Assisting Evil (CL Version)
If Nightmare Moon had an Assistant
Within the enchanted Everfree Forest, lies the ruins of an old castle once inhabited by two sisters. Now, after making her declaration, a new evil has found residence within it as her and her new assistant attempt to halt the progress of six heroes of harmonic traits
“Here’s your coffee, Your Highness, ‘midnight black’ just like you like it.” Said a thin, moderately well dressed, brown haired human male with a white shirt, blue tie, and blue pants. He passes over a cup of joe to the evil queen of the night herself, Nightmare Moon.
“Thank you, Kevin. HAHA! You even put in the little star marshmallows I like so much, most excellent.” Nightmare Moon said with a joyous cackle, using her magic to keep the cup in place as she takes a sip. “Perfect. You have done well thus far”
“No problem, that’s my job. To make sure I do anything you ask.” Kevin said with a sure smile as he confidently stood with his arms to his hips.
“Indeed. Now, have you set the traps I’ve asked you to set for those meddlesome ponies who dare try to stop me?” Nightmare Moon asked, licking her lips to pull in a marshmallow that had gotten stuck on her muzzle.
“Yeah… No. When I said I’d do anything you ask, I meant I’d do it if it didn’t SUCK SO INCREDIBLY BAD!” Kevin suddenly yelled out, waving his arms out as he did so, his brow furled in anger.
“How dare you! You make me this delicious coffee, then question my plans?! Human, you can’t possibly understand my brilliance, and therefore you will do as you were told!” Nightmare Moon’s gaze went from jovial to angered in a snap, already not taking too kindly to Kevin’s sudden shift in attitude.
“Brilliance, right, let’s do a quick check off of your brilliant plans.” Kevin said with a sarcastic chuckle as he pulled out a long scroll. “Let’s start with this one, you wanted me to go into a part of the forest with twisted trees and make them more ‘scary’. Scary, right, what is that supposed to accomplish exactly?”
“Fool, it will cause them to run out of the forest. And with them too afraid to even leave their own homes, I SHALL BE ABLE TO COVER THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ENDLESS NIGHT! BWHAHAHAHA!” Nightmare Moon nearly screamed in laughter as the thought of her plan succeeding overwhelmed her. “So again, how can that possibly fail?”
“Right… We’ll get to that whole ‘endless night’ thing later. Anyway, you want to know how it can possibly fail? How about because in a forest where literally ANYTHING can kill you, drawing on trees to make them scarier IS BEYOND USELESS! Who are we trying to beat, Snow White!? Because let me remind you, Your Highness, she ended up indirectly causing her queen's death too! Ok! boulders landing on your head is NOT the way you want to go! That is disney tier bullshit!"
“Disney? Snow White? Who even…” Nightmare Moon muttered to herself, not understanding what Kevin meant by that until it suddenly hit her that Kevin had actually punched a hole in her trap plan. “E-erm, well, I suppose the Everfree is filled with many a creature who would do actual harm towards the ponies. Aha! But that is why I had ordered you to anger the manticore with a splinter to his paw! That way, there is no way they will be able to handle themselves should they encounter such a beast.”
“Really? Because I checked out the six that decided to come to stop you and noticed one of them is capable of talking to AND SOOTHING animals. And do you know what a manticore is?” Kevin asked her
“Hmmm, an animal?” Nightmare Moon said, confused as to where Kevin was going with this.
“That’s right, an animal, an animal that the yellow pony can easily help, soothe, and get past JUST BY TALKING TO IT! DID YOU NOT EVEN BOTHER TO GET ANY INTEL ON THE SIX THAT JUST SO HAPPENED TO ENTER THE FOREST?! Really, who sets a bunch of traps in which each member of a party has a skill to easily bypass one specific to their abilities? Oh right, YOU! YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW A RUBIK’S CUBE AT THEM AND HOPE THEY’LL BE DISTRACTED LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO INITIATE YOUR PLAN!” Kevin again yelled at her as he pointed towards the castle entrance “You don’t even have any defenses for the front of the castle! Do you honestly think any of these plans will actually stop them?!”
“Y-yes? But, erm… Just to ask, would the Rubik’s cube thing work?” Nightmare Moon asked, taking a quick sip of her coffee as she just stared innocently at Kevin, something clicking in her mind causing her to listen, as if jigsaw pieces were coming together.
“No! Because the purple one would just solve it in an instant! Are you paying attention?! These six might actually be able to stop you if you let them get close! How do you not understand that?!” Kevin groaned as he started to rub his head, annoyed at his boss’s ignorance.
“Ha! But they cannot get close! You see, I had taken the liberty of upsetting a sea serpent to cause a ra-” But as Nightmare Moon was explaining, Kevin suddenly cut her off.
“Yeeeaaah no! Again, the sea serpent is an ANIMAL! And even, EVEN if they couldn’t help him and ask him for help, you have to remember that they’re ponies. You do remember they’re ponies, right?!”
“Of course I do, I am a pony as well of most majestic class.” Nightmare Moon states as she stands regally, pointing to herself.
“Yeah, and aren’t ponies specifically good at moving and pulling really heavy things?” Kevin asked
“They are” Nightmare Moon answers.
“And isn’t there two PEGASUS PONIES in their group?” Kevin asked again
“Indeed, but what does that- Oh I get it now, they can just… carry them… Over the river.” Nightmare Moon reeled back a bit as she realized her folly. But then suddenly, she cackled as she came upon another realization she had forgotten. “But I have done some research on those fools, and I know the blue one wishes to join the Wonderbolts one day. Hence my plan to appear to her as a team known as the ‘Shadowbolts’. I will entice her and lure her away with false promises and lies. MWHAHAHAHAHA! And then, they will be doomed to fail.”
