Don't Let Go

by Gallop Free

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Soarin, Rainbow Dash, Romance, Suicide / Self Harm, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 3923

Under the disguise as a boy named Rainbow Blaze, she is supposed to take back all that belonged to Chrysalis once.

Whenever I see a happy couple coddling their children, I always wonder if Chrysalis is truly my mother. Mothers don't beat their children for mere existence or things they cannot control. Mothers do not look at their children with disgust and apprehension. Mothers do not force their daughters to become sons.

And yet, she does all of these things.

Published 2019-07-11 04:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-11 04:40:01 UTC

i. reunion

The night in Canterlot was cold and the suit that I had been instructed to wear covered up the worst of the bruising. Anything else I had plenty of excuse for.

Looking at my reflection in the window, the silhouette of tall, lanky boy walked past, unaffected. I flinched, and he did too.

Soon plenty of people commented that I was cold and not particularly friendly, but in my defense, it was just that any contact equaled the kind of pain that lingers long after contact.

"Rainbow Blaze!" A high girl's voice rang. "I haven't seen you in ages!" She hugged me, and I tried not to wince. Looking at her dark blue hair and green eyes, I tried to place where I might've met her before...she looked much too like Soarin...Soarin's sister? Carina Skies?

I scanned the crowd, and for a moment, seeing him numbed all the pain as he smiled and walked over.

"Soarin! This is Rainbow Blaze." The girl jumped from me to him and him to me. From the way he scrutinized me, I would guess that he was seeing to my suitability as his future brother in law.

"Nice to meet you." I smiled, careful to avoid the dimples. The rest of the evening we spent discussing sport, from riding, to shooting, to basketball. It was easy to simply throw one's head back and laugh, and I found myself doing it despite the pain it caused.

Soon, we spent all the free time we had together, sneaking drinks, galloping across the fields, or just sitting down with a chessboard and spending a day just staring at each piece, or just talking about everything and nothing in particular.

Every time I met one more of his friends, he would always wrap an arm around his shoulder and declare that I was his best bro. Those times tempted me into leaning against his shoulder, but I could do none of that sort. Instead, I brought up my fist to meet his.

We could only be friends.

"My sister likes you." He said once.

"I do not like her." I replied.

"Don't hurt her." The glare that he offered was enough to make most recoil.

"I will not, but pretending to love her will hurt more. I will not offer a single hint that I might even have the slightest crush on her." I promised.

He seemed to contemplate my words. "Very well. You and I seem to be the same person in different bodies."

Maybe I fell into a trap of liking him too quickly and too much, but despite the occasional display of arrogance and his rebellious nature, I found respect and care with him. It was too much to ask for from my mother.

One of those days, somewhere around my seventeenth birthday, we were all drunk. Carina was somewhere else, puking out her guts while I tried not to get overly drunk, especially when it reminded me more of the binding on my chest. I was still worried that if I got too drunk, I might reveal something or anything that would probably warrant some more punishment.

"Damn." Soarin muttered. "Why is it that you are a boy? You would be prettier than any other had you been a girl." He laughed. "Wave Chill told me yesterday that he was scared of seeing you because now he does not know whether to be straight or gay."

"He could be both." I scoffed. But I was elated at the prospect. I was pretty? I never really noticed, not when the lie that my appearance is has become painful to look at.

I felt his arm around my shoulders as he started muttering. "Every birthday, we can spend together."

Yes. I'd like that.

The next day it felt as if nothing had happened. It was back to the same cycle of beatings and punishments amongst school, but something had changed for me.

I had a day to look forward to.

ii. 18

The Skies family wanted me to marry Carina. For once, I agreed with mother about refusal.

Father was willing to oppose the entire Skies family for my sake, and nothing changed that much, except my college acceptances. Soon, I realized it was easier to run than I thought.

I phoned Soarin the first chance I had. "I'm leaving...Equestria?" Somehow, all it took was his silence to make me hesitate.

"Don't. There are better oppportunities here." He said. "Go to college with me. Here in Canterlot."

"We don't take the same courses." I deadpanned.

"Then go to a different one in Canterlot." I could practically see him shrug. "Who else knows me well? Who else do I have?"

In the end, that one sentence pushed me to accept the offer presented to me by the Canterlot College of Scholars.

It turns out Carina was rejected by said college. Instead of comforting her, Soarin slapped me on the back. "You made the right choice."

I wouldn't know.

Still, Carina persisted. It would greatly benefit our family if I married Carina, but of course, mother wouldn't let me.

"Rainbow Blaze is still a child." She smiled sweetly. "He's not ready, and we should respect his wishes. His happiness is paramount."

