Author's Note: My subconscious refuses to let me start a new story without having an author's note at the beginning of it. But while we're here, allow me to welcome you to my newest tale of epic fail. A story parodying the superhero genre, as if there weren't already enough of those as is. Basically, I'm just doing this because the thought popped into my head one day and then I decided that I really wanted to write it. I hope you find this entertaining in some way or another for whatever reason. Now let us begin.
Equestria. The land of harmony, magic, and candy-colored equines that look like stuffed plushies you'd win from the inside of one of those claw machines in an arcade. Celestia, those things are money-stealing pieces of... But this isn't about that. In this vast land, there is a large and bustling city known as Maretropolis, which is a pretty ironically named city when you realize there are mostly stallions in it.
This city is one of the largest and most prominent in all of Equestria, filled with large businesses, thousands upon thousands of ponies, and highways filled to the brim with busy cars. Oh, the car thing? I guess I forgot to mention this takes place several hundred years after the events of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Equestria has become quite advanced during these last few centuries. But this isn't about any of that either.
In this great city lives one stallion. Well, not one stallion, but you get my meaning. His name is Stu Gary, stock-broker at the Equine Exchange stock market. He's got about as modest a life as a middle-aged stallion can have: A good job, a nice bachelor pad, and a sweet marefriend. The only thing odd is that he has a narrator narrating over everything he does. Speaking of which...
On a nice Tuesday afternoon, Stu Gary, dressed in a blue suit and wearing a pair of glasses, walks down the busy streets of Maretropolis, heading to his favorite coffee shop to spend his lunch break. As he walks down the sidewalk he passes by a stand with a can full of coins and an elderly mare standing on the opposite side of the stand.
He stops to take a look and the mare gives him a hopeful smile. "Penny for the poor?" she asks.
Stu scratches at his chin as he thinks about it. "Well, I have been a bit short on cash lately. I guess that makes me poor," he says to himself. He smiles as he reaches a hoof into the can. "Sure, I'll take one."
"What? But, sir-"
Stu grabs a penny and sticks it in his pocket as he puts a hoof up. "No need to say you're welcome, ma'am. The penny is quite enough."
The mare is left in shock as Stu walks away, completely carefree and oblivious, whistling a happy, little tune to himself as he does so.
Yeah, Stu isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed... or the most useful.... or the most reliable... by any means. But damn can the guy whistle.
Stu continues his trotting until he comes up to the Cup of Joe's coffee shop, run by a descendant of Donut Joe, Coffee Joe. The bell at the top of the door rings as Stu opens it and walks in. He trots to the front and leans a foreleg on the counter as he gives Joe a smug smile.
"Mornin', Frank." Stu says in a chipper tone.
Joe sighs at him and shakes his head. "First of all, Stu, it's the afternoon. Secondly, I've told ya a million times that my name is Joe."
Stu chuckles. "Whatever you say, Ted."
Joe groans before facehoofing. "Just... what do you want?"
"I'll take a cup of joe, if you don't mind."
Joe growls a bit, taking that line almost as if it were mocking him. He turns back without saying another word as he grabs a paper cup and fills it with the caffeine-filled beverage.
"Don't forget the two lumps." Stu says.
"Don't tempt me." Joe says angrily under his breath.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothin'," Joe turns back around and sets the cup in front of Stu. "Here's your order."
Stu takes the drink in his hoof and gives it a nice, big wiff. "Ah, nothin' like a cup of coffee in the morning."
"It's the after-" Joe stops himself from blowing up as he just takes a heavy breath. "Whatever! Just give me my money for the drink and go."
"Hehe, you got it, Phil," he takes out a bit from his pocket and puts it on the counter before grabbing the coffee and walking off to drink it at a nearby table. He turns back to Joe and waves. "Say hello to the misses for me."
"I'm not even married!" Joe shouts, a bit red in the face.
Stu just chuckles to himself as he pulls up a chair and sits down at one of the indoor tables. He takes a sip of his coffee before he sets it down and starts reading a newspaper that was conveniently placed on the table.
