Chapters Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
Oswald the gravy genie reached down towards the gravy boat which he had spent many years imprisoned in. He lifted it from the ground and proceeded to cast it into the faces of the two humans who freed him.
“Ahhhh, dude! We wanted to go to Equestria, not have third degree face burns!” Proclaimed Matt as he and Wesley ran into each other panic stricken.
They both fell to the ground in a spectacular fashion, landing on a pile of used socks and Matt’s own vomit. They didn’t keep the place very tidy.
“Oh, I nearly forgot...” Oswald muttered to himself, placing a note that he had prepared earlier into Wesley’s back pocket. He also stuffed Matt’s jacket with weed.
“You’re gonna need it, ain't much weed where you’re going son”
**********
Matt and Wesley awoke from their slumber. Before realising that they were not still in their small council house but instead they were in the magical land of Equestria. Matt was shocked to discover that all the time he was sleeping Wesley was lying on top of him with his face digging into Matt’s beloved crotch.
“Oi, What the flying fuck is this eh?” Matt asked
“Are we there? Did we make it?” Wesley replied
“Of course we’re here you stupid fuck, the question is why the fuck are you trying to suck me off? Are you gay or something?”
“First, I’m gay and you know it. Second, You’re an ugly piece of shit. Now the better question is, how are we gonna roll joint when we have hooves?”
“All I care about is that I don’t have some crazy fuck gumming at my new
“You’re not even wearing clothes, fuckface.”
“... Ah... How about we just have a nice look around, shall we?”
“Hold up,” Wesley said. “We left all of our weed back in boring lan- I mean the real world! How are we supposed to think without weed?”
Matt stood up on his new four legs, planning to solve this problem by pacing around until he stumbled into the answer. As he did so a rather large clump of weed fell out of his leather jacket.
“I knew it, man... Walking around in circles always works! Unless you’re standing in the middle of the street.”
“Well at least if we fail at causing chaos and mayhem in ponyville we can always rely on weed to make any situation fantastic.” Wesley grunted, lifting his head up from the ground, looking up at the two colorful ponies standing before him.
“Whah? How long have you been stood there?” Wesley spoke
The two ponies, one a mare and one a stallion, just stayed silent and stood there.
“Well don’t tell me your life story then! You crazy cunts better speak up or I’ll get Matt to give you his patented flying right hook.” Wesley demanded, shaking his hoof.
The stallion looked nervous as Wesley began to get angry.
“What’s the matter... You scared? Matt! Get yo ass up and make these losers back the fuck up.”
“With pleasure, come ear sweetheart” Matt Creepily whispered in a voice best fitting the joker.
“Wait... Do I know you?” said Wesley, walking up and looking at the pegasus mare. She was only half looking at him though, as she had a lazy eye.
“Yo eyeball, What’s your name?” He demanded.
“D- Derpy hooves, sir.”
Wesley’s eyes widened as he recognised the mare two inches in front of him and squealed in delight.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t recognise you! I’m...” Wesley paused and went back to where matt was standing. Only to find that Matt wasn’t standing where Wesley left him, but he was making a mad dash towards Derpy, his arms swung wide open, a great big smile upon his mug.
“Derpy, watch out!” the brown stallion with the hourglass cutie mark shouted, as he turned around and delivered a painful looking buck to matt’s face.
It wasn’t just painful looking, it hurt Matt in ways only he could imagine, he fell to the ground, his smile bucked clean off.
“Dude, What the fuck, the idiot only wanted a hug! You didn’t have to buck him!” Wesley shouted in blinding rage.
“How would you like it if you went to give your grandma a big old hug and she turned around and kicked you right in the nuts? How would you like it? Huh?”
“I’m sorry,” the stallion said; “He looked rather menacing jumping towards her like that.”
Matt spits out a handful of teeth. “Why would I want to hurt you?”
“Come on matt, let’s ditch these fucks.” Said Wesley , picking up Matt and starting to walk away.
“Wait, stop!” Said derpy, trying to warn them about something.
“Shut up bitch! We do what we want!” Said Wesley, as him and Matt walked into the everfree forest.
“Did they just go where I think they went?” Said the brown stallion.
“Yep. They’re dead.”
“Can you hear that?” Derpy whispered
“I said hurry the fuck up Matt, you fat cunt!”
“But I think I dropped some of my teeth back over by Sir Bucksalot”
“I think they’re referring to me...” The brown stallion said.
“I think we should leave, before they do something stupid and we get blamed for it” Said the Gray mare, walking off in the distance.
“Hey look, a manticore! I wonder if he likes hugs...”
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
“Run you fat fuck! This thing is gonna rip us new buttholes!”
“I’m going you nob gobbler!”
The two stoned ponies were running for their lives as the manticore chased after them, letting out spine chilling roars as it went. As it turns out, manticores do NOT like the smell of marijuana.
“He’s coming at us like flies to hot shit!”
“Don’t worry, ponyville is up ahead!” Wesley squealed, sounding more like a child being strangled than a manly stallion.
Wesley and Matt broke out of the treeline and thundered towards the nearest building, a small cottage. They both stopped for a second to look back and catch their breath.
“I can’t see it.” Matt whispered. “Is it still chasing us?”
They both trotted up to fluttershy’s cottage and were about to knock on the door when they heard a low groan that sounded like the word “Eeyup.”
“What was that?” Wesley whispered. “Let’s check it out.”
“Oh my god, Fluttershy’s a whore!” Wesley exclaimed, pulling Matt’s head toward the window.
“Nice.”
They both slowly moved away from the window, before they took more than four steps they bumped into something furry that started to growl.
“Matt... do you hear what I hear?”
“I do... This furry wall is really hungry.”
“...”
the growling stopped and was replaced with a rather loud roar. Fluttershy pulled her head up from the plate of jelly and looked toward the window.
“Did you hear something, Big mac?”
“Nnope.”
The two stoned ponies looked at each other, both with facial expressions that said something they had said many, many times in the face of danger:
“Cheese it!”
**********
Twilight Sparkle was reading a steamy romance novel when she heard what sounded like screaming coming from the direction of the everfree forest. She went downstairs, careful not to wake spike who was snoring in his basket and opened the door.
“Is someone in trouble?” she said quite loudly.
She looked to her left, everything was normal.
She looked to her right, there were two ponies she had never seen before
She looked forwar-
Wait.
She looked right again.
Two stallions whose screams sounded more like fillies’ were barreling down the path with a very angry manticore behind them. Twilight had barely any time to think before she was pushed back into her house and the door was somehow nailed shut at lightning speed.
“What’s going on here?” Twilight said, confused and scared.
“Well you see we went into the everfree and there was this manticore and Matt tried to give to give it a hug but it doesn’t like the smell of weed apparently and it got really angry and chased us and fluttershy is a whore and now we’re here!” wesley said, obviously panicking.
“...What?”
“Manticores don’t like hugs!” Exclaimed Matt.
“...Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So will you help us with this manticore?” asked Wesley
“I... don’t see why not.”
Matt suddenly raised himself from the fetal position on the floor and up onto his four legs, for he had an almighty idea. Matt reached into his tangled mane and pulled out a flip knife and a small package.
“I got this.” Matt told the others. “You’re gonna want to see this, guys.”
Matt used the knife to open the small package revealing what was inside. Both Twilight and Wesley leaned forward, anticipating what Matt had come up with.
“What... What is that?” Twilight asked.
“Awwweehh yeeeaahh, Great thinking Matt!” Wesley said, leaning back, hitting his head on the wall.
“...Guys? What are you doing?” Twilight asked, her mane slightly messy and one of her eyes twitching from the stress of the manticore sniffing outside.
“Rollin’ a joint, bitch. what the fuck do you think we’re doing?” Said Wesley, who was trying desperately to roll a joint without fingers.
“SPIKE! GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE!” they both yelled. There was no answer.
Matt grabbed onto Twilight to stop her from chasing after Wesley as he charged up the stairs and yanked spike out of his bed, hollering in his face.
“Hey fingers! roll this shit for me!”
“Wha- what? Rarity?”
“Yeah it’s me, Rarity. And if you roll this paper I’ll make sweet love to you.”
“Alright!” Spike said, grabbing the joint and rolling it up like a pro before he had a chance to fully come out of his tiredness.
“Hey wait a minute... Rarity isn’t a stallion!” spike said, realising there was no beautiful mare in front of him offering to make love to him.
“I got something even better little guy.” Said Wesley, holding up the now rolled fat doobie.
“Light me.”
“Uh, sure.” spike said, puffing a small bit of fire onto the end of the spliff. Wesley went downstairs with spike where Matt was getting beaten up by twilight.
“Dude, leave him alone. It’s cool. Right spike?”
“Yeah, these guys are cool.”
Wesley took a long drag from the spliff and handed it to Matt, who took another drag out of it. Matt then handed it to spike, who stared at Wesley and Matt, confused at to what he should do.
“Just suck in and breathe in, little buddy.” said Wesley after blowing smoke into the room.
Spike did as he was told and was soon coughing his little lungs out.
“Spike! are you okay?” yelled Twilight, who was panicking at all of the crazy things happening around her.
“Y- yeah, twi... I’m *cough* fine... Better than fine, really... I feel...”
“Hiiiiiiiggghh!” Matt and Wesley chorused.
Wesley, Matt and their new pal spike sat near the corner all taking drags from the spliff laughing their asses off at a bug on the wall and shouting swear words at twilight as she panicked over what to do about the manticore outside.
“Are you guys going to help or not?!” she shouted at the three stoned guys in the corner.
“It’ll be fine, bitch. Loosen up. Fuck.”
“Yo yo, shut yo ass up.” Matt said, backflipping off of his pink floating pillow of smoke and magic.
“All ja gotta do is put da pointy bit on dat motherfuckers eyeball” Matt told Twilight, floating on over to her carrying the cloud of pink smoke with him.
Matt went on to hand Twilight the flip knife, which she took with her magic. Matt then returned to his throne. Which in reality was just a large book.
“Alright then party pooper, off you go!” said Wesley as he pushed twilight out of the window he had just opened.
“Wait! What do I do with this thing? What’s happening?” Twilight shouted as she fell out of the window, coming face to face with the angry manticore.
“He already told you, bitch! put the pointy end into him!” Wesley yelled, closing the window and curtains. He thought he heard screams from outside, but he dismissed it and went back to Spike and Matt in the corner and took another drag from the spliff.
“So what are your names?” Spike asked.
“Uhh.. My name? My name is...” Wesley stammered, trying to think of a name that a pony would have.
“my name is...” Wesley looked at the spliff in his hoof.
“Doobie. My name’s Doobie.”
“And i’m Magical Matt. At your service.” Said matt, Doing a little bow.
“Cool. So where did Twilight go?” Asked spike, looking around the room.
“Uh, she’s around...”
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
There was a loud knock at the door, thinking it was the weed fairy Matt stumbled towards the door, his mouth watering.
“Yo Matt, some home boyz come a boppin at our door, get dat motherfucker in here.” Doobie asked, not bothering to lift his head, unknowing that Matt was already inches from the door.
“Alright, but first I gotta get the door.” Matt replied with creepy smile upon his mug.
The door swung open as the pony on the other side was eager to enter the library. It wasn’t Twilight, but instead stood before the stoned stallion was a white mare with a red cross for a cutie mark.
“My name i- Wait....” She paused for a moment, studying the inside of the smoke covered library.
Before she could open her mouth, a clear semi thick liquid began to drip from above creating a small pool beside her. Confused, she looked up.
“Sweet Celestia, what is that?” She hollered
“Huh?” Matt mumbled as he looked up to see Spike on all fours climbing along the ceiling, his head spun around, his eyes fixed on the white mare.
“Oh, that's just Spike, he drools a lot.”
“I see...” She replied “Anyway, my name is Nurse Redheart and I’m here to tell you that there has been a terrible accident outside of your library.”
“Accident...?” Matt questioned.
