The Eggs of Dementia

As my head hit the pillow and I was suddenly in the grasp of Princess Luna, who was had apparently made good on her proclamation that it wasn’t over. We fell right through the ceiling of first hour English in slow motion. Now, I may have lost track of time again, but who cared, this was some badass shit. We were in a heated grapple to the death while a badass metal song was playing. The room inexplicably caught on fire and people were screaming and their flesh was burning off, but I guess… Satan’s minions… had seemingly barricaded the door and windows, making escape impossible until the entire foundation burned down. I thought it was pretty cool. I delivered a weak southpaw to Luna’s face and she impaled my forehead with her horn. It hurt, but I drank some of the blood and gathered myself to perform a chokeslam.

“FUCKERS!” echoed a voice, which I recognized. It was Super Mecha Death Christ B.C. 4.0 Beta, pretty much a sailor-mouthed robot version of Jesus who fired lasers, nothing more, nothing less.
He blasted down the barricade and I figured he was aiming to fire a laser right at me, but he shot it at the barricaded window, which revealed Satan, closing in for a kill. Satan puked green slime all over the place and did battle with Super Mecha Death Christ while I battled Luna.

“We’re the same…” Luna said. “We… both… want… the… world… to… end.”

“We’re not the same, you fucking Nazi whore.” I exclaimed, as I did a cool reach-around, ripping one of Mrs. Crittenton’s big breasts off and crushing Luna’s head with it. I eventually regained my bearings and went for a whirling dervish, but Luna countered and threw me at a ceiling light. Flesh was burning and sirens were approaching from outside, but the battle raged on.

I picked up a burned and severed leg and tried to ram Luna but she dodged it and I hit Satan instead, knocking him right over a desk.

The foundation was crumbling, meaning we only had a few minutes before the towering inferno collapsed and there would be no victors. What exactly we were fighting for I had no idea, but I was having fun. Perhaps a bit too much fun at the expense of others, but this was preferable to being called names for wearing jean shorts and charging my lunch every day. The entire window wall had burned to a cinder and I had Luna in position to throw her off.

“The genocide of my people shall not conclude here!” she exclaimed, the aural hellfire not quite enough to knock me back. Wherever I garnered this newfound strength from I did not know.

At this point, Luna was somewhere between being Freddy Krueger and an angry Native American. If she died on Earth, she was gone for good. If she died period, then Celestia’s thousand year empire cleansing was complete and all hope was lost for the Lunar Republic. I could see three sniper lasers pointing directly at me from an adjacent building. I had Luna in a chokehold and the choice was mine. Everything leading up to this point, the purported mental illness, the conspiracies, the reality gap…

“Why was I chosen?” I asked, suddenly desperate for an explanation for this entire situation, from very beginning to end, which seemed to be coming up soon.

“What did I do to deserve this?” I continued, but Luna had no interest in answering.

“FUCKERS!” I heard from behind as Super Mecha Death Christ shot a rocket directly at us. We dodged it, but just then the building collapsed.

“HA!” Luna exclaimed, as she broke free and began to fly away. But without a fifth, a police helicopter rose from out of nowhere and a commando with a wise-guy smile fucking pumped her full of lead with a mounted machine gun.

I didn’t even notice what was happening beyond that because the damn building had collapsed and I was in a state of freefalling. It was funny how this event of all events seemed to last the longest, and how that old cliché of seeing your entire life transpire before you die was actually occurring… to a point. It’s not exactly everything that happens in your life – in fact, large portions of my vision consisted of water boiling in a steel pot on a stovetop, a vision which I had actually had since my youth but never attempted to interpret…

It was a shame that my life was going to end, but man, what a way to go out. I wasn’t even sure that this was real, but I was actually on fire for most of the plunge and could feel it – really feel it.

As my very last liberating breath transpired – as the Dark Warrior plunged into the inferno below – I looked down and realized that I was not human. I was a flower.