Ham Radio Rarity

by TheKMExperience

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Anon, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Second Person, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Human
Length: 2837

Who's the true ham here....?

Thanks to you, all the residents in Ponyville come together to listen to live dramas through mystical machines known as the 'radio', created by Doctor Whooves, on a weekly basis.

You are Anon.

And you sense things are gonna be a massive clusterbuck with the marshmallow pony in charge...

Published 2019-07-02 00:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-02 00:40:02 UTC

Ham Radio Rarity

"Anon, over here!" you hear, strolling through town.

You turn to see Twi, Spike and the girls chilling at a table outside a cafe. There, you see a giddy Rarity failing to hide her excitement as she waves you over.

"Anonymous, you've made it, fabulous!" she squees. "I've called you all here for I have just taken on a VERY exciting task."

"What's all this about, Rare?"

"So, a certain mare just got a shot at producing a live play of a certain genre on a certain-"

"Your vagueness is making my brain cry." you groan dropping your head on the table.

"Oops, sorry I'm just so excited!"

"What is it?"

"Long story short: thanks to you, Whooves made some whatchamacallit where ponies can listen to silly stories once in a while." AJ whispers.

"Yeah, some kinda 'ray-dee-oh' thingy." Pinkie Pie adds.

"I already have it worked out." the unicorn continues. "The doctor has granted me 30 minutes and I will use that time to stage the first mystery play that machine's ever had!"

"What's it called?"

"I call it.....'BOOTS MOTEL'!!!" she says extravagantly. "And I couldn't possibly imagine making it without my friends."

"Behind you 100%, Rarity." Twilight says warmly.

"Sure. I always love a good mystery." Starlight shrugs.

"I second that." you say.

"Anything for YOU, Rarity." Spike says dreamily.

"With ya ALL the way!" Rainbow exclaims. "Let's. DO this!"

Pinkie's dreaded party cannon goes off, which translates to 'Buck yeah, let's bucking go!'.

"Yay." Flutters squeaks.

All of you reach in, hooves, hand and claw in the middle. Through the amazing power of teamwork, you all break, sealing the bond of FRIENDSHIP.

Later, at the Carousel Boutique...

"And WHAT is this 'play' called, again?"

"Boots Motel, Sweetie Belle." Rarity states.

"Wait, let me guess, a bunch of ponies get stuck in a storm and everypony's wondering who's the first one axed off?"

"Exactly, and I'm going to direct it!"

"Oh, so we can stop wondering."

"What is it, you don't think your sister knows how to direct?" you ask.

"No, it's not that. The trouble is she doesn't know how to STOP directing. During my school's production of 'Shaladdin', she drove the entire cast crazy with her constant nitpicking."

"Oh, couldn't POSSIBLY blame me for that. Pip was just not Sombrar material. I found him too adorable to be threatening."

"Trust me, Anon. Later on, she'll be rewriting the script and playing the lead."

"I most certainly do NOT have any intention of performing in it myself. The only rewriting I've done is simply CUTTING to get it to 30 minutes."

The filly rolls her eyes and trots out the door.

"Hey, Rarity." Pinkie pops in. "I've looked through your script and I think I'd be PERFECT as 'Madam Cheesecake, the zany cakemonger'!"

"I just don't know about that, Pinkie." the unicorn winces. "I-It's just a bit TOO on the nose. Ooh, but I know who you could play: 'Windy Mills, kicked out of the windmill business due to......mysterious circumstances', hmm?"

"With Pinkie playing the part, they may not seem so mysterious." you quip.

"I'll TAKE it!" the bubbly pony cheers. "However, I made a GREAT speech for Cheesecake for the second act about her fillyhood. It goes like:

'Hopping with her silly fillies with their the cheese and cream, where the moonlight bathed the meadow like a delightful fondu...'"

[Dafuq is she talking about?]

"Actually, I had a LONG look at the script." the goofy pony snorts, leaving you two confused as ever.

"Alright. Places, everypony, plaaaaces!" Rarity chimes.

After everypony else arrived, the fashionista sits you all down in the living room, each and every one of you holding the script.

"I've asked Twilight to time us this evening. Whooves hasn't rounded up the sound effects yet, so I'm having Twilight use those directions as well. Everyone got it?"

"Got it!" you all nod.

"Alright, START the watch. Stage direction."

"'Sound of door opening'." Twilight reads.

