John Sampson's Story

That damned alarm! Why doesn’t somepony complain about that noise?

Our morning routine passes as usual until we walk in the door of the cafeteria. Colonel Steel is waiting.

“Same order, darling. I’ll take the heat.”

“Major, did you know that my first duty every morning is to review the Royal Proclamations? I have to check for a potential security breach and this morning I may have found one. It seems one of my officers wants to publicly admit to casting dangerous spells on himself. Do you think that is a good idea?”

“No, sir, I don’t. But it is the best of several bad ideas.”

“I can redact it or send it back for reconsideration. All of the Princesses have seen it now so no effect would be lost.”

“Part of my honor would be lost, sir.”

“That’s what I thought you’d say. Very well. Have a good day, Major.”

“What was that all about?” Swift has arrived bearing food.

“I confessed to being the cause of the noise complaint. The Colonel was just confirming it.”

“Who did you confess to?”

“Luna and Celestia”

“Good. Maybe all of this will die down now.”

Breakfast is pleasant but as we are leaving I notice a group gathering in a corner of the room. They seem focused on something on the floor so I just have to go look. It is a pony, a Private, a familiar Private, sleeping laid across a duffel bag. I motion for Swift to join me then I motion for everypony to stand back.

Swift glances at him and “a-ten-HUT”

Colt jumps to his feet at full attention. It might have worked if he had been on the floor instead of on top of his duffel. I’ve got to give him credit he rolled once and came up saluting.

“Private Berry reporting, sir. . . Major John? . . SIR.”

I return salute, “At ease, Private. Now, what the bloody hell are you doing sleeping in the mess?”

“I got my orders assigning me to your office yesterday. I couldn’t get on the noon train because the ticket office was closed for some holiday. Then the night train was reserved so I couldn’t get on it. I walked here. Everypony had gone to bed so I waited here.”

Damned. I could hardly blame him for any of that. “You’re lucky the Colonel didn’t spot you. He was just here. He’d geld you for this.”

A helpful voice from the crowd spoke up, “He saw him, sir. He said you’d handle it.”

“Very well. Private, you will report to the Company Clerk's office. If the clerk isn’t in, you will stand next to the door until the clerk arrives. You will get all of your papers and billet straight. You will familiarize yourself with the Castle in general and the Guard Sector in detail until sundown. Tomorrow morning at zero five hundred you be here, in the mess, wide awake and ready for duty. Do you understand, pony?”

“Yes, SIR.”

“Dismissed.”

We are in the Doctor’s office after a normal PT. The Admin Nurse decided to handle us personally, settling us in a comfortable office.

“The Doctor will be with you momentarily, Major.”

And she is, “Good morning, Major, Captain. I have some interesting news for you.” Doctor Red smiles. “You, sir, are one hell of a stallion. You have a high count of nearly perfect sperm but most amazing is their motility. I believe that you could ejaculate on the vulva of a mare and impregnate her.”

“Doc. That’s human normal. Of course the farther the sperm have to travel, the fewer will make it but they are made to swim uphill.”

“I had suspected as much but that’s not the best part. We ran a chimera test and you passed it. In fact, you passed it three times.”

“Doctor, what exactly is a ‘chimera test’?”

“We extract ova from an animal, usually a rodent, then spell the ova to counterfeit pony ova. Outside a uterus it won’t develop past a few divisions but it gives us an indication that the sperm being tested will fertilize a mare.”

“Doctor, speculate with me for a minute. Let us suppose that an energetic young foreigner decide to become a pony. That this ignorant youngster had never performed magic in his life and yet had managed to accumulate a great deal of it. So for his first spell he swore a mighty Oath to make himself a pony, the best pony he could be. Further suppose that in the back of his mind while he was composing and speaking this Oath he was dreaming of having the best pony family with the best foals. How do you think that would work out medically?”

“I believe that I can look forward to attending a lot of births for your band, Major.” And Doctor Red smiled from ear to ear.

