The Cuddle Sickness

by CategoricalGrant

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Royal Guard, Princess Celestia
Length: 3517

Princess Celestia is stricken with a terrible illness that causes her to violently cuddle anypony she can get her hooves on.

A startling situation arises when Princess Celestia begins acting crazily and violently cuddling the ponies around her. Fearing the breakdown of the government, Princess Luna and one of Canterlot's most unfortunate doctors hatch a plan to cure her by letting her cuddle the daylights out of a Royal Guard.

Cover art is by magister39.

EDIT: #2 featured on 6/17!
EDIT: Now with an AUDIO READING by LonelyFanboy48!

Published 2019-06-17 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-17 05:40:02 UTC

The Sickness

Standing behind a two-way mirror, Princess Luna tutted as she observed the pitiful, writhing form of her sister, strapped to the bed in her chambers. Luna’s frown deepened as Celestia’s hooves reached fruitlessly toward the pair of guards standing at attention at the doors.

“Pathetic,” she growled, glaring down at her afflicted sibling from the shadows. “What in Equestria has happened to you, Sister?”

The door to the observation room opened, and an orange-maned, haggard-looking young stallion stumbled inside. “Your Highness,” he grunted in greeting.

“About time!” Princess Luna growled. “I requested your presence hours ago, physicker! Are all members of your profession this discourteous?”

Dr. Function, who had unfortunately had some past contact with the Princesses in the past, rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, and we all have bad hoof writing, too. Sorry I’m late, but I was dealing with the damage your sister left at the hospital. She found her way into the ICU and snuggled the daylights out of a patient on a ventilator.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Besides the ARDS and the three episodes of cardiac arrest? Yeah, the patient’s doing just fine.”

Luna exhaled and pressed an adorned hoof to her barrel in relief. “Well, thank goodness nopony got hurt!”

Dr. Function scrunched his muzzle up, but was unable to bring himself to speak.

“What did you find out about Celestia’s condition?” she continued.

“Well,” he began, approaching the mirror to gaze through, “it wasn’t easy. A search through the national archive network led me to the castle library, where-”

Luna rolled her hoof in the air, urging him to get to the point.

“It’s only in the oldest literature, but it’s a disease known as amplexus infirmitate. It appears to affect only alicorns. Four cases are recorded, and one of those was Princess Celestia herself, more than three hundred years ago.”

“What causes this foul illness?”

Dr. Function scrunched his muzzle up again, even harder this time. “Well, probably...a...virus?”

Luna frowned at him. “...You don’t have any idea, do you?”

“...No…We, uh...Don’t run into this thing that often at the Canterlot Clinic.”

Luna groaned. “Alright, then, what is the cure? We cannot run the kingdom without Celestia for longer than a few days!”

The doctor hummed in dissatisfaction. “There is no cure, per se. No salves or tonics- they didn’t have modern medicine at the time of these case reports, mind you- were effective. The only thing that seemed to do any good was to just, sort of...let them go and cuddle.”

“Really? You let them go and fulfill their strange desires?” she gagged.

Wave Function shrugged. “It seems to eventually end the illness. Again, we’re not going off a lot of information, but it appears to be the best option.”

Luna pursed her lips and hummed. “I think...we don’t have any other option. Thankfully, I shall be able to find a volunteer promptly!”

“Where are we going, Captain?”

“I’m so glad you volunteered for this mission, cadet,” the bat pony mare-in-charge grinned at her subordinate. “You might be a Day Guard, but let me know if you ever want to transfer to the Night Guard, Steel Point.”

The young guard hopped sharply along near the captain, zig-zagging around a corner in the castle with her. “That’s great, but, uh, I wish I knew what I volunteered for.”

“A special assignment,” the captain responded. From his position behind her, Steel Point couldn’t see her sharp fangs gleaming in a wicked smile. “I’m so glad one of you Day Guards was awake for this special assignment Princess Luna has.”

