“We have contact.”
Those three words rang out unopposed in the room of stressed out scientists, usually inclined to get into small squabbling arguments about which approaches to take, and how long they ought to be tried for. But those three words made all their arguments moot.
I remember standing there when Jeff Redhand made that announcement, just as stunned as all the other scientists. It felt as if I shouldn't have participated in this accomplishment. I'd only passed by to get a quick idea about how they were progressing, as a sort of liaison to the Alternate Pentagon to see how well they were meeting our objectives, if they warranted an expansion and more funding, or if our resources were better directed elsewhere.
The person that had been showing me around, espousing his near-propogandish belief that we continue to search and probe for aliens in order to avoid an eventual Columbian Exchange, was no longer speaking, and it was clear he no longer needed to make his small group of scientists look good.
“Guys, we have contact,” Jeff Redhand re-iterated, as if nobody had heard him the first time. His mussed brown hair partially covered his right eye, and he didn't bother to move it.
Everybody, including me, rushed to his computer terminal.
“What are the settings you used?!” someone practically screeched.
“Don't worry, I'll send it to you. Just listen.”
Everyone immediately went silent, and listened to the sound of a female voice humming an unknown tune. Occasionally she'd stop singing and say something, but the language she spoke sounded nothing like the languages I'd heard about, broken up into a syntax that seemed unlike anything else I'd ever heard. Her voice was quiet and soft, but of course, slightly drowned out by audio distortion.
Someone asked, “How do you know we aren't just recording a woman's voice from somewhere on Earth?”
Jeff pointed at another screen, “our Satellites aren't pointed that way. So either that screen's wrong, or we've made actual alien contact.”
“How hard will it be to talk to them?” I asked.
He turned around and looked at me, almost as if he were saying 'are you serious?!'. “We haven't even started that yet. I'm pretty sure you made it clear to us in our original agreement that we only had to search for incoming audio signals.”
Like an asshole stickler, I said, “So we actually haven't made contact. We found reception.”
“Sure,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“But, if you were to work on sending a signal to these creatures, how long do you think it'd take? Now that you can hear them, it should be easy enough to talk to them right?”
“No, absolutely not,” he said. “Those two things are completely different. To actually talk to them, we need to pinpoint the origin of their signal in the first place. And we don't even know what they did to make their own voices project this far.”
I rubbed my chin, contemplating. “You're going to want more funding aren't you.”
He spread his arms, “I'll take whatever you decide to throw at me.”
“I'll see what I can do,” I said. Some unexplained emotion wanted to bubble out of me, maybe excitement? Rather something more similar to fatherly pride.
As I left, it seemed like the whole room breathed a sigh of relief, some people rushed back to their computers, but most of them spontaneously hugged each other. It would've been nice to share in the moment, but I knew that this was not my accomplishment.
The door to the lab closed behind me, and I made my way to the airport with a smile on my face.
I nervously massaged my hands on the solid mahogany table I was sitting at, in company with a lot more important people than I was usually accustomed to. There were some Lieutenant Generals I didn't recognize, some Generals I most definitely did recognize, and at the very end of the table sat the Defense Secretary. What a way to pump a man's anxiety level to eleven.
“I've seen the video, has everyone seen the video?” the Defense Secretary, James Esper said. “It's pretty good. Here, let's play it, in case someone hasn't seen it yet.” He clicked a button on the remote that was sitting on the table, turning on the overhead projector. The video was already loaded and it was just a black screen, since we were only supposed to be listening to audio.
After he clicked another button, the same woman's voice hummed the tune I'd heard 12 hours ago in the lab. All the men in the room sat back, and I heard some of them inhale with surprise. The fact that the lab rats from Albuquerque had managed to find a 'female' alien voice in the first place would no doubt help funding, and I couldn't help but feel a bit of mirth that things just worked out that way.
The video wasn't very long, and finished in about five minutes. Longer sequences were no doubt in analysis, it just wasn't likely that a longer video would make much of a difference to us, since it was all unintelligible in the first place.
After the video finished, James spoke up again, “thoughts?”
One of the generals, George Stairwell, a slightly shorter man, but filled out and stocky, spoke up, “My first instinct is to find a way to communicate with them, but I'm not sure we should be doing that just yet.”
“Yeah,” a 3-star spoke up. “Don't tip your hand until you gather more intel.”
“We don't want to wait too long though,” I said, “Every day we wait is another day our rival country could discover this opportunity and steal it from us.”
“Yes,” the defense secretary said, “that is something we are all aware of I think, and I'm not sure either approach is one hundred percent correct. Both actions incur some risk. At some point we'll have to decide if this alien race is more of a threat, or if it is our sister nation.”
George said, “For now, I'd like to wait until we can figure out their language. Once we know about the kinds of things they talk about, it might be easier to make a risk assessment.”
I couldn't help but speak up again, “I understand where I stand here, but please, we start finding ways to communicate now. One of the top scientists at the Seti institute explained that sending information to these creatures would take quite a bit more work to accomplish, and that before they even tried to construct a way to send a signal far enough, they'd have to figure out where the voices were coming from in the first place. If we don't start now, it could take another fives years of delay until we're properly able to communicate with them.”
“Don't get me wrong,” George said, face turning red, “I intend to send more funding their way, but there need to be specific rules to follow so that we can minimize the impact to our country, because of this unprecedented encounter. I understand that you're passionate about this subject, that's why we have you serving as a part time liaison for these guys, but while we plan to do everything in our power to minimize the delays our boys in the lab might experience, I will rely on my personal experience and enforce it to ensure the safety of my country.”
Everyone else grunted in approval.
The 3-star asked, “details sorted out later?”
“Naturally,” the defense secretary responded.
Jeff wasn't happy about what I had to tell him.
“They're fucking us!” he said. “All outward transmissions postponed?! There's no way we'll be able to test anything! How long is this going to last?”
“Until further notice,” I soberly explained. “You've got to understand, I did what I could, but these guys weren't hearing it.”
“Stubborn assholes.”
“Hey,” I said in a deep voice. “Keep your professional courtesy.”
“Yeah, but how am I supposed to get their attention if they just keep making their own decisions? This is the next space race, there's no time to sit back and wait to see what happens. Only the bold survive in this universe. We're already sitting on a ticking time bomb with who knows what wandering around out in space. Surely you realize these creatures can help us grow? Help us learn?”
“Well, we're not going to have a program if you choose to continue bad mouthing your superiors. As much as I'd like to say the people higher up are infallible pieces of machinery they're not. They're just human, and we have to work with them. Deny their authority and it defeats the purpose of what we stand for as a country in the first place.”
He shrugged, “I'm not going to go out of my way to piss them off, but I'm not going to act like I'm enjoying this.”
“I'm not asking you to. And you're still allowed to push back, but do your job. Believe it or not, I want this nearly as badly as you do.”
“I know you know,” he chuckled.
“Oh, by the way,” I continued. “You're trying to figure out the signal origin point right?”
