bye!” Dashie said, acting like she was urgently flying away towards impending danger. From behind a big white fluffy cloud she snickered, she was off the hook.

***

Rainbow Dash opened the door to her apartment, Sshe stretched out a little and headed into her kitchen for a quick snack. Sitting at thet able was Pinkie Pie, she wore a light green visor and was studying waves of white papers, in front of her was a calculator and a typewriter.

“Hey Dashie it says here your yearly income is 54,000 bits a year. I think you qualify to file with a company to get free advice, I called your accountant uncle and he said that you should contact the IRS at one of their Tax assistance centers and get free advice, your credit is a mess!” Pinkie Pie said

“Really?” Rainbow Dash said enticed by Pinkie Pie’s big words “Keep working best buddy! You rock!”

***

“All done!” Pinkie Pie said

“Really?” Rainbow Dash asked, she had been hovering over pinkie Pie’s shoulder the entire time but mainly to just show she was intrigued and thankful for Pinkie Pie’s help, now she actually wanted to know what was going on.

“Wait what’s the date?” Pinkie Pie asked

“April 16th” Rainbow Dash said

“Wow cool! You are all done for the year already!"

“Wait….what about last year?” Rainbow Dash asked

“Well silly didn’t you do your taxes?” Pinkie Pie asked with a giggle

Rainbow Dash gave a gulp

“Okay Pinkie what happens now?”

Pinkie Pie was already though in a free fall, she had done her job and now it was her time to help Fluttershy!

***

“It’s okay little buddy” Fluttershy whispered “You can come out now” before Fluttershy could move her head two little feet emerged from the shadow of the chick coup. The little bunny pulled him from under and cautiously waddled out into the wide open, his little eyes scanned the area for any other bunnies.

“Don’t worry little friend, it’s okay to be a little shy” Fluttershy said “I bet you won’t believe im serious, but I’m a little shy too”

The little white bunny looked up he now felt a little more confident.

“FLUTTERSHY!” Pinkie Pie shouted, Fluttershy’s little friend scurried back under the chicken coup.

“Pinkie! Why did you do that!? I just got him out from under there!” Fluttershy protested

“Sorry, I just wanted to help” Pinkie Pie said her smile beginning to wane

“O Pinkie Pie, to be honest…I don’t think helping animals is your best skill” Fluttershy said, fumbling with the words to not hurt Pinkie’s feelings “Know what you are good at?”

“Taxes!” Pinkie Pie screamed

“Wait what? No, making people smile! Why don’t you see if you can make everyone smile! I think you’re the world champion too!” Fluttershy said

“Thanks Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said bouncing off on her new quest; she would make everyone in the whole wide world smile! It was a big task, but she had to do it! She was the world champion!

***

“And for today’s top story in music, Lil Wayne’s new song “My Homies Still” Skyrockets”

Marshal turned the TV off “Lil Wayne…Lil Wayne, o yea the guy who looks like a gorilla”

Marshal frowned; he took his cup and refilled it with a mixture of whiskey, vodka, and battery acid.

The phone rang

“Yo” Marshal said, taking a sip out of his cup

“Hey Slim” It was Dre

“Hey Dre” Marshal said

“What you up to?”

“Work” Marshal gave a loud and vulgar burp

“You drinking out of the Holy Grail again on your couch right?”

“Holy Grail? Yo you mean my pimp cup?” Marshal asked

“No I mean the actual Holy Grail, remember? You and D12 went to the Middle East and found it? Right?” Dr. Dre said

“O yea” Marshal said , that day was always a memory for him

“Yo bitch what you got there punk?”

“O this? It is just a cup I found in the mountains”

“What’s your name?”

“Osama”

“Osama who faggot”

“Osama Bin Laden sir”

“Gimme that cup bitch!”

Marshal remembered how they grabbed him and beat him senseless in the alleyway.

“Damn you Americans! One day I will get my revenge and get back at America, you…you INFIDELS!”

Marshal couldn’t help but wondered what happened to that dude, he probably forgot about it and did whatever Muslims do.

Marshal was about to continue the conversation but someone was waiting at his doorstep.

