Equestrian Security SUCKS!

by Twilight Glimmer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1998

After Canterlot Castle is blown up, Twilight, Luna, and Celestia realized something that they should have noticed long ago. The Royal Guard SUCKS.

After Canterlot Castle is blown up, Twilight, Luna, and Celestia realized something that they should have noticed long ago.

The Royal Guard SUCKS.

(Takes place right before the MLP movie, when the castle was changed.)

Featured from April 3rd to April 5th!

Published 2020-04-03 01:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-04-03 01:10:01 UTC

What Do These Ponies Get Paid For?!

Canterlot Castle was in ruins. Nopony really knew why the castle was in ruins, but there it was. A beautiful piece of architecture reduced to a pile of rubble. The castle’s inhabitants slowly got out of the rubble, surprisingly unharmed. Luna gave Celestia a deadpan stare. “Tia, if this is supposed to be one of your little jokes, I do not find it to be very funny.”

“I didn’t do this, Luna, I was, erm, working on writing tax law, when suddenly I heard a loud explosion, by the time I woke up, I was sitting on a pile of rubble.”

“Uh-huh, and by writing tax law, do you mean stuffing your face with cake?”

“What do you mean?”

“You have icing smeared all over your face.”

Celestia sheepishly wiped her face with her hoof. “I’m going to call Twilight.”

“Isn’t that what you always do?” Luna replied.

“She’ll probably help us in some way. Maybe she’ll find some spell in the castle library that can fix this whole mess!”

“What castle library?”

“Oh, right.”

“Looks like we’re going to need all the help we can get,” Luna muttered.

"So, let me get this straight," Twilight began, still trying to process the information that was just relayed to her. "While Luna was sleeping and you were doing paperwork, the castle just suddenly exploded and neither of you has any clue why." Luna and Celestia looked at each other for a second and nodded. Twilight couldn't decide which was worse, the fact that the princesses were so calm about the situation at hand, or that they thought that she was the best one to handle it. "Have you tried asking the servants, or the townspeople, or the guards if they saw anything out of the ordinary?”

“Not exactly,” Celestia admitted.

“Did you guys try doing anything yourselves before you called me?!”

“We got ourselves out of the rubble!” Celestia said. Twilight gave her a deadpan stare.

“We called you here to see if you could find a way to fix the castle,” Luna said. “My sister and I couldn’t recall any construction spells, we hoped you would be able to.”

"Well, I suppose I can try.” Massive amounts of energy began running through Twilights horn. Luna and Celestia watched in awe as an exact replica of Canterlot Castle began to appear. When Twilight finished casting the spell, she stumbled a little to catch her balance. The castle stood tall at a whopping 3 feet in height.

“Um, Twilight,” Luna said, “this looks more like a foal’s plaything than a home.”

“I’m so sorry. I only know how to construct things under 3 feet. Your castle is just too big.”

“It’s alright, Twilight. We can at least use it to show the construction ponies what they’re supposed to be building,” Celestia said.

“How about we try and figure out why the castle exploded while it’s being reconstructed?” Twilight suggested.

“That sounds good to me,” Celestia agreed.

“So you have no clue what happened?!” Twilight asked exasperatedly.

“I’m sorry, your highnesses, but I don’t know what happened that caused all of this,” the guard responded. Twilight sighed and turned to face the princesses.

“There are fourteen hundred seventy-three guards, and not a single one of them knows how the castle was destroyed!”

“Twilight, perhaps this is a lost cause,” Luna said.

“Maybe you’re right,” Twilight relented. Suddenly, she felt someone tugging on her tail. She looked down and saw a yellow filly with purple hair and big green eyes.

“Uh, excuse me,” the filly said. “I wanted to say sorry for blowing up the castle.” She looked at Celestia. “I didn’t mean it, I swear, it just sorta happened.”

Celestia looked at the filly. “You blew up the castle, Cheerful Breeze?”

The filly nodded. “Yes, your highness. It was an accident. I’m so sorry!” She was trembling at this point and had tears in her eyes. “Please don’t throw me in the dungeon!”

Celestia was beyond confused at this point. “How did you accidentally blow up an entire castle?”

“I was researching how to build a smoke bomb for science class, and I decided to build a vintage one to try and get some extra credit. I had heard ponies talking about how there was a secret room in the castle that contained numerous artifacts from previous wars, including weapons that stopped being used in battle because of technological advances. One day, I decided to ask a guard if what I had been hearing was correct. And he told me that it was true. There was a room that contained enough old weapons to win The 'Goumen ak Boom Boom Gwo' four times, and have a firework show afterward. He explained that it was a secret, and nopony knew where it was, but he said it was okay if I look for it."

"And he just let you in the private sectors of the castle?" Celestia asked.

"They asked me if I liked friendship, and I said yeah, then they just let me through."

"Well, I suppose I'll be having a talk with him tonight. Please continue."

"I spent a few minutes roaming the halls, then I found another guard. I asked him if he knew where the secret room was so that I could do my assignment. He smiled and handed me a map with the locations of all of the storage rooms in the castle. Then he told me that he hopes the map will help me with my project."

