Poop Time

by WhatDidIJustRead

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2399

Oh no! Twilight can't remember how to poop!

Twilight doesn't remember how to poop, and that's no good. But with the help of her friends, and a little magic, can she learn how again before it's too late?

Thanks to Majin Syeekoh for the idea. Or at least showing me the cover art and being like "make this a story" like 2 years ago.

Published 2021-01-06 14:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2021-01-06 14:40:00 UTC

Old ways

"So, when I said I'm the Princess of Friendship, they were like 'Oh my gawwwsh, you're that Twilight Sparkle?' Ah, good times, good times," Twilight said.

"That's nice and all," Fluttershy replied, straining, "but could you please help me get this crab to let go of my leg? I think he's about to hit a major artery if his claws get any deeper."

"Oh. Right," Twilight said, and with a quick burst of magic, the crab teleported onto the friendship map. Fluttershy sighed and bandaged her not-really-that-severe wound.

"Thanks, Twilight," Fluttershy said.

"Yep! Dunno what you'd do without me."

"Well, I'd probably have gone to Starlight or even Trix—"

"Anyway, I have a lot of reading to catch up on, and I'm sure you need to get Pinchy home."

"Actually, his name is Clawbert Clawlsen, and—"

"Right, right. See you next ti-ohhh, what was that?"

Fluttershy tilted her head. "What was what?"

Twilight felt some kind of knot forming inside her. "That."

Fluttershy shook her head. "You're still not being very specif—"

"Ah! That! That, that! Owww! What's happening to me?" she cried, nearly falling over in pain.

"Oh my gosh, Twilight! Let's get you to a vet!" Fluttershy said, rushing to her friend's side.

"Doctor. Not vet. Hospital. Ow."

"Sorry, force of habit. Can you walk?"

Twilight took half a step and fell over.

"Guess that's a no," Fluttershy said unhelpfully.

"Get... help..."

"Right! I'll just... yeah. Take care of Clawbert while I'm gone."

Twilight sobbed in reply.

Nurse Redheart pinned up an X-ray against a backlit illuminator on her wall. "Well, Twilight," she said, "it seems you haven't pooped in a while. About a week, it looks like. See this mass here?" She pointed at Twilight's colon on the X-ray image, where there was indeed a visible mass.

"That doesn't make any sense. My relationship with the castle's toilet is just fine."

Redheart blinked as she tried and failed to process what Twilight said. "I... Princess Twilight, do you know where you are?"

"You mean Ponyville Hospital? Of course I do."

"And today's date?"

"Septober six-and-two-thirdsth."

"Hmm, not dementia, then..." Redheart said under her breath. "Well, never mind. The pressure relief medicine I gave you can only do so much. You'll still need to evacuate your bowels soon. I recommend some laxatives and a nice, long trip to the toilet."

Twilight laughed. "Sorry, doctor," she said, making air quotes with her hooves, "but this mare is educated against the dangers of manual pooping."

"R-right. I... I think all I can do now is recommend these things. But if you don't poop soon, surgery may be required."

"Well, I'll just go back home and let the castle's toilet demon do its thing."

Nurse Redheart made a mental note to reconsider the possibility of dementia.

Twilight stepped into the castle's main bathroom, which was something she hadn't done on her own in years.

"Hello? Toilet demon? Are you here?"

The toilet was silent. Her thoughts were silent. Why hadn't it possessed her lately?

"I'm just... full of poop that I know a hungry castle toilet might enjooooy," she sang.

She waited.

No response.

"Listen. We made a deal. You do my pooping for me, and I let you haunt my toilet. A deal's a deal. I can't even poop on my own anymore without your help. I forgot how! Now come on, make with the possessing before I need surgery."

No reply came.

Twilight realized, then, that something terrible must have happened to her beloved toilet demon.

The castle had never felt so lonely.

Twilight sat upon her throne, surrounded by her friends at the friendship map table.

"So, I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today," she said mysteriously.

Applejack stood up on her chair. "When I can't go, Granny's ole fashioned prune juice always does the trick for me."

Twilight scowled. "Fluttershy! How could you?"

Fluttershy sank into her seat. "I, um, I was just so worried about you, and I told all our friends because, um, we care about you, and—"

"I brought you a laxative cake!" Pinkie interjected.

