Chapters My Little Nosehairs: Friendship usually isn’t bald.
The chapter after Chapter Zero: Chapter One
In the year three thousand and one point five, there was an evil Princess, Bald-lestia, who ruled the Chrome Dome Empire. Following the loss of her glorious mane due to a tragic shopping error in the beauty isle at her local Target, she vowed to rule the entirety of Equestria with her baldness and to make sure everyone was as maneless as she was to ensure her rule. She terrorized town after town with her Hair Hunters, enshaving her people along the way. But one dragon, a reptile among ponies, wouldn’t stand idly by. A hero amongst heroes, an animal with a n afro, a…guy who looked incredibly intimidating and silly at the same time, would stand up to her reigns of terror. This is the tale… of Bo Bo Spike.
The air was stale, the sky was cloudy, and her mane was blowing in the breeze that smelled of cut hair and baby tears. Pinkie Pie hid behind a rock as she watched the Hair Hunters cruelly remove a few fillies’ manes in a manner that was efficient and tactful. The pegasi would gather up the defenseless citizens, the earth ponies would keep them grounded, and the unicorns would dive in with the shears. It was only pure luck and Fluttershy’s sacrifice that kept her mane poofy and disorganized. She swore she’d buy her a wig one day… if they didn’t burn all the wig shops before she had the chance.
“Hello Pinkie,” a voice that was oddly familiar rang into her ears from behind her. It was brash, high pitched, and filled with that sense of enthusiasm only an athlete could have.
“Hello Balder-Dash!” Pinkie greeted her ex-friend. She turned around to see her in her crazed baldness resting next to a motorcycle. “I see you joined the Hair Hunters… I’m disappointed.”
“It was my only way to get into the Wondershears. It’s not like we can’t be friends after this,” she argued rather peacefully. It was almost as if she wanted Pinkie to give up.
“Sorry but I can’t do that. You’re not getting my hair!” Pinkie jumped out of her hiding place and began to gallop away. Immediately, Balder-Dash boarded her vehicle and gave chase. The still-maned pony ducked and weaved around obstacles around Ponyville, futilely hoping to deter her friend who could easily fly over any of it. She looked back for only a second to find her chaser was calling for help on a walkie. Like a well-trained special ops team, cyclers arrived and began to corner her at every turn until she was boxed in at the Town Square. Before she had any time to realize the puns she had unintentionally created, she was trapped.
Twilight Glabrous, the leader of the gang, stepped off and approached Pinkie. “I’m sorry, but this is where we cut your escape, much like your hair, a little short.”
When her most recent opponent was only two feet away, she sat down on her bottom and began to accept that she had finally been caught. She gave the biggest puppy eyes she could muster and the largest upper lip her body could handle. A lone tear dripped from her opponent’s eyes. As the momentary proof of sadness dribbled down her rather mute face, a large black whip struck out from somewhere and sent the librarian careening off into space.
Before the other troops could even hope to begin to understand what had just happened, the same whip struck them too, sending them unconscious and catapulting out of Ponyville. Pinkie located the source in the form of a silhouette when the crowd had been cleared. It was a… thing, standing on two legs and it had two claws. She could see some dragon scales, but there was a giant ball on its head and it had two long tendrils originating somewhere from its face. If only it wasn't standing in the shade, she might be able to see what it was.
“Hello Pinkie,” the unmistakable voice of Spike called out in an air of coolness. Despite him trying to lower his voice to act cooler, she could feel his worry. “Are you ok?”
As he stepped out from behind a building’s shadow and into the light, she saw the young dragon had a blue afro donned on his head and the two tendrils were… nose hairs.
“Eww what!? Those whips from nowhere were your nose hairs!?”
“It’s a secret story that I can’t tell you. But, since you’re here and all, I suppose I can tell you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Ohhhh kaaaay…”
“See, I can talk to hair now.”
We interrupt this program you to bring a momentary flashback.