“Yeah, but as expected, we're not making too much progress yet. You know how radio signals are transmitted in circular bursts right?”
“Just like light goes in all directions.”
“Exactly,” he said, “but that alone should be fairly easy. The hard part is that the same signal likes to interfere with itself. It's like there's some anomaly out there in space, disrupting the signal, and forcing portions of it to cross over itself. Every time we track something down, it doesn't lead anywhere. You would think it'd be easy enough to spot the parts of space that regularly deflect the signals, but even that seems to be random.”
“And yet, you're still able to get consistent audio from this alien planet.”
He nodded, “It's like there's some invisible creature fucking with us on purpose. We've gotten permission to let a few other research groups know about this, and all of them are confused as hell, it's unlike anything they've even seen before.”
“What type of researchers?”
“We've talked to the guys at Tenmo and Stellaris, their physicists kept asking for more info, and it actually makes me kind of glad the government works slowly in that regard, I can keep focused on my work while all the info just sits in approvals and stagnates.”
“Ha, silver lining I guess.”
“Yeah for now,” his face went dark. “As soon as we figure out where the siganl's coming from though, I'm not sure what other work I'd be able to do.”
“Figure out their language?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Not my field of study. If you want a status update, talk to the linguistics guys we brought on.”
Geoffery Stallman was the lead linguistics guy. Unlike Jeff, he carried himself with a bent back, and didn't have all that much muscle on him. His hands shook a lot every time he grabbed stuff, and I wasn't sure if he had health problems.
“Sooo...” I trailed off.
“Yeah?” he asked, a little lackadaisically, more focused on the cryptic figures he'd written on a piece of paper in front of him.
“Any progress?”
He didn't respond for a few seconds, “Some.”
I scratched my head, “then explain it.”
He whirled around and looked at me, “Oh. Ok.”
A pause.
I waited for him. It was clear from the faraway look in his eyes that he was thinking.
“Soooo, yeah. I have some of the phonemes figured out. In case you don't know what those are, phonemes are basic utterances. Shorter than syllables. I'm going to need way more data than this if you want me to figure out some of the higher level structures.”
“How much were the guys able to give you?”
He tilted his head, “about 10 minutes worth I'd say. I think the creature was singing. Their sentences were repetitive, so I wasn't able to capture too much variation in her language. I kind of dig it to be honest, they should release this to the public. It'd get really popular.”
I shook my head, “Just how much content would you want?”
“Welllllll, uh, a lot. That's not specific. I'd say a weeks worth? 24 hours times 7 days, 168 hours of content sounds good. And I'm going to need more people to split the load, imagine me going through 168 hours of content on my own. I'd finish the tapes once, remember nothing, and have to start them all over again!”
My eyebrows furrowed. “So, we were able to get five minutes when we got first contact, how come we're only at ten minutes?”
“Something about that specific creature's routine. I dunno. You'd think they could just pick the place to eavesdrop at, but apparently it doesn't work that way. So they always need to wait for her to come back, and then it's a scramble again, for everyone to make sure they capture all the little details about her voice. I think they use vocal chords by the way, to speak. It sounds like vocal chords to me.”
Noticing that he'd gotten back into his work while talking, I left.
Our progress continued like this for a few years. Minor discoveries made by focused and persistent effort. The kind of work you'd immediately assume you knew from the start. However, over time these discoveries accumulated and compared to when we first started out, we knew a considerable amount about these creatures. All of it dictated by one member of their species, who only occasionally made themselves heard by our instruments.
The ban on our transmission testing lifted in light of an interesting development...
It was a one-on-one meeting with General Stairwell. He did not seem particularly pleased to see me, and I couldn't help but feel this meant good news.
“There's no need to set up communication anymore,” he said.
I blinked rapidly. “What?” Thoughts whirled as I tried to think of a way to save this. What had convinced the General to cut funding?
“Before I continue, understand that this information could severely hurt the safety of our country if it ever got out. There would be no forgiveness if I found out you let it slip somehow. The guys at the Seti institute need to know this as well.”
“Does this mean funding's cut?”
He chuckled, “is that all that matters to you guys? Even if I had all of you disbanded you'd get redistributed to other areas. Work for the government isn't exactly an engineer's idea of a good time, so we take what we can get.”
“I guess it's sort of a parental attachment I've had to these guys. I want to see this succeed as much as possible.”
“Well, congrats,” he droned. “If you thought what you were doing now was crazy, it's time to get your seat-belt buckled even tighter.”
“Alright,” I said, a bit irritated he was leading me on like this. “So? What's the news?”
“It is probably obvious to you at this point, but we don't need to make the transmission technology because they contacted us.”
I didn't respond, and the words hung in the air for a moment.
He continued, “Somehow, the creatures caught wind that you were listening in on them. I don't know how, but this only confirms that I underestimated them. Either way, it's too late, they know we're here, and I suspect they have capabilities far stronger than ours. We will not gain anything sneaking around, trying to covertly get information. They've proven they can catch that. The only way forward is to talk to them directly, through the methods they've devised, in the hopes that we can gain some sort of strategic advantage using their technology while we interact with them.”
“Ok,” I said, shellshocked. “What do I do now?”
“I have you slated for a meeting in 30 minutes,” he looked at his watch. “At o-eight hundred hours. It's a briefing, and you're our only available candidate at the moment. Congrats, you're a diplomat now.”
“Shit.”
George Stairwell looked at me soberly. “Yes, get ready, now.”
It was about a twenty minute drive to the pre-determined 'first contact' location. When I got there, I attempted to put my combination into the door keypad, failed, and then walked over to a corner of the building and threw up. Stringy strands of saliva hung from my lips no matter how many times I tried to wipe it away. I tried to spit what was left from my mouth, but that forced me to taste it. I threw up again.
Thankfully, no one was there to watch me.
I would have looked for a way to clean it up, but I was supposed to arrive at the briefing in five minutes. This was a new building too, so I had no idea how the layout of it worked.
After walking back to the door, my hands were shaking too badly to put my number in. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put my hand to my chest. Then as I breathed out, I extended my hand outwards. It calmed me considerably, and even though my hands were still shaking, I was able to interact with the door and get it open.
From there, I was able to find the room, but got lost once, so that the second I walked into the briefing, the person in charge of hosting the meeting immediately got started.
“Today marks a significant turning point for the human race, and I'm sure that for most of you, it goes without saying,” the presenters eyes wandered around the room, and then rested on me, before widening in surprise and glancing away. “In one hour you will establish contact with an alien species in a secure room, sealed off from everything else in the building, equipped with hazmat suits.”
I raised my quivering hand.
“Yes,” he squinted, trying to read my nametag, “Kurt.”
“Aren't we just talking to them? Why would we need hazmat suits?”
“It was a requirement of theirs that you meet in person. Somehow, they have the capability to bridge worlds, and we were able to negotiate a more favorable position based on this one exception.”
