A warm breeze billowed over the rolling hills of grass. This was no normal breeze though, this was a breeze accompanied by the distant howls in the drifting wind from beyond the horizon. The howls weren’t normal either, these were the howls of angry windigos. Not to be confused with wendigos which are not from the magical land of friendship and happiness. A trail of hoofprints marked flattened spots of grass, leading to who-knows-where.
“Hello?” Cried a voice in the distance, “Hello?”
No response came in return. The voice silenced for a moment, almost hesitant to repeat.
“H-hello? Is anyone there?” Cried the voice yet again.
Again, no response. The voice at this point was trembling from fear, almost ready to collapse. The howling grew closer by the second as the breeze turned frigid. Slowly but surely the breeze got colder and colder, cold enough to even freeze the grass into ice due to the fact that just a few hours ago it was raining.
“Hello?” the voice came one last time, “I-I’m scared… what’s going on?”
A second, more distant voice finally responded from beyond the wind.
“Come to us, child, and embrace the wind.”
“The… wind?”
“Yes, child!” the wind hissed, “Embrace us! Join the wind!”
“But what if i don't want to join the wind? I just want to go home,” the voice cried, now identified as a child.
“The wind will take you home.”
Of course, the child knew the wind was lying since the wind was heading North, and his home was South-West of here. Also, his mommy said to never follow strangers to strange places.
“Are… are you sure about that?” the child whimpered, “You aren’t going where my home is…”
“Of course child, I only have the best interests for you at heart,” the wind lied again
“How do you know where my interests lie against where your interests lie?” the child asked suspiciously.
The wind was surprised by this question, for it has never encountered a pony who saw through its tricks. It quickly tried to think of a way to salvage this, but could not think of one fast enough before the child seemingly lost interest in the conversation and began walking home. Normally it would have just taken the child by force since they refused to follow it, but the wind decided to just follow the child and see where they would go and what they would do.
“Of course child, I suppose I wouldn't know where your interests lie if I had never met you before.”
“But… why would you try to make me come with you if you never met me before?”
The wind paused for a moment, and all the snow and all the clouds halted with it.
“I-I suppose i'm not too sure myself… I suppose that I have done it for so long that I forgot why I even started doing it in the first place.”
“Do what? What have you been doing for so long?” The child asked, confused.
“I don’t even remember that, strangely…” the wind mused, “I-I think my mind must be slipping… oh my…”
"So you've been doing the same thing for so long that you somehow forgot what it is that you've been doing? How does that happen?!" The child asked incredulously.
"I-I'm afraid I don't know…"
"Well either way, I'm home now, so you can go back to whatever it was that you were doing before this whole conversation started."
When the child entered the house, the wind began thinking to itself; what had it been doing, why is it taking so much interest in that child, and how is that child so smart? As the wind continued pondering these questions it came to a sudden realization; what even is it? It knows it's alive, but it doesn't know how it could talk since as far as it remembers, wind shouldn't be alive or be able to talk. When the wind came to realize that, it tried to remember what it is if it's not the wind, but all it could remember was feelings of resentment and hate, it doesn't remember a single moment it was happy or sad or even loving. And with that realization, the wind decided to follow the child and see what would happen… who knows maybe it will remember some things.
And thus began the journey of Wind and Child.
“So… do you want to be friends?”
MEEP
MEEP
MEEP
“I’ll take that as a yes, then”
MEEP
MEEP
“...Are you done yet?”
MEEP
And now, back to your regularly scheduled shenanigans.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—” screamed the wind as Luigi emerged from behind a rock with his poltergust 5000, “Aw heck, this is a really sucky situation I’m in, isn’t it?”
Just kidding.
…
…
For now.
Anyway, Luigi didn’t emerge from behind a rock. The wind isn’t ghostly (yet), and for the most part, everything is as normal as talking wind and a kid in a house can be.
As the child entered the house he called out to his parents and older brother that he was home… no reply. He called out again thinking that maybe they didn't hear him since they usually have some sort of response for when he exclaims that he's home… no reply. At this point the child was getting worried because there should be at least some sort of noise, something to confirm that someone was there… nothing. Endless nothing. No sound was being made, and the child was very worried. Warrily, the child went up the stairs to his parents bedroom and opened the door… empty, he tried his brothers room… empty, he tried his room… completely empty. He searched all around the house and even a little outside… nobody to be found. Had they not have been living in the middle of nowhere, he would have asked his neighbors if they had seen his family, but alas, he was alone. He went back to his room, and crawled onto his bed. The child cried, cried for his family, and cried for his unborn sibling. When he eventually finished crying, he found a paper with a small message on it.
“Your family has been brought to the land of snails. They are safe, but we snails demand a heft ransom for your species’ crimes against snailamity.”
When the child flipped the paper over it gave a map showing where exactly in equestria that was… along with two names he didn't recognize announcing that they were in fact, here.
"TheMajorTechie and Zapper Frost waz here?" The child read in confusion.
The child proceeded to ignore that particular part because it had absolutely no impact on the plot, and was only there as a one-off joke. With a new goal in mind to find the land of snails, the child set off on an adventure that he should be too young to experience, unaware a certain wind horse thingamajigger was following him… along with something that only said MEEP.
"Ok, according to this map, all I have to do is walk straight for about 8397 meters, take a left turn then jog 74 inches to reach the land of snails," the child said to what he thought was absolutely nobody.