“Spike, put on this wig.”
Pop.
“ H ey, Rarity, I can hear your hair now!”
We thank you for patience. Now we go to commercial break.
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We now return to Bo Bo Spike.
“-and that is how I got these nose hairs that can save the entirety of Equestria.” The dragon looked up at his companion. “Pinkie, put down the phone.”
“But I was just going to order some D-“ After an intense glare from Spike, she complied by snapping the Razor phone shut and putting it away in her hair. “So,” she began with a topic change, “why did you save me? It’s because you could hear my hair in distress, right?”
“Not even close.”
We once again interrupt this program to bring you this flashback.
“Spike, put on this wig.”
Pop.
“Hey, Rarity, I can hear your hair now!”
Knock Knock.
“Spike, could you be a dear and answer the door please?”
The dragon stepped off the posing station and went to the lobby. He was greeted by two bald stallions with twisted grins and furrowed eyebrows. Also, one had a pimple on his face that he was desperately trying to cover up, but it wasn’t working at all and it actually made it more noticeable. Spike would have said something but he looked like the sensitive type.
“Hey Kid, yah seen a poneh by the name of Raritay?”
Spike raised an eyebrow at his undistinguishable accent. Then he threw up in his mouth a bit when he thought the pimple moved.
“You’re my best friend,” the other said menacingly.
“Eh, don’t mind him, Kid. He’s just now learnerizing proper Equestrian and the only words he knows are from kids’ shows.”
“Counting is FUN!” he said in a diabolical voice. His eyes became seethed with rage as he began to recite the alphabet in the most evil way possible.
“Ok then.Uhh, yeah, Rarity is back there.”
Thank you for participating in this flashback.
“Wait, you told them where she was?” she questioned her companion as they sat down on a Town Square Bench. You couldn’t have known they were going there because you were watching that memory.
“Yeah, and it’s the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life. Now I’m going to destroy the Chrome-Dome empire with my bare hair and avenge Rarity.”
“Oh, I guess that makes sense. Can I come with?”
“No, you can’t. But since you’re here I guess it’d be ok.”
My Little Nosehairs: Friendship usually isn’t bald.
We return to our less than heroic duo impatiently waiting at the local train station. Pinkie Pie happens to be reading a magazine upside down and Bo Bo Spike is combing through his afro while attempting to do a handstand with his elbows for reasons we weren’t ever clear on. What exciting things will happen this episode? Stay tuned to find out!
Pinkie flipped through to the next page for a moment before returning to the afro crusader. “Bo Bo Spike, what exactly are we waiting here for?”
He hopped off his elbows and landed on his tail with expert precision thanks to the invisible stunt wires. “You see Pinkie, every three hundred and fourteen years there is a space llama who takes the passengers straight to the final chapter.” He pointed his index talon to the sky. “He appears on the full moon with a bag of skittles and then tangos down to the earth and picks up those in need. You see, he and I are close friends…”
The pink mare waited patiently for a convenient transition or plot device to arrive or perhaps even for a flashback. When nothing happened for two minutes, she coughed.
“Sorry, I’m in the middle of my memories. If you interrupt now, I may remember it wrong and disrupt the past.”
Shrugging at the infallible logic, she walked to the edge of the platform in an attempt to look for something to look at. Off in the distance, a shiny something caught her immediate attention. Checking back on Bo Bo Spike who was now in tears for some reason she might never know, she stepped off the wood deck and onto the grassy plane below.
The object seemed to be getting closer and closer without abandon so she hid behind a giant rock shaped like a pumpkin being stabbed with a spork. Or, if one looked at it from the left, it might have been a fluffy bunny selling real estate. Pinkie then wondered what it’d look like from the right so she did so. Surprisingly, it was shaped exactly like a rock if rocks were in fancy dresses.