"Detective," Starlight reads, mouth full of finger sandwiches. "Thank Celestia you've come-"

"Stop the watch." Rarity sighs. "Starlight, I have a line here that says, 'When she opened her lips, I caught a hint of some foreign accent.' You will notice it DOESN'T say, 'When she opened her lips, CUCUMBERS fell out.'"

Glimmy sheepishly swallows the delicacy. "Sorry. Let's go again." she chuckles.

"Okay, start the watch."

Rarity clears her throat. "'This is a grisly business, Miss Thorn'."

"'Sound of door closing.'" Twilight says.

"'I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer'." Star says in a clear, British accent.

"'My job is to suspect EVERYPONY. Please, introduce me to your guests'."

"'This is the silk merchant, Miss Wang.'"

Rainbow snickers.

"Stop the watch. What is it, Rainbow?"

"Wang?" she giggles. "You gotta give Fluttershy another name than that, I'll crack up every time I hear it!"

"Oh, alright. How 'bout Wing? Everyone change 'Wang' to 'Wing' in your scripts."

All of you scribble through your scripts.

"'Sound of everyone changing Wang to Wing'." Egghead mutters.

"Start the watch. 'Did you see anything suspicious, Miss Wing'?"

"Uh.......u-um-"

"'Oh, me no lookie. Me go beddy-bye chop chop!" Dashie blurts out loud, laughing hard.

"Woah, WOAH! Pump the race brakes, Dashie!" you say, trying not to laugh your ass off with the pegasus. "You can't say that."

"It's fine, it's fine. I'll adjust her dialogue later. Moving on......START."

"'I'm Windy Mills, detective'." Pinkie reads like a 1st grader. "'I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tra-geh-dee occurred'."

"'Did anypony see you'?"

"'Just one: Yates, the Germane butler'."

Rarity's eyes widen. "Sweet CELESTIA, I didn't cast anyone as Yates!" she squeals before quickly turning her attention to you.

Your heart sinks.

"Anon, quick, try a Germane accent!"

"U-Uh...'ja, I saw her'?"

"Stop the watch! This time, please, everyone, DIG in and try to find the reality. Now, from the top."

Soon....

"'And so, the case was closed. With a grateful shudder, I vowed I'd NEVER return to Boots Motel'!" Rarity ends dramatically. "Stop the watch. What's our time?"

"That's 32 minutes, 40 seconds." Twilight states.

"Darn, I'll have to trim some more before we try again."

"AGAIN?! We did this thing FOUR times!" Apple Jack groans, laying back in a mountain of pillows constructed by an already knocked out Pinkie.

A drowsy Rainbow suddenly stumbles out of her chair and falls fast asleep on the living room floor.

"Preach." Starlight yawns, collapsing as well.

"Sound of ponies snoring." Twily says, resting down.

"Zzzzzzzzzzz...."

"So, what do we do now, boss?" Spike asks eagerly.

"Not to worry, Spikey Wikey. I have a PLAN!"

"Yeah, right." you scoff. "We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night. Where are you gonna find a fool willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?"

The scheming mare slowly turns to you.

"'Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead'."

"Not helping, Twi!" you gulp.

The next day, at Whooves Labs...

"You sure you got this in the bag, Rarity?" you ask. "Hundreds of ponies are out there chilling with their little boxes in the town square."

"Don't you worry, Anon. It'll all go smoothly." the unicorn reassures. "Ooh, Whooves is gonna give us a demonstration of the sound effects. What have you got, doctor?"

"Right-o. This is my door sound, my thunder screen, balloons, this button plays various kinds of organ music." the stallion shows off. "I also have a gravel box, bells, a rain stick and a coffee thermos."

"What is that used for?"

"It keeps my coffee warm..."

[Kind of a dumb question...]

"Everything's planned out now. Twilight and Whooves will be operating behind the soundboard while we do our lines."

"G-Guys, s-something's wrong." Fluttershy hyperventilates in front of her microphone.

"What is it, Flutters?" you ask.

"The butterflies are back.....a-and not the good kind."

"Listen, that's all part of the thrill of a live performance." you say. "Butterflies in the stomach, sweaty hooves, scratchy throat, POUNDING heart. I suppose you have all of those."

"I-I do now..." she squeaks.

"Let's be AWESOME, let's be AWESOME!" Rainbow chants.