“Are there any other tests that we need?”

“No, I think you just answered all the questions I had. Thank you very much, Major.”

“Captain, I will be here at the same time tomorrow with the clerk I promised. Can you have me a non-essential but knowledgeable nurse to work with him?

“Of course. And I have a room with supplies. I’m looking forward to seeing just what you are up to.

“We’ll see you then.”

In the hall I asked Swift, “Let’s go see Twilight.”

“Okay.”

We walk up to Twilight’s main door. The usual Guardpony is there. We ask if Twilight is in. He speaks to a speaking tube briefly and lets us in. Twilight is in her second floor library looking like a student studying for finals.

“I come bearing gifts, Princess.”

She looks me up and down then behind me, “I don’t see anything.”

“The best kind of gifts, Princess, intangible gifts. Gifts that can’t be lost or broken.”

“Now I’m worried. Stallions with promises are the bane of every mare.”

“You wound me, My Princess. All I ask in return are a few trifles. A library, and the answers to two questions.”

“I’m still working on your last question. I don’t know if I can stand two more.”

Uh oh. “Which question are you still working on?”

“What it will take for you to be properly fertile with a pony mare.”

“Twilight, I’m sorry but I’ve already answered that question.”

“You have?” Oh so sweetly “Pray tell, what is your answer and how did you find it?”

“I’m more fertile than the average pony stallion and you told me.”

“I . . told . . . you? . . . John, have you ever seen a pissed off Alicorn? Would you like to?”

“The key was in our discussion of my magic and how it relates to my Oath. Remember that I wanted to be the best pony that I could? Behind that I was defining ‘best pony’ as the strongest protector of the best band with the best foals. I spelled myself to fertility. The Doctor tested it and confirmed it.

“And Twilight, we’re not half an hour out of the doctors office yet. We came as soon as the ramifications sank in.”

“John, that’s actually a very astute understanding of magic for a complete beginner. For that you’ll get your first trifle. What kind of books do you want?”

“Basic to advanced general knowledge starting with magic. And some language primers. I’ll have to learn to read then learn exactly what the state of the art is in Equestria. I was impressed by the use of magic to obtain detailed internal images of me. I was not impressed by a doctor’s complete ignorance of basic biology. At some point I want to drop some useful hints on Equestrian academia. Now, ask me any question.”

“Why do you want to do these things for Equestria?”

“Because it is my nature. I can’t not do it. That is part of what my cutie mark means.”

“How could you prove something like that?”

“Ask Swift, or AJ, or Luna. They have all seen my heart. Ask Colonel Steel.”

“What was that exchange with you two the other night?”

“Please, Twilight, you won’t like that answer.”

“I want it anyway!”

“I asked the Colonel to personally grant me a quick and honorable death should Celestia deem it necessary.”

“That’s just not possible, John.”

“It’s what all the Services do, Twilight. We die that the greater mass of civilians can live in peace and harmony. Ask Swift.”

“No! Ponies have grown beyond such violent ways.”

“I’m sure we have, Twilight, but what about the rest of the universe? Some of them haven’t got the memo yet. Remember that Manticore? I was perfectly willing to live and let live. He was hungry. Someone has to stand between the foals and the Manticores.”

“You ate that Manticore. How is that any better than him eating you?”

“I ate him so that his death wouldn’t be wasted after I killed him to keep him from killing me. He was stalking me. I was walking around him.

“Now for my question. How does a heartbond affect or influence other strong magic? Specifically, could somepony heartbonded with me access my magic or be influenced by it? Could the Magic of Harmony used by a Bearer influence or be influenced by a heartbond?

“Are you thinking of AJ?”

“Some. I’m also worried about Swift. We heartbonded before we knew that my magic is tied to my heart. I wouldn’t mind Swift accessing it but I wouldn’t want it accessing Swift. I may also want to bond with a Unicorn someday.”

