Chapters The initial night of the meeting was neither dark nor stormy, so it had to be put off. They had to wait days, for this was a serious meeting, and once a sufficiently dark and stormy night blew across Canterlot, Pinkie Pie and Ruby Rose stared at each other wearing their serious faces.
They sat down on a park bench that should have been cloaked in shadow, but municipals had gotten around to fixing the street light. Ruby kicked her legs in annoyance but didn’t say anything. After all, real spy missions had tons of things go terribly wrong and she could endure some pleasant light. Electing to make the best of it, Ruby lowered her voice and growled, “Do you have it?”
Pinkie Pie, wearing a leather jacket and black fedora, shrugged and looked away. “Maybe I do and maybe I don’t, see?” She said. “Depends on if you’re as good as your word, see?”
Ruby snorted in what she hoped was a cynical manner. “Don’t insult me. This is the good stuff.” She patted the food tray on her lap. “30 chocolate chip cookies shaped like shot glasses. You can load these boys up with as much milk as you want and…” she bit her lip, “like, eat them and stuff. How does my uncle talk like this all the time?"
“You’re just trying a bit to hard,” Pinkie said. “You don’t want to overreach. Stop at ‘as much milk as you want,’ and smirk or something. For fun I make a cheat sheet of stuff I can use when I’m doing a bit. You wanna see sometime?”
“That sounds like fun!” Ruby said, before returning back to character. “But I ain’t here for fun. Do you have the Intel?”
Pinkie looked down at the cigarette case in her hand. She slowly pulled out a lollipop, taking the time to enjoy the first lick, before she smiled and answered. “The Nineteenth of June. That's their anniversary. The night it all began. In the afternoon.”
Not wanting to be out-toughed, Ruby took out her hip-flask and downed a shot of milk. “You're sure?”
Pinkie glared at the girl. “Hey, I’m a business woman. I sell goods, see? And if my goods ain’t good, then that’s bad for business, and I don’t do bad business. See?”
“…Yeah,” Ruby bluffed. “Clear as crystal. The deed is done, then. Sunset Shimmer will never see it comi—“
“Is something happening?”
Both girls leapt off their bench and screamed as Sunset Shimmer appeared behind them. “Sorry!” Sunset exclaimed. “I didn’t mean to scare you, but I do a check when certain people say my name, and it's late and you two weren't home, and I got… worried… actually, what are you two doing?”
“NOTHING SUSPICIOUS,” Pinkie said as she pulled Ruby up from her supplicating pose. “We were… not being suspicious at night all alone because… we’re secretly in love?” Ruby squeaked uselessly as Pinkie shifted her grip from around her shoulder to around her waist. “And we wanted to keep it away from the public because of how the church would freak out and it’s just so romantic how can you not sympathize with us? ”
Sunset thought about Pinkie Pie’s best impression of Rarity for a moment. “You’re desperately in love with Ruby?”
“More than, like, the stars? Stars are romantic.”
“Uh-huh. And you’re completely obsessed with her?”
Pinkie carefully trembled her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I can live without her, Sunset—“
“What’s her full name?”
Pinkie opened her mouth.
Her brain, normally incredibly reliable, informed her that she’d never been told Ruby’s last name, it was funnier if she didn't know, and that she was on her own.
Pinkie closed her mouth.
Desperately, her eyes roamed the park for anything useful. Her eyes settled on a flowerbed, and most specifically on the gorgeous red rose in the center.
“Ruby Garden,” she said confidently.
Ruby covered her face with her hands, and without missing a beat Pinkie dove onward. “Is what I call her because of her love of gardening because we have cute pet names now and aren’t we precious ?”
“You don’t actually think I’m buying this?”
“Okay, what if we kissed romantically?” Ruby squeaked as Pinkie dipped her and stared soulfully into her eyes, a rose clenched in her teeth. “En realidad no hablo español, Ruby Garden. Grande Amore.”