Everyone else nodded in approval, and I just sat there, feeling some sense of growing dread, but that was probably because I was running out of energy.
The man continued, “That is generally not what I'm here to talk to you about today though. This is in regards to what you're allowed to reveal about our country. So Kurt,” he said looking at me, and then, “John,” he said, looking at another man I didn't know.
John, a balding man in his forties, nodded.
“Under any circumstances, you are not allowed to talk about the atrocities committed by humanity in any context. That goes for genocide, homicide, deaths at war, torture, rape, molestation, and kidnapping, among other crimes not listed here that could lead the creatures to understand the worst about us. We don't know what these creatures value, and if they learn that members of our species have committed these crimes, they may seek to serve as their own arbiters of justice. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” John said.
“Yes,” I also said.
“And although it goes without saying, classified information that you may have learned in your time serving the government is also off limits, information not included in this briefing that has associated rules on Earth should also be applied to your interactions with these creatures. Do you understand?”
“Yes,” we both agreed.
“One final thing, you are allowed to talk to the creatures about our weapons of war, but they are only allowed to know about it in the context of preventative measures. Should they ask if you used the weapons, you will deny it, and explain that they only exist to facilitate peace between countries that don't necessarily see eye-to-eye.” He looked at me for no apparent reason. “Also if you ever do talk about weapons, exaggerate. As much as possible, we need this new race to fear us, to prevent potential invasions. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“If you have any doubts about the rules I just posited, asked a member of the ETSA for guidance.”
“What's that stand for?” I asked,
“Extra-terrestrial security agency,” he said, looking at me, then continued, “Understand that negligent behavior will result in the immediate removal of your person from this project, and could result in jail time if the negligent behavior has a large impact on the security of our country as a whole, or threatens the livelihood of our citizens.”
Both of us nodded soberly. It looked like John felt the pressure too. His hands white-knuckle clutched at his beige slacks, and I couldn't help but feel nervous for him.
“Ok,” the presenter nodded. “You have 25 minutes to read through 30 pages of dense legalese, after which we'll expect your signature that you've read this. It should cover the specifics about what we just talked about here. Chances are, in practice, you wont have to worry about the details, but for the higher-ups' assurance, we need to make sure you understand what it is that you are getting into.”
That sounded a lot like I was signing up as a scapegoat, but I let the man hand me the thick stack of papers.
Even a threat to my life wouldn't keep me away from this opportunity.
As soon as the hazard suit slipped over me, I felt a wave of panic. The taste of bile remained in my mouth, and it occurred to me that vomiting now would not be a pleasant experience. I was able to keep myself calm, for now, but I really didn't know what to expect of these creatures. And there were many ways for things to go wrong. Perhaps my concerns were pessimistic, but I gave myself only a moderate chance of surviving this encounter.
Even with my bulletproof, pressure-resistant, chemical-resistant hazmat suit.
John actually started wheezing when they put the suit over him, and I couldn't help but note that at least, if something bad did happen, he would be the first to die.
The people that helped get us dressed checked for holes in the suits, and after they were done with that, they herded us into a metal room guarded by a door with a large ringed handle, sort of like the kind you'd see on top of a submarine hatch.
When the door closed behind us, it became very obvious to me that I was living out a few of the tropes for horror movies I'd seen recently.
A voice broke out over the intercom, “Five minutes until first contact. Remain prepared.”
For five hellish minutes John and I stood there, trying to avoid the obvious thought that we were lab rats to serve as bait for these creatures.
Finally, a bright light consumed the room, and it seemed to originate from the wall opposite to us. I closed my eyes, but after I opened them again, a square rectangle about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide had opened up from the metal wall.
It seemed to lead to the alien's home planet, which looked subterranean in nature. Dirt and shining blue roots made up the walls and ceiling of the passageway as far as I could see, until the passage curved to the left about 40 meters away.
“I hear...voices,” John mused, entranced. Either he was in shock, or his fear had been erased and replaced by wonder.
Now that I listened closer, there were indeed voices, growing louder as the creatures approached. My heart beat furiously as I waited for them to come around the bend. Walking through the portal would no doubt expedite the process, but that occurred to me as a very bad idea.
And just like that they rounded the corner.
Even though my eyes flitted up to meet theirs, it didn't really register to me that I had, in fact, made eye contact with an alien species. The significance of the moment was completely lost on me as I examined their surprising similarity to equines. However, their heads appeared rounded, and their bodies more squat and short than usual.
“Holy shit,” John mumbled. “They're fucking My Little Pony characters.”
I'd never heard of it, but the title struck me as a children's show. What were the odds that we'd found an alien race fashioned after a series of our own invention?
They continued marching towards us, and eventually, crossed into the bare metal room.
John approached, but I hung back, still slightly concerned about them. Were they using some sort of mental manipulation to make me perceive them as some kind of show character? I never recalled seeing them before, in TV shows, but perhaps I'd seen one in passing, and that they were somehow latching onto that.
The creatures had come in a group of three. One of them was blocky looking, and I instinctively felt as if that one was male. The others appeared more rounded, and slightly more petite. The male pony, or stallion, had fur colored red, a yoke on his back, and a mane of light orange. One of the mares had purple fur and a mane of slightly darker purple. On her head was a small protrusion, which was the same color as her fur. The other had yellow fur with a mane of pink.
The purple one appeared the most aggressive, and immediately started poking and prodding at John. It looked like the suit did well to resist their efforts, and to the ponies' chagrin it was making it difficult for them to size him up.
John was not particularly happy about this and tried to swat them away. “Hey, hey!” he protested, flailing his arms.
I walked over to them to try and intervene, and the purple pony turned her head immediately, eyes widening with what looked like realization. She whistled to the stallion, said something in a language I didn't understand, and pointed in my direction.
As the stallion approached me I backed away slowly, trying to indicate with my hands that I needed space. He was unperturbed and grabbed me around the neck with the crook of his arm. Somehow gripping me within the ungainly suit. I could not stop him as he dragged me across the room, towards to portal.
I screamed, and tried to hit his arm with my hands, but the suit made it hard to move at all, so I looked more akin to a pathetic marshmallow man attempting to wiggle around as the pony inevitably dragged me through the portal.
It looked like John was trying to help me, but the mares were holding him back.
I was suddenly on dirt, instead of metal, and the mares dashed toward me, closing the portal behind them.
The last thing I saw before the portal closed was John's horrified face, before I found myself face-to-face with a mirror, the ponies reflected from behind me.
It occurred to me that I was fucked, so I decided to pass out instead of deal with whatever wonderful things they had planned for me.
When I woke up again, it was still dark, but instead of blue light, the cavern seemed lit up with a green aura. Various sacks of insect cocoons dotted the walls of the cavern, and they seemed to be the source of the glow. I could see silhouettes of bug creatures outlined in each one. I did not want them to hatch.
