Motivational Speaker for Hire!

by theanonymousbrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Grogar, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Other, Cozy Glow, Profanity, Random, Violence, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2106

Grogar decides that the only way to get his trio of baddies to cooperate is by hiring a profesional motivational speaker...but he has to settle with Matt Foley instead.

Fed up with Tirek's, Cozy Glow's, and Chrysalis' bickering, Grogar realizes that the only way that he'll be able to get through to them is by having them listen to a motivational speaker. Using his powerful magic, Grogar summons a motivational speaker from an alternate world. The good news is he succeeds; the bad news is that he summons the one speaker who lives in a van down by the river.

Published 2019-07-14 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-14 04:30:01 UTC

Say Hello to Matt Foley

If this doesn't get those three to work together, I'll have to wait even longer to conquer Equestria. The blue ram known as Grogar thought to himself as he was making his way to address his three underlings of his next attempt to get those three to function as a team. As he moved ever closer, his ears picked up what sounded like his three minions performing a musical number together; but the moment he walked in and saw those three, they had stopped singing and went back to arguing with one another. It was at this point that the blue ram had finally lost his patience.

"Enough! I had hoped by now you would've resolved your differences, but apparently not."

"Perhaps if we knew what the plan was, we would be better able to prepare!" the former queen of the changelings known as Chrysalis complained.

"Assuming you even have a plan." Lord Tirek voiced his doubts to his overlord.

"I was planning on sending you three to fetch my Bewitching Bell." Grogar confided to the three of them. "But at your current states I doubt that either of you could even pull it off! Which is why I've resorted to an alternate solution that just might work." The three villains were now paying attention with great interest. "With the help of my magic I managed to summon forth a creature from an alternate world whose main purpose is to deliver encouraging words that'll hopefully get you three straighten out."

"Golly Mr. Grogar," the pink pegasus filly known as Cozy Glow spoke up, "you didn't have to go through all of that trouble just for us."

"Spare me your mendacious appreciation." The blue ram scoffed at the filly's act. "As we are speaking this creature that I've summoned has been in your rest area, stuffing his face in all of the cupcakes you've made. When he comes in here, I expect all of you to give him your undivided attention."

"And should we refuse?" Chrysalis wondered.

"You could either listen to someone lecture you about teamwork, or you can all perform another musical number for my amusement." Seeing the flustered expressions on their faces was all Grogar needed to know that they would rather go with the former option over the latter. Turning back where he entered, the blue ram had raised his voice loud enough to send an echo through his fortress. "Creature! You may come in now!" When he settled himself behind his table that held his crystal ball, that's when the sound of stomping footsteps were picked up by his--and his three servants'--ears.

Once the creature finally stepped into the light, the three evildoers were shocked to see that it's nothing more than a mere, overweight human male with orange hair that's been greased with gel, and wearing thick glasses, a white collared shirt with a green tie around his neck and a blue and white plaid sportscoat atop of the shirt, light brown khakis with a belt fitted around his gut so tightly that it made it look as if it would burst any moment, and dress shoes.

"Howdy Doody!" the human shouted as if addressing a crowd in a stadium, while he adjusted his trousers with a firm tug and spread his legs in a squat position as he stood before the three villains. "Allow me to introduce myself! My name is Matt Foley, and I will be your motivational speaker for today! Before we get started I'd like to tell you all a little about myself; first off, I am thirty five years old, I am thrice divorced, and before Mr. Goat poof me up here with his magic, I was in the middle of picking out toe jam, in a van down by the river! Now Mr. Goat has informed me about your failed attempts at world domination and like to get back on the saddle; I'm sure you're all probably thinking 'Hey I'm gonna go out and hold the world in the palm of my hands and stuff every living thing into my pocket like pennies!' Well I'm here to tell you that the moment you walk out of Mr. Goats' abode, that the only place you'll all be ruling over, is the kingdom of JACK SQUAT! And the only thrones you three will be sitting on are going to be the car seats, in a van down by the river!"

That's when Matt walked up to the red and black centaur. "Well aren't you the big muscular type! I bet you could crush my head like a grape with one hand!"

"You certainly make it tempting," Tirek quipped and earned himself a hearty laugh from Matt.

"How do you like that, strong and funny! Of course, your little joke isn't nearly as funny as the two times you got your horse rear end handed to you by them ponies!" Tirek's smug smirk quickly collapsed into an unamused frown. "First you try to take over Ponyland without your brothers' help, and ya end up getting sent to prison! Then you try to take over again with the help of a friend, but then you decided you didn't want his help anymore only to end up getting sent back to prison again, until Mr. Goat decided to bail you out! So unless you start to clean up your act and begin to be more of a team player, you're gonna get your butt whooped again and spend the rest of your life licking your wounds, in a van down by the river!"

I would drain you of your magic right now, but I'm too worried that I might get sick if I do. Tirek thought bitterly as Matt decided to turn his attention to Cozy.

"Now little lady, what exactly were you planning to gain by stealing everyone's magic?"

"Golly Mr., I only wanted to have everypony in Equestria worship me like a queen. Is that so bad?" Cozy answered with an overly cutesy expression on her face.