Celestia was beyond stunned at this point. "He had a map?!" she asked. Cheerful Breeze nodded. Celestia sighed. "So we've established a reoccurring issue. I'll need to address this even more so later, apparently. Go on."

"I made my way through the castle when I came down to a dead end. I was confused because the map said that there were nine storage rooms in that hallway. But luckily, I was able to figure out where the secret room was!"

"Wait a minute," Luna interjected, "if it was a secret room, then how were you able to find it so quickly?"

"I found a plaque that said 'secret room six paces east', but it was in a different language."

The three princesses glanced at each other, all equally bewildered. "And that would be?" Luna asked.

"It was in Bird Latin, your majesty."

"Bird Latin?!" The princesses exclaimed.

"Why would anypony write something like that in Bird Latin?! That's one of the most commonly spoken languages in the world!" Twilight remarked in disbelief.

Luna nodded. "Indeed, it is one of the few languages that is shared between the ponies, griffins, dragons, and even the yaks. Who would be so ignorant to use it on a sign that directs someone to a room full of dangerous weapons?!"

Realization dawned as Twilight and Luna turned to face Celestia, who was smiling nervously.

"Pray tell, dear sister, what compelled you to give instructions for our enemies to commit regicide?" Luna pressed.

"Well, ponies are always asking me to donate mementos to various museums and such, and I needed a place to store them where nopony could get to them so they won't get broken or stolen. So I ordered for the secret room to be built. Over time, I started getting more and more requests for contributions, and I didn't have the time to figure out which room was the one I was looking for, so I wrote myself some instructions. Besides, there are guards stationed there so that if anypony were to be snooping around in there, they would be stopped immediately."

...

"And where were those guards today?"

"They were on their lunch break?" Celestia suggested.

"Lunch was three hours ago," responded Twilight.

"And the Solar Guard traditionally has two standbys for every active station, so there should have been at least one pony, if not more to cover for him if he was taking a break." Luna pointed out.

If Cheerful had been uncomfortable before, it was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. She mustered up all the courage she held in her small body. "Pardon me, your majesties, but did you want me to finish my story?"

Celestia sighed. "Please cut to the chase".

"Okay then. I put the passcode into the magic lock, and no offense princess, but I hardly think 0000 is a secure code. Anyway, I opened the door and I was looking around at all of the cool stuff then I tripped and fell and-"

"Thank you, Cheerful Breeze. That will be all for now, but I will be speaking to your guardians about this in the coming days."

"Y-you aren't going to throw me in the dungeon?!" Cheerful asked nervously.

"Even if I wanted to, there isn't exactly a dungeon for me to keep you in right now. Now, go find your parents, they must be worried sick about you."

Cheerful nodded, bowed, then ran off.

"I knew you weren't exactly the greatest warrior back in the day, but I cannot believe that you managed to survive this long with this kind of security!" Luna shouted in disbelief.

"I wasn't that bad! And do you honestly think I approve of this behavior?!"

"Well apparently you do, you haven't bothered to fix it yet!"

"I'll be having a long discussion with all of the guards and the captains as soon as the castle is rebuilt. They will-"

"Name one time in the last decade where they were useful when they needed to be."

"Uh... Well, how about the... They certainly helped during the... Twilight! Didn't the guards help you look for Luna and I when the Everfree took over?"

"They helped a little, but they didn't exactly contribute much to the search party."

"And how about Chrysalis? They fell for her lies and allowed you to be captured. I never saw any of them attempt to stop Tirek, even before their magic was stolen. Then they let both of us get thrown into Tartarus. And that's just the big stuff! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've caught someone picking flowers from our garden, or sampling from the kitchen when the poor chefs have their backs turned. I've even found a pony sniffing my pillowcase once!"

"Maybe this is a bigger problem than I gave it credit for."

"You think?! I can't believe it's taken this long for you to see it!"

"Wait, Twilight, your brother was one of the best captains Equestria has ever had. Did he show you some of his techniques, by any chance?"

"Well, we sort of lost touch once he became captain. He's incredibly strong, and his shields are almost unbreakable, but as much as I love my brother, he wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box. I saw one of his spelling tests once, he put a 'd' in the word 'orange'."

"Well, I suppose he did have his off days."

"He took that test in ninth grade."

Celestia was stunned. "Am I really this bad at finding ponies to protect my country?"

"I suppose it's not entirely your fault," Luna assured, "maybe we need to up the training at the academy. Fifteen hours a day! They can sleep in the caves where they'll shiver enough to make sleeping a workout! They'll fight manticores to the death and drink the blood-"

"Will you settle for a basic intelligence test and mandatory three weeks of field training?"

"Deal!"

The two sisters walked off to discuss their plans for a useful set of guards. Twilight rolled her eyes and started her journey home. "I can't wait for the day the castle gets attacked by a pony," she thought.

Author's Note

Hope you all enjoyed it! I know there's many unanswered questions from the original, but that was an intentional decision. The third installment will happen eventually, until then, have a nice day!