Just a Little Reprobat

by I Thought I Was Toast

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character, Bat Pony, Royal Guard
Length: 6341

Little cookie thieves should know their place.

A standalone side story to Just a Little Batty.

Babysitting sucks when you could be out on a friday night. Babysitting a pair of deviant, little reprobats sucks even more. Guarding the cookie jar has its perks, though.

A Batty-verse Story

Edited and proofread by: Dreams of Ponies and Jowijo

Published 2019-07-08 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-08 17:50:01 UTC

The Great Cookie Thief of Eleventy-Seventy-Six

“Book it, Thunder! She’s onto us!”

“Screep!”

I let a ghost of a grin peek through my stoicism as Red Dawn burst through the kitchen door to grab his twin. The twerps always thought they were so clever when trying to sneak some frik-frakkin’ cricket-y goodness from the cookie jar, but they always missed the obvious.

“How does she always do it?!” I could hear Red’s adorable, little scowl from here. Any more pout in that face, and his lower lip would swell bigger than the sunwitch’s ball of cake-fueled indigestion.

“Maybe she reads our minds?” Sweet milk of the Nightmother, Thunder whispered the same way Dad passed gas after having some Hearth’s Warming sow—disgustingly loud.

“Pffft! Yeah, right! If she could do that, why doesn’t she—”

Aha! A perfect cue!

“—finish your sentences?”

The twins jumped as I sauntered out of the shadows behind them rather than just using the kitchen door. My eyebrow had just the teeny-tiniest arch to it, while I kept standing tall in perfect form; their squeaky screams were absolutely delicious payback for swapping out my alarm the other day.

“Niiiiiiiight! That’s not funny!” Red slugged me only to wince and shake his hoof.

“You’re right. It’s not funny.” I finally let my deadpan drop. “It’s hilarious.” Baring my fangs in a grin, I flipped the cookie I’d snagged into my mouth with a satisfying crunch, and noogied the both of them into submission.

“H-hey!” Red and Thunder were instantly trying to scrabble up me. “No fair! Why do you get to sneak cookies when we don’t?!”

“Sneaking is for waskles, like you two.” As I prodded their snoots, they squirmed off me like I was tainted with cooties. “I earned my cookies fair and square. Dad always says a job well done gives a reward well earned.”

“But— But— Mom and Dad aren’t back yet!” Twin whines threatened to flay my flattened ears.

“No, they aren’t,” I sighed, “but I’ve been guarding the cookie jar since I was your age, and look how responsible I turned out.”

“Bwuh? Guarding cookies instead of eating them? You’re a hot tin head doing that!”

“I’m a what?” I blinked at the both of them as they squished their cheeks against my hoof in an effort to pass me.

“You heard us!” Red pushed harder, while Thunder started trying to bite me. “You’re a heat— a hea— a stupid, meanie hot tin head!”

Oh, cute. They were quoting the Princess again.

“The mango doesn’t fall far from the tree.” I grinned leaning in.

“Grrrrr!” And there was Red starting to bite.

“Oi. Stop it.” With a little shove and some nudging, I herded them towards the couch and planted them on their tuckuses. “You want cookies, you should play guard like me. I used to just stand there for hours just because they’d hoof me cookies to get outside and play.

“No way it works like that.” Red crossed his hooves.

“It totally does, though.” I nodded sagely. “Maybe if you twerps behaved, you’d get more cookies.”

The two of them muttered adorably dastardly threats under their breath. I could have gotten them grounded for months with all that profanity naively being butchered, but I just smiled and ignored it the best I could, glancing at the clock.

Only two more hours until freedom. There was no way I would make it….

Unless…

Putting on my best Dad face, I steeled myself. “Did I ever tell you two the story of The Great Cookie Thief of Eleventy-Seventy-Six?”

Butt waggling like the great hunters of old, I waited in the shadows of the pantry for my prey. Every few minutes, I’d check the jar to be sure, but the only cookies missing were the ones I bit into to check for forgery.

The Canterlot Cookie Thief had evaded me three times so far; I was not gonna make it four.

Five minute steakout. Check the goods for tampering. Five minute steakout. Take two bites to double check.