“That will and intent rule would apply here. Your magic couldn’t harm anyone you didn’t intend to harm nor could your magic be accessed without your directed will.

“Re the Elements, we know that historically they have withdrawn from this world rather than permit less than ideal access. They represent a will beyond any single pony and are very well protected from abuse. So I wouldn’t worry about heartbonding with AJ. Or an Alicorn.”

I have some digesting to do after the questions and being pragmatic, I start picking out books while I think. Twilight is explaining the pony alphabet to me and showing me how to read the titles of the books when something clicks. Pony writing isn’t a different language, it is different shapes better suited to writing without hands. Freaking obvious when you think about it.

After we have a fair pile of books, the subject of where to keep them comes up. I want them in my office where I can use them daily. That means I need some bookshelves. In fact, we need a whole apartment of furniture. So Twilight takes us shopping. I’ve got to tell you, shopping with a Princess is a pleasure. The only questions are ‘when’ and ‘where’. My sole disappointment is the total lack of even a concept for ‘executive chair’. But I do get a really sweet desk.

At lunchtime I spot a very familiar looking fast food place with an orange high peak roof. Twilight isn’t impressed but I want to see what the pony version of an old familiar place is like. It is worth it. They have fish or chicken salad.

We explore the idea of shoes for me with a farrier. Boots are not a problem but the shape eludes him. I will bring my old boots by some day.

I buy Swift some new large saddle bags suitable for traveling and make a note of the fancy bags she looked at three times but didn’t want.

Finally we find the bookstore. There are a couple of foal’s primers and then I find the book of my dreams. It’s Encyclopedia Equestria, twenty two volumes of condensed Equestrian knowledge. I insist on taking it all home with us.

When we get back to the castle there are some packages in our suite. The note says, “These are a few of the easy ones to tide you over. Enjoy. Rarity.”

We decide not to unpack because we will be in our new apartment shortly but we have to look at the clothes. There are capes and scarves for both of us. I have some stretch shirts that looked sprayed on and a couple of what look like pajamas and a couple of more like sweats. I normally go bare at home but I get this feeling that I may like them in winter.

I’ve started on one of the learn to read books when an idea hit me. “Swift, could you help me with something? I want to write a letter.”

“Sure, John. Who to?”

“AJ. I want to invite her up here for a date.”

“John, is there a particular human custom on signing letters?”

“No, we do it pretty much the same way.”

“Then let’s read this one through and if you like it, we can sign it,” as she reaches into a drawer.

It is in the traditional form, which is to say rather flowery, and I like it. We add a note at the bottom to suggest arrival on the noon train to spend the afternoon and evening in Canterlot with meals. Swift signs it with a rather complex mark I don’t even understand and I sign with my normal signature which confuses Swift. I bet AJ saves it for the novelty. The envelope is addressed and sealed to be turned over to the Company Clerk in the morning.

I make a lap. “Swift, baby, come over here, please. We have some things to talk about.”

She climbs up in my lap and leans against me nosing and licking my chest. “Is this serious talk or is this fun talk?”

“Serious talk I’m afraid, at least for a while.”

“Well, I’m going to amuse myself while you think.” And she started lipping and pulling on my nipple.

“Darling, please remember we promised a Princess that we wouldn’t do that again.”

“I know that. But I want you well and truly teased when we get to where we can.”

Deep breaths. “O. Kay. We have some decisions to make if we are going to invite AJ in. AJ is a major shareholder in a big and profitable farm. The farm is also her family so we can’t expect her to walk away from it. Neither can we expect her to allow it to be disbursed among our many foals. And if we are going to expect AJ to contribute farm income to our band she has a right to expect us to contribute to the farm. But most of all, a strong Earth pony like AJ would go crazy sitting around while we spend our days on Guard business or travel on assignments. We could move to AJ’s farm, and nothing would suit me better, but that would mean walking away from duty and maybe even Destiny. There will be lawyers before it is over but be thinking what you want and expect.