Eventually, Starlight enters the lab holding a bag of ice in her magic against her puffy cheek. "Forry I'm wate, Wawity." she mumbles.

"Star, what happened to you?" you wince.

"I just fpent two hours in the dentist's chair. An emergenfy- OW! I keep biting my vip!"

Suddenly, the sound of a crowd chatting about kicks Rarity into frantic mode. "Oh no, we've got 60 seconds. Places, everyone, plaaaaces!"

All of you scramble to your respective spots and hurriedly prep yourselves with your lines.

"W-Wait, Rarity I don't know my other roles, what should I-"
"No worries, Anon. I'll just cue you as we go along, now hurry!"

You hop onto your chair and position the mic as the drama queen gives her intro. "Good evening," she says in a dramatic tone. "This is Rarity welcoming you our recreation of the original Mystery Theater. May I present to you, 'BOOTS MOTEL'. Mwahahahaaaa!"

As the mare continues on, you back up a bit to glance out the window. There, you again see a few small groups of ponies scattered about, listening close to their radios in anticipation. Then, a blue aura pulls and plops you in your seat, where the fashionista stares daggers at you while transitioning into the first act.

"In all my years, I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night-"

Twilight shakes the thunder screen.

"-than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder at the old motel on the moors."

Whooves knocks on the prop door and slowly creaks it open.

"The door was answered by Miss Thorn. Her face was unfamiliar, and, when she opened her lips, I caught a hint of some foreign accent."

"Infect- owww." Starlight whines, rubbing her cheeks. "Fank Feleftia youf come."

You could practically TASTE the salt emanating from the stylish mare as she continues. "This is a grisly business, Miss Thorn."

"I campf bewiewe any of by guesps coulb be a mububle mububer."

"M-My job is to suspect everypony. Please introduce me to your......"

She pauses. "No, no, wait. Nevermind, I KNOW your guests by reputation. T-This must be Miss Wing, the silk merchant. Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing?"

Fluttershy stands there, motionless.

"Of course, the inscrutable and MUTE Miss Wing.........who, uh......wears a bell on her hat!"

Rarity quickly trots towards the soundboard. "Did you witness anything suspicious, Miss Wing?"

And jingles a small bell. "No, eh? I'll remember you said that."

Pinkie steps up to the mic and clears her throat. "I'm Windy Mills, inspector. I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tra-geh-dee occurred."

"Did anyone see you?"

"Several people, Yates, the Germane butler..."

Rarity points at you.

[Oh, crap!]

"J-Ja, I saw der lady." you grunt in a thick 'Germane' accent.

"Then there was Spade, the gardener...."

"U-Uhhh........AYE, it was himself, and no mistake!" you utter in a Irish accent.

"As well as Cream Barista."

"Y-Yes, I was taking a breath of fresh air." you say in an old lady voice.

[I feel stupid...]

"I tried to shake Windy's alibi." the unicorn continues. "But each witness was adamant! Spade..."

"Faith, and it's true!"

"Yates..."

"Jawohl!"

"Miss Barista..."

"Oh, mercy, yes."

There remained ONE suspect, whose whereabouts had not yet been established, Pepper the dwarf, a retired circus performer! Exactly, where were you when the accident occurred, Pepper?"

"Uh, w-well....."

The impatient pony frantically waves her hoof, begging you to think of something. You spot the box of small balloons and quickly suck the helium out of one. "Pepper, where WERE you?!"

"I was at the movies." you state in a squeaky voice.

You hear the audience outside laugh their flanks off.

"W-We'll be right back after a short break."

"I say, I don't remember the plots to these things being so goofy." Whooves adds.

"Seriously, Rare? SIX different roles and SIX different accents?" you fume.

"I know, I'm sorry, Anon. But you're doing BRILLIANTLY. Oh, except your Yates could be a bit gruffer. Also, Pinkie, at the bottom of page 14. Listen, after you're attacked-"

"WHAT WHAT WHAAAAT?!" the party pony panics.

"Just say 'I'm dying'. Cut the rest."

"T-That's my fillyhood speech."

"Yes, I know."

"You can't cut that, you CAN'T!"

"Stop whining, Pinkie Pie. We have a play to do."

"Hmph."

"Ten seconds, everyone! And, please, let's pick up the pace!"

