Anon Gets Abducted By Bug Ponies

by KetamineKarl

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Drama, Changelings, Anon, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure, Sex, Profanity
Length: 3377

Anon is NOT having a jolly time in Equestria, but that might have something to do with being in some changeling hive as their prisoner, deep below ground. Just a thought.

Anon had been in Equestria for about two months, before he was ripped away from everything he loved and held dear...

That being his sweet king sized bed and all his stuffed animals, in the middle of the night. By some weird bug ponies no less.

He was having such sweet dreams...

(Author’s note: sex tag is used because of suggestive themes. Also, I haven’t written anything in two years, go easy on me, yuh?)

Published 2019-07-13 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-11-07 07:20:39 UTC

The Part Where Anon Doesn’t Have Fun.

Author's Note

This chapter has been edited to hopefully fix some of the issues it had previously. Enjoy, my friends.

The Part Where Anon Doesn’t Have Fun.

Golly gee, I sure am having a positively wonderful time here in Equestria! Where the sun is always bright and the locals always accepting! Where I could become anyone and anything!

Ah yes, wonderful Equestria. The very same place where a lanky—thicker than a snickers—white pegacorn raises the sun and flying ponies control the weather.

Where instead of spending my pastime playing video games, watching movies, or looking at memes, I instead get to do fun things like; watching paint dry! Or; watch on helplessly in silent horror as a monster tramples it’s way through my house every other week!

That’s sarcasm by the way!

In reality this shit is straight wack...

Not only am I literally the ONLY human on this god forsaken planet of technicolor ponies, but I’ve also been KIDNAPPED by a bunch of small—slightly adorable—bug ponies, who as of this moment, have informed me that the reason I was ripped from my wonderful bed in the middle of the night, was because their QUEEN wanted to SUCK the LOVE out of me...

One week. One week of easy living, that’s all wanted! One week of sleeping for more than three hours, while not having to worry about massive bears breathing down my neck. One week of not dealing with that psychopathic book pony. One week of not dealing with the fuckery that is Ponyville. But no...

Now I’m being threatened with molestation from insects. Perfect...

Like, ok, these ponies can be a little cute at times. But in no way NO how, would I ever want to stick my gentlemen’s sausage in ANY of them...

I just don’t dig pony pussy man.

Oh, who am I? Name’s Anon. I’ve been in Equestria for all of... Two months or so? And if I were to describe myself—from what everyone else thinks of me—I’m an absolute alpha male who don’t take no shit from nobody...

Who TOTALLY doesn’t cry whenever someone even slightly raises their voice at me, no that would be absurd!

...Ahem.

I’m also pretty fricking smart! If that BuzzFeed IQ test I took a couple years ago has anything to say about it. And I mean, come on! Everyone knows that BuzzFeed is always the correct source for one hundred percent, authentic—scientifically backed—non biased information!

Shit. I’m rambling...

Where was I? Oh, right! Anyways, life sucks currently! I’m stuck in some dim lit cave prison, with a patch of fluorescent mushrooms being my only source of light. It certainly looked like a dungeon you’d molest someone in, but at least it didn’t smell like it.

But, I’m at least thankful that the grime from the cell didn’t do much to dirty my suit. The last thing I needed was for a certain fashionista to beat the green out of me, because I ruined the very first—tailor fitted—Human suit.

In other words, shit’s expensive, yo!

I’m sitting on some weird bed, it was black and sort of felt like soft plastic. Shit was weird. But at least I wasn’t chained to the floor naked with my legs spread or something...

God... I’m making myself shiver. Bad thoughts! Go away!

I shook the horror away from my brain before I could spook myself into an early grave, and peered out through the bars of my five star hotel room.

I couldn’t see any other prisoners, which is a good sign?

Actually, wait... That probably means that they’re dead.

Oh yikes, this ain’t good Chief.

I don’t really know what to do. Maybe I’ll just wait?

But then that’ll just give them more time to come up with disgusting, depraved things to do to me, and although I’m quite the kink master, I’d rather not have those two words associated with the bedroom waltz.

And I especially don’t want horse sex to be thrown into the mix either.

Wait...

Footsteps...

Someone’s coming.

That’s not good, they’re probably here to take me to their queen B...

I mean, someone will come to save me before they get me, right? Yeah. Twilight will notice that I’m not in the library. Hell, she probably already sent a search party for me.

For a split second I actually felt kinda scared... Hah...

What if no one comes? What if they’ve abandoned you?