So we settle in for a few hours grooming. Logic tells me it must be part of my inner pony but I don’t care. Happiness is defined as carefully nibbling and licking my mare clean.

It is a normal morning right up until we walk in to the cafeteria. Colt is waiting. As we eat I explain things to Colt.

“Colt, my mornings are my chance to be casual and ordinary. We are here this morning because my office is still under construction. When my office is done we will meet there.

What we are going to do is fix a problem with the Surgeons office. Their system for admitting ponies into the office for medical care is so broken that I was banded between when I started signing in and when I saw the doctor.”

That has the effect of a small detonation. “Major John! You’re banded! You and Captain Swift?”

“Well, who better for a stallion have breakfast with than his mare? Now, what you are going to do is sit down with a nurse and this huge mass of forms they want everypony to fill out and reduce it something manageable using Terran methods that I will teach you. When we are done, ponies will be able to get medical treatment in half the time. It will be tedious, boring work but when it is done it will save several pony lives a day for many years.

“Colt, It’s great to be the point pony. You get to be a hero smiting the evil whatever and capturing the hearts of mares everywhere. But the reality is that it takes fifty ponies working together to put that point pony out there. Somepony has to mine the ore for another pony to smelt for another pony to forge for the hero pony to carry. Several ponies will move the metal between each step. And several more feed all these ponies while they do their work. And make sure the right amount of the right metal is in the right place when it’s needed.

“We sing songs and tell stories about that hero but he’s really just the guy that was at the right place and time out of a thousand Guardponies that did their duty and waited for destiny. There is courage in just showing up and doing your job without everypony telling you how wonderful you are. You will know what you accomplished and that must be enough.

“It makes me sound like a recruiter, doesn’t it? I’ll give you one final thought. This is exactly how I got where I am today. Ponies that get the job done are in demand everywhere.”

I won’t bore you with all the details. Colt buckled down and shocked the crap out of Doctor Red. It seems like medical school isn’t the only thing you need to keep ponies healthy. Swift and I get moved in. There are some ‘adjustments’ but we end up in a nicely furnished apartment with a large common room, enough master bedroom for a bunch of ponies, two guest or whatever rooms, and a decent kitchen. We have an office adjoining with executive in back and secretary in front. The office has a separate hall door and side door from kitchen to back office. The kitchen also has a door opening on a large courtyard common to all of officers row.

Our wardrobe came, and came, and came. So do the books. It takes many trips to town as we find one more thing we don’t have but we are getting a sweet life together. The courtyard hosts regular gatherings of off duty officers and we seem to be becoming popular there. Several stallions have asked for private advice on lovemaking and Swift tells me that some mares have done the same.

Letters are going back and forth with AJ. We have understanding and acceptance that we can’t have a conventional marriage. If the guard and the farm weren’t enough of a conflict, we also have the Elements and my Destiny. But we agree that’s all the more reason we need foals to carry our heritage forward and foals need bands. We’ll finally have that date soon.

I am waiting at the Canterlot Train Station, wearing one of my pretty uniforms, for the noon train. AJ is coming for our first date. We have decided to explore Canterlot for the afternoon and have dinner in town. The train is on time and there aren’t a lot of passengers so I don’t have long to wait.

“AJ?” I do a double take. “Oh my, AJ. you must do this more often.”

AJ has released her mane from the usual ponytail to a flowing cloud of blond matched by her tail. In the fashion center of Equestria she is getting looks.

We stroll casually up the main boulevard into town taking in the atmosphere of a bustling city. Ponies are waving at us as we pass, some coming out of their homes and shops to watch us go by. I wave and nod to them. AJ was awestruck.

“John, is it like this everywhere ya go?”

“First, it’s ‘we’ and second, no. Ponies are here because they want to be part of something big and you can’t get much bigger than Royal. ‘We’, the Royal Guard staffer and gorgeous Element Bearer, are a single step removed from being a Royal. That’s twenty steps closer than most of them will ever get. When we recognize them we validate their dreams. It’s a small enough gift.

