Author's Note

This chapter has been edited to hopefully fix some of the issues it had previously. Enjoy, my friends.

The Part Where Anon Doesn’t Have Fun.

Golly gee, I sure am having a positively wonderful time here in Equestria! Where the sun is always bright and the locals always accepting! Where I could become anyone and anything!

Ah yes, wonderful Equestria. The very same place where a lanky—thicker than a snickers—white pegacorn raises the sun and flying ponies control the weather.

Where instead of spending my pastime playing video games, watching movies, or looking at memes, I instead get to do fun things like; watching paint dry! Or; watch on helplessly in silent horror as a monster tramples it’s way through my house every other week!

That’s sarcasm by the way!

In reality this shit is straight wack...

Not only am I literally the ONLY human on this god forsaken planet of technicolor ponies, but I’ve also been KIDNAPPED by a bunch of small—slightly adorable—bug ponies, who as of this moment, have informed me that the reason I was ripped from my wonderful bed in the middle of the night, was because their QUEEN wanted to SUCK the LOVE out of me...

One week. One week of easy living, that’s all wanted! One week of sleeping for more than three hours, while not having to worry about massive bears breathing down my neck. One week of not dealing with that psychopathic book pony. One week of not dealing with the fuckery that is Ponyville. But no...

Now I’m being threatened with molestation from insects. Perfect...

Like, ok, these ponies can be a little cute at times. But in no way NO how, would I ever want to stick my gentlemen’s sausage in ANY of them...

I just don’t dig pony pussy man.

Oh, who am I? Name’s Anon. I’ve been in Equestria for all of... Two months or so? And if I were to describe myself—from what everyone else thinks of me—I’m an absolute alpha male who don’t take no shit from nobody...

Who TOTALLY doesn’t cry whenever someone even slightly raises their voice at me, no that would be absurd!

...Ahem.

I’m also pretty fricking smart! If that BuzzFeed IQ test I took a couple years ago has anything to say about it. And I mean, come on! Everyone knows that BuzzFeed is always the correct source for one hundred percent, authentic—scientifically backed—non biased information!

Shit. I’m rambling...

Where was I? Oh, right! Anyways, life sucks currently! I’m stuck in some dim lit cave prison, with a patch of fluorescent mushrooms being my only source of light. It certainly looked like a dungeon you’d molest someone in, but at least it didn’t smell like it.

But, I’m at least thankful that the grime from the cell didn’t do much to dirty my suit. The last thing I needed was for a certain fashionista to beat the green out of me, because I ruined the very first—tailor fitted—Human suit.

In other words, shit’s expensive, yo!

I’m sitting on some weird bed, it was black and sort of felt like soft plastic. Shit was weird. But at least I wasn’t chained to the floor naked with my legs spread or something...

God... I’m making myself shiver. Bad thoughts! Go away!

I shook the horror away from my brain before I could spook myself into an early grave, and peered out through the bars of my five star hotel room.

I couldn’t see any other prisoners, which is a good sign?

Actually, wait... That probably means that they’re dead.

Oh yikes, this ain’t good Chief.

I don’t really know what to do. Maybe I’ll just wait?

But then that’ll just give them more time to come up with disgusting, depraved things to do to me, and although I’m quite the kink master, I’d rather not have those two words associated with the bedroom waltz.

And I especially don’t want horse sex to be thrown into the mix either.

Wait...

Footsteps...

Someone’s coming.

That’s not good, they’re probably here to take me to their queen B...

I mean, someone will come to save me before they get me, right? Yeah. Twilight will notice that I’m not in the library. Hell, she probably already sent a search party for me.

For a split second I actually felt kinda scared... Hah...

What if no one comes? What if they’ve abandoned you?

Pfft... I’ll be fine. Even if Twilight doesn’t notice that I’m gone, Sun Cheeks and Moony Dunes will...

...Right?

...

...

...

Any minute now...

...

...

...

They wouldn’t leave me here. No way...

...

...

...

Oh god, I’m not ready to be turned into a sex slave! I’ve never even seen the Aura Borealis, or the Great Wall of China! I never learned who Joe was...

I haven’t finished watching JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure...

Oh god no. Not JoJo...

I could feel the tears brimming, my heart retching as I finally realized what I had left behind. What I’d never see again.

I smashed my fits into the floor. Frame quivering as I belt out a yell.

“Jojo!” I burst into tears.

I’ll never see those stand poses ever again. Never get to finally watch season three... Oh god, is this what sadness feels like? It feels like someone took my heart and dragged it through boiling tar!

I grit my teeth, my emotions taking a total one-eighty and now I’m angry!

Screw being sad, If the Great Depression was so great why wasn’t there a second one!?

NO, Think! What would Joseph Joestar do!?

I could feel my fingers tense as I looked over every detail of the room, trying to find something, ANYTHING, that could help me escape. And then I realized it was fruitless, there was no way I could get out of this. Unless I used pure unadulterated muscle and brute force to make my way out...

You know what. That might work... If this world is full or magic, what’s to say I can’t harness it? I’m not gonna be ANYONE’S little bitch, especially not some tiny bug pony’s bitch!

I could feel my resolve strengthen as my fists clenched.

I will not become a tool of
Pure sexual gratification for these adorable bug ponies. I will FIGHT! To my last breath!

...

Speaking of breath, it’s kinda getting hard to breathe...

Actually now that I think about it. Is everything kinda getting darker, or is it just me?

Holy, I’m kinda sleepy all of a sudden...

Maybe a nap wouldn’t be so bad...

Just a couple of minutes? And then I can bust out my stand? Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!

...just a little nap.

Queen Chrysalis didn’t know how to react to this... situation. So instead, she blinked slowly while staring at the one who’d given her the news.

“What?” She said after a few moments of silence. She was befuddled.

The changeling in question cleared his throat before repeating what he said.

“The human.” He coughed. “We went to retrieve him as you asked. But when we approached his cell he was just... Sorta standing there? Staring at the wall-“

He shifted on his his hooves.

“-...and he was breathing in and out really fast, and then his face went red and he passed out?”

The queen shook her head and spoke once more.

“No. I understand that, but why?Who does that? Was he honestly so terrified, that he feinted?”

The changeling—Jitter his name was—rubbed the back of his head. Before responding.

“Well, actually... He seemed pretty angry when he was looking at the wall. Almost as if he was about to attack it, but then he just passed out?” He finished with a shrug.

Chrysalis blinked again.

“So he was so overcome with rage over his capture that he-“ She coughed.

“..Had an anxiety attack?” She continued.

Jitter simply shrugged once more.

The queen brought her hoof to her temple and thought for a minute.

“Huh... Well. Get the apothecary and... Make sure he’s still alive I guess?” She finished in a confused tone.

Jitter nodded.

“It will be done your majesty.”

He flew off towards the dungeons shortly after.

The queen leaned back against her throne. Her eyebrow quirked.

She whispered softly to herself.

“That’s... Interesting?”

Ponies feinting in fear is nothing new to the Queen, but anger? That’s certainly something new...

...Perhaps she got more than she bargained for.