Ha.

What exactly about my happiness had she ever considered?

Carina's father was not happy. "Remember, Rainbow Blaze, your families fate rests on this decision." He leaned back, considering the effect his words had on me. "I could put all of you out of business in a year, and unless you do marry Carina and ensure her happiness, I am bent on making it happen."

"Then let that be. I am not part of this family anyways." I said coldly. "Can't you see who exactly I am? If they had a daughter they wouldn't have cared the slightest about me. My mother has not been able to push a divorce and neither have I. Hell, I wasn't even a part of this until last year. Engagement? Unless one of you desires a ruined reputation tainted with mine, I suggest you stay away." I couldn't look at anyone except Soarin.

His eyes were full of a strange sympathy that I hadn't seen before. Carina, upon hearing the declaration, broke down and ran, Her father called for someone to watch her.

"That is all I have left. But if you really do want me to marry her, point a gun at my head. I'm a person who would claw my way back to life no matter how long it takes. Gentlemen, m'lady, don't look so disappointed." I walked out of the room, relishing the anger on my mother's face that seemed to consume her. It was great watching her attempt to hide it.

I saw Soarin's shadow following me. "Are you alright?" He asked.

"Soarin," I said. "If I were not the child of Rainbow Strike, if were just a normal boy with no money to pay for all those extravagant outings, would you still stay my friend?"

"You know for a fact that my answer will always be yes." He reached out to brush a tear I didn't notice. "I'm sorry. I couldn't stop them, and I was too stupid to realize what they were trying to do." He apologized. "Don't cry."

"It's not your fault." I shrugged.

It was a thousand times worse to be beaten by Chrysalis.

iii. operation

Author's Note

Gore. Skip if you'd like.

iii. operation

"So it was Soarin? The boy in your diary?"

I woke up, a throbbing, chilling pain in my abdomen.

"Speak!"

I stayed silent, staring at her.

"If it is him, however, you will not marry him. You will never." I looked down.

"What have you done?" I yelled.

"Hysterectomy." She giggled.

"How could you?" I lunged at her, but I was far too weak and she held me down easily.

"Remember, you are not a woman, and you never will be." She glared. I returned the look, but part of me crumbled upon knowing what exactly she did. "I will send you to the College of Scholars, but you will not stay in the dorms."

I shrugged. "Get off me."

For a second, she looked defeated, but the rage returned and I felt a hard slap across the face. "Damage me, explain to father." I smiled.

"He does not care." She smiled coldly, satisfied. "Otherwise, why would he wait until you were sixteen?"

"He does. I am all he has left. His sole benefactor."

She wilted. "No."

But her actions, as usual, spoke truth, moreso than her words.

"And I am glad you did that, mother." I say. "I wouldn't want to wake up from nightmares of abusing my own child as you did. I wouldn't want to be sent to the darkests regions of hell for unnecessary cruelty. I don't want to be another you." I smiled at the hint of hurt I saw in her eyes.

Recovery was a blur. Despite the years of being deprived food and nutrition, I was still surprisingly healthy. And tall too. The disguise worked partially because of my height. I towered over most.

It took more than my mother to break me, but all it took for Soarin was his engagement.

He was engaged to some socialite or some daughter of a wealthy family.

I was losing him and that scared me, not the incessant beatings that my mother offered or the comfort that was never there.

I took the blade of my razor, and I ran it against my wrist, once, twice, until the flesh turned out and the blood flowed. I leaned back and waited as i felt my vision blur.

vi. Reveal

This time, it was my turn to seek him.

It was not hard to find him. He was always too prominent in a group, a leader that everyone was willing to follow.

"Soarin." The one time I found him alone, I took the chance.

He didn't reply while getting up.

"Soarin!" I yelled, pulling him, not letting him leave.

"Let go."

"No."

"Do you feel like visiting the police station?"

"Well how's this for a change?" I held out a small blade. At the sight of it, he flinched. In one swift move, he grabbed it from me and tore it away. "What, do you think you've outsmarted me?" I smiled.

"And?"

"Do you have any idea, any, how much I liked you?" I began. "And the price I've paid for my mother's lies. The binding is too tight and in the summer I use every ointment that turns my winters into nightmares. My hands and feet are always cold and I cannot sleep at all."

"I don't feel like being tricked all over again." He replied gruffly.

"I'd rather start with the truth."

"I've had enough of your lies."

"Soarin." I pleaded. But did he listen? No.

The coldness that was a Canterlot winter was nothing compared to the coldness he showed me. In despair, I fell, and I did not see a reason to get up.

At least I still had a home. I was not dead, and then I heard words that would've haunted me if I had been younger.

