The Great Alicorn Bludgeon

by totallynotabrony

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Main 6
Length: 1049

Who ya gonna call? The bluntest instrument of them all.

Who ya gonna call?
The bluntest instrument of them all.

Now with reading

Published 2019-07-12 09:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-12 09:40:01 UTC

Fruit Salad

"I brought the stuff for the fruit salad," said Pinkie. She unloaded several bags of groceries onto the crystal table in the center of the room.

"Do you really think we can pull off a surprise party for Twilight's birthday, in her own home, while she's just in the other room?" Rarity asked, keeping her voice low.

"It's okay," said Pinkie. She pulled out a small paring knife and winked. "Twilight's not the sharpest knife in the drawer."

As Pinkie got busy slicing the fruit, Applejack frowned. "Shouldn't you be using a cutting board?"

"It's not like this plain old kitchen knife is going to scratch the magical crystal table," Pinkie pointed out. "Trust me, I know my rocks, and this is definitely not your run-of-the-quarry geode. It was created with the overwhelming magic of Twilight's transformation, after all."

"Um, did you miss the more important part of what Pinkie said?" asked Fluttershy.

"Uh yeah, that part about Twilight not being the sharpest knife in the drawer?" said Rainbow, coming over to join the group. "If that was a joke, Pinkie, I don't get it."

"I don't think too hard about what Pinkie says," Applejack replied.

Rarity nodded. "Though I do agree that Twilight has certainly changed since she ascended. I had thought she was a rather powerful unicorn, but it's as if she isn't even trying anymore."

"Still, calling her, er, a dull knife may be a bit harsh," said Fluttershy.

Pinkie gestured with the knife. "I mean, I'm not saying it to insult her. I'm just saying that she used to be such a nerd solving problems with her brain and now she's one of the most powerful ponies in the world without practice or anything. She went from geek to god."

Rainbow put a hoof to her chin. "I guess I have seen Twilight flexing more often. Figuratively. Which is...not to say she wouldn't be impressive at doing it literally."

"She hasn't even grown that much yet and she's already cutting a rather impressive figure," Rarity agreed.

"So yeah, Twilight went from scalpel to sledgehammer." Pinkie continued cutting fruit.

"But wait," said Applejack, who had been quietly thinking the whole time since the conversation started, "Are you sayin' it's because she's an alicorn? Because that doesn't mean much. If we're bein' completely truthful here, when it comes to savin' the world and beating monsters, I've never seen Cadance do anything, most ponies forget Luna exists, and I think Celestia actually has a negative track record. Bein' an alicorn usually means a pony is less useful at savin’ the world."

"To be fair, the six of us usually solve problems before it escalates to their attention," Rarity pointed out. "Also, didn't Cadance help us fight King Sombra the first time?"

"By acting like a javelin when Shining Armor literally threw her," said Rainbow.

"Which goes back to my point," said Pinkie. "According to what we've seen, alicorns are only good for brute force, if at all."

"You had a point?" said Rarity.

"Sure. Think about it. This whole castle was just spontaneously created, with no carpentry or stonecutting or craft skills of any kind. Just...poof, no knowledge required." Pinkie waved the knife again. A drop of fruit juice splashed on Fluttershy's nose and she crossed her eyes in alarm.

"Well, Twilight was a really powerful unicorn," said Rainbow. "So what if she's a really powerful alicorn?"

"Pinkie, are you saying there's a relationship between increasing magic power and decreasing finesse?" Rarity asked. She tilted her head. "And due to the decreasing precision of increasingly powerful magic, it becomes less useful for smaller tasks. If we were to explore that line of logic with a study, Twilight would be the first choice to investigate. Perhaps we could even use it to get her back to her old personality."

"Keep throwin’ research studies at her?" said Applejack. "Could work, but if this here theory is real, she might just pull out some crazy power and get it done in an instant."

"Could she do that?" said Rainbow. "I thought the whole point of Pinkie's crazy theory was that alicorns were only good for raw force."

"Yep," said Pinkie. "If this goes far enough, Twilight won't even have brains left to know what a research study is. But that won't be a problem for her, because she'll be powerful enough to do literally anything without needing to know anything about it. Blunt. Instrument."

Rarity pointed out, "By that logic, pure force, that would mean Applejack of all ponies is closer to alicornhood than any of the rest of us."

Rainbow looked gutpunched, as if somepony had just accused her of being too refined and precise.

Applejack snorted. "I think I'm safe. I ain't never seen an alicorn handle a lariat or graft a branch."

"You see what I'm saying?" Pinke said. "An alicorn wouldn't need to do those precision things. They'd just catch your roping target with their overwhelming magic and do some kind of mutant fusion on the graft branch and the tree. Don't tell me you didn't see Twilight do things like that even when she was a unicorn."

"True," Rarity acknowledged, "yet it's somehow gotten worse since her ascension. It's like her personality's subtly changed. She isn't being a cool logistician anymore. If anything, she's become paralyzed to action." The color slowly drained from Rarity’s already pale face in realization. "She’s...becoming a useless alicorn like the rest."

Rarity fell to the floor and clutched her head. "Oh no! That leaves just the five of us to protect Equestria because Twilight's become too powerful for both her and the country's own good! She's been reduced to only massive magic and even then unreliably!"

"That's way more developed than I had thought through the theory, but thanks for the horrifying realization," said Pinkie. She'd finished chopping fruit and now picked up an unopened coconut. She frowned and put down the inadequate paring knife.

The door opened just then and Twilight walked into the room. "Girls? What are you all doing here?"

"Hey, there you are," said Pinkie. "We need to open this coconut. Point your horn this way and hold still."

Author's Note

The title and story concept comes from something FanOfMostEverything once said.