They couldn’t stop us all.
The Nevada desert rumbled as we ran. 300 000 men and women, boys and girls, and even some old fucks who somehow hadn’t died of exposure yet, all converging to a single point.
Area 51. One of the most secretive and well-protected military bases in the United States of America. We were all united in our journey through the desert with one single goal in mind.
See dem aliens.
Clap dem alien cheeks.
We were only the running cavalry. Surrounding the base were the auxiliary groups that would help us storm the place for good. The Chad Corps to the north, the Cheek Clappers Reserve to the west, the Karen Screamer Brigade right next to us, and as a surprise, Keanu Reeves had joined our cause and was coming from the southwest.
The beginning of the run had been easy. Too easy even. Miles and miles of empty, defenseless land now bore the marks of countless cheap sneakers and chinese-knockoff running shoes.
Hey, times are hard, and we made due with what we could. Adodas is a perfectly good brand, as is Niki and Vens (granted you don’t mind working the hot glue gun a bit).
Friendships bloomed by themselves on the journey. Mostly because running in complete silence is absolute torture. As the base slowly came into view, I turned to my companion for the trip: a certain xXxPussySlayer69xXx.
It probably wasn’t his real name. Probably. You never know in this day and age, when stupid names like Brayxen, Jayxen, and Kevin are the norm.
“So, it appears we finally have arrived, my friend,” I say between two handful of Doritos and a swig of Mountain Dew. “It has been a long journey, but at last it is coming to an end.”
I was this perfectly eloquent, trust me.
“It looks like it,” xXxPussySlayer69xXx replied. “It was almost as long as the time I fucked those two girls in my hot tub for hours. Man, I was sore at the end.”
“ATTENTION ALL TRESPASSERS!” We let out a collective gasp as the high-pitched whine of a siren sounded in the near distance. “TURN BACK AT ONCE OR YOU WILL BE SHOT WITH IMPUNITY!”
My heart raced in my chest, and I felt a tension running through the crowd. But we knew what had to be done. We couldn’t let the government keep hiding the truth from us!
“Okay everyone, like we practiced!”
We reacted like one massive body fueled with the power of pure weebness. At once, we dropped our shoulder and let our arms flail behind us, channeling the infinite power of the Naruto run. The world became a blur as our speed increased tenfold, and bullets zipped passed us, easily dodged by us in our state of ecstasy. One or two bounced off the rim of my fedora and I smiled as my style proved superior to all others. High caliber bullets and rockets ricocheted off harmlessly from our vanguard’s shields: body pillows engineered by Elon Musk himself, on which highly detailed catgirls winked seductively at whoever looked at them.
“Oh wow, this is almost too easy!” xXxPussySlayer69xXx kept pace with me, his legs almost invisible he was running so fast. “Almost as easy as picking up chicks at a bar. I swear, one time I just looked at a group of them — a beautiful blonde, a gorgeous ginger, and a bitchy brunette — and next thing I knew I was balls deep in them.”
“In them? Which one? The blonde, the ginger, or the brunette?”
He thought for a second. “Yes.”
I heard the guards call for reinforcement, and helicopters started buzzing around us, showering us with a hail of machine gun fire. We backflipped and frontflipped, danced like DDR gods to avoid the deadly shower. Some of the less worthy ones fell with a dab of defeat as more and more choppers filled the sky. They closed in on us, mowing down the sidelines, the Naruto run unable to outpace so many bullets at once. Defeat seemed imminent, until a yeet sounded in the distance, and the sound of squeaking unicycles filled the air.
Here came dem bois.
An army of green-clad bois pedaled their way into the fray, drawing the helicopters away from the main group. The guards on the rapidly-approaching base desperately tried to get them back on track, but it was hopeless. The helicopters let themselves be baited to Keanu Reeves, who brought them down with some sick karate moves.
“Man, I’m happy to see them arrive at last,” xXxPussySlayer69xXx said with a grin. “I’m almost as happy to see them as I was when my girlfriend brought her five pornstar friends for a sevensome.”
However, what I saw next made me realize the true extent of the military’s strategic genius.
Around the base, stretching for several yards, were rows and rows of Minecraft fences.
“It’s over!” xXxPussySlayer69xXx cried out. “We can’t jump over those! Not like I can jump eight girls at a time and still have some spare for a dozen more!”
He was right, and as soon as the front lines reached the fences, they tried jumping over them, resulting only in them jumping in place while the guards riddled their bodies with bullets.
“My friends, I fear this is goodbye.” Tears poured handsomely from my eyes. The fences were too close to avoid now. In the next second or so, we would be shot down without mercy.
“No…” xXxPussySlayer69xXx took a deep breath. “No, I have a confession to make. See, this whole time I’ve been untruthful with you. My name… is a lie. I’m… not a real pussy slayer. I never even saw a woman naked before. No, I only started wearing the name xXxPussySlayer69xXx to look cool, and because people liked it. I started believing it and started spinning those lies and falsehoods, all so I could finally have some friends. But I realize now, this all was for nothing. Even now, that I met you, my friend, I know that this… is not what I want. This is not what I need.”