However long it took, I was determined not to leave until I found the perpetrator and brought them to justice.

Licking my lips, I stared into the soft, gray dark. My ears flicked for any sign of approach, but the only thing I heard was the clatter of chefs mixing up Princess Celestia’s secret midnight snack. There wasn’t even a peep to be—

Wait. What was that?!

My head whipped around at a tiny creak and squeak behind me. I turned to slink towards the disturbance, my eyes narrowing as they passed over a floorboard sticking up from the floor.

Setting my hoof upon it, it creaked, but didn’t squeak. When I lifted it, it did squeak, but the crawl space beneath was bare. A quick search of the place revealed another loose board through which the perpetrator must have fled, but at the very least, that meant the cookies were safe from whatever villain dared lurk in the night.

“Not on my watch, criminal scum!” Puffing my chest out, I swooped back up the hole and nailed the floorboard shut, opening the jar to reward myself for a job well—

“Scree!” I hissed a bunch of Dad’s favorite words at the sight of an empty cookie jar. “How?!”

Glancing at the pantry door, I shook my head. The cooks might not hear how much the hinges needed oil, but I flinched every time I snuck in here to take watch. I would have heard that, which meant…

Moving farther back into the pantry, I looked left and right, but saw nothing. It was only looking up that I glimpsed a pair of eyes glinting at me in the darkness.

I growled. He hissed. Wings flared on both sides as we sized each other up.

The little piece of guano dangled nimbly from a dusty butcher’s hook. He was smaller than me, but that didn’t mean squat if I couldn’t catch him, and so I stared, waiting for some sign of weakness as he clutched his saddlebag of misbegotten snickerdoodles to his chest.

“Kekse?” Finally breaking the silence, he reached in his bag to show me the evidence.

“Gemeiner unhold!” My wings flared wider as I prepared to lunge. “Bei dir haben!”

“Screep!” Snatching up the cookie in his mouth, he dropped like a rock as I jumped to tackle him, his back hooves scrabbling at my tummy as he slipped under me. “Kotzbroken!”

He bolted as soon as he hit the ground, bursting out of the pantry and splatting a passing cook with the door. I hit the pantry’s back wall and pushed off with a kick to chase him, but it sent me flying through a bunch of hanging pots. The mess was ginormous, the yelling was fierce, and my prey slipped away unnoticed as all the cooks decided to close in on me.

“No! Stop! You’re letting him get away! Scree-eeee! Scree-eeee! Scree-eeee!” Flailing my limbs like a true soldier, I opened up enough space to break through and continue the chase. I slammed myself through the door and skidded around the nearest corner—wailing like a banshee all the while as I followed his trail of cookie crumbs.

Hah! Criminal scum! Try and hide from all of us!

I bared my fangs in a grin as the rest of the Night Guard began to mobilize at my voice. Several poor rookies scrambled in front of me as they tried to get in on the chase, but I always leapt and scrabbled over them before they could get in the way. Soon, my force was twenty strong, while others tried to flank from the intersecting halls; my heart pounded in time with the thundering hooves around me, and I finally spotted the foal turning down a dead end.

“Screeeeee!” I shrieked my triumph to the heavens as I rounded the corner. “Hühnerblut!~ Hühnerblut!~ I have you—”

Slamming through the final set of doors, I stopped cold at the sight of his cookie crumb trail stopping cold.

“—now?” Looking left and right showed no other doors for him to flee through. It was only a matter of time.

“There they are!” My back up had finally arrived.

“Where?!” I turned around grinning eagerly as everypony walked up to surround me. “Wha? No! I’m not the one you’re looking for! You’re supposed to go after the cookie thief!”

“I don’t know about any thief—” The leading lieutenant frowned. “—but I see a very naughty filly trying to wake half the castle up.”

Oops?

I squirmed, shrinking in as they got closer. “But— But—“

“No buts. No mutts. No coconuts. Now come here so we can help you find your parents.”

“Thank you, gentleponies, but t’will not be necessary. Return to thy posts and We shall handle this.” The entire room—myself included—kissed the ground as Princess Luna entered the room with her personal guard, a small smile on her face as she lifted me up and onto her back with her magic.

