Luna Never Went to the Moon: Equestria's Thousand-Year Swindle

by Rambling Writer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna
Length: 3803

The moon banishing was FAKED!

An Epic Exposé by Buck Haysing

Lies! Lies! Celestia has been feeding you a delicious smoothie of lies!

Luna never went to the moon! It was all a ploy between her and Celestia! They were trying to safeguard Equestria through a convoluted plan that involved no direct action on their part! It’s all so simple!

Buck Haysing, a manual writer for Thaumodyne, destroys lies, falsehoods, and personal space in his quest to expose the conspiracy. The smallest facts are dissected, analyzed, and twisted until they reveal the truth. Nothing escapes his notice, nothing is meaningless, and nothing is a coincidence. Wake up, sheeple! Wake up, sheeple!

(No apologies to actual sheep. If they didn’t want to be called sheep, they shouldn’t have been sheep.)

“Number one on my reading list!” —Drocsid

“I have no words.” —Princess Luna

“A most enlightening read… A fascinating glimpse into the minds of certain ponies…” —Sunbutt

“Nothing… is… fabricated… or… ignored… Exposes… vile… lies…” —Princess Twilight Sparkle

Written in honor of the 50th anniversary of Apollo 11. I hope you know how this honors Apollo 11, because I don’t.

Published 2019-07-20 15:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-07-20 15:10:02 UTC

Foreword

It has been estimated (by me) that roughly 1.39458205% of the adult population of Equestria doesn’t believe that Luna was banished to the moon. That means that most of Equestria is a potential audience for this book. Hopefully, once this book has been circulated, that number will grow. With luck, eventually all of Equestria will know about one of the biggest hoaxes in Equestria’s history.

While the moon banishing is gigantic, it actually takes a lesser place to such monstrous hoaxes as…

The Great Chrysalis Banishing!

The Great Tirek Banishing!

The Great Discord Banishing!

Plus banishings perpetrated by the Royal Court in the areas of enemy intelligence, angry cooks, incompetent zoologists, poor students, and on and on, ad infinitum.

So read on… Enjoy and be illuminated. As Cervantrot said: “Patience, and shuffle the cards.” I have no idea what it means, but it sounds neat.

Chapter 1

When Princess Luna returned five years ago, I was immediately skeptical. How could a pony, even an alicorn, survive on the moon for a thousand years? I brought up this issue with a few of my friends, other subscribers to Conspiracy Theorist Monthly, and they agreed with me once I had woken them from their alcohol-induced stupors. After all, I wrote manuals for Thaumodyne. I knew what I was talking about. Questions began nagging at me, ephemeral, ethereal, ecereal. Questions that the Court has never satisfactorily answered.

What evidence do we have that Luna ever went to the moon in the first place, beyond the shape of the Mare on the Moon that had been extensively documented for hundreds upon hundreds of years?

Is there any real assurance that Nightmare Moon had been purified by the Elements?

Why were Twilight and Nightmare Moon both going after the Elements?

Why had something last used a thousand years ago been lost to time?

Why are all of the Element Bearers now in positions of power or even princesses themselves?

Why did Luna’s purifying happen out of sight? Didn’t anypony else want to enter the incredibly dangerous forest where reality doesn’t work right?

Even though she had ample time to gather them, why did Luna not bring back any gold or jewels from the moon?

Why do so-called arcanic “experts” keep telling me that Luna was banished INTO the moon rather than TO the moon and saying something about suspended animation?

What the heck does “the stars will aid in her escape” even mean?

Why does Starswirl keep telling me to get off his lawn, he wasn’t around when Luna was banished?

From these questions came the only logical conclusion: Luna never went to the moon in the first place. Her turning into Nightmare Moon and subsequent purification were all faked, pretty lights we would watch while Celestia and Luna controlled things behind the scenes. And once that idea came into my head, well, the rest of the pieces fell into place easily. Chief among them, the Elements of Harmony and how easy it was to use them.