“No, she wasn’t supposed to have the wedding at noon! It was at noon o’ five!” Spike yelled in the distance. She rolled her eyes and watched as the incoming whatever-it-was approached her hiding spot. As soon as the sun’s glare was removed, she instantly recognized it as Iron Will the minotaur wearing a shiny new hat. Having nothing to fear, she waltzed out from her rock and waved to him. He responded with a wave back and charged forward.
“Pinkie, hello!” greeted the muscular minotaur.
“What brings you to this side of Ponyville?”
“I’m searching for the one known as Bo Bo Spike. For, you see, it was at the mall fourteen months ago…”
Pinkie patiently waited for a second. “May I see the flashback this time?”
“Of course!”
“Hey...” said a teenage version of Iron Will. He wasn’t nearly as muscular as his present counter-part, but something had to be said for that outrageous mullet. As he strolled down the walkway amongst other E questrians at the mall, he fished into his wallet for some coins.
“Yeah?” said Bo Bo Spike.
“Could you lend me a quarter? I really need a breath mint or something at that gumball machine.”
The not-yet hero looked up at his mammal friend and shrugged. “Sure.”
“Wait, that’s it?”
“Of course! Thanks to his generosity that day, I scored a swell date with a charming griffon and a job.”
Pinkie tilted her head sideways at the strange turn of events. “A job? For what?”
“Iron Will’s power chewing gum of course! Each chew gives you monumental amounts of energy so it’s recommended that you only take one chew an hour. That’s probably why they recalled it. Most ponies can’t handle the energy Iron Will needs to do his job. If they can’t take the heat, they’ll be kicked out with my feet!”
“Feet!? But you have hooves!”
The minotaur popped off the bottom two hooves, revealing minuscule sized feet.
“WHAT!?”
“Yes,” he replied to the mare with a comically large jaw drop. He proceeded to return to the previous subject with a cough. “As Iron Will was saying, he needs to find Bo Bo Spike to repay the favour. Do you know perhaps where he could find him?”
Pinkie then turned sideways a bit and pointed a hoof at the train station. “We’re actually going to Chrome-Domealot to defeat the tyrant Bald-lestia and restore Equestria to its natural state. Would you like to join us?”
Iron Will’s eyes gleamed with excitement. “Yes! To be able to repay my debt by fighting alongside his hero would be wonderful. Thank you.”
The two trailed back, observing the rock that now looked like a pickle in a row boat from their respective angle, hoping to speak to him.
“-and that is how I learned how to breathe magical fire,” he finished with a manly tear.
“Bo Bo Spike! It is Iron Will!” the large beast shouted. “I have come to pay my debt so that I may gain your respect.”
The dragon swiveled around on his elbows to face him.
“Sure, but only if you can beat me in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors!”
Pinkie took a look at Iron Will and noticed his face had paled and his demeanor slouched, as if he knew something awful was going to happen. “Iron Will, what’s wrong!?”
“Bo Bo Spike has never once lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. It’s like he knows your move before he’ll make his own. However, Iron will must at least try to win for his honour.”
“Or you could… give him back his quarter.”
“Never!” He tensed his muscles and struck a pose. “If you can’t represent, you don’t get paid a cent!”
Feeling that this was an acceptance to his challenge, Spike bounced into the air and through the roof, doing an innumerable amount of backflips while doing so. Not wanting to be shown up, the minotaur stepped under the roof as well and leaped through it, leaving another unmistakably large hole through it.
Suddenly, they stopped in mid-air like they were sky diving and readied their hands. They leaned forward and began to shout:
Rock! Rock!
Paper! Paper!
Scissors! Scissors!
Go!
Two fireworks went off behind them, revealing the answer they had chosen. Bo bo Spike’s firework looked like scissors and iron’s like paper.
As if riding on a cloud, the victorious reptile slowly descended to the ground; Iron Will plummeted and struck the ground with a resounding “oof”.
“Again!” he yelled while raising a hand into the air, back still to the ground. Obeying the order, Spike jumped back up and Iron Will rebounded back into the air.