Ruby blushed, and Pinkie was surprised to feel a slight shiver in her chest. She leaned towards Ruby's lips—
“Okay!” Ruby interrupted. She pushed herself to her feet, looked at Sunset and nearly bowed again, but Sunset’s expression stopped her. “Um… your gloriousness—“
“It’s two o’clock in the morning,” Sunset said, “please talk normally.”
“R-right… so we at the Church of the Divine Bacon Horse were looking for a way to expand our calendar beyond our initial holidays celebrating you.”
Sunset closed her eyes and forced herself to remember that this counted as normal speech.
“And since we don’t know when your birthday is (yet,) Pinkie approached us with a… romantic option—“
“She made me tell her when your anniversary was!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“What?” Ruby whirled around glared up at the taller girl. “I did not! You took that bribe fair and square!”
“They were shot-glass cookies! That’s not fair and you know it! Its like expecting Sunset not to give in every time Twilight takes her hand and makes eye contact for longer than two seconds.”
“It's not… every time,” Sunset weakly offered, but the two girls ignored her.
“Well,” an affronted Ruby said, “Fine then! We’ll plan the celebration without you!”
Pinkie gasped. “You can’t properly plan a perfect party without Pinkie Pie present!"
"Watch me!" Ruby said. "I can do anything you do, better!"
Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "You’re not half the Genki Girl I am!”
“Oh yeah?” Ruby declared. “I’m energetic! I’m fun! I’m super cute with pretty eyes!”
Pinkie blinked, momentarily thrown off. "You think my eyes are pretty?"
“And I’ll get this done myself!” Ruby declared, before dramatically running away.
“I hope you're happy Sunset!” Pinkie shouted. “You’ve destroyed a relationship that lasted for a whole minute!”
Sunset stared at Pinkie as she ran away, before turning to look at Ruby’s steadily retreating form.
She sighed. “This is not going to end well.”
Author's Note
Stitched together from some flash-fics.
Takes place in the Oversaturated World. Super-quick continuity notes: Magic has become incredibly common and Sunset is in charge of managing it. People worship her, she doesn't like it but can't stop them without resorting to morally-dubious displays of power, and Ruby is in charge of a church that helps keep that from escalating called The Church of the Divine Bacon Horse. She's also from RWBY, how that fits in can be found over here
Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose and didn't look up. She couldn't look up. The sound and smell were bad enough.
She heard Ruby shift uncomfortably. "Okay, I know this looks bad—"
Sunset raised her hand. Ruby stopped talking. Pinkie stepped forwards. "No, you can't be mad at Ruby 'cause—"
"No no," Sunset said, "Still processing. Sh."
There was a long stretch of silence. Neither of the girls risked moving. There was a chance they'd stopped breathing. With a reluctant sigh, Sunset opened her eyes.
Proportionally speaking, there wasn't that much fire. The banquet hall was a huge, cavernous room that could fit thousands, and the fire only really extended to a few tables and some wallpaper. Of course, that cavernous room was filled with scattered rubble, the shattered pillars, and an alarming amount of smashed food, so maybe it felt like there was more fire because of how crowded it was. "One at a time. Explain. Now."
Ruby, the girl who'd formed a whole movement around prostrating herself ironically to someone else to make that person feel better about the people who meant it, looked abashed. "Heh heh... Well, we kinda were fighting over who was the best at throwing celebrations."
Pinkie, the girl who'd needed someone to explain what humiliate actually meant, bit her lip. "While we... ya know, did that, there was... a pie thrown by... someone..."
There was another stretch of silence, filled with Ruby hoping that Pinkie would finish that part of the story and Pinkie trying to form words.
Sunset didn't have an expression. An expression would have been less scary.
Ruby coughed. "Things sorta... escalated."
With a creaking groan, part of the roof behind them caved in. Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
Both girls flinched. Sunset had moved into sarcasm . Sarcastic Sunset did bad things to people. Heaven help them if she moved into irony.
