The One Where Maud And Mudbriar Do It
"Hurry up Gummy, she'll be here soon! I need some serious help hanging the balloons, and I'd appreciate a bit of assistance from you, seeing as you're not doing anything else right now!"
Why Pinkie Pie was so surprised by her beloved baby alligator's current inaction, who knows. The statuesque reptile was just as 'active' as he ever was.
Which is to say... he hadn't budged an inch for days.
Pinkie could never get angry at Gummy for any reason however, despite the fact it would be a colossal task to finish setting up Maud's birthday party at Sugarcube Corner without his 'invaluable' cooperation.
After all, she'd gone to the trouble of arranging for the Cakes and their twins to have a fun day out at Buck-e-Breeze all the way down in Manehattan, not to mention managing to temporarily excuse herself from teaching at the Friendship School to make everything just perfect for her cherished sister.
If only Gummy would pull his webbed foot before Maud and the rest of the guests arrived later, then maybe there was even a small chance her stoic sibling might even crack a smile by the night's end. That would be simply amazing.
"Please Gummy! if you do me this tiny wee favour, I swear I'll buy you those false teeth you've had your googly eyes on for the last year... eventually." Pinkie took care to add a slight question mark at the end of her solemn vow there, as her meagre paycheck could barely afford her abundant candy rations, let alone any extraneous gifts.
You'd think such a renowned heroine who'd saved the world on more than one occasion with her friends, and the best gosh darn party-planning baker this side of Equestria might have a few more bits stashed away, but you'd be sorely mistaken. Such as is the case almost everywhere, the hard graft a lot of ponies put in is hardly compensated by what they earn. Life can be so unfair sometimes.
In this quite light-hearted tale though, the whole capitalism vs communism debate can wait. For now, let's return to good ol' Pinkie Pie, who seems to have now shifted her ear over to Gummy's slimy lips, as if the stationary creature was actually speaking to her.
"What's that you say? You're not very good at preparation, you'd rather 'supervise' me instead?" Pinkie looked momentarily confused, before a wide grin slowly materialised on her face. "Oh, Gummy... you sly old dog, you! I should've remembered all along that your true skill doesn't lie in being physical, but your non-stop vigilance instead! You're always here looking out for me, and I always feel much more confident in what I'm doing with your silent support! I'm so sorry to interrupt your daily routine, and I shall now put the finishing touches to the room myself. If just a single piece of bunting or glitter falls down, you let me know immediately! Thank you so much, Sweetie! Mama loves you, yes she does! Smooch!"
And so it was, with that final sloppy kiss administered by Pinkie upon the lips of Gummy (which shock horror, registered the first slight movement from her pet in eons as he licked the area once her back was turned), that she renewed her eternal zeal for decorating once more.
Basically, the next hour or so is pretty boring, unless you fancy having me describe her falling off stepladders repeatedly, getting wads of sticky tape caught in her mane or singing a litany of out-of-tune renditions of Happy Birthday in various other languages.
Hey, a truly elite party planner has to be ready to celebrate someone's special day whatever their nationality or species might be! So there.
Let's do the Time Skip again!
...................................
"Aaanndd... that's a 'wrap'!" Pinkie remarked jokingly, as she finished sealing the last of Maud's presents using the most greyish paper you could conceivably think of.
Her sister had made it absolutely clear that she was not one for the garish colours the majority of Pinkie's other clientele enjoyed, and so the pink pony with some reluctance had decided to respect her wishes with a far more dour decor then she was used to. This didn't just extend to the gifts, but to the balloons and other associated birthday junk on the walls, too.
The only other predominant hue around the party room was black, but at least that meant there wasn't only one colour that made up the surrounding venue. That really would've been too depressingly lifeless to bear, and Pinkie might've been forced to quit midway through out of sheer ennui.
As it was though, she could just about deal with the somewhat drab ambiance of what was supposed to be a joyous occasion, and to take her mind off things she imagined how happy Maud would be once she'd opened up the specially chosen gifts her doting sibling had bought for her.
