Cataclysm (Of the pun variety)

by The Bricklayer

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Spike, Comedy
Length: 3209

Luna discovers puns. The world is no longer safe. At least if you were to ask Twilight Sparkle on the subject.

Ever since Luna got back from the moon, she's been... readjusting to modern day culture. And Twilight has been all too happy to help. At least until Luna discovered something called the 'Pun'.

Now Twilight is convinced Luna punning right and left is the end of Equestrian civilization as we know it. She's overreacting... right? Well, yes. Probably.

Now, the only question is what will happen first, a punderstorm of lunar proportions or the meltdown of a liberian? Personally, if you were to ask Spike? Pass the popcorn.

Featured on 6/15/19 and on 6/16/19

Published 2019-06-15 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-15 21:30:01 UTC

Punnage Ensues

“...Unbelievable. Just… Unbelievable.” came the mutterings of Twilight Sparkle inside the Golden Oaks library that day. Raising up a shot glass with her magic, she brought it to her lips for what might probably have been the fourth -or fifth time, she was losing count- that afternoon. Hey, it was 5:00 somewhere right? If anyone asked, that was a perfectly reasonable excuse. Knocking back the liquid with a smile, she sighed. Celestia was right, alcohol was indeed a good idea. Granted, Celestia probably hadn’t meant it to be used for this purpose. But everyone was allowed their little quirks right?

“...She’s doing it again isn’t she?” Spike asked as he watched the now frankly quite tipsy Twilight Sparkle contemplate drowning another glass. Personally, he didn’t see what the big deal over Luna’s new… habit was.

Perhaps I should explain. Needless to say, after spending 1000 years trapped inside the moon, Luna’s vocabulary and knowledge of Equestrian customs were… well, a bit out of date. It was just nobody expected it to be this out of date.

Nobody really wanted to speak of the time Twilight had offered to ‘get out of Luna’s mane’ really. Nobody at all. Perhaps this should have come without much of a surprise given the whole Nightmare Night fiasco involving a few burst eardrums amongst other things.

Celestia had tasked her favorite student in bringing Luna back up to speed. Luna was pleased, although there was a bit of a fiasco involving Twilight having to explain that ‘hanging out’ didn’t mean ponies being hung from a pole. Twilight didn’t regret bringing Luna’s vernacular and knowledge up to date, not in the slightest. The Princess of the Night fascinated her to no end. Yes, there were jokes, as there would be and there were ponies talking -as ponies were inclined to do little else- but it was nothing beyond platonic.

Actually, for Twilight, Luna was a window to another time. Certain events were still recent to her, as time had simply stopped for Luna while she was trapped inside the Moon. She could write a whole textbook on the things Luna had seen and lived through. Okay, yes she could simply ask Celestia on history or consult a textbook, but as I mentioned before Luna had only recently lived certain events while for Celestia they were at often times nothing but faint memories.

Luna, for the most part, was taking quite happily to the modern day and enjoying all of it’s newfound -for her at least- curiosities. And there was one she enjoyed above all else. The so-called ‘art’ of the pun.

Needless to say, Twilight was less than amused when a picture frame fell on top of a royal guard and she witnessed Luna saying: “You’ve been framed! Ha ha, clever wordplay!”

As if puns ever counted as clever wordplay in the slightest.

“Luna’s punning again, I mean,” Spike continued taking the shot glasses away from Twilight, whose cheeks were now as red as an apple. “So, what’s the problem? I don’t see the reason to get all bent out of shape about it. She’s enjoying herself.”

“Yes, that may be true, but... “ Twilight murmured whining a little at the wine being taken away from her. “But some of her jokes are just out and out bad!”

“Aren’t puns, by definition, bad?” Spike deadpanned complete with an eyebrow raised.

“Y-Yes, but…” Twilight stammered to herself before answering: “But you should have heard the joke she made yesterday!”

“Enlighten me,” Spike continued not particularly caring for his sister figure taking issue with something so minute. “Go on, please do.”

Going into an almost perfect imitation of Luna’s voice, Twilight said: “The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.” I’m not kidding, she actually made that joke!”

