Twilight asked that Smolder talk with Starlight first but that after she could take the rest of the day to herself. She seemed to be doing alright, and maybe she was, Dragons are made of pretty stern stuff. But walking in on a suicide can’t be easy for anycreature.
She’d been complaining about the smell coming from a house near the school and had gone to talk to the pony that lived there. When she knocked the door creaked open a bit and she found the unicorn hanging from a rafter.
A team of volunteers got him down shortly after Smolder told Twilight. He’d been taken away until they could find his next of kin.
This wasn’t right! Somepony had needed her help and she hadn’t been there for them. They were so close and she never even knew. She had to know what was wrong.
What had she missed?
Being a princess it was easy enough for her to get access to his home. A little authority certainly came in handy. The house was empty, but it had been furnished at one time. Scrapes on the floor and disturbed dust showed generally where things had been and what they were.
Her hooffalls echoed on the hardwood floor as she explored. Even with the windows open the sickening sweet stench hung in the air. Investigation was really Rarity’s thing, but this was her responsibility. Somehow she had let this happen.
His bookcase was bare but the dust showed that he had a large collection. What had happened to them? What was he reading?
His kitchen had only a plate, bowl, cup and a single setting of silverware. As she looked she just couldn’t find anything else. The cupboards were bare, the pantry completely empty, nothing at all to cook with. How long was he living like this?
Too long.
It was in the bedroom that she finally found something to tell her what she needed to know. There was a book and pen on the floor by a mattress covered with a single sheet. Twilight took the book and surrounded by everything the stallion had left she began to read. It was his journal.
It seems there’s something happening over at the Library. I wasn’t invited but it sounds fun. I’m sure once a few ponies get to know me I’ll be in on these things.
This isn’t going to be like Sire’s Hollow, everypony is so friendly here I’m sure things are going to get better.
Sire’s Hollow … Starlight’s from there. Maybe she knew something about him. Twilight would have to ask her later. And what was going on at the Library? This couldn’t be from as far back as when she moved to Ponyville, could it?
I met Pinkie Pie … again. That’s okay, she talks to everypony and seems to know so much about everypony else that she’s bound to forget a few things. It was still nice, she even hugged me. I think today was a pretty good day.
Of course Pinkie Pie would have known him, she keeps an exhaustive file on everypony in Ponyville and then some. Twilight made a note to talk to Pinkie about him later. Though she didn’t know how much he would have told her. He probably didn’t want anypony to know how he felt.
So Rainbow Dash is a local hero it seems. I haven’t met her but I’ve seen her flying around. Guess she’s off to help somepony else. I wish I could be anywhere near as cool as she is. Maybe then somepony would remember me.
Get it together. You just have to go around town more often, eventually somepony is bound to remember you.
Twilight looked around the barren room again. There was nothing to show her about who this stallion was, all she had was this. What had happened to all of his stuff?
Cider season again. It’s always nice to wait in line and to talk to anypony who cares to. Rainbow Dash was near the back though and I doubted that there would be enough to get to her so I grabbed a second one from the Apples and brought it back for her. Seeing that smile as she realized it was her’s just made everything so much better today. Even if she never made it to the front of the line at least she got some. Tripped and spilled half of mine, but that’s life. After that, just went home and read a good book. I definitely made the right choice in moving here.
Twilight liked that he had found something nice, but what happened between then and now? If he felt things were better why would he do what he did? She thought she heard a creak as she looked up from the book. Probably just the house.
It’s not Pinkie Pie’s fault. She does a lot around town and everypony likes her. She just has too much to remember. It’s better that she forget me than somepony important. Besides, whenever we meet again she gives me a big hug. That at least makes things better.
“Pinkie’s not that forgetful.” Twilight whispered, catching herself off guard. Why would Pinkie Pie never be able to remember this stallion when she remembers literally everypony else in Ponyville.
Another day. Same as the rest. Walked around town talked to a few ponies. Pinkie didn’t meet me again, though I don’t think she remembered my name. I guess that’s progress. Though that also meant no hug. Don’t whine about that! You don’t need somepony else to make you happy, you’ve got to do that yourself. Just like everything else.
Went home and fixed the bookshelf again. Also moved my chair.
“Why was he so hard on himself?” It didn’t matter to her that she was whispering. She could hear easily enough that she was alone in the house. Something he probably felt all too often himself. She took another breath of that putrid air and kept reading.
Look, I know what everypony says. “Don’t give up hope.” “There’s somepony out there for you too.” That’s simply not true. If it were maybe I would have had even one house guest by now. Maybe somepony might actually be my friend … maybe I wouldn’t be alone.
Come on think about nice things, that should help.
Lyra Heartstrings and Bonbon are a cute couple. Looks like they’re happy just being around each other.
Must be nice …
I hate Hearts and Hooves day.
Wouldn’t be alone? Twilight couldn’t deny that everything here was arranged like he never had any visitors, but that had to be recent. It had to be …
I can’t believe I managed to distract Tirek from those foals! He got my magic but they got away so it doesn’t matter. My hooves are still shaking as I think about it. And Princess Twilight and her friends got everypony’s magic back in the end so everything worked out great. This is probably the greatest day of my life!
Given what happened, Twilight was worried that she had to agree. Unfortunately that may well have been the best day of his life.
I saw Starlight Glimmer walking around today. Starlight Glimmer! We were never friends and of course she wouldn’t talk to me when we were foals. But her best friend had just gone off to magic school so there’s that. She always used to look sad when I would see her, but she seemed pretty happy now so I guess things have worked out for her. I wonder whatever happened to Sunburst. Those two were inseparable. I wonder if he ever forgave me.
