It was the middle of another busy day in Ponyville. More specifically, Twilight's School of Friendship. The mare in question was taking a brief reprieve from her self-imposed educational duties to scarf down lunch in the teacher's lounge. She'd commissioned the architect to make sure said lounge was larger than any of the classrooms, for anti-anxiety purposes. The only other ponies sharing the space with her at the moment were Rainbow Dash and Rarity, both of whom were also eating.
"Hey Twi," Rainbow began between mouthfuls, "You find any new fak-ul-ty yet? 'Cause we won't be able to do this and run the whole country at the same time."
"I'm working on it," Twilight said. Taking another bite of her sandwich, she pursed her lips as she chewed.
"Far be it from me to criticize somepony for being meticulous, but could you perhaps expedite the search?" Rarity asked. "I do have a business to run, you know. And I'm not alone among us in that regard."
At this, Twilight's eyes unfocused in thought. "Actually, once we do take over for the princesses, it might be a conflict of interest to keep operating your boutiques. What would stop you from lowering the sales tax on garments, for example?"
Before Rarity could finish processing this and form her reply, however, the lights in the room suddenly dimmed. An upbeat, jazzy tune began to play, and yellow spotlights danced around them. "What the—?" uttered Dash, looking about.
"Discord, is that you?" Twilight asked, slightly exasperated. "You don't always have to make an entrance."
"Congratulations!" a new voice, clearly not Discord, exclaimed.
Her ears shooting up in shock, Twilight spun to face the source of the voice, along with Rarity and Rainbow. It was a human of all things, a man with brown hair and peach skin. He was clean cut, wearing a fine suit and tie. Her friends seemed even more surprised than she was, Twilight noted in her peripheral vision. This made sense, as neither of them had been through the portal.
Rarity's brows furrowed. "Excuse me, but who are you, exactly? And how did you get in here?"
"Oh, I'm with the Guinness Book of Extradimensional Records," the man said, as if that explained everything. Then, he immediately turned back to face Twilight with a shining smile, moving right along. "It is my honor to present you with your certificate of achievement for having the largest number of pornographic images of your likeness among all of fiction!"
Twilight had been smiling too for the first half of that sentence. Then, her face rapidly fell. She blinked once, twice. "WHAT!?"
"Oh, right, that can be hard to take in," the man said, in a less exuberant tone. "To clarify, you're only fictional in my world. You ladies are all 100% real, don't worry."
Twilight hadn't moved a muscle, save for her diaphragm, which was working overtime, and showed no indication of having heard him. Rarity and Dash both had wide eyes, and were looking back and forth between him and Twilight.
"Anyway, here you go!" the man said. Then, he snapped his fingers and pointed to Twilight. With a flash, glowing golden letters appeared above her head, reading 'MOST PORN'.
"Have a great day!" As quickly as he came, the man of records disappeared, returning the lounge's lighting and audio to normal.
Twilight glanced above herself, her face paling. Rarity's jaw hung open. For a moment, all was silence. Then Rainbow burst out laughing, falling out of her chair.
"I have... the most porn... of anyone," Twilight slowly repeated. An instant later, her remaining calm shattered, her wings flying open and her pupils shrinking to pinpricks.
Letting out a garbled scream, Twilight began rocking back and forth, muttering to herself at high speed. "Oh Celestia! 'No wrong way to fantasize', my plot! I didn't ask for this; I'm not even sexy! Who knows how many people are looking at representations of my genitalia right now? A hundred? A thousand? More? Too many! I'm not even human, why do they like me so much in that way? There have to be others, right? But no, for some reason, I'm the most appealing in all of fiction? Among all royals, all scholars, everyone purple? AHH!"
It was at this point that Rainbow's fit of laughter petered off. "O-Oh, wow," she eventually managed, wiping away tears. "Twi, the biggest prude, being super-ogled by aliens? That is rich." She let out a long breath. "But, uh, are you okay?"
"Does it look like she's okay?" Rarity asked, rhetorically. Currently she was trying her best to consolingly hug the poor alicorn, who seemed liable to explode into her component particles from embarrassment at any second.
"Good point," Rainbow acknowledged, moving to join Rarity. She stroked the vibrating Twilight's mane with a frown, trying to choose her words carefully, unlike usual. "Hmm. Well, at least you don't have to actually meet any of the weirdos masturbating to pics of you. They're a whole universe away!"
"That's a very minor condolence, Dash!" Twilight wailed.
Rarity shot an icy glare at Rainbow before gently sighing to Twilight. "While I can only imagine what you're going through right now, darling, it's not... all bad. Why, don't think about the dirty details. This just shows you're a very likable mare, and that you could afford to have a bit more confidence. I believe that's quite the positive take-home lesson, yes?"
"I'm the Princess of Friendship, of course I'm likable! There are absolutely zero good things about this, Rarity!"
"Well, I tried," Rarity deadpanned. "And I'm fairly sure a paper bag on the muzzle followed by some chamomile tea isn't going to work this time."
Humming, Rainbow stared at Twilight for a long moment, confused. "How exactly is this different from any other Twilie-nannas freakout? I feel that compared to evil villains, this isn't that big of a problem. She'll get over it eventually, right?"
Cringing, Rarity pointed upwards. There, Twilight's 'MOST PORN' title still floated, captivating in its impropriety.
Rainbow hissed through her teeth. "Neeeever mind."
Upon noticing her friends noticing the lingering award, Twilight pushed them away, galloping across the room. When the message followed her as she moved, she screamed in horror yet again. She lit her horn, firing off every anti-illusion charm, counterspell, and curse dispelling hex she knew in succession. None of them worked, and Twilight's panicking redoubled. "It won't go away! Forget leadership, I can't even go out in public like this!" Strands of her mane curled in all directions with a series of twangs. "What am I supposed to do!?"
Rarity could only watch as Twilight broke down completely, collapsing to the floor in tears. Dash, however, answered. "You could, like, move somewhere nocreature knows how to read? They might mistake it for a halo or something."
"That's a terrible idea, Rainbow Dash!" Rarity exclaimed. "Where would she get books at such a place?"
"Oh. Good point." Rainbow shrugged. "In that case, I got nothing."
When the school bell rang, signaling the start of passing period, Twilight remained rooted to the spot in her despair. Rarity reluctantly began to pack her things. "So, um, I suppose I'll go let Spike know you're here and... unwell. It wouldn't do to keep the students waiting, yes?"
"Yeah, me too," Rainbow added, already flying out the door. "I know you'll pull through eventually, Twi."
And thus, Twilight was alone. Alone, but not unnoticed, given the countless humans gratifying themselves to her body constantly. She shook and moaned into her wings, wishing that stupid record hadn't been hers.
Author's Note
Yes, this is a real thing, according to credible research that has been shared with me. For those curious, the next runner-up, Hatsune Miku, has less than half the Rule 34 our pal Twilight does. Food for thought.
