Jobbing

by Cackling Moron

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2083

Human and local deity, having tea, have a brief conversation.

Arthur, travelling salesman and occasional human visitor, is stopping over for one of his semi-regular tea-and-biscuit meetups with Celestia, during which they converse about something that had been on his mind.

Published 2019-06-18 11:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-18 11:20:01 UTC

Just asking questions

Author's Note

It's a very silly story and I wouldn't take it too seriously, if I were you.

Just watched the movie is all, and the idea dribbled out of me.

Just asking questions

“I have a question for you, Celly,” said Arthur, swilling tea around his cup.

“That sounds serious,” she said, also swilling her tea.

It was just the two of them in the room, sitting across from one another quite comfortably. These little get-togethers were quite precious to both of them.

Arthur’s work - that of being a door-to-door salesman selling doors door-to-door - lent itself to what might be euphemistically termed an itinerant lifestyle. Which is a convoluted way of saying that he spent a lot of time on the road, out and about, here and there.

This lack of constant availability alongside his habit of seemingly just dropping off the face of Equestria for whole stretches made his sporadic visits a dash of pleasant unpredictability for Celestia, who also appreciated the fact that whenever he did appear he always brought biscuits with him, too.

Not quite cake, but still very much something she enjoyed.

He proffered the plate of said biscuits towards her. Today, custard creams. She took one gleefully and Arthur sat back again, taking one for himself and dunking it thoughtfully, though not so thoughtfully that it disintegrated. That would have been a rookie mistake, and Arthur was no rookie.

“Not serious, don’t worry,” he said, eating his biscuit and then carrying on: “Just something that was on my mind. Swimming around in there, you know?”

“Ask away,” Celestia said, smiling politely. Arthur set down his saucer.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but, ah, well. There have been in the past some rather large events around here, I am given to understand. Villainous types coming in and causing trouble?”

He’d heard about these all second-hand, of course.

Through sheer coincidence Arthur had been absent from all of these, always on the road at just the right time to miss the fracas, only returning once it had all been dealt with. This was because Arthur’s undiagnosed superpower was being a jammy bastard.

Not that anyone would ever notice. He was too jammy for that.

“It has happened once or twice, I will admit. Was that the question?”

“No, just the prelude. The question was, well, I’m told that more-or-less anytime something big and nasty comes along one of the very first things that happens is that yourself and your sister are promptly taken out or rendered helpless in some way.”

“Ah,” Celestia said, sort of seeing where he was going with this.

“It just strikes me as unfortunate that one of the more powerful beings around - don’t be modest now, you are - is the first one to go down anytime things get serious. Admittedly while not a villain myself I can still understand the need, yes? You being the largest threat and all that.. But the ease with which it happens so consistently is, well, odd. To me. Again, don’t take any of this the wrong way, Celly, I’m just curious.”

It had really been on his mind. Perhaps he was missing something obvious, he thought.

And of course this sort of question could just as easily have been asked of Luna, given that she seemed to suffer much the same fate whenever anything bad rolled around. But Luna was not there at that particular moment, and besides, she and Arthur weren’t quite as good friends as he was with Celestia. So there it was.

Celestia was quiet a moment before she too set her saucer down, got up from her seat and moved over to settle in beside Arthur, who had not expected this.

“Can you keep a secret?” She asked.

“Normally, no. For you, I’ll give it serious consideration.”

She gave him a hard look and he wilted.

“Joking, joking! You know me.”

“I do, that’s why I’m asking. Can you keep a secret?” She asked again.

“Yes! Totally. From your mouth to my ears and no further.”

Her face softened.

“Thank you.”

Celestia took a steadying breath and then said without looking at Arthur:

“There’s never any risk.”

This statement was so blunt and to the point that Arthur had to grapple with it to fully get where it was she might be coming from. His brow furrowed.

“Are you sure? It all sounded pretty risky to me,” he said.

“I’m sure it did. I’m sure it looked risky, too. Perilous, even. But there was never any real danger. Everything was always under control. I’ve made sure of that.”

This was not the answer that he had been expecting. Really, Arthur wasn’t sure what answer he’d been expecting - he hadn’t given it that much thought - but certainly nothing like this. He had no idea what to make of it.

“How can you make sure of that?” He asked.

Celestia twisted about on the sofa the better to face him, and Arthur twisted likewise. She didn’t look like she was pulling his leg...

“Preparation. What I mean to say is, rather, that the situation is always in-hoof, no matter how dire it may look. There are always contingencies, backups. Backups on the backups.”

“Really?”

“Really. If it appears I am trapped I am not. If my power appears to fail it is meant to appear so. If mortal harm looks to befall a subject there are a dozen enchantments and failsafe spells in place to ensure that does not happen. I have a plan and a response to anything and everything you could think of, and a few i am sure you - even with your imagination - could not.”

She gave Arthur another smile but this one was of a very different cast indeed, and not one he’d seen on her face before. It suited her, but did not make him feel especially comfortable.

“I’ve had the time to put all this together, you see? No matter what happens there’s always a way for me to stop it, if I need to,” she said. Arthur swallowed.

“You just never need to?”

“So far, no.”