Pfft... I’ll be fine. Even if Twilight doesn’t notice that I’m gone, Sun Cheeks and Moony Dunes will...

...Right?

...

...

...

Any minute now...

...

...

...

They wouldn’t leave me here. No way...

...

...

...

Oh god, I’m not ready to be turned into a sex slave! I’ve never even seen the Aura Borealis, or the Great Wall of China! I never learned who Joe was...

I haven’t finished watching JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure...

Oh god no. Not JoJo...

I could feel the tears brimming, my heart retching as I finally realized what I had left behind. What I’d never see again.

I smashed my fits into the floor. Frame quivering as I belt out a yell.

“Jojo!” I burst into tears.

I’ll never see those stand poses ever again. Never get to finally watch season three... Oh god, is this what sadness feels like? It feels like someone took my heart and dragged it through boiling tar!

I grit my teeth, my emotions taking a total one-eighty and now I’m angry!

Screw being sad, If the Great Depression was so great why wasn’t there a second one!?

NO, Think! What would Joseph Joestar do!?

I could feel my fingers tense as I looked over every detail of the room, trying to find something, ANYTHING, that could help me escape. And then I realized it was fruitless, there was no way I could get out of this. Unless I used pure unadulterated muscle and brute force to make my way out...

You know what. That might work... If this world is full or magic, what’s to say I can’t harness it? I’m not gonna be ANYONE’S little bitch, especially not some tiny bug pony’s bitch!

I could feel my resolve strengthen as my fists clenched.

I will not become a tool of
Pure sexual gratification for these adorable bug ponies. I will FIGHT! To my last breath!

...

Speaking of breath, it’s kinda getting hard to breathe...

Actually now that I think about it. Is everything kinda getting darker, or is it just me?

Holy, I’m kinda sleepy all of a sudden...

Maybe a nap wouldn’t be so bad...

Just a couple of minutes? And then I can bust out my stand? Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!

...just a little nap.

Queen Chrysalis didn’t know how to react to this... situation. So instead, she blinked slowly while staring at the one who’d given her the news.

“What?” She said after a few moments of silence. She was befuddled.

The changeling in question cleared his throat before repeating what he said.

“The human.” He coughed. “We went to retrieve him as you asked. But when we approached his cell he was just... Sorta standing there? Staring at the wall-“

He shifted on his his hooves.

“-...and he was breathing in and out really fast, and then his face went red and he passed out?”

The queen shook her head and spoke once more.

“No. I understand that, but why?Who does that? Was he honestly so terrified, that he feinted?”

The changeling—Jitter his name was—rubbed the back of his head. Before responding.

“Well, actually... He seemed pretty angry when he was looking at the wall. Almost as if he was about to attack it, but then he just passed out?” He finished with a shrug.

Chrysalis blinked again.

“So he was so overcome with rage over his capture that he-“ She coughed.

“..Had an anxiety attack?” She continued.

Jitter simply shrugged once more.

The queen brought her hoof to her temple and thought for a minute.

“Huh... Well. Get the apothecary and... Make sure he’s still alive I guess?” She finished in a confused tone.

Jitter nodded.

“It will be done your majesty.”

He flew off towards the dungeons shortly after.

The queen leaned back against her throne. Her eyebrow quirked.

She whispered softly to herself.

“That’s... Interesting?”

Ponies feinting in fear is nothing new to the Queen, but anger? That’s certainly something new...

...Perhaps she got more than she bargained for.

The Part Where Anon Meets The Queen - Part 1:

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Part Where Anon Meets The Queen - Part 2: Electric BUGgaloo

Author's Note

It begins...

The Part Where Anon Meets The Queen - Part 2: Electric BUGgaloo

The hive’s Queen shuffled on
her rather uncomfortable looking throne and clapped her hooves once, before speaking directly to me.

“Excellent, now that you’re no longer screaming and scaring away my little Changelings with your colourful language, we can get down to business.”

Well, I guess they’re called Changelings, Huh.

The scary Changeling Queen who’s named Chrysalis—which I only know because she announced herself—is currently speaking to me. And hell, maybe I would be responding!

If I wasn’t currently gagged. Goddam stupid kinky bugs.

The thing blocking my mouth was made from some kind of hardened green goop, which I could only hope wasn’t something undesirable.

I guess they don’t want me capitalizing on the whole; “any last words?” Thing that villains usually have.

Damnit.

