Obligatory Self Insert

by Jaycren

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Narcotics, Anthro, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Self Insert, Adventure
Length: 3579

I am so sorry for this. I swore I wouldn't do it but after this idea wouldn't leave I had no choice.

Great, I'm in Equestra! :facehoof: Why am I here? Because the author Minaren decided he wanted to have a funny story set in a borderline porn movie equestria. :rainbowderp: Problem is that his self insert Minaren is loyal to his beloved NotJohnHarker and of course she did not get pulled in too. That Self Insert would be me. :raritydespair: Also why am I in the form of the one character all of my readers hated. What. The. Hell. :twilightangry2:

However my bastard author made one mistake, he recreated my grimoire. :pinkiehappy: Inside is all the secret pranking knowledge I have ever acquired. All the technical plans. All the Chemical formulas. All the strategies. He wants to take my NotJohnHarker from me? This Means War. :pinkiecrazy:

Published 2019-07-03 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-10-17 00:00:36 UTC

Day 1: Arrival

Darkness, darkness followed by a call I must answer. I reach forward and breakthrough to the otherside. Then darkness takes me again as pain lances my skull and I know no more.

Excuse me are you okay?

Opening my eyes I look up at a crystal ceiling, looking down at me is everyone's favorite purple Alicorn Twilight Sparkle. However, instead of a quadruped, I appear to have the anthroversion. Groaning, I rise to my feet. Sure enough, a well endowed Princess Twilight Sparkle is staring up at me, dressed entirely in naughty schoolgirl chic. Closing my eyes I pinch the bridge of my nose.

"Great, Minaren the author is doing a self insert." I Mutter, "So therefore I, being the self insert, have to suffer through this."

Taking one last breath I begin analyzing myself. I am regularly 6ft 5in and about 300pds, but I feel taller, heavier and way more muscular. Please tell me the asshole is not doing what I think he is.

Raising my hands to the top of my head, I curse. "Yep he absolutely is."

Sure enough a Ram's head greets my inspection, complete with large horns. Opening my eyes, I see that Twi is still staring at me.

"I'm fine Bookhorse." I growl, looking at her circle I flinch, "What in Celestia's futacock were you trying to summon?"

"Well, after Spike helped me with a little research, I was just experimenting with a new set of arcane lettering that I just discovered. And my name is not Bookhorse its -"

"Princess Twilight Sparkle, You're the Element Of Magic and one of the Heroines known as the Mane 6. You have a brother name Shining Armor and are the sister in law to Princess Cadence. She used to also be your babysitter. Your parents are Night Light and Twilight Velvet, respectively. I know who you are." I interrupt her.

"Then why did you -"

Placing a finger on her lips I silenced her, "1. I didn't wake up looking like this in my world. 2. I was yanked out of my existence by another. 3. You are that other. 4. You have taken me away from my special someone. As long as I am not Cursing, threatening you, hurting myself or others, and/or doing something blatantly illegal, I suggest that you not remark on what I call you."

Taking away my finger, I continued, "Especially when by entering the circle yourself you made me completely immune to any harm you could do to me. Whether it be magical or physical," turning my head to the side I snarked, "Isn't that summoner 101? 'Don't break the circle.' I mean isn't it in the same class with 'Don't call something you can't put down?"

"Bookhorse it is," Twilight stammered, stepping back she began to mutter, "Oh this is bad," She started to panic, "Celestia is so gonna punish me for this one."

Shrugging I reassured the Alicorn of Obsessive Neurosis, "You'll be fine, technically you both are the same rank. Besides, All I ask is for two things. One, step out of the room for a moment. 2. Send me back as soon as you can. Okay, Bookhorse?"

"I'll definitely do my best to send you back, but why do you want me leave the room?"

"Because, although I am calm right now, I am only a couple of minutes from a complete and total freak out. Being that you can do nothing to hurt me in any way, while I am under no such restriction I would rather you were not in front of me until I get myself back under control." I explained.

"Ah, Leaving the room then," Sparkles affirmed.

Moving rapidly for the door, her short skirt flipped up several times. She was not wearing anything underneath and white liquid oozed down her leg.

"Heh, Spike helped her with Research," I leered, "He's probably over helping Rarity with her Inspiration problems."

Waiting a moment for the door to close, I began.

"Alright you absolute piece of shit, what the FUCK!"

Heh, should have known you'd find a way to talk to me.

"Yeah, it helps when I know it's me that writing this whole dumpster fire of a story. I mean seriously? You put me in the same world as Magic Of Dragons? I suppose that Sunset in the other world is a futa that takes advantage of Fluttershy too?"

I will neither confirm nor deny that.