This wasn’t Arthur’s area of expertise, and since he had never been personally present during any of these events he couldn’t really say how dire they might have been. He’d heard bad things though, so learning that - apparently - there had been a ‘win’ button sitting around somewhere just waiting to be pressed but which hadn’t been was a little perplexing.

“I’m not a deific equine being co-ruling a magical kingdom so you’ll have to forgive me my ignorance but, ah, if you’re so unassailable why wouldn’t you advertise yourself as, ah, unassailable? Perhaps dissuade the ne’er do wells?”

“There’s very little that’ll dissuade those that want to cause trouble, Arthur. If just how pointless it is was well-known it would force the villains to expend even greater energy in their efforts to overcome the odds. Failing, obviously, but perhaps leading to unfortunate consequences. This way, lulled into ease, they often feel that they can achieve their goals with minimal effort.”

There was a logic here, of a sort. An unusual sort that really didn’t fit with how Arthur saw Celestia, sure, but a logic all the same. He turned his face away and scratched his chin.

“I think I can follow that…”

Celestia hovered her saucer and teacup over and took a dainty sip. The daintiness was definite and deliberate

“That, and it keeps Twilight out of trouble,” she said. Then, on consideration: “Well, not really, but it keeps her busy which is the main thing. It’s character-building.”

Arthur had also heard that it was usually this ‘Twilight’ and her buddies who were left holding the bag whenever this sort of thing happened, and it had been Twilight who had pulled the iron from the fire over and over again.

He’d never met her himself, but she sounded like a lovely girl.

“Character building?”

“Oh yes. Wouldn’t be good for her development if I just solved everything, would it? That’s a recipe for complacency. These little trials and tribulations have helped make her the mare she is today.”

Arthur felt that, perhaps, he had misjudged Celestia.

This must have been clear on his face as the mask of cast-iron regal ineffability she had been wearing for the duration of the conversation slipped and she looked all at once both wounded and concerned.

“...I should point out that I’m joking,” she said. Arthur blinked.

“What?”

She definitely looked hurt now, gaping at Arthur, appalled.

“Did you honestly believe I was telling the truth? Arthur! I can’t believe you’d think I would do anything like that!”

She gave him a slug on the shoulder, which hurt, but not as much as feeling that he’d hurt his friend by thinking poorly of her. He did rub his shoulder a bit though, even as he rushed to protest:

“You were so convincing!”

She was going to say something to this but thought better of it, biting her tongue and instead going with:

“I mean, there are defences but - how could you think I’d just let anything like that happen! Is that what you think of me? Pulling strings and sitting back to watch things play out? Deliberately allowing horrible things to happen to my subjects? To poor Twilight? When I could stop them? Arthur!”

“No no, really! I just - I have no grasp of how things work here! I am but a simple door salesman, Celly, you have to remember. This is not my area of expertise.”

“But I thought you knew me!”

“I do! That’s why I was shocked! I could scarce believe it! ‘This isn’t the kind and loving Celestia I know’ is what I thought to myself! ‘This must surely be a joke!’ I thought! It simply wasn’t like you at all!”

She leaned in close to him, narrowing her eyes.

“So you don’t think I’m a cunning ruthless manipulator capable of the most meticulously fiendish long-term planning?” She asked, in a way that framed it as an obvious trick question. Arthur hesitated, poised on a knife edge.

“...is there a right answer I can give here?” He asked.

She moved in even closer so her nose just nudged the side of his face before saying in a low though clear voice:

“No.”

Arthur sighed.

“I’m just going to drink my tea and not ask anymore questions,” he said, picking his drink up again, extending his smallest finger and doing his best to look as if he was rising above the situation.

With a light giggle Celestia sat up straight again and gave him a pat on the head.

“Good boy,” she said. Arthur did not give her the satisfaction of reacting.

“To think that I put up with such condescension,” he said instead.

“Well you do keep coming back.”

“I do…”

No denying that.

“Coming back and believing hurtful rumours about me!”

“Rumours indeed! You-” Arthur said, only to find himself muffled by a wing as Celestia turned her face away and raised a hoof to her forehead. All very theatrical.

“My friend! Doubting me! Thinking the worst of me! Oh, it’s a deep cut,” she wailed, at volume. The plate of custard creams floated over and she very deliberately placed it onto the sofa on the opposite side of her, away from Arthur and out of reach.

“Just for that I’m having the rest of these myself,” she said.

Arthur finally got the wherewithal to gently push her wing away, straightening himself out.

“Well, I rather brought that on myself didn’t I?”

Celestia nodded forcefully at him, munching on biscuits.

“You’ve got crumbs, well, it might be easier for me to say where they aren’t,” Arthur said, pointing to the general area of Celestia. She went just the tiniest bit pink about the cheeks and did her best to brush some of the evidence away. It didn’t help much.

“Do you, ah, did you bring any more of those?” She asked, quietly.

Arthur thought of his suitcase, and how what space in it that wasn’t taken up with glossy door brochures was, at that moment, taken up with biscuits he’d brought solely with Celestia in mind.

Perhaps now he’d be a little less generous with them than he’d initially planned on being...

“Oh just a few more. One or two, you know,” he said, sipping his tea.