Ruby drew in a deep breath." Okay, so I think the whole fight is on Ewetube, so I thought I could sorta gloss over that—"
"Oh, would you like to gloss over that?" Sunset asked. "Would you like to gloss over the pie tins that you've somehow embedded in the stone wall? Would you like to gloss over thousands of dollars of food you've wasted? Are you glossing over everything you've set on fire? How do you set fires in a food fight?"
"Well, it's got something to do with friction—"
Sunset held out her hand. Ruby stopped talking. "I can't believe you challenged Pinkie Pie to a food fight! You could have been hurt—"
"Actually." Pinkie interrupted, "She kicked my ass."
This pulled Sunset up short for several reasons. Firstly, Pinkie had interrupted her, and Pinkie had just leveled a part of Sunset's church. But Pinkie had also said that someone had beaten her in a food fight, and that didn't happen. Not to mention that was the first complete sentence Pinkie had said, when normally Pinkie would be outright assaulting logic in an attempt to get out of trouble. And come to think of it, since when did Pinkie swear? And—
Sunset's eyes narrowed. Pinkie had been quiet for most of this conversation and made a point of avoiding Sunset's eyes. That was to be expected, but she also kept looking at Ruby and then looking at the floor. She shifted uncomfortably. She nervously chewed on her lip. She caught herself looking at Ruby again—
No way. Sunset looked back at Ruby, who had flushed crimson at Pinkie's praise. "You beat Pinkie in a fight?"
"I mean..." Ruby said. "I studied the Elements a lot, and Laughter was always really interesting."
"Mhm," Sunset said as she watched Pinkie perk up.
"And I train all the time!" Ruby said. "We're fighting against monsters and stuff, and Sunny's coaching us and I've gotten really strong! See?" She flexed her arm and Pinkie's eyes trailed her thin but developing biceps.
"Right," Sunset said. "Pinkie, do you have anything to add?"
"Well," Pinkie said, "I mean, no, that's pretty much it, yeah."
Pinkie Pie is having trouble forming coherent sentences. Pinkie Pie.
Sweet Celestia she's been twitterpated.
"Well," Sunset said, "That must have been an amazing fight, Ruby. It'd take a lot to impress Pinkie this much."
"...Thank you?" Ruby said slowly, not noticing how Pinkie's gaze began dancing away from her and around the room in an attempt to find something not-embarrassing to look at. "Does this mean you're done yelling and stuff?"
Sunset sighed. "Tell you what: the two of you clean this up and we're cool."
"Oh!" Ruby looked at the rubble and food was strewn across a structure that was big enough to house a circus troop and swallowed. "Uh, how long—"
"As long as it takes." With a gesture, the fires smothered themselves, the roof reversed and formed back into one solid ceiling, and the more dangerous piles of rubble were dumped in a sector of space Sunset used as a junkyard when she felt lazy. "So! Brooms and mops are in the janitors closet, trash cans and bags are over there, and I think you can see where the mess is?"
Both girls nodded glumly. Sunset wasn't going to make them clean the whole thing up; both of them would feel bad enough that they'd work themselves late, and then Sunset could be impressed by their dedication and do the rest herself in the morning.
Author's Note
Written by Masterweaver. Support his Patreon .
Chapter 3
You know, I never expected you to call one of these meetings. You're not really the proactive one."
"Mmm."
"Yeah, I know. Hey, Maud, you know what this is about?"
"No."
"Do you have a fu--freakin' guess?"
"Yes."
"Would you like to tell me what your guess is?"
"I think that Marble should tell us."
"Mmmhmmm."
"Fine, whatever! What's taking you so long?"
"She's making sure our video chat is secure. That nobody unscrupulous can listen in on us."
"Mmhmm."
"Right, you always were the tech-savvy one..."
"Mmm!"
"Does that mean we're safe?"
"Mmmhmm."
"F--Friggin' finally. Come on, Marble, spill!"
"Mmh."
"...A picture of Pinkie? Marble, what--wait, who's that with her?"