As a manual writer at Thaumodyne, I’ve seen magical devices fail all the time. The bigwigs and the Mare keep saying things about “prototypes” and “loose screws” and “hey you don’t have clearance this area is classified get out of here”, but I know how tricky they are to use. For example, the crystal turbine engine alone encountered dozens of failures before it was put into use by the Crystal Royal Express. And if it took that many tries for a simple engine, with mostly moving parts, to be perfected, how could a purely magical artifact also work?

And yet, somehow, a bunch of country hicks from Podunk, Nowhere manage to use the Elements of Harmony properly on the first try? Unlikely. It’s not like they were attuned to their respective Elements or anything along those lines. Obviously, Luna never needed their “help”; this was all planned between her and Celestia.

The complexity of the Elements of Harmony is shown in this diagram.
Failure of any one Element could doom Luna’s purification.

Sadly, the nature of the incident means it’s difficult to research. I attempted to visit the Castle of the Two Sisters, to examine the damage supposedly left by Celestia’s and Luna’s fight that surely couldn’t have been made worse by the passage of time in the middle of a hungry forest. But once I reached the location of the Castle, I found a gigantic crystalline tree-shaped building standing where the Castle used to be, with several individuals lounging around it. Was it really, as the yak taking a nap on the grass outside claimed, best treehouse not made by yaks ever? Was it, as the griffon and hippogriff necking furiously in the suspiciously well-furnished den claimed, a gift from the so-called “Tree of Harmony”? Was it, as the changeling studying on one of the balconies claimed, a symbolic representation of the happy memories collectively shared by a tight-knit group of friends? Or was it just a convenient way for Celestia and Luna to destroy what little evidence remained? The dragon flying around certainly seemed very determined to get me away from there as soon as possible.

These suspicions only increased when I knocked on the door to Princess Twilight’s castle (also crystalline — hmm…) and asked to see the Elements myself, for study. What sort of magic could they actually cast? The dragon butler who answered the door looked at me like I’d been living under a rock for the past decade, yet summoned Twilight anyway. Twilight claimed that she didn’t know the status of the Elements, as they’d been somehow in the Tree of Harmony when it was destroyed — not content to merely destroy the evidence, the princesses even destroy the cover-ups! — and she and her friends hadn’t been able to retrieve them from the clubhouse. Convenient, isn’t it? She even said I wouldn’t be able to see them anyway, since they were priceless, unique, irreplaceable artifacts, and she didn’t want me dropping them. At least that excuse was reasonable; it’s not like the Elements grow on trees.

But, of course, for further proof, one only needs to look at how quickly Celestia adjusted to the sudden presence of a new alicorn in the nation, as if she knew Luna was returning. Of course she knew; Luna never left in the first place. They had years, decades to plan it all out. And in spite of being out of the public eye, Luna had just as much experience with the modern world as Celestia herself. She simply disguised herself and walked among normal ponies unnoticed.

Of course, some of you are probably asking: “Why? Why would Celestia and Luna go to all the trouble of crippling the government for hundreds of years and creating false political upheaval?” The answer to that, my friend, is simple. Read on.

Chapter 2

Equestria seems peaceful now, but it was not always so. Hundreds of years ago, villains casually ran amok across Equestria, sowing chaos wherever they went (sometimes literally). Naturally, our dear princesses would have none of that. But as they kept smashing villains down and yet more kept popping up, they knew that something needed to be done. Something drastic. And would could be more drastic than Celestia hurling Luna straight to the moon like some magical fastball special?

If that seems insane, well, it is. Look at how easy it was for me to figure out it was faked. But at the time, nopony would’ve questioned it. Think about it: if Celestia is so dedicated to the safety of Equestria that she would hurl her own sister and confidant out of this world, what would she do to an actual enemy? Why do you think Equestria has existed for so long without wars? Is it because Celestia is a shrewd politician with more years of experience than most ponies have had hot meals, or because her enemies thought she would banish them to the moon if they didn’t fall in line?

Even better: with Luna apparently gone, she could run around Equestria however she wished, do whatever she wanted, striking at our country’s foes with the Elements of Laughter, Honesty, Loyalty, and Surprise. Surely, constantly patrolling an entire country couldn’t tax even an alicorn, could it?