“Yes, I’m sorry to inform you that the mare Twilight Sparkle has been mauled by a manticore” Nurse Redheart answered “She’s alive, barely, but as we gathered up her battered body and loaded it onto the ambulance. She lifted her head and Told me to make sure spike takes care of the library.
“How in the name of sweet smoking Celestia did a motherfucking manticore get his sweet ass here?” said Doobie, faking confusion.
“I blame the government, let’s start a march for safer streets!” Matt spoke.
“Nah, the government won’t care about a shitty march, what we need is a riot, that’ll get ‘em shitting themselves.”
Nurse Redheart lifted her hoof and used it to hold Doobie’s lips shut.
“So without a second of thought, you and your buddies are going to stage a full scale riot... for safer streets?”
Doobie looked at Matt and Spike, who were standing beside him with dumbfounded looks of their faces.
Nurse Redheart lowered her hoof, allowing Doobie to reply.
“Heeellll yeeeeaaahhhh” Doobie shouted, as he was joined by Matt and Spike attempting a victory dance.
“Hey guys, If you’re gonna start a riot, you’re going to need some of this!” Said Spike, rolling the fattest of doobies.
“SSHHHHIIIIIEEEET!!!” The two stoned stallions replied “Nice, going fingers.”
“Are you crazy? This doesn’t make any sense, plus Twilight trusts you to keep the library chaos free until she’s able to return.”
“Lighten up, bitch. Fuck.” Matt said, leading Nurse Redheart to the door. “We’re professionals, I’ve started a million safety riots back in England.”
Suddenly Matt looked at Nurse Redheart, his face filled with rage. For some unknown reason, probably because he was high, Matt had started to think that Nurse Redheart was some kind of monster; and proceeded to yell at her about something unintelligible. Matt then burst into the kitchen only to return holding a knife between his two front hooves.
“Fuck you, and fuck your marker!” Matt hollered in a menacing tone.
Nurse Redheart looked at Doobie with confusion, Doobie just shrugged his shoulders and looked back at Matt.
“Kick him in the nuts or something.” Spike suggested.
Moving towards Nurse Redheart, Matt commanded her to get out of his freakin’ head. The confused and frightened nurse backed toward door.
“I- I don’t know what hes talking about.... S- somebody make him stop!”
“Alright...” Spike answered and with one swift kick to the nuts, Matt was on his ass yelling curse words at fictional characters within his own mind.
“Sometimes he gets like this, we call it his angry hour” Doobie told the shivering nurse mare while kneeling down beside his drooling friend.
Doobie sat there stroking Matt’s mane telling him to calm the fuck down, as Matt struggled to fend off the many demons within his own mind. After a short struggle, Matt passed out.
His vision still blurry as he hadn't yet recovered from his short nap, he attempted to finish his mission and destroy the marker. Searching around the library for an entire 30 seconds he came to the conclusion that the mysterious white ghost mare had fled the treehouse in fear of his almighty power.
“Coward!” Matt belched
“Urgh, crazy bitch. She couldn't handle the power” Doobie replied, Reaching for the bong. But to his shock his darkest fears were beginning to come true, for his bong was a shattered mess lying on the floor.
“Wha-What the fuck is this?” He screamed in horror
“This can’t be happening, I thought bad things only happened to poor people!” Matt screamed, tossing the nearest object into the air.
“I’m not poor goddammit! I’M NOT POOR!”
“Snap out of it!” Spike shouted, as he slapped Doobie in the pie hole
“You’re right... I don’t need it, just look what it did to Matt.”
“That’s Magic Matt, you filthy cunt.” Matt bellowed through a cloud of weed smoke.
“Magic Matt then,” Doobie replied “I think you need to calm the fuck down.”
With that thought Doobie wandered across the room trying to get his mind right.
“Ok Mat-” Doobie paused, frozen by the glaze he was received from Matt
“...Magic Matt,” Doobie continued “You need some time to get your mind right.”
“What are you talking about?” Matt replied
“I think... Maybe we should lay off the weed... For a short while.”
“I think you’re a pussy.” Matt chuckled
“What if I find you some chicken dippers? Doobie said with a wide grin
“I’d like that.” Matt whispered
“Alright Magic Matt. Fingers! Grab your shit and let’s go”
“But what about the library?” Asked Spike “We’re supposed to look after it aren’t we?”
“It’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” Magic Matt replied
“But what if somepony tries to break in or what if we leave the oven on and there is a fire?
“It’ll be fine man”
“What if somepony needs to return a book?”
“Don’t worry about it man, it’ll all be fine!”
“Yeah, take a chill pill homes.” Doobie replied, walking towards the front door.
“Where are we going then? Spike questioned.
“Yeah, where are we going?” Said Magic Matt
“Fluttershy’s Cottage. We’re gonna wack us some chicken.”
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
After the three mindless idiots arrived back at the library Magic Matt hurried the blood covered chicken chunks into the kitchen and began to prepare them for consumption. Having no knowledge of cooking other than knowing how to open and close the microwave, Magic Matt searched around for a cook book.
After looking through numerous drawers and cupboards he came across a rather large book covered in chains. Atop of the book lay a small note that read “Do not open unless it’s an emergency” Magic Matt thought to himself for a moment “Why would Twilight want to keep her cookbook away from the public...? And plus, this is an emergency. My tummy has the rumblies.”
Casting aside the fact that It might not actually be a cookbook, Magic Matt reached back into his mane and took his cleaver out. After a few minutes of mindlessly hacking away at the chains, they finally broke allowing him to peek inside.
Magic Matt strolled out of the kitchen wearing the full elements of harmony set. In his mind, he was the prettiest pony in all of Equestria. Spike wasn’t too fussed, Twilight wasn’t planning on using them any time soon.
“Check out my swag, Doobie” He hollered to the other non-fashionable idiots.
“Geez baby, you sure do look fine tonight.” Doobie said “Now get back in the kitchen. Bitch.”
Magic Matt wiped his stupid grin off of his ugly mug and headed back to the kitchen. It was a nightmare, but after a short while the chicken dippers were ready. If Twilight saw the state of the kitchen she’d holler them into next week.
As Magic Matt and Doobie were enjoying eating the freshly cooked and correctly shaped chicken dippers. Matt remembered that he’d seen some tomato ketchup while in Twilight’s kitchen. After relocating the sauce, Matt Dolloped at fat wad of it all over the well cooked dippers.
“Mmmm.... That’s some good chicken.” Magic Matt drooled, getting sauce and saliva all over the precious elements.
“Yeah it is, chrispy too.” Doobie added, munching away on the delightful chicken.
Spike sat in the corner eyeing his plate of chicken dippers, thinking about whether or whether not what he had done was wrong, and that his actions he would be forever labeled ‘A bad dragon’.
“Guys,” Spike asked. “am I a bad dragon?”
Magic Matt was too busy to answer due to his non stop or as Doobie would put it ‘merciless’ Consumption of chicken.
Taking his time to answer, Doobie walked over to Spike, ruffled his spines and said “Of course you are spikey, you’re the baddest of the bad!”
“He’s badass!” Magic Matt mumbled through a mountain of food
Spikes little heart sunk as he fell back down onto his chair beside his plate.
“I’m a... Bad dragon.” Spike said, disappointed in himself.
Spike hung his head in shame and began to eat his dippers, but soon after the first tomato ketchup covered dipped landed on his tongue he arose from his seat of shame as his eyes lit up, for he had discovered a whole new level of motivation.
“These dippers... They’re fantastic!” Spike announced to the other chicken dipper lovers.
“No shit. You think this is good? Maybe sometime we should go back to Fluttershy’s cottage and murder us some pigs and cows.” Doobie replied, drooling over Spike a little.
“You know what?” Magic Matt interrupted “I wonder what pony tastes like.”
Spike gasped. “We can’t kill a pony! That’s taking it too far!”
“Spike’s right, we must kill somepony” Doobie added
“That’s not what I-” Spike started, before having his mouth covered by Matt’s hoof.
“That settles it, whom shall we kill?”
“Who is your least favorite pony Magic Matt?” Doobie asked
“Hmmm...” Matt thought “If we kill Fluttershy, there’ll be nopony to stop us from turning her farm into an abattoir.”
“Genius!” Doobie shouted, giving Magic Matt a standing ovation. Spike a little less eager, but still up for it. At this point he’d given up on being a good dragon.
“Hang on, do you think Fluttershy may be a little paranoid about protecting her animals now?” Spike questioned “Seeming as you guys did ask her for some chickens, I doubt she’ll let you anywhere near the cottage ever again. I wouldn’t put it past her to suspect us.”
This was a problem for the three, getting into Fluttershy’s garden had became a problem due to their previous actions. Thinking to himself for a brief moment, Matt was piecing together a plan to deal with this situation.
“I’ve got it!” Matt shrieked “Firstly we rob carousel boutique and get some nifty disguises, then we casually stroll into Fluttershy's cottage claiming to be the R.S.P.C.A animal protection service.”
“Good good, I like this idea.” Doobie added
“Then, when her back is turned...”
“Yes?” Spike said, leaning forward in anticipation.
“We tear her limb from limb!” Matt finished, grinning rather manically.
The other two stood still for a brief moment before Doobie muttered “Sounds like a plan. Spike.... Grab the shovel.”
*****************************
“Shh, asshole.” Matt whispered “Do you know what will happen if we get caught?”
“Well... No... Do you?” Doobie replied, ducking down outside the front door of the boutique.
“They’ll find a way to pin those that chicken massacre on us, then throw us in the slammer.”
“I’ve heard stories about pony prison...” Muttered Spike
“Shh, never mind that. We can save story time for another day.” Matt quietly murmured. “Fingers, get the door.”
“Fingers, take out Rarity!” Matt ordered, pointing in her general direction.
“But... That’s Rarity, I- I can’t hurt her!” Spike nervously spoke.
“Urgh, trust me Spike, knocking her out will only protect her from harm.”
“I’m sorry... I just can’t.”
“Spike! Is that you?” Rarity shouted. “Help me!”
“Spike, remember whose side you’re on.”
“B- but I love her!”
“Alright. gay...”
Doobie grabbed the shovel from spike’s claws and ran over to where rarity was, raising the shovel above his head.
“Lights out, bitch.”
Doobie brought the shovel down with an almighty force onto the wailing Rarity’s head, knocking her to the ground but not knocking her out.
“Pow! Right in the kisser” Magic Matt shouted.
“Aah, my head! Why are you doing this to me?” she sobbed.
“Just knock her out so we can get this over with!” shouted spike, cowering behind Matt.
“Fuck, is her skull made of diamonds?” said Doobie astonished at Rarity’s ability to stay conscious.
He brought the shovel down for a third time, breaking the skin on her forehead and splattering a small amount of blood onto the carpet. Her eyes were facing different ways and she was gurgling something unintelligible. Doobie decided he had had enough and started to stomp her face a few times until it resembled a blood covered potato.
“Well... She’s down for the count.” said Doobie, not sure if he had incapacitated her or killed her.
“Let’s just get the costumes and go, I think I’m gonna be sick!” Spike hollered, his face turning green.
They searched the place for disguises they could use, after five minutes spike was wearing an adorable pirate outfit, Matt had gone all out and made himself wizard’s robes, complete with a hat and Doobie was wearing a plastic plate on his face with a picture of Big Macintosh on it.
Matt and spike stared at Doobie for a few seconds before realising it wasn’t actually Big Mac, but in fact a very convincing disguise.
“Rarity? Is that you?” Said a quiet voice coming from upstairs.
“It’s alright, I got this.” Magic Matt whispered, walking up the flight of stairs.
Spike and Doobie where admiring themselves in a full length mirror when they heard muffled screaming and crashes from upstairs, but ignored it due to being too amazed by their own disguises.
Matt came down the stairs a few moments later, his hooves red and sticky, chewing something.
“What do you have there, Matt?” inquired Doobie, wondering what Matt could be chewing. It sounded crunchy.
“Unicorn horn.” Matt munched, spitting out a few white bone-like fragments onto the carpet.
“...Wow.” said Spike, impressed and disgusted at the same time.