"Dear! Strike! Look at this!" I heard muffled sobs. Auntie's? That was what I called father's wife.

"What was that woman thinking!" I heard him roar over her sobs.

"Calm down." She said softly. "It's not something she should be considered with. This is not her fault!"

She. I felt a new type of horror as I realized the kind of constriction the binding provided was gone.

"Rainbow Blaze?" She stepped in. "Do you prefer a more feminine name?"

"Dash." I said.

"Rainbow Dash." She smiled.

"Auntie, I can explain." I said quickly.

"It's perfectly fine." She smiled. "In fact, now I won't have to worry about teaching you how to date. That's good. And a girl should probably have a little more pocket money for clothes and the like. Let me know if you need anything."

Here was a woman who treated the daughter of someone who betrayed her better than said person who was the mother. I could feel tears running down my face.

Firefly, my father's wife, was not the type of striking beauty that Chrysalis had formed herself to be. She had a sweet and mellow complexion that was calming and much easier to look at than the dramatic impressions Chrysalis made.

"What about father?" I croaked.

"He's at the registry. Trying to explain the confusion." She smiled. "Don't worry. He loves you more than his own life. He's just mad that your mother tricked him so and now he has to accompany both of us during clothes shopping."

I was still shivering.

"Don't worry. Everything that Rainbow Blaze would've got Rainbow Dash will get."She hugged me tight. "You're still the same person."

The next day, my father announced that he had made a mistake and had me masquerade as a son.

He mentioned Chrysalis exactly zero times. Even the name caused him to recoil in disgust.

I read the confession on the newspaper exactly fourteen times that morning and twenty times in the afternoon.

"I don't usually regret decisions, but this is one that I will always regret. I presented my daughter Rainbow Dash as a son Rainbow Blaze. My pride had costed my daughter her happiness and I have only just realized the error of my ways. In the last few nights I have been near sleepless as I reflected on my own mortality and I realized that I cannot do this to Dash in her finite years. I am old and greying and no matter what happens, I stand by so that my daughter will have a better life."

I cried.

Was this love?

Mother called me many times, but after the rage induced shouting that ensued from answering once, I never bothered answering a call from her number.

Prologue

Once upon a time, I believed that Chrysalis could love me as the mother in stories loves her children. I think that little sentiment wore off quite quickly.

I was not Rainbow Dash as I had been named by the hospital staff, full of pity after watching her ignoring my presence no matter how much I cried. I was Rainbow Blaze and the weapon she needed to get back at my father.

From my earliest memory, I was not allowed to simply be a girl. I wasn't allowed to wear dresses that I wouldn't and simply being curious warranted a beating. Showing any emotion also ended up with the same fate, because she was afraid that a smile and the dimples that ensued would give away my identity.

It was never "I love you." It was only "You!"

Once I did try to run away, but the beating I received after being caught was nothing compared to the kind of watch she would put me under. The shutters locked, the doors bolted in high places that I could not possibly reach, and I was locked in a room with neither food nor drink. On the second day, I decided that it was good to die, and resigned myself to said fate until she came in. I had no strength to resist nor the will as she poured medicine down my throat or fed me spoons of porridge.

The worst beating was when she found out I liked a boy. For three years, I kept a diary, writing in the dead of night, pouring whatever feeling I still had left onto the pages.

One day, I'll walk down the aisle, with or without father, and I would see Soarin standing at the altar, waiting for me. I would no longer wear clothes that hide who I am, and my hair would flow past my ears. I wouldn't have to look like a boy after all that was done.

But those were only dreams.

The moment she found out, she tore into the diary and scattered the pages across the room. I would have to clean them after it. Then she tore into me, demanding the name.

I laughed as she berated me for not knowing what was good for me, for it was her motives all along and I was only a defenseless child with nowhere else to go.

My silence infuriated her more, and then she started taking her anger out on me. Every blow she struck landed on the part of me determined to keep my secret.

I never wrote Soarin's name into the diary again. I did, however, carve it onto my heart. Something to keep me from falling and never rising again.

That very next day, my father sent word for me to return to Canterlot. And then I remembered - that would have been my sixteenth birthday.

iv. Carina

In my next life, I wanted a mother who would cherish me, and who I could cherish in return.

"Rainbow Blaze," Carina sobbed. "I shouldn't have done that!"

I was not dead?

"I'm so sorry." She sniffed. "Father can be mean sometimes. He didn't intend to hurt you though."

Through her words, I learned that mother had told her that I had been punished, embellished with details that I laughed at. Carina stared at me strange but she did not question it. Maybe we were all used to it.

She fumbled with the dressing and tape.