At first it's fine, but his expression drops as he accidentally starts reading the obituaries section. "Oh, that's just terrible." he says to himself.
To no longer be bummed out by the list of deaths, he rips off the page, balls it up, and tosses it into the trash. "Ah, much better." he says, relieved. The page that is behind it also just so happens to be the comics. He begins to read them to lighten his mood. "Hehe, oh Garfield, you crack me up."
Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen.
He continues his reading as there is a sudden flash in the sky outside. Stu is oblivious as he reads his comic while the rest of the ponies inside quickly go to the windows and look out.
"Is that a searchlight from a helicopter?" one stallion asks.
"Is it a magic blast from a unicorn?" a mare asks.
"I bet it's a light from an alien mothership." a colt says.
"Aliens?!" everyone shouts at once in a panic.
"Would you all calm down?" Joe says as he walks up to them. He points a hoof to the window. "Don't you see the big CS? That obviously means it's the Colt Stallion Signal."
Why couldn't they see the CS? The better question is, how can they even see a spotlight in the sky in the middle of the day? Gotta love Equestrian logic, am I right?
At hearing Joe's words, Stu looks up from his comic and out the window to see said signal. He gets a serious expression on his face as he quickly gets up from his seat and heads straight into the restrooms.
Remember when I said that a narrator is the only strange thing in Stu's life? Well, that was a lie to build suspense. A few years back, some toxic waste was dumped into a landfill and got on some birds. One of those birds happened to be flying around lazily and decided to drop a present. It randomly fell on Stu's head and the exposure to the radioactive material turned the average earth pony into a mutant with super strength and flight.
Talk about a real crapshoot.
Rather than doing what most ponies probably would do and abuse the hay out of the powers, he decided to take it upon himself to become a defender for both truth and justice. He decided to become the bold Captain Colt Stallion. Half colt and half stallion to make the stallionliest hero ever. He's so manly he does not even need thick facial hair to prove it. When you think about it, the name "Colt Stallion" doesn't make a lot of sense, but let's just let him have his moment.
Stu heads into the restrooms and goes right inside one of the stalls. Now out of view, he begins to spin around incredibly fast. He spins so fast that the stalls are ripped right from the ground, making one stallion sitting on a toilet and holding a newspaper cower in fear. As he stops spinning, he transforms into his white and blue cape with his insignia of a CS stitched onto the flank, completing his transformation into Captain Colt Stallion.
Would you believe how many times he's been made fun of for the CS? He's been called things like Cat Shi--*whispers* Oh, I'm not allowed to say that? Well, he's also been called Coc-*whispers* I can't say that either? Then what can I say? *whispers* Camal Spit? Damn you, censorship.
Also despite the fact that he wears no mask, the glasses he wears normally are enough to throw off any suspicion of him.
The stallion on the toilet looks over at Captain. "You scared the crap out of me!" he shouts.
"Well, then I guess it's a good thing you were on the toilet." Captain says with a hearty laugh.
Just then, Joe comes bolting into the room, having gotten worried from hearing all of the crashing. He looks around at the destroyed restroom with anger.
"What the buck happened in here?" he shouts.
"Sorry about that, citizen. Must've been something I ate." Captain says nonchalantly.
"Captain Colt Stallion?! You destroyed my bucking restrooms!"
"Well, I hope you have insurance."
"Sure, I made sure to get the "crazy idiot blew up my building" insurance!"
"Great to hear."
"I was being SARCASTIC!"
"What's that taste like?"
"ARGH!" Joe grabs both sides of his head with his hooves in frustration.
"Well, no more time to lose. My city needs me. Captain Colt Stallion!" Captain shouts before shooting up like a geyser and blasting through the ceiling, making some wood and plaster fall down.
Joe runs under the hole and looks up to look at the damage. "Great, now he broke my stalls and my ceiling! Flankhole!" he shouts with a stomp.
He looks over at the stallion from before whose newspaper has blown away to reveal he was actually looking at a Playcolt magazine. The stallion, red in the face from embarassment, just slowly covers his face with the magazine.