“Do they know about all the hard work, boring training, risk to life and limb, sacrifice of friends and family? Of course they do. And they are quite sure that if the opportunity ever arises, they will do all that for the cause of greatness.

“It’s not all bad. If I take off the uniform they will mostly respect my privacy even though I could never hide who I am. The exceptions are almost all foals. And it’s almost impossible for me to buy a beer. Somepony else always wants to pay for it. You could cover up your cutie mark and be incognito. But when you are attached to the Royal Court there is always an obligation to uphold the reputation and image.”

“I’ve just never thought about it, John. Every time I’ve been here we’ve traveled with an escort. It must be hard on Twilight.”

“It’s far worse for Twilight. As a Princess she can give ponies substantial gifts. Celestia and Luna have largely withdrawn into the Royal Residences after centuries of this pressure. It’s the same thing you hear about the farm, ‘You have so many apples it couldn’t hurt you to give me a couple of bushels . . . a week.’ They just get it on a much grander scale.”

“John, I’m really developing a new appreciation for Ponyville.”

“Treasure it, AJ. This is what drove me to abandon the land of my birth. The small town lifestyle where everypony knows and respects everypony was rapidly being replaced by the ‘What’s in it for me’ lifestyle.

“But we have a far more pressing question right now, AJ. Did you eat on the train?”

“No, John, I could eat right now if ya wanted to.”

“You see that pointy building right over there? That’s my favorite ‘Why not a Burger’, the perfect place for a snack.”

“They got hayburgers?”

“And more.”

“Let’s go.”

She has a hayburger with apple slices and tea. I have a chicken salad with tea. She doesn’t blink when I start putting away the meat with great gusto. Plus two points.

After lunch we drift through the market district. I spot a florist and steer her in. We pick out some blossoms for her mane and a box to snack on later. There is art to be admired and art to be ridiculed. Mostly we talk about the small things like Terran crops versus Equestrian crops. As the sun is sneaking down to the horizon we find ourselves in front of Smoky’s Bar B Que. Smoky is big happy Earth pony with an amazing ability to smoke absolutely anything. Service is walk through the kitchen and point. Seating is bench and there is a half block line waiting to get in. That is unless you are somepony who has shared some human barbecue recipes with Smoky.

We have the stew. There are baby carrots, baby corn, squash, okra, butter beans, broccoli, and baby potatoes in a sweet sticky sauce. It was made to get messy with and AJ loves it.

We walk out under a bright moon and turn toward the Castle.

“John, the train is the other way and we had better hurry if I want to make it.”

“Why do you want to catch the train? Is there something Big Mac can’t do on the farm?”

“No, but I don’t want ta come between you and Swift.”

“AJ, between me and Swift is exactly where we both want you.”

“But I don’t want ta interfere.”

“AJ, if you want to join this band, the first thing you need to do is to spend some family time with us and find out what we are really like.”

“John, isn’t this moving a little fast?”

“What, having a sleepover with friends? I thought you’d done that with Twilight and the rest.”

“But . . . “

“But nothing, AJ. It’s time to trust.”

“John, there are so many things I don’t know and thought I had more time to find out.”

“You have all of the time you need. Let us show you why. You have the ability. Use it. Ask me my intentions.”

She stops and looks directly at me. “No, John, I don’t need ta do that.”

Swift is sitting in the main room waiting for us. I leave AJ with her and go to the bedroom to undress. I come back and settle down next to Swift pulling her against me. She nuzzles my chest and I kiss the top of her head.

“Darling, I took AJ to Smoky’s. I think she liked it.”

Swift smiles, “And I bet you got the stew.”

“Of course.”

“AJ, did he tell you that the stew is his recipe?”

AJ is looking a little shocked, “No.”

“It is. I told him he should hold out for a partnership but he’s happy with unlimited free food.”