The doctor who treated me had been bribed by mother with offers of love and had quickly trapped himself in her web of lies. I asked for Carina to keep it silent.

"I will." She hugged me. "I'm so sorry, Blaze, I never wanted to hurt you. I won't hurt you again, ever."

"It's fine." And I meant it.

It turns out, she put the wrong kind of trust in her brother.

"Rainbow." I had actively avoided him for quite some time, and successfully so, but this was new. Showing up at my residence to find me?

"Yes?"

"Why is it that you are so incredibly busy this summer?"

"Family stuff, my birth, all sorts of things, annoying..." I rattled out an incoherent list. He narrowed his eyes.

"So it would seem. But what takes so much of your time?"

"I already told you."

"You lied. Why did you try to kill yourself?" He asked. "Was it because of father trying to force you to marry Carina?"

"No." And then I took a leap of faith. "Because I liked you." I laugh. "And you're engaged, so I'm not going to be happy, so I decided to kill myself." I couldn't stop laughing.

He stared at me in shock, and without a word, he turned and left.

That summer, he never called me again.

v. confession

As soon as school started, I poured my heart and soul onto reading, writing, and homework. If I could get what mother wanted quicker, I would be free.

I was given a rented room outside of campus. She was still scared that I might reveal who I actually was in a dorm. The attendant she hired was most likely a spy, but I couldn't care less. There was no Soarin to take me for riding sessions or to talk with over a few cups of cider. There were only books and papers to be handed in.

But it was all too peaceful, wasn't it?

Returning from school, I ran into Soarin. I intended to ignore him until he decided that he wasn't going to ignore me as I'd expected. Instead, he simply pulled me from the crowd.

"What are you doing exactly?" I asked as he dragged me towards a less walked street.

"Your confession." He said. "I'd like to return it. I like you, Rainbow Blaze."

I pulled back. "What exactly are you doing? That was a joke!"

"I am not joking."

"And I am not joking when I say you have very good reason to not like me."

"What?" He laughed. "I don't care."

"I'm...I'm...not who you think I am!" I blurted out.

"What are you doing? So you think that you can meddle around with my life and get away?"

"Remember what you said?"

"When?"

"That I would be pretty if I were a girl?" I asked.

"Did I? But you would be."

"That's who I am."

I watched the horrid, sickening kind of realization dawn on him a second time.

"You." He glared at me, the hand on my shoulder turning vice-like. "Tricked. Me!"

"I couldn't be a girl even though I wanted to." Those memories flooded back, and I felt the tears return. "My mother..."

But he was already gone by then.

vii. return

Everyone saw the confession.

The school newspaper was frequently littered with jokes about the questionable overall sexuality of the school's residents.

I'd read humorously written complaints about how the guys could not get the girls with Rainbow Blaze's existence and now the girls went gay for Rainbow Dash...It was funny that all they were concerned about was so simple and oddly sad for me.

What about Soarin?

Did he find a boy that he liked?

How much exactly did my lies hurt?

That summer my hair went uncut. The tips touched my shoulders and I finally wore a dress for the first time. The sensation of wearing a dress was not pleasant, but I felt elation as I was allowed to experiment as a girl could be, without being scared of the beating that would sure follow had I expressed a desire to try previously.

I still went home and did not stay in the dorms.

"So what would you like?" Firefly asked. "A nicer room? I could have them repainted in a more favorable color, or I could take you shopping!" She clasped her hands in glee.

"That sounds nice." Even if it weren't proper, I wanted to feel loved, to be indulged in.

"Of course! What color would you like?" She smiled.

"We can think on it first." I replied.

"And I could teach you how to do your makeup, and how to match things, and probably painting and baking. I heard that you weren't allowed to?"

I nodded. "That sounds wonderful though, mom." For a second, I felt as if she were actually my mom, and not the woman I was forced to call mother.

Tears sprung up in her eyes. "Oh, Rainbow Dash," she hugged me tight. "Strike! She called me mom!"

I smiled.

This was love? I would suppose so, and I hoped for all the wonderful descriptions of love as a beautiful thing, that it lived up.

Instead of berating me, she was always encouraging. She would teach and I would listen, simply because I wanted to.

"Rainbow, if you want anything, tell me. I'd love for you to try and develop a sense of self. It's healthy that way." She would hold my hands in hers and smile. "Me and your dad will always be here for you. Try new things and it doesn't matter whether you succeed or fail, because we'll always be here to encourage you and help you."

Those were the best words that I've ever heard. There was only one thing missing from my life now.

Soarin.

How long would it be before I could stop loving him? I already knew the answer.

If I would not be able to spend the rest of my life with him, I would not with any other.