How Celestia And Luna Accidentally Saved Equestria

by deadpansnarker

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Tirek, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow
Length: 2974

Whilst on vacation, the Princesses Celestia and Luna stumble across Grogar's secret base. Utter bedlam ensues, along with a healthy slice of ridiculousness. Takes place during the events of 'Between Dark And Dawn'.

Whilst on vacation, the Princesses Celestia and Luna stumble across Grogar's secret base. Utter bedlam ensues, along with a healthy slice of ridiculousness... Takes place during the events of 'Between Dark And Dawn'.

Featured from 26/6/19 to 27/6/19

Published 2019-06-26 19:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-06-26 19:10:01 UTC

Two Unwelcome Visitors

"Out of the way, you overgrown cockroach!" Tirek seemed in quite a hurry to get somewhere, and he wasn't going to let a small thing like a usurped Changeling Queen block his path.

"Make me, you useless old fossil!!" Chrysalis spat by way of a retort, just managing to dodge before the rampaging centaur turned her into bug mush.

"Can you two stop fighting so much, and be friends? Didn't you learn anything from our outing last month?" Cozy Glow pleaded with her 'allies', referencing their little trip to Mount Everhoof together.

"NO!!" Well, at least there was something Chrysalis and Tirek agreed on, as their unanimous shouted reply almost sent the pegasus filly careening into the nearest wall. Ouch.

"Hmm... I see working together hasn't made you any better at getting along. What a shame. It would break my heart, if it hadn't withered and died through underuse eons ago."

The unmistakably booming voice of Grogar echoed throughout the central chamber, as his three 'loyal' subjects at last stopped squabbling long enough to gaze at him with stunned awe.

Actually, replace 'stunned awe' with 'undisguised irritation', and you might be somewhat closer to the mark.

"What is it now, Grogar?" Tirek rudely addressed one of the few creatures in Equestria older than him. "I was sharpening my horns to puncture some ponies, when I received your emergency summons out of the blue. This had better be worth it!"

"Yes! I was about to finish my last of a thousand sketches featuring the many different ways I'll brutally murder and torture that vile traitor Thorax, and you interrupted my artistic vision!" Chrysalis snarled in anger, also not impressed. "Now I can't even remember what I planned to throw him into: A cauldron of boiling oil, or a vat of sulphuric acid?"

"Oh, ignore those two party-poopers, it's always great to see you, Gar-Gar!" Completely at odds with his fellow evildoers, Cozy Glow had no hesitation in flying forward and snuggling the oversized ram around his chinny-chin-chin. "Ya know, I've never noticed this before, but your little beard is one of the cutest things I've ever seen! Mind if I fluff it up a bit, while making adorable cooing noises?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I do!!" Grogar promptly removed the limpet-like equine from his caprine self, though whether he was blushing red out of anger or embarrassment, who can say. "And never refer to me as 'Gar-Gar' again!! Only one pony has ever called me that and survived, and their identity will remain a mystery. Anyway, to avoid hearing any more of your foalish whining, I'll get straight to the point. Today, I have another very important mission for you. The very foundation of my brilliant plan depends upon it, and its success or failure might be the difference between the extinction of those accursed ponies, or them peacefully ruling this world for another thousand years of friendship and happiness. Perish the thought."

"Ooh, do I finally get to use these again?" Tirek grinned as he flexed his muscles before kissing them, in a show of shameless narcissism that would make even Iron Will gag.

"Please say it's in the Changeling Kingdom... please say it's in the Changeling Kingdom..." Chrysalis silently mouthed to herself, looking forward to bringing some of her more graphic illustrations to life.

"As long as I get to spend time with you guys, and betray some naively trusting fools along the way, I'm sure we'll have tons of fun!" Cozy Glow grinned pleasantly, the way a serial killer does before dispatching their next victim.

As things turned out though, it looked as if the trio would have 'tons of fungi' instead, as an unmistakeable image appeared in Grogar's crystal ball that raised more than a few eyebrows among the Legion Of Doom wannabes.