The duo halted in front of Princess Celestia’s chambers. Three sets of guards stood outside of the door, eyeing the newcomers tiredly.

“Princess Celestia’s room? What’s with all the guards?”

Slowly, one of the double doors swung open, and a pair of guards quickly emerged from inside, taking position next to their brethren in the hallway.. With a hard smack on the flank, the night guard captain ushered Steel Point through the doors. Before they shut again, he got a glimpse of his superior’s face; this time with wicked smile, fangs, and all.

Frowning, Steel Point rubbed his rear end and readjusted the golden helmet on his head. He turned back toward the center of the room, and noticed Princess Celestia tied securely to her bed, looking at him with a hungry focus.

Steel Point’s pupils grew to massive sizes as he froze in place, not sure of what to do next as his mind slowly processed the scenario.

“Remove your armor,” a masculine voice sounded over a buzzing intercom.

Steel Point narrowed his eyes. “Who are you? What’s going on?”

“Just take off your armor. This is part of the assignment. Don’t worry, I am a doctor. I promise you’re safe. Well, maybe not ‘safe’...but you’re not in any lethal danger.”

“A doctor? Can you take a look at this mole, for me?” Steel Point lifted up one of his back legs and pointed his rear towards the strange mirrors on one side of the room. “It’s, like, different colors, and I think it might be getting a little bigger-”

“J-just take off the armor, dude,” the voice insisted. “I’ll take a look later.”

“Alright, alright,” Steel Point groaned, unclasping his golden back plates and letting them clank to the ground. “If I can ask a question, since when did the Royal Guard install these two-way mirrors in Princess Celestia’s bedroom?”

“Ask no further questions, page!” a voice that Steel Point quickly identified as Princess Luna’s echoed through the intercom. “Do as you are told!”

With Luna’s cutting orders, Steel Point’s gear removal took on an additional sense of urgency. “A-all done, Your Highness! What do I do?”

“Approach the subject,” the masculine voice came again. “Er… patient. I mean...Princess.”

Steel Point swallowed and took a few tentative steps toward the bed. A deep sense of dread began to well up in his chest; something was undoubtedly very, very wrong.

“Hey, I know you!” Princess Celestia chirped, her body writhing against her enchanted restraints as she tried to get free. “You’re one of my guards! I never noticed how...warm and...fluffy you look. Uhhhhh…” She half-drooled as she stared, the hunger in her gaze only becoming more pronounced.

The guard looked helplessly towards the mirrors, silently wishing for some much-needed guidance.

“Cadet Steel Point, you will be an integral part of my sister’s return to health,” Luna blared through the room’s sound system. “Do not be alarmed.”

The enchanted restraints were released, and suddenly everything around Steel Point became warm, white, and fuzzy.

After struggling for a few moments, a gray field spread across his vision, and he lost consciousness.

Day 1

Steel Point gasped and awoke to an ornate room, dimly lit by a few rays of the morning sun streaming in from between what appeared to be dark curtains.

Sighing, Steel Point sat up and was promptly yanked back down onto something balmy and very, very fluffy.

“There he is!” a smooth, regal voice cooed from only a few inches away. “Good Morning, dear!”

Before he could respond, a muzzle pressed itself into the side of his face and roughly nuzzled him. He squeaked in surprise. “H-huh? Wh-what!?”

“Mmmmmhmm,” the voice hummed into his ear, her gold-adorned hooves gliding over his tummy. “I wish I knew how huggable you were, I would have made sure that you were assigned guard duty for my chambers…”

Steel Point craned his neck up. “P-Princess Celestia…?”

The blushing face of Equestria’s eldest ruler smiled back down at him. “That’s me! Hi!” Unfurling her long wings, she wrapped them snuggly around his body. “What’s your name, cutie? I’m sorry that I don’t remember!”

Steel Point’s body began to heat up as he wiggled, finding he could barely move his body beneath the feathery embrace. “I’m, uh, Steel Point.”

