Twilight and Spike were walking down the dirt path leading to Sweet Apple Acres when Twilight violently shuddered again. "God, I don't think there are enough showers in all of the multiverse to make me feel clean again." Her voice was a somewhat low, rather masculine sounding one.
"Ya know, to be fair, in that universe he wasn't technically your brother," said Spike in a thick, albeit stereotypical, Scottish accent.
Twilight dry heaved. "Gah! Don't remind me about it."
"It's gonna be hard," said Spike. "I've still got that song they sang about it stuck in ma head. It was pretty catchy."
"I don't care how catchy a song about incest is. That doesn't make it any less creepy!" Twilight shook her head. "Just keep the Chrono-Carrot ready."
In Spike's claw was a clear, crystal carrot. It wasn't simply a nice looking trinket. It was the tool of their interdimensional flight: the Chaotic Chrystal Chrono-Carrot of Clover the Clever. After years of putting up with abuse from Princess Celestia, and the lunacy of her so-called friends, Twilight had had enough. She and Spike had stolen the relic and were now hoping to find a new home away from the insanity.
"Well," said Spike, "we already learned that you aren't married in this universe from all of those schedules and notes in your room at the castle, so you don't have ta worry about that."
"I'm not surprised. This other me is a princess, a mentor, and a professor and then she apparently spent all of her free time making schedules to remind her that she doesn't have any free time."
"Sure, ya won't have much free time, but at least ya aren't Celestia's pupil here."
"That we know of." Twilight looked wearily up at the sun overhead. "Hopefully this universe's Applejack is still trustworthy enough to fill in the blanks for us."
The pair finally arrived at the entrance to Applejack's farm. Everything seemed peaceful and normal, but then again, so did their own universe half of the time. Looking around, they eventually found the Earth pony bucking apples.
"Hey, Applejack!" Twilight shouted, waving a hoof to get the other mare's attention.
Upon seeing the pair, Applejack smiled and waved, quickly cantering over and saying, "Howdy, Twi, Spike!"
"Good mornin', Applejack," said Spike.
"What's up with yer voices?" asked Applejack. "Spike sounds like he's doin' a bad Rockhoof impression and you sound like ya got a cold or somethin'."
"Uh, yeah. I'm not feeling well," said Twilight. "Listen, this is gonna be a bit weird, but humor me for a moment, okay? What do you think of our friends?"
"Hoo-wee, that's quite the question," said Applejack. "Ah mean, of course Ah think the girls are amazin'. Ah wouldn't even know where to start on describing what y'all mean ta me."
"Okay, that's great, cool story," said Twilight. "What I mean is, 'do you think they're normal?' Like mentally speaking? They're not crazy, are they?"
"'Course they ain't crazy!" Applejack said, an appalled look on her face. Then she stopped and tapped at her chin with a hoof. "Well, maybe Pinkie Pie's a bit off, but it's all in good fun."
"Lord knows I can handle a weird Pinkie Pie, so no problem there," said Twilight. "Now, second question, and this one is arguably more important, what do you think of Princess Celestia?"
A somewhat solemn look appeared on Applejack's face. "No offense to you, Twi, but I think ya feel the same way. She's the best princess Equestria could've ever had. Ah'm right sad to see her retire."
Twilight was taken aback. "Hold up!" she said. "Let me get this straight. You're telling me that Celestia is retiring?!"
"Um, yeah," said Applejack.
"In that case, I don't need to hear any more." Twilight turned to her assistant, a huge smile on her face. "Spike, we're staying!"
The dragon was beaming as well. "Aye told ya Aye had a good feelin' about this one!"
"Stayin'?" The two looked back to Applejack. In their excitement, they had almost forgotten that she was present and could hear their conversation. Applejack continued, "Ya mean y'all're stayin' fer lunch or somethin'?"
Twilight blinked. "Uh, sure, that's what I meant. Why not?"
Applejack nodded. "Alright, Ah was just about ta whip up some toast. We've still got a bit of the Zap Apple Jam left over from the last harvest. Ah reckon' there's enough fer the three of us. Come on in!"
The two mares and dragon walked into the Apples' home. Twilight and Spike admired the rustic, down-home interior as they contemplated how much improved their lives were about to become in this version of Equestria. Applejack gestured for the two to take a seat on the couch while she went into the kitchen to prepare lunch.
When the Earth pony was out of sight, Twilight leaned toward Spike. "It worked, Spike," she whispered, her voice giddy with excitement for what felt like the first time in years.
"Aye know," he said. "You're a princess. Our friends are normal. Celestia isn't gonna torment us anymore. Aye can hardly believe it only took two jumps to get to a universe as good as this!"
The two leaned back on the couch and gave a contented sigh. This plan had been desperate and far-fetched from the get-go, but everything had turned out alright in the end. If anything, Twilight only wished that she had done this sooner.
After a few moments, Applejack poked her head back into the room. "Twilight, Spike, what can I get y'all ta drink?"
"Aye suppose ya probably have some apple juice," said Spike.
The mare laughed. "Yes, Spike. Ah do have some apple juice." She then looked at the alicorn. "And Twilight?"
"I know it's a little early in the day, but you got any vodka?"
It took a moment for Applejack to respond. She seemed rather perplexed. "Uh, no... Ah don't reckon' Ah do."
"Really?" Twilight sat up a bit. "Huh. Well, if you're outta vodka, I guess some of your extra hard cider will do in a pinch."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Whatcha mean by 'extra hard' cider?"
"You know, that special cider you make that's more than 25% alcohol by volume."
"Alco-what now?"
The smile on Twilight's face faltered. "Hehe, you're... you're joking, right?"
"Jokin' about what?"
"Oh my God, you don't know what alcohol is," Twilight said, a look of utter terror on her face.
"Is this here some highfalutin term for somethin'? Like how Rarity always says those fancy Prench words instead of just talkin' normal?"
Twilight's left eye twitched. For a while, she neither spoke nor moved. Her brain was failing to process the reality of this reality. It took Spike shaking his friend's shoulder to bring her back.
Putting a fake smile on her face, Twilight said, "Okay, well, this has been great. Super good to talk to you, Applejack. Fun times all around." She looked back to her assistant. "Spike, will you please give me the Chrono-Carrot?"
Groaning, Spike said, "Aw, come on, Twilight! This world is a paradise! Sure, it doesn't have alcohol, but don't ya think you could at least give it a chance?"
"Spike," said Twilight. "if we're gonna cross untold distances of space and time to find someplace better to live, then by God, there have got to be some minimum requirements, and there is one rule we absolutely have to stick to above all others:
"If the booze quits, Carrot!"
Author's Note
Yes, it's another Feghoot Festival entry.
Unfortunately I didn't have much time to work on this. I wrote the majority of it in one sitting today (the last day of the contest), but I wanted to get something in and this idea seemed fun to me.
Also, speaking of accents, I realized that the pun may not work well depending on where the reader is from. I'd imagine in some places "Carrot" and "wear it" may not rhyme, but I can't help that. Besides, the MAS Twilight speaks with an American accent, so it works for her.
Now my author's notes are getting ramble-ly and long, but is that because I have too much to say or is it actually a tribute to the end cards of the original MAS? Maybe a little of both?
In any case, I hope you enjoyed the story!