Spike was sniggering. Yes, it was bad. There was just no getting around that. But that was the whole point really. It was meant to make you laugh from just how bad it actually was. Sometimes he was convinced Twilight had no actual sense of humor whatsoever.

“Do you know how tasteless that is?” the mare continued to rant to herself completely oblivious to the world around her. When Twilight got going, she really got going. Spike knew he would have to cut her off soon. “I mean, jokes about d-death! I mean, hello!”

“Oh, lighten up Twilight. It’s all in good fun.” Spike said. He soon regretted his choice of wording.

Once again, going into another imitation of Luna, complete with styling her mane to look a bit like her, Twilight said: “I came home one day and was absolutely delighted to see that all of my lamps had been stolen.” ...Don’t get me started on how many jokes she has about light.”

“Well, this just got dark pretty quickly,” Spike remarked and Twilight gave him an absolutely withering glare making him back up just a little. “Twilight, just a thought if I may? Could it be you’re jealous of Luna for actually having a sense of humor? Just a wild crazy thought here but, uh… Maybe you secretly like these jokes?” the drake suggested.

Again, he wondered if he was the more normal of the two. There was evidence to support this. Goodness knew he didn’t melt down at the slightest inkling of missing a deadline and drive the whole town into a frenzy with a spell. Okay, yeah, that meant he was probably the more normal of the two. Twilight had a tendency to blow things catastrophically out of proportion.

There was a reason he considered ordering Twilight a stress ball at times. Applejack and Rainbow had both agreed with that notion when he brought it up to them.

“Me… Me, like puns?” Twilight asked. “Don’t be silly! They’re not even clever in the slightest. I mean, what happened to good humor like wit and wordplay?” she asked. Spike didn’t even bother correcting her puns were technically a type of wordplay.

“Or maybe you’re just annoyed that they’re not catering to your own particular sense of humor?” Spike asked.

“Nonsense!” Twilight refuted. Spike didn’t really look like he believed her.

“Just a thought, Twi, but maybe you should… get revenge?”

“Get revenge?” Twilight asked and Spike looked at her.

“You know what I mean.”

“Spike?”

“Yes?”

“Hold me, I’m scared.”

Spike could only sigh.

The next day, Twilight found herself in Canterlot for a dinner with the two sisters. Celestia had called it, just to see how Twilight was getting along with bringing Luna up to date. Things were going swimmingly until…

“Twilight, you know what’s great about whiteboards?”

A safe enough question one supposed. But Twilight wasn’t taking the bait, she knew what was coming.

Celestia however, either didn’t or decided to humor her sister.

“Okay, I am curious,” the Solar Regent asked trying very hard to hide her amusement. “What is indeed so great about whiteboards sister of mine?”

Twilight’s head hit the table with a very distinct and rather audible ‘thud’. “Uh-oh, here it comes…”

“Well, if you think about it… They’re pretty re-markable!” Luna said before laughing at her own perceived cleverness. “Ha ha, funny wordplay! See sister, Twilight has brought me up to speed!”

Twilight just wanted to sink into her seat and disappear right then and there. Oh, how she regretted giving her friend that joke book for her birthday.

“So, I see she has,” Celestia smiled. “I’m so glad you’re finally starting to embrace modern day humor…” she trailed off looking at Luna with what seemed to be almost pride in her eyes. Her sister had always been the more… shall we say socially awkward of the two? It didn’t really help her image as this unapproachable figure of the night. In hindsight, she often wondered if she could have done more to improve Luna’s image amongst the populace. Maybe then… Maybe then… Celestia quickly cut that line of thought off as soon as it arrived. That was neither here nor there. The past was in the past, and Luna was now a happy, thriving mare thanks to Twilight and her friends.

“Well, you do have your student to thank for that, as much as she denies it…” Luna returned the smile. “And you know what they say…”

“No, I don’t know what they say sister dear…” Celestia commented all too happy to humor her sister and see her smile. “Please do enlighten me.”

“Denial isn’t just a river in Neighgypt!” Luna remarked with a small chortle seemingly ignoring or missing Twilight’s groan.

The Element of Magic wondered what deity she had offended in a past life to get saddled with this mare who had no sense of comedic timing whatsoever.

“How can this get any worse? Please tell me now…” Twilight asked to any deity who might have been listening. She soon regretted her choice.