High above the city of Maretropolis, Captain soars to the source of the bright signal. He flies so fast that he knocks all of the feathers off of a few innocent pigeons.
He arrives to the rooftop where the signal is literally seconds later to find a few ponies there waiting for him to show up.
He trots up to one of them and looks at him dead on. "Okay, Chief. Give me the details on this call from my lunch break."
"I'm a private, sir. I'm just here to start the spotlight." the cop answers.
"Oh, right." Captain looks at the pony next to him. "Okay, Chief. Give me the lowdown."
The stallion just gives a chuckle. "I'm not the chief, sir. I'm just your friendly neighborhood milk stallion here to deliver you all some healthy, vitamin D filled goodness," he hoofs him a crate of milk. "There you go. Now I've gotta go, but I'll be seeing you boys around." he then turns around and heads to a stairway while singing. "I saw the sign, and it opened my eyes. I saw the sign."
The remaining ponies stare at him in confusion as he disappears from sight. "Why was that guy up here delivering milk?"
A gruff-looking pony growls as he steps up to Captain. "I'm the chief, you two-tailed jackass!"
He smiles at him and waves. "Hey, Chief. Long time no see. How's your family doing?"
"Well, my daughter is just getting out of college and my son won a spelling bee-" he stops as he realizes what he's saying. "Dammit, Captain! We have important matters at hoof!"
"Right, right. What's the situation?"
"We have some sort of insane nutjob at the top of the town's largest skyscraper rigging explosives through the entire thing. We would try to stop him, but he threatens to blow the thing to Tartarus if anypony even gets close or tries to escape."
Captain puts a hoof to his chin as he goes deep in thought. Well, as deep as his thought can go. He snaps his hoof as he gets an idea. "I've got it. I'll fly in from above and get him while he's not looking. I'll try to take him out fast and then evacuate the building."
"Sounds like a plan. May the sisters bless you, Captain Colt Stallion."
"And don't forget to drink lot of milk." the milk stallion says as he pops his head through the door.
"Get out of here!" the chief shouts at him.
"Okay then. Bye Bye." he says with a wave before departing.
Captain gives a salute. "I won't let you down, Chief. Maybe up, left, right, or diagonal, but not down."
He takes off like a speeding bullet, leaving the cops behind as he heads to the skyscraper to stop the dastardly fiend.
He takes no time at all zooming over to the building, ignoring any and all things in his way. Even destroying a billboard promoting the newest DVD of My Little Human: Friendship is Realistic.
He quickly reaches the building to see one feathery figure tying up another smaller, cuter figure and putting what looks to be an explosive device on them.
Captain can't take the sight anymore as he crashes down the rooftop. "Stop, you fiend!"
The figure snickers as he hears who it is. Well, if it isn't my old friend, Captain Colt Stallion." he turns around and Captain glares at him as he grits his teeth.
"Clyde the Clichéd!" he shouts.
"In the flesh," Clyde says with an air of smugness. "So nice to see you again, Captain."
Clyde is about as clichéd a villain as you can get. All of his plans either involve blowing something up or taking a hostage, he wears a red and black suit, and he's a griffon. Wait, does being a griffon mean being a clichéd villain?
"Get on with it, narrator!" he shouts.
Right, right. My apologies.
Looking behind Clide, Captain can see a familiar-looking mare. She looks past Clyde and at Captain with wide eyes. "Please help me!" she shouts, pleadingly.
He looks and recognizes her as Sue Mary, Stu's marefriend. His eyes widen and he takes a step forward. "Don't worry, I'll save you!"
Clyde sticks a talon out. "Ah ah ah. Not so fast, Captain. As you can see, I have a bomb tied to your little friend here that is set to go off in five minutes. Once it goes off, it will set off a chain of bombs I have placed on every floor of this building."
"You maniac!"
"Aren't I though?" he takes two claws to his mouth and blows, making a whistle sound. "Attack my griffonions!"
For the record, griffonions is a combination of the words griffon and minion. Clever, right? Every cliché villain needs minions.
A group of black and red wearing griffons fly up from around the edges of the building, surrounding Captain. As you can tell he's not terribly perceptive, or else he'd have seen them earlier.