"A Geologist's Guide To Equestria book, a quart of the rarest limestone, a specialist cleaning kit for rocks... I bet Boulder will love that one!" Pinkie went over everything in her head with glee, convinced that her presents would certainly be the best Maud would get that year. "Then there's the special card, signed by all her new friends in Ponyville and with the most hilarious joke inside from yours truly: 'You 'Rock', love from Pinkie Pie!' Tee hee, I bet she's never heard that joke befor... Oh no! The card! What did I do with it?!"
Pinkie's abrupt change in mood was caused by her apparently mislaying the single most important thing that special day. For this was surely the item which would break Maud her out of her detached demeanour and treat the eager party pony to a wisp of a smile, however unlikely it sounded.
After all, what could manipulate anypony's hidden emotions better than a heartfelt message from all the ponies who cared for her in town? If anything was going to penetrate her 'heart of stone', then it would have to be this lovingly sincere token of their affection...
...And now, it was gone. Or at least, AWOL.
"Where's it gone, where's it gone, where's it gone?! If I can't find it, the day will be ruined!!" Flour, frosting and egg shells were tossed everywhere as Pinkie began her desperate search in haste, and with little sense of direction she almost turned the entire place upside down. Still no luck, though.
"G-Gummy... I know I said I was happy to do all the dirty work myself, but I really need your help right now." Pinkie stammered from under a heap of various cooking ingredients. "Now think very carefully. When I took the elusive card home after getting everypony's signatures inside, where was the last place you saw it? You don't have to answer straightaway: just clear your mind, and picture a huge envelope covered in hearts and kisses. Ready? Go! I'll be waiting."
The fact that Pinkie planned to rely on a mute alligator to help her track down this priceless item might've come off as being a tad optimistic, but she had the utmost faith in the reptile and nothing would persuade her otherwise. And who knows, sometimes miracles happened.
"W-What? You mean to tell me, you remembered exactly where I put the card, even without having to think about it? Of course! My super-secret locker in the downstairs basement, designed to stash only the most valuable of goods!! Oh, Gummy! What would I do without you... no, don't answer that. The possibility is too horrible to contemplate, and I'm trying to keep a good atmosphere for the party. Now, if you'll excuse me, my darling..."
Whether Gummy came to Pinkie's aid in her hour of need, or if it was a simple flash of inspiration that caused her to remember, who can say. Pinkie was indeed a very 'unique' pony, and any attempt to analyse her behaviour must certainly be discouraged in the strongest possible terms, because therein lies the path to madness.
In any case, Pinkie wasted no more time in rushing straight down the steps which inexorably led to the lowest level of Sugarcube Corner, that creepy crawlies called home and where old baby stuff tended to be stored.
The soundproofed basement also doubled as a great location to unwind when the weight of the world threatened to crush your spirit. After all, another incident like the one where the party pony flattened her mane and dumped her friends for a selection of inanimate objects was definitely not advisable or desirable.
For now though, it's main function was as a convenient safehouse for Pinkie's special card. Almost every citizen of Ponyville had expressed their felicitations to the new arrival, and if there was any lingering trace of homesickness in Maud's mind, seeing all those inked well-wishes would surely put them to bed.
"Now let's see... what was the combination to the lock again?" Pinkie pondered in earnest, racking her brain for the solution. "It's my horseshoe size, along with my weight isn't it? Nah, it's the date the Cake twins learned to crawl, and the amount of teeth they have! Nope, that was last week's password. Hang on! I've just figured it out, and with this complete guess I'm definitely, undoubtedly, abso-posi-lutely 120% right. It's of course when my good pal Twilight Sparkle arrived in Ponyville for the first time, combined with the age of her cute little assistant, Spike. So all I have to do is turn the wheel here, release these gears there, and exert some pressure. Ta-da! Time to say hello to Mr Card... oh, dear."
As events transpired, it was more like saying hello to 'Mr Handcuffs', as a raucous alarm suddenly sounded in the background and Pinkie felt a pair of robotic arms from down below clamp restraints on her fore and hind hooves. She wasn't too surprised by her apparent capture though... these were traps set up by her in the first place, you see.
An underrated whiz with electronics, was our Pinkie. One of her many hidden talents: I would tell you more, but then I'd have to... well, let's not go there, shall we?
