Twilight Writes a "Dear Seabiscuit" Letter
Dear Fluttershy,
I wish I knew how to say this face-to-face, but whenever I try I just can't. Either you're happy—or are you?—and I don't want to spoil it, or you're sad and I feel like a bully, or we're fighting and I know I'll say things I'll regret if I let myself start.
I'm not the pony for you. I wanted to be; for a while I even convinced myself that I was. I'm not, though.
Or maybe you're not the pony for me... I'm not really sure. I handle feelings the way Applejack handles advanced mathematics and Rainbow Dash handles long-term planning.
Remember when we first met? You were so shy that you couldn't say your name; it took Spike to get you out of your shell.
I admit that I was weirded out—and I probably didn't hide it well—but I also felt an odd thrill. Here was somepony who was actually worse at socializing than I was!
My interest only grew that night, when you tamed the manticore. Such a kind heart!
You know how we met of course, but I mention it because I think I started to love you that night. I've never told you that.
I've loved you for so long... That's another reason this letter is so hard to write.
I can't go on like this.
I love you, and I always will—I suppose that's Rainbow Dash's Loyalty rubbing off on me—but I can't be your lover anymore.
When it's good between us, it's so good. You're the kind, sweet, beautiful Fluttershy that everypony loves—and trust me, a lot of ponies would do very questionable things to be your coltfriend or fillyfriend—and I feel like the luckiest mare alive. It's everything I wanted as a filly... though of course back then I thought I'd be with a stallion. Surprise!
But when it's bad...
I wish—dear sweet Celestia how I wish—you'd let me know when I annoyed you. Right when I annoyed you, I mean.
I know I don't have the best interpony skills, or the best sense of what other ponies are thinking. When I feel neutral others think I'm annoyed. When I think I'm being helpful others think I'm criticizing. I like to think I've grown over time thanks to you and the other girls, but it's clearly not enough because I keep stepping on your tail. When I think I'm mildly annoyed you say I'm yelling at you.
I think I'm sounding whiny now... I don't even know that for sure. Even with all the books I've read I still don't know how to convey emotion properly in writing.
Like I was saying, I step on your tail a lot. I suppose that's another thing I share with Rainbow Dash: we're both abrasive. Whether my abrasiveness through ignorance is better than her abrasiveness through not giving a darn I leave to history to decide.
~~But why won't you just~~ tell ~~me when I annoy you?~~
Never mind; I know. It's because you're Fluttershy.
It's because you try to ignore the things that make you mad. It's because you can't bring yourself to confront ponies... not even the ponies who love and understand you.
You can't ignore the things that make you mad. It just builds and builds until you explode at me and we have one of our fights. They were bad enough when they happened at your cottage where nopony else could hear, but ~~you~~ we made Spike cry last time.
I can't do that again. I won't. I can't keep your explosions secret anymore, either... although from what I've heard you gave Rarity and Pinkie a taste when I was out of town a couple of months ago. Right up until then, any time anypony knew things were less-than-perfect between us I played it up as my fault. Hay, I used to believe it was always my fault, too; I don't know if you noticed during that whole enchant-the-town-into-loving-Smarty-Pants thing, but I don't have the best self-esteem.
While I'm sure I'll sound like that awful griffon, another part of the problem between us is your worldview.
Last night at Pinkie's party you pulled me aside. I knew you were still upset by our fight yesterday morning, but I thought that if you had to pull me away and make the other girls wonder—which they did—it would be to lay the fight to rest.
Do you remember what you said? I do.
"It's not your fault I'm upset, Twilight; it's mine. I go out into the world and I try to be Kind, and there's a part of me that expects that other ponies will give Kindness back. I shouldn't place that expectation on others... that way I won't be disappointed when they don't treat me the way I'd like. I'm sorry that I expected that of you."
Like I said, I don't always read ponies the way that they intend. Maybe you really were trying to apologize for your part of the fight, the way I'd already apologized for mine. I wanted to be Generous, so I tried to believe that. That's why I just nodded and walked back inside.
But it didn't feel like you were apologizing. It may just be me but it sounded like you were saying, "I'm Kind and you're a jerk, but because I'm so Kind I won't expect you to behave like a civilized pony."
You kind of made it sound like you—a pony who has stared down dragons and cockatrices, challenged Discord and Night Mare Moon, and outflown Rainbow Dash—were the helpless victim of mean old Twilight Sparkle.
Maybe you spend too much time with Rarity; I don't know.
Of course, it's maybes that are the problem here.
Maybe someday I'll be better at reading ponies and not annoying them. Maybe someday you'll learn to address what bothers you when it does so, instead of ~~saving it up~~ letting it fester.
I hope so.
If that day ever comes, I would love to be your fillyfriend again.
But until then, we'll have to just be friends.
Assuming I ever work up the willpower to give you this letter, of course.
All of my foalish love,
Twilight Sparkle