“Sister dear?” Celestia started. “Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates germane sausages?”

“Oh Sweet Celestia no… Not you too!” Twilight mentally screamed. She wondered if there was some sort of point to be made here. She highly suspected if Spike were here, he would have suggested Luna put on some sunglasses and have a guitar riff played in the background. Also, sunglasses needed to be added.

“No, I don’t know what she said. Please do tell!” Luna asked.

“He always fears the wurst,” Celestia remarked sending Luna nearly falling to the floor clutching her chest as she laughed harder than any pony in the room had ever seen. The guards would later check in, just to see if something was wrong and ask if their Princess had been replaced by a changeling. A fairly reasonable concern, given the recent border reports. There had been reports of changelings attempting to sneak into Equestria under various guises, and so spells had been developed. Not noticeable ones, but they were there and would out a changeling almost at once if tripped.

“Stop… just stop… Please.” Twilight groaned and both mares looked at her. They stared her down, seemingly silently questioning her. Luna’s was the worst of all. “Just… stop all of this. These jokes aren’t even funny!”

“You… you do not like my puns?” Luna asked as she turned to look at Twilight who almost immediately felt guilty. Were those tears in her eyes? “But… but I thought they made you happy.”

“Yeah?” Twilight nearly snapped. “Well… they don’t.” she murmured to herself.

“I… I see,” Luna whispered looking away. “Perhaps we should just… move on? It appears our sense of humor does us no favors this particular evening.” she continued quite saddened.

Twilight considered Luna’s wording and came to the mind that once again, the wine was a very good problem-solver. It was perhaps an unrelated, but nonetheless important conclusion. To her anyways. Slowly, she refilled her empty glass and slowly once more brought it to the tip of her muzzle and slamming it back with one single gulp.

Then came the look of disapproval from Celestia, and Twilight almost at once felt even guiltier from before. When your adoptive mother figure looked at you like that, you almost at once felt like a little filly having been caught sneaking cookies out of the jar again. Then it came. Twilight knew it was coming, but that didn’t make her any less ready for it. “Twilight, can we talk?” Celestia asked. Leading the young mare away from the table she gave her a stern look once they were out of Luna’s line of sight.

There was a thing about scolding your pupils. Never do it in public, as these were private matters that should stay exactly just that. Private.

“Twilight, is something the matter?” Celestia asked. “Luna… she’s only trying to make you happy. So why do you… Well, why do you take issue with her?”

Twilight stopped. She… she honestly didn’t know. Maybe it was because the puns were bad and she just wanted good humor instead of what jokes Luna was making but this still didn’t exactly excuse her behavior now did it?

Celestia picked up on her silence and nodded to herself. That was all the answer she needed. Twilight continued to think even as she followed Celestia. She was acting… well, she was acting like a right bitch, to be frank. Twilight hated herself, just even seeing the Lunar Princess so upset. She was her responsibility, and here Twilight was screwing everything up and acting like a little foal over something that was in the end so trivial.

Luna really shouldn’t have been treated like some fragile doll ready to break at the slightest provocation, but maybe a bit of this was necessary. The mare was after all still new to these times. She had 1000 years worth of culture and changes to catch up on.

Twilight never honestly regretted the task of bringing the Princess up to date with modern terminology and the like. Actually, she relished in the task as it made her feel like she was helping not just Luna, but her mentor as well. She supposed she brought this on herself really. And in the end, what harm did a few puns here and there do? Even if they weren’t very funny, they made Luna feel like she was adapting to the current day and age. And in the end, that was the entire point of this whole exercise. Make Luna seem more… affable, and friendly. That was what she wanted to be seen as. No, that was what she needed to be seen as. Twilight did remember Luna being looked over for her sister was after all the reason she became Nightmare Moon in the first place.

“Twilight, listen…” Celestia said walking out onto the nearby balcony with Twilight following. She sat down and looked up towards the stars, glittering and shining in Luna’s moonlight. “My sister… she’s very… fragile. You know what she was like when she came back from the moon, right?”

“Yep, and here comes the guilt trip…” Twilight thought. “Not that I don’t deserve it really…” she mused with her mentor’s disapproval over her recent behavior filling her with shame.

