Chapter One- Bogged Down

(No Alligators were harmed during the creation of this fanfiction)

Y’know I imagined by this point in my life I would be swimming in gold like Scrooge McDuck not knee-deep in a Swamp in the middle of nowhere. If you asked me how I happened to get into this predicament I would slap you and call you ignorant and then tell you I don’t know.

One minute I was arranging my collection of back scratchers and the next minute I was swatting mosquitoes the size of my fist. I don’t remember how I got here, and I sure as buttered biscuits don’t know how to leave. Though I've made some headway in trying to leave, I’ve discovered that most logs are not in fact logs but rather very aggressive reptiles.

After spending an hour trying to figure out how to walk without looking like I had crotch rot, I decided to head in one direction, but only because walking around in circles wasn't helping. After continuing in said direction for some time I noticed the once knee-deep water getting much deeper.

Now you may ask how I solved this positively complex conundrum, well after wading through the water for some time I happened upon a very large log. Now being the intellectual that I am I grabbed a large stick from one of the many mangrove trees and hopped on the log. I now had a boat, or I almost had a boat. See the log really didn’t like being a boat. Upon closer inspection and a smack of recollection, I realized that I was riding a rather angry alligator.

I believe when I hopped on its back it was asleep. After I hopped on its back it flipped out, and I mean that quite literally. To sum up the feeling of holding onto the back of a rampaging alligator, it’s kind of like sitting on a very aggressive massage chair with very sharp teeth.

“YEE-HAW!”

Honestly, I attempted to resist saying it. Though upon saying the dreaded words the raging alligator below halted all movement. Not only did the alligator stop moving but the background sound of the swamp had stopped. Of course, I was just proud that nature now realized my obvious prowess in stopping raging alligators. Though my moment of being proud was quickly ended once I realized there was a sound emanating throughout the area behind me.

At the time I couldn't afford to turn around and take my attention away from the now not so aggressive alligator. Though I couldn't turn around I could tell the sound was getting closer. I decided to clench my legs on the giant reptile below me and turn around. Now I’m no scaredy-cat by any stretch of the imagination, but turning around to see nine giant heads maneuvering through the mangrove made my heart skip a beat.

With all the grace of a floundering walrus, I turned back around and started yelling at the alligator.

“Move you giant water lizard or so help me god I’ll find some way to kick your scaly ass!”

Yelling some more creative obscenities I turned to find eighteen eyes trained directly on us. I don't think yelling like that was a good idea. I didn’t think it could get worse, that was until I saw its body lumbering through the mangrove line from which I had previously traveled through. Once it was finished snapping trees in half with seemingly little effort it roared and starting moving towards us.

The roar from the hydra managed to stir the alligator's sense of fear. The damn thing took off like a missile. I was barely holding onto the slippery bugger. I could still hear the stomping directly behind me. That wasn't the only thing that let me know it was there, it had this rancid smell about it.

“Alright you stupid lizard, we’re both gonna die if don’t pick up the pace, no pressure though!” I stated rather loudly as I was being thrown around like a ragdoll.

The endless stretch of mangrove trees seemed to part and with this parting of trees came a strong current. So it was either wait for the alligator to tire out and we die or steer the beast into the parting.

“Alright I hate you, and you hate me but we both wanna live, right? Right. So sorry this might hurt,” I grabbed the alligator under its arms and pulled up my legs and steered the alligator towards the parting. I was, of course, met with resistance, but a roar from the hydra was enough to get it to do what I wanted.

"Just like Mario Kart," I mumbled as the alligator snapped at my hand.

The parting was too small at the entrance for the hydra to enter or that's what I assumed, but after hearing a resounding crack I knew it was still on our tail. This thing was persistent enough to knock down trees just to get to us. The current in the water managed to us some distance from the foul-smelling beast. Though I had a realization of sorts.

“Wait a sec, why is there a current?” I questioned to no one in particular.

The answer to my question was revealed shortly. The end of the parting revealed a waterfall. So it was either death by fall damage or death by a giant multi-headed, foul-smelling monster. The latter was truly tempting. My not so valiant steed had different plans however as it headed straight towards the waterfall.

“You brain dead fungus muncher, are you trying to kill us!”

The hydra had caught right back up to us, the water must have been deep enough to support its body. It was close enough that It tried biting at me, and for me, that wouldn't do. So with mangrove branch in one hand, and my other hand full of alligator I dueled the ferocious creature. By duel I mean I poked it in the eyes every time it got close, it eventually ate my stick though. Before I even realized it we were rocketing off the waterfall.

“Why do I feel like the coyote from roadrunner!” I screamed as we shot off the waterfall. The hydra’s many heads peered over the edge as we fell.

I looked towards the bottom of the huge gorge past the alligator who was now holding onto me for dear life. There was water at the bottom so that was a good sign, hopefully.

“YOU STUPID LIZARD!” I managed to say before we both impacted the water.

Author's Note

This silly piece of fiction was pretty fun to write.

Thanks for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day!