“Oooh, so macho!” she giggled, running a hoof up to squeeze his foreleg. “You are going to get snuggled like you can’t imagine…”

“A little help!?” Steel Point offered to anyone that might be near enough to hear.

The intercom buzzed to life again. “Princess Celestia is...sick, and she needs somepony to cuddle in order to recover,” the mysterious doctor explained. “As I recall, you volunteered.”

“I didn’t know what I was volunteering for!” came the immediate protest.

“Just relax! I don’t know how long this will take, but it’ll probably be less than a month.”

“A month!?” Steel Point groaned, collapsing deeper into his pony cocoon. “Can I at least use the bathroom?”

“Oh! I’ll come with!” chirped Celestia, hopping out of the bed with one foreleg still holding her new cuddle buddy. She dragged him towards her attached bathroom, his back hooves dragging on the ground.

“Hey, stop! Y-you can’t come in with me!”

“Oh, don’t be silly! Of course I’m coming in with you!”

Day 2

Steel Point lay on his side, Princess Celestia’s hips pressed against his from behind and her forehooves fondling his tummy and barrel. “I’m so booooored!” he groaned, startling the Princess.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” she cooed into his ear. “I noticed you weren’t very into our little snuggle session- tell you what, let’s change positions!”

Celestia quickly rose to her hooves and rolled her guard from his side onto his back. Startled, he flinched and drew his hooves over himself in a vain shield. “N-no! Please, I-”

The Princess hopped slightly, pulling her hooves away from the mattress and allowing her weight to naturally fall down on Steel Point, crunching him against the bed. She ignored his moans of discomfort as she happily rubbed her stomach and chest floof against him, grinding their coats together. “Ahh! A change of perspective is always refreshing!”

Steel Point, after a moment’s effort, managed to snake his head out from under Celestia and burst forth into the room’s air again, taking a number of deep breaths. “Y-Your Highness, is this really necessary?”

She gasped in surprise. “It absolutely is! I have an overwhelming, indefatigable need to feel a pony pressed against me!” Punctuating her statement, she wrapped her hooves around his neck and pressed his face forcefully into her chest floof.

He struggled for a moment before simply going limp. Defeated, he wrapped his forehooves around her torso and hugged her.

Day 5

Inside the mysterious, secret room attached to Celestia’s quarters, a disheveled, unshaven Dr. Wave Function stared at the ceiling, his mouth agape in boredom and sleep deprivation. Suddenly, the door to the room slammed open as Princess Luna stomped angrily inside.

The doctor didn’t move.

“Are you not ashamed to be slacking on the job!?” Luna accused, frowning deeply. “We are not paying you to stare at the ceiling!”

“You’re not paying me at all,” he mumbled.

“Exactly, and therefore are not paying you to stare at the ceiling! I thought that you practitioners of the medical art were supposed to be smart?”

Dr. Function weakly raised a purple hoof to point through the two-way mirror. “They don’t need constant observation. She’s just been aggressively spooning him for the last 16 hours.”

Pouting, Luna considered his statement. “Very well. I suppose you’re at least at your station.” Using her magic, she rolled over an office chair and took a seat next to the doctor in front of a small control panel. “Have the treatments been making any progress?”

“I haven’t seen any change in the patient’s disposition, although I can’t be sure without a full blood workup.” Groaning, he looked forward and rubbed his eyes with his forehooves. “Sorry for being a little out of it; I’m used to 26 hour call shifts, but this whole experience is new to me.”

“Fall asleep and I shall visit you with night terrors,” she quickly threatened. “What of the guard? Is his constitution failing under sister’s constant assault?”

“He’s struggling a little, to be honest,” he answered, casting a sympathetic glance over at the pony being fondled by Celestia. “I think we should switch him out for somepony else soon.”

“Nonsense, we only allow the toughest ponies into the guard. If he dies it is his own failing!”
Dr. Function pursed his lips, then narrowed his eyes. “Wait a second...You’re Celestia’s sister! And a powerful alicorn yourself! Why aren’t you the one cuddling her?”

