Shining Armor paced up and down the halls of Twilight's crystal castle, squeezing his buttcheeks as hard as he could, both to keep them from clapping together and to keep the massive turd in. She never labeled the doors! How was he supposed to know which door was the bathroom?!
He tore open the nearest door. Almost instantly, he was buried in a pile of collapsing brooms. Erupting from the mound, he quickly used his magic to put the brooms back and slam the door shut. He blazed to the door across the hall and ripped it open.
Beyond the door was a tiny little table illuminated by a hanging light bulb. Five mice in suits and sunglasses were playing a shady game of poker around it. They looked up in unison as the door entered.
"Sorry," Shining Armor apologized, and slammed the door shut.
He quickly put on a befuddled expression. After attempting to solve the questions running in his head, he shook his noggin in growing frustration and desperation and ran to the next door in the hallway. He grabbed the handle and ripped it open.
"Hey, Sully, did you hear something?"
"I dunno, Mikey, want to check it out?"
Shining Armor instantly slammed it shut. He breathed heavily against the door for several moments before he began to gallop once more.
"Why does Twilight have so many doors?!" he demanded incredulously. He skidded past the next door in the vast hallway before trotting hopefully back up to it.
After he put an ear to the wood panel, he pulled it open gingerly. And, to his surprise and relief, the throne room was within.
"Oh, thank Celestia!" he breathed in relief. He quickly sat on the throne and concentrated.
The thing was, though, there was already a rancid smell in the bathroom. His nostrils scrunched up. It was awful! Fearing the worst, Shining Armor sat off the toilet and peered within its stale depths.
Shining Armor's face deteriorated to one of utmost horror and disgust.
"Who…" he whispered, stuck to the ground in fear. "Which ungodly being could have created such a…"
He struggled for words, but none came. How was it possible? There was no freaking way to properly describe the utter log that had fermented in a puddle of clear liquid. How could it even fit through the U-bend?
The longer he stared at the gargantuan formation, the more scared he became. If he were to flush, would he clog it? It looked so solid! And firm! And wide! Was it even possible to have a butthole that wide? And then, if he did do it, what would he do to release his bowels? But on the other hoof, if he didn't flush, he would just be adding to the problem. And it would just make the job harder if he wanted to clear it later!
The longer he waited in anguish, the more indecisive he became. He was considering getting a meat tenderizer from the kitchen to break it up when he happened upon the thought to simply remove it from the toilet.
He enveloped the massive dripping thing in his magic and levitated it out of the porcelain mouth. Quickly opening the door to the bathroom, he hurried to the nearest window in the hallway, slammed the sash open, and flung it out like a discus.
There came a clang from outside. "What the-?!"
As Shining Armor sped back, he tried to find the right door once again. Unfortunately for him, the door had closed, and he was nowhere near where he had started from.
Right before he exploded with pent-up rage, he remembered something. Twilight had a master bedroom; she had shown him as much! So that meant she had a bathroom in there! And he remembered where Twilight's bedroom was, out of all the things in the infernal castle.
He sprinted, almost, to the nearest set of stairs and ran up three at a time. Once he reached the top, it was just a manner of picking the correct direction, and on the fourth door on the right, almost skidding past, he aimed himself for launch. He charged right at it and blasted the door open like a firefighter in a burning building.
Lying prostrate on her large bed was Twilight, caught in a rather compromising situation. Blushing beet red, but with a devilish smile on her face, she scooted back under her covers.
"What are you doing in here, bro?" she coyly asked, jabbing a sopping wet hoof at him. "I thought-"
"Where's your bathroom?!" Shining Armor demanded of her, sprinting over to her. "I need it really badly!"
"Oh?" Twilight responded, faux-innocently. "Well, I'll tell you something I need really badly. I need your big, long-"
"WHERE THE HECK IS YOUR BATHROOM, TWILIGHT? I NEED TO TAKE A CRAP!"
Twilight's face cracked in disappointment. "Uh, just to the left."
"Thanks," he rushed out. Before he entered her restroom, he froze and slowly rotated to face Twilight, a horrified expression plastered on him.
"Were you just… right now, were you…"
Twilight, somewhat shamefacedly, wiped her hoof on the sheets. Then she affixed him a pleading gaze. "Please don't tell mom!"
Shining Armor gave her a look of disgust before just sighing and going into her bathroom.
Twilight, after a pause, continued from behind the bathroom door. "Weren't you going to screw me?"
He looked back in utter shock. He felt like he had been hit by a bolt of lightning. "What?!" exploded Shining Armor.
"You know… I would plead for you not to tell mom, and you'd promise that you won't, but only if I screwed you in return. That's how this is supposed to work, right?"
"Ew! No!" he shot back, sticking out his tongue. "Gah!"
"I know you too well, bro," she tried to seductively say. All it did was make Shining Armor uncomfortable. "I know that you have nothing better to do with your pent-up urges than to jerk your little shimmy until you scream for the moon!"
Shining Armor's face contorted into one of absolute distaste. That was terrible! What on earth was Twilight thinking?! That just made it even worse!
"If you don't shut up I'm going to- Gah! What are you, Queen Chrysalis?! That's not how the Twilight I know acts!"
"Why aren't you on board with this? Why aren't you acting like a porno usually works?!"
"I'll ask you something!" retorted Shining Armor. "Why don't you know how to flush the toilet after you've crapped in it?!"
"That wasn't me!" Twilight defended.
"Well, it was freaking one of us!" he returned. He groaned and sat back on the toilet. "And why was it green?"
"First off, you have no proof I did that!" Twilight started. "Second, I had no idea eating Pinkie's new kale-encrusted cupcakes would do that to me!"
Shining Armor felt his stomach convulse. A bit of bile rose up into his throat.
"And, uh, you may be wondering why it was really hard, right? For the last three weeks I've eaten nothing but pastries and coffee as research snacks. I had really hard poos as a result. Sometimes it, uh, leaves cuts. Small ones. But hey, at least that means I can handle anal now, right?"
Shining Armor's mind was working on overdrive. So many mind-melting, awful things had happened in only the past few minutes that he was unaware if this was reality or simply a melting pot of someone's insane imagination.
The thoughts were so bad and churned so much, he actually was feeling weak in the knees as he tried to poop out what he had left in him. He eventually decided to vomit onto the tile. A lot.
When he was done, he didn't have much energy at all. He just moaned.
"...Hey, you all right in there?" Twilight nervously asked.
His head was fuzzy. And he was feeling himself slump down, drooping off the toilet, until he really did fall off and hit his head on the vomit-slick tile with a bang.
Lying on the floor of the bathroom in his own vomit, Shining Armor's vision turned black.
Gradually, his vision returned to him. He could hear the clopping and whinnying of horses, smell the crisp winter air, as he was bumped and jostled around. As his eyes became clearer, he was able to take in more of his surroundings.
He was sitting upright in a cart. And he was being pulled by another horse. Which was strange enough. But what bothered him the most was that his hooves were tied.
Wide-eyed, he glanced around. All he could see from his limited perspective was two bound people sitting across from him, with a fourth man gagged right next to him.
People. Not ponies.
Shining Armor felt himself constrict in fear.
"Hey, you," said the man right across from him. "You're finally awake."
Author's Note
I am not sorry.