"That would be Ruby Rose. The pope of the church of the Divine Bacon Horse."
"I... guess that makes sense? I mean Pinkie's one of Sunset's friends, so of course the shimmerists are going to take interest in her--"
"Mm-mm."
"Marble's right, Limestone. That's not what's going on here. Well, not all that's going on."
"Really, then what the f--? Hold on. Hold on, that smile. That's not Pinkie's ordinary smile."
"Mmmhmmmmm..."
"...you're fucking with me."
"And you were doing so well."
"Shut it, Maud. Marble, are you sure about this?"
"Hrrrrrm... mmhmmm."
"Well... shit. I mean, I'm happy for her and all, but who the hell is Ruby to date our sister?"
"I don't think they're dating yet."
"What, seriously?"
"Mmhmm."
"Wow. Not like Pinkie to show restraint when it comes to what she wants. You think she's serious about this?"
"Maybe. After her previous... daliances--"
"What, like that time she was seven and proclaimed her love for the theme park mascot?"
"--I would not be surprised if she was unwilling to risk alienating the object of her affections."
"Mhm."
"...Hell, now I don't know what to do. I mean, I want her happy, but I'm so used to seeing her as my baby sister--"
"HRMPH!"
"Oh come on, Marble, you were always more mature then she was."
"That is... a little harsh, Limestone."
"Yeah, but it's true. Whatever. Look my point is, I want to vet this Ruby chick. Personally. Dunno when I'm going to get a break from work, but I'll be in town soon as I can. What do mom and dad think?"
"...mmmmmm...."
"What do you mean they don't know?!"
"I'm actually not surprised. They are a loving set of parents, but they can be very traditional. Pinkie moved in with me to get away from them, do you think she would appreciate it if any of us told them about her love life without her permission?"
"...fuck, you're right. Man, was it only a few years ago we were all under one roof?"
"Mmm."
"Well... whatever. Look, when I get to town, we'll vet this Ruby chick, then we'll decide how we're going to help Pinkie and whether to tell mom and dad."
"Hmm."
"Very well. Ah, Pinkie's driving in now. Marble, get rid of that picture so we can have a normal sister chat."
"Mm!"
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Pinkie Pie was in a new headspace, and she didn't like it. Most of the time her brain was like a cauldron bubbling over, and all her thoughts and actions shot to the top and spilled everywhere. She liked that; Pinkie lived a life of passion and never looked back. Now that she had a crush, things were different. She needed a lid on that cauldron to keep anything from spilling out and burning Ruby, so it all just turned around and around without leaving.
Every time she thought about Ruby, she'd get stuck on that gleam she had in her eyes when she fought. And then her brain would supply her with every single antic she'd even indulged in and she'd wonder what Ruby would think was funny and what would bother her. Then Pinkie would get all nervous want to back off, but then she'd remember the way holding Ruby felt and begin to feel all gooey inside, which reminded her of the feelings she'd had for Whinney the Pooh and why she'd couldn't go back to Whinneyland. So, of course, she'd want to take a step back from Ruby because Ruby was pretty and passionate and smiled at everything like it was the sun and wouldn't be just amazing if she called Pinkie 'Sweetie Pie' and maybe twirled some of Pinkie's hair around her finger—
Pinkie stopped, lifted a large bucket of water, and dumped it on herself before continuing on.
She was heading to the church, she'd waited two days already and she was going to die if she didn't do something. Pinkie wasn't sure if she wanted to ask Ruby out on a date (She wasn't even sure if Ruby was into girls) but maybe she could find a reason to hang around the church? That wasn't super weird. She could volunteer at somethings that Ruby was doing, and maybe they could get a casual, friendly lunch and go to a friendly movie and maybe one day casually marry each-other without Ruby noticing?
Pinkie groaned, wishing she understood how people kept their feelings to themselves. Okay, be cool Pinkie. We just need to go to the church, see if there's anything I can volunteer at, speak a complete sentence to Ruby's face without tripping over myself, and go home. I can be me, I just can't be the me that can't talk or think in a straight line for the next fifteen minutes. Be normal. Nooooooormal.