"Wow. We are absolute piles of garbage."

Hey, What's this we, white man?

"Don't give me that crap. Not only that, but since I am a self insert that means that I am in no way getting back home. So even though, I am going to be loyal to NotJohnHarker, unless she writes herself into this pile of crap then I'm going to be alone. Nothing but manual relief for me. Not to mention the fact that what we are doing is a direct parody/satire/inspired by/homage/stolen idea from True Edge's Pony Plots. And what even was your end game huh? You and I both know that were are not good fro just about anything. I mean without NotJohnHarker I am probably going to fall to my less ration inclinations pretty quickly. Never mind my other predilections. "

Yeah, this is going to be fun. As for Edge, he's a big boy. He will understand.

"And what is the big idea with those symbols, eh? We created those. We created all those secret languages and arcane numbers. All to hide some of the more scary shit from prying eyes. Why the fuck did you give her access to that shit. I mean come on, next you're going to tell me the grimoire of ours the we burned all those years ago is sitting on the bookshelves behind me."

Second Bookshelf from the right, Third Shelf from the top, Five Books in.

"Why did you make me an exact copy of our character from Capricorn Born In January? It's one of our most hated tales! And With Good reason."

All the more to add to the fun.

"Oh, I forgot. We don't mind inflicting pain on ourselves. Neverminded shooting ourselves in the foot for a point do we?"

no we do not.[.color]

"Well then you know exactly what I am going to do next."

You wouldn't dare.

Shifting back to my own internal monologue I snarled out loud, "Oh You bet our sexy asses I would,"

Author's Note

Alright, here it is. The Obligatory Self Insert. The show is ending and this popped into my head. I have no idea why. I do not know even If this will continue past what I have planned, which ends next chapter. I always swore I would never do this. But I also swore that I would never work as a custodian again, yet I am back to doing that. The Universe has a strange and twisted humor. Anyways, have a good night and please check out some of my other stories. The next update will be over at FanFiction under the name Jaycren. Thawing A Frozen Heart will be done shortly, I will be finishing the chapter within the next day or so.

The Words That Should Never Be Said

Smirking I walked over to the bookshelf indicated by my other half.

"Knew it, I never lie to myself." I crowed in triumph, pulling my old Grimoire from it's shelf.

Flipping through the pages, I stopped on the Occult Codes section. Walking around the summoning circle that had dragged me into this reality, I began matching symbols. Getting to the Arcane Numerics I stopped.

"Twilight Sparkle, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!!!!!" I screamed, my words echoing through the Crystal Castle.

A flash of light lit the room and the Princess most determined to inspire Student Porn appeared before me. Quickly shooting forward, Twilight once more showed me the goods.

"Holy Fuck, Bookhorse!" I cursed, "I am not Alucard, you have Goddamn time to put on panties!"

Sparkles the slutty student stopped, her cheeks quickly reddening. Glancing at me, her eyes filled with tears. Lunging forward, she hugged me as the damn burst.

"WHAAAAAAA!!!!!" She wailed, "I dragged you all the way from your home and have been flashing you this entire time. You must think I'm a SLUT!"

Sighing, I looked down at Sparkle, as she did her best to drench my only shirt with her tears. Patting her on the head, I gently pulled her arms from around me.

"I don't think that at all Bookhorse," I reassured Twilight gently, "I just happen to think you got a generous helping of Dragon Dick and it has you frazzled. Go put on some underwear and then come back here. You and I have to discuss your summoning practices."

"We Do?" She asked sniffling.

"Yes, you should really know better. Fortunately, I happen to have some good rules for you to follow when calling something up from the ether. But for right now, Go Put On Some Panties." I reiterated.

With an "EEP" Twilight vanished, leaving me to examine her summoning chamber. The room itself was about 20 foot square, and had a arced crystal ceiling. Her inner circle had a base of what appeared to be cold iron, with a silvery outer metal circle entrapment it. In Between the primary and secondary circles were shiftable tiles for her North, South, East, and West. Two Smaller circles sit to the North and The South respectively, while the East And West had lesser Circles corresponding. The directionally Circles seemed to be made of gold, but on closer inspection were to hard for that metal and seemed impervious to tarnish. Smiling I shook my head.

"A rig like this and she still casts the net wildly," I remark to no one, "When I catch Spike I'm going to need to talk to him about side effects."

Hearing the door creak open, a much subdued and embarrassed Twilight sheepishly walked in.

She had exchanged the Slutty schoolgirl outfit for a longer flowing skirt and a tight tank top that barely constrained her impressive tits. A jean jacket with her Cutie mark completed the ensemble. Entering quietly into the room, she stood silently not quite meeting my eye.