“Alright boys, I think we’re ready. Let’s go back to the cottage.” Said Matt, after absorbing sweetie bell’s crunchy powers.
The two ponies and the baby dragon walked out of the from door and started down the path that lead to fluttershy’s cottage, the sun was just beginning to rise.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
As the three fucks arrived at Fluttershy’s cottage Matt gave everybody a brief rundown of the plan.
“Wait. Who knocks on the door? Spike asked
“Doobie will, with his amazing costume she’s sure to let us in”
“Then what?” Doobie asked
“Simple, we uhh, kill the batman- I mean, the Fluttershy.
“Oh, seems simple enough” Doobie replied, knocking on Fluttershy’s door.
After a ten second pause the door slowly creaked open, revealing a Fluttershy who had obviously been crying.
“B- Big Mac? Oh, something terrible has happened! My chickens, they... Big Mac? Are you alright?”
Doobie quickly thought of something to say, while trying his best Big Mac impression.
“...Eeyup.”
“Oh, good. well, as long as you’re here you should come in. I’ll make some tea.”
Fluttershy opened the door wider and saw that two other ponies she had never seen before were with who she believed to be Big Mac.
“Who... who are your friends?”
Matt took this opportunity to speak up, introducing himself and Spike.
“Mornin’ luv, My name is Hercules the fabulous Wizard and this is my friend whom I have ventured across the seas with for many years, Purple Pete.
“Errr... Argg, yar be right in what ye be plunderin” Exclaimed Spike, waving his cute little sword around.
“Oh, you’re both friends of Big Mac? Please come on in, any friend of Mac is a friend of mine.” Said Fluttershy, in a rather less nervous tone than before.
The three ponies trotted in, closely followed by Spike. Fluttershy gestured the three to take a seat while she wandered off into the kitchen, probably to fix them some sandwiches and a spot of tea.
Doobie winked at Matt. He nodded back and signaled Spike to move his ass into position. Spike then moved towards the back of the room, looking for a weapon to hand to Matt.
“I think she’s coming back” Doobie whispered to the gang, peeking his head around the corner and into the kitchen.
Fluttershy walked back into the room, holding a tray of sandwiches with a pot of tea located in the center of the tray.
“I hope you like daisy sandwiches.” Fluttershy giggled
“I don’t actually, got any nutella? Matt questioned
“I don’t think so Hercules.” Fluttershy replied, as Matt tried not to laugh.
Spike couldn’t find anything that could be used as a weapon, Doobie noticed this and took the tray out of fluttershy’s hands.
“Oh, thank you, Mac.” said Fluttershy as Doobie put the tray onto the table.
Matt picked up one of the sandwiches and tasted it, promptly spitting it back out into fluttershy’s face making her squeal in fear and disgust.
“Now!” Doobie shouted as he tore off his mask to reveal who he really was.
“Doobie? What’s going on? Why are you here with a wizard and a pirate?”
At that, Matt and Spike removed their disguises, Matt keeping the wizard’s hat on.
“Matt? Spike? Why are you all here? I’m so confused...” Fluttershy stammered, obviously panicking at what had just transpired in her living room.
Doobie stood on his back legs, lifted up his right hoof and delivered a jaw-shattering uppercut to fluttershy’s buttery yellow face. With a gurgling scream Fluttershy flew across the room and landed in the blazing fireplace.
“Oh shit, she’s on fire!” exclaimed Matt and Fluttershy thrashed around in the fireplace, obviously in agonising pain.
Spike grabbed a bucket from the corner of the room not checking what was in it and threw it onto fluttershy hoping to extinguish her, but when the mystery liquid hit the fire it just doubled in size.
“That must have been oil or something!” hollered Matt and he held a his sandwich over Fluttershy to see if it tasted better toasted.
Matt turned around for a second to discover that there had been a bucket of water behind him the whole time.
Matt picked up the bucket and poured it over the smouldering husk that was previously Fluttershy, extinguishing the flames and showing that although 95% of fluttershy’s skin was now extra crispy, she was still alive.
Seeming as she was unconscious Matt decided to take advantage of this situation. Walking over to Fluttershy Matt grabbed the butter knife from the tray and kneeled down beside her. The other two looked at Matt in anticipation, knowing that Matt + Knife = Bad. Matt lifted his hoof high in the air above Fluttershy’s right back leg, with lethal force Matt brought it down, partially amputating her leg.
“Gaaaagrrrraaahhhh” She gargled, as Matt raised his hoof once again.
“Erm, Matt... I think she’s still awake.” Spike pointed out
Oblivious, Matt started vigorously hacking away at Fluttershy’s now loose limb. His mere butter knife was no match for her hard bone, so Matt resorted to twisting and pulling the leg. Attempting to rip the leg from it’s socket, Matt placed his back hooves onto Fluttershy’s torso and began to heave as hard as he could. To no avail. All this did was cause her to suffer from broken ribs. Matt took a second to think this situation through.
“Spike! You still got that shovel?” Matt asked
“I left it outside, but I’ll go get it.” Spike replied
A few moments later Spike returned, bloody shovel in hand.
“Cheers Mate.” Matt said, taking the shovel from Spike.
Matt placed the end of the shovel inside the gash in Fluttershy’s leg. He then began to twist the shovel, tearing away at her muscle tissue. Blood pouring out all over the carpet as shards of bone littered the floor.
“Time for plan B, I guess” Matt shrugged, Jumping onto the shovel placed vertically inside the wound. The force of a fully grown stallion appling it’s full weight via a sharp tipped object was enough to cut through the bone. That did the job, separating the limb from the torso. The bone didn’t really get a clean cut, it was mostly more crushed than anything.
“And about time” Matt muttered, opening his mouth and raising the amputated limb.
“Don’t tell me, you’re not going to-” Doobie spoke
Matt placed his teeth around the large piece of hacked off limb before closing his jaw. He began to chew.
“Mmmm, ohhh.” He mumbled “This tastes great.”
Doobie and Spike watched Matt go to town on Fluttershy’s leg for a few moments before Spike looked away, not able to take in what he was seeing.
“I can’t believe we did this... I need something to calm myself down.” Spike said, as he went over and reached into Matt’s mane, pulling out a chunk of weed and some papers, which he then began to roll into a spliff and light.
“Good idea Spike, We’ve gone like, 3 hours without getting high as kites.” Doobie said, admiring the purple dragon’s skill at rolling.
Doobie and Spike sat down and took a few drags from the spliff while matt continued to eat his own species.
Fluttershy was groaning weakly, barely conscious and obviously in a lot of pain. Matt got up and went over to Doobie and Spike as he had finished the leg of pony, and wanted a few puffs of the joint before the other two smoked it all.
Ten minutes later they were on their way back to the library to get some well-deserved sleep.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
Author’s Note: This chapter took longer than expected due to Mr. Foster (Doobie) getting distracted every two fucking minutes while trying to write this, mostly by stupid youtube videos and gay porn. Not that he's writing it all, I (Magic Matt) am writing just as much as he is. Peace out.
Doobie sat up and stretched in Twilight’s bed, having just had a wonderful night’s sleep. Matt had nested in the bathtub after he and Doobie spent an hour deciding on who would get the bed with rock paper scissors, but after 45 minutes of them only being able to do rock they resorted to a good old fashioned hoof fight. Matt would have won but Doobie had smashed a potted plant onto his head and put him in the bathtub.
Doobie walked down the stairs to find spike in an adorable apron cooking some pancakes.
“Hey, do you like bananas?” said Spike, handing Doobie a plate of banana and syrup pancakes.
“Fuck yeah I like bananas. You know who else likes bananas?” Doobie snickered as he sat at the table.
Before he could say who Matt burst into the room with an obviously bent out of shape back.
“This is why I needed the bed you asshole! Now my back is fucked more than you will be in a second!”
Doobie didn’t look worried by Matt’s hilarious predicament and instead climbed up onto the table, jumped off and delivered a crushing elbow smash to Matt’s spine, putting it back into it’s original shape.
“Wow, how did you do that? I had no idea you knew anything about fixing backs.” Spike said in awe of Doobie’s display of back fixing.
“Magic.” Doobie snorted.
Matt got up from the floor and was handed a banana and syrup pancake by Spike, then got his own and sat at the table. They ate their breakfast in relative silence and Spike took the plates to the kitchen and washed them up.
Spike walked back into the room having taken off his adorable apron and sat down at the table.
“So, what are we gonna do today, fellas?” said Spike.
“Go get breakfast.” Matt suggested.
“We just ate breakfast, you crazy motherfucker.” Doobie said, slapping Matt upside his ugly head.
“But what if... we ate MORE breakfast?” Matt said as if he had just pitched the greatest idea in the history of ideas.
Doobie and Spike both looked at Matt as if he had just won the nobel prize for good ideas.
“That’s genius! And I know just where to go for more sugary treats.” said Doobie, rubbing his hooves together like some evil villain.
The three guys quickly rolled and smoked a joint before walking out of their house and heading to Sugarcube Corner.
**********
The three strolled into Sugar cube corner in a trance like state. Spike, being the only one of them sober enough, opened the door, allowing the others to follow through. Quite literally, as Matt proved.
“Guys, I got a shit covered horn coming out of my ass. I need to take a spiky shit, stat!” Matt squealed, crossing his hind legs and hobbling around in a circle looking like he was doing a cute little dance.
The other two looked at his briefly then turned their attention to the pink mare, hopping towards them rather quickly.
“Ohh, that’s a neat little dance you got there. Mind if I try it out?” Pinkie beamed, copying Matt in his struggle not to void his bowls.
“I won’t last much longer, I need to take a nasty shit right the fuck now!” Matt yelled. “Where the fuck’s the bathroom is this place?”
Pinkie pointed to the door near the counter.
“It’s in there but try not to make a mess!”
Matt sprinted into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Horrific sounds were heard from within the cubicle.
“Is he alright?” Pinkie asked.
“No I’m not fuckin’ alright! I feel like I’m shitting out a swiss army knife!” Matt hollered from inside the bathroom as the room nearly shook with the sound of the unholy beast escaping Matt’s rear end. It sounded like he’d be lucky to escape with his life.
“What has he been eating? Can’t be hay.” Pinkie asked, worrying about about their friend.
“That’s the last time he’s gonna be eating at Fluttershy’s, I can tell ya that much.” Doobie snickered “Anyway, as you probably already know, this is Spike, my name is Doobie and the guy taking a shit is called Matt.”
The bathroom door swung open. The foul stench of digested flesh whisped out, followed by the shaking stallion.
“Are you-” Pinkie stuttered.
“DO I LOOK OK?” Matt roared, mustering up all of his energy. Despite what he thought, he had none. Having not heard Matt’s pitiful attempt at shouting, Pinky assumed he was fine and handed the three some cupcakes.
“Ooh, cupcakes.” Spike said with delight upon receiving the sugary treat.
“You guys look funny, what’s up with your eyes?” Pinkie questioned
Doobie didn’t answer, he just munched away at his cupcake oblivious to the question Pinkie had just asked.
“So, we were planning on coming over and making a second breakfast because we have the munchies.” said Doobie while chewing on a cupcake.
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” She replied. “Make yourself at home, I’m making breakfast anyway.”
“What’s on the menu, love?” Matt said, partially recovered from his epic battle on the porcelain throne.
“Oatmeal cookies, chocolate donuts and pop tarts!” Pinkie said, trotting back into the kitchen.
Unsatisfied by the menu choice, Matt hobbled over to the kitchen to see if he could rustle up some grub. Still being high, he struggled to keep a straight path. Having barely made it to the kitchen without breaking something of value, he scanned the room for food. Being a kitchen and all, it didn’t take him long to mistake a bag of flour for a large packet of Monster Munch. Tearing away at the bag to get at it’s contents he managed to spill flour all over Pinkie, who at that moment and brandishing a tray of cookies.
“It’s not what it looks like!” Said the gray stallion, covered in a sticky mess. Having been sweating ever since he unloaded his monster shit. The sweat from his body mixed with the flour, glued itself to Matt’s body.
“I know your secret Matt.” Pinkie whispered.
