Blunts, Brews, And Too Many Q's
Author's Note
Inspired by "Rarity Is Drunk. Again." by Equimorto.
Originally I intended this to be Pinkie getting drunk, but it turned into her getting high, and it became much funnier that way.
Have a laugh on me today, folks. Enjoy!
Because Pinkie Got High
Summer nights, filled with the scent of fresh grass, damp earth, and the smell of bonfires in the air. One such bonfire was at Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack hosted a summer cookout every year for her friends. hayburgers were grilled, cider was flowing, and good company was had by all. With all of her friends around her, and cooking to tend to, Applejack was a busy mare. She hadn’t kept tabs on the flow of cider as suggested by her brother. So when she found the barrel emptied, her first thought might have been to blame Rainbow Dash.
But, as shockingly as it turned out, that wasn’t the case.
Rainbow was fairly drunk on the cider. There wasn’t any doubt about that, but the pony who was far more drunk than she was Pinkie Pie.
This was uncharted territory. Rainbow had her history of drinking too much cider, and a share of sordid incidents. Those included flying while under the influence, kissing a married mare at a party (and apparently enjoying it, though she did deny it happening when sober), making too many trips to the emergency room because of stunts gone wrong, and trying to make out with a bush shaped like a pony. Yes, the rest of the mane six were used to Rainbow’s alcohol infused antics, but Pinkie Pie drunk was an animal they had never faced.
Pinkie Pie lay on the dirt, empty cider mug near her, laying down and looking up at the sky. The stars were out, and Pinkie seemed to be humming to herself. Rarity was the one who came to her.
“Pinkie Pie, darling, what are you doing laying in the dirt?”
“Watchin’ life happen, Rarity.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You ever think about where we come from? Like, how big the sky is and how small we are? Like, how did we get here? We’re so small and it’s so big, and it doesn’t make sense. There’s gotta be somethin’ bigger out there that we came from. So I figure we came from the stars. Our parents watchin’ over us in the beginning, and they sent us down here to watch over the world for ‘em.”
“Pinkie Pie, have you had too much to drink?”
“Prolly. ’N Fluttershy’s friend Tree Hugger let me have a smoke.”
“Darling… Are you high?”
“Yeah.”
“… How high are you?”
“5’11.”
Rarity looked dubious. “…Alright then.”
“Hey, Rares?”
“Er… Yes?”
“Who can see the future?”
“I’m sorry?”
“We all see our pasts, right? Well that means somepony has to be able to see the future, doesn’t it?”
“I… I’m not certain-“
“Starlight traveled through time. She can prolly see the future.”
“Alright, then.” Rarity said, slowly backing away.
Pinkie went back to humming, unaware that Twilight and Rarity were having a discussion. Eventually, Twilight came over.
“Pinkie, Rarity tells me you’re high.”
“As a kite.”
“You really should go home and get some sleep.”
“Twilight, how do stars have sex?”
“What?”
“Mrs. Cake used to read this story to Pound and Pumpkin called bedtime for baby star. And everypony knows that a mommy star and a daddy star have to have sex to make a baby star, so how do they do it?”
“Pinkie, stars can’t have sex. They just happen.”
“So they’re like virgins?”
“What?”
“You know, like that story of that virgin mare that had a baby but never had sex? Or did the daddy star have a vasectomy? How does that work?”
Twilight was flabbergasted. “Pinkie, stars don’t have bodies. They can’t have vasectomies or carry babies.”
“You talked about there being Celestial bodies, so- Oh, oh. Now it makes sense.”
“What does?"
“Celestia gave birth to the baby stars. That makes sense.”
“How does that make sense?”
“Celestia had sex with the Daddy stars, and had the baby stars. She can raise the sun, so clearly she could raise some baby stars.”
Twilight turned a shade of magenta yet unseen to pony kind. “I gotta go.”
“Happy trails, my mare.”
Twilight skittered away, face still a shade of puce, as Rainbow came up to her and laid beside her.
“Heyyyy, Pinkie Pie.”
“Rainbow, how do you fly?”
“Nose up and wings out.” She snickered.
“Like a bird?”
“Uhhhh huuuuuh.”
“How come they call a hole under par in golf a birdie?”
“‘Cause birdies fly over the Gulf of Equestria.”
“Awesome.”
“Totally.”
Rarity came up to them. “Good heavens, Rainbow Dash, are you high too?”
“Nooooo, I’m on the ground.”
“I see. Well, be that as it may, you cannot sleep on the ground.”
“Rarity, when this life is over, we all sleep in the ground.”
“…RIght. Well, you don’t want to be here when the sun is raised.”
“Rarity, Celestia already raised the sun from when it was a baby star. She can’t do it again, can she?”
Rarity opened her mouth but Twilight clamped a hoof over it. “Don’t say a word.”
Rarity exchanged a look with Twilight, who hesitantly moved her hoof.
“Darling, we can’t leave them out here to sleep in the sun, they’ll bake!”
“They already are baked! And they won’t be normal until they sleep this off!”
“Well we have to move them!”
“How?!”
Rarity thought about that a few moments, contemplating, then, she got an idea. “Pinkie, Rainbow, Have you ever thought about how the earth moves all the time but you never feel it?”
“Woah, that’s like, amazing.” Rainbow said.
“Totally great.” Pinkie agreed.
“But you know, it only moves if you move.”
“Woah, really?” Asked Rainbow.
“Yes. So let’s get you both to bed and keep the world turning, shall we?”
“You know, sometimes I wish the world would just stop and take a day off.” Said Rainbow.
“Oh yeah. It’d be great for time to stop.”
“D’you think we could take like, the longest nap ever?” Rainbow asked.
“Prolly.”
“That’d be awesome."
“So why don’t you both try and go to bed and sleep?” Rarity asked in exasperation.
“The world will move if we do, Rares. We gotta make time stop for a while to take the best nap ever.” Rainbow said.
Rarity walked away from them, went to Tree Hugger, and said only one thing: “Pass me a blunt, darling. I want to be higher than this world and not have to deal with the stupidity in it.”
Rarity took the joint in her magic and took a hit, and Twilight looked on, gobsmacked. “Rarity, why did you do that?”
“We’re not going to make any sense to them, darling. Might as well enjoy the party.”
“But- But-“ Twilight sighed in frustration. “Fine. Pass me the blunt.”
Rarity passed it, and Twilight took a hit. As she and Rarity passed the blunt between them, Pinkie could only sigh. “Best party ever.”