A voice spoke up from a dark corner. From the sound alone, it reeked of rot and decay, but filled the cavern with vibrations, pounding my chest, forcing my heart to stutter in disgust. I could not understand it. Neither did I want to.
It spoke again, more urgently this time, as the figure in the darkness unfolded itself, a few limbs moving in the dim light, barely visible.
I did not respond. I had no idea how I would appease this creature. Looking at the ground below me, I noticed that it was littered in bug carapaces, most of it as a fine mulch. Some larger pieces dotted the landscape, and it looked like they were dotted with swiss cheese holes.
As the creature approached me, I slowly grew to understand just how large it was. The other ponies had been diminutive compared to this, shoulders barely reaching up to my chest level. The thing that approached me now had to be at least twice that height.
I bowed to it, hoping that would help. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably.
A loud hiss grated at my ears like TV static. I didn't realize until much later that it had been laughter.
When I looked up again, the pony, no, bug stood before me. It's quadruped legs had holes in them, and from its forehead a single misshapen horn stood out. It's eyes burned into me with terrifying green intensity, and deeper down, I saw something even more terrifying.
Sentience.
It's mane had a grey pallor in the green light, and from its body stuck out shredded wings.
It brought its face closer to mine, and whispered, “Cssssrk, khaaaaaa.”
I shook my head rapidly, straining my neck in the process. It didn't hurt yet, my adrenaline had me fully topped up.
The creature looked at me in disdain and its horn glowed with a sickly green pallor.
I didn't have the time to realize I'd been knocked out.
I was startled to find I could open my eyes again. “What? Where am I?” I mumbled. The sounds I made came out bubbly, and I seemed to perceive everything with a greenish tint.
From outside I heard some quiet voices. Once again, they were in a language that I did not understand, but it seemed similar to the sounds clips we'd retrieved a while ago. Their voices were rushed, erratic, excited.
It looked like there were five ponies in the room. One of them was the purple mare from my initial encounter, two of them had head protrusions like hers, which I guessed were horns.
The purple mare approached.
I wanted to get away from her, but I realized I was trapped in...something. Panicking and claustrophobic I breathed deep terrified breathes. The air didn't feel right either, and I felt the instinctive urge to throw up. Even my gag reflex felt suppressed, and my dry heaving attempts were unsuccessful. At the very least, it looked like I was out of my hazmat suit, so if I did eventually throw up, it wouldn't end up as actual hell on Earth.
The purple pony's horn glowed and grabbed a scalpel. Quickly, it cut through a membrane that surrounded my body.
The edges fell back, and sticky liquid pulled at my skin as it flowed off of me. In an instinctive defensive maneuver I projectile vomited green residue from my lungs onto the purple mare. She did not look pleased.
I regretted doing that, seeing as she was the one holding the scalpel.
But, she kept her composure, put the scalpel down, uttered a few things to the other ponies, and walked out the room.
The two ponies with horns stood back as a glowing aura formed on their foreheads. Coincidentally, my body hovered as it was enveloped in an aura with similar colors.
The two ponies without the horn approached me with towels and went about drying me off.
It didn't seem like they wanted to hurt me, for now. So I let them continue. And it wasn't like there was anything I could do while I rested in midair. My biggest concern, I wasn't sure who I could consider my allies, or why I'd ended up in the possession of ponies, bug creatures, and then ponies again.
After drying me off, they placed me on a dry bed, and it occurred to me I wasn't wearing clothes. A soft blanket was placed over me, and that gave me the assurance that they weren't going to start any dissections for the time being. I simply waited as the four ponies left.
Finally, the purple pony returned, much drier than she'd been a few hours ago. I sat up, breathing quickly. She could be back for revenge, and I knew she had levitation powers. A breakfast tray, full of pancakes, syrup, and hash sat on the desk next to me. To show I meant business, I picked it up, dumped out the food, and brandished it.
She winced, and said something irritably.
I cupped my ear, still holding the tray. It looked like she was trying to communicate, and didn't mean harm yet. Another thing I'd learned, if her horn lights up, she's using magic. So if that happens, I should attack.
Her brow furrowed for a moment, but understanding dawned on her.
She lit of up her horn and I threw the tray at her.
I tried to get up in order to continue my attack, but was too weak. In fear, I glanced at where the scalpel had been laid, trying to detect sudden movement.
She stomped her hoof angrily, and launched the tray out the window with her telekinetic powers.
A cat screeched, and she cringed again. I did too.
When her horn sparked to life a second time, I tried to dodge, but only succeeded in flopping my arms.
Her horn stopped glowing, and thankfully she hadn't used her scalpel on me. It seemed uncharacteristic of these ponies to treat me so kindly after they kidnapped me. Was it something about their society that I didn't understand? To involuntarily kidnap members of another species, hand them to bug creatures, release them from bug capsules, and then give them a bit of breakfast in the morning?
“Can you understand me?” she asked.
“What the fuuuuuck,” I droned, too tired to think of anything else to say.
“If you can understand me hold up your right limb,” she said.
I looked at her, “I can understand you.”
“Ah!” she screamed. “Whoah, suddenly sentient, wasn't expecting that.”
“I'm talking to a pony.”
“Yes,” she said. “And you vomited all over me.”
I could only muster a shit-eating grin. “You don't fuck with the-HUUURGPH”
She chuckled. “At least this is a start.”
All The Myriad Personalities
5 days later...
I walked up to Boss Affogato's with Lyra and felt a general excitement that she'd gone with me. Cafe smells already hit me full force and my hands occasionally brushed the tips of her mane. The way we walked together certainly felt like test of my own priors as to what we really meant to each other. Initially she seemed kind of like a pet, but something more? An acquaintance?
Imagine you had a pet dog, and then suddenly found out it was just as smart as you.
The words to describe such a relationship never existed where I used to live, so I just kept walking with her, taking things a step at a time, whilst doing my best to ignore my discomfort.
She looked at me with excitement bordering on innocence, but the gleam of something sharp deeper below. “What're you gonna get?”
I shrugged, and then did my best to look noble as I said, “R-r-r-r,” I made sure to roll my r's, “robusta on monsooooooooo-”
She punched me in the face.
“Ah!” I took a step back, and braced myself in a defensive posture. It would take a while for a me to get used to their affectionate version of a “slap”. “What the fuck?!”
“You always say that!”
“So, I get it, my antics are funny, but don't hit me so goddamn hard.” I continued walking to catch back up to her. “Believe it or not, our species don't abuse its members for fun.” I rubbed my cheek, face red with justified anger.
“Some of them do.”
“Well, yeah, but not the ones we know about.”
“They still do.”
“Either way!” I shrilled. “At least we don't have to bend our knee to a monarch.”
She looked at me with disdain, which morphed into understanding, and then a smile. Like a shepard's crook, her arm locked around my neck and forced me to squat at her level. “Viva la resistance.”
“Ha!” I involuntarily laughed, startling her. “Don't think this will make up for it.” It did though.