“Yo hang on someone is ringing the doorbell” Marshal said

“Wait man why aren’t you making another album”

“Chill the fuck out its almost done” Marshal said, he quickly turned his phone off and ran to the door. He pulled the door open; in front of him was a pink pony. Marshal frowned.

“I don’t want to buy any Girl Scout cookies”

“You’re silly! Hi my name is Pinkie Pie and I want to make everyone in the world-“

Marshall slammed the door on the Girl Scout, damn they were getting smart. Marshal had seen them dress up before, but how did they make a pink pony costume!?

The doorbell rang again, he hated when these bitches were persistent like this

“Bitch off my doorstep before I grab my 9 mil” Marshal said

“But I just want to make you smile! I have made every single person in the whole wide world smile except you!” Pinkie Pie pleaded “Please just let me in for a second please!”

Marshal frowned “Fine, come the fuck in”

Pinkie Pie walked into the amazing Slim Shady’s house. On one wall there were photos full of the eminent rapper with various public icons. There were pictures of him standing next to Dr. Dre, George Bush, Sarah Palin, and even some guy dressed up as a clown!

“Woah who is this guy!?” Pinkie Pie asked

“Some fat ass dressed up like a fucking clown” Marshal said, sinking back into the couch.

“Mr. Eminem, how come you never smile?” Pinkie Pie asked, she had seen many people. Crippled people, poor people, people going through so much suffering, but this was the only guy she couldn’t make smile!

“I don’t know, im too rich for smiling” Marshal said

“No one is too rich to smile!” Pinkie Pie said “just smile :)!” Pinkie Pie said

“No”

“Hey want to hear a joke?” Pinkie Pie asked

“No, stop”

“Please?”

“No, just stop”

“PLEASE!?”

“FUCK NO”

“PLEASE!!!!????”

“Fine”

“Knock Knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Banana!”

“Banana who?”

“Orange you glad I said Banana?” Pinkie Pie said with a giggle, Twilight had told her that joke; ever since she used it for any non-smiling pony she met.

“No” Marshal said, his mouth still not smiling. Pinkie Pie thought up a plan in her head, this would be 1 tough nut to crack.

“Do you like to sing then?” Pinkie Pie asked

“No” Marshal replied, to be honest, he actually liked to sing Frank Sinatra in the shower, but he was in no mood to amuse the Girl Scout dressed up as a cute pink pony.

“How about dancing!? Do you like to dance?” Pinkie Pie asked

“Nope”

“What about singing AND dancing?”

“No, hey could u get me some potato chips from the kitchen/” Eminem asked

“Okay sourpuss I’ll be right back!” Pinkie Pie said, she had her plan all set out. All she would need is a little time, some effort, and a forklift.

***

“GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS!?” Pinkie Pie shouted hiding from behind a wall into the living room.

“Ambien time?”

“NO, PARTAY TIME!” Pinkie Pie said, she pushed with all her might and the wheels of her party machine went into full throttle. She pushed the party cannon right into Slim’s living room.

“Who gave a girl scout a fucking cannon? Jesus christ how much does your fucking company make!?” Marshal asked

BAM, Pinkie Pie fired off a round from the party Cannon, it collided with a nearby table and turned it from its normal table like appearance into a more party like appearance. A pink sheet hid the expensive wood and plastic cups and party hats now sat on the table, the cup that once stood there was now gone.

“That ain’t funny” Marshal said “What the hell happened to my pimp cup!?”

“O I don’t know!” Pinkie Pie said nervously. She forget to mention that anything not party like in the vicinity of the party blast radius was instantly destroyed and sent to a different dimension, hopefully there was nothing valuable in that wallet.

“Dammit how the fuck did I lose the fucking Holy Grail? FUCK!” Marshal cursed, he brought his phone up to his ear “Yo Dr. Dre how much does the Holy Grail cost?”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!” Marshal asked

“Ummm sorry” Pinkie Pie said, she didn’t even sound like herself anymore, she sounded more like Fluttershy and her voice barely passed as audible.

“I don’t know why the fuck I let you in my house, and I don’t know why someone gave a fucking girl scout a cannon but bitch get out!” Marshal shouted

“But! But!”

