Celestia Builds a Goal Post?

by Hopeful_Ink_Hoof

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1438

Princess Celestia orders that an American football goal post be built on the edge of Canterlot

After learning about American football in the human world, Princess Celestia has a goal post built on the edge of Canterlot. This has many wondering why she would do such a thing.

Today, they are going to find out.

(If you like this or my other stories, feel free to leave a little something at my ko-fi!)

Published 2019-07-08 21:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-08 21:30:02 UTC

A Field Goal

It all started one day when Sunset Shimmer had come to Equestria, and had decided to visit Princess Celestia. The two spent time enjoying some tea and cake while discussing what had happened since Sunset had fled from Equestria. A majority of the conversation was simply her telling the princess about the human world. Mostly, it was about the technological advancements they had made since there was no magic, but there was also mention of literature, history, and games that humans played.

This led to a request from Celestia.

"Please, tell me more about this 'American Football.'"

Sunset did not really think anything odd about that request. A large part of it was the retrospect of what had happened when she had been Celestia's student. During that time, the princess had shown an interest in one subject or another that Sunset had considered eclectic or pointless. It was only when she looked back later and saw that some of those interest had been useful in her education, and that Princess Celestia had taken some of those concept in other directions for other purposes, did she realize how useful the princess had found them. As such, she did not give it a second thought as she shared what she knew about the human sport, and even offered to send some books about the subject through the portal for her to use.

Two weeks later, Princess Celestia filled out a series of permits, and hired a variety of engineer and construction ponies to build a goal post. It was to be forty-five feet tall, with the goal posts thirty-five feet, six inches wide, and it was to be set at the edge of the city, directly in line with the front doors of the royal castle.

Also of note was the fact that Princess Celestia was paying for the whole matter from her personal accounts. Not a single bit from the government was being used in the construction.

The site of this strange thing being built on the edge of the city roused quite a bit of curiosity. All the more so when no one outside the castle even knew of the human sport it was based on, and those in the castle who did, never said anything. The closest any news pony got was when one of the maids said, "I am certain that The Princess knows precisely what she is doing."

The reporter failed to notice the mischievous smirk that the maid had shortly after.

Still, as the construction of the goal post continued, the speculation as to the reason behind it were abound. Quite a variety of theories about it made their way through the newspapers and the gossip of Canterlot. One of the more popular theories was that it was a new type of defensive countermeasure. That when a new threat would arise and make its way to Canterlot, the object (for none thought to call it a goal post) would be charged with magic and struck, creating vibrations like a tuning fork, which would disrupt the monster and save the city.

One of the less popular theories, which was never printed and only talked about in soft whispers to keep from being overheard, was that Princess Celestia had gone insane. That after a thousand years of ruling, she had finally lost it. That she had snapped, and the strange object she was having built was a sign of it.

When the truth came out, those that had thought the last would consider how simultaneously they were extremely close, yet incredibly far off.

Once construction had finished and some weeks had passed, the public moved on to other matters. The goal post was not forgotten, how could it be when so many could see it at the edge of the city, straight in line with the castle? Most of the public had simply moved on to more immediate matters, or things that could not take their interest. Such as the new theater season that was approaching, with a variety of new shows that would be opening soon. Of course, every pony knew that a new play required a new outfit, and the latest fashions were to be released soon for all to see.

Then came The Day!

The day started the same as most others: the moon set; the sun rose; ponies ate breakfast; businesses opened; and Princess Celestia held started court for the day.

Day Court. A select few hours set aside when ponies from all across Equestria could stand before the princess. There, they could seek advice from Celestia herself, request assistance from the government, or present suggestions which they believe will improve the kingdom.

At least, that was the theory.

In practice, most of the petitioners were ponies that already lived in Canterlot, and often were of the noble class. The more cynical ponies would claim that these "nobles" (often said with a hint of venom in their words) were merely trying to perform actions that would benefit themselves, even if it was at the cost of the rest of Equestria. Those same ponies would also comment how Princess Celestia often kept such nobles from succeeding, often politely, yet firmly, rejecting the offer.

Yet those same nobles would return again and again.

Some times, ponies wished that there was something more that could be done to deter them.

On this day, one particular petitioner was the very type of noble the cynics spoke of. A unicorn stallion by the name of Tea Kettle, a descendant of Bright Copper, a merchant who was eventually granted a title.

Some ponies say that time has tarnished their minds as well as their reputations.

When Tea Kettle's name was announced and the stallion stepped forward, there was a change in Celestia. It was subtle, so much so that most would not be aware of it. Only those who knew the princess quite well would notice. There was a slight tightening around the eyes, a tension in the wings, and a small reduction in the size of her smile.

"Kettle," said the princess, her voice slightly less affectionate than normal. "What brings you here today?"

"Your highness," Tea Kettle said with a slight bow. "Today I have come with a proposition that shall greatly improve the economy of many cities, such as Canterlot."

This caused a series of murmurs from the gallery.

"Oh?" Celestia said in a level tone. "And what may that be?"

"Simply put: we raise taxes in the rural regions, while also reducing government funding to the same."

This led to another series of murmurs, louder and with hints of shock to it.

"I beg your pardon?" Princess Celestia said. One eye gave a faint twitch.

No one took noticed as her assistant, Raven Inkwell, slowly move away from the throne.

"I have put quite a bit of thought into this," Tea Kettle declared. His horn lit up as he held up several sheets of paper. "Country ponies have far fewer costs than us city-ones --marble statues do not pay for themselves, you -- and also fewer needs since they're used to dirt roads and grow their own food. As such, they have more money than they necessarily need, meaning we can raise their taxes with no ill effects on them. Additionally, those dirt roads don't really require much in the way of maintenance, and with many of them being farm ponies, that will inherit and work on the land, they have little need for a full and proper schooling. To that end, we can cut federal spending needed for matters such as road maintenance and education. This, in turn wi--"

"Enough," Celestia cut in, holding up a hoof. "I believe that I have heard enough."

She stood up.

The pair of guards at the door moved, taking a hold of the handles and pulling them open wide.

"Tea Kettle," Celestia said as she stepped down from her throne, "if you would be so kind as to turn around and face the door."

The stallion blinked in confusion, then slowly did as he was told.

Now standing behind him, Princess Celestia turned around as well, pulled in one of her hind legs, and kicked out.

For many of the ponies along the main road to Canterlot, it was quite a sight to behold. A unicorn stallion, flying through the air. No wings. No aura of magic around him. Just shooting along like a stone fired from a slingshot. As they watched, he flew all the way toward the goal, passing over the crossbar and right between the two upright posts.

Touchdown!