I questioned a royal guard about this. He said he was just a doorstallion and didn’t know a thing about tactics, but I persisted. When pressed, he said he didn’t know a thing about the princesses’ combat capabilities, but their recent track record left a lot to be desired. (Which is saying a lot, coming from the Royal Guard.) I forged on. Were they out of practice? Equestria has been peaceable for centuries. Had Luna grown complacent from her easy victories beforehoof? Had Celestia put on a few dozen pounds from all that cake-eating? Perhaps I had touched a nerve, for this was when another guard showed up and chased me out of the barracks.

Regardless, it worked. Luna “returned” and, with her unable to patrol Equestria’s borders anymore, suddenly villains began showing up like clockwork, once or twice a season. This can’t be a coincidence. It’s not like two unrelated things ever happen at the same time. And with Luna taking up dreamwalking duties that hadn’t been held for centuries, it wasn’t like Celestia could appoint her Princess Protector of the Realm to do the exact same job and also give her a contingent of guards for assistance. No. Although the princesses had the foresight to execute this plan flawlessly for a thousand years, once it came time for the next step, they were hopeless.

The guards I talked to said this was improbable. The guards I talked to said Celestia and Luna could never be that incompetent. The guards I talked to said they were on lunch break and I shouldn’t follow them into restaurants. But could I expect any less from them? They were soldiers, devoted to the princesses by their mere job. Job loyalty is overrated; that’s why I don’t have any, even if it meant I got fired. (Selling those plans to General Arcanics was not espionage, it was reverse engineering!)

Of course, the simple nature of the hoax itself meant it was easy to fake, right from the start. Luna puts on a big show of becoming Nightmare Moon, prompting Celestia and her to fight — in a conveniently out-of-the-way location. Only Celestia emerges, with a sob story about having to banish Luna, for sympathy points. Luna stays out of the public eye. One millennium later, a bunch of random ponies are pushed to find the Elements of Harmony. An illusion makes it look like Nightmare Moon is purified by the Elements (and surely the “Bearers” won’t notice a thing; they’re just simple country ponies!). Celestia and Luna make up in the space of ten seconds and everypony’s happy. How quick. How easy. How fake.

And how did Celestia and Luna conceive of this plan? What thoughts were going through their minds as they executed it? My own speculation on that matter concludes this book.

Chapter 3

In the name of completeness, the conclusion is my own speculation on what sorts of words might have passed between the princesses over the years regarding their plans. What follows are exhaustively researched, period-accurate recreations of the conversations between Celestia and Luna regarding the moon banishment.

Luna burst into Celestia’s study, a several-feet-high stack of parchment levitating behind her. “Tia, we, like, totally have a huge problem, like whoa.”

“I know that, Luna, and I am-”

But Luna shook her head. “No, no, it’s way worse than that.” She plonked the parchment in front of Celestia and began reading from the first sheet. “Our reputation is not as tough as it once was. Have you noticed how villains have been popping out of the woodwork recently? Tirek last week, Sombra the week before, Chrysalis the week before that, Discord the week before that, the Pony of Shadows the week before THAT, Grogar the week before THAT… And that’s just on Saturdays. Why do the worst ones always come on Saturdays?”

Celestia sighed. “They take about an hour to defeat. I don’t see the problem.”

“The problem is that they keep coming.” Luna displayed a graph for Celestia. “This is the average number of villain attacks over time last year…” Another. “And this is the average number of villain attacks over time this year. Notice anything?”

After several long moments of examination, Celestia suggested, “You forgot to label your y-axes?”

“I’m being serious, Tia.”

“And so am I. If you hadn’t told me what they were, the dependent variable in both could’ve been your level in arousal.”

“…How would you even measure that?!”

“Don’t ask me. You’re the one who made it a possibility.”

Luna set Celestia’s mane on fire. Once Celestia put it out, Luna continued, “This already going down in history as one of the most violent years in Equestria’s existence, and we haven’t even reached the summer solstice yet. Can you imagine fillies and colts learning about this a century from now in history class and asking why everything went wrong in this particular year?” She dropped the parchment on Celestia’s desk and slammed her hooves down. “Something must be done, Tia. Something beyond playing whack-a-villain.”