"If that doesn't work," Rainbow Dash said, "you can try some of Spitfire's mom's spicy jalapeño and salsa tacos. Heh. There's a reason Spitfire's nickname at the Academy was Shi—"

"Ah! Hush, Rainbow," Rarity said. "Nopony needs to hear it. As for you, Twilight, I brought my own personal homemade enema kit. It works with just about everything! Water, coffee, tea, milk, molten wax, honey, scented oils..."

Twilight sighed. "Okay, I'm starting to regret bringing you all here. I'll have some of that laxative cake, though. All of you can just... wait outside the bathroom in case something bad happens."

Before any of her friends could reply, she stood up and headed toward the bathroom. They all followed, chattering like schoolfillies discussing a scandal. Pinkie had a slice of cake on a paper plate.

At the bathroom, Twilight thanked Pinkie for actually bringing something useful and ate the slice in three big bites. Then, with a burp and a sigh, she went into her bathroom and shut the door.

She looked at the toilet, so unfamiliar after so long.

She was nervous.

The dangers of manual pooping were at the forefront of her thoughts. She had read that older mares often had aneurysms on the toilet, apparently caused by struggling too hard. She shivered, but braved her way forward and sat on the crystal bowl.

The seat was frigid, and the cold pierced the insulating fuzz on her butt as though it didn't even exist, making her want to jump right back up. Instead, she persevered until it warmed up.

Ugh, stupid toilet demon, she thought. What even happened to him? It? Whatever. How could he leave me without telling me? Did he find a better toilet? If I find out where he went, I'll exorcise him myself.

Twilight sighed. Nothing was happening, as expected. She didn't know how long the laxative cake would need, but she also didn't really expect it to work.

She tried shifting around, straightening her body and then slumping forward. Anything to get stuff moving. She tried raising her hooves, leaning left and right, pressing on her belly, and flailing as wildly as she dared from the precarious seat. Nothing seemed to work.

"What did I even used to do?" she asked aloud.

"What was that, Twilight? Do you need help?" Pinkie shouted through the door.

"No! I'm fine!" she replied, annoyed because she was sure the pink mare had her ear pressed right up against the door.

"False alarm, you guys, she's fine," Pinkie said, loud enough to be heard by Twilight.

Maybe if I just try waiting, my body will remember how, Twilight thought. I really wish I brought a book.

To pass the time, she used her magic to pick up various bottles from around the bathroom and read the instructions and ingredients.

Huh. Spike's toothpaste has fish oil in it? she thought. And so, the mild amusement dwindled down as she ran out of things to read. She placed the bottles on the floor, then organized them by size, then color, then amount remaining, then where they were made. A surprisingly large amount of it was made in Canterlot, and she realized she could probably be spending less by buying the stuff made in Manehattan sweat shops or whatever.

And she still hadn't pooped. Not even a little.

"Pinkie," she indoor-shouted, "how long does that laxative cake take to work?"

"Two to three minutes," Pinkie shouted back.

"And how long has it been?"

There was some muffled discussion. "Fifteen minutes."

What? Only fifteen minutes? Dah! Twilight thought. This is ridiculous. Maybe I'll just do the surgery and bill it as a 'Royal Duty.' Heheh. Duty.

She snickered. Partly at the pun, and partly at the idea of those snooty Canterlot elites paying for her to get poop surgically removed. They'd never even know, but she still somehow felt like it would give her some kind of power over them.

More time passed, with no results.

"Twilight!" Pinkie shouted, making Twilight jump a little, but it sadly didn't scare the shit out of her. "Starlight's here! Do you want her to go get Zecora?"

Oh, great. More ponies knowing about this is the last thing I need right now, Twilight thought. "No! I'll be fine!"

"You sure? Because it's been..." There was a pause. "Forty minutes. Have you pooped yet?"

Twilight decided that didn't even deserve a response, because obviously if she had, she'd be out of there already.

"Hey, Starlight," Pinkie said, "can't you just teleport her poop out of her or something?"

Twilight facehoofed, hearing Starlight reply in muffled and unintelligible words.

"Twilight!" Pinkie shrieked. When Twilight didn't respond, she continued. "Bad news! Starlight says that if she tried to teleport it out, it might kill you! So it looks like that's off the table!"

As if that's not the first thing I'd do if I could, Twilight thought, needing a long sigh to calm down.

"Twilight? You okay?" Pinkie asked.

"Yeah, just... concentrating," Twilight lied.

"Are you sure you don't want to try an enema, darling?" Rarity asked. "They're really quite refreshing."

"No! I can do this. Just give me some more time!"

"I have some pet pinworms that might be able to clear some of it out," Fluttershy said.

Twilight growled.

"You sure you don't wanna try those tacos?" Rainbow asked.

Twilight's growl intensified.

"Or Granny's prune juice?" Applejack offered.

The growl threatened to become a roar.

Then, Starlight chimed in. "This isn't related to that exorcism spell I cast on the castle's plumbing last week, is it?"

Twilight hopped up, onto all fours. "You what?!" She strode over to the door and opened it to see all her friends leaning too far forward. Pinkie Pie fell face-first onto the floor.

Starlight looked confused. "Yeah," she said, "there seemed to be some kind of ghost activity in the pipes, so I banished whatever it was back to Heck."

"Starlight! You are gonna payyyeaagh!" Twilight fell over with a horrible cramp in her side. "Ah... no... too late. Hospital."

As she was roughly carried to the emergency room for surgery, her incessant crying was just as much for her lost toilet demon as the pain.

Poop Time

It's time to poop, Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle looked up from her book. It was time to poop.

She sighed as she went through the motions herself. An automated spell reminder for designated 'Poop Time' ended up being an effective way to learn to poop on her own again.

But it just wasn't the same.

And it was still all done manually.

Eventually, most of the fear of aneurysms went away, and she regained some control of her lower muscles. Enough to poop on command, at least. But she still needed the reminder. And she always kept some laxative sprinkles around just in case (thank you, Pinkie Pie).

Starlight's apology had been rather insincere, and Twilight punished her with plenty of passive aggression in comments like "Things were so much better with the toilet demon around," and "Manual pooping is incredibly dangerous. I sure hope I don't die from it."

By the time the new routine had completely taken over, Twilight had stopped checking news sources for evidence of haunted toilets. Going back to the superior way to poop, while tempting, would only set her up for another painful and tragic fall.

She often lied to herself, telling herself that maybe it was better this way. After all, she moved some books into the bathroom, so she could get more reading done. And now, Poop Time followed her own schedule, rather than the whims or appetites of a mysterious demon spirit. Truly, nothing really made up for the loss, but the silver linings helped some.

In the end, there was only one thing to do when the past was done. Just keep moving forward.

Ever forward.

The process

It's time to poop, Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight looked up from her book. It was time to poop.

She stood up. Turned to face the library's exit. Walked.

As she walked, her legs' movements were mechanical; measured and symmetrical, each of her steps covered the same amount of distance. During the entire minute-long trek to the bathroom, she didn't blink a single time. And her eyes never focused on anything, staring blankly ahead as if she just couldn't move them anymore. Her breathing was even, inhaling and exhaling at the same speed until some seemingly-predetermined, precise lung capacity threshold was met before switching between the two.

Yes, very good. Keep going.

The bathroom door was shut. She stopped in front of it, still facing along the hallway and perpendicular to the actual door. Her right foreleg reached out sideways, blindly, and moved in an unnatural pattern, shaking and sweeping up and down over the surface of the door until it found the handle and pressed it down.

With an echoey click, it opened.

She walked in. Sideways, until she bumped her neck against the door frame and was forced to turn left, now moving backwards.

Her butt faced directly at the toilet like a compass pointing towards magnetic north. The few steps taken to close the distance were just her normal forward walking steps in reverse, which would look strange if anypony was watching.

As soon as her leg bumped the toilet, she reared up and sat on it.

Perfect. Now, poop.

And so she did. Muscles she did not control loosened and began the process. Others tightened, helping the process along. She was a mareionette, a pooppet on invisible strings, with her insides dancing at the behest of a greater being. It was a dance that was required for her. Soon, the evidence of her successful performance was in the toilet bowl itself, ready to be flushed down into the Ponyville sewer system.

She leaned forward, falling gently onto all four hooves, and her hind leg reached back and up, much like with the door handle, until it found the small handle. The satisfying sounds of rushing water and draining pipes filled the room.

Yeeesssssss...

Twilight Sparkle blinked. Shook her head. Sighed and smiled. She was back.

And there was still so much reading to do back at the library.