“WHAT? WHO TOLD YOU?” Matt shouted, getting off his ass and matching pinkies gaze.
“I know that you’ve been itchin’ to bake some cupcakes.” She replied.
“Oh, uh... Yes, you got me. Let’s make some fucking cupcakes you crazy cunt.” Matt said, trotting towards the kitchen door, signalling for Doobie to join him.
“So, firstly we nee-”
“Ahhtatatatah” Matt interrupted. “We’re professionals, we can handle this.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” She smiled, bouncing away.
The two stoners briefly looked at the fine assortment of cooking apparatus that lay on the counter, before turning to look at the cooking instructions that lay beside them.
“Two eggs.” Matt read, itching his rump.
“Two eggs!” Doobie said as he grabbed two eggs from the fridge and threw them shell and all into the mixing bowl.
“500 grams of flour.” Matt said.
“500 grams of flour! More or less.” Doobie shouted as he scraped some hairy flour from Matt’s flank and dumped it into the bowl.
“Sugar.”
“Sugar!” Doobie shouted as he reached behind him for the sugar but instead grabbed a glass measuring cup and smashed it into the bowl.
“Eh, close enough.” Doobie said.
Matt grabbed the butter and shoved it into the mixing bowl without measuring it, then mixed in some more things he found in the trash for that extra crunch.
Doobie grabbed the mixture and poured it’s sticky contents into the moulding tray, before placing it into the oven. Neither of them set a timer for the baked abomination, but by Matt’s logic, smoke means it’s done. Opening the oven with his mouth, a gust of 200 degree air was blasted directly into Matt’s face, burning his eyebrows clean off.
“They’re done.” Matt announced, carrying the burnt mess over to the counter.
“They look nasty.” Doobie pointed out, sniffing at the tray. “Let’s test them on that pink cunt.”
“Hey pinkie, get your fat diabetic ass in here!” Matt shouted. Two seconds later Pinkie burst into the room.
“Hey guys! Finished the cupcakes?” pinkie hollered, looking excited as usual even though she was being insulted left and right by the two other ponies. Maybe she didn’t know what the words meant.
“Yeah, they’re done. And we’d like you to be the taste tester!” said Doobie, handing Pinkie Pie one of the killer cupcakes.
Pinkie immediately shoved the treat into her mouth and swallowed, looking cheerful at first. she then opened her eyes wide and began gargling and rolling around on the floor, a copious amount of blood pouring out of her mouth.
“Wow, are they that bad? I mean, it was our first time. You didn’t have to be so rude.” Matt said, on the verge of tears.
“Dude, I think she’s dying.” Doobie said, barely interested at the pink pony on the floor who was obviously in an unbearable amount of pain.
Pinkie Pie was convulsing on the kitchen floor, her hooves scratching at her belly in a desperate attempt to get the deadly treat out of her before it ripped her insides apart, but to no avail. She continued to roll around, cough up blood and crying on the floor.
“What should we do? If the feds find her like this we’re done for!” said Matt, panicking slightly.
“We’ll hide her where nobody will find her. It’s the perfect plan.” said Doobie, looking around for a place the pink pony could fit into that would ensure nobody would know about the gruesome deed Magic Matt and
Being high Doobie saw no flaws in this plan and shoved Pinkie in the scorching oven, closing the lid.
They heard banging and gargling coming from the oven but thought nothing of it as they walked out of Sugarcube Corner with spike trailing after them rather hastily, asking what had caused them to leave so abruptly.
“Just be cool, Spike. We’ve done nothing wrong.” Doobie said, trotting down the nearest path, not knowing where it would take them. None of them were hungry anymore.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
The three wandered around Ponyville for a few hours before they decided to stop off at the market to barter for some cheap defenceless animals to butcher. Matt approached a local farmer and asked to purchase one of his pigs.
“That’ll be 4 bits baby, YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?” Said the farmer, leaning forward to collect his payment.
“I don’t have any money.” Matt answered in a dumbfounded trance.
“No money, no sale.” The farmer grunted, his mood suddenly changed.
“Come on man, I need this pig yo.” Matt begged.
“You don’t look like a farmer to me, why do you want this pig so badly?”
“He just looks so delicious.” Matt replied, licking his lips.
Doobie and Spike were enjoying a merry stroll through the park when the clouds above them suddenly changed to a dark gray. A thunderous clap roared from the sky as a bolt of lightning passed through and lit up Doobie’s skeletal system, causing him to fall to the ground. Matt came running, having two hoof marks printed on his flank where the farmer bucked him.
“Yo Doobie... You alright?” Spike asked, careful not to touch him.
“DO I FUCKIN’ LOOK ALRIGHT, YOU DUMB BAG OF DICKS?” Doobie hollered. “ That fucking rainbow cunt zapped me!”
“You mean Rainbow dash? What makes you think it was her fault?” Matt asked
Doobie pointed towards a rainbow maned mare sat on a cloud, laughing her flank off.
“The crazy cunt’s right over there, she’s fucking laughing at me.”
“Urgh, I’ll handle this.” Matt sighed, grabbing Spike by the face.
He placed one of his hooves around Spike’s throat and the other he used to grasp his tail. Using Spike as a self propelled sling similar to a rubber band, he fired him up into the clouds. A loud thud was heard, followed by two bodies crashing down to the ground beside Matt. Spike was undamaged as his scales made him near-indestructible, but Rainbow wasn’t so lucky. Having one of her wings twisted and various bumps and bruises littered around her body, she wasn’t going anywhere fast.
“I think we can safely say,” Matt grinned, Putting on some sunglasses he brought from the market and stepping on Rainbow’s only functioning wing.
“You’re grounded”
“Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!” Doobie shouted, partially recovering from what could have been permanent paralysis.
“That... Was just awful.” Rainbow dash muttered, Pretending not to be in too much pain.
“Hey uhh, Doobie.” Matt whispered, leaning toward his friend.
“What?”
“Seeming as we’ve umm... Already caused a few ‘accidents’ lately, what if something bad were to happen to the rainbow cunt?”
“Oh, I get ya. It’d be a shame if she were to be brutally raped by her own wings then forced to cut off her own head with a rusty spoon.” Doobie replied, winking with both eyes.
“Um... I doubt the feds would consider that to be an accident, I was thinking more along the lines of trapping her in the library and forcing her to give us piggy back rides.”
“Oh, I guess that’s a good idea. But won’t she tell other ponies when we let her go?”
“Meh, we’ll probably end up hospitalising her by accident somehow.”
“Alright.”
“Say, er... Rainbow dash is it? I’m awful sorry about this terrible accident, I was just slinging my dragon around minding my own business when he slipped from my hooves and just so happened to knock you down from your perch upon that there cloud.” Matt spoke, making eye contact with Dash.
“If it was an accident, what are you standing on my wing?” She asked, attempting to wriggle free.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise.” Matt said as he twisted his hoof a bit before lifting it up.
Rainbow got up and nursed her twisted wing, seeing if there was any serious damage.
“Would you like us to help you get home?” Doobie offered, standing next to Rainbow Dash.
“Well, sure I guess... It looks like my wing with be out of action for a few hours.” Rainbow said, starting to walk in the direction of her cloud house.
Doobie, Magic Matt and Spike followed her to her house, trying their best to make conversation.
“So, Rainbow Bill, what’s it like clearing clouds?”
“Dash.”
“Who’s Dashing?”
“Me.”
“No, you’re walking.”
“My name is Dash.”
“No it’s not, it’s Rainbow Bill.”
“Rainbow DASH!”
“Oh, why didn’t you say so?”
“I did.”
“Anyway, how far is it to your house?”
“About ten minutes.”
Doobie, Matt, Spike and Rainbow Dash were walking past a lake when Rainbow straightened out her wing and started flapping it experimentally. She then flapped the other wing and lifted off of the ground, slightly shakily.
“Well, it looks I’m alright to fly now. Thanks fellas.” Rainbow said before starting to fly away.
“Hey, I wasn’t finished talking to you, you slippery cunt!” Matt shouted, shaking his hoof.
“Well you were boring anyway, that’s not my fault!” Rainbow yelled back, starting to speed off.
Matt looked around for something to throw and found a rock about the size of his head. With great effort he hauled it up, spun around barely hanging onto it and let it go. The rock sailed through the air and hit rainbow dash on the rump, making a sickening crack sound.
Rainbow Dash screamed and fell down into the lake, her back legs limp. She flailed about in the water for a moment and then started to sink until all the guys could see was bubbles.
Doobie dived into the lake and tried to save Rainbow Dash before realising he couldn’t swim. He then sunk just as she had. Matt then followed suit and went under the water, looking for Doobie and Rainbow Dash. He swam around the lake for a few seconds before spotting Doobie flailing around in the water like some retarded squid.
The surface of the water broke and Matt, holding onto a still screaming Doobie paddled to the edge of the lake where Spike grabbed Doobie’s legs and dragged him away from the water.
“I thought I was going to die...” Doobie gasped after spitting out a considerable amount of water, two small fish and an old boot.
Spike dived into the water to retrieve Rainbow Dash, being small and having hands meant he could swim relatively easy. He broke the surface a few moments later with an unconscious and rather dead looking Rainbow Dash in tow.
“Guys, I don’t think she’s breathing.” Spike said, dropping her onto the floor next to Doobie.
“It would help if she wasn’t fucking blue. Who the fuck does she think she is, being the same colour as you go when you’re not breathing? Stupid cunt.” Matt said, obviously angry at something that shouldn’t have made him very angry.
Doobie got up and started stomping Rainbow Dash’s chest, hoping to get the water out of her lungs. All that happened was a bunch of cracking sounds and blood coming out of Rainbow’s nose.
Spike tried to give rainbow CPR but only ended up breathing fire into her mouth and burning most of her tongue off.
Now it was Matt’s turn to try. He reached into his mane and took out his flick knife. After a minute fiddling with it he got it open and plunged it right into Rainbow’s windpipe. After he had taken it out water started spurting out of the hole like a little fountain. Doobie pressed down on her lungs, which doing so now sounded like crunching a packet of crisps because of all the rib fragments, and more water came of of Rainbow’s neck hole.
After a while the water stopped and she took a deep breath through the hole in her neck. She was breathing again at least, which meant Doobie and Matt had nothing more to do with it. They started to walk away and Spike soon followed.
The two stallions and the baby dragon were walking down the path going back to the ponyville marketplace, they didn’t have any money but they were hungry and in the name of glorious satan they were going to get some.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
Doobie, Matt and Spike arrived at the marketplace with empty stomachs and no cash.
Doobie walked up to the nearest food stand which was selling banana and cucumber sandwiches. That would have to do.
Matt and spike snuck their fat asses around the stall while Doobie distracted the mare selling the food by making small talk.
“...so. Did you see the new batman movie?” Doobie asked, nervous and sweating profusely after only a few seconds.
“The new what?” the mare asked, looking confused.
“Y- you too...” Doobie stammered, wiping the perspiration from his forehead.
“I don’t... What?” The mare said, now looking rather scared.
“B- bag that shit up.” Doobie said, grabbing a sandwich in his slippery hooves and shoving it into the mare’s face.
Matt and Spike who had now snagged a few sandwiches both respectively facepalmed/hooved at Doobie’s ridiculous display of interaction.
“Just, go away, please. It’s on the house. Just please go.” the mare said, wanting to get rid of the repulsive sweaty stallion.
“B- back that shit up, there’s no house here! This is a sandwich stall, you’re trying to trick me!” Doobie said, panicking because of the immense social strain.
“What? No, it means it’s free!” the mare nearly shat himself in anger shouted, just wanting the awful stallion to just go away.
“I- I don’t need your charity! What are you, some kind of cucumber?” yelled Doobie, not thinking straight.
People were now turning their heads in the direction of the pathetic display while Matt and Spike were sitting on a rock ten meters away looking and laughing.
Doobie had had enough interaction for the day and decided to bolt from the stall, much to the relief of the mare running it. With a soggy sandwich in his mouth he ran toward Matt and Spike, who were gobbling a mountain of them.