Rock! Rock!
Paper! Paper!
Scissors! Scissors!
Go!
Two airplanes with signs behind then trailing in the breeze flew behind the duo. Spike’s had a picture of scissors and Iron Will’s of cut paper.
“Had enough yet? You need three victories to win and I just need one more.”
Pinkie ran to the model on the ground, gasping for air. “He’s too great,” he coughed. “Iron Will cannot win if he always chooses paper.”
A sudden and brilliant mind-boggling idea popped into her mind. “Iron… choose rock.”
“What?”
“Instead of paper, choose rock.”
“C-can you even do that!?”
“Yes. Spike has beaten you because you always chose paper.”
He paused as the epiphany sank in. “One more Bo Bo Spike, I refuse to lose!”
With a grin, he complied and once again jumped into the air. The minotaur looked down at the ground as he met his competitor in the air and received a wink from Pinkie.
Rock! Rock!
Paper! Paper!
Scissors! Scissors!
Go!
A blinding flash of light later, Bo Bo Spike fell to the ground with his eyes replaced with swirls.
“Iron Will used both hands and got two victories over his loss with scissors. I should always chose Rock as it is much sturdier and more effective against Bo Bo Spike.”
“That… doesn’t make much sense. So I guess the score is two for two now?”
“That’s correct,” Bo Bo Spike responded. “But I won’t lose this time, I got me a secret weapon!”
“A secret weapon!? There’s only three things to choose from!” Pinkie attempted to dash the announcement with logic.
“Yes… the Bazooka!”
Without pause, Spike made another hole in the now decimated roof and floated in the air. Iron returned a sly wink to Pinkie as he jumped into the air too.
Rock! Rock!
Paper! Paper!
Scissors! Scissors!
Go!
An announcer popped out of Spike’s afro and spoke into the microphone, “And Bo Bo Spike pulls out a bazooka card and- wait! What’s this!? Iron Will is pulling out a periodic table! He’s going to stop the bazooka with science!”
“The air you breathe is OXYGEN! Water is the only liquid at room temperature! You have a father!” Iron Will bellowed into the open.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
“Welcome aboard Iron Will, we’ll be glad to have you on our team.” Bo Bo Spike shook the minotaur’s hand as he smiled with glee.
Soon, a train whistle tweeted in the distance, letting those near by hear that it was arriving.
“Wait, I thought you said we were waiting for a space llama?” Pinkie questioned.
“Yes, but the last visit was eight years ago. We’re talking the long way around!”
My Little Nosehairs: Friendship usually isn’t bald.
A chapter with actual focus
Four weeks later after suffering a traumatic brain disorder called “Lazy-writeritus” the author of the fanfiction returned to his keyboard and began typing out his miraculous tale. In the meantime, we give you the third installment of Bo Bo Spike as “Bo Bo Spike: The Third installment”. The Tragicomedocumenostalgery returns to the trio patiently riding the train discussing their tactics on how to invade the castle.
Pinkie raised her hoof to her chin while she stared at the checkerboard. “Guys, I don’t think this is going to work.”
Iron Will immediately slammed his fist. “Iron Will says the plan is perfect! If we stick to this ingenious plan of Bo Bo Spike’s, the worst we can do is a stalemate!”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, if everypony actually acted like they were on a checkerboard…” She gently knocked over the enemy king, which had a crude picture of Bald-lestia taped to the front, and sighed.
“Pinkie,” Spike spoke out profoundly while reclining in the train booth, “there comes a time in every person’s life when they need to accept the truth. I once had to accept the truth, and look at me now.” A faint golden aura surrounded the dragon. In turn, Iron Will lowered the closest blinds, effectively killing the glow.
“Yes, because I want to have living creatures in my hair, six foot long nose hairs, and a side-kick who didn’t understand the concept of Rock, Paper, Scissors.”
