"It's not fair! It's just not fair!!" Scootaloo exclaimed in intense anguish, as she ferociously slammed the door to the clubhouse.
"We've tried everythin', but your parents just don't wanna listen!" Things must be pretty serious when the usually optimistic Apple Bloom seemed ready to pack in and give up. "You got any ideas over there, Sweetie Belle?"
"Yeah, I have actually..." The miniature unicorn looked around with trepidation at the vibrating wooden structure quake all around them. "...Don't smash the front door when you close it! It's terrible that you might be leaving home Scoots, but don't destroy ours while you're at it. This place wasn't exactly designed to withstand that kind of pressure, you know!"
"I'm sorry Sweetie... it's just that I'm so... AARGH!" Scootaloo finished her sentence with an incoherent yelp, before faceplanting her head onto the nearest table. "Can't they see, that no matter where I go, I'll never find friends as perfect as you two? Don't they realise how rare it is, for all of us to have exactly... well, almost the same Cutie Marks? Can't they tell my job here is just as valuable as the one they have at Shire Lanka? I-I just wish... t-there was some way... I-I could..."
But just before Scoots and her compadres could escalate their ongoing funk into yet another watery blubfest, the (just about intact) door creaked open once more, heralding the arrival of yet another visitor. At first though, as absorbed as the Crusaders were in their mutual despair, they didn't quite detect their guest's presence... until said individual (who hated to be ignored) let it be known in no uncertain terms she was there.
"Are you three weirdoes going to be down in the dumps all day long?! I thought you'd all be sickeningly happy, with Scootaloo's parents here to scare us all stupid with their icky swamp creatures during the middle of class. I swear, if I see just one solitary strand of fur on my mane has turned grey as a result of the shock, I'm going to be suing your little troupe for a lifetime's supply of hair dye! My Daddy has only the best lawyers, after all. Just ask the fool who tried to open a 'Barnyard Barters' in Fillydelphia. You'll find him in the queue for the soup kitchen, sobbing his little... h-hey guys, I was just kidding! I would never do that to you three, not after all you've done for me!"
"S-Sorry, Diamond Tiara..." Apple Bloom blew her nose whilst addressing the jewelled-headdress sporting one, who'd wandered in unexpectedly to tease them good-naturedly. "We can't be very good hosts today, I'm afraid. It's jus', we have a bit of a problem on our hooves, an' we don't know what to do about it."
"...So if you've come over to ask us to help you out, then we apologise, but for now the 'office' is closed." Sweetie Belle remarked, as she gamely fought with her farm friend for the last tissue. "We'll let you know as soon as it reopens, but for now we're sorry to say you're on your own. J-Just like me and Apple Bloom soon will b-be..."
"...Hey Diamond, I just thought. We haven't heard you speak for ages, not even in lessons. Did you have laryngitis, or something?" As preoccupied as Scootaloo was with her own issues, she had a prominent question in her mind that needed answering.
"Okay, if you must know, me and Twist have been taking part in a contest who can stay silent the longest in school. A competition I won when your crazy parents brought in that alligator creature and caused her to scream so loud my brain nearly exploded. So, if that ridiculously dangerous stunt had any positive effect at all, then that would be it." Diamond Tiara informed them of the truth behind her long held 'vow of silence.' Now then, as regards your current problem, if you tell me what it is, maybe I can..."
"Wait jus' a sec. You've barely said a word for all year long, includin' passin' up the chance to get the answers right in class... just to win a bet against Twist?" Apple Bloom was so taken aback at this sudden revelation, she temporarily halted her sniffles to glance up at the pink filly in surprise. "No offence Di, but that does sound kinda dumb."
"No wonder Silver Spoon's been looking so annoyed lately, she must've been going out of her head trying to talk to a brick wall." The whole charade reminded Sweetie Belle of Pinkie's bizarre habit of nattering away to a non-communicative Gummy, something else she could never quite grasp. "What exactly was the point in doing something so... pointless?"
"Well, if you call winning enough candy canes to squeeze under my four-poster bed 'pointless', then I suppose you're right." Diamond snorted at what she perceived as a lack of recognition of her hard-fought efforts. "And don't worry about Silv, she understands. I'm sharing the booty with her, after all. Haven't you noticed, by our frequent trips to Sugarcube Corner together, that we both have incurably sweet tooths? I'm just glad Twist didn't win: it would've been so inconvenient to have to buy a whole new wardrobe when the sales aren't even on."
"Oh, I don't have time to hear all this!" Scootaloo suddenly announced, standing up and flapping her wings in undisguised frustration. "I have to find some way of staying in Ponyville, and not be forced to take a train journey every month just to say hello to my friends. If only there was some way I could convince my parents to move here, instead of settling on the other side of the world! It's not fair! It's just not..."