Is this really my life now? Has all of my life choices been leading to this moment? Is god punishing me for my sins, for my mistakes? Oh, Christ. Is it because i masturbated?

...It’s because I put pineapple on pizza, isn’t it?

Yeah. That’s probably why. Lord forgive me for my sins! The dark temptations were too strong for me!

Damn, Someone must have been cutting onions in here. NO I was NOT about to cry!

There was just something in my eye.

I saw Queen Chrysalis’s ear twitch before saying something else. “If I take that gag off, will you speak with me at a normal speaking level?”

I nodded.

She narrowed her eyes.

“...Without out screaming?” She asked.

Hey, I don’t scream, I let out bellows of pure unadulterated rage!

Despite the slight against me, I nodded once more.

“Good, it’s better if that mouth is used. And I am going to use it to get what I need Mister Anonymous.”

Oh fug, this is it...

I totally didn’t start shivering.

She did a little hocus-pocus with her weird bent horn, and all of a sudden I felt the obstruction around my mouth dissolve.

Cleary I needed to make a better first impression, maybe she would show mercy on my poor virgin soul.

“Please be gentle...”

Ok. That works, I guess.

“...Ok?”

Her nose wrinkled and her eyebrow rose.

“What do you mean be gentle?”

I cleared my throat and answered the question.

“Be gentle? For when the whole... You know... Raping starts?”

The Queen’s head jerked back and she wrinkled her nose in disgust. Her face scrunching up like a parent who just came upon their basement dwelling child’s hidden manga collection.

“...What?” She looked disgusted, and confused.

Now it was my time to do a confusion.

“...You know... The whole... sucking me of my love, thing?”

She blinked her eyes, before they widened.

Huh, I didn’t know these changelings could change colours, cool!

“T-That’s NOT how that works!” She looked embarrassed.

...Kinda cute, not gonna lie.

I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Well the smaller ones said you wanted to suck all my love away! How else is it suppose to work?-“

I pointed a finger at her before continuing

“-Because via my white hot sticky love would be the only way you’d be getting any and I don’t do horse pussy—especially weird bug horse pussy!” I concurred.

She turned green. However the hell that’s possible.

“...I- I would never! And de-definitely not with you! especially not with you... I take your love just by being in your proximity!” She practically screamed.

I cocked my head in confusion, before going on the defensive and taking a few steps away from the throne, my eyes narrowing. “Well then what are you going to use my mouth so... extensively for?”

Somehow, her face went even greener.

“I just wanted to ask a lot of questions, that’s it, you fool!” She hissed in what seemed like embarrassment.

I hummed.

“Well... I’m not sure I believe you... I am pretty damn drop dead gorgeous if I do say so myself.”

I graced her with a very masculine flex and pose.

“I understand completely.”

She hissed again.

“You’re so full of yourself!”

Hey!

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-confidence. And I only kiss my bathroom mirror twice a day!” I crossed my arms.

She shook her head, looking down at the floor.

“...I’m made a grave mistake bringing you here.”

I sniffed. “Then why don't you take me back?”

She shook her head, again, before saying something else.

“Because despite being insufferable I still need you to answer my questions. I know you were close to Celestia and Luna...” She trailed off.

“Oh, Sunbutt and the Goth Queen? Yeah, go way back!” I trailed off, reminiscing off all the memories we had together, now long since faded with the passage of time.

She looked up to me in slight confusion.

“...but my scouts said you’ve only been here in Equestria for two months?” She said.

I scoffed. “Yeah, Like I said; Way back!”

She looked kinda sad all of a sudden.

She placed her hooves against, what I assumed were her temples and whimpered.

”Oh sweet mother, what have I done to deserve this?”

...

...

...

Hey, I was right! She is depressing...

Well at least I’m not actually gonna be turned into a tool for someone else’s pleasure...

...Nice! Things are already looking up.

The Part Were Anon Topples a Government.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

The Part Where Queenie Has a Mental Breakdownenie.

“-and after a long night of Booze Cruising, Celestia and I decided to switch Luna’s sugar powdered donuts—her favourite by the way—for ones that were instead covered in baby powder. Which may have almost ended up causing Luna to nearly execute the maid that usually serves them because; get this—she’s allergic to baby pow-“ My heartfelt tale of loss, love, mystery, and adventure was brought to an abrupt end, when a large *THUMP* sounded within the room.

My eyes snapped open, which had previously been closed due to the immersion I had been feeling while telling the glorious fable of old, of which I could remember nearly every detail of with near super human clarity. Almost as if it had happened a few days ago...