“But Princess—”

“Calm thyself, Lieutenant.” Luna snuck a giggle out of me by tickling me as she let go. “We are more suited to this task than thee. Her father is one of our personal guard. Isn’t that right, Major Mettle?”

“Aye, Princess.” To the left of us, Dad saluted and my stomach sank. “Although, her father is likely to regret letting her wander. His orders were very clear when he brought her to work today.”

“Oh?” The princess‘s smile grew hungry like the sun. “Far be it from Us to contradict thee, Major Mettle, but I remember his only order today being to loosen up a little: it is not his fault his Princess ordered it so. Mayhaps We should make his punishment light.” She waved the remaining Night Guard away. “Did you not hear us? Back to thine posts.”

“Yes, Princess!” Snapping a salute, the others stopped staring to quickly retreat through the door.

“Now then, Major Mettle.” The Princess’ grin went from hungry to starving. “About your punishment. We were thinking something along the lines of a few million laps around the throne room. Tis most entertaining to see thine sweaty, chiselled flank in motion.”

Now that we were alone, Dad snorted and rolled his eyes. “Mercy has been a horrible influence on you if that’s your idea of entertainment, but whatever you say, Princess.”

Princess Luna tittered, distracting me with tickles so I wouldn’t need to hear all their cootie talk. “Thou knows We meant nothing by it. Unlike fair Mercurial, We have no interest in settling as thine second wife. Tis a shame We couldn’t have returned sooner, but we are fine with playing aunt. Isn’t that right, Nightingale?”

I tried not to laugh as she turned to blow a zerbert on my tummy, but it was hard when she had centuries of practice.

“Now why were our guards chasing thee, hrmmm?” The princess struck again when I bit my lip and looked away.

“Screeheehaahaahaa!” Squirming to get away, I managed to get back, gasping for breath as I stood at attention. “I was— I was hunting your cookie thief, Princess!”

“Truly?” Princess Luna brushed a few crumbs off of my chest, and my whole body burned black with shame as both she and Dad chuckled.

“I’m not lying!” Shrinking in on myself, I tried and failed to defiantly stare back. “I just… had to check for forgeries after the last time he got away….”

The Princess looked over to Dad, eyes twinkling. “What say you, Major?”

“Well, Princess, the evidence seems to speak for itself.” I pouted up in full force, making Dad give a thunderous laugh. “Given what she gets up to at home, though, I say we let it slide and believe her this once.”

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” I bounded over to give Dad a hug before freezing at the sound of the Princess squeeing. Dad coughed as the squeeing got louder the longer I stood there, and I scrabbled back into position to salute.

“Well, then. Report your findings, cadet.” Dad nodded for me to be at ease.

“The thief’s been getting into the pantry through several holes in the infrastructure, sir! Perpetrator is a male, thestral colt, age eight to ten! Small frame! Thin limbs! One chipped fang! Ash colored coat with a jet colored mane!” I scrunched my face up as I struggled to think of anything else. “He kinda smelled like guano!”

“Thank you, Squire Nightingale. We believe that is enough.” The Princess shared a look with Dad. “Art thou thinking what We are thinking, Major?”

Dad growled out a few of his favorite words under his breath. “Maybe, maybe-not.” He got on his knees and frowned down at me. “Oi. Half-pint. This is important, okay? You said he smelled, right? Are we talking like, a ‘no baths for a month’ kinda smell? Was his coat really grimey?”

“Uhhhhh….” I scrunched my face really hard. “I dunno. The only time I actually got close to him was when he got away in the pantry. Why?”

Dad shook his head and smiled, ruffling my mane even as I squeaked in protest. “Don’t worry about it. Chance’s are somepony else just brought their kid to work.”

“We are not so sure.” Princess Luna ruffled her wings, looking around the room warily. “Where did thine chase lead thee, young Nightingale? Can you show us where you lost him?”

“I didn’t lose him, though!” I puffed out my chest. “I kept chasing him all the way here!”

“So he should still be here, then?” Dad joined the Princess in eyeing the room.

“Yeah!” I couldn’t help but bounce around. “Isn’t it great! I cornered my first perp!”

“Yes, Night. Very good.” Dad let out a few clicks as he ruffled my mane, his ears flicking at the sound of an empty room echoing back. “I’m not picking up on anything, Your Highness.”