"Hang on... is that all that's troubling you?" Diamond Tiara interrupted Scootaloo's ongoing refrain to raise an eyebrow at what she seemingly thought was just a minor difficulty. "I get left alone all the time when my parents travel around for business and parties, and you don't hear me complain! What's their problem, can't they just respect your wishes?"
"Di, not everypony here has an acrobatic butler to take care of them when their parents have vamoosed!" Apple Bloom rolled her eyes slightly at what she saw as the pink filly's abundant wealth shielding her from the harsh realities of life. "...An' this fact should be obvious, but It's against the law to leave somepony of Scoots' age on their lonesome without adult supervision!"
"Yeah, we'd let her live at the clubhouse ourselves, if we were allowed to." Sweetie nodded in turn, as thoroughly fed-up of the situation as her farm friend. "But then Mr and Mrs Scootaloo would come and when we wouldn't let them in, they'd call the police and they'd bring battering rams and stuff, and as we've already seen, this clubhouse can't cope with much more punishment."
"Um, Sweetie I don't think things are going to get quite that desperate..." Scootaloo balked a little at her unicorn buddy's trademark overactive imagination. "...But I agree, we have to do something. I might have asked to go and stay with my aunts instead, if they weren't away nearly as often. Plus, they're so lovey-dovey around each other, I'd probably puke myself to sleep every single night. Yuck!"
"Now, hold on there a second you three..." A cringing Diamond Tiara put her hoof to her head as if trying to prevent the onset of a headache. "... Running around blindly without a clear plan and causing yourself unnecessary worry isn't going to help anypony. If going to my Daddy's store for 'Bring Your Daughter To Work' day has taught me anything, it's that 'panic and stress are the enemies of progress'. It's written in big letters on a plaque engraved on his desk, you know. Anyway, what we need to do right now is calm down, make ourselves a refreshing cappuccino each and rationally go over all our options using all the spreadsheets and diagrams we have available 'til we reach a breakthrough. We'll stay all evening if we have to, so I hope you're a bunch of 'night owls' who are good at 'burning the midnight oil'..."
"W-Well the only 'owl' I know is Owlicious, an' we ain't seen head or feather of him since the construction of the Castle Of Friendship." Apple Bloom spoke truthfully, as indeed the knowledgable bird of prey had apparently vanished into thin air long ago.
"...And the only 'burning' I'm good at is frying the s'mores to a crisp whenever we have a campout together." Sweetie blushed at revealing her complete ineptitude with wielding a sharp stick and marshmallow.
"Also, we're fresh out of 'cappuccinos', whatever those things are." Scootaloo pretended to rummage around in the cupboard for something she'd never heard of. "All we have is watered-down apple juice. Juice, and stale cookies. Do you think those'll be enough for a 'breakthrough'?"
Upon hearing the rather limited facilities on offer for such a crucial board meeting, the trio of Crusaders bit their hooves nervously as they waited for an answer from their former nemesis. Diamond paced up and down the wooden floor, mulling everything over in her head, until at long last, just when everypony there was about to crack under the tension...
"Alright, you're on. It'll be the toughest challenge I've ever faced, especially considering the... unique set-up you have here in lieu of a proper conference hall. But I didn't come this far to quit now, so let's get our heads together. Apple Bloom, get the juice. Sweetie, grab the cookies. Scoots, take a load off and tell me everything. Let's do this, and seal the deal once and for all."
..............................
It was turning out to be a perfect day so far for one Spoiled Rich.
Not only had she woken up minus the microscopic zit on her cheek which had been plaguing her for simply days, she'd also managed to browbeat (some might say emasculate) her 'beloved' Filthy out of over a thousand bits for a brand new boater hat(!) and now looked to spend a delightfully charming morning at the local spa.
I should really be at work, but they won't miss me. It's not like I do very much there anyway, besides sit at my desk and criticise everything. Life is such a breeze, when you have the means Spoiled thought to herself smugly, as she smoothly avoided the unwanted affections of Lotus Blossom and Aloe whilst making her way straight to the steam room.
Wrapped in a hot towel and humming a classical ditty on her approach, Spoiled's carefree trot to her destination was stopped dead in its tracks by the horrible sight that lay before her.
And no, for a change, it wasn't her reflection.
"What the... why, the sheer cheek of it!!" She humphed petulantly, at the ten or so ponies that had dared rise a bit earlier to take her rightful place at the front of the queue. "Don't you impertinent imbeciles know who I am? I'm Spoiled Rich, the wealthiest mare in this backwater town! It's honour enough that I should deign to frequent this shabbily run health club with my glorious presence, especially when I have my own specialist steam rooms at my super-spacious mansion! We're having organic daisy soup prepared by the finest chefs tonight for din-dins, you know. With croutons!!"