“In Iron Will’s defense, it was not made clear in the official R.P.S. manual that you could change hands,” he replied while holding a copy of the instructions.
Disregarding it, Pinkie decided to scoot out of the booth and walk down to the end of the train car. Each passing of an empty chair reminded her of how her friend’s had all changed, gone to the dark side, and wore wigs. As the day light sky continued to be void of clouds, a sparkling glint of a tiny dot made itself obvious against the blue atmosphere. Her eyes followed the mysterious thing as it slowly moved across the sky. Suddenly, a second shiny object, much of the same size, began to follow it at a rapid speed. Her eyes widened as the first speck began to accelerate and flee from the second. She disregarded the absent minded babbling of her traveling companions and seated herself in a booth. Suddenly, the first speck turned a dark blue and the second adopted a rainbow hue. Pinkie soon discovered a sinking feeling in her stomach, as if something was wrong…
“Yes, it is quite unsettling, isn’t it?” a voice spoke out.
Startled, the mare bounced up and slammed her head on the roof. Iron and Bo Bo Spike both looked at her and she waved back to them as if nothing was wrong.
“H-hello?” she whispered, “is somepony there?”
“Yes,” it firmly replied. “Rather, I am there, out there, and you are here. And the sky is up and the ground is below. To your left in the window you can see Ponyton rock, the rock that looks like a pony.”
“Is it a pony?”
“No, it’s a rock that looks like a pony.”
“So, it is a pony?”
“No, it’s a rock. I’m not going to debate this with you. Listen, I’m currently being chased by that tyrant and I’m the only one who can stop her. Alas, I cannot do it alone. I’ve been secretly watching you and I think that together, we have hope of defeating Bald-lestia.”
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “But, how did you know about us?”
“I just said I was following you in secret!”
“So why didn’t I see you?”
“BECAUSE-, ugh, it seems that you too have some lack of intelligence like those two fools.”
For a brief moment, the mare talking to no pony in particular returned her vision to her companions… trying to lick an Oreo on their snout.
“Listen,” the voice continued, “when you get off of the train at Chrome-Dome city, there will be a pony selling red balloons. Tell him the code: ‘Bears agitate narwals and nomads after supper’. He will take you in to a secret apartment on floor seven at the Shady Oaks estate. If he asks you if you want some ketchup for your fries, demand you receive mustard.”
“Is that a part of the code?”
“No, frankly the ketchup in that city is disgusting and mustard is a much better substitute. The tomatoes that were delivered for the last quarter have been sullied somehow, it’s really quite a shame. The fries are quite delicious; if you want to add salt, that’s ok too.”
“Oooh kie doookie theeen…”
“Great. We will meet soon. Now, prepare yourself, the train arrives at the station in one half hour.”
Suddenly, the blue object in the sky disappeared and the rainbow hued one stopped dead in its tracks. It paused there for a moment and then was gone too, as if it teleported. Trying to digest what she just heard, the pony returned to the table.
“Pinkie, are you ok? Iron Will suspects that you’re not. When a friend is acting funny, give them a chocolate bunny.”
“I too sense a disturbance in the force,” Bo Bo Spike admitted. “Although, it may have been that burrito eating contest we just had.” His stomach growled at him. “Oh my.”
“Take the bunny, it is made of pruned chocolate.” Bo Bo Spike graciously accepted and then left his seat to find the restroom.
“It’s nothing, but when we go to the city and before we do our assault, can we get some balloons?”
Iron Will scratched the back of his head. “Iron Will does not understand what balloons have to do with the plan.”
“How are you going to defeat them like they’re in checkers if you cannot jump over them?”
He slapped his face as if he didn’t think of it before. “Of course!”
We now return to Twilight Glabrous who was sent into space.
The pony floated limply in the air, not moving a muscle.
Oh, that’s right, there’s no air in space. Please accept this image of a kitten playing with yarn to distract you until the next chapter…
We promise not to unintentionally kill more characters relative to the plot. Until next time!