"Oh darn it, I completely forgot... Twilight took the early balloon here the previous day because of the bad weather forecast later. It's a shame Rainbow wasn't here to help me solve the puzzle, she would've got it right first try." Pinkie said with an undercurrent of regret, as she struggled to move with her new 'accessories' on. "I suppose I did go slightly overboard on the whole 'burglar alarm booby trap' thing. After all, it's not like this card is of practical value to anypony besides me and Maud. ...Unless someone discovered how much it meant to us and stole it, later trying to ransom it off for all the eclairs we have in stock. So maybe I did do the right thing... but seeing as I've been hoisted by my own pea-tart, maybe not. Aargh! I'm so confused right now!"
...............................
Meanwhile as Pinkie was lost in her own thoughts, Maud had finally arrived upstairs with Boulder so he could help Pinkie make some top class rock cakes (at least, that was the excuse the party pony had used to lure her there for the big bash later).
Tagging along was none other than her boyfriend Mudbriar, who'd decided to pop by to say hi to Pinkie as well. The sight of the food-encrusted walls together with the whole now not-so-secret set-up for the party might have provoked more of a reaction in others. For this notoriously impassive couple though, all it caused was a brief exchange of views.
"I see your sister's been busy baking again. Though technically, it's more like she was making a mess." Mudbriar observed bluntly to his partner.
"Yep. She's always been good at that. And letting others clean it up afterwards." Maud nodded, her voice sounding as monotone as ever.
"Also, I can see she's put a lot of effort into making this room as gloomy as possible, with the whole dullish colour scheme. Green and brown are more my style, but I can certainly appreciate a job well done when I see it. Tell me: do you think this is all because of your birthday today?" Mudbriar inquired with fractional curiosity.
"Yes, and I must say I think it looks beautiful. Even though I kind of expected it, when she invited me round earlier." Maud agreed, her deadpan voice as moved by the experience as much as it ever could be. "Where has she gone, though? I thought she'd want to see my reaction when I came through the door, but she's nowhere to be seen. There's Gummy over there, but don't expect him to tell us anything. He's not the life and soul of the party that Boulder is. Wait a second..."
Maud went over to a nearby door which appeared to have been left open, and promptly closed it. "That was close. Pinkie has always told me that next to her secret party-planning cave, there's no place more sacred to her than the basement where she unwinds from the stresses of the day, and it must be kept shut at all times."
"Erm..." Mudbriar raised an eyebrow, wondering what his marefriend was talking about. "What 'secret party-planning cave'? Oh, you mean the cavern she showed me, when we first met. What's so special about that?"
"Uh oh." Maud remarked plainly, thinking perhaps she'd said too much. "Forget I ever said anything. Tell you what: seeing as there's nopony else around, why don't we continue our conversation from earlier, while we're waiting for everypony else to show up?"
"You mean, the whole 'sticks vs pebbles' argument?" Mudbriar frowned, thinking that this particular controversy was well and truly settled. "I thought I'd won that dispute at a canter. Sticks float, pebbles can't. Sticks can create fire, pebbles can only spark. The only round pebbles win is 'which could make the best paperweight'."
"I wasn't talking about that, silly. And I hope you realise, that debate is still ongoing." Maud refused to budge in her view of which the superior natural resource was, but now wanted to discuss something else. "I meant that other thing. You know..."
"Oh. Oh!!" Mudbriar suddenly grasped exactly what his marefriend was getting at, and if you didn't know any better, you'd swear that the greyest of stallions turned intensely crimson for a second. "A-Are you sure? This is in the middle of a public place, after all. What happens if we're overheard? That lizard over there: I could've swear he was staring at me a moment ago..."
"Who, Gummy? Don't worry: despite what Pinkie says, I don't think anything registers in his head. I'm not even convinced he actually sleeps." Maud said cryptically, whilst waving a stray hoof in front of the immobile reptile. "Also, if I know my sister, she'll have shut down the entire shop today in honour of my birthday. In other words, we're all alone for now, and we won't be disturbed until she gets back. So, do you want to start, or shall I? I believe it's your turn."
"V-Very well, here goes nothing." Mudbriar still had more than a few reservations at doing this, but Maud could be surprisingly assertive when she wanted to be. "My dear wood nymph, when I see you from the yonder treetops it's like my primary branch goes stiff. I want to plant my seed in your plot, to make you bloom like you've never blossomed before, to hide away in your hollow where it's safe and dark and moist, and my harvesting of you can be completed with the coming of the deflowering season."