Pinkie turned the corner and saw the park next to Ruby's church torn up almost half as bad as the church itself had been. Near the front she saw her ~~best mom~~ older sister Maud chewing out a giant monster she knew from experience was her ~~jerk~~ next older sister while her ~~wise sage~~ little sister awkwardly sat with ~~the reason this planet bothered to get up in the morning~~ Ruby Rose.
Pinkie closed her eyes. Being the Element of Laughter means this is supposed to happen to other people.
Being the 'never say die' sort of person, Pinkie attempted to casually stroll up to the group. Naturally, she couldn't remember what a casual stroll looked like when she was trying to think of it, so she ended up with this awkward march that no one noticed as she got closer.
"...And I don't need your fucking help!" Limestone declared.
Pinkie tried not to frown at her sister's distorted form, but it was hard. Her veins were huge and wrapped around muscles that almost didn't fit under her skin, she had huge fangs and sat hunched over like some kind of gargoyle. "Hey Limestone, what's going on?"
Limestone's expression didn’t change, but her voice went up an octave. "Maud, please help."
"Territorial dispute," Maud supplied.
"It’s was just a territorial dispute Pinkie, chill the frick out."
Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "What does that mean?"
Limestone swallowed, which was hard to do with all those teeth. "Maud, that didn't help."
"I'm not keeping secrets from Pinkie," Maud said flatly. "She terrifies me."
Pinkie wasn't going to get anything out of them, and she couldn't hold eye contact with Ruby very well, so she turned towards Marble and narrowed her eyes.
Marble glanced at Ruby and Limestone and shuffled away.
Pinkie gasped. "Limestone, how could you?"
"How could she what ?" Sunny Dragon demanded. "What do you people want?"
"It's okay Pinkie," Ruby sadly said. "I know."
Pinkie's heart froze.
"Limestone was yelling at me about what happened at the church," Ruby continued. "So it was something that happened that night.
The rest of Pinkie's body froze.
"I mean, it's pretty obvious," Ruby prattled on. "You're mad at me because I beat you at a food fight, even though you're the Spirit of Laughter."
Pinkie's very soul froze, though the sudden shift from terror to befuddlement felt odd. Behind Ruby, Sunny was watching Pinkie's face and nudging Maud. She jerked her head towards Pinkie and Ruby and waggled her eyebrows.
Maud nodded.
Pinkie was wondering if she could trade her element in for something less dramatic. Generosity, maybe. "I— No, there's—"
Marble stepped forwards. "Mhm," she said, resting a comforting hand on Pinkie's shoulder.
"Marble makes a good point," Maud said. "I can explain everything to Ruby and her sister, you two should go talk about this."
They were barely out of earshot when Pinkie lay into Limestone. "What were you thinking ?"
"I was just trying to help!"
"How could this possibly be helpful? How'd you even know? How obvious is it? Who else knows?" Pinkie's tone, which had started out angry, slowly flowed towards panic as more and more worries set in.
Marble reached out and squeezed her hand. "Mhm."
"Marble only told us, and we haven't told anyone," Limestone said. "I don't think Mom and Dad saw the video— and I don't think Ruby knows anything."
"Okay, but what if they figure it out now? What if Maud doesn't explain it well enough?"
"It's Maud, Pinkie. Chill the— frick out." Limestone sighed. Her magic was beginning to wear off and her form was shrinking. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I might have come on a bit strong..."
Marble didn't even say anything, she just put a hand on her hips and looked at her.
"...And, and, " she continued, "I'll be more careful in the future. Okay? I'm just trying to look out for you."
"I don't need to be looked out for, Limestone? Why can't you trust me?"
"Whinnyland."
Pinkie stamped her foot. "That was one time. "
"You got a restraining order from something that wasn't real ."
Pinkie sputtered. "Yeah— but come on! Plenty of people have those now, tons of weird stuff has come to life."
