The Eggs of Dementia

My name was Wally, but call me “Dark Warrior”. I was just an ‘average’ scrawny 14-year-vampyric ----- living a very un-average nightmare in a hellhole of an Ohio town. Why did I live there? Well, that’s a very good question; it’s a question I could’ve very well posed to my parents each and every godforsaken day that I returned from freshman studies at my local high school, where I was tormented and bullied. You see, we had moved here about a year ago from another small-ish town in Nebraska. It wasn’t ‘Hollywood’, but I had a niche – a place where I felt comfortable.

Anyhow, per the norm with a situation like this, it was a case of my dad getting a job here in Ohio (a miracle in itself, I guess) and without a fifth, of course, just loading up our jalopy of a Jeep Grand Cherokee with meager possessions (leaving behind our old and smelly furniture) and hightailing it down (is it really that far down from Nebraska to Ohio?) to this town which I reluctantly won’t name, for the safety of the idiots that inhabit(ed) it (yeah, just call me a pacifist...).

I was just an average kid who enjoyed playing Runescape, surfing the World Wide Web and.. oh yeah, watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The notion to begin watching the show came to me in a dream during our first night in the new house in which I was committing tortures and drinking blood, which wasn’t actually that far off from my normal thoughts. This naturally devolved into my typical dream in which I was in a dominion of hate and sacrifice known to me as the “Plane of Torment”, where I, the Dark Warrior aka the Gate Keeper, would thrust his double flaming daggers into the hearts of the robot overlord Excelsior’s minions. I was having a great time (always in contrast to my lonely apathetic life) but on that night, I was.. should I say, rudely interrupted by a jive talkin’ white unicorn who, in short, attempted (and, spoiler, succeeded) to turn me onto a path of righteousness.. or at least having less violent and ridiculous dreams.

“Darling, you really must give up that whole ‘hatred’ nonsense WHAT WHAT,” the unicorn said in a laughable stock English accent. I wanted to boot this fucking little minx across the Qliphoth and into the waiting arms of the Dark Father to sacrifice, but I was held back by her apparent cronies who teleported in; mystical beings which identified themselves as the “ELEMENTS OF HARMONY”.

“Bah, harmony!” I thought, as I was about to unleash my double daggers into their hearts and kick them out of my dark dream so I could continue to kick ass, but alas, their concentrated power was too much. One of these beings, which I ascertained to be another unicorn, this one purple, weakened me with raw mystic energy that emanated from its horn. Such energy I had not experienced since I defeated Wolf Lord Zanderclaw in the Champion Chamber Tournament about a fortnight ago. Anyway, the unicorn’s fearsome mystic assault, coupled with a soul-shattering glare of a yellow flying type depleted my mana and weakened me to the point of collapsing.

“Ugh,” I ejaculated, lying on the ground. I was surrounded by these beings but their faces were obscured by the yellow haze of a day’s end sun on the plane.

“We don’t have much time, he’s almost awake,” the purple unicorn said.

“WELL GAWSH TWAHLAWGHT.” the orange horse began to say in a southern accent as the purple unicorn began to cut open my chest with its magical force. It didn’t hurt; it actually tickled a bit...

“Here… goes… nothing.” she said, pulling my heart, black as lead and death, out of my chest. It rotated in the air for several minutes as the beings began some sort of incantation in regards to the “ELEMENTS OF HARMONY” gimmick.

I figured this was some kind of ploy by my rival Lord Hawkvomit, but this… this was real; as real as a dream can get, that is. My heart, rotating in the air, looked goofy, so I began to laugh. The beings were trying to finish their spell to… cleanse it, I guess, and they seemed to finish in the nick of time. The last thing I remember from that dream is the shimmering radiance of the white unicorn. A deep organ chord struck as thunder blasted and I woke up, sweating like the dickens. I had also wet myself.

The very following day, after dinner, I was browsing the internet when I ‘stumbledupon’ a page… a page which contained information pertaining to “MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC”. I did a double-take, as the images on screen were consistent with my interrupted dream. Six beings – one blue (well, an assortment of colors, really), one pink, one purple, one orange, one yellow and one… white. Ah, yes! The “white witch” as I referred to her as, rather loud, to the chagrin of my dad, who scolded me and how.

Then, I collapsed… from what I guess they call a ‘cuteness overload’. These little ponies were the cutest things I had ever seen. They were adorable, innocent creatures that lovingly contradicted my REAL thirst for blood and death, but I did not pay any matter to this. I didn’t even seem to have a grudge against them anymore in regards to them ruining my dream, (though an explanation would’ve, or still would be nice) so I took to the internet website Wikipedia to research this further.

As it turned out, these ponies were the virtual centerfold of an evolving cult of those known as the “Bronies”. They even had their own primetime television show, which was the origin of the hullabaloo anyhow. We didn’t have cable, so the show’s central hub, a channel literally called “The Hub” was unavailable to me at that time. So I took to yet another site, YouTube.com, and land-a-goshen! Would you believe that there were literally oodles of episodes for me to watch? In high definition… in different languages…

I watched them. I laughed; I cried… well, the crying was mostly because school was scheduled to begin the very next day.

At that point it hit me far harder than any of Excelsior’s minions could have. I was about to begin high school as a freshman in a town that I just moved to. I knew no-one, but then again, no-one knew me either. Armed with my apparently cleansed soul and new inspiration from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I told myself that it was going to be OK…