Saturday Night's Alright for Bar Fighting

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1322

Twilight finds herself being pestered by a D-list celebrity at a bar.

Saturday nights are a time for kicking back and enjoying a round with your friends. Or, in the case of Twilight Sparkle, getting away from them to unwind with whiskey.

However, when self-proclaimed D-list celebrity Brandy Dick begins to pester her, she realizes that unwinding is off the table.

Cue the music.

Inspired by the story of Jon Lovitz slamming Andy Dick's head onto a bar table after mocking the death of Phil Hartman.

Published 2019-07-05 21:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-05 21:10:01 UTC

Saturday Night's the Night I Like

Author's Note

I got sick of seeing my number of stories at 79. I needed to round it up to a comfy 80.

Saturday Night's the Night I Like

“Fight me!”

The air was filled with the sounds of chatter and laughter. The local bar in Ponyville was the hottest place to spend a Saturday night—ones age being the only requirement to become a part of the fun.

“Did you hear me, Sparkle?”

Though with that fun comes the occasional hooligan whose only purpose in life is to ruin the fun for everyone else.

Twilight Sparkle took a sip of her drink, a simple glass of whiskey, and turned her neck. Looking down her was an earth pony stallion, his clothing as tattered as a centuries-old tapestry that’d seen one too many tussels at the local pub. He sported a grey, curly mane that made her think for a brief second that this stallion had recently robbed a cotton factory. But, she knew this stallion—and his reputation.

“Go away, Brandy Dick.”

His name sent waves of frustration through her body. The stories she’d heard from her friends. They were all… peculiar.

Fluttershy sat at a table with Angel Bunny, a bottle of scotch in front of her.

Brandy staggered over and fell onto his stomach, his bottle of beer falling in front of him. “Hey, Butterfly.”

“It’s Fluttershy.”

“Listen, I want your wallet and your mane.”

“No.”

Brandy stood up and pressed his muzzle against Fluttershy’s. “What did you just say?”

Fluttershy pressed her muzzle against Brandy’s. “I said no.”

“What if I give you my CCTV cameras?”

Fluttershy threw a swift punch, sending Brandy falling back onto the floor and into the pool of booze his bottle had made.

For her part, Fluttershy took a sip of her scotch. “Mmm. Just like dad used to make.”

Applejack took her fifth shot of apple-flavored vodka. “Brandy, I told ya ten minutes ago, I ain’t giving ya my farm.”

“But your mother promised to sell it to me before she was killed in that horribly tragic hit and run with my assistant!”

“I know and I don’t care. The farm was left to me and I ain’t giving it to ya for no amount of bits.”

“What if I give you 35% of all the profit?”

Applejack tapped her chin. “Make it 45%.”

Brandy stood on his hindlegs. “Are you crazy!?” That’s way too much! What would you even do with 45% of the revenue? You live on a farm!”

“Yeah, and I’d be selling it to you. Thereby giving you the house too.”

Brandy blinked. “Did you mortgage the house?”

Applejack nodded.

Brandy collapsed.

“Twilight!”

Twilight snapped back into reality. “I didn’t steal the Irish Crown Jewels!”

Brandy turned Twilight’s head. “Look, I’ve changed my mind.”

“About me kicking your flank?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Twilight smiled and took a sip of her drink.

“I want you to buy me a drink,” Brandy replied. “For I’ve placed a curse on you and you shall die unless you get me a premium bottle of one-hundred percent our scotch!”

Twilight stood up and leaned close to Brandy’s ear. “I’ve seen into the future, through all the trials and tribulations we shall both experience and the answer is just like when you ask for a role in something: no.”

Brandy huffed. “Then fight me you wretch!”

Twilight sat back down. “I ain’t feeling up to it, Brandy.”

“Have you forgotten who I am, Twilight!?” Brandy slammed his hooves onto the table. “I’m Brandy Dick and I’m, like, the biggest deal in this rundown nothingsville of a town. So either fight me or you’ll hear from my lawyers who could have you in jail for sixty bazillion ye—”

Wham!

Twilight’s shot glass struck Brandy’s head, causing him to stagger back in shock. Without so much as a second thought he rushed at Twilight and tackled her to the ground. He opened his mouth to speak, only to feel a searing hot blast of magic strike his chest.

“You dare lay one of your filthy hooves on me?” Brandy staggered to his legs and shook his head. “I am Brandy Dick!”

“I know.” Twilight took a sip from a nearby martini glass. “You’ve told me that more times than I care to count.”

“No, I haven’t.”

Crash

Twilight rushed at Brandy and struck a nearby table with the fury of a thousand drunk rhinoceroses. While a few patrons scattered while others wept over their spilled liquor, Twilight threw several savage punches at Brandy’s face, his head going from left to right like a tennis ball.

“Will—” another blow landed on Brandy’s face— “you—” yet another, this one accompanied by a grunt from a bar patron who stood up while his legs wobbled— “stop hitting me!?”

Brandy pushed Twilight off of him and bucked her chest, sending her reeling back in pain. He turned his head and spit out a tooth. “That’s the fifth tooth I’ve lost this week!”

Letting out several deep breaths, Twilight stood up. “How’d you lose the other four?”

“I forget, but I’m sure it involved me being a pretty big deal.” Brandy trotted over to Twilight. His head in the air, he let out a hearty laugh. “Now, do you declare me the winner or declare yourself the loser?”

Twilight grabbed Brandy’s mane with her magic and lowered his bruised face down to her own. She took a deep breath and presser her muzzle against Brandy’s. Without a word, she let go of his mane and took a single step back before throwing one final swift, brutal right hook that connected with Brandy’s jaw like a bottle of Brandy hitting a sober stallion’s liver. Had it been a lesser pony, the dickless wonder may have succumbed to the harrowing blow and found himself in the care of professional medical officials. However, Brandy instead found himself in the care of something different.

Thud

The alcohol and spit covered floor—also known as his bed.

Twilight sighed and sat down at a table. The bar was still filled with the chatter and laughter, those who’d been caught between the scuffle lined up for more drinks.

Motioning for a nearby bartender, Twilight gestured to her empty whiskey glass.

“Twilight!”

Twilight turned her head as the sound of whiskey hitting the bottom of the empty glass filled the noisy air ever-so faintly Through the crowds of ponies, she saw Rainbow, who rushed over and stood over Brandy’s unconscious body. “Did you actually knock out Brandy Dick!?”

Twilight thanked the bartender and nodded before taking another shot of whiskey. “I wasn’t in the mood for his incessant stupidity tonight. Besides, he kept asking me to fight him.”

Rainbow sighed and nudged the motionless stallion. “I wanted to be the one to do that today.”

“Oh well.” Twilight levitated over a shot glass. “How about I buy you a few drinks to make up for that?”

Rainbow’s eyes lit up. She tackled Twilight to the ground and hugged her. “You’re the best!”

“Thank you, Rainbow.” Twilight hugged her friend. “Now can you let me up? I don’t want to be so close to this guy.”

“Oh, sorry.” Rainbow got off her friend and extended a hoof, helping Twilight back up. “Now, let’s go!”

Twilight had less than a second to register that Rainbow was already ordering enough booze to intoxicate half of Canterlot. “That mare’s liver is something else,” she mused to herself.

Out the corner of her eye, Twilight could see Brandy. She turned her head and glared at him, only to see his eyes slowly flutter open. As he staggered to his hooves, Twilight stuck her tongue out at him before levitating her shot glass over. “Catch,” she said as she flung it at his flank. With that, she trotted up to Rainbow’s side, the other Elements of Harmony joining them.

Life was good.