“Yeah, I do… Worried, and still living in her own century. Last Nightmare Night was proof of that. She’s still… stunned that ponies actually want to be scared. And here I am acting like a little foal over what are simply jokes. Goddess above, I’m such an idiot…”

Celestia said nothing on this. “It is nothing, my little pony. I just want to see my sister happy, you understand. After I…” here she choked back a sob. “After I failed her once before. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I do. I’m just getting upset over nothing really,” Twilight admitted at last. “They’re bad jokes, but still jokes and therefore I should treat them as such.”

“And maybe that’s the whole root of the issue?” Celestia asked. “You’re just upset the jokes aren’t ‘funny’ per se or at least catering to your particular sense of humor?”

Twilight chuckled to herself and Celestia tilted her head in confusion. “What is it, my dearly beloved student?” the mare had to ask curiosity peaked.

“Spike… well, he sorta maybe said the same thing really…” Twilight trailed off a dawning realization hitting her.

“And did you not stop and think that maybe he might have had a point?” Celestia asked and Twilight nodded weakly. “Well, you know what you must do now right?” she asked and Twilight nodded again before breaking out into a weak smile.

“Well, looks like I’ve been pun-ished.” Twilight sighed before her face fell and she let out a groan. Now she was doing it. Celestia could only smile in approval at this.

“See, it’s not so hard, is it? There’s nothing wrong with puns, is there?”

“I… I guess not…” Twilight murmured.

“As long as they make ponies happy,” Celestia said and Twilight nodded.

“Yeah, as long as they make ponies happy…” the mare repeated before galloping off swearing to amend her earlier mistake.

Luna meanwhile was walking along the halls of Canterlot Castle sighing to herself. Perhaps her attempts to reintegrate herself into modern society were not going as well as she hoped. It seemed for every step forwards she made progress wise, she also took a few steps backward in scope as well. Her attempts at humor were apparently not… well received. Luna fought back a sniffle, it seemed not even winning over Twilight was going to be as simple of a matter as she thought.

Then, she heard galloping and someone shouting her name. Someone familiar. Luna sighed to herself.

“So, Twilight. Come after me even after you hurt my feelings so dearly?” the mare asked with a bit of snide mixed in with her sadness. Twilight flinched. She deserved that much at the very least.

“I… I just came to tell you I’m sorry. I.. I hadn’t realized me being so… dismissive would hurt you,” Twilight sighed. Luna wanted to say something, but then she looked at Twilight’s eyes. Or more accurately, how they refused to meet her own.

“I… I understand Twilight Sparkle,” Luna said in reply. “I must admit, they are pretty bad are they not? But…”

“I know,” Twilight said hugging the taller mare. “I know. Just keep trying, okay?”

“I will. Count on that.” Luna replied. Twilight though even as she watched the mare walk off still felt something was still missing. And then she realized what it was.

“Oh, Luna?” Twilight called out to the Princess of the Night fighting back a smirk. "Do you know why I like bowling?"

“Yes, friend Twilight Sparkle?” Luna asked, looking back at the younger mare. “What is so… fascinating about this bowling activity?”

“I like bowling. Seriously, it’s right up my alley…” Twilight smirked. Luna blinked, and it took a minute but then the laughter came. This time, from both of them. Twilight smiled to herself. She may not be a complete fan of puns, but she supposed she could learn to love them. For Luna’s sake at the very least.

Author's Note

Okay... so yeah. I'm not sure how this one happened really. Probably one of my weaker stories, if I will be honest. Yes, I am happy to let my inner Cat Noir free so to speak, but this was a lot harder than you might have thought to do and I'm amazed I came up with anything at all.

Trust me, making terrible puns is pretty fun, but making them make sense in a story is another matter entirely. Heaven forbid you suddenly have to make a whole sea of puns and make them fit into a story as I did here.

In any case, not quite sure how this turned into a possibly stiff dialogued commentary on Luna's character. Guess that's just how it goes eh? And amazing, no gay horse stuff for once from me! In any case, this was a fun little exercise and I'm so glad to get back to writing short little one-shots instead of my long crossovery tales.

Please do let me know what you think in the comments section below eh?