My eyes were focused on the ceiling, my feet kicked back on the table in front of me, my chair leaning against the wall. I took a breath and levelled my sight towards where I heard the sound. “Who dares interrupt-“

“Please stop...” Queen Buggy had her face planted on the table, she let out a shaky whimper, before she continued with speaking.

“You’ve been talking for hours and yet you still haven’t even told me a single thing!” She slammed her hooves on the weird table, causing it to warble slightly. She hissed out her other words.

“When I asked for you to tell me everything. I didn’t mean TELL ME EVERYTHING!... I don’t want to know your morning routine, Or what you did three weeks ago on a cold Sunday afternoon! I just want to know about the Princesses and their damn castle-!”

She let out another sad sound. “I wanted to know their schedules, not their favourite kind of tea!”

Well that’s dumb...

“...Well that’s retarded.” I said, not unlike a true man of ultimate knowledge. I then shifted in my seat and threw a thumb over to Jitter, who was watching us from the corner.

“Do you not have spies? Kinda redundant to kidnap me and waste resources spying on me when you could’ve done it to the princesses instead.” I shrugged.

The Queen looked frustrated. “I’d have done that it if I could, you dolt!” She slammed her hoof on the table again... Which made me jump.

“...But ever since that damn pink Hussy and her stupid wedding, the Royalty has had runes that read magic signatures placed all over the castle, they’d pick my drones out before they even made it past the castle gates!” She yelled.

I hummed while stroking my chin in thought. “Sounds like plot armour to me-”

“Enough!” I was interrupted. “I can’t take another word from you!” She slammed both her hooves to her head in anger, looking like she was about to lose her mind.

“You were suppose to be my Ace, My one chance and getting back at the Princesses and saving my Changelings from a fate worse than death!” She wailed.

“-And you can’t even tell me a rough estimate at what time their guards switch posts? I- I’m...” She choked out a sob.

“I’m a failure!” She collapsed her face onto the table, covering her head, as if trying to hide from the world.

Oh shit, it just got super weird in here, and now i’m very un-comfy. I don’t like sadness, sadness is gross...

She let out another cry and I flinched. God damn it, now I got to make her feel better. My resolve hardened in an instant.

If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s icky sadness!

Plus, I don’t want to sit in this room, with her bawling for hours on end. Seriously, her tears are starting to form a puddle on the table, how the hell can such a tiny horse make so much water?

I stood up from my chair and strolled towards the disheartened Queen with confidence in my step, once I reached her end of the table, I stopped and poked her covered head.

“Please... no more... I can’t, not again...” Her voice rattled, cracked, and every pause was met with a small sob.

Fuck I made the weird pony Super Sad.

How the hell do I keep doing this shit? I sighed, and tapped her on the shoulder. “Hey, let me look at you for a sec.” I said softly.

To which she growled pathetically and snapped her head up to look me in my eyes with her red, sad ones. “Why? So you can mock and torment me some more!?” She laughed, but it was hollow.

Then she slumped.

“...Just let me wallow in peace-“ She was interrupted, because I wait for no one.

“Nah.” I said.

She winched, her ears flattening like how a beaten dog’s would have. And then I booped her odd tiny looking nose.

She gasped softly, her eyes crossing to follow where my finger had landed.

Good...

I smiled wolfishly.

“You activated my Stand.”

Now it’s time for the big guns.

I showed her no mercy, no reprieve, and gave her no time to even think about my next move, before I launched into a full out assault.

I took my finger away and used both my hands to pet, caress, and run through her- surprisingly fuzzy, ears. scritching and scratching in every spot I would with a dog, I smooshed her cheeks together, and hell...

I even pat her head...

She stood no chance, she fell to my attack with a coo, clearly not being able to withstand a move with such power and magnitude behind it.

She practically melted into my hands as I continued my brutality, with only one goal in mind...

To prove a point.

A point that I- ‘Anon the Conqueror’- Could tame any evil, any kind of sadness, with just a simple touch...

And boy did I prove it all right. As from this day, til’ the end of days, I was known across the lands, across the seas, across the globe, as the man who-

“This is better than love...” I was snapped out of my plans of world domination by the Queen. Who looked pretty out of it right about now.

I raised a brow, before shooting my gaze towards a very confused and uncomfortable looking Jitter.

“...So does this make me your King now, or something?” I said.

Truly, the worlds greatest diplomate.