"Anon, I want your big, long, thick D."
And there goes all of Anon's "nopes" for the day. His "nope" quota was already fulfilled for the day. Just when he woke up, as well.
Actually, scratch that. His "nope" quota was filled for the week. Probably the year.
Maybe life.
"Listen, Purple Smart, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm not giving my D to anyone on four legs," he grunted. He wiped a hand across his face to try and prepare for the day. If he could drag himself out of bed, that is.
Said Purple Smart responded by lifting off and floating in the air. The "smart" part of her name meant something, after all.
Anon scowled. He was really not in the mood for this. Never in the mood, actually. He was consistently out of the mood, never able to gain entry. He was denied access every time, even when he tried to perform the heresy that was a smile.
He was beginning to think this train of thought was unfunny.
"Congratulations, you showed more wit than Sunbutt has in her life. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo." Anon forced himself to slowly slide himself off the bed in a manner that might vaguely resemble rolling to a mentally deficient bat.
Wait, aren't bat ponies an actual thing here? Wouldn't that be considered offensive?
~~I don't know if I should've written that.~~ Heck if he cared. Ponies deserved respect almost as much as he did, and that was saying a lot. It only went further with this "I want your D" thing.
Twilight pouted and tried to look upset. "But Anon, your D is so glorious! I want to hug it and cuddle it..." Then she mumbled in a definitely not suspicious way. "...And stroke it..."
Yeah, this was not happening right now. "Sorry, Grape Juice. My D is my property. I own all rights to it, including commercial reproduction and rights to adaptation. I'm not looking to sell." He tried his best to stand up, and ended up with his back being basically perpendicular. What exactly it was perpendicular to was up for debate, but it was probably something along the lines of "self-respect" or "respect for others". Or "alcohol consumed."
Wait, why would it be perpendicular? That would mean it increased constantly. It should be parallel to x=0.
Dangit Anon, no time for math. Math was for nerds, and no one likes nerds. Especially fanfiction authors. They were just the worst. Wait a minute, what did that make A.K. Yearling, then? If she was Daring Do, but she wrote books about Daring Do, did that make it fanfiction or nonfiction? A self-insert?
Anon's thoughts about the universe's secrets were rudely cut off from Grape Juice's barking. Or what some referred to as "talking", but that was being a slight generous.
"But Anooooonn, Dash and AJ talked about your D so much! They talked about how amazing it was! How much it changed their lives! I need your D so badly!" she pleaded, returning to the ground on her knees...somehow.
Wait...were tears actually streaming from her face? Was she crying?! She was taking this way too seriously.
Anon smacked his hand on his face with an audible *thwap*. "Oh for the love of... Can you calm down?"
Purple Smart blinked away the liquid pride and looked at him straight. "B-but, I want your D, and you just refuse to give it to me. I'll do anything! You want bits? Service? I can offer you my bo-"
Anon immediately clasped his hand over her muzzle and sighed. "Listen, Dawn Twinkle, I appreciate the whole censoring ~~for the sake of the fic~~ thing, but as much as I'm sure you want my D, I'm not looking to do the jiggy with you."
He removed his fingers, crossed his arms, and stretched his back out. "Why don't you go see Shining Armor of Tears? I'm sure he'd love to offer his D."
Twilight shook her head, her mane almost violently whipping Anon in the process. "No, no, no. I already checked with Shining. His D isn't big enough for me. I checked all of my friends, actually. I looked at them very intimately. None of them have a D as big as yours, Anon." She looked up at him with diamonds in her eyes. (Metaphorical, of course. Real diamonds would be very painful.)
Anon was...not even going to begin saying what was wrong with that statement. He decided to completely ignore this travesty to all logic, and move directly to the kitchen, where his best and only friend Mr. Brown was waiting on the counter.
Mr. Brown had many other names. Joe, caffeine, cocoa water, dark sauce, with the most common being "coffee". But honestly, coffee was a name only for true plebs. Anon knew Mr. Brown's true identity, and he would never betray his trust. Mr. Brown had served him through some truly harrowing experiences: a Pokemon evolution of Moonbutt, the "Chaos" Eevee evolution, the Umbreon version of ponies, the Bug-type of ponies, and so on. Mr. Brown had never failed him, and he sur-
"But Anoooooonnnn, your D is the only thing that will satisfy me! I want to gaze upon it and lavish it with my hooves! I want to shower it with attention and praise it like the artifact it truly is!" Grape Juice squatted on the floor and began her Advanced Mode Pouting Procedure in his direction. Her wings made little *flit-flit* gestures, and her hooves seemed to be trying really hard not to beg.
"Look, Princess of Merchandise, I know I'm the only ~~devil~~ ~~demon~~ ~~abomination~~ human here in Equestria, but that doesn't make my D an artifact." Anon stopped and placed his hand not holding Mr. Brown on his hip. Wait, artifact? Even for someone really weird, that doesn't seem like something they'd describe his D as. Magnificent? Yes. Longer than Sunbutt's horn? Of course. ~~Way smaller than it should be? Absolutely.~~ Was she really talking about what he thought she was?
"Hey, Twi, you are talking about my woodpecker here, right?" He gestured to his palm tree and coconuts.
She took on a mask of both confusion and faint disgust. "What?! No! I don't mean that at all! I was just saying I want your D!"
Anon narrowed his brow. "...You were talking about my dictionary, weren't you?" She nodded.
...
FUUUU-
The end.
Author's Note
OH GOD HELP ME
Why don't you go see Shining Armor of Tears? I'm sure he'd love to offer his D.
Jokes.
Like, my thought process with this started with the title and the line "big, long, thick D", and everything else is 110% filler.
P.S. Can you tell I'm out of ideas?