“We’ve tried, Luna!” protested Celestia. “We’ve tried everything. Fire, drought, lightning, bureaucracy, cakes, songs, solar plasma, but nothing works! They’ll simply keep coming.”

“Not if they thought you would retaliate with overwhelming force,” Luna said, grinning.

Celestia frowned. “What are you suggesting?”

“Luna, this is perhaps one of the most imbecilic ideas you have ever had.”

Luna fired another blast through the walls of their old castle. The place needed some battle scars to look convincing. “…Are you incl-”

“Yes, I am including Weird Tuesday, may we never speak of it again.” Celestia shuddered. “So many chickens…”

“I told you not to attack them!” said Luna. “They are very protective of their own.” Boom. “Besides, how could this possibly be worse than that?”

“We’re going to pretend to send you to the moon for a thousand years so you’re free to be a black-ops one-mare-army while I look like I’m willing to do whatever it takes to protect Equestria. It’s not exactly a sane plan.”

“It’s simple, and simple plans are the best! Now, please help me level this place.”

Celestia rolled her eyes and her magic scythed through a stained-glass window. “And in the meantime,” Celestia continued, “I’ll have to handle your nightly duties in addition to my own. Thank you so much for that.”

“Kick some nobles in the rear and make them earn their rank. And if they don’t perform to your standards, threaten to strip them of their title. It always works for me.”

“And while I’m doing that, you-” A statue exploded, sending shards of stone pinging around the room and off the princesses’ shields. “-will be off gallivanting around the borders and other dangerous places, constantly engaging in battle against evil, risking life and limb every day.”

Luna squinted at Celestia. “Are you jealous?”

“NO.” An entire wall caved in beneath the might of Celestia’s magic.

“Obviously not.” Luna snickered.

With a pop, Luna appeared in Celestia’s study, grinning like a foal and smouldering from head to tail. A tiny flame still burned at the end of a stray hair.

Celestia looked up from the law regarding proper lumber distribution and raised an eyebrow. “Good day?”

“I smote so many fools!” Then Luna frowned. “‘Smote’? That does not sound quite right. ‘Smited’? No, certainly not. ‘Were smitten’? Oh, heavens to me, no. Hmm.” She shook her head and went back to grinning. “So many fools experienced a smiting!” Her horn glowed briefly and the smoke vanished. “They think that, with me out of the way, Equestria is helpless. Ha! If only they knew. A chimera lurking at the base of Canter Mount? Have a smiting! Windigoes encroaching on the Frozen North? Smitings for all of you! Chrysophylax trying to plunder Fort Bucks again? I have smitings in dragon size, too! Chrysalis attempting to invade the Badlands with an army of changelings? Don’t worry, smitings come in family packs! You get a smiting! And you get a smiting! And you get a smiting! EVERYBODY gets a smiting!” She threw back her head and cackled. Thunder boomed outside, baffling the weather pegasi in charge of the cloudless sky.

“Sounds good,” mumbled Celestia, looking back down. “Now, please; let me get back to this fascinating form about the proper way to transport logs.”

“Would you like to smite fools tomorrow, Tia?”

Celestia looked up again and cocked her head.

“It is simple.” A wave of magic cascaded from Luna’s horn; in a matter of seconds, an illusion of Celestia’s body overlaid her own, and when she spoke, it was with Celestia’s voice. “I know you well enough to do a passable impression. And with my ‘banishment’ mere weeks in the past, any discrepancies between my behavior and yours shall be chalked up to stress on your part. Nopony will be the wiser.”

“Perhaps not tomorrow,” said Celestia, grinning slightly, “but with a few days in advance to get things in order, this weekend would be nice.”

“The weekend it is, then. I shall save some fools so you can smite them properly.”