“In the old days before our banishment, it was not uncommon for thestral foals to be shadow jumping by now.” Princess Luna shook her head. “Especially with the orphans. Nowadays, the world is not so dangerous as to demand that, but if he is without parents….”

“S-say what?!” I stopped mid bounce. “But he can’t… That’s not… He’s gotta have somepony, right?”

“I’m having trouble believing it myself.” Dad’s growl echoed out of the chimney as he stuck his head inside it. “He could just be a runa— Hello, there. What have we got here? Princess Luna?

“Yes, Major?”

“I can’t decide if it’s brilliant or stupid, but the perpetrator appears to be using the chimney system as a series of tunnels.” Dad whistled as he craned his head deeper inside. “There are hoofmarks in the ash lining the walls, and the little bugger is actually small enough to squeeze into the chute when it narrows down.”

The last of my pride burst as the Princess sighed.

“Most assuredly an orphan or a runaway, then; we do not know which is worse. We shall assign a few of the Guard to start discreetly watching the chimneys. The next time he attempts to break in, Major, make sure he is apprehended so We can see which it truly is.”

“Yes, Your Highness!” Dad and I both saluted, our eyes darting to the chimney with a frown.

Next time, I was bringing back up.

“Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiight… why are we doing this?” Echo’s whiney squeak lived up to her name in the cavernous hall as we stuck to the few remaining shadows. “I’m tired, and everything’s too bright, and it’s the weekend! We should be sleeping in!”

“Shhh!” My ears flicked at the assault as I kept watch on some passing Day Guard. “Any louder and the Guard’ll be on us!”

“Day Guard can’t hear squat, and you know it, Night. See! See me yelling!” She waved at a passing soldier from our hiding spot. “Hey! Mister Sunblasted Daydweller! Over here! Come and get us ya big arschgeige!”

“Oi! Stop being batty!” Hastily pulling Echo pack, I checked that she hadn’t been seen, my hoof jamming into her mouth to cut out her protests. “You’re being loud enough to wake the dead, and the Day Guard aren’t the only Guard, you know! Do you want a bunch of grumpy Night Guard finding us?” I waited for Echo to shake her head before smiling and removing my hoof. “Then stay quiet for now. I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Yeah, yeah…” With a pout, Echo followed me as I resumed slinking along. “You just better be up for posing whenever we’re done with this.”

“I practice standing still for fun; I can handle a couple hours waiting for you to carve a hunk of rock.”

“Think you’ll still be saying that after being grounded for a week or two?”

“Hey! I left a note!”

“You aren’t supposed to leave notes when you sneak out!”

“We aren’t sneaking out. We’re— We’re—” I bit my lip, pulling up short before the next bit of cover. “Nightmother help us, we are sneaking out, aren’t we?” My voice cracked downward as realization set in.

“You only got that now?” Dragging me the rest of the way, Echo had to slug me a few times to snap me back to attention. “Hey! Equis to Night!”

I blinked as Echo actually managed to sting my shoulder with the last hit. “Dad is so gonna kill me….”

Echo snorted. “At least you’ll get ice cream for ‘acting your age.’ I’ll be stuck sucking old MRE’s.”

“Hey! You know I don’t like when they—” Both our ears flicked at the sound of approaching hoofsteps, and we huddled further behind the giant vase we were using for cover.

“See that, Spearbutt? Another empty hall! What did I tell you?” As a pair of Day Guard rounded the corner, one elbowed the other in his barrel.

“I’m telling you I heard somepony.” The other guard looked up and down the corridor with a frown.

“Spearbutt? Screeheeheehaahaa!” Echo let out an extra-high pitched giggle as she peeked out further from behind the vase. “Who names their foal Spearbutt?!”

Quickly shoving my hoof in Echo’s mouth again, I scowled ferociously at her and held a hoof to my lips for emphasis.

“Well, there isn’t anypony here that I can see. Come on, Spearbutt. You don’t honestly think that little rat with wings could get past me, do you?”

“That little ‘rat with wings’ has been running the Night Guard in circles looking for him, so yes, I think he’s perfectly capable of sneaking past the two of us.”