Luna clopped her hooves together. “It’s because, I, uh...Do not know how to cuddle...Yes. That will suffice.”

“You don’t know how to cuddle? Really?”

Princess Luna’s eyes shiftily darted back and forth across the room in a rather suspicious manner. “I have...no idea,” she lied, her muzzle scrunching up.

Day 7

Steel Point winced as Princess Celestia continued to pepper his face with kisses. The days, hours and minutes of this ordeal had all blended together: he slept in short segments of under an hour, only when he could, and at all times kept his lungs well oxygenated, lest he be shoved into fluff or flank and be suffocated. Above all, he simply felt dirty, as a week pressed against each other without bathing had led to the thickening and mingling of his and Celestia’s scents together in a thick fog that seemed to persist throughout the whole bedroom.

“Ah! I can’t help how hold-able you are!” she cried. Her magical tail wrapped around him, tying his body against hers in a vice that gave him little hope of escape.

In the haze of Steel Point’s mind, a sudden pinprick of light broke through, and his eyes widened with hope. “Y-Your Highness?” he asked cautiously.

“Yes, my little munchkin-wunchkin?”

Steel Point placed his hooves on her cutie marks in an attempt to curry favor. “C-could we spoon? With me as the big spoon?”

Princess Celestia squealed in delight. “Yes! Ten million times yes! Oh, I am so excited!” She rolled over on her side quickly, exposing her back toward him.

Immediately, Steel Point leapt from the bed. His now-weakened legs barely being able to sustain the impact of his landing, he charged toward the door in a bid to make his escape. He charged, and charged...and charged…

His eyes widening, Steel Point looked downward to find that his whole body was suspended in the air by Celestia’s magic.

Flying through the air back to the bed, he slammed into the mattress and found his limbs magically compelled to wrap around Celestia.

“Cozy!” she purred, as she used her magic to mash her guard into her back.

Day 11

Steel Point awoke with a start, realizing that something was wrong. Looking around Celestia’s dark chambers, he realized that he was feeling pretty good. Almost as if he was...well-rested.

He looked upward to find he was lying against the chest of Princess Celestia as she dozed, her hooves gently holding him. Something warm stirred inside his heart for the first time since he had entered the Princess’ chambers many days before.

Gently, he placed his head back down on her barrel. Something was strange; he felt relaxed. “P-Princess Celestia?”

She stirred softly, whinnying. “Hm?”

“Princess?”

She opened her eyes, and smiled softly down at the guard. “Good Morning, Steel Point.”

“I...I feel good. You must have let me sleep?”

Yawning, Celestia tightened her grip on him. “Mmmm...I guess I fell asleep myself. I’m feeling good myself, but… a little confused, for some reason.”

Raising a shaking hoof to her mane, Steel Point brushed it behind one of her ears. “W-while we keep cuddling, do you want to...talk?”

Meanwhile, in the observation room, Dr. Function had shot up from his chair. “Holy shit, that’s a change in neurological status! Luna, are you seeing this?”

“We are out of styrofoam cups,” she complained from the other side of the room. She opted instead to bring the coffee pot directly to her lips.

Day 14

Sitting side by side with their flanks touching, Princess Celestia and Steel point waited in silence on the bed. Anxiously, she clopped her forehooves together. “I...I don’t know what came over me, to be honest...I still want to cuddle, badly, but, for a while I couldn’t even control myself!”

Steel Point reached over with a hoof and wrapped it around one of hers. “It’s okay, Your Highness,” he reassured, resting his head against her. “You were sick, remember? And you needed this to get better.”

Celestia sat quietly for a moment, pondering something. “D-Do you think that maybe in the future...we could cuddle, even if I’m not sick?”