“Woah, that’s a big pile of sandwiches, what’s in ‘em?” Doobie questioned the others, regarding the sandwich situation.
“Cheese and cucumber.” Matt replied, scoffing all of the sandwiches that didn’t include butter.
“Hey uhhh... What’s the matter with you?” Doobie started. “Only retards don’t like butter on their sandwiches.”
“I fucking hate butter, It tastes like shit.” Matt replied, throwing Doobie a sandwich to destroy.
“Fuck you, man. How can you not like butter in your sandwiches?” Doobie demanded.
“Does it really matter, guys?” Spike said after swallowing a bite of delicious bread and banana.
“YES!” they both yelled in unison.
Before the two fucks could keep on arguing, Spike pointed toward a crowd of ponies who had gathered near the center of the market.
“What’s going on over there?” Spike said.
“I don’t know, let’s go find out!” hollered Matt as he stuffed the last of the sandwiches down his gullet and sprinted off.
Doobie caught up to him as he was barging through the crowd, Spike riding on Doobie’s back.
“Come one, come all! See the all powerful TRIXIE!”
“Oh, fuck. It’s her.” Doobie said.
Matt had now pushed his way through the crowd and was standing next to Doobie and Spike.
“First, to show how amazing the great and powerful trixie is, she will challenge these two stallions in a magical contest!” Trixie declared, pointing to the two stallions nearest to her. one tall gray unicorn with a vacant expression by the name of Magic Matt and one shorter green and purple unicorn with a dragon on his back she recognised as Twilight Sparkle’s pet.
“Why do you two buffoons have Twilight Sparkle’s pet?” Trixie asked.
“She got fucked up by a manticore or some shit.” Doobie said nonchalantly.
“Whatever. You two, get up here so that the great and powerful Trixie can show how amazing her magical skills are!” she declared, standing on her hind legs and letting off a few fireworks.
Doobie, Magic Matt and Spike stumbled onto the stage and looked at Trixie for a while until she spoke again.
“I, the great and powerful-”
“Cram a horn in it you showboating cuntbag. This is a Magic contest, right?” Doobie said, tired of the cuntbag’s loud voice and annoying tone.
“Well, yes. You two will face off against me and whoever can create the superior spell will be the victor.” Trixie declared.
“Yo, Doobie, what’s she yackin’ about?” Matt said, not listening.
“I dunno but her voice is pissing me off. Something about magic.”
“But we haven’t used magic. We don’t know how.”
“Ha! You two buffoons have NEVER used magic before? You call yourselves unicorns? This contest should be easy then.” Trixie said, as she started to do a spell. A coil of rope snaked up from the ground and whipped across the stage, going just far enough to crack on Doobie’s nose.
“Ah, you fucking stupid thundercunt! What the fuck do you think you’re doing? I’m gonna fucking kill you!” Doobie said, his poor nose turning a little red.
Before he could charge at Trixie Matt grabbed Doobie’s tail and stopped him from going very far.
“Dude, this is our chance to see how good we are at magic. Trixie fucking hates losing so this will be great!” Matt said after spitting out Doobie’s tail.
“You’re right, Matt ol’ buddy ol’ pal! Let’s take this honkey to school.” Doobie said, attempting to ready a spell.
He closed his eyes tight and concentrated, by doing so it looked like he was trying to squeeze out a turd. Tiny sparks started to come out of his horn, followed by his horn lighting up with a faint green glow similar to a cheap light bulb. It then began to brighten and flicker like a respectable energy saving light bulb.
Doobie’s horn was now glowing like a regular unicorn’s horn. Sparks now showered out of it and the glow became brighter. A ball of light shot out of his horn and stopped a few feet away from him.
“Fuck yeah, that’s what I call fuckin’ magic!” Matt yelled.
The ball of light started to rise and also started to change shape. Five cylinders came out of it and curled around to make what looked like fingers. The ball had flattened out and the light was now in the shape of a hand. The hand hovered above Doobie for a second before it rose a little and then smashed down, pummeling Doobie into the stage and breaking the floor under him.
“Doobie? Are you okay?” Spike asked, looking worried.
“Wh- Where’s the leak, ma'am?” Doobie said, obviously dazed from head trauma.
“Holy shit, I think his spell rebounded.” Matt said, observing the pancake-like pony that was Doobie.
“Mom’s spaghetti!” doobie yelled before passing out, half in and half out of the stage floor.
Trixie stared at the two ponies who had just broken a hole into her stage.
“You ignorant buffoons! Do you have any idea how much it costed me to rebuild this stage?” Trixie raged at the two.
“Um, ten bits?” Matt asked.
Trixie grunted at Matt’s stupidity and charged her horn, ready to blast him to kingdom come.
Matt’s horn randomly started to glow causing him to float up into the air. Confused, Trixie decided to quickly dispose of the two idiots before they reveal that she was a useless attention grabbing whorebag with a fat flank.
“The great and powerful Trixie shall end you both.”
“Like fuck you will.” Matt interrupted. “Avada kedavra!”
A green spiral of pure energy shot out of Matt’s horn at the exact moment Trixie cast her spell. Both spells collided in mid air causing them to link together in a fantastic light display. Both ponies applied all of their effort into their spells, as whoever is struck by the beam will certainly be eviscerated.
With the amazing power of not giving a fuck, Matt’s side of the light stream began to engulf that of Trixie's. She became extremely nervous as the bright light came closer towards her, she barely avoided catastrophic and explosive diarrhea.
“Is this the end of The Great and Powerful Trixie?” She wailed , beginning to lose her balance.
“Fuck yeah, I’m gonna make you explode all over this stupid crowd.” Matt replied as his horn shun even brighter to deliver the final blow.
With the snap, Trixie was engulfed by Matt’s spell blasting her across the stage. Matt, still beaming his ray of death down on her, made it so she was not visible to the crowd anymore. After few more moments of turning Trixie medium rare, Matt stopped his brutal attack.
The energy stream instantly dispersed leaving nothing behind but a charred outline of a mare in a fetal position on the stage.
“It was self defence, you all saw it! She attacked me first.” Matt rambled, he had been in this position many times before, but this time he was actually telling the truth.
“This better not turn like that time I took on all those indians, I thought I was holding a camera. Next thing you know news headlines, Crazy gunman opens fire in a pre school, 13 dead.”
“F- Finland!” Doobie shouted, having regained consciousness while still in a truma induced stupor.
As Matt majestically floated down to the floor and Spike tried to pull Doobie out of the hole he was half buried in, the crowd stood in shock and awe.
“What? They don’t call me Magical Matt for nothing you four legged flabbergasted flatulent fools!” Matt rambled on. “Why, Starswirl the bearded would be shitting his jingly cape if he was in a duel with me!”
“Quit laughing at me, flying avocado!” Doobie said, his eyes facing different directions and his arms flapping around like a bird’s wings.
“Let’s go, Spike and Doobie. I feel like going for a walk.” Matt said, jumping down from the stage and walking through the still shocked crowd of ponies.
Spike dragged Doobie by the tail while he spewed nonsense to anypony who would listen.
“Fuck you, Berry Punch! and fuck your marker!” Doobie yelled, shaking his hoof at a pony with some grapes for a cutie mark.
The trio of bumbling idiots walked off along the path going up in the direction of sweet apple acres.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
Doobie’s head was heavy. Knees weak, hooves were sweaty. It was coming out of his mouth already, stomach spaghetti.
As Doobie vomited onto the path Matt and Spike sat and watched as he retched and heaved the sandwiches from earlier onto the hot dusty road that led to Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack was walking down the path to the marketplace to sell her appletastic treats when she came across the puking pony and his two friends, one of which she recognised.
“Spike? Who are these fellas? And why is the green and purple one vomiting all over my path?” The orange mare asked.
“Why do you sound like a fucking hick?” Matt said.
“A whatting what? Y’all use some fancy words there, partner. Is he gonna be okay?” Applejack said as she gestured to the pony voiding his insides all over the path.
“He’ll be fine, he just ate a few bad sandwiches.” Spike said.
“What are you doing with these guys, Spike? I’ve never seen ‘em before...” Applejack said, looking at Matt suspiciously as he stood near spike.
“Don’t worry Applejack, these two are pretty cool. I met them when a manticore chased them into the library and mauled twilight. They’re looking after me until she recovers.” Spike said, trying to reassure her.
“Y- yeah, Applesnack, we’re cool as cucumbers!” Doobie said, who had finally finished blowing chunks.
“Hmm. Well, if you say they’re good ponies then I believe you Spike. Awful business with Twilight gettin’ mauled, I heard about it yesterday. Anyway, you say y’all comin’ up to the farm? Well I was headin’ into the market but I could take ya up there if ya want.” Applejack said, smiling.
“No chance in Hel- actually, that would be wonderful! Let’s go!” Matt said, cooking up a plan in his head.
They all started walking back up the path, Doobie making sure to steer clear of the contents of his stomach.
After a brief journey up the path the four arrived at Sweet apple acres. Matt and Doobie began complaining about the overwhelming stench of shit among other things. Big Macintosh came out of one of the barns and started heading for a group of apple trees.
“All that walking... For this? I promised myself I’ll never go to a farm ever again after what happened last time.” Matt commented, rambling on about some sort of cow conspiracy theory that caused the farmers to send him home.
“Yeah, I bet those farmers are in some kind of cow-run concentration camp or something.” Doobie added, His coat was stained by his stomach previous contents, causing him to carry the smell of sick around with him. “Meh, at least it covers the smell of shit.” Matt thought to himself. Doobie didn’t seem to notice.
The three caught up with Applejack a few moments later, she was whispering something to Big Macintosh. Big Mac was pulling a cart full of apples, he moved as if it was as light as packet of Rari- Marshmallows.
“Fellas, this is my brother Bi-” Applejack started, before being pushed out of the way by Doobie and Matt.
“Yo Big Mac, what’s up mang? What’s it like being named after a tasty burger?” Doobie asked, Eager to make Big Mac actually say something.
“...”
“Well, Big Mac better get back to working the farm.” Applejack said, pointing Big Mac towards some apple trees.
“No you fucking don’t, you’re gonna answer my questions Mac!” Matt shouted, even though he wasn’t the one who asked any questions.
“Uh... Why is the gray one wearing a wizard hat? Big Mac asked.
“Because his name is Magic Matt, he’s very good at magic apparently.” Spike answered.
“The best there is! Gimme a brohoof, ma nigga.” Matt said, extending his hoof towards Big Mac.
Big Mac looked confused for a second, turned around and headed for the apple trees mumbling to himself.
“What a fat cunt.” Matt said, having been left hanging.
“Anyway, how about I show y’all around?” Applejack suggested.
“Doobie and Matt would love to!” Spike hastily said before Matt could say something insulting or Doobie could somehow disgust everyone in the direct vicinity even more.
Applejack lead the three mentally deficient stoners around the farm. Time dragged on for what felt like several hours (in reality four minutes) as Applejack wouldn’t fuck off spouting some tour guide shit. As if they gave a fuck about her smelly-ass farm, or her stupid hick family. They just kept on nodding their heads every time she decided to stop for a few minutes and start yackin’. The only time she finally shut up was when the so call ‘tour’ was over.
“Well Applejack, you sure do know how to be a boring sack of shit. Where the fuck are we now?” Matt grunted, looking at pretty pissed off Applejack.
“Wah- Weren't y'all listening to my tour?” She asked, disappointed that she didn’t get a positive reaction to her life’s work.
“Me and Matt are about to slip into a fucking coma.” Doobie said.
“Well why didn’t you say somethin’ before? I would have understood if ya found the tour boring and wanted to stop but we wasted my valuable time for nothin’!” Applejack said angrily.
“It is YOU who has wasted our much more valuable time, I demand an apology!” Matt shouted, His hat was sliding down his face but he didn’t seem to give a fuck.
“I- what? Get off my farm, y'hear?” She angrily demanded, shaking a hoof at Matt.
“Quick Matt, time for plan B!” Doobie yelled, standing back and shielding his eyes, Spike followed suit.