“Look, Spearbutt—”

“Call me Spearbutt in public one more time, Scuttle Bucket, and you’ll be licking your own damn bucket clean tonight.”Both guards snorted and stared each other down until Spearbutt sighed. “Let’s just get back to our post before the patrol comes back around.”

“Fine, but only if we make a pit stop. There’s a nice, sturdy broom closet on the way back, and you’ve got me wanting to clean some buckets.”

“Discord damn it all. This is exactly why you shouldn’t call me Spearbutt at work.”

The rest of their conversation fell into whispers and white noise as they rounded the corner, but with a bit of waiting, we were rewarded with the sound of a door slamming.

“You know they call it a stealth mission for a reason, Echo.”

“Puh-lease.” Echo kept on giggling like a loon under moon. “I’m not the one who almost got us caught.”

“Excuse me?” I huffed.

“You’re the one who went all daydweller. That never woulda happened if you’d kept your voice up.” Finally settling down for a moment, she caught her breath for a moment before bursting into giggles again. “Seriously! What kind of names are Spearbutt and Scuttle Bucket?!”

Keeping the hall the guards had gone down in the corner of my eye, I led our advance once more. “They’re just a couple of bootcamp callsigns.” I hoofed her a book from my saddlebag without looking back. “The Official Equestrian Guard’s Master Manual, page 142, Chapter 4: It’s Not Hazing If It Makes You Amazing.”

“Of course you brought the book.” Echo sighed, grumbling as we rounded the corner onto the homestretch for our destination. “Sucks all the sunblasted fun out of it.”

“Mission first, fun later.”

As we finally reached the kitchens, we were almost swatted by the door as an enormous cake on a gleaming silver cart burst through the door. I poked my head through the door, and saw the coast was clear, leading us from counter to counter until we got to the pantry at last.

“Ohhhhh… cookies….” Echo licked her lips as she climbed inside and saw the royal cookie jar.

“You can drop your voice if you want, now. The cooks never hear anything.” Checking the floorboard from the other night, I found the culprit had already loosened it back up. “Excellent. He’s been through here recently. Time for you to shine, Echo.”

“Mrrrgrmff?”

I looked back to see Echo cramming cookies down her throat. “Hey! We’re here to catch the thief, not help him!”

“Mrfff!” Echo hastily swallowed and gave me a sheepish smile. “Sorry,... What do you need me to do, though?”

I blinked. “Didn’t I already tell you?”

“It’s hard to listen when you’re dragging me through a market full of solfire and daydwellers.”

“Oh… right. Well, I need you to get a map of his hoofprints so we can comb all the chimneys for that stupid, cookie stealing colt!”

Echo stared at me for a moment before shaking her head and flipping the cookie jar back open. “Really, Night? I’m gonna get nothing but MRE’s for Luna knows how long after today.

“But— But— I can’t do it myself! You’re better at clicking than me!”

“Mrgrmff. Didn’t say I—” Echo crunched down on another hooffull of cookies, making me flinch. “—wasn’t gonna do it. I’m just gonna—mrgmff—have some more cookies first. Mmmm. These are soooo good. Screehee!”

“But—” I wilted under Echo’s stare. “Fine….”

“Besides, we can always blame it on the cookie thief.”

Unable to keep myself from gaping at the very idea of such a dastardly deed, I was helpless to resist when Echo shoved one of her ill-gotten gains down my throat instead of hers. She frowned when I didn’t close, though, and it fell out, breaking into a crumbly mess on the floor.

“Five second rule!” Diving quickly, she scooped it up and shoved it back in, closing my mouth with her other hoof this time.

“Aaaack!” I flailed back, choking on a second serving of villainy and vanilla.

“There! Now you’re an achompliss! No turning me in!”

Growling as I got back up, I bared my fangs and tackled the giggling criminal, pulling her down with a squeak and wrestling with her. She fought me off for a whole two minutes, but I managed to pin her in the end like I always did. As I laid there, waiting for her to tap out, she instead managed to twist a foreleg free and boop my nose.

“Got your snoot!” Sticking her tongue out, she blew a raspberry at me.