"You want us to gather... mushrooms?!" All three stated in unison, with even the usually eager beaver Cozy Glow balking at the idea. You see, her mother used to force her to eat every disgusting veggie on her plate. They even reckon that's what tipped her over the edge.

At least, that's the way she tells it.

Grogar growled at the less-than-enthusiastic reaction to his pending command. "That's right. My favourite food is mushroom soup, and we're fresh out. I couldn't possibly concentrate on the next stage of my diabolical plot without it, but because Equestria isn't ready to face my wrath just yet, I'm forced to rely on you three idiots to collect them for me. Despite the abject failure of your last task, which I suppose shows how desperate I am. So hop to it, unless you want to be 'hopping' for real when I blow off each one of your legs."

Equestria isn't ready to face your wrath? You're just bone idle, that's all. Once again all three of Grogar's alleged helpers were on the same page regarding his true ideals, but being far less powerful than him (for now, at least) they had little choice but to mumble and grumble all the way to the nearest exit.

"The wicker basket is by the entrance. Make sure you return it in one piece... that's hoof-stitching, I'll have you know." Grogar warned the not-very gleesome threesome. "Also, only pick the juiciest looking vegetables. Finally, if a single poisonous mushroom happens to 'accidentally' end up in the batch along with the tasty ones, the individual responsible will lose all their limbs... and their life, too."

"Damn it, there goes another grand plan to get rid of that wrinkly old windbag." Tirek muttered under his breath, as he crossed something out on a piece of paper.

"Hey Tirek, you're a fine one to call someone wrinkly!" Chrysalis paused to smirk maliciously, obviously amused by what she'd just heard. "Your facial creases are so deep, I bet I could squeeze this annoying little filly into one of them!"

"Oh Chrissy, that's hilarious! I bet you're a riot at parties! We'll have to try that sometim... oh wait, you're serious." Cozy Glow gulped nervously at the former changeling ruler, swiftly swerving to avoid being smushed into her old Tartarus cellmate.

"My oh my. It looks like the three of you are having lots of fun together. Mind if we join in?"

"Luna, don't you think it's right to knock first, before we come barging inside?"

"Celestia, in case you hadn't noticed, this place doesn't even have a door!"

"... For once, you're absolutely right, Luna. Still, I think you're being impolite. At least apologise for trespassing, before you say anything else."

"Oh, okay sister... listen everypony: I'm sorry. There, now that that's out of the way... what are we playing? Hopscotch? Blind Mare's Bluff? Pin the tail on the... you know what, skip that last one. I don't think the donkey would be too pleased."

If anything could cause these three black-hearted fiends to turn into stock-still statues of themselves, it would be the sight of two of their most loathed adversaries blithely strolling in without a care in the world.

So stunned were they at this juncture that all thoughts of revenge or retribution completely skipped their numb minds, and all the three of them could do was flap their jaws like goldfish in astonishment at the Princesses of the Moon and the Sun showing up completely without invitation.

"See, I told you this place was no fun." Celestia frowned disappointedly at the dribbling dullards in front of her. "Talk about a bunch of stiffs. Shall we leave and retrace our steps? I'm sure I spotted a quaint little cottage, a few hundred miles back in that direction. Maybe we can learn how to chop wood... with our hooves!"

"Well, I think you're being very harsh, sibling of mine!" Luna grimaced at Celestia's supposed arrogance, whilst looking around the giant cave in admiration. "I must say you three, I love what you've done with the place! Dark, dank and depressing... just the way I like it! As a side-note, you don't have to act all awestruck around us royals now... we are on vacation after all, so a few broaches of protocol are okay! Just, don't make a habit out of it."

"T-Thanks." Tirek finally found his voice, but not really controlling what came out. "I-It was more of a team effort, actually. W-We're just off to p-pick m-mushrooms..."