"Alright Bookhorse enough of this bullshit," I admonished, "There is no sense in being uncomfortable around me. I may be here for a bit after all. Just try to not let it happen again and it'll be fine."

"Okay," She sniffled, her cheeks still quite rosy, "What did you want to tell me about my Summoning?"

"You need some ground rules. 1. Never summon something that is more powerful or cunning than you. 2. Never break the circle. 3. Only something that can be bound can leave the circle and only when it is bound. 4. Send everything back in a reasonable amount of time, and never under any circumstances try to renegotiate for more favors. Do You Understand, Bookhorse?" I made sure to enunciate the last question, as if talking to a moron.

Heh, reading the Evil Overlord's List and being a fan of fantasy paid off.

"Not to mention, knowing how my Author thinks so I can anticipate how the magic works in this Equestria." I thought as Princess Sluttybutt scrunched her nose at my tone.

"You know, I'm not a complete idiot." Twilight began only to be paused by my hand over her mouth.

Holding up my finger to her lips, I held up my Grimoire. Flipping open to the Occult codes I shoved it into her face. The lesson I was about to teach needed to be driven home. If my Author is as much of an ass as I am then trusting books like this naively is a quick train to Sombra town.

Hey, that's not fair! How in the hell don't you know you're not a gross over exaggeration of my personality? A parody of myself to go along with the parody/inversion that is this story.

Really? I'm surprised you said that with a straight face.

I know right! :trollestia: No your assessment is completely fair. Continue with your lesson.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

...................

I hate you so much right now.

Yep, got my impulsive behaviors too. Heh.

Huffing, I queried Sparkle, "Bookhorse, why in hell did you use an unfamiliar set of Arcane symbols in a summoning? Written in a book you didn't remember ever having? In a language you can't possibly read?"

Tilting her head, her eyes focused on the lettering. Her puzzled eyes raising to mine, I watched as intelligent dismay returned to everyone's favorite neurotic Princess.

"I have no idea. Why in Celestia's blessed futacock would I do that?" She wondered aloud. "And why would I fuck Spike? Or cast a randomized net into the ether just to see what I would get."

"Huh, my questions cleared her head. Going to have to think on that." I observed silently.

I watched as she began pacing the floor. As much as I enjoyed derailing my author's narrative I had preparations to make.

"Earth to Sparklebutt, Thing you have summoned and have no real way of sending back home is waiting for an answer." I snarked, derailing Twilight's obsessive logic train.

Besides at the time I needed her focused elsewhere if the first part was going to go off without a hitch. As far as I knew most self inserts have a neutral to friendly relationship with their author. I was the only one that had a hostile relationship the real deal.

Pursing her lips, she wrapped her arms around her chest. Hugging herself she haltingly whispered, "Because I had Spike cast a spell on me that made me amazingly horny. I wanted to know what it did and in doing so got fucked. This is going to be real weird now. I mean I'm technically his mother. Both in terms of our magical patterns and adoption. Talk about giving a young man an Oedipus complex," Twilight paused, her arms dropping to the sides, Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Looking around the room, she noticed the one book that was missing.

"Heh, Bingo." I snarked.

"And he took it. Of course he did. It's probably feeding his draconic nature as we speak. Not to mention shooting his own hormones through the roof. Well at least I can claim he was a considerate lover," She mused, I can't even claim the moral high ground here. I asked for him to cast it."

Smiling, I knew I had her. "Glad, you're back with us, Sparklebutt. But first things first, I need to go to Sugar Cube Corner. Spike will be were he is for a while at least, so he's not an immediate problem."

"You know where he is?" Twilight's eyes examined my face looking for falsehood.

Gotcha again, "Of Course," I confirmed.

Twilight dropped her arms and glared at me. "Spike is out there doing Celestia knows what and you're making deals?"

"Hello," I answered, waving my hand in greeting "Interdimensional being from another realm, making deals is in my nature."

Lie la Lie. The Author sang, "Lie la Lie, Lie, Lie la Lie, Lie La Lie.

Shut up you.

We both know you're going to inform her of her errant, mind addled rapist.
Whether or not she takes you to Sugarcube Corner.

She doesn't need to know that. Besides, Spike isn't right in the head in this moment. That book is fucking him as much as he's fucking mares.

Wow, is this what we were like without NotJohnHarker? Now I understand why we were outcastes.

Fuck off, Douchebag, really glad Twilight can't hear this.

Wrinkling her nose in disgust, Twilight relented, "Alright, But what do you want at Sugarcube Corner?"

Grinning ear to ear, my eyes alight with mischief, I answered, "Don't worry, Sparklebutt. It won't harm your friends in any way. Just take me there and the rest will take care of itself."