“Criminal scum. That’s thieving.” Booping her back, I rolled off her and stood back up to stretch. “So you good?”

“Mayyyyybe.” There was one last telltale crunch. “Okay, I’m good. Point me where I’m looking, Captain.”

“M’not a captain, and you know it.” I blushed blacker than Nightmare Moon and nudged her over to the loose floorboard. “Pretty sure the only two ponies who’ve been under here are me and him, so that’ll make it easier for you.”

Echo stared into the hole before her intently. Her face scrunched in concentration as she looked over its construction. She clicked a few times from outside just to get a feel for the pantry, and then she leaned in to stick her head in the underside to let out a few more before going in for the kill. Her final few clicks were sharp as a sword and as loud as a banshee—the sounds ricocheting back and forth over everything—and she pulled back up looking smug.

“Got him.”

“Yes! I knew you could do it!” Pumping my hoof, I ran up to hug her. “Now we just gotta track him down!”

“Yeah, about that.” Echo pointed up to the back of the pantry, and I heard a familiar hiss.

“You gotta be kidding me.”

“Eenope. One of the boards up there is loose, too. Five bits says that’s where he’s been hiding the whole time.”

“Meine kekse! ” The bloody bugger dove us before I could read him his rights. He shot right past me to tackle Echo through the door, howling like a loon under moon and hissing like a bat out of Tartarus.

I jumped after them, joining the fray and plowing us through somepony’s lunch. Marinara and mushrooms went flying everywhere as the three of us wrestled for dominance; Echo bit me as much as she bit the little wriggler, while I was stuck clawing her whenever the jerk twisted out of the way.

“Mamma mia, not again! Somepony fetcha the Guard!” The cook we had bowled over wailed as he saw his perfect, hoofmade noodles smush themselves beneath us.

The looming threat of capture only energized our rampage, and we carved a path of thunderous carnage through every pot and pan we could reach. The kitchen was left with dark, bloody stains as we were finally wrenched apart—hissing and screeing and baring our fangs.

And then even more guards poured into the kitchen, the voice of our doom making me instantly flinch and shrink in.

“Nightingale Mooncrest! What in Tartarus are you doing out of bed?!”

At first I thought it couldn’t get any worse. We had taken our baths in silence, and Echo’s dad had come to pick her up. She gazed miserably at me from his back as they flew away, and I figured Dad wouldn’t be far behind with that look—the ‘I know you’re better than this’ one that always made me curl up and die inside.

Dad didn’t show up, though, and Mom dragged me back into the Castle. Marching me through the halls with barely a glance, she dragged me along in full blown Guard mode.

And so it was that I came here: the throne room.

The solar throne room.

Seat of the Everhungry Sunwitch.

“Mom?” I gave a shrill squeak as the door groaned open in agony. “Mom, I get it. Please, anything but this.”

Stoic and stony faced, the Guard beside me gave no signal that she’d heard my plea.

“P-please?” Halfway open, the doors spat hungry all-consuming flame into my face. I hissed as it burned right through my sunglasses, and I was forced to look away. “I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! I promise!”

“Ah, there you are, Morning! I was just about to call the cavalry. Coffee breaks don’t normally—” There was a pause in which the witch’s gaze fell on me, and my coat burned black at its very touch.

“Oh, I see.” Princess Celestia’s teeth left spots in my eyes as she smiled. “Hello there, little one. Are you the rapscallion who’s been causing havoc in the kitchens? I heard you made quite the mess out of the last of the mushrooms the germane ambassador gave me.”

With a gulp, I clung to Mom’s legs as she walked us in, some of her tenseness fading as she ran a hoof through my mane.

“One of them, ma’am. The other will be along shortly.”

The Princess arched her brow. “There were three ponies in the report, Colonel.”

“A parent already came to retrieve the last, ma’am. He expressed his sincerest apologies, and asks that you give any charges you wish to press on his daughter to the Night Court.”

I winced. Poor Echo….

“This one—” I flailed and clutched at Mom as she pushed me forward. “—is my daughter, and I wish to profusely apologize for her behavior. She does not normally act like this.”

“So I’ve heard.” Tittering into her hoof, the one and only sunwitch lit her horn to pull massive curtains over the windows. “I hope you find that more to your liking, Nightingale?”