Steel Point nuzzled her soft coat, and then craned his head back to look into her eyes. He smiled. “I think-”

The doors to Celestia’s chambers swung open, and Dr. Function entered, Luna following along. “Yes! Who is the greatest physician on this side of Whinneighsota? It’s me!” Skidding up to the bed, he leaned forward to study Celestia with an analytical gaze. “Princess, I’m going to have to interview you. This is the only case of this illness in modern times, and I can publish a case report in one of the top journals!”

Princess Luna used her magic to grasp the doctor’s tail, and pulled him away from the bed. “Yes, well, the important thing is that sister is all better and can get back to actually running the country. After all, she, and this guard, got a nice little vacation. If only I could take two weeks off and lounge around in bed cuddling all day!”

Having recovered, Dr. Function spoke up. “Yeah! Could you imagine? Two weeks of ‘sick’ leave, without feeling ill in the traditional sense! And you just get to snuggle up in the warm embrace of somepony, sleeping and just, like, whispering sweet nothings, and…”

Wave Function and Luna shared a brief glance. Then they looked at Celestia and Steel Point, still seated on the bed. Then back to each other.

“Doctor, I am feeling a great condition of malaise suddenly fall upon me,” Luna remarked.

His eyes widening with understanding, he scurried over to her. “Could you describe the sensation to me?”

“I’m feeling extremely affectionate and aggressive for what appears to be no reason, and certainly not on the basis of any form of slothful self-interest. In fact, I am feeling that I will make physical contact with you in a strange situation.” With that, she clambered onto Dr. Function’s back, wrapping her hooves around his neck and nuzzling into his mane.

“Ooooh, nooo,” he gasped. “It’s happening again! I’ll have to, uh, quarantine her!”

“My room is around the corner on the left,” Luna directed with a hoof. “Just changed the sheets, thick, fluffy comforters. I hope you like it cold.”

Stumbling slightly under the weight of the slightly larger Princess, he followed her directions out of the room, the other ruler and her loyal guard watching curiously as they left.

Author's Note

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Prelude

Dr. Wave Function paused just outside of a patient room, his eyes furiously scanning a chart held in front of his face by his magical aura. “N-no way…” he muttered, his gaze fluttering back and forth even faster over the page.

“Way,” a nearby, gray-coated nurse nodded. “See for yourself.”

He glared skeptically at her for a moment, before stowing the patient chart in his white coat and entering the room. “Hello?” he called, walking through a short hallway and into a patient room. A large, white alicorn lie on the bed inside, struggling fruitlessly against a security pony and two stallion orderlies holding her down. “Your Highness? My name is Dr. Function! Can you tell me what brought you in to the hospital?”

Princess Celestia stopped struggling against the strong hooves pinning her against the mattress and smiled softly at the doctor. “Oh, my, a cute doctor...You look soft!”

Wave Function blushed and scrunched up his muzzle. Clearing his throat, he continued. “Ah, well...Yes, I guess. I heard that you’ve been trying to cuddle ponies all day, is that true?”

“Uh huh!” she declared with a wide grin. “I got to cuddle lots of my lovely subjects in the hospital.”

A cold shiver ran down the physician’s spine as he shined a penlight into the Princess’ eyes to check her pupils. “No signs of drug use. Odd…” he muttered quietly to himself. “Okay, Your Highness, I’m going to check your heart now.”

Princess Celestia giggled and wiggled her eyebrows as he pulled out his stethoscope. “You’re already making my heart beat fast,” she snickered, puffing out her floofy barrel.

As soon as his stethoscope touched her coat, Princess Celestia’s horn flared with a powerful golden magic, shooting the orderlies back against the room walls. Immediately, Princess Celestia’s hooves wrapped around Dr. Function’s neck and pulled him tightly into her coat. Her wings unfurled and enveloped him even deeper not long after.

“MMGHMGMHHH!” Wave Function’s muffled scream echoed through the room.

The orderlies stumbled quickly to their hooves and scrambled back over to pry the doctor free.

“Ahhh!” Princess Celestia hummed in ecstasy. “You’re sooooo warm!”