In Which Cheerilee Endures Princess Celestia's Lament
The midday sun shined brightly on the ponies of Ponyville. The festival was in full swing, banners and flags gently fluttering in the breeze and the smell of assorted confectioneries wafted through the air. Ponies lined up for vendors and games, happily chatting with each other about any manner of topics, from flavors of snow cones to flavors of ice cream.
The mayor wandered through the crowd, greeting the citizens with a smile that did little to hide the fact that she was nursing a severe hangover and that she had no interest in their trivial concerns and drab platitudes. Nearby, her drinking partner from the night before fared no better: Dr. Whooves chatted mildly with Roseluck whilst sipping a lemonade. He wore sunglasses and repeatedly asked the mare to keep her voice down.
Elsewhere, Mr. Cake had his hooves full with the twins, especially since Mrs. Cake did not make it to the festival: she was currently tending to an extremely hungover Cookie Crumble, whose husband requested some of Cup Cake’s hangover-curing raspberry turnovers. Mr. Cake constantly chased his children all over the festival, with occasional aide from Pinkie Pie. The absurdly pink pony bounced energetically around the festival, joyfully keeping the twins in check. Mr. Cake had to keep an eye on Pinkie as well.
The spa twins had taken up positions at the nearest booth that sold alcohol. Last night’s defeat instilled in them a sense of purpose: to drink Applejack under the table. It was barely past noon and the sisters were already three sheets to the wind, but still egging each other on to drink more. Applejack, on the other hoof, tried to avoid contact with anypony as she was only here on business. She trotted through the crowds, carrying two bushels of apples to the Apple Family booth, where Granny Smith sold their products.
She dropped off the bushels and as she headed back to the farm she ignored the drunken jeers and challenges from the spa twins. However, she did not ignore Cheerilee, who was idly sitting under a tree. She didn’t stop to greet her but rather she shot the teacher a death glare before going on her way. Cheerilee cringed and looked away. She knew why – considering what she and Big Mac did last night it was likely he was not much help on the farm today. Though Applejack was upset with her she didn’t regret her actions. She wasn’t necessarily proud of it either. It was an impulsive decision spurred by the drunken suggestions of Princess Luna. Still, she smiled internally at the fresh memory.
Cheerilee made sure that Applejack had left the area before she relaxed. She took in the festival from her spot in the shade. The tree she sat under was somewhat out of the way and in the center of a knoll. She sat and watched some of her students run about, frolicking without a care in the world. She smiled at the sight, happy that they were happy. Her mind wandered away to her own fillyhood, and all the fun she’d had with her friends. Slowly, she began to drift down memory lane, her attention no longer on the scene before her.
“It’s disgusting,” sobbed a voice from behind her.
Quickly snapping out of her nostalgia, Cheerilee turned to find herself face-to-chest with a large white pony. Looking up, she saw the distraught face of Princess Celestia. She held a mug with her magic and took large swigs from it.
“Princess Celestia! W-what are you doing here?” Cheerilee quickly bowed to the royal.
“I don’t deserve that kina…kind of insiliation. Insultation. What’s she insinuating anyway?”
“I-I’m sorry. It’s just customary to bow before royalty,” Cheerilee stated, clearly confused.
“Alls I wanted t’know was why she insisted on uncooperating.”
Contorting her face into a look of pure perplexity, Cheerilee dared to glance up. The sight before her was not a pleasant one: Celestia’s cheeks were stained with eyeliner that had been streaked by tears. Despite the distressing nature of the situation, Cheerilee couldn’t help but think that Celestia looked a lot like a Rarity on any given day. Still, beyond the stained eyeliner Celestia’s mane was disheveled as well. Instead of its typical ethereal and flowing quality it spasmed and hiccupped, little bubbles trickling up and popping above her head. Her tiara was terribly askew, propped between her horn and right ear.
“I just wanted to…something about sibling fealty.” She took another swig from the mug, this time draining the last drop. “More bad news,” she mumbled, inspecting the empty mug.
As Cheerilee watched the princess grumpily shake the mug she was interrupted by something bumping against her back. She turned to find a barrel floating behind her, trying to move past. In a golden aura the cask moved next to Celestia, where she turned the spigot and filled the mug.
“I mean, it’s not as though I’m aren’t equals. She’sh just younger and not qualified.” The princess took a mighty swig. “Her fault, really.”
“Um…Your Highness, are you okay?”
“I’m not an O K. Princess is what I’m. They call me Mister Princess!”
“I…uh.”
“She’s just a child.”
“Luna? I know she’s younger than you but she’s still pretty old. Right?”
“I’M A FRAUD! She doesn’t love me! I’m nopony’s sibling!”
Cheerilee desperately search for somepony to notice her dire uncomfortableness. With her head on a swivel, she could only see ponies mingling about, barely noticing anything save for the fun they were having. She actually wished Applejack would walk by again.