He smirks at them. "You need your minions to fight for you, eh? Well, bring it on!"
Two griffons fly directly at him, but he grabs them by the sides of their heads and slams them together. Two griffons from each of his sides throw some lassoes and snag him by the forehooves. He pulls his legs together, pulling the griffons with them and making them collide in the air before he starts spinning around and around, taking out several other nearby griffons.
"What are you idiots doing?! Don't get him a few at a time! Just jump him all at once!" Clyde demands with a whiny tone.
The griffons look at each other before nodding as they all dive in on Captain from all sides. They reach him and form a huge dogpile on him, completely covering him up.
Clide looks at them with a huge grin as he puts his talons together. "Excellent. Guess instead of being Captain Colt Stallion, we should call him... um... eh... I've got nothin'."
Suddenly, the griffons on top of Captain begin to feel shaking from beneath them and start getting very scared.
Clyde raises an eyebrow as the shaking becomes more visible. "Oh shi-"
The clan of griffons explodes as Captain uses his super strength to throw them off, sending one at Clyde and knocking him down.
Clyde picks up the body and throws it. "Get off of me, you peon!" he looks over to Captain and glares at him with all of his rage.
"You upset?" he says smugly.
Clyde growls audibly before bursting into a fit of rage and charging at him. He grabs him by the torso and throws him out into the open.
Captain catches himself before sneering at him. "Throwing? Is that it? I can fly, you know."
"It's not the throwing you should worry about." Clyde says with a smirk as he points at an oncoming helicopter.
Captain looks, but it is too late as his cape gets caught in the blades, spinning him around and around as the helicopter loses control. Due to his powers, he is not cut by the blades, but remains trapped in them. He has no choice but to rip the cape off and ditch the helicopter.
He looks at the descending helicopter before looking at the torn remains of his cape. "Why do I wear this thing? That's the third time this month it's gotten caught on something."
He looks over at the griffon and flies back to him as the helicopter continues spiraling down at an arc.
Over off in town, a large amount of ponies are gathered outside of a building with a large ribbon at the front door.
A very official-looking pony holding a large pair of scissors clears his voice. "Thank you all for coming here today. As mayor of Maretropolis, it is with great honor that I officially open what is now the largest glass wares shop in the history of the world."
Just then, the same helicopter from before crashes into the building just as the mayor is about to cut the ribbon, destroying the entire building and all that is inside with a fiery explosion.
A bunch of ponies take out cameras and start taking pictures as the mayor has steam coming out of his years.
He takes a deep breath before shouting. "BBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
Back over at the skyscraper, Captain lands back down in front of Clyde. "I hope you enjoyed your little flight." Clyde says.
"Well, I hope you enjoy a nice set of barred windows when I'm through with you." Captain says as he pounds his hooves together and takes a step forward.
Geez, and I thought this fight couldn't get any more contrived. What next, a raygun?
"Ah ah ah. Not so fast," Clyde says as he reaches behind his back and pulls out a black raygun. "Allow me to introduce you to my Cliché Ray."
"What in Equestria does that thing do?" Captain demands with a fierce look.
"It fires an indescribable ray of pure energy that burns all it touches. Every villain has one just like it."
Is there just a market for all this stuff for starting villains to go to and buy it?
Clide points the ray at Captain and pulls the trigger, make a 'pew pew' sound while shooting out a burning energy wave that hits him and causes him to reel in horrible pain.
He steps back while being blasted and accidentally goes too far, making him plummet from the building. Clide flies over to watch as his victim falls.
"Very nice to see you again, Captain. I hope to see you next 'fall'!"
Wow, just when I thought this dialogue couldn't get any worse.
Captain, rather than catching himself by flying, continues to fall towards the ground at a raising speed before smashing right into a parked car near the sidewalk.
A stallion from inside a nearby building rushes out and frantically looks over the damage. "You totalled my bucking car! Do you know what I had to do to get that! Oh, those guys from the mob are gonna have my head! Buck, man!"