Before Pinkie Pie could react Marshal grabbed her and tossed her out the door, while Pinkie Pie was still lying in the grass, Marshal slammed the door shut; completely furious. That was the best cup he had ever used, it was the only cup he ever used! There was not a single glass to drink from in the entire house now. He hadn’t felt this low in years.

Pinkie Pie felt like giving up and heading back to Sugarcube corner, but the worlds of Fluttershy kept echoing into her mind:

Why don’t you see if you can make everyone smile! I think you’re the world champion too!

She would give it one more shot, one thing that has never failed ever.

She crept into the living room where Marshal silently sat, his hands covered his face as he was completely distraught over losing his precious pimp cup.

“Hey” She said

“What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want?” Marshal asked, turning around

“Why did the strawberry cross the road?”

“Fuck it I’m grabbing my gun” Marshal said “You can’t make me smile and you never will be, I don’t know why I can’t smile. I just don’t so stop trying okay? Maybe it’s because my life has been great sometimes and shit more of the time. Maybe it’s because my best friend got shot and you destroyed m pimp cup. Maybe because my fucking uncle AND my Mom sued me! MAYBE BECAUSE-“

“It’s mom was in a jam” Pinkie Pie said. Eminem laughed for the slightest second, he instantly realized it.

“Stop”

“You laughed! You smiled!” Pinkie Pie said

“No”

“Don’t lie you little bawoshi woshi mamanoshi patodi wodi!” Pinkie Pie said, she had played with Pound and Pumpkin Cake long enough to know this always cracked them up.

“Ha you said patodi WAIT STOP!” Marshal said, now standing up.

“O we are just getting started”

***

“Hello there Eminem, how is it going? Glad to be on the show again?”

“yea man, I had a real amazing thing happen to me last night, I was just watching TV like normal, and this girl scout dressed up like a pink pony walked into my room. And she got me thinking man, like she blew up my pimp cup with her cannon and all that-“

“Your…pimp cup?”

“Yea it’s the Holy Grail nothing serious but she made me think that it’s time for me to put my past behind me and just…you know…smile once and a while.”

“Well that’s great to here, but where did you find the Holy Grail?”

“O that I beat up this dude Osama Bin Laden for it with my boys in D12 and I just held onto it, but that doesn’t matter! I think this is the first time I’ve smiled in like 20 years!”

“But Osama Bin Laden is the one who lead the 9/11 attacks and many smaller terrorist attacks all over the globe”

“Well tell him he isn’t getting his pimp cup back”

“But he’s dead”

“Really?”

“Hes been dead”

Pinkie Pie smiled, her work was done.

The next day she headed back to Fluttershy’s, Fluttershy was tending to her chickens, feeding them and checking all of them to make sure they were healthy.

“Hey Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said, once again she was bouncing with joy

“Hey Pinkie Pie where have you been for the last week?” Fluttershy asked, finishing up her duty as chicken feeder.

“O I just finished making everyone in the whole wide world smile” Pinkie Pie said with a hint of pride “What have I missed?”

“O a lot! Rainbow Dash is homeless, Applejack is in Jail for armed robbery, Rarity got kidnapped by bandits, Spike has been missing, Cranky Doodle sank his raft and drowned, and Twilight forgot to finish her report and is in the dungeon for the next 20 years...that or i heard something about bananas...” Fluttershy said

“Wow really!? I better get back to work!” Pinkie Pie said

“As world wide smile champion!”

"Ummm Pinkie? You do know you still work at Sugarube Corner right?"

"NOT ANYMORE" Pinkie Pie said "From now on i shall makte it my job to make every singlepony smile all the time!"

"Ummmmmm Pinkie that isn't really a job..."

"Sure it is!"

Fluttershy sighed "Fine, i have my own problems too, my sister has cancer and no one can afford the hospital bill, why don't you go make her smile?"

"Nah, if being in Eminem's prescence has taught me ANYTHING it is to never give a fucking shit!" Pinkie Pie said

"A what!?"

"A fucking shit! he uses that all the time,"

Fluttershy sighed "I'm not even going to bother

ZE END

Hey guys just got bored and wanted to make a silly story. Hope you guys enjoyed another "lol wut" story. Cheers

-Vespie