"Well aren't you just the sweetest little thing!" Matt replied as he readjusted his pants some more. "I'd bet everyone wants to hug you 'til your head pops or pinch your cute little cheeks 'til they turn red! Well CUT THE CRAP! Your little sweet and innocent ploy didn't stop that pony princess and the entire school from finding out what a little devil you really are; and I bet your parents must've been real proud of you when they heard that you got to share a cell with Mr. Dark and Gruesome over there!"

"I actually don't have any parents." Cozy admitted in a rare case of legitimate sadness.

"Well boo-FRICKITY-HOO!" Matt gave his trousers another tug. "Is this why you were stealing everyone's magic? Was it so you could fill in that big empty void inside your heart where the love of your mommy and daddy is suppose to be? Well GET OVER IT! My parents never even dropped me off at an orphanage, the only place they dropped me off was in a van down by the river!"

That's when Matt finally turned to Chrysalis. "Now if I remember correctly, Mr. Goat said that your name is Chrysalis."

"That's Queen Chrysalis to you, simpleton!" the changeling queen hissed.

"Well la-dee-FRICKIN-DA! We got ourselves a queen here!" that's when Matt walked up to Tirek. "Hey Horse Guy, I can't see real good, is that Cleopatra over there?" upon not receiving a response, Matt went back to Chrysalis while tugging his khakis a few more times. "I'll be honest, I had no idea that bugs could be queens!"

"Well I had no idea that pigs could walk on two legs and wear clothes," Chrysalis shot back with a sordid retort.

"Oh my, aren't you a feisty one!" Matt said in a flirting manner. "That really turns me on! How'd you like to be my new wife?"

"Despite how inflated you are, I doubt you could even keep me fed for even a day."

"You know, you remind me of my ex-wives, in that you would suck the ever life out of me 'til I'm dried up! Now before you ended up hitting rock bottom with Mr. Ed and Shirley Temple, Mr. Goat told me you had it all: power, subjects, the whole kit and caboodle! That is until all your subjects decided to stick it to ya and be friends with them ponies! So unless you can work together with these two, then you're gonna find yourself becoming the queen of a van down by the river!"

After finishing speaking individually to all three villains, Matt decided to move to the next step. "Alrighty, now that we've established what a bunch of losers you all are, let's get straight to helping you become a team! The only solution to this is by going through some exercises; now for the first one, we'll need...um...let's see...ah, this'll do just nicely!"

The moment his fingers lifted up Grogar's crystal ball, the blue ram didn't hesitate to voice his objection. "Lay down my crystal ball, at once!"

Not taking his eyes off the ram, Matt calmly asked him, "Mr. Goat, do you want these three to work as a team?"

"Yes."

"And is accomplishing that goal more important to you than this ball?"

"I suppose so."

"Then why don't you just let me do my job, sit down, and CLAM UP?!" with that said, Matt began tossing the ball up and catching it with both his hands, while looking at Tirek. "Now Horse Guy, I'm gonna throw this ball to you, and I want you to catch it! Alley-oop!" he then let the ball slip from his hands as it collided into Tirek's grasp. "Good! Now pass it to Queenie!" the centaur sent the ball over to the changeling queen, as she encased it in her magic. "Great! Now pass it to the little cutie!" Chrysalis hurled the ball with a little too much force at the flying pegasus, but not enough to make her lose her grip. "Bravo! Now pass it to me!" when she tossed it back to Matt, the motivational speaker began hopping up and down in a spaz attack of enthusiasm. "Yes, ya did it! You all passed the first exercise!" he was so hysterical that he ended up losing his footing and fell flat on his back so quick and hard that it made the crystal ball slip from his hands and went flying towards a nearby wall, the impact of which filled Grogar's lair with the sound of shattered crystals. "Oops!"

"You ponderous ignoramus!" Grogar roared. "Do you have any idea how rare crystal balls are to come by?!"

"Not to worry Mr. Goat," Matt tried to ease his anger while sweating with fear, "it's nothing that can't be fixed! In fact, why don't we make this our next exercise? So while you three gather all these pieces, I'll go get some glue!"

Before he could even take one step, he found his coat being pulled by the blue ram's magic. "I have a much better idea." Grogar then addressed his underlings. "For your next exercise, I'd like you three to show this pathetic excuse for a creature a whole new meaning of pain and suffering!"

Intrigued by the idea of performing bodily harm to their speaker, Tirek, Chrysalis, and Cozy, stared straight at a trembling Matt Foley with malicious intent. "Now come on you guys, let's not get off on the wrong foot, because I actually like you three! I'll let you all move into my van with me!" when that offer failed to deter the three villains from wanting to hurt him, Matt resorted to another solution. "LOOK, IT'S THAT PONY PRINCESS WHO KEEPS BEATING YOU!" upon removing their gazes from him, Matt immediately bolted straight into the nearest wall as a makeshift exit, leaving behind a large hole in the shape of his body, while running as fast as his legs can let him.

"After him!" Grogar shouted to his three minions.

With the centaur, changeling, and pegasus filly trailing behind, Matt was panting like a dog as he ran for his life while hoping that this is all just a nightmare. "There's no place like a van down by the river! There's no place like a van down by the river!" of course had he not have to run away, he'd probably be proud that his actions have resulted in his three pursuers finally working as a team, even if it involves them beating him to a pulp.