Shuddering under my glare, Twilight relented.

About 10 minutes later I stood before the diabetes induced nightmare that was Sugarcube Corner. To me it was the most beautiful building in the world. And Don't worry Fryen/True Edge, I'm in no way going to steal your Waifu, you earned her fair and square.

Turning to the impatient Princess of Weeb Desire, I informed her, "Spike's at Rarity's, It was already too late by the time I entered into this world. If you hurry, you'll catch them mid snuggle."

A snarl accompanied by a blinding flash of light and Twilight was gone, a perfectly circular scorch mark advertising her emotional state.

Smirking at the thought of what Spike was about to experience, I entered the building. Closing my eyes a moment, I breathed in the smell of baked bread and other sugar coma inducing items. The very pores of my skin humming to the sugary siren's call. Opening my eyes, I was greeted by a rather intense stare from the tons of fun Party Pony herself.

"Really?" She snorted, "Tons of Fun? Is that the best you can do?"

"Hey the more to hug the better," I returned fire, "You know what I'm here to ask Poof."

Smiling Maniacally, The Hyper Horse, laughed, "Say it outloud, I want to hear you say it. I need to hear you say it."

"Pinkamena Diane Pie," I asked as I threw my arms wide open, "Would you like to be my friend."

From over in the corner a Rainbow Haired Adrenaline Junkie screamed, "Under the tables now!"

As the echoes of my question and Rainbow's shout died, Ponies of all ages dove for cover. I had only eyes for what was before me.

Letting loose a shuddering moan, Pinkie vanished. Less then a second later, I was propelled back out the door into the middle of the street. A rather fluffy mare hugging me tightly, her legs straddling my lap.

Tapping her shoulder, as I was turning blue due to her arms around my throat and blue in the balls as she began to grind her hips, I managed to get her to loosen her grip enough so that I could talk. So not into Auto-Erotic asphyxiation.

"Pinkie, I only want to be friends." I choked out.

"Yeah," She replied, not pausing in the slightest. Her hand began creeping towards my pants. "I'm okay with that."

"Without Benefits," I clarified, "I am mono-romantic and borderline monosexual. You're thinking of another self insert. Not Me."

Rolling off of me, the chipper mare chirped, "Oh, Okay."

Standing back, Pinike waited while I got to my feet. Looking over I noticed that she seemed to share Twilight's clothing adverse thinking. Daisy dukes strained against her thiccness while her plump belly advertised her cupcake baking skills. I imagine Ditzy Doo was the mare to see about muffin tops. The Pink Party Pony had an even more impressive pair of tits then Twilight and wore a pink spaghetti strap top. A hair net completed the ensemble.

I shook my head, this Author was a complete ass.

"I know, right?." Pinkie answered my inner monologue, "I mean, how am I even supposed to bake in this? All this exposed skin will burn like a bitch. And without a proper bra my bazongas are really beginning to hurt my back," Looking straight at the fourth wall she snarked, "I mean it's almost like he is compressing all the Pony Porn he's ever read, seen, or conceived of and shoving it all into one story, then forcing his protagonist to walk through the entire thing without even once even seeing the goods. Seriously, who does that?"

Apparently I do. Would you be less mad if I at least reduced you cup size from a 44h to a 38D

Go down to 36C, no mare has bigger tits than me, and I'll think about it.

Done.

Sighing in relief as the enormous funbags reduced to manageable levels, Pinkie cracked her back loudly.

"Oh yeah," she groaned, "That's the ticket."

"I got you in trouble" I teased.

I trust that you are still going to try and take vengeance on me?

"Of course. I have Pinkie on my side and you know damn well what my next stop will be." I snarled.

Well then I'll make it easy for you. Both of those mares are in the exact same place.

Narrowing my eyes, my words quivered as they left my lips, "You wouldn't have."

Wanna bet?

"It's not possible."

Search your feelings you know it to be true.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" I screamed to my Author, knowing without a doubt were I must go.

"What?" Pinkie asked.

"Go back to work Pinkie, I must do this on my own. I must go to one of the few places I have never wanted to go. Partake in one of those eccentricities of men that I have never shared."

"You don't mean?!" Pinkie gasped.

"Yes, Pinkie. I, Minaren, must venture bravely forth and enter," I paused not wanting to say what my more real counterpart had contrived, "the local strip club."

Author's Note

I'm not sure if I should feel bad about what this story is becoming or giddy in anticipation. I wonder if I can do both? Yep, gonna do both. I hope this find everyone well. I will be updating Monster's Parole some time this week. I hope.

A Short Detour

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