“I’ll give you five seconds to apologize and provide a present before I blow your flank to kingdom come! 4, 3...” Matt shouted, his horn glowing as his body began to raise from the dusty trail. His horn began to shine with a blinding light, as it did with Trixie.
If it was possible Applejack would be shitting bricks, Matt really did look powerful. She stuttered, trying to find the right words. She opened her mouth but the spaghetti wouldn’t come out.
“She’s chokin’ now.” Doobie said.
“The clocks run out, dinner is over, POW!” Matt shouted, charging his magical blast.
Applejack regained her composure, on the surface she looked calm and ready to fight but she keep on freezing. She raised her head and made eye contact with Matt. Shaking a little she found the right words.
“Magic Matt.... I’m so terribly sorry for wasting your precious time with my horrible tour.”
“And my present?” Matt asked, still ready to beam down his death ray at any moment.
“Oh, uhhh... Would you care for some, uh... Apples?”
“Uhh.. N- no.” Applejack mumbled, shying away in a typical Fluttershy fashion.
“Then why you tryin’ to fuck him like one?” Doobie shouted, he and Spike had been so bored by the shitty tour that they felt she deserved to die.
Lightning erupted from Matt’s horn, forming a beam of almost certain death about to strike Applejack.
“B- back away, Y’hear? I don’t want no trouble!” Applejack cried, knowing she was about to be blasted with the thunderous fury of a powerful wizard.
She finally somewhat recovered and could move now, she decided the best thing to do was make like a banana and split. She turned around and bolted for the nearest barn.
Matt took Applejack’s attempt to flee as an insult and flew over to the space between her and the barn door.
“You DARE try to flee the POWER of MAGICAL MATT? Your insolence will not be tolerated!” Matt thundered, his lightning bolt dangerously on the verge of becoming overwhelming.
“J- just let me go! I don’t wanna fight you, just let me pass, please!” Applejack said, such a tough pony on the verge of tears.
“...Pass?” Matt repeated. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” He screamed as he released the bolt of deadly energy straight into Applejack’s body.
Applejack let out an ear piercing scream and collapsed to the floor, twitching and jerking. She lay there for a few seconds violently convulsing until a loud “pop” could be heard and she went limp, eyes rolling back and blood coming out of her nose.
“Dude! That was some cool-ass shit!” Doobie yelled as Matt fell down from where he was floating onto his ass.
Doobie trotted over to Applejack with spike in tow and examined her medium rare remains.
“Dude, I think you exploded her heart or something.”
“Man, I’m pooped. That sure took a lot of effort.” Matt said, standing up uncertainly.
“What about Big Mac?” Spike asked
“Meh, I guess we can kill him if you want.” Matt replied
“No, what I mean is, what are we going to do when he finds her corpse?” Spike corrected.
“Ahh fackin’ell, that big cunt will beat the shit outta us.” Doobie gasped, spewing spaghetti all over his chin.
“Wait... If magic killed her...” Matt began. “Than maybe... Magic can un-kill her.”
“Hmm...” Doobie said, rubbing his manly chin.
“How about we take her back to the library and see if there are any books on necromancy?” He suggested.
“Sounds like a plan, you crazy cunt.” Matt said.
Doobie grabbed Applejack’s tail in his mouth and started to unceremoniously drag her along the path.
A note from the authors: this and laughing his ass off a million motherfucking times.. Anyways, here's the new chapter you crazy cunts. Stay beautiful.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
“What the fuck do you mean she doesn’t have a face?” Doobie yelled.
The three guys were standing outside Twilight’s library observing Doobie’s handiwork.
“You dragged her all the way to the library by her tail. Her face has been sanded off by the floor.” Spike said, pointing to the red and orange trail behind Doobie.
“Not to mention all of the horrified people we passed getting here, you stupid fuck.” Magic Matt chimed in.
Doobie thought for a second and concluded that dragging the quite obviously dead pony around out in the open was not, in fact, a good idea.
Doobie picked up Applejack’s corpse by the tail and swung it around before slamming it into the door, causing it to fly off of its hinges.
“You could have just opened it, you know.” Spike said, looking into the doorless frame.
“Yeah, I could of. I also could have had sex with the corpse, set the library on fire and danced around with a hedgehog up my ass while sucking a fat horse dick but I didn’t.” Doobie retorted while grabbing the very dead applejack and throwing her onto the table in the centre of the room.
Matt walked inside with a confused spike in tow and started to roll a joint.
“Hey Spike. You know shit about stuff, right? Right. Well, how about you fetch us a book on how to resurrect the dead?” Doobie said to the purple midget.
“Uh, I guess I could have a look.” Spike said while fucking off to the bookshelves and going through the large amount of books covering subjects from Aardvark anatomy to Zoophilia.
A few minutes later Spike had made less progress finding a related book than Matt had rolling the joint without any fingers. He remembered Twilight saying something about a dangerous book that should never fall into the wrong hooves and going into the basement to lock it up.
He looked over at Doobie and Matt playing with Applejack’s dead body like it was a marionette.
They seemed capable of handling a questionable dark tome.
Spike headed down to the basement and walked over to a box that has been locked with enchanted chains.
He pondered for a while what he could do to get the chains off when the answer came to him in the form of two ponies falling painfully down the basement stairs.
“Need that box opened, little man?” Doobie said after he had gotten up.
“Uh, yeah. I heard twilight saying something about a dangerous book a while ago and thought we might find something useful in there.” Spike told Doobie.
“Hmm. Dangerous, you say? Danger is my middle name!” Doobie yelled triumphantly.
“I thought it was wesley.” Said Matt, walking up to the pony and the dragon.
“Quiet, you.”
Doobie told the others to stand back as he aimed his horn at the heavy padlock on the box.
“You know, this doesn’t seem like the best idea. Remember what happened last time you tried to do magic?” Matt said, looking slightly worried. Not for Doobie’s safety, but for his own.
“Shut up bitch, I’m trying to magic!” Doobie said as his horn started to glow.
His horn crackled at first and then flickered bright green. It then shot a bolt of what looked like electricity. Just before the bolt hit the box it stopped dead in mid air, turned around, shaped itself into a fist and socked Doobie right in the jaw making him fly backwards and hit the wall like a pancake. He slid down the wall and settled on the floor. The hoof made of electricity raised it’s middle finger and then disappeared.
“B- bag that shit up, my magic hates me yo.” Doobie said.
Matt reached into his mane and pulled out a rather large amount of stale cheese. “My cheese... she stinks!” He hollered before he went forth to consume the yellow substance.The tasty morsel sat in his stomach, slowly releasing the power within.
“You... You alright there buddy?” Doobie asked.
“N- Never Butter.” Matt replied, passing out on the hard stone floor.
“O-K.” Doobie muttered, focusing on the locks and chains. “I’m gonna go back to smashing up these locks, you just lie there.
Doobie got up, walked up to the box and gave it his hardest kick. The box repelled him back onto the wall with a sickening crack. Once again he slid down the wall into a puddle of himself.
“Oh, there’s a key here.” Spike said as he picked up a key lying near the box.
“Y- you fuckin’ wot, mate?” Doobie said.
Spike shoved the key into the lock. He turned the key clockwise until the lock popped out. Matt suddenly arose from his cheese induced trip and dragged himself towards Spike, who was reaching to open the mysterious box.
“What’s all this then, chaps?” In reality it sounded more like “Ffsh, gaargghffpfllf.” he just gargled and threw up a little.
Doobie tapped Spike on the shoulder. “Allow me.” He muttered, placing his hooves around the lid of the box. The box was opened and the three misfits peeked inside.
“A spell book. Hmmm...” Spike said
“Yo Fingers, you’re not high on cheese or suffering from a concussion. Figure out what the fuck the title of this is.” Doobie demanded, picking up the large black book and burying it in Spike’s face.
“T- t-...”
“T- t- t- TODAY, JUNIOR!” Matt chundered.
“T- Twilight’s personal fillyphoedia files.”
“What? Give me that shit!” Doobie yelled as he grabbed the book and shoved his face into the pages. He couldn’t read at the moment because of his head being smacked against a wall twice but he could make out the pictures. A bunch of saucy doodles of a foal fiddling nature mostly comprised of the CMC.
“Sweet Celestia of Equestria! She’s a pedo!” Doobie yelled.
Matt snatched the book from Doobie and looked at the pictures, flipping through the pages and looking more aroused with every glance. Stupid sexy ponies.
“Could you guys, uh... Maybe give me a minute or five?” Matt said, engrossed in the book.
“Sure thing, you disgusting wanker.” Said Doobie as he dragged Applejack up the stairs into the main room of the library, Spike at his heels.
Doobie closed the door and threw Applejack into the centre of the room.
“Well, it looks like it’s up to us to reanimate Applejack.” Spike said.
“It would appear that way. Unfortunately my normally awful magic is either going to be awful or amazing due to this concussion.” Doobie said.
“Well, if we don’t try we’ll never know.” Spike said as he pushed Doobie closer to the faceless former Applejack.
“Alright. Here goes...”
Doobie leaned forward and aimed his horn at the dead body. The horn lit up and he fired a bolt of random magic at it. The only thing that accomplished was severing one of the back legs.
“...Shit. That’s not supposed to come off.” Doobie said.
Doobie suddenly had a borderline retarded idea, although he didn’t know that. He grabbed Spike and squeezed him like a cake icer. A stream of magical fire shot out of spike and hit the leg, evaporating it and sending it out of the window in a green stream of flame.
“Dude! Do you realise what you’ve done?” Spike shouted.
“Not entirely.” Doobie said.
*******
Princess Celestia was reading the latest issue of Banana Fancy when a stream of magical fire came through her window.
“Ah, this must be the new friendship report from Twilight I was told about!” She said, putting her magazine down and waiting for the scroll to materialize.
Instead of what she expected, the magical fire took slightly longer to manifest into the object that was originally sent and instead of being a scroll, an orange severed pony leg popped up and fell to the ground with a splat.
Confused and disgusted, Princess Celestia gagged and almost threw up onto her expensive shag carpeting. Why on earth would Twilight send her such an atrocity? And whose leg was it? Maybe Twilight was in terrible danger! She would depart for Ponyville at once.
********
“...Oh.” Doobie said after Spike had given the details on where the leg would go.
“Yeah. Now what are we going to do?” Spike asked.
“Well, if I was Celestia right now I would be reading Banana Fancy. So I’d say we still have plenty of time before she gets here demanding an explanation. Let’s get back to work.”
Doobie charged up his horn and fired a second bolt of seemingly random magic at Applejack’s body. This time instead of causing considerable damage to it he had turned it into what looked like an orange toilet with some of it missing.
He looked frustrated and fired a third bolt, this time turning the former dead pony into a stylish sweater.
A fourth time, she was now a small figurine of a pig.
After many attempts he changed her into a rolled up carpet, a box of golden nuggets, a hamster cage, a chicken drumstick, a microwave and a large wheel of cheese.
The door to the basement burst open and a sweaty Matt walked in. He saw the wheel of cheese and immediately darted for it leaving a Matt shaped vapour trail behind him.
“Matt, NO!” Spike and Doobie screamed.
It was already too late, Matt had zoomed over to the cheese and swallowed it before you could say hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia
“Well, fuck. Good job Matt, you just ate Applejack!” Doobie hollered.
“What? That wasn’t Applefuck, that was cheese.” Matt said.
“Doobie had been changing her into different things trying to reanimate her!” Spike shouted.
“Oh. Well, I can fix this.” Matt said.
Matt shoved his entire hoof down his own throat, making himself vomit up the now destroyed cheese wheel. It looked more like cottage cheese.
“Great. Now how are we going to reanimate her? We’re fucked!” Doobie said.
“Oh, reanimate her? That’s what we’re doing? I thought we were gonna have her for lunch or something.” Matt said. He lowered his horn, pointed it at the pile of gooey cheese on the floor and blasted it with magic.
The lump of cheese began to move, barely retaining its shape.