Captain squirms in pain from the crash as he breaths heavily in exhaustion. "I just can't win. He's too powerful for me to beat."
"Did somepony say something about power?" a random pony says in a very cheery tone.
Captain looks to his right to see a familiar face. "Hey, you're... um... uh... Joe?"
He laughs. "No silly. I'm your friendly neighborhhod milk stallion, and I see you're in quite the pickle. Nothing gives you power and strong bones like vitamin-enriched milk. Why don't you try some?"
He hoofs him a bottle of fresh milk that Captain looks at. His eyes light up as he gets an idea. "Yes, of course. Why didn't I remember this sooner?" he gets up from the rubble of the car and salutes the stallion. "Thanks, I owe you one."
The stallion tips his hat before turning around, off to deliver more of his drink. "I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes. I saw the sign."
Captain bolts off into the sky to meet his foe for one last standoff. Clyde sees him coming in and grits his teeth in frustration.
"You just won't die, will you?" he asks angrily.
"Not as long as my town needs me to defend it from vermin like you." Captain responds.
Clide sticks a claw in his mouth and makes a gagging noise. "Oh, gag me."
"I'll gladly gag you with this!" Captain pulls out the bottle of milk and shows it to him.
The cliché villain gasps in horror. "No! It can't be!"
"Oh, yes it can. You're one weakness, dairy products because you're... lactose intolerant!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Captain pops the top off of the bottle and grabs Clyde by the tail before he can fly away. He puts him in a headlock and forces his mouth open before pouring in the milk.
He lets him go as Clyde's stomach start churning in pain from the dairy. Captain grabs him by the shoulder and finishes him off with one last strong punch right to his gut, knocking him out cold. Clide's body goes limp as he slumps into the shoulder of Captain.
Captain smiles in victory. "A job well done, Captain. A job well done..." he starts rubbing his chin with his free hoof. "Hmm. I feel like I'm forgetting something."
Over back on the skyscraper rooftop, the timer on Sue hits three seconds as she looks out into the air. "Captain Colt Stallion, you useless motherbu-"
Her shouts are cut off as the bombs explodes, setting off a huge chain reaction on the downward floors, making the building and all inside it collapse into nothing but rubble.
Captain looks at the collapsing structure with wide eyes. "Oh... yeah... Oops."
He decides to fly down to the area in front of the once building, now filled with crowds of pedestrians, law enforcement, and news reporters.
"I'm Tom Bucker here with the channel five news team as the Maretropolis skyscraper has just gone down in a fiery inferno." a news stallion says to a live camera. Suddenly, Captain Colt Stallion lands right by him. "It appears that we are now joined by the city's local superhero, Captain Colt Stallion," hesays as takes his mic and puts it to Captain's mouth while he just stares blankly at the camera. "Captain, can you tell us why you were unable to clear out the building and save those inside in time?"
He snaps to attention and clears his throat. "Well, I was busy dealing with this disgusting evil-doer here. I tried my best, but was unable to stop it from happening. It was a sacrifice I had to make to keep this villain from committing any more crimes."
"But we saw you up in the air for at least a minute before the explosion."
He looks at Clyde and points his unconscious body. "I was busy dealing with this diabolic fiend struggling in my grasp. I was only able to stop him literally seconds for before the bombs went off."
"Really? But I could have swore that he was completely knocked out cold a good bit befo-"
"I'm very sorry to have to cut this interview so short, but I must be off. Crime waits for no colt, stallion, or colt stallion. Fair thee well, citizens. Oh, hold on one second." he says before tossing Clyde to one of the lone police officers behind him. "And now I'm off."
He raises a hoof into the air as he ascends and flies away.
The cop with Clyde looks at Captain, then Clyde's body, then his fellow officer next to him. "Why is it we rely on that guy for everything if he always screws it up?"
"He may be a screw up, but he just has such a great smile. How could you not love him?" he answers.
Before flying off, Captain gives a bright, glistening smile to the crowd, making them ooh and ah.
With the villain defeated and the day, um, sort of saved once again, Captain Colt Stallion flies off into the sunset,... which is somehow happening at two in the afternoon.
The end.