Our small little delay aside, we finally walked into the cafe amidst the bustling cheerful serving ponies.
“What'll it be for you?” One of the waitresses asked while practically throwing a coffee at one of the customers, already ten feet down the aisleway, but no doubt attentive to my response.
I clapped my hands together to mark the beginning of my order even though there was no social requirement to do so. “I'll have the r-r-r-r”
“No!” Lyra yelled.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at us. A foal started crying.
“H-he-,” she stuttered.
“I would like the robusta on monsooned coffee please.”
Lyra shot daggers at me.
“And you?” the waitress asked, directing her attention to Lyra, performing brilliantly under the pressure of the inquisitive stares of the restaurants patrons, no doubt fueled by her competitive desire to show Lyra that she was the work horse.
“Anything black,” Lyra said dismissively. “Like, as bitter as you can make it.”
The waitress flinched, taken aback, and I nodded sagely at Lyra's power move. That waitress clearly drank half-baked, milk-white, caramel macchiatos, and while it no doubt contained stronger caffeine, it wasn't like the customers in the store knew that. But then again, it's not like they'd be able to guess what kind of coffee that waitress drank anyways.
Nevertheless, the waitress broke the silence, which meant Lyra won, and the serving pony rushed out to get her the coffee she asked for.
I mentally prepared myself in advance to switch coffee with my good and picky acquaintance. If only she hadn't ordered it that bitter, and there was no way for me to know if the waitress had done anything to it.
A hoof poked my ribs. “Hey, hey,” Lyra said, “stop zoning out and focus on your job. You're here on business right?”
We walked to an open table and I kinda shrugged. “In my profession, it gets a little blurred.” I squinted in confusion. “But wait, wouldn't you already know that?”
“As an Equestrian diplomat?”
“As an Equestrian I could see yourself especially susceptible to friendship parties and a night out with cocktails and business partners.”
She didn't answer and just looked at me.
“What?”
She sat down, and said, “Sounds like somepony's projecting.”
“And somebody didn't answer me,” I said as I sat down across from her, and steepled my hands for my chin to rest on. “A world of friendly ponies, surrounded by bloodthirsty monsters. I'd begin to think indoctrinating them into your friendship communes would be your end goal.”
“And it's just like you to assume we seek to dominate.” I was about to retort but she continued, “Every pony has their differences, and we respect that. I don't think there is a single race that hasn't realized the power of friendship in some way or another.”
“And if they oppose?” I looked at her cautiously.
“We let them be, but threats offer us only an option to retaliate.” Her eyes looked at mine ferociously. “Don't confuse our hospitality for our strength.”
An unstoppable urge hit me. “No doubt I learned that you take mentions of r-r-r-r...”
She laughed. “Stop. Shut up. I'll admit that we take our coffee very seriously. So much so that unintended acts of assault are a pitfall of ours.”
“But, you'll admit that it's very easy to blur the lines between a real actual threat, and something that threatens society on a more idealistic level.”
She thought about that for a moment, but was interrupted by the waitress, who plopped our coffee cups onto the table a little too gruffly. Some of Lyra's precious bitter black coffee spilled onto the wooden table, only to blend in with the rest of the brown color. I could not make myself grieve over it.
“So,” I continued, “sorry to spring this onto you. I know that we are somewhat familiar with each other at this point, but strong discussions like this too early are a great way to ignite and burn down bridges that are very hard to bring back, and as it stands, I'm sorely at the benefit of this single bridge.”
“Damn straight,” Lyra observed. She pointed to my coffee, “that coffee isn't free you know.”
“Speaking of which-”
“No, no, it's fine. Consider it our country's display of hospitality and grandeur. If we couldn't spot you a single coffee, it certainly wouldn't say much about our legitimacy.”
I spluttered. “Oh. Wow. That had to be some pre-baked line by a scriptwriter. I'm not a part of any nobility that would ask for such a great display of power.”
“Oh yes, a wonderful display of power, in the form of a single coffee cup,” she winked. “Believe it or not, I'm getting paid for this shit. Your coffee is coming straight out of my Princess's treasury.”
“A pony with good connections?”
“The best, but not really. I only stuck out because of a strange penchant for bipedal figures. It is unlikely that there is a single bipedal race with a known fact that I haven't memorized.”
“Are there any here?”
“It's a little complicated. Most species naturally walk on four legs, but there are certain members of those species that prefer to walk on two. I'm the pony behind the research to determine why some individuals might decide to go bipedal, instead of just blending in with the rest of the herd.”
I cocked my head. “Have you tried walking on two legs?”
She laughed, “yeah...but what about you? Have you tried walking on four?”
“I have when I was younger, but it's not something you do in public.”
A pause.
“Back to business,” Lyra said, pulling out a notebook. “What languages do you speak?”
“Me personally? Or my species?”
“You first, then your species. Since you're the first human in Equestria, it's natural for me to assume the language you speak is one of the most important.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Well, don't write that in your report. That's bound to upset a few people. No doubt the other species neighboring Equestria wouldn't like it if you said pony language was the most important.”
“Good point, either way, I want to know what languages you speak first.”
“English and German.”
She looked at me, “And English is your first language?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, now, tell me about the languages of your people.”
It took me a while, but I listed out the names of the languages I could remember, as well as the few I'd thought to bring with me in my notebook after first traveling here. After listing them out, I explained how most languages actually originated from one common language a long time ago, what a lot of historians believe to be something dubbed Proto-Indo-European, and that while knowledge of the language was very limited, we were able to come up with a decent approximation based on languages that branched out from it later.
Lyra's eyes widened. “It's one big tree?”
“Well, sort of. Another set, the Uralic languages, go so far back that we weren't able to trace a connection between that and Proto-Indo-European.”
She scribbled into her notebook furiously. “Ok...ok. You'll have to tell me more about that set of languages another time. To put this in a bit of context, I'm amazed about the fact that your speaking system took the shape of a tree. Equestria sole existence depends on what we call the Tree of Harmony. To see the shape of our Kingdom's guardian take form in other universes should mean something.”
“Maybe,” I commented. “It could just be the metaphor I chose. Who's to say our languages would rather take the form of a large river? In fact, I think that's a better metaphor. Most of the time changes to our languages are determined by the ripple effects of catchy phrases and words. Once one person tries to innovate a new phrase or word, it has no real value until a bunch of people decide that they like it and repeat it for themselves. It's the waters of language that cut streams of communication through our hills of social fabric.”
“I don't think that is a better metaphor. Anything works if you can make it sound good.”
“So you see my point at least?”
Lyra paused, “Yes.”
My coffee was lukewarm, and I felt horrible disappointment. Lyra hadn't even touched hers.
“I imagine you want to know what we speak then,” she continued. “But...”
I help up my hands, “No, no, it's fine. I know that you've got quite a bit more to do today. I'm the lucky one in the sense that I don't have answer to anyone during this unprecedented meeting of alien races. At least, not for now.”