“Then tell me, xXxPussySlayer69xXx!” I cried out, as we were about to hit the fences aaaaany second now. “Tell me, what do you need? I will do my best to give it to you before we die a horrible, painful death.”
“I need…” xXxPussySlayer69xXx took a long, deep breath. “I need about treefiddy.”
It was at that moment I noticed xXxPussySlayer69xXx was 500 feet tall and from the paleolithic era.
I blinked. “Cash or credit?”
“Heh. You’re a good friend.”
He bent down and lifted me by my super awesome flame-pattern shirt, and I barely had time to put a hand over my fedora so it didn’t get blown away from the sudden lift.
“YEET!” xXxPussySlayer69xXx yelled and threw me over the 300 meters of fences like a trebuchet. At that moment, a torrent of bullets and rockets ripped his massive body apart.
“NOOO!” I screamed as I plummeted toward the ground. “xXxPussySlayer69xXx, you can’t die now! We have so much to do, so much to see, you can’t leave me hanging like that! What will I do without my very best friend, alone in this cruel, cruel world?”
However, before I could start on a flashback arc, I crashlanded, shattering the rooftop of the base and falling right into a busy corridor. Hundreds of armed guards pointed their guns at me.
Full of rage, crushed by the lost of my very best and most long-lasting friend, I looked at them with eyes of fury, and they took a step back before my alpha dominating presence.
I. Would. Make. Them. Pay.
“Master, forgive me,” I whispered under my breath, crumbs of cheetos falling from my beard. “But I’ll have to go all out… just this once.”
I reached under my trenchcoat before they could react, my hands too fast for their feeble eyes to see, and brought out my three most trusted companions (aside from xXxPussySlayer69xXx before he became a bloody sludge): Blood, Rage, and Havoc. Three of the finest katanas my expert eyes had the honour to see. Folded over a million times, etched with uber-cool patterns of flames and dripping blood, sharpened to a razor’s edge, and brand new from the weapons store at Walmart. I bit into Havoc’s grip, and the guards gasped as they realized I knew the secret technique of the Santoryu (three sword style for the uninitiated) I obtained through hardcore training and mind-shattering effort. Marathoning all of One Piece in two week is no easy task.
As soon as they realized what was happening, the guards screamed and opened fire, but I spun and swung, and cut every bullet shot my way with expert precision like they were going in slow motion, the supremacy of japanese steel triumphing over the crude american metal, butter-soft in comparison. They fell one by one under my blades, blood splattering over the walls and the floor, until silence fell in the corridor, only intermittently broken by my heavy wheezing. I sheathed the katanas and bowed respectfully to my opponents. The head of one of the guards rolled off his neck in answer.
“Subeki koto sumimasen,” I said, which perfectly translates (just trust me on that one) to: “I am sorry for what I had to do”, for the uninitiated.
I wiped off the greasy sweat from my forehead and smoothed my beard, cheeto dust falling to my feet as I did. I tipped my fedora, and, spotting a door with TOP SECRET DO NOT OPEN written on it, took out Havoc and sliced the flimsy steel door to pieces.
In the middle of a large, circular room was a mirror. Just a regular, old-looking, standing mirror about half again my size (which is rather large, as I am above average at 5’9.5” after all).
As I was staring at my handsome self, something appeared from within the mirror over my reflection. I considered it coolly as the high-level thinking atheist I was. It was a face, that was for certain, as a basic analysis revealed two rather large eyes staring at me, a nose, and a mouth. However, it was also strangely equine, in a cute, toyish way. Round, soft, the thing had a mint-coloured coat (more specifically, very light aquamarine) and a pale, light, grayish cyan mane with white highlights. Its eyes were brilliant gamboge, and excited febrility shone brightly in them. More importantly, it had a glowing horn right dab in the middle of its forehead and—
A sudden force grabbed me and pulled me through the mirror. I screamed awesomely as I was slightly surprised by that, and I landed right on my butt in the middle of a dirt road in what appeared to be a quaint medieval village.
My jaw dropped open.
The thing that had brought me there had a drawing of a lyre on its croup. And around me, dozens upon dozens of… horse… pony… weird things walked and chatted in perfect English about the weather, and apples, and…
“HOLY SHIT!”
The words had escaped my mouth before I could stop them. This was real.
And butts.
Holy shit, butts.
Big, round, alien butts.
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!”
“Um… sir—” The mint-coloured thing started.
“ALIENS!”
I jumped, pounced, leapt, whatever you want to call it, behind the alien, and beheld it’s beautiful round ass for half a second before my hand went down on it with a resounding slap.
Area 51: stormed.
Dem aliens: seen.
Dem cheeks: clapped.
Yep.. it’s gamer time.
I dabbed so hard I fainted.
Author's Note
Please end me.