AJ giggles, “I was wondering how he just walked in past a hundred ponies like he owned the place.”

“Swift my love, I think AJ has some questions.. Could you maybe help her out from the mare’s point of view?”

“Certainly. What do you want to know, AJ?”

A rather fidgety AJ replies, “I’m not sure how ta ask.”

It’s not easy to see red on orange but I am seeing it on AJ. “AJ, Swift and I are old troopers. We tend to be blunt and direct. Just say it.”

Swift jumps in, “John, let me. AJ, let me tell you what he’s like as a stallion. He’s big. He’s unbelievably strong. And he is the most patient gentle stallion you can imagine. You’ve been hearing stories, haven’t you?”

Damned. I hope AJ doesn’t catch the cushions on fire. She nods. “Some ponies like it wild and rough.”

Swift is grinning, “We like it wild, just not rough.”

AJ is confused again. “But what about all the screaming and banging?”

“Banging? I don’t remember any banging.”

“I was banging you.”

“Yes, but all that was made was squishy noises.”

“True.”

“The screaming, on the other hand, was very true. We both did a lot of that.”

“Did it hurt that much?” AJ asked with concern.

We both start laughing heartily. “I’m sorry, AJ. It didn’t hurt at all. I was screaming because I wanted everypony in the castle to know that I had just bred my mare. I’m damned proud of it. That’s why I had to apologize in Royal Court a day later.”

“And that’s how we got this sweet new apartment. Celestia wanted us safely out of earshot,” Swift grins.

“I guess it might have worked out different if I hadn’t left the balcony door open.”

Now AJ was giggling along with us.

“Seriously, AJ, my soul is pony but my body is still human and there are some differences. For example, I don’t flare. On the upside, I last a lot longer. And the doctor has determined that I am super fertile. But best of all, I have hands.”

Swift chimes in again, “He’s not kidding, AJ. Hands are wonderful. You can come over here right now and find out for yourself.”

AJ is looking a little red again.

“AJ, we are going to bed shortly. We wake at zero four hundred with the help of a rather obnoxious alarm clock. We have tea and toilet here then breakfast at the cafeteria. PT follows breakfast and the actual day starts around zero seven thirty. You can keep up with us or sleep in. You can stay the day if you wish. Or the week.

“There are two brand new guest rooms behind you but I mean exactly what I say about wanting you between Swift and I. You are invited to sleep there tonight.”

“I want you there too,” Swift chorused. “I need your help with this band.”

“Can I shower first?”

“Of course. Would you mind if we all shower together? It’s another of those wonderful hands things. You’ll love it,” Swift promises.

AJ is nervous at first and tries to keep Swift between us so I sit on the floor and Swift practically herds her into my arms. I lather her neck and one side of her barrel before I have to stand to move around. She watches me but stands as I lather her other side and mane. She takes a step but stops when I start on her tail.

After we rinse and step out of the shower Swift tosses me a towel and I go to work on AJ and her mane. Swift brings me another towel as I pick up a brush and I begin moving the brush and towel together down her mane.

Swift throws a towel over my back and says, “I’m telling you, AJ, he has a compulsion to take care of us. He can’t help himself.”

AJ wonders, “Is he like this all the time?”

About then I raise AJ’s tail and go to work on it. She starts.

Swift reassures her, “Don’t worry. He’s like a super big sister until you throw the Stallion switch. When you move in I’ll show where it is.”

“Swift darling, you do know I can hear you?”

“So?”

“So I know where all the mare buttons are.

“AJ, this is what life is like in Equestria’s most exotic band.” I smile at her.

We finish in the bathroom and I lead the family to the bed, settling on the pad first. I motion for AJ and she lays down in front of me in the little spoon. Swift lays in front of her and we all snuggle tighter. I feel the last of the tension drain from AJ as she nuzzles under my chin. I decide that this was a very good day as I fade into sleep.