She sighed with relief, “Good. And don't worry, I'm going to make it up to you when the hype dies down a bit. Celestia has me stacked.”
“Maybe she should try talking to me to ease your burden.”
“No!” Lyra glared at me. “Sorry, but just please keep it the way it is. I don't trust Celestia to do this work. She's got a kingdom to run, and no doubt she's going to spin everything she learns about you in her own light...”
“Point taken, but if she sits down with me, there's no way I'm not going to talk to her.”
The green pony took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. “Yeah, that's fine. I just don't want Celestia doing my job. I'm a professional, and I know how to deal with other species better than anypony I know. The last thing I want is for somepony that thinks they are better qualified to swoop in and take this from me.”
“That wasn't my intent from the start.”
“I understand that, and I'm not sure how humans work yet, but diplomacy has gotten very popular in Equestria after Princess Twilight came along and espoused to everyone the importance of friendship. This is a surprisingly cutthroat line of work, in spite of what it stands for.”
I dipped my head, “Forgive me then, if I didn't properly consider where you stood in all of this.”
“It's fine, and don't worry, I'll prioritize your questions first for our next meeting, but right now I need to go.” She looked at me apologetically.
I waved my hand, “Go ahead, but don't put it off for too long. My questions have compounding interest. It's better you pay them off now before they start bouncing off each other and multiplying.”
As she left she chuckled.
When the front door of the shop closed behind her, I looked around and noticed that half the ponies were either staring at me directly or side-eyeing me. I felt overwhelmed for a second, but calmed myself down with a few deep breaths, but not at the cost of a minor headache. It would be impossible for me to enjoy my coffee here, so I picked it up and left.
Lyra's coffee still sat on the table as I closed the front door behind me.
I certainly wasn't as busy as Lyra, but conveniently, I had a meeting with the Princess of Friendship to attend to.
The first time I knocked on Twilight's door there was no response, so I politely waited in the hopes that she had to walk up to the front door.
But after 30 seconds when she still didn't answer, I had no choice but to knock again.
This time I was a bit more impatient, but before I got the chance to knock a third time, the door swung sharply open. Her hair was frazzled and her eyes small shaking pinpricks of an iris. Her eyes occasionally darted left and right, as if they were trying to track something running around next to her.
That was perhaps one thing that startled me the most about ponies. The fact that their iris could shrink along with their pupils.
“What?” Twilight asked, a bit curt.
“Our meeting?” I tried to keep the passive aggressiveness out of my voice, but naturally, some of it leaked out.
She covered her mouth with her hoof. “Oh, come in. I've been preparing for this, although it doesn't look like it. I had to double check a few experiments of mine. The princess has got so much crap stacked up for me to do, and that was before you decided to show up, now I've got no idea how I'm even going to keep up with the sock manufacturing regulations that a lot of ponies have been asking about. I don't even know how socks are manufactured! Why does the princess of friendship have to care about socks in the first place?!”
“If this is a bad time, I can organize for another time,” I said calmly.
“No!” Twilight snapped. “I mean, sorry, please stay. It would waste more time trying to create another meeting. I know I'm not the best prepared, and I hate it when that happens, but that's just the way it goes now. Take a seat. Now.”
I sat down, feeling a little bit like a hostage. “You wanted to talk to me about human capabilities?”
“Yes,” Twilight said, kicking a pile of books out from the living room, it looked as if she'd have a better time using a shovel. Eventually she gave up, and just plopped herself onto an opposing couch. “Breathe Twilight, breathe...”
When her breathing slowed down, I explained what it meant to be a human. “On average, we're kind of mediocre. Where I used to live, the men weigh on average 198 pounds, and the women 171 pounds.”
Twilight coughed, “Would you say these 'men' are synonymous with what we dub as a 'stallion'?”
“From first impressions, it looks like it. We can deal with the specifics later, about what we actually mean by 'man'. There are a lot of opposing viewpoints on this, but if I had to guess, we view it more in the sense of how we present ourselves in society, loosely tied also to our sexual capabilities. However, depending on the circumstances and varying opinion, presentation and sex can flip flop, or it could cease to be important at all.”
She looked confused.
“For simplicity's sake, just compare stallion to male, and mare to female.”
Twilight seemed to accept it, but you could tell from the movement of her eyes she was contemplating what I meant, perhaps trying to find something about her society that could relate.
I continued. “I guess the most practical way to describe human ability would be through our ability to handle heavy objects. A common exercise we like to perform in order to promote physical health is something called the bench press. To do this we typically lay on our backs...”
Twilight's eyes widened and she looked away for a moment.
“...and is there a problem?”
“No, no,” she said, flicking her hoof, “it's just a bit of a vulnerable position for a pony. Not something done too often in public.”
“Well then, we use three different muscles, the chest,” I said, while holding a hand to my chest, "the triceps,” this time pointing to the back of my arm, “and the shoulders. We use these to push an object off of our chest until our arms are fully extended.”
Understanding dawned on her. “So it's like if a pony lifted something with their hooves instead of their back?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I'm surprised you understood what I meant by muscles.”
She scratched her head, “it's pretty obvious when you think about what makes Big Mac stronger than all the ponies.”
“Big Mac?”
“He's one of our most efficient apple farmers, probably in the whole country. Or at least based off the few farms I visited in order to set up regulations about Title 2-A land owning in the event that a villain decides to take over the world and there is no longer any government to tell them what to do.”
I guffawed, “What purpose would a regulation like that even serve?”
“Ponies are weird. Celestia told me to give them whatever they wanted. I'm guessing they're concerned about the constant collapse and restructure of our government. I would be too, in their place.”
It took everything in my power not to ask why this was a regularly occurring problem for them. No doubt the questions would follow a rabbit trail of lackadaisical leadership, improper power distribution in the military, and the lack of any general regard to address up-and-coming threats to their country. Which would no doubt eventually decline into a conversation about the general trusting nature of these ponies, and I didn't want to get into the ramifications of arguing with a princess about that.
I tried to bring the conversation back, “So yes, you know then that large, well-trained muscles wield immense power.”
“But it isn't just the muscles,” she said matter of factly. “Earth ponies have magic inside them that makes it easier to work with plants.”
It was my turn to look confused, “Is it broken? My translator thingy?”
Twilight's horn sparked to life, and a strange sensation tugged at my ears and throat. “Nope, it's working fine. But I'll admit the spell isn't perfect. Repeat back to me what you think I said.”
“An unexplained phenomena automatically enhances an Earth Pony's ability to work with plants.”
“That sounds about right,” she said, cocking her head. “How is that surprising to you? You're using a translator spell hand-crafted by Star Swirl the bearded in order to talk to me in the first place.”
“How would you know that though? Couldn't they just have better knowledge of plants on average? And aren't there earth ponies with interests other than plants?”
“I have ways to verify it using my magic. How do you know there isn't some element to your humanity that you don't perceive?”