“Screep.”

“You know, I’ve heard a lot about you these past few months.”

“Screep?!”

“Yes, indeed, my sister speaks very fondly of you and your father.”

“Screep!”

“And don’t even get me started on what your mother says behind closed doors.”

“Scree-eeep?” I poked my head out of my hooves and looked up.

“For ten long years, she’s been the tightest lipped guard I’ve had in centuries. Thought I’d never get her to open up. Lo and behold, though, one day my sister comes to me with a tale of a dashing young guard and his daughter.”

“Princess, is this really the time?” Mom gave a terse cough.

“And she just waxes poetic about this fine stallion for hours.” The Princess sighed. “Oh, it was so cute. It was like her first crush all over again.”

“Princess, really.” The cough was a little more violent this time.

“She was so heartbroken to find out your father was already taken! I’m honestly surprised she didn’t challenge your mother to Schattenkrieg for him; heavens know, it wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Princess, I must insist!” Even as Mom pulled me back towards her, I looked up, mouth gaping.

“And then I found out who your mother actually was! Luna was so beside herself, the poor dear, I had to pry your mother’s name from her by introducing her to ice cream.” Princess Celestia shook her head, chuckling. “Imagine my surprise to learn my most rigid and rule adherent guard was a doting mother and wife! It was the perfect weapon to finally disarm her with in one of the lulls during court.”

“What’d she say?! What’d she say?!” I tried to bounce forward, but Mom had me in a vice grip.

“Well—”

The doors to the throne room slammed open to admit a sweaty, hissing pile of Guards dragging in the cookie thief. He fought like he was possessed by Nightmare Moon herself, but they eventually threw him next to me and Mom where he cowered before Princess Celestia.

“Iss mich nicht! Iss mich nicht!”

There was a long, awkward pause.

“Well… this complicates things, but at least that answers if he’s originally from Canterlot.” Princess Celestia hrmmed as she looked down at the quivering colt. “Even the wildest rumors in the Undercity don’t have me eating thestral foals.”

“Princess, permission to speak freely?” Mom snorted as she glared at the thief.

“Granted.”

“I’ve been to a few of the colonies with my husband, and even they don’t think you— that you—” She looked away with a hiss.

“You think he hails from the north, then?”

“He might, but if he’s from Die Heimat, the chances of finding his parents are almost zero. You know how they are with outsiders—Equestrians especially.”

“Luna might be able to—”

“Your sister is dead to them. Remember what they did to the messenger you sent them after she returned?”

“It wasn’t the worst response we’ve ever gotten….”

“It is hard to get much worse than plucking a pegasus naked and forcing him to walk home through five hands of snow, your highness.”

“I’m aware, Colonel. They were also nice enough to cancel the blizzard they had scheduled.”

“Nice! You call that nice! Those bigoted jack—” Mom bit her lip and glanced at me for a moment before she went back to scowling at Princess Celestia. “They don’t let anypony in, and they rarely let anypony out.”

“I suppose I should know better than to get my hopes up. What would you suggest, then? Because an orphanage won’t do.” She gestured down, and the colt flinched. He was mumbling nonstop about hungry witches and fiery demons, peeking up every so often only to squeak and duck under his hooves again. “He hasn’t said a single word of equish yet. He’s going to need guardians who can give him their full attention.”

My head kept snapping back and forth between Mom and the Princess until it was clear the silence was going to last a while. Ear flicking at a small sniffle, I turned my focus back on the thief, and I inched away from Mom while she muttered bad words to herself.

“W-wie heißen sie?” I squirmed as he looked up with wet streaks of fur running down his face.

“Sie verstehen?” His shaking settled down a little.

“Ja.”

He was silent for a moment as he wiped his nose. “Ich— Ich heiße Silberzahn.” With a wary look at me, he reached into his saddlebags to pull out a smushed looking cookie and hold it out to me. “Keks?”

It took a lifetime of training to not scowl at him as I took the cookie. “Danke. Ich heiße Nachtigall.”

“Wird die sonnenhexe dich auch essen?” Pulling out several more pieces of evidence, he began twitchily nibbling them.

“I do not eat ponies, little one.”