"Oh, my darling Rock Of Ages..." now it was Maud's turn to begin her speech, and boy did she feel up for it. "When I feel your solidness inside me, the density and mass of the tallest mountain have nothing in comparison to your pointed peak. I want you to erupt inside me like a volcano, to make the ground shake like an earthquake. I'm stoned for your love, crystallised by your touch, besotted by your gravelly voice. On the precipice of love, we are but a mighty avalanche tumbling down a hill together, destroying all obstacles in our path with our unstoppable devotion."
"My beautiful, innocent sycamore!" Mudbriar cooed, all previous misgivings cast aside in the throes of infatuation. "Come, cast your tender tendrils around my summit!"
"With pleasure, my most precious of rare gems!" Maud simpered in turn, as she approached the stallion with longing in her eyes.
"Let me play in your shrubbery!"
"I want to explore your twin grottos!"
"It's time to nibble at the forbidden fruit!"
"Shatter me like so much talc!"
And so on, and so forth... until the air was positively drenched with innuendo-laden flirting, inhibitions were gradually lowered and the unavoidable happened.
It was their first time too, and didn't they make the most of it.
If you'd listened really closely though through the predictable sounds of passion, you may well have heard a series of smaller screams emanating from the lower floor.
Maud and Mudbriar were far too involved in their present activity to heed such a faint call though, and their carnal thrills continued on unheeded.
...................................
Knock knock. "Can we come in"?
Twilight and company had finally finished their classes for the day, and now showed up at Sugarcube Corner as previously arranged for Maud's party.
Upon receiving no reply, Twilight decided to take the initiative by trying the door... and to her surprise, the handle turned.
What greeted them inside was not quite what they expected. Smushed-up food everywhere, signs of an almighty struggle on the floor, and absolutely no sign of Pinkie or Maud. Only Gummy was within sight, his perpetual kitchen table vigil unaffected by the obvious pandemonium which'd taken place there earlier.
Suspecting foul play immediately, Twilight nodded to her companions to take a firm battle stance. Applejack, Starlight and Rainbow Dash joined her up front, Rarity and Fluttershy supported the rear and Spike provided essential air support with his fiery breath.
"A one, a two, a three... let's go!"
All seven dived into the main party room, ready to take on all comers... only to find everything there in relative order. It was nicely decorated, the birthday cake was laid out, thoughtful gifts were waiting to be unwrapped by the lucky birthday mare...
....who also just so happened to be fast asleep in the middle of the room with her beau Mudbriar close by, a large piece of unused wrapping paper covering them haphazardly like a makeshift blanket.
And just as the sheepish ponies there began putting everything together (Spike was still far too young to know about such things) one burning question still remained: where on Equestria had Pinkie got to?
The answer to that little conundrum came with the sound of a door being kicked down, and a crazily grinning pink mare came stumbling into view. "Free at last! Free at last! Thank Celestia almighty I'm free at last! Here's Maud's card, now I must dash off to decontaminate my brain. No more of the rock puns and the plant metaphors and the shouting and the screaming and the pounding and the... Aargh! I bet Cheese Sandwich never has to put up with anything like this...!"
It was then that the traumatised party pony left a real impression... by jumping straight through the brick wall to carry on her incoherent gibbering around town unabated.
This was swiftly followed by Maud stirring next to a still-snoring Mudbriar, to stretch out her hooves and not betray the slightest bit of concern at what she'd been caught doing. In fact, she was even smiling slightly. "Evening everyone. Another Pinkie-shaped hole to fill in? You'll get used to it. Don't worry about her, she'll be back as soon as she's calmed down. Hasn't she done such a good job, setting everything up? Shall we 'get the party started', as they say? Oh, I think that card is for me."
So it was on that day, that Twilight and the others realised something very important...
The Crazy Gene didn't just run through the Pie family. It practically galloped.
Author's Note
Here's something else a little different from me. Isn't it fun, having so much time on your hands, to put all your ideas into story form instead of letting them rot? More soon, and as always, please comment. 