"H-How on Equestria did they find us?!" Chrysalis hissed to her compatriots, but in full volume. "I thought Grogar said this was the most super-secret lair of super-secret lairs ever to exist!"

"Golly golly gosh, Luna! How did you ever learn to speak so... normal?" Cozy Glow gasped in amazement, having heard plenty of the Moon Princess's dulcet tones during her extended trial. "It doesn't suit you at all. In fact it sounds kinda... weird."

"Well, if it isn't that lovable scamp Cozy Glow! I didn't recognise you at first... did you grow an extra few freckles, or something?" Luna finally remembered the gawping filly fluttering just in front of her, but her amiable demeanour seemed a little forced. "To answer your question, it's all thanks to you! When you mocked all my 'thous' and 'thys' in the courtroom to provoke laughter from everypony including the jury, I made it my New Year's Resolution to ditch my old mannerisms and try communicating like all the other creatures. I have to say, apart from the occasional slip, I think I've made excellent progress! Aside from that minor 'stealing all the magic in Equestria so we all nearly withered up and died' thing, you're not such a bad kid after all!"

"Wait a second. if that's Cozy Glow over there, then these must be..." A wide grin appeared on the face of Celestia, and she briskly stepped forward to shake the hooves of a nonplussed centaur and confused changeling. "How do you do! I think we've met before. You used to be a lot shorter and balder, didn't you Tirek? And I think you were at my honorary daughter-in-law's wedding, weren't you Chrysalis? Did you try the cake? Wasn't it delicious? And in answer to your question: Me and ol' Misery Guts there were just taking a little ramble in the wilderness, days away from civilisation. It was then when I stumbled across a deep chasm, protected by some of the most powerful magic I'd ever seen. So like I said to Luna 'hey, this is my Queendom! They'll be no secret grottos around here on my watch'!"

"Yeah, that's exactly what she said!" Luna nodded, whilst guffawing in the background.

"Thank you for backing up my account, dear sister. Completely unnecessarily, but okay." Celestia sighed in irritation at her chatterbox sibling, before returning to her convoluted tale. "Anyway, as I said, being the almighty monarch that I am, I zapped that forcefield into smithereens within moments before venturing inside to have a little peek. Can anypony here tell me, that under similar circumstances, you wouldn't have done exactly the same thing? Well, then! Next, I found you three subterranean dwellers lurking down here... and I suppose you know the rest."

"Hang on a tick: did I hear you say something about 'mushroom picking'? I love mushrooms! Especially the darker ones with the earthy flavour!" Luna's mouth began watering like a faucet, as she sidled up uninvitedly to the rest of the group. "Mind if I tag along? I'll even carry your basket for you... with magic, of course. I mean: if you've got it, you might as well use it, am I right, or amiright? Right?"

Meanwhile, Celestia was having some ponderous thoughts of her own. "Grogar... Grogar... now, where have I heard that name before? Oh wait, I know! My old friend Gusty mentioned him, a few centuries back. I also think we briefly crossed hooves at some boring charity function. I seem to recall he has a bit of a temper, and harbours ambitions of taking over the world. I won't hold that against him personally, though. I mean, we've all wanted to conquer Equestria at some stage... isn't that right, sis?"

"...Yes, Celestia." Luna stuck her tongue at her teasing sibling, before returning to her new 'friends'. "Tell you what guys, I've been on the road with her for ages. As much as I love my sister, she drives me crazy after a while. I think I'll stick around with you for a bit, while she catches up with Grogar. As long as that's okay, of course."

"U-um." The trio looked at each other completely dumbstruck, as without waiting for a response they were all frogmarched outside by a overenthusiastic Luna.

As she did this, a perfectly calm Celestia ventured further into the cavern to have a friendly chat with Grogar, and all the departing entourage heard of the conversation was a truncated snippet. "Hi, Gar-Gar! It's been too long! Still making false promises to attract the 'best' lackeys around, I see. Now, where's that magical bell you owe me from that poker game you lost epochs ago? Oh, there it is, sticking out from under that rock! You really should take better care of invaluable enchanted artefacts than that. Well, no harm done... hey, there's no need to swear...!"