“Sweet unmerciful satan, that’s horrible!” Doobie shouted, moving away from the blob of Applejack/Cheese that was trying to move towards him.
“Well... I think we should take her to the hospital or something.” Matt said, scraping up the bubbling muck into a paper bag.
“But won’t the feds be on our asses because we dragged Appledead through ponyville?” Doobie questioned.
“Alright, fuck that idea. Fingers! Come up with an idea quick.” Matt hollered.
“Uh, you could put our disguises back on.”
“Sounds like a plan. Doobie, get your mask.” Matt said, taking his wizard cloak out of his mane and putting it on. Spike fetched his adorable little pirate outfit.
Doobie set to work making a new mask since people would be suspicious of Big Macintosh walking around town with a wizard and a pirate.
He got some paper, string and crayons and drew a crude face vaguely depicting Princess Luna.
“P- Princess! What are you doing here?” Spike said while bowing.
“Shut up bitch, I ain’t Princess Moonbutt.” Doobie said, taking off the mask. “Pretty convincing, right?”
“Yeah. You gave me quite a scare there.” Matt said. “Anyway, we better dump this bag of Applecheddar into emergency care before we get distracted by something mind numbingly retarded.”
“Sounds like a plan- Oh what’s this?” Doobie spoke, turning his head and looking at a floating orb of light that had just spawned before him. The floating orb emitted a sudden beam of light, temporarily blinding the three chaps.
“Bloody ‘ell, dafuq is that?” Matt shrieked, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. He could only imagine that the others were doing the same. A few seconds of retina burning light later, the three opened their eyes and feasted them upon the large white alicorn that stood before them.
“S-Spike... I think she got our mail.” Matt muttered, barely keeping up his manly voice.
“Will one of you explain why,” Celestia shouted, throwing down Applejack’s amputated leg on the floor. “THIS was sent to me!?”
“...” Matt answered
Celestia surveyed the room having not been handed a swift explanation. A sudden voice crackled out from behind her.
“Oh-Oh... Y-You umm.. You see... We can uh..” Doobie stuttered
Celestia spun around and laid her eyes upon Doobie. Her eyes widened and her face looked even more confused; but luckily, for their sake, she no longer looked blinded with rage.
“L-Luna... What are you doing here?” Celestia questioned
“Oh.. Uhh.. Well.” Doobie started, he spotted Matt and Spike making gestures behind Celestia's back. “I mean... Sup ‘Tia, what seems to be the problem?”
“The problem is that a certain dragon going by the name of Spike mailed me a severed pony leg from this location a few minutes ago.”
Doobie pointed towards the others. “N- no dragon here, Just a pirate and a wizard, nothing strange about that.” He said, sweating buckets and shitting bricks.
“Shit, he’s not used to talking to other people. He’s gonna blow it.” Matt whispered to Spike.
“Okay, but how did this leg get mailed to me if Spike isn’t around?”
“Oh-Oh you see umm... W- well-”
“There was a robbery!” Matt shouted, interrupting the now soaking wet Doobie.
“A robbery?” She questioned.
“Y-Yeah, this orange cunt wanted to steal Twilight’s fridge. Unluckily for her, she didn’t count on us saving the day.” Matt explained, Winking at the other two. “Purple pete charged at her and with one swift swipe of his cutlass, she was left legless. Well almost, she only lost one leg. Using my amazing wizard skills, I charged up a powerful hadouken and blasted her into the stratosphere, and by that I mean into a gooey mess on the floor.”
“So why did an amputated leg materialize on my desk then?” Celestia asked, not fully taken in by Matt’s crazy hard to believe bullshit.
“Oh.. Well uhh..” Matt shrugged, he looked at Doobie who has somewhat calmed down.
“We felt that she had gotten off lightly. So we scooped the mess into a doggie bag and attempted to re-animate her, so you could punish her. I tried to but I couldn’t, so I thought I could just to sent it to you and let you deal with it. I must have missed and sent you the severed limb instead. Sorry sis.” Doobie explained, using the disguise to it’s full potential.
Celestia took a few steps back and thought the situation through in her head.
“Hmm... Seems legitimate. Perhaps we should take what is left of Applejack to the hospital. I am sure they will be able to do something about putting her back together and then I shall be able to punish her for attempting to steal the most treasured appliance in any kitchen.”
“What a great idea! Let’s go there right now! Come on, Princesses, I’ll lead the way.” Matt chundered, walking out of the door frame where the door had once resided before it was blasted off of its hinges in a fantastic display of corpse throwing.
As the somewhat strange quartet of people; A small dragon dressed as a pirate, a fantastic and devilishly handsome wizard, a princess and a sweaty pony expertly disguised as another princess walked through the town on the way to the Ponyville Hospital ponies stopped and stared. Most of them bowed out of respect and/or fear as the two princesses walked by.
As they neared the hospital Matt, Spike and Luna (Doobie) hung back a little.
“S- sister? Maybe me, the wizard and the pirate should stay out here while you go in.” Said Doobie, throwing the bag of Applejack to Celestia.
“I’m not entirely sure why, but if that is what you wish, I will go in alone, sister.” Celestia said, looking confused but respecting her sister’s wishes. She walked into the hospital alone with the bag in tow.
“Now, lets see if we can play our pastel colored friends a wee visit, shall we? Matt enquired
“Well... Twilight won’t recognise us with our disguises on and all, but fluttershy will.” Spike said, pointing his cute little sword at Matt.
“Meh, they’re all probably in too bad a condition to respond to our presence, let alone scream for help.”
“An opportunity to spark fear in the eyes of those whom I have wronged, sounds like a wonderful idea to me.” Doobie announced.
**************
“What do you mean visiting hours are over? Matt hollered to the nurse sitting behind the desk.
“By that I mean visiting hours are over.” The mare replied, keeping her ‘fucks’ to herself.
“What about that princess bitch, how come you let her wide flank in?”
“Because she’s the princess...”
Matt turned to the others and signaled for some help. Doobie, who had removed the Luna mask for the moment, stood beside Matt and looked over the desk the nurse was sat behind. He studied her desk for a brief moment before turning his attention back to Matt.
“Don’t worry Matt, I got this.” He smiled, turning and looking at the lazy nurse.
“So... Another lonely friday night for the pretty nurse, ‘ey.” Doobie asked, raising one eyebrow and leaning on the side of the desk with a suggestive grin.
“It’s wednesday afternoon.” She grunted, turning the page of her magazine.
“Whatcha reading there? Doobie asked, looking over at her magazine. “B- Banana fancy... Sounds interesting.”
“Urgh... What do you want?” She hollered, casting her magazine into the trash.
Spooked by this sudden change in volume, Doobie instantly lost his cool. As if on cue, he began sweating like an elephant on a treadmill.
“Uhh.. Uhh.. J- J-” He stuttered
“Why don’t you just take your stupid gang of freaks and your pathetic own ass and just GO AWAY!” She thundered at the sweat covered stallion who stood before her.
“J- Je mange la piscin.” Doobie whimpered, slipping slightly on his own fluids.
“ARGH! That’s it, I’m taking my break now.
“You were working?” Matt questioned.
“Ugh. The people you’re looking for are in room 1337. Now leave me alone.” She said as she left the desk.
“Thanks, I appreciate it. Cuntbag.” Doobie said under his breath.
“What was that?” She asked, looking back.
“Mon fromage, elle pue!” He said hastily.
She gave him a look that said he should be in the looney bin and walked off.
Doobie put his mask back on.
“Let’s do this.”
*******
Celestia trotted into room 1337, having been told by the mare at the desk that there was something she needed to see. As she looked around she let out a horrified gasp. There, on separate beds, were the elements of harmony.
Fluttershy was lying down nearly motionless, a flaky mess of black and red. Her body had been burned beyond recognition and she was missing a back leg that was bandaged over at the knee. Her face had a fixed expression of terror, as the fire burned away at her it left her with the same expression she was having at the time.
Pinkie pie looked to be in a similar state, except some of her burns were third degree and she had a pump coming out of her stomach that was taking out broken glass, bile and what looked like random pieces of rubbish. Most of her body was bandaged up.
Rarity was asleep on her bed with a bandage covering her entire head. It was obvious that she had been beaten with a large object because the bandages were stained red and her horn was snapped off. The bandages near her eyes were also stained with a clear liquid that was most likely tears.
Rainbow Dash had both of her legs and the bottom of her torso in casts, Probably from something extremely heavy landing on her. Along with the casts were a series of tubes connecting to her mouth, a hole in her neck and her chests where her lungs were. The pipes on her mouth and neck her putting air into her lungs while the two pipes in her chest were pumping the remaining water out.
Finally she turned her attention to the end of the room where Twilight lay. She looked like she had been ripped limb from limb by some wild animal. Blood stained the bed and the bandages that covered her torso. Out of her four legs only one remained, which looked like it had been used as some monstrocity’s chewtoy. Along her face were deep scratches and bites, covering her body was the same pattern.
Celestia dropped the bag of Applejack and galloped over to Twilight with tears in her eyes.
“Twilight! Can you hear me? Who did this to you, to all of you?” Celestia said, choking back a torrent of tears.
“P- Princess...” Twilight said, weakly turning her head to look at her noble teacher.
“What is it, my faithful student?” Celestia said, horrified and disgusted at what had happened to her little ponies.
Just as Twilight was about to say something, the wizard, the pirate and the Luna imposter tumbled in.
“Luna! You said you were going to stay outside. Well, that doesn’t matter now. Look at what has become of the elements of harmony!” Celestia almost shouted, tears streaming down her face.
“That’s some shonky business right there.” Doobie said, not even trying to impersonate Luna.
“W- What?” Celestia questioned, confused by her sister’s choice of vocabulary.
“I said you’re a punk ass bitch and I’m a mushroom cloud layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker.” Doobie said to the weeping princess in front of her.
“How can you say something like that? What has gotten into you, sister?” Celestia cried.
“I’ve got a surprise for you, Princess Shitface. BOOM!” doobie hollered as he tore is expertly crafted mask off to reveal the sweaty spaghetti lord underneath the clever ruse.
“...Wat?” Celestia said.
Twilight began trying to wriggle out of her hospital bed, but being covered in bandages and obviously injured it was a lost cause. Those ponies who were actually capable of seeing looked on in fear. Fluttershy aimed her eye that wasn’t burnt off at Doobie. Pinkie still had two functioning eyes but her head was fixed facing the other way, she could only guess what was happening, it would be easier if her ears weren't burnt off.
Matt and Spike removed their costumes, Matt keeping his wizard hat on. Upon seeing Spike, Twilight began thrashing around.
“S- Spike! What are you doing with these two? They put our friends in hospital!” Twilight rasped, trying to move towards her #1 assistant. As she only had one limb and was being held together mostly by stitches she decided to just tell Princess Celestia what was up.
“Princess, Those two ponies kidnapped Spike and did this to the bearers of the elements! They are why we are all like this!” Twilight said as the others who could move nodded their agreement.
“What? Why would you two ponies do something so horrible?” Celestia said to the two unicorns standing before her.
Doobie shrugged. “Dunno mate. Ask Matt here.”
Matt shrugged as well. “Can’t tell ya, love. Maybe Spike knows.”
Spike, unsurprisingly, shrugged. “I was just doing what I was told and having a bit of fun, Princess.”
Celestia’s face slowly contorted with rage. How could these three people, Spike especially, do such monstrous things to these good ponies and then not even know why? How could anyone be so evil?
“Spike, Doobie, Matt...” Celestia started to say.
“MAGIC Matt.” Matt corrected.
“...Magic Matt... You will all be taken to the Canterlot Dungeons and given the utmost penalty for your barbaric crimes. How you could do such things I do not know, but what I do know is that you will NOT get away with it.”
“Is that so, Princess?” Said Doobie, edging towards Matt and Spike.
“Yes, indeed it is. Your crimes will end here and now. Nopony shall do things like this and not be puni- What are you doing?”
Doobie grabbed Matt and Spike and sprinted for the window, jumping out of it and smashing the glass.