Whooves plays some organ music as Rarity resumes the story. "Boots Motel, act two. I was baffled. They all had alibis. Suddenly, Miss Thorn pointed, her eyes WIDE with alarm!"

"Thewe's somepony outswide vat winbow." Star mumbles.

"Why, yes, Miss Thorn. It appears to be......"

Suddenly, calliope music starts playing out loud.

"........t-the ice cream mare!"

You turn to Whooves, who, after many bucks, silences the noise.

"But nevermind that. Suddenly, the storm put the lights out..."

The 'thunder' roars.

"And we were left in the darkness. Then, a scream."

Rainbow squeals into her mic.

"When the lights came back up, the maid lay lifeless, unable to name her attacker, and Windy Mills lay mortally wounded."

"I-I'm dying...." Pinkie sighs.

"Poor mare was gone-"

"Never again to revisit the scene of my fillyhood." the party pony resumes, ignoring the fashionista's signs. "Hopping with my silly fillies with their the cheese and cream-"

"Just then, the lights went out again!" Rarity barks before popping a balloon. "Windy Mills was attacked again."

"Only grazed me. Where the moonlight bathed the meadow like a delightful-"

POP!!!

"The final blow blew her head CLEAN off her shoulders! Alright, everypony, let's try to keep CALM, although it's hard when the hooligan is among us."

Pinkie dashes toward the soundboard, knocks on, opens and closes the prop door. "Howdy there, I'm Windy's sister, Celsius Mills!" she hollers into her mic. "I haven't seen her since our fillyhood when hop-"

POP!!!

"And so passed on the last surviving MEMBER of the Mills family!" the unicorn growls.

A cheeky Pinkie knocks on the prop door again. "Hello, it's the ice cream mare. Years ago, I went to school with Windy Mills. We used to hop with my silly fillies-"

POP!!!

"Dear me, this is turning into a bloodbath." you overhear Whooves in the back.

"By this time, I was more baffled than ever." Rarity grunts. "So I played a HUNCH. Yates, may I see your hooves?"

"Why?"

"They seem a bit RAGGED for a butler."

"Alright, alright. I'm not what I appear. None of us is. I'm NOT a butler! I'm not even-"

You flip the page. "Germane." you finish in your normal voice.

Dramatic reveal pipe organ time.

"Sit down, inspector. You're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle to relate to you." you continue. "When we're finished, you'll know the full...."

The unicorn trots in front of you, throwing signal after signal at you to emote better.

"D-Dark secret of Boots Motel."

"Are you sore we sould, Yates?" Starlight sputters.

"Be quiet, mother."

More dramatic reveal pipe organ time...

"Mother and I moved here when I was a small colt, after the......"

CinemareSins signals you to say the line with feeling. "T-Tragic disappearance of my father. I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me like a......serpent coiled within a damp cave- okay, that's it."

You drop the script and pick up the container of balloons. "Nevermind all that. I'm just gonna take this GUN off the table, which is like a mini lethal cannon for those that don't know."

POP!!!

You hear the audience outside gasp at the 'gunshot'.

"Sorry 'bout that, Spade! Guess we'll never hear your 'fascinating' piece of the puzzle."

POP!!!

"Or yours, Pepper!"

The shocked unicorn sits back and watches as her play crumbles to bucked up ash.

"Could the Barista sisters stand back-to-back, I'm running out of bullets."

POP!!!

"Thank you. What was your name again, dear?"

"Miss Thorn." Starlight moans.

"THANK YOU."

POP!!!

Your pal tosses her lines aside and goes to rest by the soundboard with everypony else.

"Ah, and also Miss Wing."

POP!!!

Whooves rings the bell.

"And, of course, one final bullet for myself. So the mystery will die with me..."

POP!!!

".....ha. By the way, to everypony, never name your kid 'Norman'."

You get up and join the others, leaving a stunned Rarity. After a moment of silence, she leans into her mic.

"W-Well, then......that pretty much wrapped things up. Yates was a mass murderer, to the surprise of everyone. The case was closed."

The unicorn then turns to you all with a remorseful smile. "And, with a grateful shudder, I swore to never return........to Boots Motel."

Whooves ends it all with one final note with the organ. However, Twilight magically hands the unicorn her timer.

"Oh, it appears we still have.........NINE minutes remaining. Perhaps we could have a little post-play discussion."

You all slowly turn away from the sheepish mare.

"Heh, guess I deserve that."