"Oh yeah, how could I forget the shadowbolts, the greatest flying team in Equestria. Oh, that's right, the reason I don't remember them is because you just made them up RIGHT NOW! HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TRICK THE SPORTS PEGASUS TO JOIN A TEAM THAT LITERALLY POPPED OUT OF THIN AIR, IN A FOREST, A FOREST ONLY CRAZY PONIES WOULD LIVE IN! WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO GO AWAY WITH THE EQUIVALENT OF CRAZY FOREST HOBOS! NOBODY LISTENS TO CRAZY FOREST HOBOS! NOBODY EVEN LISTENS TO REGULAR HOBOS! SO HOW DID YOU EVEN THINK THAT WOULD WORK?” Kevin was losing his cool now
“I...Erm...Ngh.” Suddenly, Nightmare Moon exploded in anger, unable to take any more criticism. “THEN HOW WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IT!”
“Glad you asked.” Kevin said, suddenly calming down as he pointed both his fingers at her. “Now, if I were you, I’d simply destroy the elements of harmony. If I somehow couldn’t, I’d have launched them into space and into the sun where NO ONE would be able to get them. Then, using my almighty magical power, I’d have attacked from the shadows and ended everyone who’d stand against me, including those of the ruling class. By doing that, I’d be the de facto leader of Equestria. Pretty simple, right? I think so, considering it doesn’t seem to take very much to actually take over this place.”
Nightmare Moon sat there and pondered, taking yet another sip of her coffee. “Hmmm, I never thought of taking more violent methods before. I wonder why? That actually sounds like a good plan, Kevin.”
“Thank you. However, seeing as I’m not you, I decided to take more extreme measures of taking care of our problem by laying my own traps in the forest.” Kevin said, as he brought a single hand to his ear.
“Your own traps? Do they involve striking fear into their very souls?” Nightmare Moon asked with a dark grin.
“Uhhhh, no. It’s more like…” Suddenly, a loud set of explosions can be heard in the distance as various pony parts start to fall about, some even coming through the holes of the castle. “The explodey and permanent end type of trap.”
“By Tartarus! You… You turned them to bits!” Nightmare Moon said with a gasp as she poked at a purple ear. “T-that’s… I’ve never seen such cruelty. I-I…” Nightmare Moon felt something unlock deep within her, a deep chasm of cruelty bursting through her very heart. “LOVE IT! MWHAHAHA! Kevin! With your abilities and my rulership, I will bring eternal night upon Equestria!” Nightmare Moon yelled out, raising her hooves and throwing her coffee cup upwards as she laughed evilly into the air.
“Yeeaaaaaahh, now we can get to that. So, about the whole eternal night thing. Let me just ask, you are aware you’d eventually freeze the entire planet, right? Without the sun, everything would eventually cool down until we all freeze to death. Just making sure you know that.” Kevin was being very calm at this point, just making sure if his boss knew the consequences of her actions.
But Nightmare Moon herself let out an evil little chuckle as she answered. “Mhmhmhm, it doesn’t in Equestria. You see, Kevin, in this universe, temperatures are not so extremely affected by such things. There will be no trouble. As you can see, the actual wellness of the world is under control when it comes to my everlasting rule. All will finally appreciate the night over the day”
“Ok, ok. Good to know. So what about the plant life? I get the Everfree is some sort of magic thing. But what about regular trees, plants, crops? Those won’t be affected by your whole eternal night thing, right?” Kevin asked, as his hand began reaching for his pocket.
“Yes!... No, those actually need the,er, sun. B-but we should still be able toOW!” But as Nightmare Moon tried to justify her failure, Kevin pulled out a rolled up newspaper and bopped her on the head with it.
“No! You won’t be doing an eternal night at all unless you want EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOU, TO DIE! WE NEED SUNLIGHT TO GROW THE FOOD WE NEED TO EAT! I’M A HUMAN, BOSS! I WILL HUNT ALL THE PONIES DOWN FOR SUSTENANCE IF I HAVE TO, JUST TO SURVIVE!” Kevin suddenly took a deep breath, and calmed himself as he asked. “So what are we going to do?”
“I… Suppose I can continue the normal cycle. Yes, that sounds doable. Oh! But I want, no, DEMAND there be a moon festival at the end of every month to pay tribute to ME and the beautiful night I shall bring. All those who fail to pay tribute and partake in such festivities will perish! How does that sound?” Nightmare Moon asked, almost as if she was asking a father.
“Thank you…” Kevin says with a heavy sigh “We’re making progress” He whispers to himself before looking upon Nightmare Moon with a smile “That sounds great, your highness, absolutely tops. However, there’s still the whole thing about actually getting you on the throne. But don’t worry, I already had that taken care of too.”
“Oh?” Nightmare Moon said with a curious smirk “With a vast army to defeat my sister and her worthless guard so that I may too seal her for a thousand years?”
“No, more like a missile I got from Doctor Wily when I was his assistant. Since ponies don’t have any radar system, Canterlot is literally helpless when it comes to…” Suddenly, an even more powerful explosion is heard in the far distance as pieces of rubble rain from the sky, a bloody crown once worn by Celestia somehow falling into the castle and in front of Nightmare Moon’s hooves. “Oh, there you go. You’re queen of Equestria now. Great work, Your Highness!” Kevin said with a thumbs up.
Nightmare Moon, who normally would have been elated at such a conclusion, looked upon her sister’s crown in deep shock, without saying a word.
“Well, gotta go hire a team to renovate this whole place. You enjoy your new kingdom while I get everything set up for you.” Kevin said with a wave as he exited the castle.
Nightmare Moon just continued to look upon the crown, mouth agape, shocked.
*coin SFX*