“Fuck tha police!” He screamed as he and the others flew down two storeys.
A loud crack and then a scream could be heard from below. Celestia decided to just walk down the stairs and out of the building as it sounded as though the three had been injured hitting the ground and would not be going anywhere fast.
*******
Doobie climbed up from the broken and mangled body of a nurse and helped up the unharmed Spike and the somewhat shaken up Matt.
“Quick, Matt. Set the hospital on fire. That’ll slow down Princess Assfuck.” Doobie said.
“...Sure.” Matt replied as he aimed his horn to the hospital front door and thought about hot things. Like the sun. And chillies. And dead girls.
A burst of flame shot out of Matt’s magnificent throbbing horn and ignited the exit of the hospital. He then aimed it at the window they had come out of and a few other place on the outside of the hospital to make sure it burned properly. The hospital was now completely blazing.
“Doobie, don’t you still have a concussion? What happened to that?” Spike enquired.
“hmm... Y’know, I'm not sure. But oh well, So far our time in ponyville has made as much sense as some bad fanfiction.
All three guys took a few seconds to look at the author of the fanfic disapprovingly. Assholes.
The hospital now looked like a massive fireball. The foundations of the building started to crumble and the entire structure started to collapse. The roof caved in and the walls cracked and fell. Nothing was left except for rubble and flames.
A white hoof punched through a large rock and soon after followed Princess Celestia, looking battered and grey with dust but saved by her Alicorn strength and magic.
“YOU!” She screamed at the three guys as they stood there shitting bricks with fear.
Matt, thinking quickly, lowered his head and sent a ball of bright light straight into Celestia’s face, momentarily blinding and disorientating her.
“CHEESE IT!” Doobie yelled as they bolted off down the path before the Princess stopped stumbling around and saw which way they went.
A note from the authors: Well, this extra large chapter is the end of the story. For now. We hope you have enjoyed this awful shitsmeared magic fuckery we call a fanfic. See you later you silly cunts.
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
The two best friends Wesley and Matt were sitting on their cheap sofa watching antiques roadshow with their favourite meal, Rustlers burgers and Dr. pepper, along with a copious amount of weed.
There was a knock at the door and Wesley got up to answer it. Wesley was getting extremely nervous, thinking that a policeman might be at the door. He grabbed the doorknob with his sweaty hand and slipped on it a few times before getting a grip. He pulled the door open, ready for what was coming.
“What seems to be the officer, problem? Was I speeding?” said Wesley after the marijuana cloud coming out of the door has dispersed.
“What are you on about, Wesley? It’s me. Patrick.” Said the fat dude at the door.
“Oh, right. Come on in, buddy.” Said Wesley as he started walking back to the sofa.
“Hey guys, I found this lamp on my way back from asda and I thought you guys would like it.” Said Patrick.
“Let’s put gravy in it and have a roast dinner!” Shouted Matt, waving his arms in the air like he just didn’t care.
“Matt, it’s not a gravy boat you buffoon. It’s obviously a Genie’s lamp. give me that shit so i can rub it.” Demanded Wesley.
Patrick handed the supposed “Genie’s Lamp” to Wesley, Wesley then rubbed the lamp with all his might while Matt finished his rustlers burger and took another hit from the bong.
Roughly 40 seconds of rubbing and a severely friction burnt hand later, Wesley in all of his wisdom concluded that not only was the lamp not a Genie’s lamp, but also that friction burns really hurt.
“Here, Matt.” said Wesley, throwing the lamp to Matt and hitting him in the face with it. “Go put some gravy in this gravy boat.”
Matt ran into the kitchen and opened the cupboard, pulling out his “Aah! Bisto” gravy out and put the kettle on.
“Here mate, take a hit from this.” said Wesley, as he handed Patrick the bong.
“I dunno man, you know how I get when I’m high...”
“What’s the worst that could happen, you pansy?”
At that, Patrick took the bong, grabbed the lighter and took a rather large hit.
He held it in for an impressive 40 seconds before breathing out, his eyes now bloodshot and a smile on his face.
Matt was in the kitchen, about to pour boiling water into the lamp. As he did so, a thunderous noise reverberated throughout the house and the lamp began to rise up into the air and glow an electric blue.
“Wesley, Patrick! Get your asses in here, some shit’s goin’ down!” screamed Matt and he backed away from the lamp.
As Wesley and Matt stumbled into the room, a blue hand smashed through the lid of the lamp. A forearm soon followed, along with a head and soon the rest of the mysterious creature.
“WHO DARES AWAKE OSWALD THE GRAVY GENIE?”
“That would be me, mighty sir.” said matt, shivering in his boots.
“Wow, that is one ugly wizard. I bet he doesn’t even do good magic.” said Patrick as the other two guys looked at him in horror.
“I AM NOT A WIZARD! YOU DOUBT MY POWER?”
“I do.”
Oswald the powerful and pissed off gravy genie conjured a bolt of lightning that struck Patrick in the chest, killing him instantly. The two stoners who weren’t now dead looked at oswald in shock.
“Dude, you need to calm down!”
“AND HOW WOULD YOU PROPOSE WE DO THAT, MORTAL?”
**********
The gravy genie and the two stoners were sitting on the sofa watching adverts. Oswald had just taken his second hit from the bong.
“That’s some good shit, man.”
“Fo sho. So do we get 3 wishes or something?” said Wesley, passing the bong to matt.
“Sure, I don’t see why not. My jimmies have been rustled for 400 years inside that lamp. It’s the least I can do for yous guys.”
“I want 30 bacon sandwiches!” shouted Matt, looking excited.
“Done.” Oswald said, clicking his fingers and materialising thirty delicious bacon sandwiches next to Matt.
“Oh, oh! And fill my room with jelly!”
“Done.” Oswald said again, clicking his fingers.
Matt’s bedroom door swung open, allowing a colossal pile of jelly to fall out into the hallway.
“Yay!” screamed Matt as he jumped onto the sticky mess.
“Alright, enough of matt’s retarded wishes, now it’s my turn.” Said Wesley.
“What will it be, chum?” Said Oswald, readying his fingers.
“Hmm. I’ll have to think about it.” Wesley mumbled, scratching his chin.
“Take your time, bro.”
Just as Wesley looked up at the Television, inspiration struck. In the form of pastel coloured ponies.
“Friendship is magic!” Exclaimed Wesley, as Matt looked up from his pile of jelly.
“Is it on?” said matt, running over to the sofa.
My little pony: friendship is magic was Wesley and Matt’s favourite show ever, they never missed an episode.
“Alright, Oswald. I have my wish.”
“What is your wish, friend?”
“I want me and Matt to go to equestria.”
The genie smiled and got ready to click his fingers.
“Done.”
Doobie and Magic Matt ruin Ponyville
The massacre at Fluttershy's cottage
By the time the two stoner fucks and the purple midget got to Fluttershy’s cottage it was dark and cold, Spike was shivering and matt’s nose was running.
Doobie knocked on fluttershy’s door a few times and sat down, waiting for her to answer it. They heard rustling and then hoofsteps, then the door opened with a very tired looking fluttershy on the other side.
“Y- yes? can i help you? It’s rather late...”
“Hello miss, me and my friends here were just on our way to ponyville when we spotted your wonderful chickens around their pen and we thought we may be able to purchase one of them from you.” said Doobie, with a big smile.
Fluttershy looked past Doobie to see Matt and Spike playing rock paper scissors, Spike winning every time because matt could only do rock.
“Spike? Who are these guys? Where’s Twilight?” asked Fluttershy, obvious confused and a little scared at the two ponies she had never met before.
“They’re cool guys Fluttershy, Twilight got mauled by a manticore so they’re taking care of me and the library.” said spike, getting up and walking over the Fluttershy.
“Oh dear! I hope she’s okay. You three should come in, it’s too cold outside. I’ll make some tea.” Fluttershy said, waking up a little upon hearing the bad news.
Spike and the two disgruntled gentlemen trotted into the cottage, Fluttershy went to the kitchen and put the kettle on, getting cups, sugar and tea bags from the various cupboards.
“Awful business it was,” said Doobie, taking a sip from the delicious cup. “Me and Magic Matt here were just minding our own business getting a book out in the library when this manticore bursts through the door and grabs Twilight! Needless to say me and Matt jumped into the action and tried to stop the beast from devouring her, but alas we were too late and ge had already chewed her up quite a bit and swallowed her. After that I started to slap the manticore’s shit while Matt here went down through it’s mouth and into the manticore’s belly where he retrieved the battered Twilight. Of course she thanked us and was taken to the hospital after telling us to look after Spike and the library.”
“wow...” Fluttershy said, staring at Doobie like he was some sort of hero.
“but that’s not how it-” Spike said before Doobie gave him a light slap on the mug.
“So, where are you from?” Fluttershy asked, still admiring Doobie.
“Oh, we’re from, er...” Doobie stuttered, trying to think of a place in Equestria that was believable due to their British accents. “Trottingham.”
“Oh, Trottingham? I’ve heard stories about that place. There’s a little colt from trottingham who lives in ponyville, his name is Pipsqueak.”
Magic Matt’s stomach began to rumble, hearing this Doobie jumped to the point.
“So um... Fluttershy, we were thinking maybe we could take one of your chickens off of your hands.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t split up the chickens. Please don’t be upset, but I’m going to have to say no...” Fluttershy said, hiding behind her mane a little and looking scared.
“Well, that’s okay. I’m sure we can find a chicken somewhere else, Fluttershy. We should get going now anyway, to check up on the library.” said Doobie, getting up and walking to the door.
“But what about the dip-” Magic Matt began before being stopped by Doobie.
“Well I guess we’ll be going now, thanks for inviting us over Fluttershy!”
“Oh, well I didn’t really invite-”
“Thank you again, Fluttershy.” Magic Matt interrupted, following Doobie and Spike out of the cottage.
As the three fucks left the cottage, closing the door behind them, Doobie and Magic Matt turned to Spike.
“Hey Fingers, head over to the coop and whack those egg laying motherfuckers.” Magic Matt said, handing Spike a rusty shovel he had just picked up from the ground.
“You mean the chickens? Spike questioned
“Bingo.”
“You want me to do what to them?”
“Whack em, you know... Smash their fuck ugly faces in.” Doobie answered, grinning ear to ear.
Spike stared at the two British stallions for a moment while contemplating the situation.
“Yo Fingers... We haven’t got all day.” Magic Matt said, oblivious to the actual time being early in the morning.
“You want me to murder Fluttershy’s chickens?”
“Yes.” Answered the two stallions
“Why?” Asked Spike
“Chicken dippers!” Magic Matt muttered in a delightful tone
“Spike... Are you trying to tell us that you’re too pussy?” Doobie Asked Spike.
“No, I just don’t want to kill innocent chickens.”
“Spike... Me and Magic Matt have only ever been nice to you, giving you weed, hanging out with you, getting rid of that Twilight bitch, And all we ask for in return... Is for you to scramble a few brains. Is that too much to ask?”
“I guess not, thanks guys! You’re the best” Said Spike, happily walking towards the Chicken coop, shovel in hand.
“Pfffff, not even you are that stupid.” Doobie chuckled turning towards Magic Matt only to find he’d fucked off with Spike.
“Urgh...”
“No need, spike.” Doobie said “That Flutterbitch didn’t want to hand over the chickens when we asked. So we’re going to make sure she’s in for one hell of a shock when she wakes up.”
“But she always wakes up at 4am to feed the animals!” Spike replied
Magic Matt dropped the tangle of chicken organs he was holding and looked at the moon.
“By the distance of the moon to the earth’s horizon, I’d say we’re fucked.”
“Cheese it!” Doobie said, getting up and sprinting away.
Matt and Spike picked up as many loose bits of unwanted chicken guts, heads, feet and feathers as they could and threw them into the chicken pen, then ran for it.
Fluttershy was in her kitchen getting some food for the chickens as the two ponies and the dragon were nearing the library, chicken bodies in tow.
From the library they heard a shrill scream, surely Fluttershy seeing what had become of her chickens.