My eyes narrowed, “No, that's different. You're the one making the claim here, that earth ponies have magic. Sure I could have some other part of me I don't know about, but I can't make any claim about what exists until I can prove it. And you're trying to tell me that you can explain away magic with more magic?”
“It's another one of our senses, whenever you touch something, you trust that it feels like something, or that it can hurt you. When you see something, you trust that it can be used a certain way for your purposes. I use my magic as a part of my daily life. If you can use your senses to prove things, why can't I?”
“I don't agree. The correct answer when presented with new information is to question whatever you already knew, for instance the knowledge that other species can't rely on their own use of magic.”
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and put a hoof to her forehead. “Owwwwwwwww, this time of the day is not the time for a headache. There's still so much I have do...” She continued. “Okay, listen, you're the one getting presented with the new information. If I didn't have the ability to hear anything, it wouldn't be right for me to ask you to explain how hearing works-”
“But I do know how it works.”
“You'd be able to explain how hearing works without saying 'it just works' at any point?”
“I don't have it on hand, but as a species, we have that information-”
She cocked her head skeptically, “down to the very building blocks of life?”
“No, but the whole point is that we constantly strive to learn more about it.”
“Ok,” she said, blinking. “What were we talking about again, before this?”
“Something to do with strength.” I genuinely could not remember beyond that.
“You know what? Let's just call it quits for now. I think if I tried to push through this, I'd have health problems by the end of the day, and I'm supposed to have invincible alicorn powers.” She could see my hesitation and explained herself. “It's not your fault of course, just the job of a princess. We are duty bound to drive ourselves to the bone.”
“Well, next time I see you, I'd be curious to see what you went through today.”
It's an amazing story, she winked.
I had one more meeting to get through, before I could return home and prepare myself for the next day. The last meeting pony wasn't a part of the big 10 I was warned about, just like Lyra. It startled me how none of them wanted to hold a press conference with me, in an attempt to gain more notoriety. But honestly, dealing with the general culture shock of Ponyville was enough, I wasn't sure I would've been able to handle a press conference on an alien planet.
No doubt they were trying their best to keep things under wraps, though the citizens in Ponyville likely already knew all about their special visitor. Were the trains shut down? Information would leak eventually.
In the back of my mind I felt as if there was something off, that the ponies of Ponyville weren't quite autonomous.
One of the first things we asked them, before sending yours truly over was if they applied mind control with their magic. They said it existed, but they never used it...
Either way, I seemed normal enough for the time being, so if there was something out there affecting the ponies, it probably wasn't affecting me. It didn't hurt to keep an eye out, but there was no use worrying needlessly over it.
And then again, it's a sort of natural trait to assume everyone's a societally brainwashed machine, while you do your best every morning to make yourself look nice for all your neighbors and coworkers.
I tripped on something, and immediately screamed, hitting the ground and then scrambling back onto my feet again.
I looked down and it was just a rough patch of cobblestone, as I shook for a second, slightly broken. To calm myself down I cupped my hands against my face and breathed deeply. It felt like I needed to vomit, and I could swear my heart felt weird.
Nopony answered my scream, and I just stood there, gradually calming down. Waiting for the adrenaline to flow through my blood and eventually fizzle out. It took a long time, and I had to suppress another fear that it wasn't going to end.
But it did end, just like all the other times.
I kept walking, more carefully this time. It would be another two blocks to Sunbursts house, and then after dealing with him, I could start winding down. This certainly wasn't me at my worst, and I'd be damned if Sunburst didn't lose his socks over the things I hoped to tell him.
One block left.
A doorway made of intricately carved timber stood in front of me. Depictions of ponies offered each other gifts under a Christmas tree in the middle of a plaza, bordered by candy canes which were strung together with streamers. On top of the Christmas tree a gleaming heart rested, which looked as if it were on the brink of falling. A gallant alicorn approached the Christmas tree from a distance, the way in front of him to the plaza paved with unbroken snow, and I couldn't figure out who he was. The only alicorns I'd been warned about were female.
The door pulled away from me, and I realized I'd forgotten to knock. I brought my hand forward, but realized I was about to hit a pony's snout.
“Can I...help you?” A light-orange pony with glasses asked. His snout sported a white stripe that I couldn't stop looking at.
“No, I mean yes. I'm that guy you wanted to meet up with,” I said while nodding soberly.
“Oh! The human! That's what you are! I thought it was Discord playing tricks again. I don't know why but ever since I moved here he's given me nothing but pain, it's like he can sniff out the weakest ponies and just sticks to them.” The pony winced, “Wow, that's a great first impression, my name's Sunburst by the way,” he said, glancing at me.
I offered him my hand, “I'm Kurt Mio.”
He hit my hand with his hoof and stubbed my fingers a little bit, and then walked back and let me in.
While cradling my hand, I walked into a room with walls completely covered in bookshelves, and some extra books stacked in the corners. The back wall had an open doorway which seemed to lead to his bedroom. Scrolls piled out of it, as if he had recently shoved them there.
Starburst saw that I was looking at his bedroom and rushed to close the door, which pretty much confirmed that he had recently shoved them there. Turning around, he chuckled nervously, and said, “Sorry, you've just caught me at a crossroads. Well, I guess I could say you are the crossroads. Nono wait, don't take that personally. You are very welcome here. It's just that your presence here has put quite the burden on my lifestyle. I've only had the last hour to prepare, you wouldn't believe the amount of bureaucracy I had to go through just to get a sit-in with you and now here you are! And I've spent all my time trying to meet you instead of actually preparing to meet you! Not only that but I think I've gotten two hours of sleep? I didn't check? But I think it was two hours? Can you tell?”
I grinned somewhat shamelessly. “No harm done, and no preparations needed, and yes, I can tell.”
“Well, yes, unfortunate, ok, let's get on with it shall we?” He whipped his head around and his darker orange goatee slapped his cheek. “I'm the pony in charge of figuring out how your brain works, if you have one.” He picked a book off a shelf.
My neck burned with anger until I realized that it was a genuine question. Doing my best to keep my lingering emotions out of it, I answered, “Yes, is there a way to control a body without a brain?”
“No, most of the time. Pretty much every species here has a brain. The changelings are strange though, really strange. I swear every time I look into them I get even more confused.”
“Looked into, as in, dissected?”
“Well, yeah, for the ones that have died, and with Thorax's permission of course, although before he became king it was kind of a toss up who's permission I was supposed to get. Most of my work doesn't deal with that terribly icky stuff though. Nothing really learned by looking at a bunch of dead meat in the head, you know?”
“Not really.”
“You've never seen what a brain looks like?”
I shook my head, “I'm saying that learning about the physical brain is pretty informative.”
He looked at me, “What could you possibly glean from it? Every magic spell we've tried just tells us there are tons and tons of little connections. There's no way to parse all that information.”