So maybe Starlight wouldn’t remember much. But she might still know something more about him or his family.
Forgave him for what?
I thought maybe talking about Princess Twilight’s Friendship Journal would help me make some friends … I guess if you don’t agree with somepony else’s opinion you can’t be friends or something. I couldn’t even have a decent conversation today. I did get a picture of the princess and her friends all together as they tried to calm everypony down. They were all smiling when they were with each other.
Is that what it’s like to really have friends?
Against the page sat a photograph almost like a bookmark. It was slightly wrinkled around the edges and the corners were folded. Twilight’s horn glowed as she picked it up and turned it over.
It was photo of her and her friends just before they started singing. It wasn’t their happiest, but they were supporting each other. Once again he was so close and in so much pain but she completely missed him. He was trying to make friends and just feeling worse after every failure.
How could she be the Princess of Friendship and so clearly have missed this.
Makes perfect sense that the Festival of Friendship would be attacked since I went there. Misery hangs around me like a bad stench. I didn’t get to pretend to be a hero this time. I was captured same as everypony else and locked in a cage. All I could do was tell jokes and stories to anypony who would listen. Things were bad enough because of me I could at least try to make things a little less … me.
Twilight reread the entry and still couldn’t comprehend it. Reading it a third time did nothing to help her understand.
That … That wasn’t his fault at all. How could he possibly blame himself for that? And he was trying to keep everypony’s spirits up. Why was he using himself as a synonym for something terrible?
The Princess is building a School of Friendship almost next door to me. Maybe I should leave so it actually has a chance. I am just a curse to anything good. But I don’t want to go. Clearly I’m the problem, but I can’t help but hope that with the school so near I might be able to make a friend. I don’t think it would be good for me to attend, though. Just in case that causes something terrible to happen. I am cursed after all.
There’s no such things as curses! You’re just a little unlucky. Why do you think it’s your fault? How can you think it’s your fault?!
No, just being near me is enough. The Princess’ school was shut down and everypony was sent home. Why did I even come here? All I’ve ever done is make things worse. It used to be only for me, but now I’m making everypony miserable. I guess I was earlier too it just wasn’t quite this bad. But where can I go that I wouldn’t cause trouble?
“No.” Twilight whispered. “It’s not your fault. None is it was your fault.” A tear of her own joining the already tear-stained pages of the journal.
The used book store was more than happy about me donating my personal library. When they asked why I just told them I was going to be leaving Ponyville and those were just the books I couldn’t take with me. Would Applejack appreciate my honesty? I mean, that’s the truth. I won’t be around much longer.
Getting rid of my furniture was a bit more difficult. A lot of it was in good condition since it had never been used and I got a few bits for it. The stuff I had used more I just gave away and helped move it to it’s new home. It was a lot of work but I think I’ve almost finished tying up loose ends. I don’t need anypony else dealing with my problems.
I donated all the extra bits to the Princess’ School. It’s the least I could do for all the trouble I’ve been. I just hope I didn’t cause any trouble when I toured it. It really is a beautiful place. She’s doing something good for Equestria and I shouldn’t mess it up for her any longer.
“It doesn’t work like that.” Twilight breathlessly said, just trying to comprehend how he could think that it would.
I got myself a couple hayburgers and some fries. I really love those, they say you shouldn’t eat them too often but that really doesn’t matter anymore. I even had seconds. I was stuffed! And just before Sugar Cube Corner closed I went and got myself a cake for later with the last couple bits I had. Pinkie Pie remembered me and even asked how I was doing! A lot better now, thank you. I’m doing the right thing. For once in my miserable life I’m actually doing the right thing. Why else would somepony finally remember me? It must be.
“Pinkie remembered you because she cares. Why couldn’t you see that? It had nothing to do with what you were planning. Why couldn’t you just talk to somepony? We would have helped you. I would have been your friend!” Twilight said, even knowing it was too late and that there was nopony to hear her.
Let me just say sorry to whoever finds me. I realize what you saw must be horrible, but believe me when I say that it’s for the best. I can’t ruin anything anymore now. I’ve left the deed to my home in the back of this journal and it’s yours. So do whatever you like with the home and land. It’s not like it’ll do me any good. But if I might make a suggestion; could you plant some peony on the property. They’re lovely flowers and don’t outlive their welcome.
Happy Hearts and Hooves day.
Goodbye.
Hearts and Hooves day was a month ago … Nopony had even thought to check his home in a month!
After his funeral, attended only by Twilight and her friends, Twilight took the journal and added one last entry. Slowly she closed it and placed it on her desk next to a frame holding a slightly worn picture of her and her friends standing in her castle’s entrance smiling at each other.
I’ll remember you Ashen Mane. I promise.
- Princess Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
Important comment from Antiquarian
To anyone reading this who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know that you can be helped. Your life matters, and the world will be emptier and darker if you are gone. Even if by some twist of fate no one noticed (and it's almost certain someone would know and care), there would still be a phantom pain - an absence that no one would know the source of, but would be felt all the same. We would be diminished by the loss of you. If that wasn't true, then why is it that people willingly choose to spend their days professionally helping complete strangers to realize their own self worth? You matter. Please talk to someone who can remind you of that.
As Forgettable so poignantly says, there are people whose lives you touch in such wonderful ways that you aren't even aware of, and chances for friendship that you don't even realize. Let others teach you how to find them!
If you're not struggling, but you know people who might be, please share this, especially if you write stories dealing with this subject material - I have therapist friends, and they advised me long ago to pass this along in case the content is a trigger for people.
Suicide Hotline: Link
List of International Suicide Hotlines: Link
Thank you for providing these resources that people may need.