"Aw, it's so much fun catching up with old acquaintances, isn't it?" Luna gushed, leading her bemused followers outside into the blinding light of day. "...And the three of you will have plenty of time to do just that, in jail after our little mushroom-picking expedition is over!"

"What?! I won't go quietly!" Finally snapping out of his befuddled funk, Tirek was ready to resist with everything he'd got.

"For once, I'm with you! Get ready to fight, Princess!" Chrysalis was equally determined not to lose out on the chance to retake her throne later.

"I hate to be a spoilsport Luna, but I'm afraid I'll have to concur with my buddies here. That steel cage you put me in was awfully confining, I couldn't even do my morning push-ups!" Cozy Glow had the final casting vote, and her view was clear.

"You thought me and Celestia were just going to let three of Equestria's most wanted fugitives run wild and free? After what Sombra almost did? We might be on holiday, but we're still... how do you say... 'on the clock', so to speak." Luna chuckled in an unconcerned way, as she stared down each of her aggressors in turn. "I dare to predict, if you really wanted to, the three of you could take me quite easily. But what about the other princesses, including my sister when she's finished dealing with Grogar, along with a few other close friends? Do you think you stand a chance against them, as well?"

"Huh! You must think I was born yesterday, to fall for that old trick!" Tirek sniffed dismissively, thinking this was all a futile ploy.

"If this wasn't such a tense moment, the thought of Tirek being 'born yesterday' would make me convulse with laughter. But, anyway... prepare to die!" Chrysalis was ready to charge up her magic.

"U-Uh, guys..." Cozy Glow stammered nervously nearby.

"What do you want, pipsqueak? Can't you see we're on the verge of a truly epic victory here?" Tirek rolled his eyes at the miniature pest.

"If you carry on like this, you'll be the next pony we vaporise! Even earlier than I originally planned!" Chrysalis said truthfully, mere seconds from blasting away.

"I-I know, I-I hate you guys too. B-But..." Cozy Glow obviously had a bee in her bonnet about something, and she wasn't going to shut up now.

"What?!" Both Tirek and Chrysalis took time out of their busy Luna-liquidising schedule to glance at the young pegasus with the highest contempt.

"L-Look all around us..." Cozy Glow gulped, pointing with a shaky hoof to just behind them.

With a grunt and a sigh, the centaur and changeling spun their heads around, to see what all the fuss was about...

And immediately, wished that they hadn't.

For everypony who was anypony in the 'hero' game was there, including Twilight and her crew, Cadance, Shining Armour... even a happily burbling Flurry Heart had made the trip.

Her parents had thought it would be a valuable learning experience for her, you see.

That didn't even count all the Wonderbolts, palace guards, species from many different nations who'd recently signed treaties with the ponies in the event of the Storm King's defeat...

Including Discord, who just couldn't wait to 'reconnect' with Tirek again and Thorax, who as a self-proclaimed art fan, would surely study Chrysalis's colourful drawings with great interest.

"As soon as we heard you three baddies chattering away down there, my sister instantly sent a message to like, everyone to meet us here." Luna explained to the gobsmacked trio, without even a hint of triumphalism (well, maybe just a bit). "It was just a case of keeping you all talking while they arrived, with a little help utilising the light speed of magical travel. Now, shall we get going?"

"You mean... you want us to take them to jail?" Twilight was ready to obey whatever command the princess gave.

"No, silly... mushroom picking, of course!" Luna beamed, to the groans of hundreds of creatures around her. "We have to find something to pass the time, until my sister's finished below. Tell me you three: where did you say were the best locations to dig? I can get you a reduced sentence if you cooperate...!"

Author's Note

This idea was too funny to ignore. I based the characterisations of the princesses on the way they were in the latest episode, where they seemed to be more laid-back than I've ever seen before. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and please comment below if you want. :scootangel: