Moving On isn't Giving Up
Author's Note
This story is rough around the edges, and I'm not sorry for that.
Moving On isn't Giving Up
I sit at a table in the restaurant, my hooves folded and watching. Watching them. My family.
My daughter listens eagerly, a motherly look in her eyes as her little sister speaks on and on about... something. I can't hear them over the crowd of voices surrounding me. I look at my son, who sips his glass of water gently. He reminds me so much of his father. I feel a slight tinge of pain in my chest but I just can't bring myself to look away.
Then there was Apple Bloom. I remember that bow in her mane used to be as large as her entire face. She's grown. She's grown so much. How long has it been? A year? Applejack stopped sending pictures after the last time I came back.
"We can leave, if you want," the masculine voice says from across the table.
I blink and look up to him. He might as well be faceless, because it's not him. Instead a new stallion, different feelings, different twinges of the heart. Different... everything.
And I love him.
"I need a few more minutes to decide," I say.
"Pear," he says, so sweetly, so gently. "There's nothing wrong with trying next month."
The words ring like a familiar lullaby in my ears. I could try again next month. The Apples are a family of habit, if nothing else. Except, the waves of burning in my throat tell me this is wrong. It's so wrong.
"I don't know if I believe that anymore, Forest," I say to him. The name is familiar, safe on my tongue, but with them in the room it feels as if I've committed taboo. Perhaps it's because I have. Sometimes I believe that I have. I don't know anymore.
"It's just," he says, placing his hoof on mine, "I remember the last time you tried to talk to them. I remember how it... affected you."
I sigh and look up to his light green fur and chocolate brown eyes. His short, tidy mane reminded me of the fresh hair of a newborn pup. My mind drifts to Winona, and my resolve falters.
"I won't drink like last time," I mumble.
"It's not about the drinking," Forest says. "It's about how much it hurts you. I know giving up family is difficult but-"
"I was told that you'll remember the 'who' long after you've forgotten the 'what.'" I snap back. "Family is the first set of friends you ever make, and-"
"Stop quoting her book, Pear," Forest interjects. "I don't think that's going to be the first thing they have on their mind when you talk to them."
A chorus of laughter erupts from the Apple Family's table.
I rise from my table.
"It'll be different."
I trot away from him and walk towards my family's table. It's Applejack that notices me first. Her joyful expression falls to a stern glare. I feel as if a sudden guest of air knocks me off balance. The sound in the crowded restaurant in Ponyville melts together into a dull hum. A piercing dial-tone that makes my words catch in my throat and my mind falls silent.
Apple Bloom looks to her sister, and glances to where her eyes are locked. A flurry of expressions fly across her face in a matter of seconds. Confusion. Recognition. Excitement. Then... disappointment. She turns her back to me.
My hoofsteps fall heavier and heavier as if each step I took made me fall deeper and deeper into quicksand. But if keep pushing, the other side will be worth it. I just need to keep walking. I just need to keep pushing.
I stop in front of their table, and now I've have all of their attentions. I open my mouth to speak but a dry rasp is all that comes out. I clear my throat and set a hoof on the table.
"How can we help you, missy?" Granny Smith asks stoicly.
"I, uhm," And my mind falters. I struggle to find the right words to speak. What could I even say? "Was wondering if yall would mind some company."
A silence falls from my family. My children. My mother-in-law.
"For how many?" Applejack speaks up, her voice stern. The sound of her voice is sweet on my ears like lemonade, but stings like an open mouth wound. It's been months. My eyes move to Granny, and I can see her hooves tremble, likely repressing another shouting fit.
"I was hoping..." I nod towards Forest. "For two."
"You have some nerve, you know that?" Granny growls.
I close my eyes, trying to keep my facial features rigid and calm. My eyes look to Apple Bloom. Her eyes look into mine, and it's as if I see a near-mirror image of her father. That same stabbing pain strikes my chest.
"I care about my family," I say gently. "I know that not everypony was comfortable with me finding somepony after Bright-"
"Stop," Granny says, rising to her hooves. Her voice is stern. She leans toward me aggressively, although her bones were so old they could seem to shatter on their own. I step backward, feeling the knife near my throat. "You made your decision."
"There never had to be a decision," I reaffirm.
"Why can't Mom just sit with us and have dinner with her gentlecolt?" Apple Bloom asks, standing up. "I haven't seen her in a long-"
"Stay out of this Apple Bloom," Granny says.
"But," the little one whines, but her older brother places a hoof on hers, trying to pacify the situation. I can't help but feel a touch of guilt-filled pride. That was likely Bright's lessons. I look back to Granny.
"I told you that if you wanted to start a new family, you stay with them. And you made your choice."
"Family is the first set of friends you ever make," I say, looking to Applejack. Her face reddens and her brow furrows as if she were unexpectedly slapped in the face.
"Now don't you go usin my own words against me. You don't care. Where have you even been?"
My breath escapes me as I didn't expect AJ to come for blood. Granny Smith I expected. This feels more like a fever dream I'd imagine in a panic attack before trying to reconcile. Not what would really happen.
"I've been in Manehattan, you know that."
"Yeah, and we've been here on the farm. Waiting for you to 'Get things together', Pear. Dad died a long time ago. And we couldn't spend forever mopin' around the farm waitin to feel better."
My hooves on the floor feel weak, as if the pull of gravity threatened to tear me asunder with every passing second.
"I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone," I say.
"And you weren't gonna be!" She pipes up. I recognize that lead in. It's what Granny said last time. "We were all here for you. When Dad died, it hit all of us. Apple Bloom weren't more than a year old. We all banded together and worked through it together. You left us, Mom."
"I didn't want you all to see me in such a mess. And there's a difference between having family and somepony special to spend your life with. It's what Bright Mac would have wanted. Do you think he would have been happy to see me wasting away, staring at the moon missing him every single day? He'd want me to move on. So I did. And I now have a wonderful stallion in my life that... that cares for me. And wants me to be happy. We're engaged, and-"
"Engaged?!" each pony at the table repeats in shock.
"When's the wedding?" Apple Bloom asks, leaping up in excitement.
"That's enough," Granny says, throwing a bag of bits on the table. "We're going."
The ponies I care about most in the world each rise from their seats and exit without another look.
"I don't understand why I can't still be a part of our family and find somepony new to spend my life with."
Apple Bloom stops and turns around, but Big Mac lifts her into the air and continues following behind Granny.
"That's not fair! I want to stay with Mom!"
Applejack stops as the rest of the ponies leave the establishment.
"Sweetie."
Applejack turns towards me, a few of the tables in the restaurant talk in hushed whispers, watching the strange situation unfold.
"Mom, just," Applejack says, walking towards me for a moment. "I don't understand how we weren't enough for you. Why did you need somepony else? Why is having a new family so much important than... this one."
I can see my mother-in-law in her eyes. I wonder if there's anything I could even say that would sway her or change her mind.
"Honey, when your father passed, I was distraught. I have loved him since I was a filly. And that hole in my life... It was so, so large. I was barely able to function, let alone be a good mother. I needed to find a reason to... exist. A reason to feel joy again. And I know that's all difficult to understand, but-"
"Yeah, we get it. We couldn't be enough. We couldn't make you happy-"
"It's not that. It's never been that."
"Then what is it?! Because we don't understand, Mom. You haven't been here. You might as well have died with him."
Those words again.
"You don't mean that."
Applejack takes off her stetson. Her father's. And covers her face for a moment. I wonder what she's trying to conceal. Hurt? Pain? Fury?
When it moves back to her head, she's calmer.
"I'm sorry. That was harsh to say, but it's hard not to repeat what you hear at home," AJ says. "You know?"
I think that actually makes me feel worse.
"I understand."
"I hope you have a nice wedding, Mom. I'm sure it will be beautiful." Applejack says, turning away.
"Well I was hoping you all would be there. Or... maybe in the wedding."
But my daughter keeps walking, as if she didn't hear a word. I feel my strength fail me, and I sit on the cold tile floor. I feel a gentle hoof wrap around mine.
"Come on," A gentle masculine voice says.
"Okay," I cut myself off, unsure if I would say the right name.