"You did it before that was normal," Limestone pointed out.
"Mh-hm," Marble agreed.
"Oh don't you start," Pinkie said, "You weren't even with us that time. And I'm not a kid anymore, okay? I'm the Spirit of Laughter! I can handle a crush."
"I'm not saying— Grah!" Limestone threw up her hands. "Look, I love you, okay? You're my baby sister."
Marble glared.
"My most baby-like sister."
"That's not better," Pinkie Pie pointed out.
"You know what I mean! I just... she's got this whole church thing and she's some kind of hunter and... And I wanted to make sure she was good for you. That's all."
"Hm," Marble added, hugging Pinkie. "Mmm."
Pinkie sighed. "Okay. I'm sorry I shouted. Can you promise that you won't assault anyone I fall in love with," she hesitated, "Unless I expressly ask you too?"
"That's fair."
"Hm," Marble added fiercely.
Pinkie smiled at her sisters. "Thanks, girls."
They stood quietly for a moment, basking in the sisterly love.
Limestone spoke up. "You're stalling because you're scared to talk to Ruby."
"Ohmygosh yes what if she doesn't talk to me ever again?"
"It wasn't your fault," Limestone said. "Why wouldn't she talk to you?"
"I don't know and I'm freaking out. "
"Hmm!" Marble pulled Pinkie into another hug. "Hm. Hmm ."
Pinkie relaxed as Marble stroked her hair. "Sorry, I just— I really want this to work out."
Limestone frowned. "Don't take this the wrong way, but why do you care this much about her?"
"Because she kicked my ass," Pinkie said dreamily.
Marble didn't stop hugging Pinkie, but she looked confused. Limestone blinked. "Is that a thing for you? Because that's okay, but—"
"Nonononono ," Pinkie frantically explained. "No, it's— Look. You know how I'm the Spirit of Laughter?"
Limestone crossed her arms. "No, I've never even heard of any of your friends."
"Shut up. It lets me do anything I want so long as it’s funny . So to make it work, I need a really, really good understanding of what funny is. Like," Pinkie closed her eyes and concentrated, "like, I can't just pull out a hammer and hit you in the face. I need you to be cocky, or a funny thing to say, and then I can pull it out. And no matter how good you are at fighting, when I swing it will smack you in the face because that's slapstick, but I have to believe it'll work, because if I don't believe enough I can't set it off, but if I get to cocky then I’ll get hit in the face back because comedy goes both ways and—" She huffed. "This is so frustrating!"
Limestone shifted uncomfortably. "I think I get it..."
"No, my point is Ruby does get it. That's why she beat me. She kept turning my jokes around on me, or dodging the punchline... She even had this whole speech about how Laughter wasn't just about Comedy as much as Entertainment, and then she played some anime song and turned this soda machine into a big bomb and threw it at my head and..." Pinkie sighed and realized at some point she'd begun to swoon and stood up straight. Marble let her go but held onto Pinkie's hand. "She understands me, Limestone. Do you know how many people actually understand me?"
Limestone didn't meet Pinkie's eyes. "Wow. That's... really sappy and stuff. But in a good way, like," she waved her hands in a way that greatly resembled her sister. "You know?"
Pinkie snorted. "Yeah. I know." She sighed. "Do you think Maud's come up with anything?"
Limestone shrugged. "Give her a few more minutes. Her sister seems pretty cool, I think she'll help."
Marble raised an eyebrow. "Hm?"
"She's not that cool, it was a lucky supplex," Limestone insisted. "A cool but lucky supplex . Point is I'm sure she'll roll with it."
"Good." Pinkie sighed. "I know we don't see each other as often as we used to, but I'm glad you've got my back."
“Always.”
Author's Note
I'm the Spirit of Laughter! I can handle a crush.
To anyone who hasn't yet read the sequel ...
You cannot comprehend how ironic that sentence is. I don't care what you have in your head, the real story will be better.
Also, wow I missed a lot proofreading this.