"Well, if it's so wonderful there and you have your own amenities, why don't you use them instead of bothering us every single morning?" Now usually it was the done thing to ignore Spoiled until she ran out of 'steam' (little spa joke there) and gave up. But, fed up as she was with having to suffer the same foalish performance every single day, one of the bolder mares present decided to step up for a change. "Or you could just, ya know, wait your turn."
"W-Wait my... turn?!" Spoiled reacted as if she'd been asked to give up her prize cashmere coat, and she almost foamed at the mouth with anger as her temperature became hotter than the pipework down below. "I-I've never heard such rudeness in my entire life! Y-You worthless little... just you just wait until I tell my husband... you dare defy me... I'll see you in court, where I'll take every solitary bit..."
But just as the brave mare who'd spoken out was being stared at with annoyance by the quieter patrons there for starting this tantrum, and Spoiled herself was about to ruin the day for everypony by screaming the roof off for not getting her way, a very strange, unexpected thing happened.
A orangish pegasus with a blonde mane flew out of nowhere to lasso the stomping and swearing Spoiled around all four legs, bringing her crashing unceremoniously to the ground. Next, a brown stallion with a purplish mane stood at a safe distance to take pictures, a big unremovable grin plastered on his face.
So surprised was Spoiled by this turn of events that her petulant outburst stopped, but only momentarily. Soon she was back to her profane best: threatening everypony there with lawsuits, saying she was going to have this 'stinking' place closed down for good, telling them all their children would suddenly for no good reason be expelled from school, etc. As usual though, it was all smoke, without any trace of fire.
"Wow, you were right Scootaloo! I haven't seen a monster this vicious since we caught the Brutal Blood Beast of the Badlands hundreds of moons ago!" Mane Allgood commented in amazement, as she went to gag the creature to try calming it down. "...And he was much more docile. Did you say she was able to find a breeding partner, as well? Unbelievable!"
"Hook nose, permanent scowl, sharpened fangs... I've never seen such unique facial marks on an equine life form, either!" Snap Shutter remarked in awe, making sure he got all the pictures catalogued he needed for posterity. "We'll be the toast of the town at the next big Adventurer's Society Ball, when we show them evidence of this abomination! Apologies to you Miss Daring-Do, the trophy is ours this year!"
At that moment, four fillies emerged from the same corner the older ponies had come from, but only the young pegasus had anything to say. "D-Does this mean you'll..."
"Yes, we'll stay now, my darling." Mane Allgood nodded, as she expertly trussed up her recent capture with a bit more rope. "...For a few months at least, anyway. We must document this amazingly fresh discovery with great thoroughness and research. Then when everything is over, who knows? Maybe we won't want to leave by then."
"I'm so glad that we believed you my dear, and this didn't just turn out to be another false alarm like that 'banshee beast' you made up earlier." Snap Shutter nodded happily at his daughter and her friends to let them know that all was forgiven. "Now we have to head off, as we have many hours of study to find out the secrets behind this natural phenomenon. What does it eat? Why is it so attracted to shiny objects? And why does its offspring appear so comparably... normal?"
"Hey, Daddy told me that you had to bring her back in time for dinner! And no biopsies... she's had more than enough unnecessary surgical procedures as it is!" The 'offspring' Diamond shouted after the pair and their struggling quarry, before turning back to her friends. "There we go, I guess that makes us even for that whole 'helping me change my ways and discover the true meaning of my cutie mark' thingie you did a while back. 'Thank you DT', 'you're welcome, Crusaders'... shouldn't we be having this conversation right about now? Honestly, I don't know why I even bother sometimes..."
But Diamond's mutterings of under-appreciation were quickly extinguished when she saw the sparkling eyes of everypony around her. They weren't quiet because of ingratitude, they were merely gobsmacked at the wonder of the miracle they'd just witnessed. And as soon as these brief moments of astonishment were over...
"Three cheers for our pal Diamond Tiara! Hip, hip, hurray! Hurray!! HURRAY!!!" The congratulatory chant began in earnest, and each 'hurray' there was punctuated by one of the Crusaders themselves, with Scootaloo obviously giving by far the loudest and most emotional one.
"H-Hey guys, it was nothing..." Diamond tried and failed miserably at sounding humble, as she was abruptly lifted up and carried through the spa in triumph by an admiring crowd, with Aloe, Lotus Blossom and even Bulk Biceps soon joining them.
Hmm, a filly could get used to this... Diamond thought happily as she just lie back with a sigh to let the adoring masses carry her where they may.
Author's Note
I love a bit of meta-humour 
This was an absolute blast to write, almost as much fun as watching the episode itself. Hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to comment below whatever you thought. Bye for now. 