“Oh, Luna. If not for the secrecy, this arrangement would be working perfectly. And it has been for five hundred years, too! One of us patrols the fringes of Equestria and drives back enemies, the other handles royal duties, and nopony looks twice at the peace we’ve had ever since your banishment. We haven’t even had any risks with somepony figuring it out! Honestly, I didn’t expect it would go this well. Perhaps, in the future, we should consider fake-moon-banishing as a solution to similar pro-”

“Beg pardon, Tia, but what made you decide to comment on that now? What possessed you to say, ‘Hey, Luna. You know that plan we’ve been working on every day for the past few centuries and has been going flawlessly? Well, it’s been going flawlessly. Just, you know, FYI.’? I know that, I’m one entire half of it.”

“…I’m really not sure.”

“We should probably plan on what happens when my banishment is over, though.”

“Yeah.”

“…”

“…”

“Eh. It can wait until tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you think?” Luna asked, turning around so Celestia could fully see her Nightmare Moon form. “Is this accurate?”

“Luna, what’s the problem? Everypony who saw Nightmare Moon is dead. Their children are dead. Their children’s children are dead. Their children’s children’s children are dead.”

“It’s the principle of the thing,” said Luna. “I know nopony will care about the accuracy of Nightmare Moon. But I care.”

“Their children’s children’s children’s children are dead. Their children’s children’s children’s children’s children are dead. Their ch-”

“I get the point, Tia.”

“But if you insist…” Celestia walked around Luna, eyeing her up and down. “It seems accurate to me. Properly smooth and curvy. You’ve still got the voice correct. If it’s not perfect, it’s very close.”

“Good. And I have placed the Elements in our castle.” Nightmare Moon was replaced with Luna in a whiff of smoke; no need to expend magic just yet. “And have you decided how you’re going to nudge your student on the right path?”

“I put a book in the library she’ll be staying at.”

“A… A book? What… sort of… book?”

“The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide.”

Luna groaned and smacked herself in the face. “Really? Really? A set of mythical artifacts, lost to legend and the mists of time, and you just put a reference guide to them in the library?”

“You don’t know Twilight as well as I do,” Celestia said seriously. “She doesn’t question books. Put anything in a book, make it look official enough, and she’ll believe it.”

“Fine. But if this goes wrong, I’m blaming you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Well,” Celestia grumbled as she and Luna rode the chariot back to Canterlot, “at least you didn’t screw up a whole millennium of flawless plotting.”

“I’m sorry!” protested Luna. “I completely forgot to brush up on my Ye Olde Ponish! I still can’t believe they didn’t notice Nightmare Moon speaking with modern Ponish.”

Celestia sighed, but said, “When you get right down to it, they didn’t. So long as scholars don’t look too closely at Nightmare Moon’s phrasings, I doubt anypony will care. But you still need to re-learn your Ye Olde Equestrian, and fast.”

“I’ll need to spend a little more time out of the limelight, anyway. If I went right back to my duties as soon as I was back from a millennial banishment, it’d look suspicious.”

“Perfect. It’s good to have you back, Luna.”

“It’s good to be back.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, letting the wind whip their manes around.

“So… what should we do about the Elements of Harmony? If the Bearers think they truly worked on you-”

“I don’t think that will be a problem. We have experienced a thousand years of peace, and our visible strength has just doubled. Can you imagine villains attempting to attack now?”

Afterword

With luck, my findings will spread far and wide across Equestria. During my painstaking research, I was shocked at how blindly ponies accepted the official version of events just because somepony who was there said that was how it went. I didn’t even have any difficulties with studying the magic; any laymare could do it. Nothing was especially complicated. After all, since the Elements were never involved in saving Luna, it wasn’t like this was locket science.

I didn’t even get into the sheer distance between the moon and Equus. It’s not just on the other side of the country; it’s so far away that our best modern magics haven’t been able to reach it, let alone magic from a millennium ago. Assuming Luna had been thrown into the sky by Celestia all those years ago, the moon wouldn’t be where the regal ass landed.

Ponies need to know the truth. They need to know they’re being hoodwinked and what that implies. They need to be aware of how the princesses can twist Equestria to their whims with only a few choice actions. It was just one small spell by mares, but a giant scheme over equines.

Author's Note

Oh. Did I forget to mention this was also part of the Fimfiction Feghoot Festival? Sorry not sorry! I can’t submit this, as I’m a judge (hence why I released it outside the deadline), but I wanted to participate anyway.