…
…
…
"WAIT A MINUTE, they didn't even tell me how much the ransom was!" The child exclaimed… until he saw a smaller paper on the floor with a 5 digit number on it.
And so, the child again proceeded to set off on his adventure to the land of snails, still unaware of his two oh so mysterious followers.
A low murmur whistled through the wind, scaring even it.
“Buy some apples!”
It was at this moment that one of the writers for this story realized that they still haven't explained what the child looked like or gave them a name… and proceeded to not care.
Excellent move there, writers. 100% job well done. Does it even matter? Probably not. Will it ever matter? I swear on the oath of the Scroll of What-Iffingstorn, it will likely never matter.
Anyway, the wind, the child, and the thingy that goes “MEEP!” set off on their adventure to the land of the snails in order to find the family that they never quite realized even existed.
—- Please stand by while we post filler content originally written in early 2018 by one of the authors. —-
Once upon thick butterbeer, on a succulent sandwich land, a moist mare’s horn stuffed with tainted potato spat Pikachu’s tight, pungent leggings covered with steamy cheese excreted toxic donkeys into another mare’s nostrils. And as Butterknife jumped screaming “Devil’s putrid porridge burgers!” Into the drug infested bodies of her “children’s” cells, she extruded fire-water-air seabears over Satan’s tentacles.
“HUZZAH!” the murderous murderer murdered murdering murderers murdering my cow Billy-Bob-Joe-Hannah-Smith. While chickens chickedees chickened inside chickens my long-lost qaudthriced beheaded desklamp lamped limping lamently lamenting laments about Latin purgatories, the purgatorious kingly crab named KrabKeztler crabbily crawled crappily into the kcraven’s creepy cave. Crazizizizly, while burning kitten’s bodies, a gasoline leak roasted puppies’ pups. Meanwhile, on the planet of “THELEGEND27”, an atomic inferior wardrobe for Particle Man imploded MOISTLY into large fluid fluids fluidly flowing into LEEROY JENKINS tight pillows making them even tighter, like his abs.
Zesty was a maniac who zestily zested zestards zesting zestedly while the village burned sad-witches screaming “BLOODY BROOMSTICKS!” Zesty was scared. Meanwhile, broomsticks flew around my (re)tardis, while my large hippopotamus Geofferey
—- This concludes our not-so-scheduled filler content dump. Thank you for your patience. Please wait as we return to our regular programming. —-
The child just sat there, confused, on what the heck he just read, and he had many questions. After a few moments had past, he proceeded to delete it from his memory to save his sanity.
Continuing on his journey, the child continued to find random papers and stones with confusing writings like the one he read earlier that made absolutely no sense whatsoever and seemed to only have the purpose of confusing the readers. As the child was almost at the half-way point he found something, a weird something, but something. The something looked sorta like a long metal box shaped tube with a small hollow cylinder on one side, and on the other side is a semi-circle with a smaller half semi- circle inside it. Along the side of the tube was two words.
"Wolf railgun?" The child read confused. "The hecc is a wolf railgun?"
Curious the child picked it up with his, unknown until now, horn lit aglow with magic. As the child was examining the 'wolf railgun' further he noticed that the half semi-circle was movable. The child, curious about what it was, moved the now dubbed lever all the way until the thing made a bark noise followed by something flying out of the cylinder at supersonic speeds… until it hit a tree. Even more curious and confused, the child walked toward the now broken tree with the railgun still in his magic until he saw what exactly flew out of the gun…
"WHAT!" The child yelled. "HOW THE HECC DID A FULL-GROWN WOLF FIT INSIDE THIS THING, AND HOW DID IT SHOOT OUT OF IT! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"
The wind and the MEEP, hidden in different bushes were also confused by this discovery, wondering just how that was possible, because not even magic should be able to fit a wolf in that thing and shoot it out at supersonic speeds… and somehow keep the wolf alive. Plus there was the fact that the wind could not feel any magic coming from the wolf railgun so it was obviously not magically powered.
Upset and confused, the child strapped the gun to his back with some vines, and continued on his journey to save his family while continuing to ponder just how the wolf railgun worked.
“So what shall you use this… wolf railgun for, child?” the wind asked, “What purpose shall it serve you?”
The child, surprised by the sudden voice, quickly spun around to see who was there. When the child saw nothing, he was confused, until he recognised the voice.
"Were you following me!" The child asked, surprised.
“I do not know if that was a question or an exclamation,” the wind began, emerging from wherever the heck it is that wind can hide, “You clearly showed exclamation in your words, but your phrasing makes it appear that you were asking a question.”
"Silly windy, the author of that line originally meant to make it both, but forgot to add the question mark, so when someone else added to the story they just decided 'screw it' and sent me here to tell you that it was meant as both a question and an exclamation," a pink pony said out of nowhere before disappearing in the bushes.
"Wut"
Anyhoo, the bushes suddenly came to life. Like, yeah, they were already living because they were plants and all, but now you’ve got sentient bushes!
“We are the bushes,” the bushes began, “Do not confuse us with the former presidents of the United States.”
The child raised a brow, as did the wind… metaphorically speaking.
Suddenly, the knights that go NE appeared and took the talking bushes away claiming them as their shrubbery and nobody else's.
The child was so confused by these series of events that his brain promptly shut down for the next 468 minutes and 57 seconds.
"What the hecc just happened!" The wind shouted
