“What is the meaning of this?”
Tirek turned his attention to Grogar. The evil goat was holding a gray striped kitten by the scruff of its neck. “It’s a cat. I don’t think they have any meaning, per say. Unless you’re using the cat as a metaphor for life itself, in which case the meaning of life is way above my pay grade, boss.”
Grogar growled and slammed the door behind him.
“What is the meaning of this?”
Surprised, Chrysalis dropped the log that used to be an evil clone of Twilight Sparkle. “Oh, you brought me a snack! I should be able to extract some love from this wretched little furball before leaving it a drained husk.” She licked her lips.
“I’ll keep that option on the table.” He closed the door to Chrysalis’ room.
Obviously, he knew who was responsible for bringing the adorable sack of fluff into his lair. Only one of his lackeys would do something this unspeakable. Tirek’s reaction indicated he knew about it. He’d deal with that liar later. Chrysalis, well, it was hard to tell with her these days. The changeling queen was off her rocker. Maybe she knew, maybe she didn’t.
“What is this?”
Cozy looked up from the book she was reading. “A kitten.”
“What is it doing here?”
“Kinda dangling at the moment.”
“Why is there a kitten dangling here?”
“Probably because you’re holding it?”
Grogar massaged his snout with a hoof. “What is this kitten doing in my lair?”
“Where else would I keep Snuffles?”
“The cat is named Snuffles?”
“Yes.”
“Why is the cat named Snuffles?” The words came out of his mouth before he remembered he didn’t actually care what the cat was named.
“Because she has acute rhinitis.”
“I don’t care how cute her rhinitis is. Get this feline out of my lair!”
Cozy Glow pouted. “Golly, gee, Mr. Grogar, sir. Why?”
“I grow weary of your cutesy act. Catch.” He threw Snuffles towards the pegasus filly. Jumping into the air, Cozy Glow raced to catch her, managing to do so just in the nick of time.
“Hey! Snuffles could’ve been hurt!” Cozy Glow rubbed noses with the kitty, letting the feline’s whiskers tickle her snout.
“I. Don’t. Care!”
Cozy Glow hovered in the air and glared at Grogar. “Well, I care, mister. Snuffles is the only family I’ve got.” She shifted the kitten to her left foreleg, draping her over her withers, then poked Grogar’s chest with her right hoof. “Now kiss and make up.”
“I refuse to kiss your pussycat.” Cozy shoved Snuffles into Grogar’s face, causing the goat to start hacking. “I’m…” He started coughing so violently he couldn’t finish his sentence.
“Golly, you sure are coughing a lot, Mr. Grogar. I’ll go get you some water. Watch Snuffles for me!” Cozy fluttered out of the room as Grogar’s allergies threatened to suffocate him. Snuffles rubbed herself against Grogar’s legs as he was paralyzed with hacking coughs. He tried to kick her away between coughs, but only ended up losing his balance and crashing to the ground.
Cozy returned with water to find Grogar collapsed on the floor. “Oh, golly, Grogar. Are you okay? Did you break a leg? Is it osteoporosis? I know you’re really, really, really, really times infinity old, so you need to be more careful! Don’t you worry! Nurse Cozy Glow is here to take good care of you! Snuffles! Give him a CAT scan right now!”
Snuffles walked around him and nodded her head. Cozy beamed. “Good news, Mr. Grogar, sir! Snuffles says you’re okay! Look how helpful she is! You see, Grogar, Snuffles will make a great addition to our team! She’ll boost morale amongst the troops, she’ll help heal our injuries, and she’s so cute and adorable! Who’s a pretty itty bitty kitty? You are! Yes, you are! And pretty kitties deserve a snack when they help cure Grogar’s osteoporosis!”
Grogar continued laying on the floor barely breathing until Cozy Glow grabbed Snuffles between her forelegs and the two of them left the room. He grumbled as he got to his hooves. The little brat had no concept of time whatsoever. And if she kept going, she wasn’t going to live long enough to ever be considered old. Yes, perhaps letting Chrysalis eat the cat might be the best course of action after all… Let Snuffles serve as an appetizer for the main course of a certain annoying pegasus filly.
“All in favor of keeping the feline, say ‘aye’.” Cozy Glow and a reluctant Tirek answered affirmatively. “All those in favor of letting Chrysalis eat it, say ‘no’.” Chrysalis and Grogar enthusiastically chorused ‘no’. “We seem to be at an impasse. In that case, my vote shall serve as the tiebreaker.”
“Wait!” Cozy clung to her soft and fluffy kitten. “Snuffles hasn’t voted yet! You want to stay here, right?” Cozy nodded the cat’s head for her. “See! Tie broken and Snuffles gets to stay here with us forever and ever!”