“I’m only wants to know if she’sh could handle the thing with them.” Celestia was tearing up again. “And then…and then…she and then she said I have waffle fleas. Waffle fleas! It was one time! I was a filly! Why’d she have to say that?!” Celestia fell into Cheerilee, wrapping her front legs around the teacher and sobbed uncontrollably. “To this day…” She couldn’t complete the sentence.
Cheerilee bore the weight as best she could but struggled to support the surprisingly heavy pony. She gave a few cautious pats of comfort. Celestia stayed there for a few minutes before Cheerilee realized that the princess wasn’t sobbing anymore. In fact, a light rhythmic breathing came from her. “Uh, Princess Celestia?” No response. “Princess? Are you okay?” No response. Growing tired from holding the alicorn the teacher dared to give her a little shake. With a snort Celestia woke.
“My apologies, cerise pony.” The princess righted herself. “It’s just that you looked like a pillow.”
“Oh. Kay.”
“So soft.” She gently brushed Cheerilee’s face and shoulder. “Have you a cool side?”
“What?” Cheerilee recoiled a bit.
“Your name is what, pillow pony?”
“Uh….Cheerilee.”
“Have it your way.” Celestia flopped on the ground and sighed heavily. She rolled over on her side. “Chee Riley, does your sister drive you to drink?”
“Cheerilee. And, well, I suppose on occasion but not this much,” she stated nodding to the barrel. “She’s usually off somewhere wres –”
“My sister hates me.”
“I…uh…don’t think that’s true.”
“Nay. I suppose…I never know which nay. Nay or neigh? Curse you, homophones! Dregs of grammar!”
Cheerilee scrunched her face in thought. She desperately wanted to remove herself from the situation. Still, she knew she would feel guilty about leaving the princess in such a poor state. She just wished one of these other ponies would stop being so oblivious and see she needed some help. “You two had an argument?”
Celestia took sips from her mug, which had spilled its contents and rested on its side, much like the princess. “She insulted our mother. That was…the camel’s back. She halved the camel in twain when she said that.” She wobbly gestured a karate chop.
“She did say something about that,” Cheerilee recalled, remembering her bizarre encounter with Princess Luna the night before.
“She said that ours mothers…mothers…mother apostrophe ess favorite was not me. Improper grammar aside that statement is false! Such a bold…such a brash statement. Brrrrash. Rash. Oh! Tell me, Cherry Lift, have you a pharmacy in this burg?”
“Yes.”
“Our mother would nevARR choose a favorite! The very idea!” She expelled some pent-up gas with an unladylike belch. “Is insulting!”
Cheerilee scrunched her face in disgust. “She said something about you questioning her leadership abilities, or something like that. Do you think maybe that upset her?”
“She alliterated against me!”
“Is that a problem?”
“I’m not a goddess, Chef Leaf. I chouldn’t be talked to like that!” Her voice grew defiant. “I rule this land.” She pawed at the ground. “This ground at least.”
“I’m sure it’s not too late for the two of you to make amends,” Cheerilee offered.
“True, pillow pony, true. Perhaps we can learn from…something. Lest we regret something. Regret is only as strong as the act itself. And regret, or lack thereof, is a comment on our true selves.”
Cheerilee was surprised by the momentary sobriety from Celestia. She considered the sage-like advice for a moment before she was interrupted by a rousing princess.
“Maybe I’ll ask the zebra,” Celestia mused as she propped herself up on her front hooves. “Uhn, those strips! What they do to me!”
“What would Zecora know about…” Cheerilee stopped herself before she finished a question she didn’t need the answer to.
“My work here is…Which way to Everfree?” Celestia mumbled as she struggled to stand.
“It’s that…” – Cheerilee initially pointed at Everfree but then felt bad for sending Zecora an inebriated princess – “uh, no, that way,” she stated, pointing in the opposite direction.
“Aye, that looks like a foreboding direction if I ever saw one,” Celestia agreed. Without another word the princess stumbled off in that direction, mumbling to herself and taking frequent swigs from her mug. The cask bumped along the ground as it followed her.
Cheerilee sat on the grass, completely perplexed on the events of the last 24 hours. First Luna, now Celestia. An encounter with an inebriated princess is a rarity indeed. Two sloshed princesses is a thing practically unheard of. She tried to get her mind off it by watching the ponies of the festival go about their lives but that only returned her to one of her main problems: the lack of acknowledgment of the drunk princesses by anypony except her. She sat for several minutes, trying to comprehend the bizarreness the situation.
She pieced together the information she’d gleaned from the drunken royals: Celestia had questioned Luna’s suitability to rule – or at least to lead – and then Luna berated Celestia and now they were both drunk and distraught. And she, Cheerilee, was the only pony who was aware of this. Just what in Tartarus was going on?! She felt as though a paradigm shift was fast approaching but couldn’t put her hoof on just what that would be. She mulled deeply. She was lost in thought when she felt a gentle tug on her tail. Berry Punch had laid prone on the ground behind her and was munching on the teacher’s tail but quickly spat it out.
The wino pony sat up and wobbled a bit but maintained her attention on Cheerilee. She looked sourly at the teacher. “You should say your tail is non-alcoholic. Otherwise that’s false advertising.”