“I can't tell you what methods we use, but we actually know how to draw limited conclusions about which parts of the brain do what. If I brought in some experts, they could pinpoint for you the different locations of the brain that control motor function, consciousness, circadian rhythm, parasympathetic responses and their counterparts-”
“Repeat that last part for me.”
“Which part?” I asked.
He put a hoof to his mouth as his eyes glazed over. “All of it.”
“Ok, so we were able to pinpoint various parts of the brain that deal with things like motor function, consciousness, circadian rhyt-”
“Stop!” he practically screeched. “This is too much. It's going to need a lot more meetings that this to sort out. My life is ruined oh Celestia.” He gasped for breath. “Oh Celestia.”
I took a step towards him. “Hey...”
“No! Stay back! It's fine. Ohhhh Celestia.”
“Just delegate!” I said, trying to cut through his freakout. “There have to be a few ponies willing to help you.”
“No, you don't understand. Oh Celestia. I'm the only brain expert. It's a niche field because it doesn't have any practical applications to enrich pony lives. In fact, I'm not even supposed to spend all of my time on it. I've got other duties I'm expected to deal with. And this is what I really want to do! And now is my opportunity, but I'm already stacked more than ever and oh Celestia-”
I thought about it for a moment, “Yeah, you're fucked.”
A stunned silence sat between us as we stared at each other.
“Ha,” he said tonelessly.
I'd never gotten a reaction like that from someone in a conversation before, so I just stood, stunned.
“Haha.” Sunburst's lips twitched.
My legs tensed as I braced myself to catch him if he passed out. But how are you supposed to catch ponies?
“HAHA!” he laughed.
I fucked up.
“HAHAHA!”
Maybe I was fucked.
“HAHAHAHAHA!”
There were no words for me to express how I felt.
He stopped laughing, walked calmly over to his sofa, and passed out.
Now, in an unfamiliar house, I had an incapacitated pony to deal with, in a world where no one knew me, and surrounded by creatures that didn't have the same motivations as me. If anybody were to catch me in a room with a pony that just passed out, they'd probably call me the boogeyman. To top it all off, I couldn't recall ever asking for a method of communication, to get Lyra or Twilight's help.
No choice but to get Sunburst conscious again.
I poked at a spot on his neck which I'd been told was supposed to be the location for the carotid artery, no pulse. I panicked, but realized that pony biology probably wasn't the same as a human's, and poked at other parts of his neck, no such luck still. Trying to suppress my panic, I put my cheek to his mouth to hear for breathing and he was, in fact, still breathing.
My vision swam for a moment and I had to take a moment to rest on my knees, just in case. Oh what a sad state this meeting had turned into.
The fact that he was breathing probably meant that he was fine, but of course, I didn't know pony physiology. It was very possible that he was dying right now, lungs driven by some sort of automatic body function that could function independent to his heartbeat. Were ponies even supposed to have heartbeats, or was it just magic?
I had risk to consider. Should I call out for help and risk somebody getting the wrong idea and vilifying me, or should I wait for Sunburst to recover, if he does, with the small possibility that he's actually dying on the sofa?
Like the selfish creature I was, I waited, and after a few harrowing minutes, he opened his eyes again.
“Wha?” he slurred. “Oh Celestia, did I just?”
“Yeah,” I said, standing up. “Before it happens again, if you think it will, could you give me Twilight's contact info? I'd like a princess or some other authority figure to come here and figure things out, rather than have other ponies make assumptions about me.”
“Oh dear, I'm sorry I worried you. It's fine really. I've done this before, but it never repeats itself immediately after. I work myself up sometimes, and I'm entirely at fault for it.”
I said, “Do you want to continue where we left off?”
He didn't get off the sofa. “No, I only had ten minutes scheduled to talk to you before I had to deal with other matters. I still have some time, but in light of this...development, it's probably for the best I call this meeting quits.”
“If you're sure.” I held my hand up as a gesture of concern.
“I am. Trust me that it pains me to avoid this. It might be best to leave before my ambition gets the better of me again.”
I turned around, then didn't realize where I was supposed to go after this. “Wait. You're my last stop for today. Lyra said you'd know a place I can stay.”
He sighed. “I do know a place. Look for Little Snow's Inn; it's about two blocks to the right when you leave.”
I raised an eyebrow, they hadn't even organized a government-sanctioned place for me, how little did they care about alien visitors? “Thanks.”
I walked outside into the intimidating darkness, as guilt hammered at my brain.
It felt as if I'd suddenly found myself in front of Little Snow's Inn. No doubt I'd walked here in a semi-conscious state, autonomously walking as if I'd reached that zen state one often feels after ten hours of driving. The door in front of me was timber, just like the last one, but completely flat. I knocked on it nervously, and then realized that you weren't supposed to do that with business establishments. Just as I was about to grab the handle it swung inward.
“Yemph,” the pony said.
I looked down at her, and realized my hand had gripped her snout.
The pony looked up at me.
I continued to look at the pony, and then I removed my hand. “Sorry about that.”
She hit the floor and immediately started laughing. Raucous releases of emotion shook the walls as she rolled from side to side.
At first I cringed, thinking about what happened to Sunburst, but then I realized she hadn't passed out and just stood there dumbly. Confusion slowly but insidiously turning into terrible anger. I could not explain why I was angry, though. It's just that all of this was too much.
“Is...” I rasped.
She continued to laugh on the ground in front of me, and the hotel staff behind the desk was giving me confused and curious looks.
“All the ponies in this town are crazy!”
That did not help the situation, and the pony in front of me laughed even harder, completely incapacitated, some of the staff joined in the laughter and for a hellish moment I thought I was doomed. Whatever I'd been cursed by, I'd never be taken seriously again. I couldn't serve as a diplomat in this condition. Who had cast a damned magic spell on me?!
Finally, a single pony approached me, a final member of the hotel staff, all others slain by my apparently hilarious situation. “Y-you'd like a room I imagine.”
“Yes please,” I really wanted to pout, but I knew that would just make me even more of a caricature.
She walked behind the desk and retrieved a key, doubled back and handed it to me. “Here. And sorry about the others. I swear we're usually a lot more professional than this.”
I managed to squeak out a grin, “I'm sure it isn't normal to have creatures like me roaming around.”
“That's for sure, but we're always glad to have your service.”
“Thanks.” I tried to open what looked like a door leading to the rooms, on the left wall. It was a janitor's closet.
“Hhhhhhhaha!”
I whirled around and sure enough, I'd managed to defeat the sole survivor. It was just me and a madhouse of ponies. My face was already red with embarrassment, so I just took my quivering legs and walked to the door on the opposite wall, which luckily, led to the rooms upstairs.
The laughter eventually faded away as I climbed up, and once I found my room, I fumbled for my key and dropped it, cursing.
I successfully opened the door, and then I shut it behind me and locked it, breathing heavily. It was too hot in here, so I tore off my business attire, threw it across the room. I stood there in the dark, in my underwear, not sure what to do.
What was I supposed to do? Right now, later? What could I do?