“She’s got a point, boss. Otherwise your vote counts for more than the rest of ours.”
“This isn’t a democracy!” Grogar threw his hooves up in frustration. Behind him, Cozy Glow mimicked his actions to the amusement of Tirek and Chrysalis. He glared behind him, but could never quite catch her in the act. Defeated, Grogar sighed. “Fine. Keep the cat. But you’re going to clean up after it. Feed it, change the litter, etc. And the cat is to be confined to your chambers. Under no circumstances should this feline be allowed to roam throughout the lair. Do I make myself clear?”
“Oh thank you, Grogar!” Cozy Glow wrapped her forelegs around him, embracing him. “You won’t even know she’s here!”
“…Furthermore, this plan requires intense attention to detail. In order to evade the…” Grogar stopped pacing and looked down. Tirek snickered, while Cozy Glow and Chrysalis burst out laughing. He had just stepped in the cat’s litter box. Again.
Not that he’d ever admit it to that wretched little pegasus, but maybe she had a point that he wasn’t getting any younger. This was already the third time he’d woken up to use the restroom and it wasn’t even 3:00 AM yet. He stumbled in the dark, bracing a forehoof against the wall to help find the way to the bathroom. It was then that the wretched kitten pounced on his other foreleg. He lost his balance and crashed to the floor, quickly drawing the attention of his minions.
“Oh, golly, Grogar. We’ve got to get more milk in your diet if your osteoporosis is this bad.”
Hack. Hack. Hack. Hack. Hack. Snuffles was hacking out yet another hairball at two in the morning. Not that he could sleep anyway. The allergy potion he’d sent Chrysalis out to get was proving to be insufficient. The cat wasn’t the only one hacking at the moment. He glanced at the glass of milk on his nightstand. Cozy Glow had insisted on it – and of course it had cat hair in it. At this point there was cat hair in or on everything in his lair.
Cozy Glow spent the next morning scrubbing the floor of the lair to remove the hairballs while Tirek watched her work.
“I’m surprised you like cats.”
Cozy Glow looked at Tirek, quizzically. “Why wouldn’t I like cats? They’re adorable!”
“I figured you’d hate the competition.”
Cozy waved a hoof, dismissively. “Nah, they’re the perfect accessory!”
“Wouldn’t a puppy be better?”
“Never. Dogs slobber and drink out of toilets and do naughty things to pony legs. A puppy will be loyal to whoever feeds it last. Cats will pick and choose who they like. Snuffles is a smart little kitty! She’ll choose one of us to be her special pony! Or special centaur or changeling as the case may be. Though probably not Chryssie…” She giggled. “We all know it’s going to be me she picks. I’m so cute and cuddly, just like she is!”
Grogar sighed. He could hear Cozy Glow searching the main chamber for Snuffles. Soon she started sniffling, then outright bawling, fearing the worst. As it turned out, the cat had decided she very much didn’t like Cozy Glow. The filly being much too rambunctious for the cat’s tastes. Truly, one needed the patience of a saint to deal with the enthusiastic pegasus. There were no saints currently in his employ; nor did he expect that to ever change. Defeated, the precocious pink filly returned to her own room to cry herself to sleep. He took some consolation from that – the tears of the ~~innocent~~ young were music to his ears.
But that was the only consolation he would take. For the third night in a row he wasn’t going to get a wink of sleep. His nasal passages were heavily congested and it felt like his head was caught in a vice. He snuffled, trying to clear his head long enough to breathe. Snuffles shifted her position as he contorted underneath her. With a yawn, she stretched a paw out and then curled it back underneath herself, making herself as comfortable as she could as she slept on his chest, nuzzling her head against his face. Snuffles had indeed chosen her special pony, or as the case turned out, ram. He ruefully concluded that the feline was truly the vilest of the villains in his lair, himself included. The only thing he hated worse than cats was the fact he couldn’t hate Snuffles. No, that would be too easy. Instead the accursed feline had thawed even his own frozen heart. He scratched her behind the ear and she purred. “Love you too, Snuffles.”
Snuffles would probably be the end of him. Blasted to smithereens by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna was a death he could be proud of. Defeated by Twilight Sparkle and her friends would be a bitter pill to swallow. Backstabbed by his minions at the zenith of his victory? He was expecting it. Hoping for it, really, since it would give him an excuse to dispatch them all once and for all. But to succumb in his sleep due to allergies before his plans were even set into motion? Could a more pathetic end be found?
With minions like these, who needs heroes?