“Screep!” Both of us jumped when Princess Celestia lowered her head between us.

“It seems you two are already on the way to becoming friends.” The Princess’ smile burned a radiant white. “A wonderful use of my cookies if I do say so myself. What did he say his name was?”

“S-silver Fang, Ma’am!” I look from my half eaten cookie to the princess with wide eyes before shoving it in my mouth and licking away all traces of my tampering. “He made me do it!”

“Yes, quite.” Her smile grew only wider. “You’ll be happy to know I’ve decided your sentence.”

“I’ll—” I gulped. “I’ll take whatever punishment you command.”

“Good.” Levitating a pair of cookies from Silverfang’s hoof, she hovered them before us. “You see these cookies?”

“Y-yes, Princess?” My life flashed before my eyes; I could barely make out the cookie of doom.

“I want you to eat it.”

“W-what?”

“Life’s better when you share, don’t you think? These cookies were baked with more ponies than me in mind.” She levitated the stolen goods closer. “They’re my friendship cookies; I always give one away whenever I have dinner with a foreign dignitary, and little Silver Fang here is a foreigner a long, long way from home.”

“I don’t… understand?” Taking the cookie, I bit my lip and looked up.

“He really needs a friend right now, Nightingale. I can’t be one for him, but I’m hoping you can.” She booped my nose with a hoof as big as Dad’s, and I reared back onto my rump with a whinny. “You are both officially pardoned for any and all imaginary crimes to the crown.”

“Larceny and disturbing the public peace are hardly imaginary crimes.” Mom saluted as she came back from the door to the throne room. “A team of pegasi will see we get the necessary paperwork in the hour, but I’m sure Major Mettle will know somepony more suited for long term care. Is there anything else, Princess?”

“For me? Oh goodness, yes.” The Princess tittered. “My work never stops, but I’ve got other guards who can take care of those particular tasks. You are hereby relieved of duty for the rest of the day, Colonel. Your orders are to go get some ice cream, go home, relax, and to explain to the little ones here just what is going on.”

Mom sighed as she gathered me and Silver up and nudged us towards the door. “If that’s what you wish, Princess.”

“He’s not gonna be my brother, right?” My protests were almost drowned out as Silver tried to strangle me as he attempted to keep an eye on every guard at once as we left.

“No, Night.”

“Then why’s he coming home with us?” I tried to squirm out of his clutches, but Silver was having none of it.

“It’s complicated, Night.”

“You always say that.”

“And it’s always true.”

“Is grownup stuff ever not complicated?”

“That’s a very good question that I wish I knew myself.”

“That wasn’t answering me.”

“No, it wasn’t. Do you want ice cream or not?”

“Yes.”

My ear flicked as I heard Mom and Dad land at the door with a fwump, and I grinned evilly at the unsuspecting and enraptured twins before me.

“What happened next?!” Red fluttered his wings as he crawled forward.

“Yeah?!” Thunder joined him until they were both shoving each other out of the way to hear me first. “How come we don’t have a cool big brother to steal cookies with?!”

“Isn’t it obvious? The sunwitch changed her mind when he just kept stealing, and she ate him and all his thieving cookies up. Screeheeheehaahaaheeheehaahaa!” My cackling made Dad pause with the door half open. I winked at him; he winked back, and he and Mom snuck their way in to stand behind the twins.

“Pfft! Princess Celestia wouldn’t do that!” Red puffed out his chest and stomped his hoof.

“Oh wouldn’t she?” I signaled Dad to sneak closer and grinned like a loon under moon. “The last thing that thief ever heard was the monstrous rumbling of the sun’s ever-hungry stomach.”

I waggled my brow, and Dad let loose a deep, soul-shaking growl that left Red dangling from his brother on the ceiling.

“You three want to see something really scary?” Tempered pulled Morning close with a hoof, his foals gathered around with wide eyes. Then, as one, they kissed long and hard.

“Groooooss!” We ran like the Sunwitch herself was upon us, tails between our legs.

“And the smoochies will last forever!”

Author's Note

Just a one shot for now. Still mulling over the sequel. Might do a few more of these. Who knows? If I do make more, though, I'm tempted to start a group just to organize them.